All My Malfoys

Chapter Four

Cho Chang and the Mini Malfoys

Act VIII: Eight Months and Thirty Days Later...

Cho Chang was walking in the corridors of Hogwarts still. Even though her waist line had expanded farther than we dreamed of and she was supposedly graduated from Hogwarts, she was still wandering the hallways at night. Apparently, she had been held back a year because of her poor grades and her incessant and annoying rambling about make up and Harry Potter.

What?! I was in Ravenclaw! How can I be stupid enough to get held back a year? Cho thought, outraged (because I said so and this is half my fic). Oh, no, it's you again.

Anyways, it was very late at night and the corridors of Hogwarts were rather creepy and ominous, barely lit with little torches. But Chang didn't care. All she cared about was food. She was trying to find the entrance to the kitchen, but had gotten herself lost. She just couldn't take it any longer. She was literally craving for some macaroni sprinkled with mushrooms and Twinkies.

That's disgusting! And I'm on the Atkins Diet, I can't eat Twinkies or macaroni and I hate mushrooms! Cho thought again furiously (I see that the diet's not working for you then). This is outlandish! I've been tricked into thinking we had a better author!

As I was saying before I was verbally assaulted by a cranky, macaroni topped with mushrooms and Twinkies craving pregnant woman, Chang was trying to find the entrance to the kitchen. Suddenly, she ran into none other than Ron Weasley, who was accompanied by Harry Potter. Luckily, Hermione Granger was not with them or she would have likely died of an overdose of unneeded information that her peanut brain could not handle.

"What are you doing out here this late at night, Weasley?" Chang snapped irritably.

"If you weren't twice the size of Hermione, I'd say you were her twin for being so snappish," Ron merely commented, ignoring her question like the blunt--but cute--boy he is. Chang glared at him angrily and then looked at them skeptically. What was their excuse for being out of bed at this hour?

"Where are you two going?" Chang demanded grumpily.

"We're heading to the kitchen so I can stuff myself with food until I become sick so I'll get sent to the Hospital Wing and Ginny will come to me saying that she never loved Draco Malfoy, but me instead and that she'll leave him for me if I don't die on her and save the world," Harry explained while blowing his nose in a huge handkerchief Hermione knitted for him. This brightened her day up.

"Oh, I'll follow you then," Chang replied cheerfully, but then she glared at them, "so you better hurry up and go there now before I eat you two." Harry was too busy blowing his nose and Ron had gotten lost when she had said "follow you". He scratched his head.

"I'm not so sure you should go to the kitchen with us, Chang," Ron told her calmly. "Harry and I are lanky and skinny boys so stuffing ourselves don't affect us, but you... Er, I think you should seriously lie off of the Twinkies, Chang, and go on a diet."

"What?! I don't eat Twinkies and I'm already on a diet!" Chang exclaimed furiously, outraged with him. He thought she might explode on him and widened his eyes. "I don't eat Twinkies!" (Yes, you do. Ron, she's lying to you!)

"Perhaps you eat Ho-Ho's then," Ron said coolly, shrugging his shoulders. "I hear those are tasty."

Chang was even more furious with this statement. As if she ate that common Muggle food they called Ho-Ho's--which were quite tasty, but not as good as Twinkies that she craved for at the moment.

"Weasley, if you don't take me to the kitchen right now, I'll glomp you whole!!!" Chang screamed, not caring if someone saw them or heard her (no, I'm glomping him first). She grabbed him by the collar and jerked him forward, her nostrils flaring so much that they looked like two huge black holes.

"Dude, you have a lot of huge bats in those two caves of yours, Chang!" Ron exclaimed fearfully with wide eyes. He was beginning to think that you didn't need Ginny's Bat Bogey Hex to be attacked by this girl's terrifying, vicious, green boogers.

Are you trying to make me hurl! I've never had huge boogers in my life! I clean my nose out every day like routine! Cho shouted in her mind (sickening, and you say I'm the sick-minded one...). This is so not very cool or funny at all! This is the worst soap opera ever!

"WEASLEY, TAKE ME TO YOUR KITCHEN!!!!!!!" Chang shrieked at the top of her lungs. Now she was sure that she had awoken the entire school of Hogwarts at that moment.

~*~

A random lady in bed with her beagle/lab dog--whose name shall be disclosed for the safety of the dog and owner--jumped out of bed when they heard someone scream, "WEASLEY, TAKE ME TO YOUR KITCHEN!!!!!!!!"

The dog began barking and scared the crap out of the girl, who was innocently sitting on a computer chair, typing ... something. She fell out of her chair from being startled so badly while the lady, who had once been in bed, grabbed a shotgun and ran outside yelling, "Who dere? Who dere?!"

~*~

(Ahem, don't know where that came from and I wonder who those people were...) Anyways, back to the story, Ron almost peed in his pants and finally found out that there was something he was scared of more than spiders: A very pleasantly plump Cho Chang, who was the size of a hippogriff. He nodded his head quickly and took her to the kitchen.

It turned out to be quite the long journey. They walked out of Hogwarts and onto the grounds. They walked out of the gates and away from Hogwarts. They continued to travel over very rough terrain and through the night where they heard constant howls.

Of course, Ron felt quite safe since he had the Great Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, walking with him. He failed to notice that Harry was sobbing into his Weasley sweater that had a giant "H" and wet spots on it. Chang seemed rather frightened.

Finally, after what seemed like many hours, they arrived on someone's doorstep and Ron opened the door. He walked inside and let Harry and Chang in. They walked through a room that was crammed with many moving things, but all she could care about was food. It was all she could think about : Food, food, and more food--especially mushroom and Twinkie sprinkled macaroni.

That is so not what I'm thinking right now! Look; it's not even italicized so I can't be thinking that, you dumb idiot! Cho thought furiously again (sticky glue, back to you; this is my half fanfic so get used to it already). I'm suing you after this is all done. (You're a fictional character; you can't sue me.) Fine, I'll get J.K. Rowling to sue you! Ha, I got you there!

(I'd like to see you talk to J.K. Rowling when you're not a real person.) Like I was saying, the three students meandered into a seemingly nice little room with tiled floor and--was that?--a thingy that held food!?

Chang sprang into action and shoved Ron and Harry out of the way. Harry fell to the floor and began to whine and cry even louder. Ron rubbed his head and stood up, glaring at her as he watched her beginning to make macaroni with Twinkies and mushrooms.

Even that was too disgusting for him to eat or even watch someone eat. So, he buried his head in the thingy that held food to get some ice cream. He handed Harry a few spicy hot wings. He ate a few of them in between his sobs. Then, he realized that they were too spicy for him.

"Oo, oo, hot, hot, hot!" Harry exclaimed, waving his hand at his mouth and dancing around the kitchen like a wild man. Chang, assuming that Harry was singing and dancing, got up and began following him around the kitchen and dancing while continuing to eat her craved food.

"Feeling hot, hot, hot!" Chang sang with her mouth full, spraying macaroni mushrooms all over the once clean place. Ron merely watched them dance around the table--and around him--while he continued to eat the ice cream out of the bucket. Soon, she got tired at sat back down.

After her tenth bowl, she looked around the room and noticed something. "Hey, where are we? This doesn't look like the kitchen in Hogwarts at all. Where are all the pitiful house-elves to boss around? Oh, and that doesn't include you, Weasley," she demanded, irritated and glaring at Ron through slits. He squinted at her, trying to see the whites of her eyes.

"Well, I took you to my kitchen, just like you asked me to do," Ron told her resignedly, shrugging his shoulders carelessly. Harry grabbed a bottle of hot sauce, believing it to be cream soda because his glasses were fogged up from crying and the steam that came out of his ears, and poured it down his throat. He began to turn red and dance around even more. They ignored him completely. "Why, you're not going to glomp me, are you?"

"You took me to your house??!!" Chang shrieked shrilly. "I just wanted to go to the bloody kitchen at Hogwarts!!"

"Hey, don't take this out on me! You told me to take you to my kitchen--my kitchen! It's not fault that you said the wrong word!" Ron retorted moodily. He was never a morning person or a three in the morning I've-Just-Traveled-Hundreds-Of-Miles-With-A-Whiner-And-A-Very-Cranky-And-Pregnant-Woman person either. However, he still remained to be the good-looking guy with that wonderful messy, red hair and great blue eyes.

Hey, I see what you're doing! How come Ron Weasley's getting all of the glory and not me? Cho questioned in her mind irately. I'm the beautiful and smart one!

You're also the pregnant, cranky, and psychotic sobbing monkey, Ron thought thoughtfully as a great afterthought to Cho's thoughts (well said). Plus, I'm the Awesome, Chess Playing, Keeper Ron Weasley, the most devilishly hottest guy of them all.

(You are sooo right, Ron!) Anyways, after eating more than they could handle, they Apparated back to the gates of Hogwarts, Ron wondering why they hadn't Apparated in the first place, but then remembered that Harry had been crying too hard to Apparate at the time. Now, he was too busy doing some type of strange dance to be crying. They walked back to Hogwarts and separated until next time... (dun, dun, dun!)

[Velocity37 wrote this down below]

ACT IX: One Day Later...

Chang stared lovingly down at her litter of kids. "Aren't they beautiful Lucius?" she sighed happily, very tired and exhausted. There were two boys and one girl. Lucius grunted and went back to admiring himself in the mirror.

"What are we going to name our children, darling?" Chang cooed.

"I don't care what you name them," Lucius snapped, agitated. "You can name them Mo, Larry and Curly for all I care."

"Fine, I'll name them Ron, Hermione and Harry!" Chang spat spitefully. The children didn't dare cry when they looked up at Lucius. His wiggling eyebrows were scaring them.

"You will do no such thing!" Lucius shrieked with disgust. "Draco will name them. He's the father, remember??"

"Oh, yeah, okay," Chang murmured, feeling disappointed.

~*~

Fast forward two weeks to Ginny's birthday party...

Everyone was standing around looking at each other without much to say. Nobody really wanted to be there. The families just glared at each other from across the room. Harry cried on the present he bought her and ruined the wrapping paper. Ron was his usual grumpy self. Narcissa was crying in the bathroom. Molly and Arthur tried to be happy since it was their daughter's birthday.

"Um, nice decorations--at least they aren't black this time," Arthur said gruffly, looking around the place.

"Thanks," Draco said back.

It was silent again and Draco spoke up, "Why don't you open your presents, Ginny darling."

"Of course, sweetie." Ginny beamed at them all. She walked over to the pile of gifts and took the first one. It was dripping wet.

"Oh, sorry, that's mine," Harry sniffed. "Those are my tears of pain."

"Um, okay," Ginny said uneasily and put it to the side. "I'm going to let this dry out before I open it."

She picked up an oddly shaped gift and began to rip it open. "A frying pan--just what I've always wanted, Ron," Ginny said, looking up at her tall brother.

"What does she need that for?" Draco replied arrogantly." She doesn't have to cook."

"It's not for cooking--it's to wop you upside the head to keep you in line," Ron said snidely, scowling at him.

"Why you..." Draco lunged for him until he saw Ginny's disapproving look. She glared at Ron.

"That won't be necessary, but thank you anyway," she said coolly. Ginny grabbed the next gift. It was from Draco. She tore it open to find a picture of himself in a golden picture frame. "Thanks, honey," she muttered hesitantly.

"It's the best gift I could give you--so you can look at me and admire me when I'm not around," Draco said proudly.

"I thought it was to keep the mice away," Ron chirped sarcastically.

They exchanged mean looks when Ginny interrupted, "Let's all get along. We are one big happy family now." Everyone groaned and Harry wailed from the corner. Just then, Lucius burst through the door with his evil sneer.

(Happy now? I have you sneering again.) Yes, I am very happy, thank you.

He looked around the room and his sneer broadened. "Oh, splendid, the gang is all here. I have some great news," Lucius exclaimed quite cheerfully. He waved his hand and Chang came in with her three bright blonde children. "Cho is a mother and ... YOU are the father!"

He pointed his finger at Draco and everyone gasped! Even the house elves gasped. There was complete silence. You could hear a wand drop. Arthur bent down to pick it back up. Ginny put her hand to her mouth. She was shocked. Ron was utterly speechless.

Draco's face turned whiter than his hair. "This--this can't be!" he sputtered.

"Don't you remember, Draco?" Lucius prodded. "It was after your bachelor party and you drank all those Firewhiskys?"

"No, I don't remember." Draco mumbled, confused. (Let's face it. Cho is easy to forget.)

I resent that remark! Cho thought angrily.

"Well, I remember. This is what we created," Chang drawled coyly, waving her arms at the three little blonde haired, pointed faced, grey eyed children.

"How could you?" Ginny screeched in a shrill voice.

SLAP!! The slap was so loud it was heard around the world. Random people who don't matter to this story jumped when they heard it.

For the first time, Harry was happy. He started dancing around the room. "She's mine again! All mine! I can finally quit being bitter!" Harry cheered gleefully. Everyone was glowering at Draco.

"I knew it!" Ron hissed. "I knew you would hurt my baby sister!"

The Weasley's were speechless. Arthur whispered to Molly, "Does this mean we can take the gifts back?" She nudged him in the side and gave him a reproving glance.

Ginny had tears running down her cheeks. Harry pushed Draco out of the way and put a comforting arm around her. "Ginny, you can cry on my shoulder anytime. I'm always here for you," Harry told her soothingly. He shot Draco a withering glance. Everyone started talking amongst themselves when Draco stood in front of the room.

"I can prove I didn't cheat on Ginny!" he hollered. Everyone stopped talking and turned to him.

"Prove it!" Ron yelled furiously.

"That's not necessary," Harry said quickly. "He's a cheating nark. Let's leave it at that."

"I will prove it!" Draco paused to get everyone's attention. "I would never kiss the lips that snogged Potter!"

There was silence. Then everyone started nodding their heads, saying, "That's true. He wouldn't do that."

Draco looked satisfied with himself and he ran over to Ginny. "I would never hurt you like that, darling--ever!" he pleaded.

Ginny smiled through her tears. "I knew it," she said happily. "You could never hurt me." They kissed.

Harry looked mortified. He fell to his knees, put his hands in the air, looked up to the sky and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

His voice echoed through the country. Birds flew from trees in the forbidden forest. People were startled and looked up from their fields. Everyone in the room held their ears as all the windows shattered.

Hermione was perplexed. She scratched her head. "Something just doesn't add up!" she declared, whipping out a book and flipping through its pages. "If Malfoy isn't the father, then who is?"

They all looked at each other and their gazes rested upon Lucius. He stared at everyone and started to sweat nervously. The tension was getting to him. Dobby appeared with buckets and sat them around Lucius.

"Master needs buckets. Master is sweating profusely," Dobby pointed out calmly. "Master is also smelly. Perhaps Master needs a stronger deodorant."

Beads of sweat were rolling down Lucius's face. Everyone continued to move closer to him with their angry stares.

"Okay, okay, I admit it!" Lucius cried out. "It's me! I'm the father of those kids!"

Again, everyone gasped. Narcissa ran over to him and slapped him across the face. "How could you? When I asked you why you were spending time with her, you said you were playing checkers." Something finally dawned on her. "I should have known you were lying. You hate checkers!"

"You should have told her you were playing chess!" Ron said irritably. "Checkers is for idiots. Chess is much better. Of course, you are an idiot. Chang, really?!"

Lucius rubbed the red handprint on his face. "Don't you see? I had to do it. I couldn't have my son stay married to that... girl!"

"You're right!" Ron quipped. "She's too good for him!"

Just then, Voldemort Apparated into the room for no apparent reason. A few people jumped because he was the dark Overlord at the moment. "What's going on here?" he demanded.

"Oh, not much. It's Ginny's birthday party, Harry is crying again and Lucius had Chang's kids and tried to pass them off as Draco's," Ron said passively.

Voldemort looked over at Lucius. "Is this true?" he asked calmly, looking at him through the red slits we like to call eyes. Lucius lowered his head and nodded. "Well, then, there are a few things we have to take care of," Voldemort said sternly. (dun, dun, dun!)