How Snape Stole Christmas

Every Witch and Wizard
Up in Hogwarts
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Professor Snape,
Who lived just in the coldest dungeon,
Did NOT!

Snape hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his onions were too light.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his onion,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating everyone,
Staring down from his dungeon with a sour, Snapey frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Wizard up in Hogwarts above
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath or love.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his long fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Wizard girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Wizards, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on ham, and rare Wizard-roast-beast
Which was something Snape couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Wizard and Witch in Hogwarts, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the people would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Snape thought of the Wizard-Christmas-Sing
The more Snape thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
SNAPE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Snape laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Snapey trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."
Snape looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Snape...?
No! Snape simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his student Draco. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up Draco.

Then Snape said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Through the hallways where wizards,
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the wizards were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first room in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Snapey Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could Snape.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little wizard stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Fireworks! And chocolate frogs! Books! Potions!
Chessboards! Brooms! Sweaters! And lotions!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Snape, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the kitchen. He took the house elves' feast!
He took the ham! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that kitchen as quick as a flash.
Why, that Snape even took their last bowl of potato-mash!

The he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the man, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the professor grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small being!
Little Ginny Weasley, who was not more than thirteen.

Snape had been caught by this child awake.
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of butter beer.
She stared at Snape and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old man was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little student," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my dungeon, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when little Ginny Weasley went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one thing
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To all the other Hogwarts houses!

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other wizards' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Wizards and Witches, still a-bed
All the professors, still a-snooze
When he packed up his wizardish sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Hogwarts,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"No more Christmas to you little rotten people!" he was Snape-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Wizards down in Hogwarts will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the evil man,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Snape put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Hogwarts!
Snape popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Witch and Wizard down in Hogwarts, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the professor, with his Snapish-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then Snape thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Hogwarts they say
That Snape's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Snape carved the roast beast!



The End