Harry Potter and the Tea Party of Doom!

A/N: Tommy-boy´s sexuality is not a rag on gays, but rather on himself. The name Serpentina is from a fic writer with the same pen-name. Artem, Serenity, Kelly Tederous, etc. (basically any names you don´t recognize) belong to themselves...or do they?

and now onto...

Harry Potter and the Tea Party of Doom

(A HP `after-the-end´ fic Parody)

"Oh dear," the man sighed, "I´ve run out of Earl Gray! I´m so sorry, but would you have orange instead, Nelly?"

Nelly (the Loch Ness Monster) shook her head at the man with the fluffy pink bathrobe, sitting across from her at the table, still in a daze. Just two weeks ago this man had come to her lake, disturbing her peace, trying to enlist her help in his plans for world domination. Where were they now? At a tea party, talking about pink lace and weddings! Nelly, after receiving the cup of Orange Spice from the man, sidled out into the crowd, eager to get away...

~*~

Entering the same party, Artem shook his head in despair at finding fluffy pink...everything! Just a week ago the host of the party had held a meeting with potentially influential people of the world. As a short, boring, and ugly man with a Napoleon Complex, Artem and secretly planned to undermine them all and take over the world by himself, through Russia, naturally. But now it seemed, he could dominate without any interferance from this...man if you could call him that.

~*~

Serenity watched the goings-on of the party from what she deemed a safe distance. Although she was frightened...very frightened by what she saw, she had come to accompany her husband Severus Snape, a former associate of the host. Serenity was about to make a very loud comment about the nature of the party to her husband, when she saw that her daughter Serpentina was being attacked by Plotless Bunnies (the worst kind) and ran to save her.

~*~

Poor Neville Longbottom was even worse off. Some crazy muggle invited by the host was in a rage about some sort of muggle apothecary, a pharmacy maybe? When he´d asked the woman if she´d seen his toad she only yelled at him, "DO YOU THINK TEDEROUS IS SPELT WITH A P???" when he proceeded to back away slowly, as his grandmother had always taught him to do, she grabbed him by the shirt collar and continued her yelling. "AND DO THEY EVEN ASK? NO! THEY JUST SPEND FIVE MINUTES WALKING AROUND LOOKING ON THE COUNTERS AS IF IT WAS THERE AND INSTEAD OF THE SHELVES BEHIND THEM!" With a final sob, she released him and proceeded to cry, "Oh! My poor Grace!" Leaving Neville bewildered. What in he name of Merlin was CVS?

~*~

Harry Potter´s long-time Nemesis, Draco Malfoy, was amusing himself by prancing around in a corner of the room in what seemed to be, LEATHER PANTS??? while seemingly enjoying the affections lavished on him by Mary Sue, while a boy named Gary Stu looked on enviously.

~*~

About half-way into the party and 17 vodkas (on the host´s part) later, the host himself stood up (quite drunkenly) to make a speech.

"Old friends, old enemies, and whatever the rest of you are, thank you for coming!" he slurred.

There was a cheer from the crowd but not a very enthusiastic one.

The man waited for silence then continued. "As all of you know my name is Tom Riddle, or Tommy-boy to my friends, but there was a time in my life in which this was not always so."

A hush fell over the crowd, as they knew what was coming next.

"I was only sixteen!" Tom sobbed, undergoing rapid mood-swings, (almost as bad as a pregnant woman is a Parselmouth on vodka, or so they used to say) "and I made a mistake. But that basilisk offered me anything I wanted, and I believed him-" Tom broke off unable to go on.

"Do you know how it is for a sixteen-year old at Hogwarts in the 1940´s to be different? To be gay? Anyway, this is why I turned into that horrible monster of a man, Voldemort.

There was some general snuffling on the audiences part. Hagrid even cried outright, but more for Argog and the Basilisk than anything else...

Since the Final Battle a week ago, Harry had blasted `Voldie´ and he had been like...this ever since. Needless to say, this was quite disconcerting for poor Harry.

"From now on I wish to be called Tommy-boy, but my savior Harry Potter and his friends can call me Uncle Voldie!"

At this there was a collective "Awww!" from the audience which Tom received with teary eyes and a hand over his heart.

Nobody noticed poor Harry, who was still sitting shocked in a corner, looking as if he was contemplating whether or not to check himself, or Voldemort for that matter, into a Mental Institution.

"So now my friends," Tom continued "We can plot again, but this time not for the destruction of the world, but for the union of a happy couple. It is with joy and love for Gilderoy Lockhart, the most charming, magical creature in existence, and him for me that we declare our engagement!" Tom was teary-eyed by now. "It is most unfortunate that he could not be here right now, but he flooed out this morning, for he is continuing his life-altering research with Aberforth Dumbledore on the subject of goat charms..."

By this time a wide-eyed Harry, along with his girlfriend Ginny, and their friends, the married couple Ron and Hermione left, supposedly back to their home in Fluffville where they owned an (again, pink) house made of fluff. They did not plan on attending the wedding, but then again, who could resist the charms and wiles (feminine or otherwise) of `Uncle Voldie?´