Unintelligent Warfare

THE I-HAVE-NO-REAL-DIRT-ON-YOU,-SO-I'LL-JUST-INSULT-YOUR-MOTHER TACTIC:

MALFOY: Your mother's fat, Weasley!

RON: Oh YEAH? Is that so?

MALFOY: Yeah, it is!

HARRY: Well, your mother always looks like she's smelling something nasty!

RON: Yeah, Malfoy, maybe it's you!

MALFOY: I bet it's Potter's mother! She STINKS!

HERMIONE: Honestly, duh! She's been dead for over a decade! I would hope she's rotted by now... Oh, sorry, Harry.

MALFOY: Shut up, Granger! Your parents are dentists!

*ALL ATTACK*

THE DEATH EATER METHOD OF SNATCHING A PROPHECY:

L. MALFOY: Get the prophecy!

DEATH EATERS (as an entity): Whhhaaat?... KILLLLL POTTER!

L. MALFOY: No! NO! *clearly and slowly* Get the proph-

B. LESTRANGE: I AM the Dark Lord's MOST FAITHFUL servant!

L. MALFOY: Oh, just shut up and GET the PROPHECY!

DEATH EATERS: KILLLLLLLLL DERRRHHHMMM!

*get beaten up by small children*

DEATH EATERS: EERRRGGGBUDMMMUH!

L. MALFOY: Who?

*CRACK! Prophecy breaks*

WHISPERY VOICE OF PROPHECY: Sybil Trelawney here, revealing very important information, so if you just listen, you'll hear everything you ever wanted to know-

B.LESTRANGE: IT'S BROKEN! *screams loudly until prophecy is over*

*all are captured by ministry officials, accept for Bellatrix, who jumps into the arms of a very angry Lord Voldemort and apparates... she should have taken Azkaban instead*

LORD VOLDEMORT BATTLE PLAN, WHEN FACED WITH VERY POSSIBLE VICTORY:

TOM RIDDLE: And NOW, the KILLING BLOW!!!

But first, a little family history. Blah blah blah....

*Harry discovers a way to escape and takes off*

2 years later:

VOLDEMORT: Victory, finally! You shall inevitably DIE, Potter- after I let you observe a Death Eater meeting. Let me just outline, with a few very intricate details, my road to power. Blah, blah, blah...

Hours later:

VOLDEMORT: And this gentleman is Mr. Avery. I believe he was born about... ten o'clock in the morning, I seem to recall on the 8^th of January, blah, blah, blah...

Later:

VOLDEMORT: And I waited and waited for one of my faithful servants to come and revive me, blah, blah, blah

A few more hours later:

VOLDEMORT: And thus, Wormtail finally found me and, for reasons unknown, aided me in my rise to power thus: Blah, blah, blah...

*Harry finally finishes sawing through the ropes with his teeth and escapes to the Gryffindor Common Room. As Voldemort outlines his reunion with Barty Crouch, Harry attends a nice funeral service for Cedric Diggory. Later, he sleeps peacefully in the Gryffindor dorms as Voldemort comes to a grand finish (Oh yeah, and since it's Saturday, and there's no school, Severus Snape decides to come to the meeting and keep up his facade:*

VOLDEMORT: And that leaves us here, Potter, with you facing your inevitable demise- wait... WHERE IS HE?!(in a high, shrill voice).

A FEW LESS UNCONDITIONALLY ADMIRING DEATH EATERS (INCLUDING L. MALFOY): Oh, good God, not again.

MUGGLE DUELING AFTER A COMPLETELY GLORIOUS QUIDDITCH GAME:

GRYFFINDOR TEAM: YES, we WON! We are HAPPY!

MALFOY: Some completely irrational insult that you'll hear even over the cheering of the crowd and your own victory cries!

GRYFFINODR: THAT'S NOT TRUE!

MALFOY: I KNOW! Everyone knows I'm just blowing jealous steam at you!

GRYFFINDOR: KILL HIM- MUGGLE STYLE!

*BAM! SPLAT! KAPOWEE! THWUNK!*

McGONAGALL: Oh, WHY can I not be Head of Ravenclaw, where they use their BRAINS!

*every good player on the team is given detention, Malfoy goes free of charge... as long as the broken back, skull, bleeding leg, black eyes, etc. are factored out and not considered charges*

STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE WITH SNAPE:

SNAPE: HA! I just HAPPENED upon you! You must be up to something!

HERMIONE: We're not up to something! I was just... looking for... Flitwick, to ask about my test scores...

SNAPE: You passed with flying colors.

HERMIONE: You can't know that!

SNAPE: Oh yes, I can! Just like I KNOW that you set Sirius Black free, wrote with blood on the wall, stole all of my potions ingredients from my secret store, and you are now collaborating with Neville Longbottom to try and get Harry into Hogsmeade ILLEGALLY! And you did all this in the last hour!

HARRY: What? That's ridiculous!

SNAPE: Oh, yeah? Why weren't you at the feast?

RON: We weren't hungry! *stomach rumbles*

HARRY: And what's more, I fell sick, and have to go to the hospital wing!

SNAPE: Nonsense! You met here to conspire with Neville Longbottom!

HARRY: No, really! We didn't meet here; we just ...met here!

SNAPE: We'll see about that, when I get myself into possible criminal detention by dropping veritaserum illegally into your pumpkin juice and asking you questions!

HERMIONE: You can't do that! Besides, we have no secrets! We're not up to anything!

SNAPE: Really? Then what's this? Looks like dark arts to me!

LUPIN: Nope, it's not, Severus.

SNAPE: Where did you come from?

LUPIN: Who cares? The point is, that map is not dangerous. Well, even if it is, it's not Harry's fault.

MOODY *coughBartyCrouchcough*: Actually, that map is mine.

SNAPE: Oh, shut up, I've seen Potter with it already-

MOODY: DEATH EATER!

*Snape blinks*

SNAPE: I'm sorry, did you just-?

MOODY: SOME SPOTS NEVER COME OFF, SNAPE!

SNAPE: Good night.

*leaves*

KIDS: Phew, thanks.

*Malfoy pops out of no where and points a finger at them accusingly.

Moody turns him into a ferret and chucks him out the window.

Lupin seems to disapprove. He goes to help Malfoy.*

MOODY: No problem, hey, can I keep this map? I want to... keep an eye on the school...

HARRY: Sure!

*Moody leaves*

NEVILLE: I didn't have any lines in that whole thing!

*others ignore him, trying to figure out a way to get Harry into Hogsmeade illegally*