Every Guy has a Soft Spot for a Cat

"I could get used to this place," said Draco as he sipped on Senora Happy in the Panties Mocha Frappe Flavorfiesta.

"Me too," Future Draco agreed, "Except--"

"Excuse me," purred a tall redhead wearing a tight tee displaying the words I *heart* Bush...and I don't mean the president. "Can I buy you lovely ladies a drink?"

"I've got a penis, thank you," Future Draco explained, pointing at his groin. He turned back to Draco as the redhead inched away from him as if testosterone was an air born disease of which Draco was a carrier bearing no visible symptoms. "As I was saying, except...for the countless lesbians trying to get in my pants."

He scowled as a blonde lumberjack approached the counter. "Back off, man hating viper!"

The lumberjack frowned. "I'm a man, you twat, and I wouldn't bother offering to buy you drinks...I'm really not into the pussy loving type."

"For Zandar's sake," Future Draco cried. "We're not that effeminate, are we?"

"Of course not," Draco said. "We just have great legs and just happen to look stunning with a touch of eye liner. Is that a crime?"

The lumberjack eyed them with new interest. "So are you two twins or something? Cause I've never done the threesome thing before, but..."

"Back off, Paul Bunyan!" Future Draco snapped.

"Paul Bunyan?"

"I read it somewhere."

Draco giggled as the lumberjack wandered over to his female co-workers with a sulk.

"What?" sighed Future Draco.

"I was just thinking," Draco murmured. "If we were to have sex with each other, would it be incest?"

"Yes, I suppose it would, but--don't tell me you're actually thinking about..."

"Of course not! I'm not THAT much of a narcissist. I mean, there was that time with the magic mirror in the basement--"

"Don't remind me. You ask it if you're the fairest in the land nowadays, and all it can do is scream, 'Please don't touch me there! I need an adult! Not my no-no spot!'"

"Are you two still conscious?" asked Norma gruffly. "Here." She shoved two more drinks at them and grinned. "Drink up and shut up." She stalked back into the darkness, giving the thin, busty waitress a pat on the toosh.

"She's friendly," Future Draco said.

"Yes," agreed Draco. "If by friendly you mean: contemplates committing genocide on the male race on a daily basis." He shrugged. "Well, you heard the man, drink up!"

Pansy tried not to seem too startled as the door to the strangely plush and purple room Norma had stashed her in creaked open. A slender woman wearing a flowy lavender dress entered and sat across from the young Slytherin.

"You must be Pansy," the woman cooed. "I am Veronica. The Wisdom of the Triple V." She smiled whimsically.

"Um...cool," Pansy said, now unsure of what her plan was.

Another woman marched through the door. She wore lilac slacks and matching suit jacket. She sat beside Veronica and eyed Pansy. "I am Vicky. The Feminism of the Triple V."

"I see."

"And I--"

"Not yet!" hissed Vicky, glaring at the girl about to enter.

"Sorry," came the giggly response. "I forgot. I enter, then introduce myself!"

The third woman bounced in, her...erm...endowments jiggling enthusiastically in her tight violet bikini. She plopped down beside Pansy and sidled up to her with a dopey grin. "Hello! I'm Vajayjay! I'm the pretty one!"

"The Beauty of the Triple V," Veronica corrected patiently.

"Pleasure," Pansy replied. She scooted away from Vajayjay and forced herself to ignore her neighbor's bodacious fun bags as best she could.

"And why have you come to the V Room?"

"Well, I need...rather, my friend...s...need your help."

"Your friends," Vicky interrupted. "Why would the Triple V wish to help two men who obviously shun the female sex?"

"Don't hold the fact that Draco is gayer than a May Day parade against him. He clearly wasn't built for women."

"She speaks wisdom," Veronica said.

Vajayjay laughed hysterically. "And she's funny too!"

"They don't let you off the leash too often, do they?" Pansy said.

Vajayjay broke into another fit of giggles and shoved Pansy with glee.

"Down girl," Vicky snapped.

"So anyways," Pansy continued. "I'm looking for a butt pirate, the Infamous Snarry Captain."

The Triple V looked concerned.

"You are set on a dangerous course," Veronica informed her.

"I must know," Pansy said.

They exchanged glances then turned to her. "Where are your friends?"

"He's a lumberjack and he's okay!

He sleeps all night, and he works all day!

He cuts down trees! He skips and jumps!

He likes to press wild flowers!

He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars!"

Draco jumped up on the bar and began dancing with his future self who was rather engaged with the strange lumberjack from before. All three broke into the ending chorus with gusto.

"I cut down trees! I wear high heels...

Suspenders and a bra!

I wish I'd been a girlie just like my dear papa!"

"This is just confirming my hatred for men," said Vicky, her heels clacking as she marched up to the counter. "Get down, male creatures."

"Helloooo there, lovely!" Future Draco cried.

She yanked him off the counter. "You are the bane of my existence."

Draco winced as she took him by the ear. "Hey, easy there, love! No one likes a bitter lezzy..."

"You are detestable, and the Triple V requires your presence."

Future Draco chuckled drunkenly. "You really hate men, don't you?"

"Yes," she replied.

"That's funny," he cried. "Because...if you think about it...you're more of a man than either of us will ever be."

Vicky froze, lost suddenly. "You know...I never thought of it that way before...through my relentless hatred of men, I have become that which I abhor." She snapped out of it and scowled. "Men are deceitful pigs!"

"I'm fine with that," Draco said. "As long as I get to orgasm for 30 minutes like a pig does, that is a-okay with me!"

She blinked at him incomprehensibly. "This way. I hear there's a meat lover's special in the other room." She smirked.

"As long as there are no anchovies on it," Draco countered. "I've never been too fond of fish ever since my first encounter with a tuna taco...very traumatic."