Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"No, wait!" Harry cried desperately as the Snarry Captain made to hoist him over the shoulder. "I--I can't role play just yet...we haven't properly prepared yet."

The Snapes gave him an assortment of all too curious looks.

"If you're talking about protection," murmured the Captain. "I assure you its below deck."

"First off," Harry said. "Ew but that's somewhat reassuring. Secondly, that's not what I meant!" He pried the older man's hands away from his waist and stepped back.

"What I mean is...if we really want the sultry scenario to go really well, and I think we all do..." He forced down vomit as the Captain nodded with excitement. "Then we need to set it all up perfectly before we get to the actual rutting like ferrets."

"Don't you mean bunnies?" inquired one eyed Snape.

"Yes, but you're all a bit smellier than bunnies, and ferrets are rather associated with the Slytherin house..."

"True."

"So what you're saying," interrupted the Snarry Captain. "Is that we need to set up the right ambience?"

"Yes, exactly!" Harry exclaimed. "Ambience! Brilliant word!"

"So what do you suggest?"

"Well, if you're going to be a naughty student or whatever...and I'm going to be the--er--submissive professor...then we've got to act out a proper potions class and all before you...er...stick it to me...and such."

The entire crew looked thrilled at the prospect of group participation.

"What are you lot so perky about?" the Captain snapped. "That don't mean he's up for sharin'!" He pulled Harry against him and began to stroke his hair covetously. "You can help with the ambience but as soon as class is dismissed Professor Potter and I will be engaging some private tutoring!"

"Do I even need to say it anymore?" Harry said. He bit his lip as the Captain's calloused hands cupped buttocks. "Well, I'd better go put my robes on."

The Captain grinned. "Keep the miniskirt."

"I hardly think that a professor would consider a miniskirt the proper attire fo--" He trailed off with a squeak as his drawers were ripped from his rear with unsolicited ferocity.

"Pretend we're in a public school," Snape whispered.

"Have you ever attended a public school?" asked Harry. "I have, and I really don't recall seeing the teachers wearing--"

"That's why it's called pretend."

"Right," he whimpered. "Pretend...Now you scurry along, you young rapscallion...or you'll be late to class!"

The Captain dashed off with glee, leaving Harry alone on deck.

"I'll just play along, and everything will be fine," the Gryffindor murmured. "It's only pretend..." He shivered as a cold sea breeze whipped under his skirt. "Great...I can just pretend that I'm not getting raped...brilliant plan."

He turned and walked back down to the Captain's quarters. Thump creak thump creak thump creak. "How odd..."

He paused just before opening the door. "I hate the world."

***

Dumbledore sat down at his desk and popped another lemon drop in his mouth. "So as I was saying Minerva, I really ought to cut back on the wine before I try giving mentorly advice and shit to the students...just last week I told Mr. Potter some absolute tripe about love triumphing over evil, and he totally bought it! Looked at me like I was the motherfucking messiah or something!"

His companion looked less than pleased to be there with him, but she had to attend her weekly obligatory tea with the headmaster and wasn't about to skip for two weeks in a row...or was it three?

"Come on, Minnie! Lighten up!" He nudged her with a grin. "Tea?"

She scowled. "Don't call me that, and yes, I'd love a cup of tea but all you seem to have is whiskey."

The headmaster chuckled and set his cup down. "Very well." Whiskey sloshed onto a stack of letters he had been meaning to read sometime that century. "Oh shit!" He quickly attempted to dry the papers of with his beard which was finally useful for something other than making him look charismatic.

He stopped as he came across a bright pink envelope. "Eh, what's this?"

"I have no idea," sighed a reluctant Minnie.

He ignored her and tore it open.

Dearest Albie,

"Hey, I like that! Call me Albie," he told Minnie.

Dearest Albie,

I am writing to inform you that three of your students have set out on a questical adventure. The aforementioned students go by the names of Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Pansy Parkinson. They will most likely be time traveling as well as parading around institutions of a bi-curious nature at the very least. They are probably in perilous danger and such, but no worries!

"Ah well, that's nice."

If you could perhaps excuse them from school for the next year, it would be much appreciated. You could count it as a school related field trip as they will undoubtedly learn something along the way, and if not, they must be terribly daft and wouldn't have learned anything had they been at Hogwarts anyway.

"Very logical."

More importantly, however, I would like to address the issue of how you are doing. We never hang out anymore, and I do wonder what you're up to. And even more importantly, I would like to point out how you are not me. It's really fantastic how not me you really are.

"By Zandar, that's right. I'm not!"

With love always and definitely not you,

Mysterious Person

"I'm not sure I know this Mysterious Person," Albie said. "But I like 'em!"