Harry Potter and the One Ring

SCENE 1

     [wind]

     [clop clop]

Harry: Whoa there!

     [clop clop]

GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?

HARRY: It is I, Harry, son of James Potter, from the castle of Hogwarts. King of the Wizards, defeater of You-Know-Who, sovereign of all Wizarding England!

GUARD #1: Pull the other one!

HARRY: I am. And this my trusty servant Legolas. We have ridden the length and breadth of this Middle Earth in search of knights who will join me in my court at Hogwarts. I must speak with your lord and master.

GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?

HARRY: Yes!

GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!

HARRY: What?

GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

HARRY: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of the Shire, through--

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?

HARRY: We found them.

GUARD #1: Found them? In the Shire? The coconut's tropical!

HARRY: What do you mean?

GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

HARRY: The thestra may fly south with the sun or the hippogriff or the Potions Master may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?

HARRY: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a thestral carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.

HARRY: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Harry from the Court of Hogwarts is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a thestral needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

HARRY: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

HARRY: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African thestral!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African thestral maybe, but not an European thestral, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

HARRY: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Hogwarts?!

GUARD #1: But then of course African thestrals are not migratory.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...

GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...

     [clop clop]

GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two thestrals carried it together?

GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!

GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

GUARD #2: Well, why not?

SCENE 2

[thud]

     [clang]

CART-MASTER: Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [cough cough...]

     [clang]

     [...cough cough]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead! Ninepence.

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

     [clang]

     Bring out...

     [rewr!]

     ...your dead!

     [rewr!]

     [clang]

     Bring out your dead!

MCGONAGALL: Here's one.

CART-MASTER: Nine knuts.

UMBRIDGE: I'm not dead!

CART-MASTER: What?

MCGONAGALL: Nothing. Here's your nine knuts.

UMBRIDGE: I'm not dead!

CART-MASTER: 'Ere. She says she's not dead!

MCGONAGALL: Yes she is.

UMBRIDGE: I'm not!

CART-MASTER: She isn't?

MCGONAGALL: Well, she will be soon. She's very ill.

UMBRIDGE: I'm getting better!

MCGONAGALL: No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

CART-MASTER: Oh, I can't take her like that. It's against regulations.

UMBRIDGE: I don't want to go on the cart!

MCGONAGALL: Oh, don't be such a baby.

CART-MASTER: I can't take her.

UMBRIDGE: I feel fine!

MCGONAGALL: Well, do us a favor.

CART-MASTER: I can't.

MCGONAGALL: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? She won't be long.

CART MASTER: No, I've got to go to Rohan. They've lost nine today.

MCGONAGALL: Well, when's your next round?

CART-MASTER: Thursday.

UMBRIDGE: I think I'll go for a walk.

MCGONAGALL: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?

UMBRIDGE: [singing] I feel happy... I feel happy.

     [whop]

MCGONAGALL: Ah, thanks very much.

CART-MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

MCGONAGALL: Right. All right.

     [howl]

     [clop clop clop]

     Who's that then?

CART-MASTER: I dunno. Must be a king.

CUSTOMER: Why?

CART-MASTER: He hasn't got shit all over him.

SCENE 3

[thud]

     [King Harry music]

     [thud thud thud]

     [King Harry music stops]

HARRY: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

HARRY: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: I-- what?

DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

HARRY: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

HARRY: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.

DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

HARRY: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

HARRY: Well, I am king!

DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

HARRY: How do you do, good lady. I am Harry, King of the Wizards. Who's castle is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

HARRY: The Wizards.

WOMAN: Who are the Wizards?

ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Wizards, and I am your king.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous

     collective.

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.

DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

HARRY: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

WOMAN: No one live there.

HARRY: Then who is your lord?

WOMAN: We don't have a lord.

HARRY: What?

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

HARRY: Yes.

DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting--

HARRY: Yes, I see.

DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--

HARRY: Be quiet!

DENNIS: But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

HARRY: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

HARRY: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

HARRY: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?

HARRY: The Dark Lord,...

     [angels sing]

     ...his arm, clad in the darkest light, holding aloft his wand, his Killing Curse rebounding on him, and I defeated him in the Last Battle (which Robert Jordan NEVER gets around to writing. C'mon, how long can Rand wander around doing NOTHING?!) signifying by Godric Gryffindor that I, Harry, was to carry Godric's sword..

     [singing stops]

     That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen, strange men lying in cauldrons distributing Killing Curses is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical messed-up ceremony.

HARRY: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just'cause some Michael Jackson look-a-like tried to kill you!

HARRY: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some evil-snake bint had lobbed a spell at me, they'd put me away!

HARRY: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

HARRY: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

SCENE 4

     [King Harry music]

     [music stops]

BLACK RANGER: Aaaagh!

     [King Harry music]

     [music stops]

BLACK RANGER: Aaagh!

GREEN RANGER: Ooh!

     [King Harry music]

     [music stops]

     [stab]

BLACK RANGER: Aagh!

GREEN RANGER: Oh!

     [King Harry music]

     Ooh!

     [music stops]

BLACK RANGER: Aaaagh!

     [clang]

BLACK RANGER and GREEN RANGER: Agh!, oh!, etc.

GREEN RANGER: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!

     [woosh]

     [BLACK RANGER kills GREEN RANGER]

     [thud]

     [scrape]

BLACK RANGER: Umm!

     [clop clop clop]

HARRY: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Ranger.

     [pause]

     I am Harry, King of the Wizards.

     [pause]

     I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Hogwarts.

     [pause]

     You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

     [pause]

     You make me sad. So be it. Come, Legolas.

BLACK RANGER: None shall pass.

HARRY: What?

BLACK RANGER: None shall pass.

HARRY: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Ranger, but I must cross this Brandywin Bridge.

BLACK RANGER: Then you shall die.

HARRY: I command you, as King of the Wizards, to stand aside!

BLACK RANGER: I move for no man.

HARRY: So be it!

HARRY and BLACK RANGER: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.

     [HARRY chops the BLACK RANGEER's left arm off]

HARRY: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK RANGER: 'Tis but a scratch.

HARRY: A scratch? Your arm's off!

BLACK RANGER: No, it isn't.

HARRY: Well, what's that then?

BLACK RANGER: I've had worse.

HARRY: You liar!

BLACK RANGER: Come on, you pansy!

     [clang]

     Huyah!

     [clang]

     Hiyaah!

     [clang]

     Aaaaaaaah!

     [HARRY chops the BLACK RANGER's right arm off]

HARRY: Victory is mine!

     [kneeling]

     We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--

BLACK RANGER: Hah!

     [clunk]

     Come on then.

HARRY: What?

BLACK RANGER: Have at you!

     [kick]

HARRY: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Ranger, but the fight is mine.

BLACK RANGER: Oh, had enough, eh?

HARRY: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.

BLACK RANGER: Yes I have.

HARRY: Look!

BLACK RANGER: Just a flesh wound.

     [kick]

HARRY: Look, stop that.

BLACK RANGER: Chicken!

     [kick]

     Chickennn!

HARRY: Look, I'll have your leg.

     [kick]

     Right!

     [whop]

     [HARRY chops the BLACK RANGER's right leg off]

BLACK RANGER: Right. I'll do you for that!

HARRY: You'll what?

BLACK RANGER: Come here!

HARRY: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

BLACK RANGER: I'm invincible!

HARRY: You're a looney.

BLACK RANGER: The Black Ranger always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.

     [whop]

     [HARRY chops the BLACK RANGER's last leg off]

BLACK RANGER: Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.

HARRY: Come, Legolas.

BLACK RANGER: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

SCENE 5

DEATH EATERS: [chanting] I am an idiot.

     [bonk]

     Voldemort is a big loser,...

     [bonk]

     ...what were we thinking?

     [bonk]

     I am an idiot,...

     [bonk]

     ...Voldemort is a big loser.

CROWD: A witch! A witch!

     [bonk]

     A witch! A witch!

DEATH EATERS: [chanting] I am an idiot...

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!

MERRY: We have found a witch. May we burn her?

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

BOROMIR: How do you know she is a witch?

PIPPIN: She looks like one.

CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!

BOROMIR: Bring her forward.

EOWYN: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.

BOROMIR: Uh, but you are dressed as one.

EOWYN: They dressed me up like this.

CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...

EOWYN: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.

BOROMIR: Well?

MERRY: Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

MERRY: And the hat, but she is a witch!

PIPPIN: Yeah!

CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

BOROMIR: Did you dress her up like this?

MERRY: No!

PIPPIN and FRODO: No. No.

PIPPIN: No.

MERRY: No.

PIPPIN and FRODO: No.

MERRY: Yes.

PIPPIN: Yes.

MERRY: Yes. Yeah, a bit.

FRODO: A bit.

MERRY and PIPPIN: A bit.

FRODO: A bit.

MERRY: She has got a wart.

RANDOM: [cough]

BOROMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?

FRODO: Well, she turned me into a newt.

BOROMIR: A newt?

FRODO: I got better.

PIPPIN: Burn her anyway!

MERRY: Burn!

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...

BORORMIR: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

MERRY: Are there?

PIPPIN: Ah?

MERRY: What are they?

CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...

BOROMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?

PIPPIN: Burn!

MERRY: Burn!

CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...

BOROMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?

MERRY: More witches!

FRODO: Shh!

PIPPIN: Wood!

BOROMIR: So, why do witches burn?

     [pause]

FRODO: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?

BOROMIR: Good! Heh heh.

CROWD: Oh yeah. Oh.

BOROMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

MERRY: Build a bridge out of her.

BOROMIR: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

MERRY: Oh, yeah.

RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

BOROMIR: Does wood sink in water?

MERRY: No. No.

PIPPIN: No, it floats! It floats!

MERRY: Throw her into the pond!

CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!

BOROMIR: What also floats in water?

MERRY: Bread!

PIPPIN: Apples!

FRODO: Uh, very small rocks!

MERRY: Ale!

PIPPIN: Uh, gra-- gravy!

MERRY: Cherries!

PIPPIN: Mud!

FRODO: Churches! Churches!

PIPPIN: Lead! Lead!

HARRY: A duck!

CROWD: Oooh.

BOROMIR: Exactly. So, logically...

MERRY: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.

BOROMIR: And therefore?

PIPPIN: A witch!

MERRY: A witch!

CROWD: A witch! A witch!...

SAM: Here is a duck. Use this duck.

     [quack quack quack]

BOROMIR: We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...

BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports!

     [whop]

     [clunk]

     [creak]

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!

EOWYN: It's a fair cop.

FRODO: Burn her!

CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...

BOROMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

HARRY: I am Harry, King of the Wizards.

BEDEVERE: My liege!

ARTHUR: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Hogwarts, and join us at the Head Table?

BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.

ARTHUR: What is your name?

BOROMIR: Boromir, my liege.

HARRY: Then I dub you Sir Boromir, Knight of the Head Table.

NARRATIVE INTERLUDE

NARRATOR: The wise Sir Boromir was the first to join King Harry's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Aragorn the Brave; Sir Gilderoy the Vain; and Sir Ron not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Aragorn,

     who had nearly fought the Dragon of Hagrid's, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Malfoy of Slytherin, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Department of Mysteries; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-fan fic.

     Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Head Table.

SCENE 6

[clop clop clop]

SIR BOROMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know Middle Earth to be banana-shaped.

HARRY: This new learning amazes me, Sir Boromir. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

BOROMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.

SIR LARAGORN: Look, my liege!

     [trumpets]

HARRY: Hogwarts!

SIR GILDEROY: Hogwarts!

ARAGORN: Hogwarts!

LEGOLAS: It's only a model.

HARRY: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Hogwarts!

     [in Great Hall]

KNIGHTS: [singing]

     We're knights of the Head Table.

     We dance when e'er we're able.

     We do routines and chorus scenes

     With footwork impeccable.

     We dine well here in Hogwarts

     We eat ham and jam and spam tarts.

     [dancing]

     We're knights of the Head Table.

     Our shows are formidable,

     But many times we're given rhymes

     That are quite unsingable.

     We're opera mad in Hogwarts.

     We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

     [in dungeon]

DOBBY: [clap clap clap clap]

     [in medieval hall]

KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing]

     In war we're tough and able,

     Quite indefatigable.

     Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.

     It's a busy life in Hogwarts.

SNAPE: I have to push the pram a lot.

     [outdoors]

HARRY: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Hogwarts. It is a silly place.

KNIGHTS: Right. Right.

SCENE 7

[clop clop clop]

     [boom boom]

     [angels sing]

GANDALF: Harry! Harry, King of the Wizards! Oh, don't grovel!

     [singing stops]

     One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

GANDALF: Sorry.

     [boom]

GANDALF: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.

     [boom]

     What are you doing now?!

HARRY: I'm averting my eyes, O Vala.

GANALF: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Elves-- they're so depressing. Now knock it off!

HARRY: Yes, Vala.

GANDALF: Right! Harry, King of the Wizards, your Knights of the Head Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

HARRY: Good idea, O Vala!

GANDALF: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!

     [angels sing]

     Harry, this is the One Ring. Look well, Harry, for it is your sacred task to seek this ring. That is your purpose, Harry... the quest for the One Ring.

     [boom]

     [singing stops]

ARAGORN: A blessing! A blessing from the Valar!

GILDEROY: Gandalf be praised!

SCENE 8

[King Harry music]

     [clop clop clop]

HARRY: Halt!

     [horn]

     Hallo!

     [pause]

     Hallo!

FRENCH WIZARD: Allo! Who is eet?

HARRY: It is King Harry, and these are my Knights of the Head Table. Who's castle is this?

FRENCH WIZARD: This is the castle of my mistress Madame Maxime.

HARRY: Go and tell your mistress that we have been charged by Gandalf with a sacred quest. If she will give us food and shelter for the night she can join us in our quest for the One Ring.

FRENCH WIZARD: Well, I'll ask her, but I don't think she'll be very keen. Uh, she's already got one, you see?

ARTHUR: What?

GILDEROY: He says they've already got one!

HARRY: Are you sure she's got one?

FRENCH WIZARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

HARRY: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

FRENCH WIZARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!

HARRY: Well, what are you then?

FRENCH WIZARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

GILDEROY: What are you doing in England?

FRENCH WIZARD: Mind your own business!

HARRY: If you will not show us the Ring, we shall take your castle by force!

FRENCH WIZARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Harry King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

GILDEROY: What a strange person.

HARRY: Now look here, my good man--

FRENCH WIZARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! (A/N Don'tcha just love that line?)

GILDEROY: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

FRENCH WIZARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

     [sniff]

HARRY: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

FRENCH WIZARD: (Fetchez la vache.)

OTHER FRENCH WITCH: Quoi?

FRENCH WIZARD: (Fetchez la vache!)

     [mooo]

HARRY: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--

     [twong]

     [mooooooo]

     Jesus Christ!

KNIGHTS: Christ!

     [thud]

     Ah! Ohh!

HARRY: Right! Charge!

KNIGHTS: Charge!

     [mayhem]

FRENCH WIZARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.

     [mayhem]

FRENCH WIZARD: And this one's for your dad!

HARRY: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away!

FRENCH WIZARD: Thppppt!

FRENCH WIZARDS AND WITCHES: [taunting]

ARAGORN: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

HARRY: No, no. No, no.

BOROMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

     [later]

     [wind]

     [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]

     [clunk]

     [bang]

     [rewr!]

     [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]

     [rrrr rrrr rrrr]

     [drilllll]

     [sawwwww]

     [clunk]

     [crash]

     [clang]

     [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

     [creak]

FRENCH WIZARDS: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...

     [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]

     [clllank]

HARRY: What happens now?

BOROMIR: Well, now, uh, Aragorn, Gilderoy, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

HARRY: Who leaps out?

BOROMIR: U-- u-- uh, Aragorn, Gilderoy, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...

HARRY: Ohh.

BOROMI: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--

     [clank]

     [twong]

HARRY: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

     Run away!

     [CRASH]

FRENCH WIZARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...

SCENE 9

[clack]

VOICE: Pictures for Schools, take eight.

DIRECTOR: Action!

HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Harry. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Harry became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the One Ring were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Harry, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Ring individually.

     [clop clop clop]

     Now, this is what they did: Aragorn--

KNIGHT: Aaaah!

     [slash]

     [KNIGHT kills HISTORIAN]

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Frank!

[trumpets]

KITTYARA: The Tale of Sir Ron. So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Ron rode north, through the dark forest of Mirkwood, accompanied by his favorite minstrels-the Weasley twins.

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Ronnie, rode forth from Hogwarts.

     He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Ronnie.

     He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.

     Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Ronnie!

     He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,

     Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.

     To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,

     And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Ronnie!

     His head smashed in and his heart cut out,

     And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,

     And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,

     And his pen--

SIR RON: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

COLIN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] He is brave Sir Ronnie, brave Sir Ronnie, who--

RON: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody really, I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just um, just passing through.

ALL HEADS: What do you want?

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] To fight and--

RON: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-- j-- just-- just to um, just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.

ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!

RON: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Head Table.

ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Head Table?

RON: I am.

LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.

MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?

LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, let's be nice to him.

LEFT HEAD: Oh shut up.

RON: Perhaps I could--

LEFT HEAD: And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!

MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!

LEFT HEAD: What?

RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.

MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.

LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?

MIDDLE HEAD: You snore!

LEFT HEAD: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

MIDDLE HEAD: Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.

LEFT HEAD: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, not biscuits.

LEFT HEAD: All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.

ALL HEADS: Right!

MIDDLE HEAD: He buggered off.

RIGHT HEAD: So he has. He's scarpered.

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] Brave Sir Ronnie ran away.

RON: No!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] Bravely ran away away.

RON: I didn't!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

RON: No!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Ronnie turned about

RON: I didn't!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] And gallantly he chickened out, bravely taking to his feet.

RON: I never did!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat.

RON: All lies!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Ronnie.

RON: I never!

CARTOON

CARTOON DEATH EATERS: [chanting] I am an idiot, Voldemort is a big loser.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Heh heh heeh ooh...

     [twang]

CARTOON DEATH EATERS: [chanting] I am an idiot,...

CARTOON CHARACTERS: Wayy!

     [splash]

     Ho ho. Woa, wayy!

     [twang]

     [splash]

     Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!

CARTOON DEATH EATERS: [chanting] ...Voldemort is a big loser.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Wayy!

     [twang]

     Wayy!

     [twang]

VOICE: [whispering] Forgive me for asking.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh! Oooo.