Bohemian Rhapsody in Court

Bohemian Rhapsody in Court

Lanni Weasley

(Exhausted from a battle with Death Eaters, HARRY pulls himself into the Hogwarts castle where people are rushing around. He tries to escape into the Gryffindor common room, but he is spotted by MCGONAGALL.)

McGonagall: Potter, boy, where are you going? Where are you going?

Harry: (freezes and tries to look innocent - no such luck) Er...to check on...uh...Ginny? You know, I wanted to see if she was doing good or not. I mean, she took a real -

McGonagall: (rolls eyes) Potter, Miss Weasley is in critical condition. You saw her get taken off the grounds to the hospital wing by a million fans.

Harry: (looks surprised - very unconvincingly) Really? How sad... (Thinks) 'There goes my bloody cover up. Damn. Now what do I say?' (Out loud to MCGONAGALL) Well, I thought she might be a bit better.

McGonagall: It's been five minutes.

Harry: Hey, a miracle can happen is less than five minutes!

(Enter HERMIONE, who is sobbing madly. The moment she sees HARRY, she attacks him with her bushy, brown hair and nearly suffocates him. Finally, she lets go of him so he can breathe. He gasps for breath. She continues to sob.)

Harry: Herm, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Why are you trying to kill me with your hair? Are you a Death Eater?! (takes a step away from her)

Hermione: Oh, Harry, it's absolutely awful!

Harry: Er...what is it?

Hermione: It's terrible!

Harry: Wow, sounds...absolutely awful and terrible. What is it?

Hermione: It's so bad that I'm going to continue to say nothing about it!

Harry: Must be pretty bad then. I guess I can wait until you've dried up.

(Twenty minutes later, HERMIONE stops crying after drying up. She sniffs.)

Hermione: Okay, I'm ready to tell you now, even though he's probably got executed by now.

Harry: Brilliant. What is it now, dear, Herm?

Hermione: Fudging Fudge pranced his poncy arse to Hogwarts and arrested my Ronnie for murder! (HARRY stares back blankly) Fudge is going to send Ron to Azkaban for killing a Death Eater!!!!

Harry: That really sucks. (thinks and then looks scared) But I killed twenty Death Eaters out there a few minutes ago! How come I haven't been arrested yet? And what about you?

Hermione: (shrugs her shoulders) Well, you're the Boy Who Lived, and I'm a genius, you idiot.

Harry: Oh, yeah, duh, I forgot about that.

McGonagall: (shakes head and walks away) I told Lily not to stand by the microwave when she was pregnant with him. I just knew it would do damage to the boy's brain!

(Enter DRACO MALFOY, spoiled brat extraordinaire. He skips up to them very merrily.)

Draco: Heard the news, Potter. I had to come down to see you.

Harry: Hey, those black robes look spiffing! Where'd you get them?

Draco: (tugs on robes proudly) www.SupportVoldie.org. It's an awesome site. You should go there some time, Pothead. (sneers stupidly at HERMIONE) I wouldn't suggest you to go there any time soon, Granger.

Hermione: I'm just plain surprised that you know how to get online with the brain capacity you have.

Draco: Ah, shut up, Granger; you're just jealous of me and my spiffing robes. Look now; Potter's even drooling over them!

(Random Girl runs up to them and waves flag around.)

Random Girl: Squee! H/D rocks! Guns n' Handcuffs!

Hermione: Oh, dear...not again. (points wand at Random Girl) I'm really sorry about this, but... (says magical spell and Random Girl disappears) Thank goodness.

(Enter DUMBLEDORE, who is looking grave, indeed. DRACO bounces away.)

Dumbledore: Well, Harry, chap, we should get going to Ron's hearing. After all, you might want to see him one last time before he - I mean - before he gets Scot free, of course.

Harry: Sounds nifty.

Hermione: Harry...did a Death Eater hit you over the head with a very hard object?

Dumbledore: Don't worry about it, Miss Granger; it's just those radioactive waves that he was subjected to by a microwave before he was born.

Harry: (stops picking nose) What did you say?

Dumbledore: See what I mean?

Hermione: Oh, I understand now. That's why he keeps thinking that Ginny is stalking him and Malfoy is secretly in love with him.

(DRACO reappears quite quickly.)

Draco: What about me and my love of Pot - er...pot?

Hermione: I knew it! You're a pot-smoker, Malfoy! That's why all your comments aren't witty at all! That's why you're so neurotic about your hair!

(Enter GINNY in a wheelchair and full body cast - and an eye patch.)

Ginny: That's why he's so damn hott! Burn, baby, burn!

Draco: I know. Now, where's my leather chaps when I need them...? (DRACO leaves to go find his leather chaps.)

Harry: (stops making a sand castle out of dirt, which would, technically, make it a dirt castle, but who cares) Ginny, you're out of critical condition!

Ginny: Oh, no, I'm still in critical condition, Harry.

Harry: (very confused) What? I don't understand. You're up and moving!

Ginny: Can you even see this full body cast?

Harry: .... Is it white? I think I see a little white.

Hermione: Don't worry, Ginny; it's just the radioactive brainwaves he received from a microwave before he was born.

Ginny: Hermione, what the hell is a microwave?

Hermione: Oh, forget it. You pureblood wizards and witches are absolute hopeless! And you say Muggles are narrow-minded.

(Enter MALFADA HOPKIRK, who serves no purpose to this story.)

Hopkirk: I need to see a - (looks at notepad) - Harry Potter. Is there a Harry Potter in the room? I really need glasses...

Harry: Oh! Oh! I'm Harry Potter! Do you think I'm the Harry Potter you want?

Hopkirk: Er, sure laddie. (pats HARRY on the head; HARRY is extremely excited and is now bouncing on his feet) And I need a Hermione Granger, too.

Hermione: That would be me, ma'am.

Hopkirk: Dear, you're awfully looking green around the gills. Are you sure you're feeling alright to come?

Hermione: Um, ma'am. I'm behind you. You're talking to a potted plant.

Hopkirk: (spins around and spots HERMIONE) Oh, there you are dear! Wow, now you're looking a little dry there. Need a watering, honey?

Hermione: I tried that already. It doesn't work.

Hopkirk: Ah, I see, well, you have been subpoenaed to be a witness in Ronald Weasley's defense. His entire bloody red-haired family is already there, except Ginevra Weasley but we don't care about her right now.

Ginny: Hey, I heard that! I am offended!

Hopkirk: We're very pleased to hear that. Now, if you'll excuse us, we must get to that hearing. Just Apparate with me.

(HOPKIRK and HARRY try to Apparate to the Ministry of Magic, but they don't go anywhere and when they open their eyes, they're in the same spots.)

Hermione: (rolls eyes) How many times have I told you, Harry? You can't Apparate inside of Hogwarts, you nit!

Harry: Oh, right. Let's go the old fashion way. (Whistles and three brooms come along)

Hermione: (gasps) But Harry, I'm afraid of heights and flying!

Harry: Don't worry, Hermione; I'll help you "conquer your fears of flight". (One broom disappears. HARRY looks back at script and thinks) 'What kind of crappy line is that?'

(Another Different Random Girl appears out of nowhere and waves flag, giggling very annoyingly.)

Another Random Girl: Oh my gosh! H/Hr is so adorable! I just love Pumpkin Pie!

Harry: Ooh, me too! Of course, cherry pie is so damn good, too...

Hermione: Good grief. (points wand at Another Random Girl, says another spell, and makes her disappear) I just don't know where they come from. (shakes head) We should get going now. Ron could have his head partially chopped off now!

Harry: I can't have a headless sidekick! Let's go!

(The three of them get on the brooms since that one came back and fly in the freezing cold to the Ministry of Magic for Ron's hearing. Everyone is there; it's the talk of the century. A Weasley might go to Azkaban for once! A redhead went bad! Fudge is not a very good piece of chocolate!)

Harry: Hey, I didn't have this many people attend my hearing.

Hermione: Oh, Harry, don't whine again. You can't get into caps-lock mode in such a public area.

Harry: (kicks and screams and whines like a two year-old) But why not, Herm?

Hermione: Bad manners. Now, where's Ron?

Dumbledore: No effing clue.

Harry: (clearly amazed) How did you get here?!

Dumbledore: You don't want to know.

Harry: (confused) I don't? Honestly, I thought I really did want to know.

Dumbledore: No, you don't want to know.

Harry: Oh...why don't I want to know?

Dumbledore: You don't want to know that either.

Harry: Really? This is so confusing. I thought I wanted to know why I don't want to know about how you got here! This hurts my head. Why does my head hurt, Herm?

Hermione: It's called "thinking", Harry.

Harry: (holding head and groans in pain) Oh, I don't like thinking.

Hermione: (snorts) Yes that was pretty obvious the last six years I've known you.

Harry: (stops thinking) What are we doing here again?

Hermione: Ron's on trial for murder! Look; there are the other Weasleys, minus Ginny who is not important right now. Let's go over there with them.

Harry: What about Dumbledore and that loopy Hopkirk lady? Where'd they go?

(Enter MUNDUGUS FLETCHER for no apparent reason and walks over to HARRY and HERMIONE in a very secretive and suspicious manner.)

Dung: (whispers) Sh! Dumbledore - Hopkirk - closet - don't say I told you - later much.

(DUNG a.k.a. MUNDUGUS leaves the building. HARRY, being very confused, scratches his head. HERMIONE looks disgusted. She drags him over to the WEASLEYS. MRS. WEASLEY is bawling her eyes out; MR. WEASLEY looks angry; BILL looks cool; CHARLIE looks hot; FRED and GEORGE look irritated; and GINNY is not there, since she's not important right now.)

Harry: What are you crying about, Mrs. Weasley? Suck it up! I've been through so much more than all of ya'll and you get mad at me when I get depressed?

(MRS. WEASLEY cries even more. HERMIONE pats MRS. WEASLEY on the arm and laughs very nervously. She glares at HARRY, who is trying to catch a fly with his bare hand now.)

Hermione: Hehe, someone forgot to take their medicine this morning.

Harry: (not looking at her) Been clean out for weeks now.

Hermione: Oh, that explains a lot now... Short attention spans, breakfast oatmeal facials in the Great Hall every morning, trying to talk Snape into wearing a pink tutu...

Harry: (looking confident) Well, I, for one, believe that pink is his color - and I just know that he'd do great at ballet since his robes billow so much!

Bill: What do robes billowing have to do with being great at ballet?

Harry: (shrugs his shoulders) I dunno; it just does. How am I supposed to know?

Charlie: Hey, I think I see Ron! He's so tall now...

Mrs. Weasley: My Ronnie's all grown up and now he's going to get thrown into Azkaban for trying to protect Hermione!

Hermione: (looks dreamy) It was so romantic, too! The music in the background, the dramatic look and fight, our last kiss... (looks disgruntled) Now I'll have to do the next one with ADHD Harry over here. And he'll probably land up getting himself blown up from the way things look...with his own wand. (huffs)

Harry: (looks around) Did someone say my name?

Hermione: No...

Harry: I think I need hearing aids then.

Hermione: I just think you need a new brain.

Charlie: And maybe some contacts. Honestly, Harry, have you ever considered wearing contacts? You'll get more chicks that way.

Harry: (horrified) But I hate chickens! They're evil and in league with Voldemort!

Fred: (raises an eyebrow) Evil chickens?

George: (with equally raised eyebrow) And they're in league with You-Know-Who?

Harry: I-Know-Who?

George: I don't know who you know.

Harry: Who do I know then?

Fred: I don't know. Shouldn't you know who you know?

Harry: No...?

Hermione: (shakes her head) Oh, great... (Looks up and spots the idiot Minister of Magic standing up. She begins to jump up and down and point at him.) Look, there's Chocolate Fu- er... Cornelius Fudge!

Pudgy Fudgy: Alright, chill, ya'll pickles! The hearing of Ronald Billius Weasley is about to begin! Are all Weasleys present, except Ginevra Weasley, who is not important to the plotline at the moment?

All Weasleys Who Are Important to the Plotless Plotline At the Moment: All here!

Pudgy Fudgy: Good, good. Come up here then.

(All of the WEASLEYS, HERMIONE, and HARRY walk up to the front of the hearing. From there, they see that DUMBLEDORE, HOPKIRK, LUPIN, MOODY, and TONKS also in the front row. At least they thought [and hoped] that the woman sitting in LUPIN's lap was TONKS. In the middle of everything and in front of them all, sat poor [but hot] RON in the middle of the room, chained to the chair. Tons of fan girls sat on the edge of their seats, almost drooling at their mouths. RON looked more nervous about them rather than the actual hearing itself. Perhaps they'd just sick them on him.)

Pudgy Fudgy: Let's get cracking, shall we? You used the Killing Curse for some unknown reason and murdered a poor, innocent, murderous Death Eater. We have witnesses and we don't intend to listen to any of yours. Have any last words, youngest boy Weasley?

Ron: Er...yeah, but these chains, you know...are kind of...um...restricting.

Pudgy Fudgy: Ah, why not. Let him loose, boys.

(McNair and Lucius Malfoy unchain him. RON stands up and stretches. He glances at the two known Death Eaters uneasily.)

Ron: Erm...I'd say thanks, but considering the fact that we're all enemies and that would be real strange...

Lucius: Understood, Weasley.

McNair: I don't like killing animals anymore, Weasley.

Ron: (nods head) Perfectly understandable there. (looks around) Where's Percy?

(Enter PERCY, who is unusually late. He looks like a mess.)

Percy: (fixing his tie and matting down his red hair) I'm really sorry about this; I got a little - er - carried away with - uh - work.

Harry: Working you hard?

Percy: Um...you could say that.

Pudgy Fudgy: (looking annoyed) Get a move on, Weasley.

Mr. Weasley: Excuse me?

Bill: (looking amazingly cool - all the girls swoon) It's Weasley, Bill Weasley.

Charlie: (looking cute) Yes? (All the girls scream and faint) I made them faint. Hehe.

Fred and George: Say what?

Mrs. Weasley: Well now! (huffs) You don't have to be so rude!

Percy: I am getting a move on, sir! Real fast! (runs to his side and mats down his hair some more) Sorry about that, Ron. But you know...

Ron: Of course.

Pudgy Fudgy: Ronald Weasley!

Ron: Oh, yes, sorry, ma'am - SIR! (He blushes and then clears throat. Everyone watches his with great anticipation. Music suddenly starts coming out from somewhere. The lights dim. There are many "ooh"s.)

"Is this the real life, is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality..."

(A spotlight suddenly comes upon RON, who raises his head up.)

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see.
I'm just a poor boy; I need no sympathy.
Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low.
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me
...to me..."

(RON starts walking towards MRS. WEASLEY and HERMIONE, both of whom are sobbing. HARRY has fallen asleep on some random old man. BILL looks impressed; RON might be a tad bit cool after all. So he didn't fail. CHARLIE is grinning; RON had paid attention to those lessons he'd given him. FRED and GEORGE look confused for once. ARTHUR is bobbing his head to the music; he likes this Muggle song.)

"Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.
Mama ooh...Didn't mean to make you cry.
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters..."

Hermione: (blows into handkerchief) Oh, Ron! You matter to me! I can never carry on without you!

Mrs. Weasley: No, Ron! You're still my wonderful son! It's alright, son!

(But RON closes his eyes, bows his head, and shakes his head as he begins to back away from them slowly. MRS. WEASLEY and HERMIONE continue to bawl.)

Ron: (continues singing)

"Too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go.
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth..."

(RON looks directly at his family and begins to sway a bit. Everyone is seemingly mesmerized by this act.)

"Mama ooh (any way the wind blows)
I don't want to die; I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"

(He suddenly drops to his knees as the music gets louder; HERMIONE shouts his name, and MRS. WEASLEY wails very loudly. RON jumps to his feet and begins to dance as the music picks up. HARRY has woken up and is now dancing along with everyone else while most of the women [even TONKS - well, we hope that the woman dancing with LUPIN is TONKS] are crying or dancing or doing both at the same time.)

"I see a little silhouette of a man
Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me
Galileo (Galileo)
Galileo (Galileo)
Galileo Figaro (Magnifico!)"

(All of the fan girls shriek as RON hits that high note and drops. Most of them faint or fall to the ground. He runs and jumps, landing on a rug, and slides over to FUDGE quite awesomely.)

Ron: (still singing) "But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me."

Harry: (chiming in - with a very bad, squeaky singing voice)

"He's just a poor boy from a poor family,

Spare him his life from this monstrosity!!"

Ron: (leaning against the railing toward FUDGE) "Easy come; easy go, will you let me go?"

Pudgy Fudgy: (coming in to sing with an awful voice that is dumb-sounding) "Bismillah! No, we will not let you go!"

Hermione: (still crying and practically screaming) "Let him go!"

All the Mean, Evil People: "Bismillah! No, we will not let you go!"

Mrs. Weasley: (crying and somehow looking viciously terrifying at the same time) "Let him go!"

Pudgy Fudgy and All the Mean, Evil People: "Bismillah! No, we will not let you go!"

Ron: (drops onto his knees and begins to almost plead) "Let me go!"

Voldemort: "Will not let you go!" (He cackles madly to himself. How he got here and why no one is trying to kill him or run away, no one knows either.)

Ron: (still on knees) "Let me go!"

Draco: (laughing) Will not let you go! (HERMIONE growls at him. He screams as she begins to chase him around the room. Who knows how he got here.)

Ron: "Let me go!"

Every Evil, Stupid Person in the World: "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

Ron: (jumps to his feet)

"Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!!"

(All the girls that haven't fainted yet scream very loudly and then promptly faint. BILL is now very impressed; that was quite the high note. CHARLIE claps his hands. HERMIONE stops furiously chasing DRACO [and making Third Random Girl, who was screaming something about Leather and Libraries, disappear] and shrieked fanatically for RON.)

"So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye.
So you think you can love me and leave me to die.

(RON began to walk towards HERMIONE, who had frozen in her steps and was now gazing at him with all the admiration she had in her.)

"Oh baby, can't do this to me baby.
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here."

Hermione: (sniffs and wipes a tear out of her brown eyes- very softly) Oh, Ron...

(RON glances at the door and then begins to back up. As the music begins to slow down [and the girls begin to wake up again], Ron stops in the middle of the room.)

Ron: (looks down and then slowly goes down to his knees)

"Nothing really matters; anyone can see...
Nothing really matters; nothing really matters to me...
Any way the wind blows...."

(The lights come back on. Many people are applauding very loudly. HERMIONE has huge tears in her eyes and tries to wipe them away. HARRY is jumping up and down, whistling his head off. PERCY is clapping. FUDGE gives him a dirty look; PERCY just laughs and shoves FUDGE over the railing.)

Percy: All in favor of letting my dear, amazing, little brother off the hook raise your hand!

(Obviously, everyone except VOLDEMORT, LUCIUS, MCNAIR, DRACO, and FUDGE [who is lying flat on his face at the moment], raise their hands - and RON is let off the hook. All the girls scream and try to attack him. However, with his amazing Quidditch reflexes, RON jumps over the railing and scoops HERMIONE up in his strong arms and kisses her on the lips. The Last Random Girl pops up and takes a picture.)

The Last Random Girl: (cheering and dancing) Booya! R/Hr is the bomb! The Good Ship, baby!

Hermione: (giggling) Get out of here.

Ron: Been working at that for months.

Harry: (dancing around) That's all, folks!

Finis