All Kidding Aside

Peter was going absolutely bat shit crazy. Or maybe it would be more appropriate for him to go rat shit crazy.

Peter smiled to himself at the thought of his joke even though he knew their current situation did not call for levity of any kind. Of course, he didn't realize that the joke he had just made wasn't that funny and probably would have gotten him pelted with pillows if he had said it aloud. Thus, he very foolishly wished everything was normal so that he could have made the joke and impressed everyone with his quick wit. But then, if things were normal, he wouldn't have felt the need to make the joke in a lame attempt to make himself smile. He just had to smile because he hadn't smiled in what felt like eons. That's the sort of thing that happened when your best mates aren't speaking and you're a part of it even though you didn't DO ANYTHING. You were just sitting there watching it all happen, and then suddenly, you had to pick a side, and of course you picked James's because he is James Potter, and there are two things Peter never questioned: his grandmother and James Potter.

It was Wednesday, and in Peter's opinion, it was the worst Wednesday in the history of the world ever. Never had there been a more depressingly painful Wednesday. Surely no one had ever had to endure the torture of two warring factions sitting in the same room, no one speaking and speaking volumes at the same time.

There was Remus. Tense, rigid, stony Remus. Remus who was clearly stifling everything inside of him because Remus Lupin never exploded. No, Remus bottled things up and let them out once a month as a wolf, and then it didn't really count. Every month, just days before the full moon, Remus's jaw would begin to crack painfully with every yawn. It was a sign that the eruption was coming. Once, it had gotten particularly bad, and he'd forbidden them from accompanying him on the journey for their own personal safety.

They all knew what good that had done them, didn't they?

Remus suddenly looked up, probably because he knew Peter was staring at him. Peter supposed he couldn't blame him because he supposed that if one could stare loudly, Peter Pettigrew would blow out eardrums. Sirius had once told him that his eyes get unnaturally large and his jaw unhinges. If breasts were involved, there would often be drool dribbling down his chin along with a lot of unsavory, practically pornographic heavy breathing. Peter often got hit when he stared at people.

Embarrassed and feeling as if Remus somehow knew what night he had been thinking of and knowing how treacherous it was for him to think of that even if they weren't speaking, Peter looked away. Remus wasn't really more powerful than him like James and Sirius were. Peter didn't defer to him out of respect or silently worship and idolize him or anything like that. However, Peter was now more aware than ever of Remus's strength and Remus's deadliness and Remus's great, cracking jaws, and he couldn't help but dwell on the fact that Remus was so very, very big while Peter is so very, very small on those nights of fur and debauchery. Therefore, Peter did not stare at Remus anymore and hoped that Remus could read minds like Peter sometimes thought he could. Someone that smart just has to be able to read minds, really. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

So, Peter stared at James. James was different. While Remus was so tense Peter often thought that he had transfigured himself into a statue or some such, James's silence was full of movement. He twitched. He fidgeted. His head would jerk in Remus's general direction as if he was on the brink of saying something either terribly profound or terribly angry. He even looked as though he were about to get up and go to him on several occasions. He did not doubt James had intentions of hugging/beating/yelling/weeping pathetically, but he restrained himself for the sake of his manhood and Peter's sanity. Peter didn't think he could handle James Potter weeping pathetically. He'd had a nightmare about it once and was absolutely incoherent for weeks afterwards.

Peter knew that James was sad about very sudden loss of his two best friends. He also knew that James was quickly reaching the point where he was getting a right bit furious with the both of them. Sirius was being overly sensitive and therefore ridiculous. And Remus was equally ridiculous for not being sensible and smoothing things over by pointing out that Sirius was being ridiculous.

He and James had sat up the night before and marveled at this behavior. Remus was so level-headed and loyal to all of them. They couldn't imagine why he was suddenly favoring Sirius. After all, if he wasn't bent, why did he owe Sirius more than the rest of them? Peter had suggested that perhaps Sirius had a way of hypnotizing people with his shiny hair, but James had quickly nixed that idea by hitting Peter over the head with the latest issue of Witch Weekly.

Peter turned and caught sight of himself in the mirror, so he stared at that for awhile. Like most people, he then continued to look at his reflection even though he did not find himself particularly attractive and never understanding why his reflection was so fascinating. However, he did not analyze himself for he was not one for introspection.

Instead, he cast his eyes toward the door and watched as it flew open with relish, harkening in the majestic and wondrous figure of one Sirius Black. Peter happened to notice that Sirius's silences were quite loud as the door banged open and then banged shut, his combat boots trampling about and making the whole room shake and tremble with the essence of Sirius Black. Then Sirius flopped down on the bed and rested his chin on Remus's shoulder, which really did nothing to dissuade James and Peter from the issue that started the damn fight in the first place.

"Whatcha reading?" Sirius asked loudly, making it perfectly clear that he would accept no one else into the conversation.

"Anna Karenina," Remus responded in a distracted tone. "I've become quite the fan of Russian classics actually. I'm going to raid the library for more Tolstoy just as soon as I have the time."

Sirius snorted, removing himself from Remus and splaying himself on the bed in what Peter thought would have been a very appealing matter had he himself been... like that. "You and your books. It's just ink on paper, Moony. Don't see how it can get your rocks off so bloody much."

Remus smiled in his calm, mysterious, oh-so-Remusy way. "Because, it's just ink on paper, Pads. It's so marvelously simplistic really. I'm just fascinated by the power of words and their ability to--"

"To bore me into an early grave, mate." Sirius proceeded to roll of the bed, landing in a way that made Peter wince painfully and then look away in case they noticed him emoting.

"Really, I mean I know we're trying to fill this dreadfully awkward silence, but I'd rather you read your Potions essay that you finished in advance AGAIN, you great tit."

James finally popped. Although, instead of having it out with the two of them like Peter expected, he pulled his shoes on violently and stomped out the door. He no doubt muttered something about going to see Lily, but Peter couldn't hear him over the pounding of his abnormally large feet. He opened the door, snapping at the manner in which it squeaked at him, convinced it was some sort of veiled insult. He did not slam it behind him, but walked off in such a way that was somehow worse than that.

Peter swallowed as James left. He had now been left alone with his enemies. Not that he wanted them to be his enemies, but they really were his enemies now because James had said so without actually saying so. He had made the sentiment clear by the way he had stopped breathing whenever Remus turned a page in a book or Sirius fixed his hair. It wasn't that it caught in his throat or anything like that. No, it came to a screeching halt. It reminded Peter of how he had managed to stop his broom the first time he had ever mounted one. There was still a dent in eastern wall of the castle.

Peter slowly turned to look back at Remus and Sirius, the latter of whom was glaring dangerously, dark eyes smoldering in a fashion he must have picked up from his mother. Peter almost accidentally transfigured into a rat, something he had done quite often in the early days when he was nervous or scared. He had once vanished right in front of Professor McGonagall. She hadn't been the slightest bit worried about him, immediately giving Sirius and James detention for the incident even though they hadn't done anything. For once. Still, they'd been good mates and took the blame as Remus subtly slipped Peter into his pocket, righting him just as soon as the class was over. Sirius had laughed for a full ten minutes while James explained that it was just as well. There was so much they were never punished for after all.

But now, Sirius wasn't being a good mate. None of them were being very good mates. Instead they were feuding and Peter still wasn't sure what the whole thing was about anyway. All he knew was, he had been placed opposite Remus and Sirius, and James wasn't around to save his skin if things got ugly.

Peter gulped so hard that his throat hurt afterwards. His lower lip trembled as he tried to speak, but it only came out in several squeaks.

Sirius snorted, tossing his hair slightly. "And they think we're poufters."

Then sounds started coming out of Peter's mouth that sounded very much like words. This terrified Peter because the last thing he wanted to do was talk to Sirius or Remus (mostly Sirius), but his mouth was acting without his consent. He tried to look down and glare at it or stare at it in horror (he couldn't decide which was more appropriate and neither one was terribly original), but this proved to be physically impossible.

"It's not like that, Sirius. Honest. James is just... Well, you know how he is and it isn't as if we actually meant it and we really don't think you're a liar, Sirius.
You only tell fibs to the professors and they don't really count because it's all in good fun, and--"

"Peter, you're really not helping the situation," Remus advised him coolly. "Perhaps you should leave."

Peter took this as nothing more than a suggestion. His momentary fear of Remus had subsided. It was hard to remember how strong he was considering how frail he seemed overall. It was much easier to remember that Sirius could beat him to a bloody pulp, especially when he curled up his fists and bared his teeth like he was doing at that precise moment.

His voice leapt up several octaves, but he didn't budge. He wasn't sure if that Gryffindor bravery was kicking in or if he was too terrified to move. Either way,
Peter hated himself just a little bit more in that moment. "Please, if you'd just talk to James, I'm sure he could--"

"Oh, yes!" Sirius shouted, clapping his hands together and leaping to his feet. He began pacing, and Remus actually put down his book, knowing that not even he would be able to tune out this next performance. "Let us please talk about all of the things James Potter could do to make this situation worse!"

Peter was quite confused. "Actually, that wasn't really where I was going with that."

Sirius ignored him grandly, turning up his nose in a way that reminded all of them of his unfortunate relation to Narcissa. "There really aren't many things he could do to incur my wrath even more. But let's try! He could say that I stole one of his socks, which would momentarily anger me until I remembered that I actually did it. So, that won't work... There's always cheating off his homework, but he lets me do that half the time anyway. That doesn't matter to either of us. No, I have to think of something big. Because only the big things will make me crazy. I am in fact a very calm man."

"Your raving is a perfect illustration of that, Padfoot," Remus informed him serenely. He looked as though he almost wanted to be sympathetic to Peter, but was deciding against it.

Peter didn't understand why more people didn't consider him pitiable.

Sirius continued walked up and down the room until he danced around, flailing his arms as if he was snatching a fly out of the air. "I've got it! He could accuse me of incest!"

Peter turned green. He hoped he wasn't about to hear something unpleasant about the nightly activities of the Black clan again. The subject came up entirely too much for his liking.

Sirius nodded. "Yes. That's always a good one. Matter of fact, I'm surprised Lily wasn't curious about my family relations as well. It's no secret that Bellatrix has a rather odd sexual appetite, and it certainly would explain my promiscuity if it were true. Hell, Bellatrix would do it with a tablecloth if it had the proper anatomy. And it would certainly make me angry. And of course you'd just sit there nodding stupidly because you agree with everything that comes out of James Potter's mouth because he's the god of all things on high! He's omniscient! All-knowing! All-seeing! Perfection encapsulated in a bony frame! He's so great you can hardly stand to look at him and never really make eye contact with him. Always staring at his eyebrows because you don't feel worthy of James Potter!"

Peter began scooting back on the bed as Sirius advanced. His eyes were wild. The rat within could sense the seething dog. He was trembling at all of the barking and shouting. He could almost see Padfoot seething and frothing at the mouth, tossing his head back and forth and readying to pounce.

Peter had seen Sirius like this before. It actually didn't take very much to set Sirius off where his friends were concerned. He'd seen many a Slytherin trapped under Sirius's insane glare. He'd seen the bold and the brave crumble under the ranting and more than a few tears shed from the incident. Peter desperately did not want to be one of those people.

Now Remus was feeling a bit of sympathy and began to get to his feet. "Sirius..."

"Well, you know what Peter? You're not worthy of James Potter! You're not worthy of Remus Lupin! You're not even worthy of Sirius Black! You're just a sniveling little coward. The only reason you got sorted into here is because you're too dull for Ravenclaw and the Slytherins would eat you alive. I still say you should be Hufflepuff because you're certainly nothing if not loyal! At least to "Jesus" James Potter you are!"

"Sirius." Remus was sounding sterner now.

"You don't have an original thought in your head. It's only James in there. He's your world Peter. You're not even human. You're a mouse! You don't even have the dignity of rat! You're just a little frightened mouse looking up at humans and thinking they're God! Pesky tag-along James and I didn't even want in the first place, but you snuck around, followed us, and now he's stuck with you! And you just don't understand that no one wants you, and no one will ever want you, you ruddy stupid son of a--"

Sirius began to reach forward and grab at Peter or perhaps take a swing at him, but Remus finally acted. He caught Sirius's wrist, but didn't seem to be holding it very tightly. Still, Sirius made a show as if he was.

Remus looked down at Peter, his eyes no longer betraying the slightest bit of empathy. "You should go now."

Peter still didn't move. He was paralyzed, staring up at Sirius. He looked at his eyebrows, not his eyes.

"Should I go get James to tell you to move?" Sirius snapped.

"That's enough," Remus told him softly. He turned back to Peter. "I will let him go if you're not out of here in ten seconds."

Remus never even began counting. Peter just bolted from the room, not bothering to close the door behind him. Sirius did it for him. Loudly.

Peter remained in the hallway, shaking violently. Once he was certain that the door had been secured with a flip of the lock, Peter leaned his entire body weight against the door. He slid down it, always finding that it was easier for him to think when he was closer to the ground. It afforded him a better view of things. And possibly an opportunity to listen at the door.

However, Peter couldn't hear them from within, so he rightly assumed that they'd cast a silence charm. No doubt they'd figured he would eavesdrop. It was what he was best at really. He'd been good at it before his Animagus form had been discovered, and it was probably what lent him to it.

He had always known that being on the receiving end of one of Sirius's raving tirades would not have been pleasant. But he'd never known just how horrible it was to be pinned with those eyes and have that voice running over and over again in his head. He had never heard Sirius be so nasty to anyone, not even to Snape. Then again, as much as Sirius hated Snape, he didn't know him. He knew Peter and he knew just how to hurt him.

Peter balled up both of his fists. That's what he always heard from the others, all the time. They told him that he was useless, that there was no point to him being with James and Sirius and Remus. Well, they didn't tell him exactly. He heard it from their eyes, from the way they looked at him when he was with his friends. And sometimes he did hear them because Peter Pettigrew heard more than anyone was supposed to.

It hurt, knowing he wasn't good enough. All his life he'd wanted to be smart like Remus or suave like Sirius or just bloody amazing like James. He'd always longed for that ease and that wit and that human perfection the three of them so easily attained. But he didn't have it, so he sponged. And he knew he did that. He soaked up as much as he could in hopes that eh could be like them. But he was still dull and lumpy and hopeless at everything.

But they still liked him.

Well, it used to be they liked him.

It was bad enough that Remus was no longer sympathetic to Peter and that Sirius seemed to no longer enjoy Peter's company, but lately Peter was thinking James was just putting up with him. He was all that James had left. A part of Peter had almost been glad that Sirius was temporarily out of the picture. He had James all to himself. Now he could be like James's new Sirius. It had been thrilling to think about.

But he wasn't. He was still the tag along. He was still the boy that just followed James Potter around. The one James Potter was really too nice to spurn and who he did like well enough. But he could never be like Sirius was with James. He should have known it from the beginning. He should have known they wouldn't be planning pranks or getting drunk or talking in code language like James and Sirius. Because they were James and Peter and James and Peter didn't do things like that. All they ever really did was talk about Sirius and, to a lesser extent, Remus. Them and that fight was all that James could think about. It was worse than when he'd first started dating Evans.

It wasn't how he wanted it to be, but Peter didn't care. He had some of James's attention. He'd supposed he'd have to make do with that.

But he secretly resented that. And it had been bothering him, secretly resenting James.

So, he came up with a solution.

He would openly resent Sirius and Remus.

Everything was their fault anyway. They were the ones who were too bloody sensitive about the lying bit. It didn't even matter. It was just James shooting his mouth off because he was James. But no, they'd both decided to take it to heart. And now no one was happy and no one was speaking to each other and no one was around to hear his terribly funny jokes and it was really annoying Peter.

Besides, Sirius should never have said those things to him. No one should have. Sometimes, when Peter was feeling very depressed or angry in the dark of the night, he would contemplate the concept of revenge. It was an idea the Marauders all whole-heartedly supported. It was always about retaliation and defending honor and such. And sometimes Peter would think about how he could get revenge on everyone who had ever thought him unworthy. Sometimes he would think about silly pranks and others he would think of blood. He found the latter much more satisfying.

Yes, if Peter Pettigrew ever took revenge, it would certainly be sweet.

But he probably wouldn't. Actually, he probably couldn't. Not really. He would just make do with the merry pranking, laughing at their misfortune and feeling quite satisfied with that.

Peter was sure that he would eventually forgive Sirius for what he said.

But he certainly would never forget it.

-----

Had Remus not cast the Silencing Charm just after Sirius slammed the door, Peter would have heard the following conversation.

Remus lowered his wand, sticking it smartly in his pocket. He looked at Sirius out of the corner of his eye, waiting until his breathing patterns seemed to become normal again and his posture relaxed. Once he was certain that Sirius was calming down, he folded his arms across his chest and strode forward to stand next to him. He rocked back and forth on his heels and said, "To quote the immortal words of Sirius Black uttered on the day prior to the fourth full moon in our first year, 'I wish you'd told me you were on the rag. I wasn't prepared for that outburst.'"

Sirius laughed, but his heart wasn't in it. "Why, Remus Lupin, that was positively vulgar even if it was just repeated. Whatever would your mother say?"

"Nothing I expect," Remus responded lightly. "She's still trying to regain her speech from the time you remarked on how often my parents, and I quote, "must have done the naked pretzel" given my mother's... ample assets."

"Your dad certainly found it amusing."

"Just because he spit out his brandy does not mean that he was amused."

"I was amused by the look on your face after he did it."

"That might have something to do with the fact that my father's saliva and cheap alcohol were both in my eye. It was disgusting."

With that, it was decided that what had just transpired would not be discussed. They both had more important things to talk about anyway.

Sirius smiled, turning and walking over the window. He looked out at the grounds of Hogwarts, catching a glimpse of Lily Evans running over to James Potter and throwing her arms around his neck. He returned the embrace, though it seemed as if he couldn't decide whether or not to let his arms flop about like a wet noodle or hold onto her tightly, wanting to never let go. In the end, he chose the wise direction of the middle ground and simply hugged her. Then the two went off to do whatever it was they did when they were alone. Sirius did not doubt that were Peter not still sitting outside the door, he would follow them, thus ruining whatever it was they wanted to do.

"We're going to get them good, aren't we?" Sirius questioned as Remus once again stood at his side.

"Yes," Remus agreed, leaning forward on his elbows and following Sirius's gaze. "Yes, I do believe we are."

Sirius smiled broadly and with the slightest hint of malice. "Good."

Remus looked over at him, recognizing Sirius's vindictive streak. He shifted uncomfortably and said, "Sirius?"

"Yup?"

Remus wanted to ask him something, but he wasn't entirely sure what. He perhaps wanted to ask if maybe he was taking this too seriously. Or if he was getting just a bit too invested. Maybe he wanted to flat out tell him that he was treating this more as a vendetta than a practical joke. Remus was beginning to fear that somehow this not speaking or yelling was just Sirius being angry and reminding everyone that deep down, a part of him was very much like the clan he came from. And Remus felt horrible for thinking that, but there was something in Sirius that terrified Remus because it reminded him of himself. The beast within. The dark rage. It made Remus wonder if perhaps it would get him in trouble someday and if maybe he should call his best friend on it now before everything spiraled out of control.

"You gonna say something any time there, Moony?" Sirius asked, raising a brow.

But then Remus told himself he was being silly and Sirius was just high-strung. He was angry, and he had a right to be angry. It would fade the moment the joke was executed. This wasn't malicious. It was all in good fun.

"I was just amazed by the way your hair catches the sunlight," Remus remarked easily. "Do you buff it or something? It's just so shiny and really quite distracting."

Besides, if Remus said anything like that to Sirius, he'd lose him too.

"I heard Peter ask James if he thought it hypnotized you," Sirius told him. "I'm beginning to think the old chap was right."

"Again, shiny."

"Since when have you been distracted by shiny things?"

Remus shrugged. "Maybe I caught it from Peter."

Sirius gasped, clutching at his chest as if his heart was going to leap out of his chest. "Why, Remus! I knew it! I just knew that you were cheating on me!"

Remus sighed, utterly woebegone. "I should have known I'd get caught sooner or later. Damn the luck!"

"Don't you love me anymore?" he questioned, his lower lip trembling tragically.

"It's not about love, Sugarpants," Remus informed him solemnly, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "I just couldn't resist Peter. Those eyes too big for his head with the perpetually surprised expression. And the fat rolls - oh, the fat rolls nearly did me in! Finally, one day I just couldn't take it anymore so I took him.
It was so beautiful. There he was, walking in front of me by the lake, his butt wiggling so beautifully in the moonlight--"

Sirius looked ill. "All right, enough of this. I'm feeling a bit green about the gills."

"I know it's hard, oh former lover of mine, but I need you to hear the truth," Remus pressed. "Just then, the Giant Squid reached out her tentacley arms to grab him and drag him down to her watery bower."

"You are the only man I know who uses words found only in Shakespeare in normal conversation," Sirius told him.

"So I saved him!" Remus continued loudly, illustrating just how long he had been friends with Sirius. "I tore him from the monster's reach and dragged him to safety. And there he laid beneath me, shivering and wet and frightened--"

"And you filled him in a way he'd never been filled before?" Sirius drawled, still looking slightly nauseous.

Remus huffed, mustering as much dignity as he could. "You make it sound ugly. It was beautiful! Beautiful I say! You would have been blinded had you looked upon the scene."

"Because I would have gouged my eyes out," Sirius pronounced with a shudder.

"You would have been moved," Remus insisted.

"To a toilet so I could empty my stomach contents."

With that, Remus playfully smacked him on the shoulder. It was swiftly returned. This went back and forth for quite awhile until Sirius trapped Remus in a headlock. They both went careening over to James's bed, which they promptly fell off, and the wrestling continued with many proclamations of impending glory and most villainous threats.

Meanwhile, Peter had managed to get enough wits about him to peep through the keyhole. He couldn't see very much, but he was certain both Remus and Sirius had fallen on a bed and then rolled off it.

Peter straightened and decided to go as Snape if there was any potion that would burn his eyes out.

"Fairies!" Peter declared, running away from the scene as fast as his pudgy legs would carry him. "Absolutely bent!"