A Kazlikanified Summer

The Insanity of Kazlikan

“Hey, there, Snape-ol’-buddy-ol’-pal!”

The professor flinched as the capricious, ever-annoying Kazlikan Blackstrolled into the room, took a seat at one of the desks, and flung her shoesup to rest on another beside her. There was just no escaping this child.“Go away,” he snapped, trying the menacing, I’m-a-teacher-so-there approachfirst.

Kaz was unfazed. “You know what?” she mused. “You work too much. You need to take a break and...” She leaped atop the desk she was sitting at. “Become Kazlikanified!”

Was there no justice? Snape decided to complete ignore her and try to concentrate on writing the recipe for an Illusion Potion. He knew full-well that he couldn’t do anything to the teenager; she was under complete protection of Rubeus, and he didn’t want to repeat the summer’s earlier events.

The blond let her hands fall to her sides. “No?” she asked in a puzzled voice, then snapped her fingers. “I know exactly what you need!” she exclaimed excitedly, leaping down from her perch.

Oh no, thought Snape, dread gripping him as he attempted to keep his eyes down on the parchment. Here it comes.

“YOU NEED A HUG!”

He finally looked up, and was greeted by the terrifying sight of Kaz leaping towards his desk, arms outstretched, ecstatic grin plastered on her face. Beside himself, he literally shrieked and ducked down behind the desk.

“Oof!” She had misjudged the distance and crashed into the front, whereas Severus was out of there.

He skidded out the door, nearly tripping over his black robe, then proceeded to make a bee line towards the Transfiguration class room. Hopefully Minerva would be there and would have some authority over Kazlikan to force her to stop torturing him.

Kaz was hot on his heels, yelping “Huggy! Huggy!” at the top of her lungs.

“MINERVA!” he screamed, bursting into the room, slamming the door behind him, and startling McGonagall nearly out of her wits. “STOP HER!”

“What on—”

Kazlikan threw the door open a split second later, and it ended up smacking Snape against the wall. “HUG—hey...” She slowed and looked around in bewilderment. “Where’d he go?”

McGonagall stood akimbo in front of the teen. “Are you torturing Severus again?” she asked sternly, an exasperated look in her spectacle-ized eyes.

“Where are you hiding him?”

“ARE YOU TORTURING SEVERUS AGAIN???”

Kaz blinked, then lowered her eyes. “...Yeah...”

“Well, don’t,” the professor ordered. “It intervenes with my work each time he comes running in here shrieking!” She shot a mischievous, side-long look at the door. “Like a two year-old,” she added.

“Don’t push it, McMini,” Snape mumbled into the wood that was plastered against his face.

Kaz crossed her arms, hmphed, then flounced out of the room, grumblingsomething to the effect of: “You’re on my list.”

As soon as the girl was gone, Minerva walked calmly up to the door andpulled it away from the wall, eying the flattened, greasy-haired professoramusedly. “I’ve Transfigured people into pancakes before, but this is ridiculous,” she remarked smugly.

Snape peeled away from the door, brushing himself off furiously. “Why the hell does Rubeus let her roam the grounds like this?” he demanded. “He knows she indulges in torturing me!”

She spread her hands helplessly before her. “Search me! Of course...heisn’t very fond of you...” Then she grinned; it was too hard not to. “No one’s fond of you...Servi.”

Snape shot her a disdainful look. “That hasn’t really anything to do with my real name...and you do know that means ‘slave’ in Latin, don’t you?”

“Of course,” Minerva replied loftily. “You, my personal slave of amusement.”

“And do you know what ‘McMini’ means?!” he snapped, throwing up his arms. They hung in midair for a moment as he hesitated. He let them fall to his sides. “Absolutely nothing,” he finished in a grumble, turning on his heel and stalking from the room.

§ § § § § § §

“Snape’s being an old fart-head again,” was the complaint of Kazlikan as she entered the hut of Hagrid’s.

The giant nearly knocked the bucket of mead sitting on the table to the ground in his surprise. “There yeh are!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been waitin’ for yeh fer hours! Weren’t yeh gonna have lunch?”

“Had it at Albus’s office,” she replied, brightening. “He let me have Muggle sweets!...something called Ho-ho...”

Hagrid gave her a baffled look. “Well, while yeh were at Dumbledore’s...” He raised his dark, bushy eyebrows expectantly.

Her one blue eye and other green sparkled mischievously as she leaned against the doorway. “He’s agreed to test me before the week’s out!” she burst out finally, unable to contain herself.

With a roar of approval, Hagrid leaped to his feet and wrapped her up in a gigantic hug, lifting the equally thrilled, but now a little winded, blond up off the ground. “I knew it!” he bawled, now shedding large tears of happiness all over the floor. “Yer so smart, yeh’ll show th’ other firs’ years!”

Kaz fought her way out of his grip, shaking her head excitedly. “No, no!” she countered. “This test is to find out if I can transfer to a higher year than first!”

Hagrid looked shocked. “Yeh mean he’d let yeh in wi’ the four’ or whatever years, even though yeh’d hadn’t started wi’ firs’?” He stared for a few moments, then threw his arms around her again, howling even louder than before. “MY LITTLE LOQUI’S GONNA BE AT HOGWARTS!”

Certainly, Kazlikan was as happy as he was about this, but at the moment her face was rather blue, and it was still several minutes afterward before she fully caught her breath and regained the power of speech.

§ § § § § § §

Albus Dumbledore was busy staring fondly at a box of Hostess when there was a knock at the door. He didn’t even glance up. “Come in.”

The tall doors creaked open and Severus Snape slipped inside, lips pressed tightly together. “Headmaster...we need to talk.”

The old wizard leaned back in his chair. “Of course, Severus. Ho-ho?”

Snape looked startled. “Excuse me?”

Dumbledore continued to hold out his arm, extending a little chocolatecake towards the Potions master. “Would you like a Ho-ho?” he rephrased.“Delightful little things; though I admit I prefer Little Debbie.”

After another few seconds of silence, Snape made a slashing motion with his hand. “No thank you,” he said curtly. “I’m here about the child Rubeus lets run amok about the school—”

“Ah, Kazlikan!” Dumbledore cut in, clapping his hands together. “She was just here a few hours ago; we were discussing when to hold the test...” He trailed off, obviously realizing that Severus couldn’t have been there to praise the child, nor would he be thrilled to know she would be enrolled inHogwarts. “What about Kazlikan?” he finally relented to saying.

“She’s a downright menace,” was the instant, snapped response. “She follows us all to the ends of the earth, never leaving us to our important work...especially me,” he added vehemently.

“Oh dear,” Dumbledore muttered before clearing his throat. “Er...Severus, you must know who she is, after all...but you don’t...so never mind. Anyway, I hear that Hagrid doesn’t take well to...people criticizing the child...”He wavered at Snape’s furious expression. “But I promise I’ll try and gether out of your—” He broke off with a barely concealed snort; the sugar andthe Ho-ho cakes were taking their hold. “—hair,” he finally finished, handclamped over his mouth.

The professor shot a poisonous look at the Headmaster, unable to keep his fingers from tugging at a particularly slippery lock of his greasy, long hair.“No need,” he said shortly, seething to himself. “I’ll speak to Hagrid personallyon the matter.” And with that he turned on his heel and strolled from theroom.

Albus, who had gone quite red in the face, pulled his fist from his mouth and burst into hysterics.

§ § § § § § §

It was nearing the evening as Severus stole across the grounds of Hogwarts towards Hagrid’s hut near the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and it was gradually growing darker, the lower sun casting his shadow as a long, demonic shape sliding along behind him. Actually, with his thin frame and wildly billowing robes, it looked more like a dancing ostrich.

He reached the front door, poised his hand to knock, then hesitated. The summer’s earlier events were all too clear in his mind...

He knocked.

An insanely loud “WOOF” announced that Fang was probably going mad with excitement, but as Snape hadn’t remembered the boarhound’s existence, he wasn’tprepared when the door burst open.

The huge, black dog bounded out and bowled over the tall Potions Master, romping around in circles only to return like a magnet to where Snape lay on the ground in shock. Of course, when saliva cascaded from the creature’s droopy jowls and splattered all over his face, the professor went nuts.

“GET THIS DAMN THING OFF ME!!!”

Hagrid was in no hurry as he exited the cabin and calmly wrapped his arms around the massive dog’s belly, lifting him while Fang tried in vain to reach Snape’s face with his long, dripping tongue and happy licks, scrabbling his paws and nearly tearing the black robes to shreds in the process.

Severus staggered to his feet, removing sticky spit from his face withhis long fingers, hair not in the usual greasy state and more on end as ifelectrocuted. “Rubeus!” he fumed, wringing his hands. “I hate dogs!”

“So sorry there!” was the half-giant’s cheerful reply, still clutchingFang close to his chest to prevent him from reaching the deranged professor.“Can’ hardly control ‘im, never!” He pushed the door all the way open withhis foot as he went back inside. “Come in, come in.”

Snape didn’t move. “That beast will remain out here,” he hissed, though his menacing approach was ruined by his heaving chest and panting.

Hagrid shrugged, tossed Fang to the floor, who began to streak towardsSeverus, then grabbed the other man by the shoulder and jerked him inside,narrowly escaping the dog’s wrath and unfortunately pulling Snape off ofhis feet. The door slammed shut. “There we go!” he beamed. “Cen I get yeha drink?”

Severus was too breathless to say a word, and nearly collapsed in the chair Hagrid pulled out for him. When Hagrid set a platter full of treacle fudge beside the tea kettle on the table, however, he found his voice. “This—won’t take—long,” he wheezed, waving a hand. “No fudge—please...”

The gamekeeper poured a generous amount of tea into a cup; it looked rather green. “So, what brings yeh here?” he asked brightly, pushing it towards him.

This was certainly false friendliness. Their previous encounter, whichhad occurred just after school had let out for the summer, hadn’t been apleasant one. At least one of them was determined to make this one...better.

Snape was finally regaining proper breathing, and he took up the tea after a moment of prolonged hesitation. “I’d like to discuss...the matter of Kazlikan...” he began, recovered enough to acquire an icy tone. “Where is she?” he added suddenly, glancing over his shoulder as though she was ready to spring a surpriseattack.

“Oh, I dunno, around,” Hagrid answered lightly, a rather forced smile beneath his bushy beard and moustache. “Yeh know, I’ve told yer ‘fore—”

“It is getting out of hand,” Snape cut in in a dangerous voice, gripping his cup tightly. “I can’t have that child interfering with my work. She needs—”

“Are yeh gonna drink tha’ stuff?” Hagrid cut in irritably. “An’ no, I’m not keepin’ her in me hut all day an’ nigh’ jus’ because yeh don’ want ‘er aroun’!”

“I speak for all the teachers!” Severus snapped. “They all wish to seeher...er, safely out of the way while we prepare for next year, andas you know, the child has picked me out for a target in her dailyannoyance—”

“If yeh need t’ know, Dumbledore’s already booked ‘er for next year!” Hagrid bellowed, standing up so suddenly his chair scraped loudly against the floor. “An’ most o’ the teachers’ll be thrilled t’ have her aroun’ at Hogwarts!”

The professor stared back, dumbfounded. His ears hadn’t deceived him. He blinked, then looked, still wide-eyed, down at his cup of greenish tea. “Er...” He glanced up. “I don’t suppose you have any brandy to go with this?”

§ § § § § § §

McGonagall was sitting peacefully in one of the chairs of the staff room when tiny old Professor Flitwick burst in with a shout of “McGONAGALL!” She jumped, her cocoa splashing all over her favorite Gryffindor robe. “Oh, curse it,” she grumbled, standing and watching the chocolate dribble down her front.

“Sorry,” Flitwick apologized as he hurried over, still beaming. “But guess what I’ve heard! Sinistra got it from Pomfrey, who heard it from Sprouts whentending to her burn, who had been talking to Trelawney when she was distractedby what she said about what she had seen in her crystal ball—Kazlikan might be enrolling at Hogwarts next year!”

After taking a second to track, Minerva clapped her hands joyfully together. “Wonderf—augh!” she moaned as she realized that she had been holding the mug again; the rest of the drink went flying all over a bright green robethat was draped over a nearby chair, the only one in that color Snape owned,incidentally.

And speaking of incidents, the Potions master himself strolled into the room at that very second. He was holding a mostly empty flask of Hagrid’s best brandy.

The three teachers froze.

“I’ll just go and, ah, continue spreading the good word,” Flitwick stammered, bustling from the room and avoiding Snape’s face as he left.

This left the two Heads of Gryffindor and Slytherin standing, separated by five chairs, a level of cleanliness, and about .6 on the BAC.

“Why do...” Minerva trailed off. “That is...er...”

Snape was equally illiterate, maybe for other reasons. “I...euh...you have...” He gestured to his own robes.

McGonagall, still staring at the container in his hand, slowly brushedthe now-absorbed-into-her-cloak liquid that ran down her front. “Where did...who gave...umm...”

“Is that...on my rogue—uh—robe...”

“Silly accident...but you...”

“At the hut...treacle fudge...”

“Flitwick...I jumped...”

“Shower...damn dog...”

“Kazlikan—”

“Kazlikan—”

They both stopped and stared some more.

“I’ll just take your robe to the laundry room—”

“I’ll just put this away—”

They passed each other briskly, with McGonagall leaving with his greencloak in a hurry, and Snape tripping over a chair on his way to the winecupboard.

§ § § § § § §

“Hohohohoho!” Dumbledore giggled, chucking the little chocolate cakes aroundthe room.

SPLAT! went one against a cabinet.

SPLAT! went one against Fawkes’s cage, causing the phoenix to squawk.

The door opened.

SPLAT!

“Arck!” McGonagall yelped, luckily having shielded herself with Snape’s robe. “Albus, what are you doing?!”

The Headmaster froze, then leaped back into his chair from on top of the desk. “Why Minerva!” he greeted breathlessly, closing up the Ho-ho box. “My, these things liven one up!”

“I can see,” she answered stiffly, looking disdainfully around the slightly-messed-up room. “And where may I ask did you obtain these?”

“What is the problem, my dear Professor?” Albus hurried on, folding his hands before him on the desk.

“First of all, this robe was stained, but I fixed it, so I’d like it if you could return it to Severus...” She trailed off, staring at the brown crumbs and smeared cream across the sleeve of the green cloak. Biting her lip to keep from screaming, she went on. “And second, I think you may want to reconsider accepting Kazlikan.”

“Whyever should I?” Dumbledore asked in genuine surprise.

McGonagall threw up her hands, the robe with them. “Because Snape willgo insane if you let her in!” she shouted. “He hates her just as much ashe despises Harry! I ran into him tonight and he was carrying a bottle—”

She was interrupted as the Headmaster burst out laughing.

“It’s not funny!” she exclaimed angrily.

Dumbledore thought otherwise, obviously, and tears were running down from behind his spectacles as he tore open the box for another cake. He pushed it into his still laughing mouth, trying to stop long enough to swallow it.

“Imagine if he were drunk during classes!” she tried. “I’m sure that psychotic child could drive him to it; I mean, come on, Albus, he had very nearly finished off a flask of brandy—”

He snorted and Ho-ho went flying every-which-way.

Time to give up. McGonagall fled from the room just as the loony old wizard resumed target-practice with his precious Ho-ho's.

§ § § § § § §

Minerva exited the laundry room, where the magical washer/dryer systemhad once again left Snape’s robe clean and fresh and smelling (she supposedPeeves was behind this) of maple syrup (presumably from the pancakes eatenthat morning.) She held it like an offering to a god before her, struttinginto the wide hallway—

When Fang the boarhound appeared out of nowhere and gallumphed straight towards the Transfiguration teacher.

McGonagall shrieked as giant paws knocked her to the ground, and as Fang took up the robe in his massive jaws and raced on. He dropped it just before turning the corner.

As the running feet subsided, another pair replaced it, and from her upsidedown position on the floor, the professor could see Kazlikan skid around the corner Fang had just disappeared into.

“Are you all right!” the blond exclaimed, helping Minerva to her feet.

“Where’s the cloak?!” she demanded wildly, not answering the question.She broke away from Kaz and hurried over to where the green piece of clothing lay on the floor several meters away.

She picked it up.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

It was covered in slobber.

“Is that Snape’s?” the girl wondered, eyes lighting up at the sight ofit.

“NOW I NEED TO WASH IT AGAIN!”

“I’ll take it back to him!”

“THIS’LL BE THE THIRD TIME!”

“Heck, I’ll even wash it for you!”

“GOOD IDEA!” Without even realizing the hundred things that were boundto go wrong with Snape and Kazlikan in the same room, she tossed it at theblond and stormed off, muttering, “Where’s that brandy when you need it?”

Kaz grinned deviously, clutching the robe to her breast.

§ § § § § § §

Flasks and beakers and bottles of whiskey, vodka, liqueurs, gin, rum, brandy,red and white wine, akvavit, and tequila lined the table in the assembly lineSeverus had set up. He took up a measuring tube, squinted, then poured in14mL of vodka. He tipped it into a vat of something other than alcohol. Apuff of vile green smoke appeared, and with a slight frown he carefully took up the tequila...poured a drop into a flask...held it slowly upto the light...

“SNAPE!”

The Mexican drink splattered all over the table and Snape’s face, and the beakers fell from his hand and smashed to the floor. Before he could swear, the spluttering professor found himself being advanced upon by—

Kazlikan threw her arms around him, completely ignoring the green cloak that was tossed aside. “SNAPEYKINS!!!!” she squealed, crushing him.

A squeak emitted from the Potions master; he was a cross between terrified and enraged beyond belief. A vein throbbing on his forehead, he opened his mouth to scream at her, but only the squeak had issued.

The door slammed again; it seemed that McGonagall had realized the dangers of setting Kaz loose and had come running. She stopped dead when she saw Severusbeing squeezed to death by the teenager. Then she saw the cloak.

“DON’T LEAVE IT NEAR THE—” she began to howl, leaping forward, when Snape finally grasped that he was being hugged.

With a shriek, he managed to take ahold of his wand, and in a flash ofscarlet light Kazlikan was thrown backwards into the table.

The whiskey smashed, leaking out all over—

“THE GODDAMNED CLOAK!” Minerva wailed, snatching it up. “WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO ME?!?!”

“Ow,” the blond added, sitting stunned on the floor.

Snape had backed up into a chair and was clutching the back of it withone hand for dear life, the other pointing a shaking wand at Kaz. “Never—!” he gasped, trembling with rage and horror. “NEVER—hug—me—again!!!”

“I HATE THE WASHING THING, IT NEVER DOES THE WORK PROPERLY—”

“But I like hugging!”

“NEVER!”

“WHY AM I EVEN WASHING THIS FOR HIM ANYWAY—”

“YOU NEED HUGS!”

“ACCIO!”

This last shout had come from Snape, who was pointing his wand at the table of liqueurs. A particularly large bottle of red wine shot towards him so quicklythat instead of him catching it, it bonked him over the head.

Both McGonagall and Kazlikan fell silent.

“And I wouldn’t have thought the wine’d be strong enough to put him out,” remarked a voice from a door. “You’d expect the whiskey to do that.”

Dumbledore, leaning casually against the frame, Hostess box under his arm.

Minerva heaved a great, loud sigh. “If things couldn’t get any worse...”

Kazlikan leaped to her feet. “There you are!” she exclaimed. “We need to see which year I’ll be in—”

She was interrupted as Dumbledore pulled out his wand and yelled, “Obliviate!” A flash of light, and the teenager was standing in the middle of the room with a dreamy expression on her face. He pocketed it in his robes, looking somewhat disappointed. “Oh dear, this is too bad,” he sighed unhappily. “But I promised Severus I’d make it stop.”

“What are you going to do?” McGonagall asked sharply, temporarily backto her normal self.

Dumbledore waved a hand. “Oh, not much. I’ll just wipe out her memory of ever bothering our poor Potions master in an annoying fashion this past summer. It may be all for the best; if she’s to go here, we don’t want Severus to go off his rocker.”

Minerva opened her mouth, abashed.

She was not even noticed. “I mean, he hates little Harry. Another person would drive him insane.” He gazed down at Snape, sprawled out on the floor with the bottle beside him. “Hm. Seems he was near already.”

The other professor decided she wouldn’t say anything pertaining to the remarkable likeness between his previous words and what she had said when visiting his office. “So, will there be any side effects to this memory replacement?” she wondered instead, gesturing to Kazlikan.

There was a twinkle in the light blue eyes behind those half-moon spectacles, and the expression he wore was a clearly amused one. “Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if she never touched a drop of alcohol in the years to come, maybe the rest of her life, or if she has the urge to wear light green for the nextfew months...or if she has sudden, strange cravings for Ho-ho's.”