Firewhiskey, Marauders and Pink Tutus (aka: Definitely Not a Good Combination)

"So, Padfoot, is the coast clear?" James Potter asked.

"I don't know, Prongs," Sirius Black responded, glancing back up from where he was rummaging around in the chest at the foot of his bed. His shaggy black hair flopped forward over his face with a nonchalant ease that his best friend's own crop could only dream of. "Why don't you go and have a look? It's like you think I'm the second-in-command or something, and I don't recall either volunteering for or being demoted to that post."

"Let's rock-paper-scissors it," James shrugged. With Remus or Peter he might have pressed the point further, but he could never argue with Sirius for long. The boys duelled in a fashion, sniggering when they each cast the same object three times in a row, then finally Sirius landed scissors to James's paper. "Bugger," James said. He slowly rolled off the bed and loped over to the door.

"So, the coast is clear?" Sirius sang out. "No Evans about? She can't be as you still seem to have the power of speech. And thanks. I'd misplaced mine." He ducked with a laugh as James launched his scarf at him, then tucked it into his own trunk. "And you're not acting like a complete arrogant prat. Only seventy-five percent of one. So yes, definitely no Evans in the vicinity."

James came back, flopping down on his bed so that he was lying in his original position. "You can't talk. You're as big a one as me."

"Goes without saying. Just look at the amount of points we've had removed from Gryffindor all by ourselves this year alone. But we always earn them back. Because we're just brilliant that way."

James grinned. "You know-"

"-Yes, I do know. I am all-knowing-"

"-I sometimes wonder-"

"-You wonder, Prongs? Don't strain yourself now-"

"-if we're only best mates because no one else would have us."

"Speak for yourself. Rita Skeeter at the Halloween Party, she was quite happy to have me. Whether or not I'll have her of course is another matter." Sirius winced and let out a bark of a laugh. "And Marlene McKinnon. Also quite happy to have me-"

"-In your dreams-"

"Which just shows how much you know."

James boggled. "Really?"

"Nope. As for Helen Bones though..." Sirius trailed off with a lecherous grin.

"Enough about your sex life. Why do we always end up talking about that?"

"Because I have one."

"So do I."

"Your right hand doesn't count. But you're saving yourself for Evans, so I'll forgive you. Though at the rate you're going, you'll probably die a virgin. You really need to rethink your strategy, if you have one to begin with." He smirked at James's scowl. "I only tell you this because I love you."

"Well, you know what they say, Padfoot. With friends like you, who needs enemies? But we've already established that I have the brains and you got stuck with the looks."

"Have we now?"

"Merlin's Balls, you've even more of a prick than usual today, Padfoot. You either need to get laid or drunk, and I really can't help you with the former, despite the insinuations that Skeeter is passing around."

"Whatever Skeeter's on, I want to know where she's getting it," Sirius shrugged. "She thinks that just because a bloke says no to her means that he's a fairy." He returned to dumping his possessions in and out of his trunk.

"That must be it." James sat up and snapped his fingers. "Evans doesn't like boys."

"Or she has taste. Pull the other one, Prongs."

James laughed. "Godric, you're a bastard. What do I need to do to shut you up?"

"Get me drunk. Actually, that might work for Evans as well. After half a bottle of Firewhiskey she might find you only slightly irritating, and hopefully in a charming, roguish way. But since I have to spend more time around you than she does, I lay claim to my half of that bottle you hid in my trunk." He tossed a mismatched pair of socks over his shoulder. "And hid very well too. Where the bloody hell is it?"

"Somewhere that no one would ever think to look for it."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Wormtail's trunk?"

"Nah. Wormtail can be so thick at times that I wouldn't trust him not to mistake it for cordial and drink it. Try Moony's."

"Good thinking." Sirius ambled over to Remus Lupin's bed on his knees. Seconds later he'd produced the bottle. "Still as we left it. Bless Moony, he's too honest for his own good at times."

"Speaking of which, do you think we should wait for him?"

"I don't think he'd really want to know about it, being a prefect and everything," Sirius frowned. "But you're right. It's not a proper piss-up unless we have a lightweight who we can mock mercilessly present and participating. Wormtail would be funnier to get drunk."

"Wormtail has a deceptively strong constitution. And he never drinks. What a waste. Moony...well, I think he'll come around. I feel as though we ought to let him have some, since he kept it hidden for us in his trunk for three months. And besides, if he's a participant, then he can hardly report us, can he?"

"I admire your logic, Master Prongs." Sirius twisted off the cap and raised the bottle at James.

* * *

Meanwhile Lily Evans, prefect and Muggleborn, was raging at the world. Or, more specifically, James Potter and Sirius Black. Which as she was a prefect and they were - well, James Potter and Sirius Black - she was forced to give more than their fair share of attention to. Two first years approached wearing smiles at the sight at one of the (normally) more kindly senior students, which quickly turned to looks of alarm at the black expression on her face, and then scuttled out of the way. Lily paid them no heed, if she had noticed them at all. Her mind was fixated on one thing. Just when she had finally managed to get James Potter completely out of her head - they had gone too far this time!

Normally when angry, Lily preferred to take time out and mentally regroup and cool off before taking on the guilty parties, but the trek up to the boys' wing in Gryffindor Tower had only served to fuel her ire. Which was what she was hoping would happen. She didn't classify herself as being a mild or cowardly person, and she had more than the shade of the stripes on the tie at her neck to prove that, but despite years of practice something about taking on James and Sirius made her feel distinctly unsettled. And she couldn't quite put her finger on the reason why. And Lily didn't like not knowing the reason why. Lily very much liked to know the whys and hows of things.

Unfortunately, James - no, James and Sirius - didn't really fit whys and hows. Unless it was "Why are they both such bloody gits?" and "How have they managed not to be expelled after all these years?" The only two in that whole friendship group that she had time for were Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew; Remus because he was a decent and intelligent enough fellow (though she wished he had enough force to exude a sterner influence over his friends) and Peter because he was more of a follower than a leader and wouldn't have got up to anything had he not the other two to goad him on. Would that Peter have been Sorted into Hufflepuff, Remus into Ravenclaw and the other two landed together in Slytherin, where they would have had nothing to do with each other and she therefore less to do with them! She reflected and admitted that she was being unfair. Remus at least could stay in Gryffindor. And after tonight she would be having a long talk with him about keeping his friends in line better. But right now she had two teenaged boys to put the fear of Godfrey into.

Blasting open the door (because in such situations, knocking just wouldn't cut it) she cried out, "What the bloody hell were you thinking?"

"Evans!" Sirius swooped forward and bestowed a bearhug upon the unwilling redhead, giving James enough time to stash the Firewhiskey under his pillow. "We've gone up in your estimation since our last meeting. Last time you said that we didn't think at all."

"And I still stand by it!" She wriggled out of Sirius's arms and smoothed down the front of her uniform angrily, looking vaguely reminiscent of a cat which had been caught out in the rain.

"So how can we not think if we don't think at all?" James beamed. If he didn't have such a horrid personality behind it, she realized, he'd actually have quite a nice smile. "In order to not do something, we have to be capable of doing it in the first place. But confusion is an understandable effect for my manly presence to have on you, so I'll overlook this inconsistency, just this once."

"More likely because I'm confused wondering whether you're a man or not," Lily shot back. Sirius let out a loud guffaw then quickly snapped his mouth shut, at least having the grace to look abashed at James's glower. "Really, you two have done it this time! You've broken so many rules that I hardly know where to start!"

"So don't start." Sirius, ever the smooth operator, slid an arm around her waist but she shrugged him off. Few girls were immune to the charms of the eldest Black but then, few girls had hauled him into detention as many times as she. "Let us off the hook, Evans, just this once?"

"Just this once?" If Lily had been one of those redheads with curls, she would have bristled at that very moment. "As if you haven't broken every rule in the book, and even the ones they've yet to come up with to boot! You've got a bloody cheek and a nerve-"

"Do you really think you should be using such unladylike language, Lily?" Sirius asked. "It's a bit beneath you at least, and as a prefect you should really be trying to set a good example to the rest of us."

"I would, but as far as you two are concerned it's a lost cause!"

"Hang on." James held up a hand. "This time I really don't know what I've done. Or whether I've done anything at all, to be honest."

"Oh, don't play dumb with me." Lily's hands fisted upon her hips. "Are you trying to make me believe that the knights in the fourth floor hall got pink tutus and peg legs of their own accord?"

"Pink tutus and peg legs?" James and Sirius shared a look with each other, then collapsed in guffaws of laughter. Had the act of such not further enraged Lily, she might have noticed that prior to it the pair had looked genuinely bemused, but instead she stood by, regarding the two coldly and silently fuming. James was the first to recover. "Really, Lily, it's a top prank," he said. "And we wish we could take credit for it. But this time we weren't involved."

"Yeah, we've been here all this time," Sirius added with a nod. "Just ask - well, I know that you're not going to believe us - but just ask Remus. He'll back us up when he gets back from...wherever he is. Where did he say he was getting off to?" he asked James.

"Didn't say anything. He just upped and left."

"Oh, come off it," Lily scoffed. "Those knights have James Potter and Sirius Black written all over them."

"Really?" Sirius's mouth twitched. "Written all over them, you say? I don't recall autographing any knights, do you, James?"

"Nope, me neither," James shrugged, then turned serious at the glint in the redhead's eye. "For real, Lily. We had nothing to do with them."

"So, let me get this straight." Lily's voice held a menacing note which suggested she was only just getting warmed up. "You two have an alibi, which other than yourselves consists of the word of someone who isn't even present. What about nine OWLs exactly suggests that I am enough of an idiot to be taken in by such a pathetic and lame cover story? Do I have the word "fool" written on my forehead?"

"Actually..." Sirius flicked his wand in her direction. Her temples tingled briefly, and she didn't need a mirror to know that the figurative had become literal and she did indeed have the word fool written on her forehead. "Sorry. You're not really a fool, Evans, and I've got the detentions to prove it. But that was just too good an opportunity to pass up. I couldn't resist."

"It was a rhetorical question, you twit!" Lily cried, all but raking her fingers through her hair with frustration.

"Apologies. I don't do rhetorical questions. You'll have to check with Pettigrew on that one. Every question's a rhetorical one with him, if you take the strict definition of the word, because he can't answer any of them."

"That was mean," Lily protested. "Peter's a nice boy."

"It's easy to be nice if you're an idiot."

"Well, that says a lot for you, doesn't it, if you choose to be friends with someone who you think is an idiot." She was starting to feel drained. Dealing with these two always took so much out of her. Lily didn't mind hard work, but at the same time she liked to feel as if she making progress, and with James and Sirius the phrase 'banging your head against a brick wall' sprang to mind. Finally she located a mirror and stood in front of it, meaning to remove the charm.

"Don't." A hand reached out and grasped her wrist. James's. She felt uncomfortable with the contact, but strangely not because she was annoyed with him. "It's not a standard cosmetic charm. So you cast it yourself, you'll only end up reversing it because of the reflection, and who knows what will happen?" Lily stared at him. The serious expression was foreign on his face, but not unattractive. And Godric, he had brains as well. Apparently he hadn't gotten an "O" in Charms due to a pretty - since when was James Potter pretty? She swallowed. He was awfully close to her. "I'll do it. Just keep still." She closed her eyes - she found that she was grateful for the excuse not to look at him, with him being so near - and when she opened them again the writing was gone. "Sirius, that was completely unnecessary."

James was joking. At least Lily thought so. And expected Sirius to respond in kind. So she was surprised when he reacted defensively. "Oh, come on. It was just a little joke."

"Well, if it was 'just a little joke,' how come neither of us are laughing? You could have over or underdone the charm, and then Lily would be off to the hospital wing. You don't miss around with shit like that on someone's person, unless you really know what you're doing. Apologise to her at once."

"Really, James, thank you but it's not necessary." Lily was starting to feel odd, like her perceptions of the universe were not quite what they used to be. She had seen James squabble with Sirius from time-to-time, but it was always forgotten in a moment. Never before had he appeared this obviously and prolongedly annoyed with his best friend.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry!" Sirius held up both hands in a gesture both pacifying and defeatist. "Godric's codpiece, I don't need to be told to remember my manners." He swept his overhanging hair back off his forehead, as seemingly uncomfortable by the tension in the room as Lily. "What's keeping that Lupin?"

For the second time that evening, the door to the sixth year boys' dormitory burst open. It was Remus Lupin, but as Lily had never seen him before. Not James and Sirius either, judging by the looks on the faces. He was staggering under the weight of a collection of objects clutched to his chest, but more than he ought to, and it looked like his limbs weren't working properly.

Remus Lupin, Lily realized, was drunk.

"Whatsitellsyoush, Icanshoodrink," Remus slurred, tilting forward dangerously into the room. "And yoush not shee onleesh ones shoo can getsh points taken shoff Grysshindosh, oh noes. Ish given the shights a makeover." He brandished a peg leg, causing the rest to tumble out of his arms and crash to the floor, then staggered over to collapse on the edge of his bed, the springs groaning under the sudden dropped weight of his normally light form. "Now wheresh the rest of sha Firewhiskey?"

"You drank most of it, Remus," James suggested, a dubious look on his face. "Remember? Um, come to think of it, you probably don't."

"Did nosh drink all sha Firewhiskey." Remus waggled a finger at him. "Would be shable shoo walk shin a straigsh line if shad drunk all sha Firewhiskey? Nooosh. And shee, I proves it shoo you." He swayed to his feet and took one step forward, then collapsed to the ground.

Over the prone form of her fellow prefect, Lily glowered at the two still standing. Though not for much longer. At least, not by the time she was through with them. "Firewhiskey?" she began. James and Sirius edged closer together. "FIREWHISKEY!?"

The End