Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"Eep!" Harry turned and scowled as he realized that it was the same one-eyed Snape from before.

"What?" asked the Snape. "You seem a bit jumpy. Who were you expecting? The Snarry Captain?"

"No," Harry snapped. "Well yes. I mean, you did sound an awful lot like him."

The Snape chuckled. "Believe me...you'll know when the Captain's coming."

"Insert disturbing yet predictable gay joke here," Harry mumbled in Draco's absence.

"What was that?"

"Erm...nothing." He let go of the stilettos he had been struggling with. "Well, then what was all that thump-creaking about? It was very deceptive you know!"

"Every other floor board is squeaky," the Snape explained. He marched around to demonstrate, the floor responding with a cheerful thump-creak.

Harry frowned.

"Well, don't ask me. I've always thought it was peculiar." The Snape continued towards Harry. "The Captain has grown weary of the schoolgirl scenario. He demands that you wear this."

Harry took the outfit from him and stared in horror more utter than he'd ever imagined it could be. He dropped the plain robes and greasy black wig. "Oh no...I've heard of reverse role-playing but this is ridiculous."

"The Captain insists."

"It's the same scenario!" Harry shrieked. "Can't I just be the naughty student? I'd be a terrible Snape. Besides, I just got these shoes on and all."

"The Captain says keep the shoes but put on the robes and wig...still no undies."

"This is sick stuff," Harry moaned. "What kind of twisted fuck would think this up?" He sat down and asked himself: What would Draco do? Then realized that the answer was probably sob like a little girl and reconsidered his choice in role models.

"It's a Snarry ship," the Snape explained. "What do you expect? A professor can only go so long without getting laid, and you do look fantastic in those pumps."

"Does this mean I don't have to be the catcher at least?"

The pirate laughed. "I don't think you quite understand the scenario. Usually, you would be the submissive naughty student that gets banged by the strict potions master. Now you're the submissive potions master that gets banged by the naughty student."

"This hardly seems fair," Harry remarked.

"We're pirates," Snape said. "Pillage and rape. It's what we do...mainly the second one. What do you think this is? A Gilbert and Sullivan operetta?"

"Certainly not," replied the Gryffindor. "The comedy is of a different caliber entirely."

He noticed the visually impaired Snape eyeing his legs covetously. "I just don't know what I'll do..." he cried, an epiphany striking. "If only I could get one last look at the sky before I am deflowered...for just a little while. I'd be ever so grateful to whoever helped me." He crossed his legs slowly and attempted to bat his eyelashes in what he hoped was a seductive manner. "Ever so grateful..."

The pirate licked his lips. "I suppose just a few minutes would be possible." He looked around as if they weren't the only ones in the room despite the fact that they clearly were. "As long as the Captain doesn't hear a word of it..."

Harry smirked and shook his head with childlike innocence. "Oh I'd never dream of it." He stood and hiked up his miniskirt with a grin. "After you."

The Snape toddled up the stairs, blushing. "Now, you promise you'll behavior yourself. "

"Not if I can help it," Harry giggled. He cringed inwardly at himself and began to wonder where he was pulling all this damsel in distress crap from. "Oh this is so exciting," he squeed. "I've always wanted to be a part of a questical adventure...you know danger, braverism, swashbucklery...all that!"

"Are you bonkers?" Snape asked, apparently making sure that Harry's skirt was in order with his teeth.

Harry was beginning to think that blondes did in fact suffer from mental decay and that prolonged exposure to their company was damaging to one's sanity. Why did everything Draco said seem even loonier when Harry tried to say it?

"A pretty song for a pretty boy?" crooned Blackbeard Snape.

"Back off," snapped the other Snape. "This one's the Captain's."

"It's just a song," Blackbeard Snape insisted. "I won't lay a finger on the boy...no matter how tempting he is in his clichéd costume."

"I told you it was predictable," Harry muttered.

"Fine," the Snape with the eye patch hissed. "But make it fast. The Captain will be back at any moment, and if he catches his love pet on deck, we're all royally fucked."

Blackbeard Snape strummed his guitar, the drama building.

"Oooooooh...I'm a butt pirate! Yes, I am!

I dig in ya bum for treasure!

I fly around in my little shiiiiiiip!

My boyfriends call me Pip!"

Various disheveled, scantily clad Harry's popped out and echoed him reluctantly.

"His boyfriends call him Pip!"

"Well, that's just darling," Harry said. He started toward the edge of the ship. "And I think it's about time for me to skedaddle now...so..." He turned to make his escape. Unfortunately, his face met something rather like the chest of a horny pedophile.

"Going somewhere?" growled the Snarry Captain.

"Well, not anymore." Harry sulked and pondered whether he was allowed to cry now since he was obviously meant to be the woman on this ship.

"I can only assume," the Captain continued. "That you conned my men into allowing you on deck simply in your anxiousness to see me."

"Well, yes, and it's great to see you," Harry stammered. "But I'm in a terrible rush--"

"To get to the bedroom?" interrupted the Captain.

"Well, no, I--"

"Pity...I'm afraid that's the only place you'll be going for a long, long time."

Harry moaned. "I have been cursed to attract only mentally unstable Slytherins. Nope! No sweet, sane boys for me! I have to snag the sex crazed nut jobs."

"Nut jobs? I've never had one of those. Is it similar to blo--"

"Insert innuendo here!" Harry cried.

"I'll show you where to insert your innuendo," the Snarry Captain mused.

"Is it up my arse?" Harry snapped. "Is it?"

The Captain seemed taken aback. "Um...yes...yes it is."

"I thought so!"