The Talk (GASP!!)

It's been approximately three weeks, five days and seven hours since Hermione Granger publicly announced her feelings for me. Yes, I'm counting! Have a problem with that?! Okay, I know I'm pathetic. But you don't understand, Hermione is...let's just say I've been eyeing her for some time. So has Ron actually; I think I need to have a talk with him. And come to think of it, so has Draco Malfoy! Forget talking to him, I'll just knock his brains out if I catch him with Hermione. Or even staring at her. Or even thinking about her. The git.

Anyway, lately Hermione's been expressing some, ahem, *physical* desires toward me. Of course I freaked out, being the virgin that I am. I had to get advice from someone who had experience. I mean, really, who wouldn't want to shag Hermione? But I couldn't do it on no knowledge or experience whatsoever. I considered Malfoy, but fortunately snapped back to reality quickly. But I still had to find someone.

"Ron, who can I go to for the, um...talk?" *gasp!*

"Well...there's always Snape."

"Are you insane mate? I don't think so."

"Yeah you're right. How 'bout Malfoy?"

"What the hell is wrong with you, why do you keep suggesting all these horrid Slytherins?"

"Good point. Um, Fred or George? I heard George just shagged Fleur Delacour, and I've heard it's been a while (and several times too) that Fred shagged Angelina."

"Wow, wouldn't've thought of those two...oh well, they'll have to do." And with that I set off in search of Fred and George.

I found Fred fifteen minutes later in the Owlry. I was beginning to suspect them both again; the Weasley twins were always up to something. Anyway, I got his attention by "hem-hem"-ing as Professor Umbridge *shudder* did. And, much to my amusement, he jumped, assuming it actually was that horrible woman. Haha, what a prat.

"Harry, never do that again - ever." He looked forgiving but still shaken.

"Yeah mate. So, what's up? Want to talk business with me?"

"Well, in a way..." this was so embarrassing.

Luckily - but unluckily at the same time - for me, Draco Malfoy decided to darken the Owlry doorstep.

"God, of all the people I had to run into. A Weasel and Potty. Let me get this over with quick."

A moment of silence went by as the Weasley twin and myself watched Draco tie his letter, or whatever it was, to the leg of his eagle owl. He had to notice, naturally.

"What the fuck are you two prats/gits staring at?"

"Oh, look Fred. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."

"What are you getting at, Potter?" Malfoy had approached me now, his eagle owl having soared off. I had to admit, as much as I hated Draco, his closeness was sort of...invigorating? Arousing? I dunno.

"Well, I only see one git and/or prat in here, and he's staring me in the face."

This obviously pissed Draco off, but without empty-heads-but-heavy-fists Crabbe and Goyle there, the weakly Slytherin didn't stand a chance. Realizing this, he stormed, cursing to himself, out of the Owlery.

"So Harry, as you were saying, before you were so rudely interrupted..."

"Oh yes. Um...well, don't think I'm weird or anything okay? But...do you think you could give me a few pointers, in terms of...you know...sex?" I could see his eyebrows preparing to rise.

"No problem, Harry old boy! Meet me in the common room tonight, eleven-thirty sharp. Better yet...our dorm. I'll tell the guys what's up. I can teach a lot...everything I know anyway. Gee, George and I've passed a lot onto you. You'll be a marauder yet, Harry!" Fred joked, winked, and walked back to Gryffindor tower.

Well, that was easier than I thought it'd be. At least he didn't think I was a "loony..." git. Wow, I couldn't believe I was finally gonna get laid! Ugh, but now I feel low; wanting to get laid is Muggle stuff. Oh well, I've got Muggle in me right? Right. I had a good teacher too...I hoped. All I'd be thinking about was that night, when I'd receive...(WaNaNa!!) the TALK! *GASP!*