It's Not Much

Chapter 3: I'ma Punch You In Da Butt

"I dare you to stare!!!" Severus's heart was pounding inside his chest, mostly because he'd thought the intruder was something it was not. It was, in all actuality, much more irritating, though much less dangerous.

"What are you doing in here?" Mina grinned, though there was something not entirely pleasant about it.

"Professor Dumbledore would like to see you in his office." Severus glared at her a moment before he made his way out of his office. As he passed Mina to go through the door, he felt, to his dismay, something touch his ass.

"I'MA PUNCH YOU IN DA BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mina screeched, before she ran backwards out of the dungeons, laughing madly and covering her buttocks with her hands. Severus only stood in the doorway, watching her in shock. After a few moments he came back to his senses and began on his arduous journey to Dumbledore's office. On his way, he contemplated murder.

Upon Severus's arrival, Dumbledore offered him a seat and immediately began. "Severus, I must speak to you about your spying missions." Severus nodded mutely. "You've been doing very well lately, but I fear suspicion from Voldemort or some of the Death Eaters. You must keep your guard especially high from now on... I feel as if something may happen."

"Yes, Headmaster..." Severus muttered in a barely audible tone. Dumbledore gave him a piercing look before continuing.

"If you find that there is anything you can do to either prove yourself to them or get information, I strongly suggest you take the opportunity. Also, they seem to be unusually quiet-"

"I understand," Severus interrupted, with a nod.

"Very well. I shall see you later, then."

"Good day." Severus stood and walked out of the room much more slowly than he would have liked to. Not wishing to return to the dungeons just yet, and having skipped breakfast that morning, he decided to go down to the kitchens and get something to eat from the house elves. As he walked through the painting of the bowl of fruit and entered the kitchen he heard singing.

"Buon giorno Italia, buon giorno, Maria..." Then the words became muffled, as if whoever was singing had food in their mouth. "Con gli occhi pieni di malinconia... Buon giorno, Dio. Sai che ci sono anch'io." It seemed to be a woman singing, though she wasn't too good at it, and the addition of the food didn't make it any better. In short, Severus was slightly nauseated. He didn't have long to think about it, though, because he was immediately bombarded by house elves. By the time he'd gotten free and obtained some eggs from them, the woman who was singing before was about to leave. Trying to focus his eyes after the HORRIBLE MUTILATING attack of the house elves, Severus saw... a singing vagina that was on fire and eating Chinese food. Well, actually, he saw Mina, holding a gallon of Vienna Mocha Chunk ice cream, a pound of Cajun turkey cold cuts, chocolate whipped cream, and a large bag of double chocolate chunk cookies with macadamia nuts. Plus some maxi-pads. Severus stared at her for a moment.

"You're going to eat all that?"

She responded by throwing her maxi-pads at him while shouting, "Ninja-star!" and brusquely walking out of the kitchen. It took Severus a moment to realize that he had been pelted by feminine products, but when he did he was completely disgusted.

"Gross!"

Ten seconds later, Mina ran back into the kitchens, grabbed her pads off the floor, punched Severus in the chest, and ran back out, screaming, "PUNCH YOU IN THE OOOOOOH!!!"

* ~ * ~ *

"SO BORED!!" Mina screeched as she sat on her bed, eating ice cream. She had put clothes on over her pajamas to go to the kitchens and get food, since she'd slept past breakfast, and then upon returning to her quarters she had taken her clothes off and put on a robe. "You fucking suck," she said to her vagina. "I'ma skull fuck you, muthafucka." She then returned to the ice cream. "I'm borrrrrrrrrred!!! BORRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDDAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" Eventually she just went back to sleep. She had a sex dream about Joe from the muggle television show "Blues Clues." When she finally woke up two hours later she groaned in disappointment, because her memory of the dream was quickly fading. However, she was happy that she could still remember the dream she'd had about skinning Snape alive and making a coat from his pelt. She decided that she would like to do just that some time. Getting up and groaning, Mina surveyed her room.

She hadn't changed it much since she'd arrived at Hogwarts. She hadn't even unpacked her things yet. Deciding that she would get started, she dumped everything out of her bags and threw them in her closet. Using her wand, she opened the drawers to the dresser against the wall and made her clothing fly into the drawers in strange combinations and positions, though she left an old smock out on the floor. Then, she surveyed the room. It had white walls and a white ceiling, with a hardwood floor and a plain white rug. The light blue of her four poster's canopy and the ebony of the furniture added some color to the room, but not much. Taking a few minutes to decide, Mina finally waved her wand to make the canopy of her bed a metallic, sheer purple. "PRETTY!" she said to herself in an impersonation of an old woman.

Next, she gave the room a bamboo ceiling and alternating midnight blue and black walls. She threw the smock that was on the floor onto her bed, then used her wand to move all the furniture to the middle of the room. Taking a pencil off of her desk and a step ladder out of the closet, she began drawing on one of the blue walls.

* ~ * ~ *

Severus yawned loudly, though there was no one around to hear it. After a large breakfast and poring over the code for several hours, he had retired to his bed for a nap. Looking at the clock on his bedside table, he found that it was now time for dinner. Groaning and setting his feet heavily on the ground he considered for a moment not showing up. However, he remembered that with Voldemort on the loose and him in an extremely dangerous position, it was not the best of ideas. It would be a hassle, though, to get his clothes on after sleeping in the nude.

* ~ * ~ *

Mina sat at the high table, splattered with paint and feeling very drowsy. She'd barely touched her meal, which was rare for her, and there were only a few people left eating dinner. Just as she was about to leave to go to bed, Dumbledore sat beside her and began a conversation. "Good evening, Mina." Mina yawned before answering him.

"Hello."

"I need to ask you a favor."

"Okay, what?" Mina was a bit apprehensive about this "favor" she was being asked for.

"Severus didn't show up to dinner, and I was wondering if you could check his living quarters, just to see if he's there." Mina hesitated for a moment before answering.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"But... I don't want to. You go."

"No, you go."

"No. You go."

"You go."

"Why do I have to go?"

"Because," Dumbledore said, "I want you two to learn to get along with each other. Although I have great faith in Severus, I also know that his code-breaking abilities are... well, almost non-existent. So, you and he will inevitably be working together constantly. I just want you to get a good start."

"Oh, fuck him. I can do it on my own." Mina yawned again, stretching out her back.

"You may be the best code-breaker I have, but you're not the best potion brewer. That's where Severus comes into the picture." Dumbledore gave Mina an I-know-you-know-I'm-right look with his piercing blue eyes as he awaited her reply.

"Well... Why didn't you just have me break the code in the first place?"

"I want to give you and Severus time to get to know each other, and learn to trust one another. Besides, I believe Severus would have been more resentful and less inclined to cooperate with you if I had given you the code right away."

"You did give me the code."

"But I didn't tell Severus that."

"You're just bull shitting your way through the conversation, aren't you?"

"Believe what you will. The point is, I'd like you to check on Severus for me." Dumbledore gave Mina another poignant stare, and she finally agreed to go.

* ~ * ~ *

Severus debated with himself whether to go to dinner or not for about another ten minutes before finally deciding to go. Checking his clock again, he noticed that it seemed to be ten minutes earlier than when he woke up. At first, he didn't see this as a problem, but then he realized that it was. "Damned clock!" he muttered, hitting it. For some reason, ever since he'd tested a burning potion on it, the clock had started a habit of running backwards every once in a while. He stood up and stretched a bit; he was about to get dressed when the door opened and Mina walked in, saying, "Hallllloooooaaaahhhhh!!!" However, when she saw Severus she stopped dead. Both of them were completely silent, needing a few moments to process the situation. Severus, being naked at the moment, was extremely embarrassed, and wondering how to handle the situation. Mina, having walked in on a naked Severus, was completely disgusted and wondering what she should use to gouge her own eyes out.

It was only a small amount of time before they both decided to start screaming. Severus grabbed his bed curtains and tried to cover himself with them while Mina ran out of the room, scratching at her eyes. "VOMIT!!!!" Severus heard her screaming from the hallway. "HARPO VOMIT!!!!! AHHHBLWEBLWEWKOF!!!!!"

"Well you're no prize yourself!" he shouted out after her. He looked down at himself, realizing he was still naked. Mina had slammed the door closed after her when she'd run off to blind herself, so Severus felt safe enough to venture out of the curtains and rummage around his wardrobe for some clothing. Once dressed, he stalked warily out into the dungeons. Seeing no signs of life, he breathed a sigh of relief and headed for the Great Hall.

"Hello, Severus." Severus turned around to find Dumbledore smiling at him. "What have you been up to?"

"Nothing much," he replied stiffly.

"Mina informed me of the... er... circumstances under which she encountered you, and I was just wondering what you were doing to get yourself into such a predicament."

"I was changing my clothes." Severus was getting quite annoyed. Dumbledore nodded, though there was a certain look in his eyes that Severus couldn't quite identify.

"So, you weren't at dinner because...?"

"I had fallen asleep." Severus raised his eyebrows in a way that suggested he didn't want to continue the conversation.

"Very well," Dumbledore replied, turning to leave. "Good evening, Severus." With another nod, Dumbledore walked out of the dungeons. Severus, not wishing to be savagely attacked by overeager house elves, decided that he could stand to miss dinner for one night and walked back into his room.