Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"I'm fine," slurred Future Draco as Vajayjay helped him into his seat. "I'm fine!" He shoved her hands away and glared at her. "This coat is pure kneazle...thank you very much! And you're...wrinkling it...and stuff." He slumped into the chair.

"What charming friends you have," said Veronica.

Pansy sighed and shook her head. "I wish I could say that they're better behaved when sober...but sometimes I'm afraid that only makes it worse."

"I thought we came here to party," Draco giggled. "Let's dance!"

Vicky scowled and kept her grip on his shoulder. "Sit."

Draco eased back down. "Alright...alright...damn, you broads are no fun--"

"Broads?"

Pansy intervened for the sake of Draco's lovely, soon to be ripped out throat. "Draco, shut up!" she hissed. She wagged a finger in his face. "Down boy."

"Alright," Future Draco mumbled. "We're here...so whatdoyouwant?" He frowned as his head slumped down to his chest.

"Exactly!" Draco exclaimed.

Vajayjay seemed just as lost the blonde pair. "Twins are so cute!"

"They're the same person," Veronica said. She turned to Pansy. "You have been time traveling."

"Well, yes...you see...this sounds so lame. The Draco in the white fur coat found this cat and got a little too attached...if you catch my drift."

"Men are weak," Vicky said with a smile. She looked very much like a deranged hobo who spent all her time collecting young girls like cans to fill her shopping cart of desperation.

Pansy was beginning to wish she had brought her mace with her. "Yeah. So pretty soon, the cat runs off and is found by another boy at school, Harry, and of course, he too becomes enamored of this cat--"

"Surely you chicks can understand the obsession with pussies," Draco put in. Pansy punched him in the arm. "Ow! That hurt...." He sniffled. "You know I'm tender."

"Then shut up!"

Draco sulked and rubbed his arm.

"Draco then went looking for his cat which led him to Harry, but lo and behold, the cat was nowhere to be found..."

"Tragic," cried Vajayjay. She sat on Future Draco's lap with a sob. Future Draco simply scowled at her briefly and returned to staring at his shoes.

"They decided in their brilliance," Pansy continued, "to go on an adventure to find their cat."

"Where does the time travel come in?" asked Veronica.

"It really doesn't matter," said Pansy. "He's always getting bafflingly stupid idea. Eventually, the Draco in the white fur coat took Harry on this ship to find the Draco in the black fur coat, so that the Draco in the white fur coat could ask the Draco in the black fur coat how to find the cat."

"I'm confused," said Vajayjay.

"What else is new?" Vicky muttered.

"And then the bad man took my Harry!" Draco moaned. He made a swooning motion.

"What Princess Helpless here is trying to say," Pansy told them, "is that the Snarry Pirates attacked the ship and stole Harry, and now we have to save him before...well...you know..."

"The inevitable Thank you, sir. May I have another?" Future Draco piped in.

"Yes, thank you," Pansy growled.

"No problem."

Veronica stood and paced the room slowly. "Hm...this is a sticky situation indeed."

"Hold the disturbing sexual comments," Pansy ordered. The Dracos slumped with disappointment.

"First thing to do," Veronica continued, "is to accomplish what you came for originally."

The group stared at her in silence.

"Ask him how to find the cat," Veronica sighed. "Then we'll take care of the butt pirate situation."

"Oh," said Draco, sobering up a bit. "Um...yes...how did you--"

"I didn't," Future Draco muttered. "I haven't found him yet."

"What?"

"I was so upset over losing Harry that I forgot my search. I just sat on the SS Guns'n'Handcuffs and got shitfaced."

"You...you..." Draco seemed about to explode. "Actually, that does sound like me. Good plan."

"It seemed like it at the time."

"They just keep proving all my theories right," Vicky mused.

Pansy walked over to Veronica. "Where can we find the Snarry Pirates? Please...we're wasting time, and we need to find him."

Veronica looked into her eyes calmly. "I can see that there is more at stake here than a missing cat."

Pansy blushed. "Please."

"Go down to the docks and find the Plot Bunny," Veronica told them. "The ships can't go anywhere without his help. He'll know where to find your friend."

"Right, let's go then!" piped Draco, leaping to his feet.

"One moment," Veronica interrupted. "Something is being overlooked."

They looked around as if the something was in the room. Draco lifted up the tea cozy. "Damn, it's never there!"

Veronica walked over to him. "You have to go back."

"Back where?" He blinked.

"In order to ensure that you and Pansy run into...um...you," she said. "You, Draco in the white fur coat, must go back to your time and wait."

Draco sulked. "But I'll get bored."

She rolled her eyes. "Some fics may allow inconsistencies and unexplained plot lines when it comes to time travel, but--"

"Just do it, Draco," Pansy said.

"You can spend all your time drinking and hitting on boys," Future Draco suggested. "And here." He handed over his black fur coat. "You'll be needing that."

Draco seemed disappointed. "But I'll be missing out on the adventure."

"No, you won't," said Veronica. "You're still having it right now...cause you're him."

He cheered up a bit. "Hey, that's right!"

"Just consider it...a mid-quest recuperation vacation."

"I like the sound of that," Draco said with a grin. He pulled out his time turner.

"Don't forget to wait for yourself," Pansy said. She waved.

"I'll be too wasted to remember to forget," he responded, waving back.

"I'll miss you, Draco," she said.

"No, you won't," said Future Draco.

"Oh right."

"See you in a year," Draco said, winding the time turner, and just like that he was gone.

"Did it work?" asked Future Draco who was now just plain Draco.

"Well, we're still here," said Pansy.

"And the walls aren't oozing with blood," Veronica added. "That's a good sign."