Harry Potter and the One Ring

SCENE 18

[King Harry music]

     [clop clop clop]

     [rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!]

HARRY: Old crone!

     [rewr!]

     [music stops]

     Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?

     [dramatic chord]

SARUMAN: Who sent you?

HARRY: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

SARUMAN: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

HARRY: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'.

SARUMAN: Agh! Do your worst!

HARRY: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!

SARUMAN: No! Never! No shrubberies!

HARRY: Ni!

SARUMAN: [cough]

BOROMIR: Nu!

HARRY: No, no, no, no...

BOROMIR: Nu!

HARRY: No, it's not that, it's 'ni'.

BOROMIR: Nu!

HARRY: No, no-- 'ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.

BOROMIR: Ni!

HARRY and BOROMIR: Ni!

HARRY: That's it. That's it. You've got it.

HARRY and BOROMIR: Ni!

SARUMAN: Ohh!

BOROMIR: Ni!

HARRY: Ni!

SARUMAN: Agh!

BOROMIR: Ni!

HARRY: Ni!

BOROMIR: Ni!

HARRY: Ni!

BOROMIR: Ni!

NEVILLE THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?

HARRY: Erm, yes.

NEVILLE: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

HARRY: Did you say 'shrubberies'?

NEVILLE: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Neville the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

BOROMIR: Ni!

HARRY: No! No, no, no! No!

SCENE 19

HARRY: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

HARRY: What is that?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang- zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Therefore, we must give you a test.

HARRY: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said 'Ni'?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!

     [dramatic chord]

HARRY: Not another shrubbery!

RANDOM: Ni!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a steak and kidney pie!

     [dramatic chord]

HARRY: We shall do no such thing!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Oh, please!

HARRY: Cut down a tree with a steak and kidney pie? It can't be done.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.

HARRY: What word?

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.

HARRY: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: You said the word again!

HARRY: What, 'is'?

KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.

KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.

BOROMIR: My liege, it's Sir Ron!

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] Packing it in and packing it up,

     And sneaking away and buggering up,

     And chickening out and pissing off home,

     Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

HARRY: Sir Ron!

RON: My liege! It's good to see you.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Now he's said the word!

HARRY: Surely you've not given up your quest for the One Ring?

FRED AND GEORGE: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--

RON: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: He said the word again!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

RON: I was looking for it.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

RON: Uh, here-- here in this forest.

HARRY: No, it is far from this place.

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...

HARRY: Oh, stop it!

KNIGHTS OF NI: ...we cannot hear!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Ow! He said it again!

HARRY: Legolas!

HEAD KNIGHT WORMTONGUE: Wait! I said it! I said it!

     [clop clop clop]

     Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!

KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!

KITTYARA: And so, Harry and Boromir and Sir Ron set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom Gimli had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest they met Aragorn and Gilderoy, and there was much rejoicing.

KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay!

     [woosh]

KITTYARA: In the frozen land of Gondor, they were forced to eat Ron's minstrels.

FRED AND GEORGE: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!

KITTYARA: And there was much rejoicing.

KNIGHTS: Yay!

KITTYARA: A year passed.

CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]

KITTYARA: Winter changed into Spring.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.

KITTYARA: Spring changed into Summer.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.

KITTYARA: Summer changed back into Winter.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?

KITTYARA: And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.

CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah.

     [snap]

     Oh! Waa!

KITTYARA: Until one day...

SCENE 21

[King Harry music]

     [clop clop clop]

     [music stops]

     [boom]

KNIGHTS: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.

HARRY: Knights! Forward!

     [boom boom boom boom boom]

     [squeak]

     [boom boom boom boom]

     What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?

THEODEN THE ENCHANTER: I... am an enchanter.

HARRY: By what name are you known?

THEODDEN: There are some who call me... Theoden?

HARRY: Greetings, Theoden the Enchanter.

THEODEN: Greetings, King Harry!

HARRY: You know my name?

THEODEN: I do.

     [zoosh]

     You seek the One Ring!

HARRY: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Theoden.

THEODEN: Quite.

     [pweeng boom]

     [clap clap clap]

RON: Oh.

HARRY: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the One Ring. Our quest is to find the One Ring.

KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm.

HARRY: And so we're-- we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.

BOROMIR: Yes, we are.

GILDEROY: Yeah.

RON: We are. We are.

BOROMIR: We have been for some time.

RON: Ages.

BOROMIR: Umhm.

HARRY: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help, would be... very... helpful.

GILDEROY: Look, can you tell us where--

     [boom]

HARRY: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--

THEODEN: A what...?

ARTHUR: A r-- a-- a r-- a r-- a-- a r--

THEODEN: A ring?!

HARRY: Yes, I think so.

RON: Y-- y-- yes.

HARRY: Yes.

GILDEROY: Yup.

KNIGHTS: That's it...

THEODEN: Yes!

RON: Oh.

HARRY: Oh. Thank you.

RON: Ahh.

GILDEROY: Oh. Fine.

HARRY: Thank you.

RON: Splendid.

KNIGHTS: Aah...

     [boom pweeng boom boom]

HARRY: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--

THEODEN: Yes, I can help you find the One Ring.

KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. Oh...

THEODEN: To the north there lies a mine-- the mine of Moria-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Gollum of the River Folk.

     [boom]

     ...make plain the last resting place of the most One Ring.

HARRY: Where could we find this cave, O Theoden?

THEODEN: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this mine is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

HARRY: What an eccentric performance.

SCENE 21

[clop clop clop]

     [whinny whinny]

GILDEROY: They're nervous, sire.

HARRY: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!

THEODEN: Behold the Mines of Moria!

HARRY: Right! Keep me covered.

GILDEROY: What with?

HARRY: W-- just keep me covered.

THEODEN: Too late!

     [dramatic chord]

HARRY: What?

THEODEN: There he is!

HARRY: Where?

THEODEN: There!

HARRY: What, behind the rabbit?

THEODEN: It is the rabbit!

HARRY: You silly sod!

THEODEN: What?

HARRY: You got us all worked up!

THEODEN: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.

HARRY: Ohh.

THEODEN: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

RON: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

THEODEN: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!

GILDEROY: Get stuffed!

THEODEN: He'll do you up a treat mate!

GILDEROY: Oh, yeah?

RON: You mangy Scots git!

THEODEN: I'm warning you!

RON: What's he do, nibble your bum?

THEODEN: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

HARRY: Go on, Bill. Chop his head off!

BILL: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

THEODEN: Look!

     [squeak]

BILL: Aaaugh!

     [dramatic chord]

     [clunk]

HARRY: Jesus Christ!

THEODEN: I warned you!

RON: I done it again!

THEODEN: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--

HARRY: Oh, shut up!

THEODEN: Do they listen to me?

HARRY: Right!

THEODEN: Oh, no...

KNIGHTS: Charge!

     [squeak squeak squeak]

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.

HARRY: Run away! Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...

THEODEN: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!

HARRY: Right. How many did we lose?

ARAGORN: Radagast.

GILDEROY: Glorifendel.

HARRY: And Bill. That's five.

GILDEROY: Three, sir.

HARRY: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.

RON: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

HARRY: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

GILDEROY: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

HARRY: Like what?

GILDEROY: Well... ooh.

ARAGORN: Have we got bows?

HARRY: No.

ARAGORN: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

HARRY: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Albus Dumbledore carries with him! Professor Dumbledore! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

DEATH EATERS: [chanting] I am an idiot. Voldemort is a big loser. I am an idiot. Voldemort is a big loser. I am an idiot. Voldemort is a big loser. I am an idiot. Voldemort is a big loser.

HARRY: How does it, um-- how does it work?

ARAGORN: I know not, my liege.

HARRY: Consult the Book of Godric!

DUMBLEDORE: Godric, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-one.

BINNS: And Godric Gryffindor raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Vala, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Valar did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

DUMBLEDORE: Skip a bit, Binns.

BINNS: And the Valar spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the

     Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Arnor towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'

DUMBLEDORE: Amen.

KNIGHTS: Amen.

HARRY: Right! One... two... five!

GILDEROY: Three, sir!

HARRY: Three!

     [Elves sing]

     [boom]

SCENE 22

HARRY: There! Look!

ARAGORN: What does it say?

GILDEROY: What language is that?

HARRY: Professsor Dumbledore! You are a scholar.

DUMBLEDORE: It's Sindarin!

GILDEROY: Of course! Smeagol of the River Folk!

ARAGORN: 'Course!

HARRY: What does it say?

DUMBLEDORE: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Smeagol of the River folk. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the One Ring in the Castle of uuggggggh'.

HARRY: What?

DUMBLEDORE: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.

BOROMIR: What is that?

DUMBLEDORE: He must have died while carving it.

ARAGORN: Oh, come on!

DUMBLEDORE: Well, that's what it says.

HARRY: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!

DUMBLEDORE: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!

GILDEROY: Perhaps he was dictating.

HARRY: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?

DUMBLEDORE: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.

ARAGORN: Aauuggghhh.

HARRY: Aaauggh.

BOROMIR: Do you suppose he meant the Moraaaaaargue?

GILDEROY: Where's that?

BOROMIR: France, I think.

ARAGORN: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?

HARRY: No, that's Saint Ives.

ARAGORN: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.

KNIGHTS: Iiiiives.

BOROMIR: Oooohoohohooo!

ARAGORN: No, no. 'Aauuuuugh', at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.

BOROMIR: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.

ARAGORN: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!

BOROMIR: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!

HARRY: Oooh!

GILDEROY: My God!

     [dramatic chord]

     [roar]

DUMBLEDORE: It's the legendary Balrog of Aaauugh!

     [Balrog of Aaauugh eats PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE]

BOROMIR: That's it! That's it!

HARRY: Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away!

     [roar]

     Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!

     [roar]

     Keep running!

     [boom]

     [roar]

     Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...

BOROMIR: We've lost him.

     [roar]

KNIGHTS: Aagh!

KITTYARA: As the horrendous Balrog lunged forward, escape for Harry and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

ANIMATOR: Ulk!

     [thump]

KITTYARA: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for One Ring could continue.

SCENE 23

     [gurgle]

GILDEROY: There it is!

HARRY: The Brandywine Bridge!

RON: Oh, great.

HARRY: Look! There's Gimli from scene twenty-four!

BOROMIR: What is he doing here?

HARRY: He is the keeper of the Brandywine Bridge. He asks each traveler five questions--

GILDEROY: Three questions.

HARRY: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--

GILDEROY: Three questions.

HARRY: Three questions may cross in safety.

RON: What if you get a question wrong?

HARRY: Then you are cast into the Great Lake.

RON: Oh, I won't go.

GILDEROY: Who's going to answer the questions?

HARRY: Sir Ron!

RON: Yes?

HARRY: Brave Sir Ron, you go.

RON: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Aragorn go?

ARAGORN: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--

HARRY: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--

GILDEROY: Three questions.

HARRY: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.

ARAGORN: I understand, my liege.

HARRY: Good luck, brave Sir Aragorn. Valar be with you.

GIMLI: Stop! Who would cross the Brandywine Bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

ARAGORN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

GIMLI: What is your name?

ARAGORN: My name is Sir Aragorn of Hogwarts.

GIMLI: What is your quest?

ARAGORN: To seek the One Ring.

GIMLI: What is your favourite colour?

ARAGORN: Blue.

GIMLI: Right. Off you go.

ARAGORN: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

RON: That's easy!

GIMLI: Stop! Who approacheth the Brandywine Bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

RON: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

GIMLI: What is your name?

RON: Sir Ron of Hogwarts.

GIMLI: What is your quest?

RON: To seek the One Ring.

GIMLI: What is the capital of Lothloiren?

RON: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

GIMLI: Stop! What is your name?

GILDEROY: Sir Gilderoy of Hogwarts.

GIMLI: What is your quest?

GILDEROY: I seek the Ring.

GIMLI: What is your favorite color?

GILDEROY: Blue. No yel-- auuuuuuuugh!

GIMLI: Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?

HARRY: It is Harry, King of the Wizards.

GIMLI: What is your quest?

HARRY: To seek the One Ring.

GIMLI: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen thestral?

HARRY: What do you mean? An African or European thestral?

GIMLI: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

BOROMIR: How do know so much about thestrals?

HARRY: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

     [suspenseful music]

     [music suddenly stops]

     [intermission]

     [suspenseful music resumes]

HARRY: Aragorn! Aragorn! Aragorn!

BOROMIR: Aragorn! Aragorn!

HARRY: Aragorn!

     [police radio]

     Aragorn!

BOROMIR: Aragorn! Aragorn!

     [Elves sing]

     [singing stops]

     [ethereal music]

HARRY: The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! Gandalf be praised! Almighty Valar, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy--

     [twong]

     [baaaa]

     Jesus Christ!

     [thud]

FRENCH WIZARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Harry King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!

HARRY: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Hogwarts, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Gandalf Himself has guided us!

FRENCH WIZARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.

HARRY: In the name of the Valar, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

FRENCH WIZARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

HARRY: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!

     [splat]

     In the name of Gandalf and the glory of our--

     [splat]

FRENCH WIZARDS: [laughing]

HARRY: Agh. Right! That settles it!

FRENCH WIZARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!

HARRY: Walk away. Just ignore them.

FRENCH WIZARD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet,dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!

FRENCH WIZARDS: [taunting]

HARRY: We shall attack at once!

BOROMIR: Yes, my liege!

HARRY: Stand by for attack!

     [exciting music]

     [music stops]

     [silence]

     French persons!

FRENCH WIZARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...

HARRY: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Gandalf,...

FRENCH WIZARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...

HARRY: ...we shall not stop our fight 'til each one of you lies dead, and the One Ring returns to those whom Gandalf has chosen!

FRENCH WIZARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...

HARRY: Charge!

ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!

     [police siren]

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.

INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.

OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.

HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one.

OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.

INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van.

OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.

BOROMI: With whom?

INSPECTOR: Which one?

OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.

INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.

OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.

OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.

RANDOM: Ahh.

     [squeak]

RANDOM: Ooh.

OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!

OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!

OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.

OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.

INSPECTOR: Everything?

     [squeak]

OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.

     [crash]

CAMERAMAN: Christ!

THE END