It's Not Much

It's Not Much

By Marie Goos

"There is no chicken in my chicken...

There is no pork in my pork fried rice...

There is no chicken in my chicken sandwich...

There is no pork in my mushu pork!

Chicken and pork go good together,

they are the two white meats.

There is no chicken in my chicken...

There is no pork in my... pork."

~ There is No Chicken in my Chicken, by IorekSilvertongue and Marie Goos

Chapter 1: Ordinary

Severus Snape leaned back in the chair he was currently occupying in Albus Dumbledore's office. All the teachers were gathered there, as they were each year, to welcome the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher a fortnight before the new school year started. Everyone was sitting in tense silence, for two reasons; one was because of Voldemort, who was slowly gaining more and more power; he seemed to be planning on attacking Hogwarts, for he had a number of targets there, including the 17-year-old Harry Potter. The other was because they were all dreading what Dumbledore had hired as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Last year it had been a vampire - what would it be this year? As if in answer to everybody's fears, the door slowly swung open, and in stepped Albus Dumbledore, his blue eyes twinkling with what seemed to be anticipation. He cleared his throat, glanced at the door, then looked back at the teachers gathered around.

"I'm sure you're all very excited about meeting our new professor." There was low muttering in the room, but nothing too excited. Dumbledore smiled. "Are there any questions? From any of you?"

Minerva McGonagall took the floor immediately. "Tell me, Albus, is there anything... special... about this new teacher? Anything we should know?" Dumbledore smiled evasively.

"No, I'm afraid not. Not this time, anyway." Everyone seemed to visibly relax, though they all stayed fairly tense; after all, Dumbledore tended to keep his fair share of secrets.

"Do any of us know this mysterious new professor?" Professor Flitwick asked, sounding a little excited through his nerves.

"No, I'm afraid not," Dumbledore answered. "She went to school at Durmstrang." This caused a considerable amount of muttering to careen around the room; Durmstrang was famous for its education in the Dark Arts.

"Well, I'm sure she'll be jes' fine," Rubeus Hagrid said, though a bit nervously. It was his unwavering trust in Dumbledore that had prompted him into saying the somewhat encouraging words.

"Yes, I'm sure she will," McGonagall replied stiffly. "Just like last year's -"

"Now, now, Minerva," Dumbledore interrupted her. "Let's not be so negative."

"Yes," Sybil Trelawny agreed. "The clairvoyant vibrations within my room have alerted me to the fact that this new professor will pose no large threat to us."

"Now," McGonagall retorted, "did you see this in your crystal ball, or did aliens come down from the sky and tell you?" Trelawny puffed up like a large bird of some sort, her bug-like eyes flashing from behind her gaudy glasses.

"Please," Dumbledore cut in firmly, "don't fight. I want to give our new professor a nice, warm welcome. We wouldn't want to make any bad first impressions, now." Severus could have sworn that for one moment Dumbledore's eyes had flitted in his direction. It was at this moment that Severus decided to pose his question.

"And what is this new Professor's name?" Everyone turned to Severus, surprised that he would ask such a simple and impersonal question, when they expected his response to the newcomer to be nothing less than hostile. After all, it was common knowledge that Severus was after the Defense Against the Dark Arts job.

"Her name?" Dumbledore smiled at Severus. "Her name is Mina Constantina." A few professors snorted, amused by the fact that the woman's first and last name rhymed.

"Are you sure of her... stability?" Severus seemed skeptical about the unseen professor, as if she were in the room, rabid and screaming.

"Of course, Severus, you can trust her just as much as you can trust me." Dumbledore smiled cheerfully at Severus, though the statement he made wasn't as assuring as he'd hoped it would be.

"So, where is she?" asked Professor Flitwick.

"Ah, yes. One moment please." Dumbledore walked out of the room, and after a few moments returned with a young woman trailing behind. Everyone was dead silent; they all surveyed her with a moderate amount of surprise and apprehension.

There was nothing special about the woman. She was short, around maybe five feet and two or three inches. Her hair was a moderate length, hanging down with nothing done to it; it wasn't especially silky or shiny, either; one couldn't even tell that she had brushed it thoroughly ten minutes ago. Her eyes were kind of wide, a dull amber brown with speckles of drab olive near the pupil, and beneath each of them was a rim of dark purple, as if she hadn't slept decently in years. She was pale, except for the thick spatter of freckles across her nose and cheeks, accompanied by the bright pink of sunburn. She was average looking, with an average weight as well; she wasn't fat, but she wasn't all that thin, either; she wore a size ten on her good days, a size 12 on her bad ones. She wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't ugly, either; she was average, maybe even pretty under certain circumstances, but no more. Her outfit consisted of regular purple wizard's robes, open to reveal a black Silverchair T-shirt (though no one in the room knew what Silverchair was) and an old pair of jeans. On her feet she wore worn out sneakers with Smokey the Bear shoelaces, and her jewelry was merely a couple of silver rings on her middle and ring finger and a black and silver watch. She held a small sandwich bag filled with marshmallows and sprinkles, which she had been snacking on while waiting for her introduction. All in all, she seemed ordinary; there were no unusual traits visible.

"May I introduce Professor Mina Constantina?" Mina stepped forward, surveying the room nervously.

"Hi." She made a small waving motion with her hand, then rocked back on her heels, muttering something under her breath.

"Hm?" Dumbledore gave her an inquisitive look, and she repeated what she had mentioned a bit louder.

"Mooper in the hole." The other professors abandoned the wild hope that this was a normal person, but most of them came to the decision that this was better than a vampire or a werewolf.

"Well," Severus muttered in a scathing tone that everyone could hear, "she certainly looks learned in the Dark Arts." The sarcasm in his voice was quite evident, but Mina just stood silently and took it, though for a brief moment he thought he saw her making a nasty face at him. Dumbledore cleared his throat in a kind of warning to Severus, then turned to Mina.

"You may take a seat beside Minerva." He gestured to McGonagall. Mina nodded, then sat down in the chair Dumbledore had indicated. Severus, who happened to be sitting at Mina's other side, sighed angrily; why did he always get stuck sitting next to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor? "Now that we're all here," continued Dumbledore, "let us discuss any concerns we may have for the upcoming school year. Are there any issues anyone would like to bring up?" Everyone sat there, silent. Mina looked around the room at all her stoic colleagues, then tentatively raised her hand; Dumbledore smiled and nodded to her. "You don't have to raise your hand." Severus rolled his eyes at her.

"I was thinking, about security measures..." she began. Severus cut her off, speaking sharply and irritably.

"What, you think we just sit here, defenseless, like idiots? There are several enchantments placed on the castle; no one can apparate into or out of school grounds, and it's disguised from muggles -"

"Yet Sirius Black was able to get past all that, and a pack of Dementors as well a few years ago," she interjected. Severus glared at her, but said nothing. "I mean, what if a Death Eater took super stalker steps and got into the castle, trying to get at Harry Potter, or," she gestured to Dumbledore, "you, Albus? Or maybe just to stir up trouble? There certainly is protection for the castle, but is it enough?" Everyone was considering this while at the same time trying to figure out what super stalker steps were.

"That's a very good point," Dumbledore replied, "but it's already taken care of, so there's no need to worry." Severus grumbled angrily; what a foolish child this girl was. "Is there anything else?" The professors seemed rather... inanimate. Mina, however, spoke up again.

"About what I asked earlier... It's look, but don't touch, right?" Dumbledore nodded. "Okay, that's not difficult." Again, everyone in the room was left puzzling over Mina's confusing statements.

"Well, if there are no more questions, let's get started, shall we?" Dumbledore looked around the room, and everyone nodded. "From what I can surmise, it seems as if Voldemort is biding his time, planning until he can make a good attack on the castle. In the meantime, we will not attack him or make any aggressive moves; I will continue receiving information from the inside and biding my time as well. We will wait until he makes the first move. Is that clear?" There was a low rumble of agreement that moved throughout the room. "Very well. Also, the Quidditch season will be cut short this year; Voldemort is more likely to make any large attacks later on in the year, so the Quidditch games will not be based on points; they will be elimination matches, to save time, and they will all be held before April. Is everyone in agreement?" There was some murmuring in the room, but all the professors seemed to agree. "Also, I will have no one, not even a teacher, outside of the castle alone after dark. After the sun sets, I don't want to see anyone wandering around alone. Is that understood?" More agreement. Then, Mina asked another question.

"What about dusk, when all the fireflies come out?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to stay in," Dumbledore replied, a bit sympathetically.

"Okay." Mina seemed a bit downtrodden. Severus rolled his eyes again.

"Finally, I have decided that the houses will be integrated in the Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons again this year. It will be the usual Gryffindor/Slytherin, Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff combination." After Voldemort had risen again, Dumbledore had integrated the houses in the Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons so that they got more lessons in the school year, and would therefor be more prepared for a dangerous situation. "Is there anything anyone else would like to ask?" His inquiry was greeted only by the silence of the staff. "Very well. I would also like to say that the Halloween and Yule Ball traditions will both be observed this year." After the return of Voldemort, the Yule Ball became an annual tradition and a Halloween Ball was instated, to boost the morale of the students and faculty. "I believe that is everything on the agenda. You all may go, excepting Severus, Hagrid, and Mina." The entire room seemed to sigh with relief as the staff swarmed out of the doorway.

Severus, of course, was quite disgruntled at not being dismissed; he knew it couldn't possibly be about one of his spy missions, because those were never discussed in front of anyone else. Mina stretched and yawned, opening her mouth more widely than Severus had seen anyone of her size, or even his size for that matter, open their mouth. She inhaled for what seemed like forever, then exhaled loudly and continued to stretch. When she was done with that task, Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Seeing as Mina has never been to Hogwarts before, I thought she might need to get acquainted with the castle and the grounds before classes start. Hagrid, since you know the grounds better than anyone here -" Hagrid beamed - "I would like you to show them to Mina later, perhaps sometime tomorrow or the day after."

"O' course I will," Hagrid agreed.

"Thank you. In the meantime, since our dear Argus Filch vehemently refused my requests, I would like you to show her around the castle, Severus." Severus glared angrily.

"Are you sure there isn't anyone else who might be more suited for the task?" he asked in a voice that was nearly a growl.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure," Dumbledore answered cheerfully. "Why don't you get on it right now? I need to get a few things together." With that, Dumbledore dismissed them.

"I'd better be gittin' ter Fang - 'e gets pretty lonely," Hagrid said after they reached the corridor. He lumbered off and left Severus alone with Mina. She bit the space of skin between her bottom lip and her chin, making Severus wonder why she didn't just bite her lip. What an irritating individual, he thought.

"Soooooo..." She trailed off, her hands in her pockets.

"Follow me," Severus snapped. She seemed a bit startled, but she followed him all the same. He led her down to the entrance hall where they stood facing the marble staircase. He pointed to it, saying, "Up." Then, he pointed to the staircase that led to the dungeons and said, "Down." Finally, he pointed to the Great Hall, saying, "Food." Then, he turned to her. "Bye." He then began to walk away down to the dungeons. She stood there for a moment, blinked, then wordlessly followed him.

Severus was halfway to his office when he realized that Mina was still following him. He whirled around to face her, and she stopped abruptly, nearly bumping into him. He glared at her for a few moments, and finally she broke the deafening silence. "Hi."

"I thought," Severus hissed, "that this 'tour' was over with. I said goodbye, and I walked away. Why are you still following me?"

"Because I don't know where my room is. Or where my classroom is. Or where my office is. Or where -"

"Alright!" he snapped. He led her out of the dungeons and up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, then to her office and living quarters; both rooms were a bit bare, but she would have the opportunity to decorate them to her liking over the next two weeks. Through all this Severus was relatively silent, speaking only when she addressed him and answering her questions with as little use of words as possible.

"This is nice," she said awkwardly when they reached her quarters; she was obviously trying to make small talk.

"Goodbye," he grumbled in return as he headed out the door.

"Bestiality," she replied. He stopped short and turned to face her.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." He growled, but rather than pursuing the subject he turned around again and resumed his quest for the doorway.

"Bye, necrophiliac." Severus stopped and looked at her again.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, 'bye,'" she replied simply. He narrowed his eyes at her, then prowled out of the room. "I want your pasta," she mumbled as he left, content with the knowledge that he hadn't heard her final remark.

* ~ * ~ *

Mina was laying on her bed, staring at the light blue canopy and thinking. She was considering getting up and looking around. On the one hand, she didn't want to move; the bed was very comfortable and she was feeling a little out of it. On the other hand, she wanted to look around the castle; she didn't want to get lost while she was teaching, and besides, she always felt out of it. But, what if she got lost while she was looking around, and nobody found her and she died of dehydration? Then she realized the extremely slim chances of that ever happening, and decided that she was worrying too much. Besides, she needed to get acquainted with her surroundings, seeing as that asshole was very little help. What was his name again? Severus, she thought. She tended to keep grudges for a bit, so she decided that she hated him. It wasn't her fault she'd never been here before. He didn't have to treat her like a piece of shit hanging from a cat's ass.

Speaking of cats, she thought she heard one meow. She walked out of her bedroom, through her office, and looked into the hallway. A dust colored cat with lamp-like eyes was standing there, looking at her. Mina made an 's' sound to call the cat, like she did with her friend's, and it looked at her for a moment, as if sizing her up, then reluctantly slunk forward. She sat down on the ground in front of the cat and pet it; it didn't have a penis, so she assumed it was a girl. "Hello, there," Mina cooed. "Do you hate Severus, too?" The cat meowed as if she was answering, "Yes." Mina smiled. "Looks like I've got a new target." The cat meowed again. "Don't worry," Mina answered. "I'll get my revenge." She laughed to herself as she stroked the cat, then she stood up. "I think I'll look around," she said to herself. "See you later, alligator." The cat meowed.

Mina walked through the castle, up and down random hallways, exploring every doorway, painting, and tapestry she came across. Every once in a while she would stumble into a secret passage or a trap door. However, no matter what, she never really found anything too interesting. That is, of course, aside from the secret passages, ghosts, and moving paintings. She did so admire the art hanging on the walls. Finally, she found something that she found slightly intriguing. She turned a corner and saw about halfway down the hallway a poltergeist. She wasn't quite sure what he was doing, and, curious, approached him. He was holding some brightly colored balls in his hand, and it seemed as if he was waiting for someone to come out of a door. On closer inspection, Mina found that the door had a small plaque on it reading, "Staff Room."

"And what do we have here?" cackled the poltergeist when he caught sight of her. "A new professor?"

"Yes," she replied. "I'm Professor Mina Constantina." The poltergeist performed a delighted little back flip.

"Peeves the Poltergeist, at your service," he said mockingly, bowing and grinning mischievously.

"I like your balls," she commented lightly.

"I'll bet you're jealous." Peeves was still grinning.

"Nah, I have balls, too. But, I left them back in my room." Just then, the door opened and out stepped the woman that Dumbledore had called Minerva. Peeves giggled happily, then threw down his balls. They exploded in a bright display, producing a thick, acid green smoke.

"PEEVES!!!" Minerva screamed angrily. Peeves, however, was already speeding down the corridor, laughing heartily and making rude sounds. When the smoke cleared, Mina saw that Minerva's once-green robes were now red with yellow polka-dots. Her hair was in a large clown-like afro and the same acid green as the smoke, and her eyes were bright purple. Mina snorted with laughter at the sight of the tight-lipped woman in such an outfit. Minerva turned to her, surveying her for a few moments.

"Well," she said stiffly, "you don't look too bad yourself." Mina grabbed a tendril of her hair and looked at it, realizing that it had been turned puce by the smoke.

"Huzzah!" she exclaimed. "Puce is my favorite color!" Minerva gave her a strange look.

"Right." She turned and walked into the staff room. Mina walked in after her, eager for a mirror. When she found one, on the inside door of an old wardrobe, she found that everything but her skin had been turned puce.

"It's not very creative," she muttered, taking out her wand and returning herself to normal, excepting her hair. Turning around, she noticed that there were a couple of other professors in the room, all giving her strange looks. "I like my hair like this," she said. She then poured herself some tea from the pot on a nearby counter and sat at the round table that the other teachers were gathered around.

An extremely short man spoke up in a tiny voice. "Hello. My name is Professor Filius Flitwick." He shook her hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Hi," she replied. "Nice to meet you, too." A woman with flyaway grey hair introduced herself.

"I'm Professor Adamina Sprout," she said. "It's a pleasure to have you as part of the staff, dear."

"Thank you," Mina said. "It's a pleasure to be here."

"And I am Professor Minerva McGonagall." Minerva shook her hand and sat down at the table, her appearance back to normal and a cup of tea in her hands.

"So..." Mina searched around for a topic. "Nice castle, this is..."

"I suppose Severus didn't do very well in showing you around," Minerva said in a tone of disapproval.

"Nope. I hate him." Mina sipped her tea. "Mmm, yum."

"Well, that's Severus Snape for you," Sprout sighed. "He's very antisocial." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"I think that's a bit of an understatement," Mina murmured as she took a little bag of Oreo O's with the little marshmallow bits in them and started munching. "They really stopped trying with the cereal part and put all their effort into the marshmallows," she commented, shaking her head in disappointment.

"Er... Of course..." Flitwick seemed a bit put off by this statement, as were the other two professors. Mina would have spoken more, but the door opened rather abruptly and in came the last person she ever wanted to see in her entire life, even if she were being attacked by killer clowns from outer space.

"Hello, Severus," Minerva said politely. He only grunted in response and poured himself some tea, then walked briskly to the table, plopping down in a low armchair, clutching the cup of tea as if it held his very life within it.

"Oh, look at the time," Sprout said suddenly, pretending to look at a watch under the table. "I have to get back to the greenhouses to water some new... mandrakes that I've just gotten... a little while ago... Bye!" With that, she jumped up and hurried out of the room.

"Yes," Flitwick said in the same tone Sprout had used. "I've got so much to do, what with making lesson plans and practicing some old charms I haven't used in a while... I'll just be on my way. Good day." He, too, scurried out of the room as quickly as possible. Minerva, however, didn't even try to make an excuse.

"I'll be seeing you later, Mina..." she paused. "Severus." Then, she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"Traitors," Mina muttered under her breath. She knew she couldn't retreat, because she didn't want Severus to think that she was afraid of him, or that he could push her around. Then again, she didn't want to spend any time in the same room with him. Then, she thought up a good solution; she would ignore him. She took a piece of folded paper out of one of her large pockets, along with a pencil, then unfolded the paper and stared at it, thinking.

"Muggle born?" She nearly jumped, then looked up, startled. Severus had his eyebrows raised at her, and was taking a long drink from his tea. He'd slid down in the chair so that part of his lower back was also resting on the seat, and his legs were spread so that his crotch was in plain sight.

"Yes," she replied shortly, turning back to her paper. She drew a picture of a penis on it, with a little angry face on the head. It had a thin, curled mustache and it wore a top hat, like Snidely Whiplash, and it was saying, "I'm the evil Professor Snape, the most feared ass bandit in the far north!" She liked the way it came out. For a moment Mina felt a little guilty about judging Severus so quickly, without even getting to know him at all; maybe they'd just gotten off to a bad start. Then again, there was also the reaction of his colleagues to consider. She glanced at him for a moment. He seemed rather... greasy. Like me, she thought.

"What are you staring at?" She turned to face him; he was glaring at her, a menacing look in his deep black eyes.

"Your basket," she said sharply. Severus immediately closed his legs, his eyes still fixed on her.

"I knew Albus wouldn't hire a decent person for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job," he grumbled sourly.

"Oh really?" He only glared at her more. "Fuck me." She turned back to the paper on which she had drawn the cartoon cock.

"I think you might have gotten that phrase a little mixed up," he replied.

"No," she answered him. "Fuck me." Then she began to make the noises that a woman engaged in sexual intercourse might make, causing Severus to become quite angry, which was her intent.

"What is wrong with you?" he asked irritably.

"You so crazy, think I wanna have yo' baby!" she exclaimed.

"You're mad," he snapped, standing up and storming out of the room. She smiled.

"I win," she said to herself. She folded the drawing she had made and put it in her pocket, then happily sipped her tea, her objective having been reached. She was a bit disappointed, though, that he hadn't insulted her puce hair. It would have opened up so many opportunities.

* ~ * ~ *

Severus prowled angrily down winding corridors and secret passages, using the quickest route he could think of to get to his office. Dumbledore had hired some strange individuals for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post in the past, but this girl was completely inappropriate. At first she had seemed like a shy, normal kind of person, like the girl next door, or some irritating thing like that, but now he knew that she was absolutely insane. "That bitch," he muttered to himself. "That fucking bitch." What right did she have to do something like that to him? At least no one was there to see it. He would have given anything to have been able to wring her neck like an annoying little bird, but he knew it wasn't possible. He made it down to his office soon enough, where Albus Dumbledore was waiting for him.

"Ah, Severus, you're just the man I wanted to see." Severus sighed, offered Dumbledore a seat, then took one behind his desk. "I didn't want to say this in front of the other professors, for I didn't want to get their hopes up, and because what I am about to tell you is a little top secret."

"What do you mean by a little?" Dumbledore smiled.

"Well, maybe not just a little... You see, I think I've stumbled onto an idea of how we might defeat Voldemort." Severus's eyes widened. "In order to do so, I need you to brew a potion. One that will make the spirit form Voldemort reverts to when he is hit by the Killing Curse visible and tangible."

"A potion like that would be extremely difficult to make, especially on such short notice." Severus tried to keep his voice calm, though he was feeling anything but.

"Which is exactly why I came to you." Dumbledore handed Severus an old scroll that had been buried in his robes. "This scroll speaks of a potion like the one I'm looking for, but I'm afraid it's terribly old and incomplete. You'll have to decipher some riddles and puzzles hidden in the text, and perform a number of tests until you are able to even come close to the right combination." Severus nodded.

"I'm prepared for this challenge."

"That's what I was counting on. Oh, and there's something else."

"What?" Severus was getting a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"I don't doubt any of your capabilities, but we are very short on time, so if you aren't far enough in the translation of the scroll's puzzles by November, I will assign you a partner."

"Who?"

"Professor Constantina." Severus nearly vomited all over himself. "Now, I must be off. I wish you the best of luck, Severus." With that, Dumbledore stood up and swept out of the room. Severus cursed softly as he stared at the scroll in his hands. He didn't want to open it just yet; he needed some rest. He'd been busy all summer long with his spy missions, and he had barely gotten any sleep all week. He slowly stood up, the scroll in his hand, and trudged into his bedroom, plopping down onto his four-poster bed and drawing the black curtains closed. He fell asleep only moments after his head hit his pillow.