The Talk (GASP!!)

Well, the night had finally arrived. I'd been waiting in the common room all night, nervously glancing at the clock, trying to get a good idea of how close it was to eleven thirty. I couldn't believe I was nervous about sex advice. I mean really, I was blowing this out of proportion! But I couldn't help noticing my heart beat increase as I noticed the time read "11:25." Fred was probably upstairs already; waiting...waiting for me to ask all the questions I might want to ask. Oh what the hell was I getting all worked up for?! It was just sex advice!

"Harry, are you coming up or what?" Fred shouted from the entrance to the boys' dormitories. It made it worse that the entire common room could hear him.

"I'm coming Fred." Come on now Harry. Get your ass up to that dormitory!

But I didn't budge. What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just move? Had my nervousness really gotten the better of me? I didn't know. All I did was stay rooted to the spot I was in.

"Come on Harry! You're not scared are you?" Now this was just getting out of hand!

"No Fred, I'm not scared."

"Then get your lazy ass up these steps! Do you want sex advice or not?" And yes, the entire common room could hear him...and that included Hermione.

"Harry, what's he on about?" Hermione asked, sounding suspicious.

"Oh, nothing! Just Fred, babbling. I'm gonna go see what he wants," *Whew* Got myself out of that one.

I rushed past Fred up the stairs and into the 7^th year boys' dormitories. I felt slightly uneasy as I sat down on Fred's bed, Fred in close proximity. I couldn't believe I was so friggin' nervous over a simple bit of sex advice. And it was for my benefit! If all went well, I'd be laid this time tomorrow night. But my heart still pounded and my pulse still raced when Fred sat down next to me and asked, bringing on the conversation...

'"So Harry, here we are. What do you want to know?"

"Umm...uh - I dunno...uh..." This was going nowhere fast.

"All right, why don't we start from square one. Do you know the actual thing that gives a woman the actual pleasure?"

"Uh..."

"Guess not. It's the clitoris. That's why you may have heard things about size not mattering. Well, it doesn't, really. It's how you tease the clitoris that matters." Gee, this was really intimidating me.

"You have to know and understand that without the clitoris, there'd be no pleasure for her. Remember, size doesn't matter. Anyway, on to the next. How do you approach her?"

"Um..." I was such an amateur.

We seriously were going nowhere. I couldn't believe that not only did I know nothing, I was still nervous. And Fred, I was guessing, hadn't gotten anywhere in terms of education. I should've taken that Sex Ed. class with Snape. But I knew I wouldn't be able to stand extra lessons with him. Damn, what a predicament. So here I was, getting pointers from Fred, feeling more out of it than an alcoholic.

"Well, I'd make her feel really sexy. Girls are self-lubricating. You know you need a lubricant right? For the friction? Hehe." Friction? Now I was really freakin' out.

"Well, she's self-lubricating. But she's gotta get hot, or 'sexually excited' before she lubricates right? So what do you think you need to do to get her 'lubricated'?"

"Um...make her feel sexy?"

"Very good, you're learning! Hmm...what else do you want to know?"

"Well...it's supposed to be painful the first time, right? So, can you avoid that, or no?"

"Nah, old boy. I'm afraid you can't. That's only for the girl though; the guys don't feel pain, only pressure, which is where our pleasure comes from. Hey, you never told me who this mystery girl is. So who's the lucky chick?" Damn; I was afraid of that question.

"Uh...ahem, it's uh...um..." I couldn't bring myself to say it. Well duh! I'd be nervous about a simple little sex advice talk!

"It's Hermione, isn't it? Don't think I don't know about you two." So he figured it out himself. Brilliant adduction.

"Yeah, okay fine, so it's Hermione. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing at all, Harry old friend! That just makes it better! We've known each of you a while; it's almost like watching our students grow up..." I hardly felt like Fred's student. Okay, so maybe I was.

Well, the night finally ended. It was getting a little late and I didn't have the stamina to stay up much later. Oh no...what if I didn't have the stamina for Hermione?! Must stop thinking things like that! Anyway, I headed down to my own dormitories, feeling much better about getting laid. Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world after all! But I couldn't help wondering about something...did Hermione have experience?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So Harry was getting sex advice huh? And from Fred Weasley no doubt. The whole common room heard Fred shouting to him. He probably went to him because I told him I was ready - if he was. If he was. Looks like he got that statement a little twisted. Oh well...I loved Harry, and I really was ready. The only problem was, I needed advice as well. But from who? And of course I couldn't let anyone know. I wouldn't be so stupid as to shout it from the mountaintops. I heard that Fleur Delacour had shagged the other Weasley twin and Bill Weasley. Talk about experience! And luckily, she took a job at Gringotts in Diagon Alley. Of course I'd have to get out there somehow, but that wouldn't be too hard. Yep, I had my plan worked out. Soon I, too, would be receiving...(WaNaNa!!) the TALK! *GASP!*