The Real Story of Harry Potter

Chapter Seven: The Accidental Voyeurs

We were stuck. To open the door now and leave would incriminate us, and by the way Sirius was looking at Remus, I highly doubted they were going to keep the promise Remus had made about not using other people's rooms. Hermione squirmed.

"The window is open," I whispered.

Remus jumped. "Did you hear something?" he asked Sirius.

"No."

"Sounded like whispering."

"Probably just the wind," said Sirius. He put his arm around Remus's waist and they started kissing. I blushed.

Putting my mouth as close as I could to Hermione's ear and whispering as quietly as I could, I said, "Climbing out the window's our best bet, I think."

Sirius pulled away from Remus. "Wait a minute, now I hear something. You're right, it doesn't sound like the wind." He paused. "Is anyone in here?"

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Sirius, who would be in here?" He pulled Sirius close and kissed him so long I thought both of them would pass out from lack of oxygen. They took a step closer to the bed. At the same time, Hermione and I moved towards the window. Luckily, they didn't hear the sound.

"It's getting cold in here," said Remus. We moved another few steps, putting us right in front of the window.

"You're right. I'll shut the window."

Hermione gasped. Sirius jumped. "All right, who's in here!"

"Sirius, for God's sakes, no one is in this room but you and me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were getting paranoid. Now shut the window and get over here, you stud."

Hermione and I clamped our hands over our mouths, shaking with laughter. As Sirius walked towards the window, however, mirth left us and we ducked, narrowly missing his hand.

Both escape routes were gone. We had two options, and both were embarrassing: we could huddle by the window and try to avert our eyes from the activities on the bed (at that moment, both men were bare-chested and furiously kissing like there was no tomorrow), or we could show ourselves, explain and apologize, and leave. Because there was no way we would get out the door unnoticed...or maybe we could. Remus and Sirius were facing the other way and obviously very distracted. I whispered this to Hermione. She nodded, and we moved towards the door.

My hand reached out and touched the doorknob. I glanced back; they were still at it. I turned the knob.

Unfortunately, at that moment, Hermione tripped slid and fell on the tail of the cloak, which had been dragging on the floor. Exposed, we fell to the floor.

"Remus, I believe we have some visitors," said Sirius dryly. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were getting too trusting. Hello Joanne, Hermione. Fancy meeting you here."

"Sirius..."

"It's not what it looks like...."

"Then perhaps you'd better tell us what it is," said Remus, sitting up and looking quite irritated.

"Well," began Hermione, "we'd written the list and we got bored...."

"Oh, I see, so you decided to spy on us out of boredom," said Sirius. "Not out of voyeurism or anything like that...."

"Excuse me, but we are better people than that," I said, standing up and glaring.

"I would NEVER do something like that!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Oh, so I suppose the copies of Playwitch under your bed belong to someone else?" asked Sirius.

"Look," I said, not wanting to increase the wrath of an Animagus and his were-dachshund lover, "we've acted rather childishly. We thought we'd spy on Harry and Remus getting you back over to our side. And, due to something that someone with the initials R.J.L. said, we were under the mistaken impression that you two would never use someone else's bedroom."

"I did say that, Sirius," said Remus. "Some of the fault lies with me...not much, though," he added. "I believe you aren't voyeurs, and I forgive you." He gave Sirius a pointed look.

"All right, I believe you," said Sirius wearily. "Now, could you please leave?"

"Certainly," we said in unison, and ran out the room as fast as our legs could carry us.

Chapter Eight: The Password

I woke up the next morning to a rapping on the door. Groggily, I rolled out of bed and opened it. It was Ron. "What are you two doing still asleep?" he said, glancing at Hermione snoring on her bed. "Breakfast is in the common room, I had Dobby and Winky bring it there for us. Hermione! Wake up!"

Hermione sat up with a start and looked with a glazed sort of look at Ron. Suddenly, her hand went to her head. I laughed....her usually textured hair now resembled an Afro. "Come on Hermione, time for breakfast."

"Did I hear someone say something about the common room?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Ron, "breakfast is in there. House-elves brought it for us. Now comb your hair and-"

"Ron! You made the poor house-elves go through all the trouble of bringing breakfast all the way up to the Gryffindor tower? When we could have just gone down to the Great Hall? It's bad enough they're cooking for us during the summer, without you having to - "

"Oh, come off it Hermione, you know they were thrilled. Oh, and Jo, Dobby's desperate to meet you. We'd better go down now before he has a heart attack or something. Don't worry about getting dressed, we're all still in our night things."

We proceeded down the stairs into the common room. The second I stepped off the last stair, a small, fast-moving bundle of energy rammed into me and threw its arms around my waist."

"Ms. Rowling! Ms. Joanne Kathleen Rowling! Dobby is so excited to meet you, miss! Even thought you have changed some things about Dobby, who would never ever injure Harry Potter with a cursed Bludger! And Dobby's fashion sense is a little better than Ms. J.K. Rowling says....Dobby wears a beret, miss, not a tea cosy! But it is a small matter....Winky! Come and meet Ms. Rowling!"

Winky walked up to me slowly and batted her eyes demurely. She held out her hand. "Winky is most happy to meet you, miss."

"Dobby and Winky have made coffee and scrambled eggs for Ms. Rowling! Come and sit!"

I took a seat next to Harry, who, true to Ron's word, was still in his pajamas. Hermione sat on my other side. Across from me was Sirius, with Remus on his right. Both men were wearing bathrobes, and I had a sneaking suspicion that nothing was underneath.

Next to Remus was a very large empty chair, and then Ron. Harry noticed me eyeing the vacant chair. "Hagrid's coming to breakfast too," he said.

"That is," Ron said, "if he can get past the Fat Lady." Harry nudged him and scowled.

Sirius turned to Harry. "Why shouldn't he be able to get past the Fat Lady, he knows the password, doesn't he?"

"Well," said Ron, with a look of mischief on his face that I usually associated with Fred and George, "the password's changed."

"What do you mean, changed?" demanded Remus, setting down his coffee cup.

Sirius gave Harry a look that will be referred to hereon as the Sirius Black Tell-Me-The-Truth-Or-I'll-Kill-You Look, or SBTMTTOIKYL. "Harry. Tell us all now what happened with the password."

Before Harry could speak, Hagrid's voice came from outside the portrait hole. "'Ave you all gone an' changed the password on me?"

"Yeah, sorry," Ron called. "Here, I'll write it down and pass it under the door." Grabbing a quill and paper napkin, he scrawled something and shoved it hastily under the portrait hole.

Hagrid uttered a series of expletives that I will delete.

"Ron! You changed the password to THAT!" exclaimed Hermione.

"No, no, not THAT!" answered Harry. "He hasn't said it yet."

Sirius shot him the SBTMTTOIKYL. "What. Is. The. Password."

"Well..."

"We thought we'd try and help Hagrid get over his problem with..."

"It's for his own good...."

Hagrid's voice came stuttering from outside. "Vol-vol-vol..."

"Come on Hagrid, you're almost there," called Remus. Sirius gave him a modified version of the SBTMTTOIKYL that will be referred to hereon as the Sirius Black Be-Quiet-Or-You-Sleep-On-The-Couch Look, or SBBQOYSOTCL.

"Harry," Sirius said, "sometimes you remind me of James so much that it scares me."

"Come on Hagrid, it isn't that hard," called Hermione.

"Just try breaking it up into smaller parts," I said. "Winky and Dobby! Stop that now, it's all right!"

Dobby and Winky were huddled in the corner, their hands over their ears and their bodies shaking violently. Both of them stood up and began beating themselves over their respective heads with a butter knife (Winky) and a saucer (Dobby). "Stop it!" I cried.

"But Dobby has displease Ms. Rowling, the wonderful Muggle writer who has done so much for him!"

"If you two don't stop," I said, "I'll sell you both to the Malfoys." They were as still as statues.

"Vol. De. Mor...mo..."

"Come on, you're almost there!" I called.

"VOLDEMORT!"

The door sprang open and a triumphant Hagrid stomped in, ready for breakfast.