Harry Potter and the One Ring

[trumpets]

KITTYARA: The Tale of Sir Gilderoy.

     [boom]

     [wind]

     [howl]

     [howl]

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     [Elves singing]

     [howl]

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     [howl]

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     [pound pound pound]

GILDEROY: Open the door!

     Open the door!

     [pound pound pound]

     In the name of King Harry, open the door!

     [squeak]

     [thump]

     [squeak]

     [boom]

GIRLS: Hello!

ARWEN: Welcome gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Accio.

GILDEROY: The Castle Accio?

ARWEN: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

GILDEROY: You are the keepers of the One Ring?

ARWEN: The what?

GILDEROY: The Ring. It is here.

ARWEN: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Pansy! Tonks!

PANSY and TONKS: Yes, O Arwen?

ARWEN: Prepare a bed for our guest.

LUNA and TONKS: Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

ARWEN: Away, away varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

GILDEROY: Well, look, I-- I-- uh--

ARWEN: What is your name, handsome knight?

GILDEROY: Sir Gilderoy... the Vain.

ARWEN: Mine is Arwen. Just Arwen. Oh, but come.

GILDEROY: Look, please! In Gandalf's name, show me the Ring!

ARWEN: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

GILDEROY: No, look. I have seen it! It is here, in this--

ARWEN: Sir Gilderoy! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our

     hospitality.

GILDEROY: Well, I-- I-- uh--

ARWN: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

GILDEROY: No, no-- it's-- it's nothing.

ARWEN: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.

     [clap clap]

HERMIONE: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GILDEROY: They're doctors?!

ARWEN: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes.

GILDEROY: B-- but--

ARWEN: Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Hermione! Doctor Ginny! Practice your art.

GINNY: Try to relax.

GILDEROY: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

HERMIONE: We must examine you.

GILDEROY: There's nothing wrong with that!

HERMIONE: Please. We are doctors.

GILDEROY: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to vanity.

HERMIONE: Back to your bed! At once!

GILDEROY: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Ring!

HERMIONE: There's no ring here.

GILDEROY: I have seen it! I have seen it!

     [clank]

     I have seen--

GIRLS: Hello.

GILDEROY: Oh.

GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

GILDEROY: Arwen!

GALADRIEL: No, I am Arwen's identical twin sister, Galadriel.

GILDEROY: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

GALADRIEL: Where are you going?

GILDEROY: I seek the Ring! I have seen it, here in this castle!

GALADRIEL: Oh no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Arwen!

GILDEROY: Well, what is it?

GALADRIEL: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Arwen! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is ring-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

GILDEROY: It's not the real Ring?

GALADRIEL: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Arwen! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when Kittyara was writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.

DENNIS: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.

OLD MAN: Get on with it.

TOM THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!

ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it!

GALADRIEL: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.

GANDALF: Get on with it!

GALADRIEL: [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Arwen. Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Accio, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

GALADRIEL: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

MAKELL: And spank me.

OSWYN: And me.

THOR: And me.

GALADRIEL: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be spanking tonight!

GALADRIEL: And after the spanking, the oral sex.

GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!

GILDEROY: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

ARAGORN: Sir Gilderoy!

GILDEROY: Oh, hello.

ARAGORN: Quick!

GILDEROY: What?

ARAGON: Quick!

GILDEROY: Why?

ARAGORN: You are in great peril!

GALADRIEL: No he isn't.

ARAGORN: Silence, foul temptress!

GILDEROY: You know, she's got a point.

ARAGORN: Come on! We will cover your escape!

GILDEROY: Look, I'm fine!

ARAGORN: Come on!

GIRLS: Sir Gilderoy!

GILDEROY: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GALADRIEL: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

ARAGORN: No, Sir Gilderoy. Come on!

GILDEROY: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

GALADRIEL: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

ARAGORN: No. Quick! Quick!

GILDEROY: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

GALADRIEL: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

     [boom]

GALADRIEL: Oh, shit.

ARAGORN: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

GILDEROY: I don't think I was.

ARAGORN: Yes you were. You were in terrible peril.

GILDEROY: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

ARAGORN: No, it's too perilous.

GILDEROY: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

ARAGORN: No, we've got to find the One Ring. Come on!

GILDEROY: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

ARAGORN: No. It's unhealthy.

GILDEROY: I bet you're gay.

ARAGORN: No I'm not.

NARRATIVE INTERLUDE

KITTYARA: Sir Aragorn had saved Sir Gilderoy from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Ring. Meanwhile, King Harry and Sir Boromir, not more than a thestral's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen thestral's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden thestrals' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--

CROWD: Get on with it!

KITTYARA: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Harry discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any thestras, though I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!

SCENE 12

GIMLI: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...

HARRY: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Ring?

GIMLI: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...

HARRY: Where does he live?

GIMLI: ...Heh heh heh heh...

HARRY: Gimli, where does he live?

GIMLI: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a mine, a mine which no man has

     entered.

HARRY: And the Ring. The Ring is there?

GIMLI: There is much danger, for beyond the mine lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.

HARRY: But the Ring! Where is the Ring!

GIMLI: Seek you the Brandywine Bridge.

HARRY: The Brandywine Bridge, which leads to the Ring?

GIMLI: Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...

SCENE 13

[spooky music]

     [music stops]

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE OF NI: Ni!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

HARRY: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!

RANDOM: Ni!

HARRY: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: The same!

BOROMIR: Who are they?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!

RANDOM: Neee-wom!

HARRY: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!

HARRY: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Ni!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...

HARRY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

HARRY: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: We want... a mandrake!

     [dramatic chord]

HARRY: A what?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

HARRY and PARTY: Ow! Oh!

HARRY: Please, please! No more! We will find you a mandrake.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: You must return here with a mandrake or else you will never pass through this wood alive!

HARRY: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a mandrake.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: One that looks nice.

ARTHUR: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

HARRY: Yes.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Now... go!

A/N I was thinkin bout changin Ni to Snape, but Ni is such a cool word to say. C'mon. Try it. Ni! one syllabal Ni! C'mon, u can do better than that, put some feeling into it! one...two..three NI!

[trumpets]

DUMBLEDORE: Hmm hmm--

     [boom]

     Oh! Great scott! Hm. Hmm.

     [boom]

     Hm! Hmm. [mumble mumble mumble]

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     [mumble mumble mumble]

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     [mumble mumble mumble]

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     Ohh!

     [crash]

     [mumble mumble mumble]

     [boom]

SUN: Ay, up! Thsss.

     [boom]

     Ayy, up!

     [boom]

     Thsss.

     [boom]

     Ayy, up!

DUMBLEDORE: Stop that! Stop that!

     [boom]

SUN: Ay, up!

DUMBLEDORE: Stop that!

     [boom]

     Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you! Clear off!

     [sniff]

SUN: [mumble mumble mumble]

     [bells]

DUMBLEDORE: Hah. Bloody weather.

SCENE 14

KITTYARA: The Tale of Sir Aragorn.

LUCIUS: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE DRACO: What, the curtains?

LUCIUS: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

DRACO: But Mother--

LUCIUS: Father, lad. Father.

DRACO: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.

LUCIUS: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a manor on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

DRACO: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--

LUCIUS: Rather what?!

DRACO: I'd rather...

     [music]

     ...just... sing!

LUCIUS: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

DRACO: B-- but I don't want land.

LUCIUS: Listen, Alice,--

DRACO: Draco.

LUCIUS: Draco. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

DRACO: But-- but I don't like her.

LUCIUS: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land.

DRACO: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...

     [music]

     ...a certain... special... something!

LUCIUS: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Luna, so you'd better get used to the idea!

     [smack]

     Guards! Make sure Draco doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

ELLADAN: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: No, no. Until I come and get him.

ELLADAN: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

LUCIUS: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

ELLADAN: And you'll come and get him.

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: Right.

ELLADAN: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

LUCIUS: No, no. Leaving the room.

ELLADAN: Leaving the room. Yes.

     [sniff]

LUCIUS: All right?

ELLADAN: Right.

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: Right.

ELLADAN: Oh, if-- if-- if-- uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

LUCIUS: Yes? What is it?

ELLADAN: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

LUCIUS: Look, it's quite simple.

ELLADAN: Uh...

LUCIUS: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: Right.

ELLADAN: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

LUCIUS: N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here, and make sure he--

ELLADAN: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--

LUCIUS: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

ELLADAN: Until you, or anyone else--

LUCIUS: No, not anyone else. Just me.

ELLADAN: Just you.

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: Get back.

ELLADAN: Get back.

LUCIUS: All right?

ELLADAN: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

ELLADAN: What?

LUCIUS: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

ELLADAN: Draco?

LUCIUS: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

ELLADAN: Oh, yes, of course.

ELOHIR: Hic!

ELLADAN: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

LUCIUS: Is that clear?

ELOHIR: Hic!

ELOHIR: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

LUCIUS: Right. Where are you going?

ELLADAN: We're coming with you.

LUCIUS: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

ELLADAN: Oh, I see. Right.

DRACO: But Father!

LUCIUS: Shut your noise, you! And get those dress robes on!

     [music]

     And no singing!

ELOHIR: Hic!

LUCIUS: Oh, go and get a glass of water.

     [clank]

     [scribble scribble scribble fold fold]

     [twong]

SCENE 15

ARAGORN: Well taken, Elrond!

ELROND: Thank you, sir! Most kind.

ARAGORN: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Elrond!

     [thwonk]

ELROND: Message for you, sir.

     [fwump]

ARAGORN: Elrond! Elrond! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note:

     I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Manor.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the One Ring! Brave, brave Elrond, you shall not have died in vain!

ELROND: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.

ARAGORN: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

ELROND: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.

ARAGORN: Oh, I see.

ELROND: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir--

ARAGORN: No, no, sweet Elrond! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]

ELROND: Idiom, sir?

ARAGORN: Idiom!

ELROND: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.

ARAGORN: Farewell, sweet Elrond!

ELROND: I'll, um, I'll just stay here then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.

SCENE 16

[inside Manor]

PRINCESS LUNA and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]

     [outside Manor]

SNAPE: 'Morning!

HALDIR: 'Morning.

CELEBORN: Oooh.

HALDIR: [ptoo]

ARAGORN: Ha ha! Hiyya!

CELEBORN: Hey!

ARAGORN: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.

PRINCESS LUNA and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]

ARAGORN: Ha ha! Huy!

GUESTS: Uuh! Aaah!

ARAGORN: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya!

     Hiyya! Ha!...

ELLADAN: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!

ARAGORN: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Aragorn of Hogwarts. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

DRACO: You got my note!

ARAGORN: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.

DRACO: You've come to rescue me!

ARAGORN: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--

DRACO: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there...

     [music]

ARAGORN: Well, I--

DRACO: ...there must be... someone...

LUCIUS: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

DRACO: I'm your son!

LUCIUS: No, not you.

ARAGORN: Uh, I am Sir Aragorn, sir.

DRACO: He's come to rescue me, Father.

ARAGORN: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

LUCIUS: Did you kill all those guards?

ARAGORN: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.

LUCIUS: They cost fifty Galleons each!

ARAGORN: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.

DRACO: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Aragorn. I've got a rope all ready.

LUCIUS: You killed eight wedding guests in all!

ARAGORN: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

LUCIUS: I can understand that.

DRACO: Hurry, Sir Aragorn! Hurry!

LUCIUS: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!

ARAGORN: Well, I really didn't mean to...

LUCIUS: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!

ARAGORN: Oh, dear. Is he all right?

LUCIUS: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!

ARGORN: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Hogwarts, when I got this note, you see--

LUCIUS: Hogwarts? Are you from, uh, Hogwarts?

DRACO: Hurry, Sir Aragorn!

ARAGORN: Uh, I am a Knight of King Harry, sir.

LUCIUS: Very nice castle, Hogwarts. Uh, very good pig country...

ARAGORN: Is it?

DRACO: Hurry! I'm ready!

LUCIUS: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

ARAGORN: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...

DRACO: I am ready!

ARAGORN: ...um, I mean to be so understanding.

     [thonk]

     Um,...

     [woosh]

DRACO: Oooh!

ARAGORN: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

LUCIUS: Oh, don't worry about that.

DRACO: Oooh!

     [splat]

SCENE 17

GUESTS: [crying]

LUCIUS: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.

SNAPE: There he is!

LUCIUS: Oh, bloody hell.

ARAGORN: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!

LUCIUS: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!

ARAGORN: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.

WORMTAIL: He's killed the best man!

GUESTS: [yelling]

LUCIUS: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Aragorn from the Court of Hogwarts, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.

ARAGORN: Hello.

SNAPE: He killed my auntie!

GUESTS: [yelling]

LUCIUS: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.

GUESTS: Oh! Oh no!

LUCIUS: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!

     [clap clap clap]

     For, since the tragic death of her father--

CRABBE: He's not quite dead!

LUCIUS: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--

CRABBE: He's getting better!

LUCIUS: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.

LUNA'S FATHER: Uugh!

CRABBE: Oh, he's died!

LUCIUS: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.

     [clap clap clap]

     And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Aragorn of Hogwarts--

ARAGORN: What?

CRABBE: Look! The dead Draco!

GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Draco!

ELROND: He's not quite dead.

DRACO: No, I feel much better.

LUCIUS: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

DRACO: No, I was saved at the last minute.

LUCIUS: How?!

DRACO: Well, I'll tell you.

     [music]

LUCIUS: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

LUCIUS: Shut uuup!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

LUCIUS: Shut up!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

LUCIUS: Shut up!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

LUCIUS: Not like that!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

ELROND: Quickly, sir!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...

ELROND: Come this way!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...

ARAGORN: No! It's not right for my idiom!

GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...

ARAGORN: I must escape more... [sigh]

GUESTS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way...

ELROND: Dramatically, sir?

ARAGORN: Dramatically!

GUESTS: [singing] But he's here with us today...

ARAGORN: Heee! Hoa!

     [crash]

     Hoo!

GUESTS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!

ARAGORN: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?