All Kidding Aside

James was told of a rumor at dinner. It apparently had been cycling around for quite awhile, but most people had the decency not to inform him of this rumor. It concerned a certain estranged best friend of his, so they decided that the tactful thing to do was to keep the information to themselves and so that is what they did.

Even if they weren't the most considerate of human beings, many students doubted its validity, which was quite a feat given what the residents of Hogwarts were willing buy into. They had once sworn that there was some validity in the idea that there was a torrid, often tragic affair going on between Professor Slughorn and the Giant Squid. The current gossip was much tamer in that regard, yet too fantastic to believe in another. Thus, they said nothing to James.

While most people possessed the social grace and powers of reasoning to do this, Peter was severely lacking in those areas. Not that he meant to be rude, but even he admitted that he was not the brightest sort. In fact, Peter probably thought he was being helpful.

He sprinted through the open doors of the Great Hall as fast as his shorter than average legs could carry him. He had some trouble making around a few Hufflepuff girls who had insisted upon stopping for a very important conversation directly in the path of where people were attempting to walk, or in Peter's case, run. He came screeching to a halt directly in front of James and Lily, taking both of them by surprise. Peter was redder than the hide of a dragon in James's favorite children's story, panting in a manner that displayed that the Marauders were clearly getting too good at the prank-playing business. Peter obviously hadn't been made to run for his life in quite awhile.

Anyway, Lily instantly became something of a doting mother, getting to her feet and fretting over Peter in a manner that would have made James very jealous if he had been an irrational man. As it was, he was only a slightly irrational man; thus, he was only slightly jealous when Lily had dabbed Peter's forehead with a napkin and practically spoon-fed him water. James merely felt a twinge of longing to tear Lily away from Peter, carry her up the stairs to his room in Gryffindor Tower, and take her in a mad fit of envious passion so that she'd never think of laying eyes on Peter Pettigrew again.

Thankfully, he suppressed that instinct.

"It's Sirius," Peter panted, interrupting James's highly inappropriate fantasy in the worst way imaginable.

James was now in a fouler mood than he had been in all day, and he very much wanted to hit Peter with a large spoon because of it. The trio had formed an unspoken rule some time ago, one that Peter had to be continually reminded of (a fact that, as Lily liked to point out, really didn't make it unspoken anymore, but James continued to think of it as such because it just sounded better that way). It was a very simple rule, but after years of being conditioned to ignore such rules, James supposed it was difficult to get him to suddenly switch back. Nevertheless, it had been made painfully clear that Sirius's name was not to be mentioned in James's presence. This did not stop Peter from mentioning him every time there was a lull in conversation, as if Sirius had managed to consume their lives so much that he demanded to be spoken about even when he wasn't actually speaking to them. James was very frightened that this was the case, and he found himself telling Peter to shut up much more than usual.

None of them really mentioned Remus much, but if they had, James suspected that he wouldn't have had nearly as strong a reaction to it. After all, it was no secret that Sirius and James had been the closest from the moment they met, as they hadn't been forced to do anything annoying like convince each other that detention really wasn't such a very bad thing. They had sat up all night convincing Remus of this, and James had been very cross with him the next day in between yawning.

James also found it very hard to feel any sort of animosity towards the werewolf. Remus may have actually been a very deadly animal who could break his bones with about the same effort it took him to rip a piece of paper, but in a strange way, James felt that it would have been like holding a grudge against a puppy for barking outside his door because he wanted to snuggle. It was annoying, but the damn dog was too sweet to resist and always got his way.

It was then that James was momentarily overtaken by the image of snuggling with Remus Lupin and choked slightly. To counteract the unpleasantness of that image, he hooked an arm around Lily's waist and drew her closer to him.

Lily had such a wonderful waist.

Lily asked Peter for clarification, sensing that James would have preferred to be experiencing a painful medical procedure than acknowledge Sirius's continued existence in the world. "What about Sirius, Peter?" she asked kindly, stroking James's hair reassuringly.

Lily had such wonderful fingers.

"He's planning something for tomorrow!" Peter gasped excitedly, his eyes darting wildly between James and Lily. He didn't quite know which one of them he should be looking at.

James raised an eyebrow, now pulled into the conversation whether he liked it or not. "At Quidditch practice you mean?"

Unfortunately, James had booked the pitch for the following afternoon before he and Sirius had gotten into their row. There was no way he was going to give up perfectly good practice time just because it happened to be Sirius's time of the month, so he hadn't canceled. Still, the potential awkwardness of the situation was not lost on him. The thought that Sirius was planning some sort of revenge for the next day increased that potential one hundred fold.

Of course, it was James's own damn fault for not seeing it coming.

Peter nodded in earnest. "No one's completely up on the details," Peter explained, sounding rather proud of himself that he was being helpful. "But I have heard that he's arranged for a cheering section."

Lily blinked several times in rapid succession. She had a habit of doing that. James thought it was a rather wonderful habit. "A cheering section? What does that have to do with--"

"He's going to make up rhymes about me," James muttered miserably, stabbing at his vegetables with more ferocity than he usually did. "He's going to make up rhymes about me like we used to do for the other Quidditch teams."

Lily was then at once understanding and sympathetic to her boyfriend whom she often said she loved very, very much. Peter vanished from her worldview (a fact that made James very happy indeed), and she became absorbed with tending to the correct man in her life. She wrapped her wonderful, pale arms with their wonderful little red freckles around his neck. He felt her looking at him intently even after he closed his eyes, silently accepting the impending end to everything he had ever known to be real. A moment later, he felt the weight of her forehead on his own.

"James, it's just a rumor," Lily reminded him. "And probably not a very likely one if we haven't heard about it until now. You know that if Sirius were planning this, he would have started days ago."

"Actually, he wouldn't have," James muttered. "Sirius has this incredibly irritating habit of being able to throw a plot together within hours. Particularly the sort of prank that involves getting large groups of people involved... It's maddening."

Peter sounded sad. "You used to like it."

"Well, he used to like me."

Lily didn't say anything for a moment, but James could sense the shock registering on her face. Her elbows locked, tensing slightly around his drooping neck. Her breath grew louder as her mouth opened, gaping at him in pitying disbelief. Finally, the weight against his forehead disappeared. She must have glanced over at Remus and Sirius, no doubt watching them as they chatted and laughed at the head of the Gryffindor table. They had made that their own little spot. There was always a good few feet between them and the rest of the house, and James found this very funny in a depressing sort of way because he was the one who felt isolated.

"It's just a rumor," she repeated slowly, trying to build up his confidence. "Besides, I... I don't think he'd do that."

James laughed. It wasn't the slightest bit mirthful. "If you think that highly of him, you obviously don't know him very well."

Unfortunately for all of them, James was right.

-----

"SIRIUS, HE CAN'T BE BEAT! HE'LL WIPE POTTER ON THE STREET!"

James longed for a shotgun. Lily's father had shown James his shotgun when they'd all met over the Christmas holidays, and James had been utterly terrified of both the man and his weapon at the time. He now saw the practical uses in owning a shotgun and very much wanted one.

"I will say this one final time," James ground out, his eyes narrowed so much that he was beginning to give himself a headache. "This is a closed practice. All of the practices are closed. You are not allowed to be here!"

"JAMES POTTER'S NOT OUR MAN! HE CAN'T DO IT, BUT SIRIUS CAN!"

James still wanted that shotgun, but perhaps he'd prefer to use it to commit suicide.

Oliver Howell flew down from the stands, landing next to James Potter on the pitch. He still had a few bandages on him from the scuffle James and Sirius had gotten into earlier in the week, but Oliver was a very forgiving soul who was doing his best to clear the area so that they could practice. "Sorry, mate. They won't budge no matter what I do. They know we won't hex them."

James glanced back up at the stands to look at the twelve girls who had assembled at Sirius's behest. Or so he assumed. Of course, Sirius flatly denied this accusation, but James had recognized his friend's expression and tone of voice. He acted too innocent, and that was a sure sign that he had arranged it. He wanted James to know that, but there was no way in hell that he would admit it and land himself in detention.

"Yes, and I've threatened to take points away from them at least ten times now," James sighed.

"And Lily's actually done it," Oliver observed wryly.

James nodded. It was the truth. He may have been Head Boy, but he'd never really gotten the hang of taking points away from anyone. He found it incredibly hypocritical. Unless of course, it was a Slytherin. Then he was more than happy to play disciplinarian.

"You know, Lily is always talking to me about equal opportunity," James mused. "It would certainly be equal opportunity for me to punch all of them in the face. That's what I'd do if they were men."

Oliver clapped him on the shoulder. "I very much doubt that that was her intention when she told you that."

"Yeah..." James admitted. "But it sure would be nice to use that as justification."

Oliver glanced back up in the stands as the girls huddled together to come up with some more derogatory chants. Or, as James suspected, glance at the very long piece of parchment Sirius had given to them to pick which would be most appropriate to use next. Oliver's eyes scanned the bleachers until they came to rest on a boy who was always at their practices in spite of the policy. Of course, he was usually sitting with Peter and Lily.

"Remus is here, huh?" Oliver observed, tightening some of his protective gear.

James nodded, his jaw tensing. "Yeah. I guess he is."

Oliver shook his head in disbelief. "He must really like Sirius."

James coughed loudly, but Oliver didn't seem to notice.

"I know how much he hates Quidditch," Oliver said with a nod, as if this was privileged information. In fact, everyone knew about Remus's feelings about Quidditch, as he had a tendency to say very negative things about it when he was inebriated. "I always thought he just came to with Lily and Peter to pass the time."

Rather than respond, James spun on his heel and stalked to the middle of the pitch where the rest of his team was waiting. They were all talking in very hushed voices, casting looks over at Sirius, who had been buffing his nails to illustrate how disinterested he was for over twenty minutes now.

James very much wanted to hit his best friend with that same shotgun in his fantasy. Oh, how sweet that would be.

"Well," James began wearily, waiting until Oliver had finished the short jog to catch up with his captain. "It seems that the... cheering section refuses to budge. So, we're just going to have to practice with the distraction."

None of the players seemed particularly thrilled about this. Not that they hadn't played in far worse conditions, but then at least they had the overwhelming bloodlust for victory to hold their attention. Now their only motivation was to make James stop blowing the whistle he had grown so found of.

"I'm sorry about this, but it wasn't my idea." James glared at Sirius without the slightest hint of discretion. "That would be one of Sirius Black's brilliant plans."

Sirius looked up, and James could swear the boy had somehow managed to produce an angelic light to emanate from his body. "Who? Me?"

The cheering section had started up again.

"BLACK IS BACK! BLACK IS BACK! JUST STICK POTTER IN THE SHRIEKING SHACK!"

James shrugged casually. "The thought had crossed my mind."

Sirius continued to feign innocence. "Now, James, I really am wounded. What makes you think I'd be capable of doing such a thing?"

"BLACK'S THE ONLY MAN I NEED! POTTER'S SMALLER THAN A WEED!"

James heard a female squawk coming from the stands, followed by the sounds of Lily and Peter arguing about whether or not it would be prudent to give students negative points. Or rather, he heard Lily yelling about it and Peter offering up an ineffectual squeak every now and again.

James sighed, narrowing his gaze. "Sirius, why can't you just admit that you did it? We all know it was you. Surprisingly enough, you can't get in trouble just for being a complete jackass."

This seemed to cross Sirius's boundary. He refused to continue with the meeting anymore and straddled his broom, kicking off into the air. James very much wanted to continue the conversation, beating the truth out of him if necessary, but it didn't matter. He knew Sirius had done it. There was no sense in bringing up the subject of truth in front of him again. Not unless James wanted to have his teeth kicked in.

So it was with an extremely unpleasant disposition that James Potter also kicked off, soaring into the air, blowing his whistle to signal the beginning of practice. The rest of his team soon followed, each hoping that the mysterious issue between the Marauders would be solved quickly.

"BLACK ATTACK! BLACK ATTACK! PUT JAMES POTTER ON THE RACK!"

And that the girls would shut the hell up.

James took a deep breath, willing away the impending migraine. "All right everyone! Listen up! We're playing Ravenclaw next week, and you know that their strength has always been their game plans. That means we need to play into our strengths. Our speed..." he paused, taking time to audibly swallow his pride. "And our Beaters."

The Gryffindor Quidditch team had been known for their Beaters ever since Sirius and Oliver had earned the positions in their Third Year. Both boys had always had a strong arm, but that was only a portion of their talent. Oliver had a lot to live up to. His family was made up of nothing but rabid Quidditch fans and players. He had three brothers, and they had all excelled in the other positions - Chaser, Keeper, and Seeker respectively. Oliver was the youngest and had gone into the very first tryout with a hunger to succeed.

Sirius was, as always, a bit more complicated. Lily had once observed that she thought his playing was very much like venting. It was as if he could project all of his rage into every swing. His issues with his family, his occasional issues with his girlfriends, and every other minor irritation or huge grievance were released on the Quidditch Pitch. Unfortunately for the other teams, Sirius Black had quite a temper.

James finally brought himself to look at Sirius and Oliver. The latter appeared proud of himself, though not in a way that made James want to throw something at him... and Sirius waved to his fans, flexing obnoxiously.

"WE LOVE YOU, SIRIUS!"

"WHACK 'EM GOOD!"

"OWL ME!"

"Kill me," James muttered. "Just kill me."

"Did you say something, James?" Sirius called down to him, batting his eyelashes winningly.

"No," James denied, steering his broom in the opposite direction. "All right, we're going to run drills. I want the Chasers to practice tossing around the Quaffle while the Beaters hit the Bludgers about. The rest of you grab a bat and join in. Make it interesting."

James had scarcely finished his sentence before he took off, zipping into the air with the Quaffle tucked under his arm. The Bludgers were already going, but James wasn't worried about that. He dodged and weaved through them expertly, tossing the Quaffle back and forth with his fellow Chasers casually. It was second nature to him by now. James was beginning to think that all of these practices were just a formality. Surely nothing could beat his band of Chasers and the bloodthirsty Beaters.

Speed was one of the most important assets a good Chaser could have, and James Potter had it in spades. He'd always had it. James had first picked up a broom at the age of five and gone flying through the house. He hadn't had very good control of the broom, but he was certainly fast. He'd managed to destroy quite a few expensive knickknacks in the thirty seconds it had taken his father to stop him. His mother had yelled and sent him to his room, but his father had beamed with pride and said that they had a future Quidditch star in their home. James had hoped this would spare him punishment, but he still got sent to his room and received no dessert that evening.

Ever since then, James had loved flying. He loved soaring above everything else, and the glorious feeling of power, of omnipotence. James felt he was master of the winds, a god of the air when he flew. It was exhilarating. Intoxicating. He felt drunk on oxygen, inhaling the wind as it was shoved down his throat and fighting against it to exhale. Flying was glory. Flying was magic. Flying was power. Up in the sky, James was bigger than everything. James was everything. And up there, nothing could touch him.

Then he heard the familiar whistle of the Bludger. James craned his head over his shoulder to see it coming. His eyes widened when he saw the speed at which it was heading for him. Whichever Beater had hit it (and he had a sinking suspicion that he knew which one it was) had clearly forgotten that the entire purpose of drills was to not decapitate the Chasers.

James quickly jerked his broom up to avoid it, and the Bludger just barely missed clipping his shoulder. With the force the Bludger had been traveling at, even a light tap might have wound up knocking James off his broom ass over teacups. This would have been painful on a multitude of levels, though none so painful as his pride.

He continued to follow its path with his eyes, noting how Oliver dove for it in haste, a quizzical look on his face. However, before Oliver could reach the Bludger to bat it back, Sirius appeared just about out of nowhere. It was fast enough to make James briefly wonder if the boy had managed to Apparate mid-air (which would have been so typical considering how dangerous it was to do and the fact that Sirius's license had been revoked until that summer), but James didn't have much time to muse about Sirius's level of lawlessness. This was mostly due to the fact that it was Sirius who hit the Bludger back, possibly with even more strength behind it than the last one.

James froze for almost half a second, enough for the Bludger to get dangerously close to hitting him square in the face. Luckily, he came to his senses quickly enough to swerve out of the way before his good looks were ruined for all eternity. James stared after the Bludger, finding himself gaping at the speed and power it possessed. He couldn't think of a time when Sirius had hit the Bludger that hard in the midst of a game.

He turned back to stare at Sirius, shocked at the strength and depth of his fury.

"Sorry mate," Sirius called out, his voice just a bit too genial to be sincere. "Didn't see you there."

James didn't respond for a moment, hovering silently in the air. He could feel the muscles in his back tighten and his fingers tighten around the handle of his broom. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched painfully. He puffed out his chest and decided that if that was the way Sirius wanted to do things, then that was the way he was going to do it.

"Right," James ground out before lifting up into the air to continue on with the drills."

"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIRIUS!"

"YOU'LL GET HIM NEXT TIME!"

"BLOODY HIS NOSE A BIT FOR ME, SIRIUS!"

"Oh, sod off," James swore beneath his breath, soaring into the steady stream of Bludgers the rest of his teammates were still hitting back and forth.

James watched out of the corner of his eyes as Oliver and Sirius rejoined the group, livening up the drill a bit. Sirius continued to hit the Bludgers harder than he should have, and they always seemed to head in James's direction. Nevertheless, James wasn't the Captain of the team for nothing, and now that he knew what to expect, he wasn't about to be shot down. He zipped through those obstacles as if his very life depended on it, but it was pride that was on the line in this game. His pride and his reputation, both of which he had spent the past seven years building at this school. James was not about to let Sirius's fits do anything to ruin that.

James continued normally for some time, but on his fourth pass through the storm of Bludgers, he purposefully veered left too sharply. This sent him careening into Sirius, carrying them both a fair number of feet through the air. The drill once again came to a halt as Sirius was nearly knocked off his broom, gripping the wood with such intensity that James thought it might break apart in his hands. James wouldn't pretend that he'd been hoping for that as that would have meant that Sirius would fall anyway.

It was Sirius's turn to stare, all wild blue eyes and nostrils flaring like a bull staring at a red cloth. The cheering section had at long last fallen into dead silence as they waited for the inevitable retribution. But for the moment, all Sirius would or perhaps could do was scowl, all shock and fury.

"Sorry, mate," James repeated casually. "Didn't see you there."

For Sirius, that was the call to arms. Sirius snarled in a manner that would have betrayed his canine nature to anyone who was looking for it and drew his arm back, prepared to punch the smirk right off James Potter's face. James was ready for this reaction and was already beginning to swerve around to smack Sirius upside the head with his broomstick. Neither of the boys was sure if it was fortunate or unfortunate that the rest of their teammates swooped in to pull the pair apart before things got ugly. Both of them struggled to get free, shouting back and forth at each other.

"Didn't see me, my arse!" Sirius snarled. "You nearly knocked me to the ground, you git!"

James laughed darkly and countered, "And that Bludger hit that nearly put me in a coma was just you underestimating your strength. Is that it?"

Sirius appeared affronted even in his rage. "Are you suggesting that I--"

"Oh, don't go and get all dramatic! A blind bat could have pieced together what you were doing!" James shouted. "Don't treat me like I'm dull, Sirius! I am the Head Boy."

Sirius rolled his eyes in a grand gesture of just how difficult it was to be him and said, "Yes, James. I know. Everyone knows. Even that deaf badger--"

"Blind bat," James corrected.

"--knows that you're Head Boy," Sirius continued, seeming to not have noticed James's interjection. "That probably has something to do with the fact that you never shut up about it!"

James laughed again, now finding this accusation utterly hysterical. "Are suggesting that I go on about myself? HOW! You never give anyone else enough time to say anything. I swear, if I have to hear about your perfect freaking hair one more time--"

"I do not go on about my hair!" Sirius insisted. "My hair speaks for itself!"

This continued back and forth, teetering more and more on the brink of obscenity before the rest of the Quidditch team struggled to wrestle the pair to the ground. This proved to be quite a task as they had to keep the two from leaping upon each other mid-air. The insults began to get more and more redundant as they reached the Earth, and Sirius's cheering section eventually got bored and took their leave as a unit, for that was how they had been designed to function. Once Sirius and James were planted on the ground, Peter, Lily, and Remus were the only bystanders left. They were on the field, prepared to do whatever was necessary to prevent one of them from murdering the other.

"Why in the name of heaven do you insist on making everything about you!" James seethed, still attempting to dislodge himself from about three pairs of arms. "I would have liked for Quidditch practice to have been neutral territory."

"Yes, because God forbid anything interfere with your precious Quidditch," Sirius retorted. "I swear, all those times I hear you panting from your bed, you're fantasizing about riding a broomstick in a very different manner than you can do in public."

That time, James did almost manage to pull away from his captors. James stood just a few inches away from strangling Sirius, panting in a manner that he would have found quite comical if he wasn't him. A few moments later, he finally thought of something.

This was the first time Sirius had actually spoken to him in days. This was probably the only chance James would have in a long while to talk some sense into Sirius and figure out what he could do to fix the mess he had caused. So, James forced himself to take a deep breath and relax. He shut his eyes, willing himself to be calm enough to get rid of anyone he'd rather not be within earshot. It was not long before James had cooled off considerably, at least on the surface, and it was enough to convince his teammates to let go of him. With James placated, Sirius realized that it was rather ridiculous of him to remain in his temper, if only because he knew his raving look was not the most flattering.

"All right," James said, once he and Sirius had disentangled themselves from the multiple sets of arms. He sighed and said, "Well, there's obviously no point in continuing practice today. The rest of you can go."

James didn't say it, but the way he held unblinking eye contact with Sirius was message enough for even the dullest of them. Sirius was to stay behind.

Soon, it was just James, Lily, and Peter facing Remus and Sirius. The same group that had begun this great comical tragedy, the line now clearly divided between them. James swallowed painfully, and hoped that the good times with Sirius could now only be categorized as distant memories and dim recollections.

"Okay," James said after what felt like an eternity of silence. "Okay." He ran a hand down his face and said, "Sirius, we have to do something about this."

"You know how I have a fondness for that cracked mirror in your house because I think it makes your eyes look farther apart?" Sirius asked in his usual manner of coming up with metaphors that made sense in a vague way. "I see our relationship like that. Better broken and at a distance."

James sighed. "But we're not at a distance, Sirius. We're sharing a room, we're on the same teams, and we're in the same House. There is no such thing as avoiding each other, and clearly ignoring each other isn't working either."

Sirius pouted, stamping his foot. "But I was doing it so theatrically!"

James narrowed his eyes. "Sirius, you brush your teeth theatrically. Don't change the subject."

"Are you saying that I don't floss theatrically?" Sirius asked, now clearly looking for an excuse to get mad at James again. James was making sense, and Sirius did not want for things to wrap up nicely and all to be forgiven. He wanted to hold on to his grudge and drag it out until it became such an epic feud that people would say, "Montagues and Capulets? Never heard of them."

James was aware of this, and because of that knowledge, he tried very hard not to rip Sirius's head off. Nevertheless, a vein was beginning to bulge out on the side of his neck from repressed anger, and he found the feeling highly unpleasant. "Sirius, you don't floss at all. Now stop trying to--"

"Are you saying that I have ugly teeth, Potter?" Sirius asked. "Because if you are, I think I'm going to have to hit you again."

Sirius started to move forward, but Remus caught his arm before anything could be done. Even Remus seemed exasperated by Sirius's behavior, saying, "Sirius, don't look for excuses to hit him."

"You're right," Sirius decided. "I don't need an excuse." He tried to jump forward again, but try as he might to deny it, Remus would always be stronger than him.

James shook his head and yelled, "Why do you have to be so stubborn? Can't you tell that I'm sorry about this whole mess?"

"Henry was probably sorry after he cut Anne Boleyn's head off, but it doesn't change the fact that he killed her," Sirius snapped, acting as if this were somehow an appropriate comparison.

James sputtered for a moment before forcing out, "That doesn't even make sense! I didn't kill you!"

"What makes you so sure I'm not dead on the inside!" Sirius raged, his voice echoing across the pitch.

"You're awfully loud for a corpse," Peter mumbled as quietly as he could to avoid any rage being redirected at him.

Sirius heard him anyway and actually barked, making Peter jump. He felt an inclination to make the all too obvious joke about Sirius being barking mad, but he very wisely held his tongue.

Lily looked between the boys and held up her hands before any of them could start yelling again. "Listen, I really am very sorry about starting this whole mess, but I never wanted--"

"It doesn't really matter what you wanted, Lily, now, does it?" Sirius asked cruelly. "All that counts is that we're at war because you just had to know what Remus and I get up to in bed!" He turned back to James and snapped, "Though really, I do blame you. Just so we're clear."

"Oh, it has always been very clear," James said tiredly, looking as if he was quite ready for this conversation to be over. "It's all my fault. And I have apologized, but you're the one who keeps dragging it out!"

"Maybe I don't think you deserve to be forgiven," Sirius reasoned.

James found himself wondering at the difference between his sanity and the sanity of the rest of the world and why they two could never seem to match up no matter how hard he tried. "When will you give it up? It was an insult! A damn stupid one, but it was just words! And so help me, if you start on a speech about how words launched the armies that brought about The Crusades or some other rubbish, I will kill you seven times before you hit the ground!"

"You couldn't kill me once when I was on the ground!" Sirius countered, completely missing or ignoring the points that James had brought up.

James threw up his hands, now thoroughly fed up. "That's it. Forget it. I'm done with this bullshit." That decided, he turned and headed away, prepared to get drunk or get laid or do whatever else he had to do to make himself forget that any of this was actually happening. Lily and Peter quickly followed him, sending fervent glances over their shoulders in Remus's direction, each silently asking Remus to talk some sense into Sirius.

"Don't bother," James snapped, sensing what they were doing. "There's no sense left in either of them."

-----

The pair left behind stood awkwardly on the pitch in silence as Remus refused to take his hand off Sirius's arm on the off chance that Sirius would take off after James. He only moved once he could reasonably assume that James was safe inside Hogwarts. Then the two began to walk away from the scene in slightly uncomfortable silence, each unsure of what to say after that confrontation. Unsurprisingly, it was Remus who eventually broke the silence.

"Well, that was an interesting display," Remus said in a voice that would have been snippy from just about anyone else. However, this was Remus, so it sounded typically neutral and lacking in any judgment whatsoever. As if to soften that even more, he pulled out a chocolate bar, broke off a chunk and handed it to Sirius. "Have a bit?"

Sirius took it, his dirty fingers taking hold of it roughly. It was flattened instantly between his strength and crackling warmth, melting a little before he managed to pop it into his mouth. "Thanks," he responded brusquely. He didn't quite look up, not meeting Remus's eyes. He shuffled a bit, something which was rather uncharacteristic for Sirius. If he was going to shuffle, he was going to do a full out tap routine in a pink and green can-can outfit.

Remus took a bit for himself, chewing and eyeing Sirius thoughtfully. After a moment he said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius wasn't quite sure how to answer that. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked a bit more deliberately, as if realizing that he was dangerously close to acting unintentionally, something he never enjoyed. Remus followed seamlessly, matching him step for step.

When Sirius didn't immediately respond, Remus took another moment to think before speaking again. "I know you're still angry with him, Sirius."

"Damn right I am," Sirius muttered, not at all surprised at just how intensely he still felt that.

Remus didn't appear to be either. "Sirius, James was wrong. We both know that. I think even James knows that by now."

"And look at how quickly he ran up to apologize for it," Sirius chorused, throwing his hands up.

"He said he was sorry," Remus pointed out. "Several times actually."

Sirius shook his head. "No. He didn't. You see, Remus, I'm not sure if you've noticed this, but James doesn't apologize for things he's done. He apologizes around them by saying rubbish like, "I'm sorry that you feel that way," or "I'm sorry about this mess," or "I never meant to scar your child for life by giving him webbed feet"
But he never actually says that he's sorry for something that he's done, and that is because James lacks that ability. He's sorry that I'm trying to rip his head off,
but he's not sorry for what he said."

Remus reflected on the observation, surprised that Sirius had analyzed it that much. Then again, Remus supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. He had a knack for looking at people and discerning their weaknesses so that he could arm them more thoroughly when backed into a corner. It would only make sense that he did this for everyone, even for his best friend.

Before Remus could wonder about what Sirius saw in him, he shrugged and said, "He was probably afraid you'd refuse and throw things at him if he did. I somehow doubt that you would have behaved any differently if he had really apologized. You do have a tendency to hold a grudge."

"Thank you for the unnecessary and unwanted analyzation of my character," Sirius said testily, his eyes flickering over to Remus in warning. "This isn't a bloody book you know."

Remus knew the look and the tone well enough, so Remus hunched his shoulders and returned to his chocolate for a moment. The pair walked in silence for a moment until Sirius actually looked over at Remus and saw the curve his spine and how lidded his eyes were. Remus had the look of a puppy who had been scolded. And much like a puppy, he would be instantly forgiving when Sirius had the good sense to apologize for snapping.

Sirius almost thought about that time, that time when Remus hadn't forgiven him, but he shoved the memory down. That was betrayal, and Sirius Black was no traitor.

The taller boy sighed and grabbed a chunk of chocolate off the top of Remus's bar. He popped it in his mouth and chewed it as if James Potter's head had somehow wound up in him mouth - viciously and with great pleasure.

"You even chew like you're auditioning for Laurence Olivier," Remus said in a voice that would have been disbelief a few years earlier. "Everything is a dramatic overture. Heaven forbid that Sirius Black act like a common groundling."

"I would have no reservations about being the groundling that assassinated King James," Sirius voiced, narrowing his eyes as if he was picturing it in his mind.

Remus put on his teacher-voice in response. "Sirius, a groundling didn't assassinate King James. He died of tertian ague."

"If you can make up words, I can pretend to assassinate King James," Sirius insisted. "And in case you didn't notice, King James is a thinly veiled reference to James Potter, Head Boy and Ruler of Free Prats."

"Yes, I had gathered that," Remus said, nodding his head in a way that Sirius thought was patronizing. He took another bite of his chocolate bar, leaving only one bite left that he appeared to be attempting to hide from Sirius in case he got any ideas.

Sirius glanced down at the chocolate and then back up at Remus. "Why didn't you let me hit him?"

"Because," Remus began with such resolution that Sirius almost thought he was going to be obnoxious and leave it there. "If you want our plan to work, you have to actually make it look like you at some point plan on forgiving James. If I had let you beat him into a coma, I'm not so sure that we would be believable come Saturday."

Sirius nodded. "Good thinking, oh wise Moony-Doony."

Remus wrinkled his nose. "Sirius, you can't say that I'm clever and then call me 'Moony-Doony.' It defies logic."

Sirius waved his hand dismissively. "Logic... A meaningless detail that is of no use to me."

"You do realize that saying that is akin to making a joke that you've had sex with my mum," Remus said dryly.

"And a fine time she was!" Sirius shouted, winking in a manner that made Remus feel slightly nauseous.

"Why must you make me think of things like that?" Remus moaned, clutching his stomach with one hand and his precious candy bar in another.

Sirius scoffed. "You and your thinking. You know, that's why you're going to make absolutely no money out there in the real world, Moony," Sirius informed him very solemnly. "Because you're an intellectual, and intellectuals always think they're preserving they're intelligence by taking a low-paying job like professor or a librarian or something and spend all of their money on books and tea. That is what your life is going to be like. You will wear tweed and drink lots of tea and never ever do anything kinky or exciting at all because you won't be able to afford it."

Remus nodded. "You're right. I should throw myself off the Astronomy Tower straight away. If only I didn't have such trouble with heights, it would be the perfect way to commit suicide."

Sirius shook his head. "No, you'll enjoy being poor and boring. You're that sort. You'll never be so happy as when you skip a meal so that you can afford some dusty first edition of such and such a book. You'll probably get that same look on your face that you do when you eat chocolate."

"What sort of look is that?"

"Like an incidental orgasm," Sirius said very soberly, making Remus choke a bit when he inhaled. "It isn't exceptionally great because it's rather familiar, but you still get all pant-y."

Remus looked offended. "I do not get pant-y about books."

"You have an unnatural affection for them," Sirius insisted. "I am going to contend straight away that you never ever have children ever because you will forget to feed them."

"I would not forget--" Remus began, slightly insulted.

"No, you really would," Sirius maintained. "You will be too busy organizing your books and stroking them inappropriately and whatever else it is you do when we leave you alone in the library."

"Like reading?" Remus queried.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, you crazy man. Anyway, I can just picture them now, all emaciated and wearing the remnants of potato sacks. They'll up at you pathetically and they will tug at your tweed and say..." Here Sirius trailed off in order to widen his eyes into a look that he thought made him look very innocent and pitiable. Remus thought it just made him look frightening and attempted to look away, but the voice Sirius began to use demanded his attention. "Daddy! Daddy! We are ever so hungry! Please bring home food with you instead of that Dickens book you've been salivating over!"

"Because so many starving children use the word salivating," Remus muttered.

Sirius ignored him and pressed on. "But you won't feed them because you've got a hard on for Dickens. And if that's not the best double entendre I've ever made, then I'll jump off the Astronomy Tower."

"Your child voice is awfully girly, you know," Remus observed.

"It is not!" Sirius gasped, feigning at clutching a strand of nonexistent pearls. "My child voice is very, very manly." He then reached over and plucked the remnants of Remus's slightly melted chocolate from his hand while he was too insulted over Sirius's depiction of his future to react. He then popped it into his mouth, looking very smug.

Remus blinked very seriously. "You know I had just bitten off that chocolate bar, right?"

Sirius hopped up and down a little. Several other people looked disturbed by this, but Remus took it in stride. "Oh, our first indirect kiss! I must remember and cherish this day forever and ever! Of course, we'll both have to because you have to marry me now."

"Do I?" Remus questioned, smiling wryly.

Sirius nodded very gravely. "Yes. It's family law. If a boy kisses me through some edible object, we are instantly betrothed. Way to a Black is through his stomach and all that."

"I don't remember that in the your list of ways to guarantee sex with Sirius Black," Remus said.

Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus as if he had just muddled some basic concept from first year Charms class. "Moony, I said that you had to marry me now. Not have sex. Married people don't have sex. Silly, silly Moony."

"Where do the kids come from then?"

Sirius pointed to the ground. "Hell, of course. How else would you explain the horrors their arrival brings? The governess didn't sleep for months after Reggie was born. Eventually we had to put her down. It was a shame. She had a nice pair of--"

"Here I thought it had something to do with sex," Remus interrupted as they were passing two young Gryffindors. Although they still jumped at his sentence, and Remus realized that it probably would have been better if he had just let Sirius go on. "However was I mislead?"

"It's those backwards books you lust after," Sirius said sagely. "What are they teaching you?"

Remus could do nothing but shrug, smiling a bit to himself in a way that Sirius would ask him about, but Remus kept that information quiet. True, he had lost his chocolate and that was a loss that had been mourned already. But he couldn't help but feel triumphant that he'd managed to get Sirius's mind off of homicidal acts against James Potter. Remus would do just about anything it took to keep Sirius from strangling the other boy, even if it meant hexing him into a tizzy.

After all, how could Sirius have his revenge if James was dead?