Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix - The Return of the Toilet

Harry saw the bushy hair in his face and began to cough violently. The hair was suffocating him! Darn Hermione and her wild hair, he thought.

Then, he distinctly heard the sounds calling him into the next world...

Let him breathe, Hermione...

It was amazing. He could breathe again! He clutched his heart and thanked the one person he could think of who would want him to be alive right about now... Yes, he thanked Lord Voldemort, who everyone knows would be furious if he'd found out that someone else had the honor of killing him.

Hermione still had not let go of him. In fact, she was clutching him around the middle so hard that Harry thought it was only a matter of time before his dinner was no longer in his stomach.

"Hermione, let him go. He doesn't look so good..." Ron said, noticing Harry's facial expression.

Hermione reluctantly did so. She was looking up at him in a most unusual fashion.

Ron did not seem to notice this, so, Harry pretended that he did not either.

Their whole chat went just the way it did in the book, as did dinner, etc. It was all relatively normal (as normal as this could have ever been) until Harry, in bed and trying to sleep but failing, decided it was time to use the little wizards' room.

He scurried into the bathroom, which was covered in potpourri and spider webs. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. He took one look at the toilet seat and thought better of using the bathroom.

It was terribly disgusting... However disgusting and dirty this toilet seat looked, he could not spare another moment. He had to go! And it might as well be now, dammit!

A few minutes later, the toilet flushed, sucking down with it spiders, spider webs, a doxy, and whatever Harry himself had put in there.

He was washing his hands, arms, etc. from the... traumatic excursion when he heard a small knock o the door.

"Just a minute!" he called, continuing to scrub his arms. He picked up the soap again.

Now, several things happened at once.

The soap slid out of Harry's already soapy hands. His pants, which had not been properly zipped due to the fact that he did not want to contaminate them, slipped down to his ankles, revealing his Garfield boxers. He bent down to pick up the soap, and, on the way up, hit his head on the counter, causing a knife to fall from the vanity counter and slash his arm. He cried out in pain, dropped the soap, stood up to clean the soap and blood off his arm, but tripped on the soap bar letting out another yell.

And to top it all off, the door opened.

To reveal Hermione Granger wearing violet bathrobe with pink bunny slippers on her small feet and an expression of shock.

"Harry! Are you all right?" she asked, crouching beside him. "I heard some loud noises and I thought I'd better see if you were all right...Oh dear!"

He was a sight. His right arm was soapy and blood was dripping from his cut. His pants wear down by his ankles and his Garfield boxes had blood splattered on them.

Hermione picked up the knife and soap and set them on the counter. She got a washcloth out of the drawer and wet it. She began to clean him up. After she had gotten the soap off of him she began to attend his wound.

"Harry, what are we going to do with you? Can't even let you go into the bathroom without someone to watch you!"

Harry opened his mouth to tell her that he didn't mean for this to happen and to ask if her if she would mind shutting up when he realized that she was smiling. He closed his mouth and scowled. She quickly bandaged him up with some gauze strips.

She was surveying her handiwork when she put her hand up to her mouth.

Her body shaking shaking uncontrollably. Harry scowled even further at this and looked to see what she was looking at. She had just noticed that his pants were not properly donned and was now giggling madly. He blushed a very deep scarlet.

"You know, you should've knocked," he said grouchily. "I could've been naked in here....”

She was now up against the wall, trying not to laugh, but failing miserably.

"I'm sorry, Harry...It's just...well..."

"Well what?" he demanded.

"Well, Ginny and I always thought you were more of a brief-wearing kind of guy."

She broke out in a fit of uncontrollable and hysterically giggles. Harry scowled even more so, if that were possible.

"Oh, hardy-har-har."