Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"Are we there yet?" Draco moaned, his head lolling onto Pansy shoulder for the millionth time.

She shook him off. "For the last time, I don't know!"

"Do bunnies even know how to navigate international waters? It seems unlikely. They're not the most seaworthy creatures."

Pansy sighed and shoved his head off her shoulder once again.

"Hey!" Draco piped up. "Plot Bunny!"

The Plot Bunny seemed very intent on staring at the night sky.

"Draco!" Pansy hissed. "Sit down! He's busy."

"No, I'm pretty sure he's just staring at the sky."

"Haven't you ever heard about navigating by the stars?" she said. "I'm sure he's just calculating our heading by use of the North Star."

"Right...Hey Plot Bunny!"

No response.

"Oh bunny...I've got a lovely female bunny just ripe for kitten making over here!"

"Kitten making?"

"That's what baby rabbits are called," Draco explained. "They're called kittens."

"Oh I know," said Pansy. "I just thought the term kitten making was odd."

"Oh."

The Plot Bunny's ears twitched as its head jerked toward the pair. "What was that about kitten making?"

"Knew it'd work," Draco said with a triumphant grin. "Are you done star gazing?"

"Oh, terribly sorry," remarked the bunny. "I was zoning out there for awhile."

"Told you," muttered the blonde.

"Where are we going?" Pansy asked.

The Plot Bunny hopped to the other end of the boat and gave her the bunny equivalent of a grave look. "The Snarry Ship sails in dangerous waters. I intend to take you there, but first we must pass through the Isle of Forgotten Shipwrecks."

"Fantastic!" Draco exclaimed.

"And then ..." continued the rodent. "Hoping we don't cross the path of any other vessels, we will sail into the Sea of Perversion where the Snarry Pirates make their mischief."

"And how long will that all take?" Pansy inquired.

"The trip varies for each plot," the bunny explained. "Usually depends on the author."

"I'm not sure I understand you," said Pansy. "But I'll just pray its short and easy."

"Your mom's short and easy!" Draco sniggered.

"My mother is five foot eleven and a saint!" Pansy snapped.

"Silence," the Plot Bunny whispered.

They crouched down in the boat cautiously as a dark boat glided toward them through the black water.

"The Good Ship," said the bunny.

"How boring," Pansy murmured.

"Nobody move."

Draco broke the silence once again. "Whatever happened to you speaking only in haikus?"

The Plot Bunny blinked and gave him a confused look. "I don't know...Shall I move onto limericks perhaps?"

"No," Pansy interjected sharply. "Normal conversational skills are perfectly alright."

Draco pouted. "But limericks are such fun..."

"Hermione, there is no way I am admitting my completely obvious feelings toward you!" shouted a voice from the passing vessel.

"Ronald, you are so aggravating! Speaking of which, I think our underlying sexual tension frustrates those around us!"

"Let's bicker more and contemplate screwing each others brains out later when we're in private!"

"Splendid! And then I can act bossy like your mother because you have oedipal issues!"

"Your sexy studiousness frustrates me! Sometimes I wish you'd spank me!"

"You never tell me I look pretty! I look pretty sometimes! It's okay to just tell me!"

"I bet Harry feels awkward when we fight!"

"I wonder if you have freckles everywhere..."

Pansy covered her ears while Draco cringed.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" he whispered.

The bunny merely shrugged.

"I am so repressed that I jerk off to books because they remind me of you!"

"I don't care how you do it," Pansy hissed. "But you get us the fuck away from this ship NOW!"

"Shut up, Pansy!" Draco said. "Look!"

"No, we need to get out of here--" She froze as her eyes met the image Draco was pointing to. "Oh sweet Zandar..."

The nearby beach was strewn with smashed ships, splintered planks and broken masts floating in the bloodied surf. Amongst the rubble, two figures could be seen.

"The Isle of Forgotten Shipwrecks," whispered the Plot Bunny.

"Is that Professor Umbridge?" Pansy asked.

"Godric," said their ex-Headmaster. "We simply must get off this beach or I shall have to come up with a sadistic way of punishing you."

"Fear not, dear lady," said the man with her. He seemed a bit archaic next to her and a bit confused. "My love for thee is so great that I must endeavor to do thy bidding with all my heart...or I shall suffer greatly."

"Who the hell is the nerd in the LARP costume?" Draco asked.

"Godric Gryffindor," the Plot Bunny replied. "Merlin save the poor soul that tried to write that ship. The time travel was by far the least disturbing aspect of the entire endeavor."

"I'll say."

"Just wait," the bunny informed them. "It can only get worse..."

A screech pierced the air as another wreck came into sight.

"That sounds like a hippogriff," remarked Pansy.

"Horrid things," Draco added.

It was indeed a hippogriff on the shore. Beside it stood a pale, jumpy looking boy clutching a camera.

"Come here, Buckbeak," squeaked the boy. "I only want to give you a little smoochie and take a little snapshot..."

"Not the Potter Fan Club," Draco moaned.

"Come give Colin a kiss," the boy pleaded. "Just wait until I put this on MySpace! Come on, darling, sweetheart, love divine..."

"Do people seriously write this shit?" Pansy asked.

"Unfortunately," the bunny replied. "This one crashed rather quickly I believe."

"Look out!" Draco shouted suddenly.

The Plot Bunny leapt for the rutter as the boat careened toward a huge, jagged rock that none of them had conveniently noticed for quite some time.

"It's another wreck," Pansy exclaimed through the mist.

Draco seemed upset as waves crashed on deck. "Sea water does not do wonders for my hair."

"I only want some sassafras and then we shall go to the theater," said a whimsical voice. "One in three doctors has a carousel on Sunday."

"Its Loony Luna!" Pansy said.

"Well obviously," Draco replied.

"They must have crashed on the rock."

"Well, obviously."

"Who's that with her?"

"Well, obviously."

Pansy scowled. "That response doesn't work for everything, Draco."

"Well, obviously."

"Weather predictions show a two percent chance of nugget filled elephants," Luna continued from the remains of her ship. She began to sing. "S.S. Bloody Nut House is the place for me!"

"Is that the theme song from Green Acres?" Draco inquired.

"Well, obviously," Pansy snapped. "S.S. Bloody Nut House..." She spotted a hovering image beside the bizarre Ravenclaw.

"Luna Lovegood/Bloody Baron," said the Plot Bunny. "Catchy ship name...but not much substance."

"I think the storm's clearing up!" Draco shouted.

"Did we ever establish that there was a storm?" Pansy shouted back.

"Probably not! But who cares? I think that's a rather minor issue. What I want to know is how a bunny is steering a ship!"

"Touché," Pansy replied. "Touché."

"I assure you I have obtained my boating license," said the Plot Bunny.

"What's on the far shore over there?" Draco asked.

"You don't want to know."

The blonde gave the licensed boater an inquisitive look.

"Mrs. Norris/Whomping Willow," the bunny said with reluctance.

"I don't even want to think about how that one works," responded Draco.

"I can't see anything on that beach," Pansy said, pointing to a deserted bank. "Does that mean we've made it through the Isle of Forgotten Ship Wrecks?"

"Hardly," said the Plot Bunny. "We're just getting starting."

"All I can make out from here is an old patched up hat and a dirty sock," Draco said.

"The Sorting Hat/Dobby's Sock."

"That's sick."