Hairy Pooper and the Kidney Stone

Chapter 2:

"The Non-Existing Glass"

Nearly ten years had passed since the Pugsleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step. Pentiuma fainted on the spot whereas Vermont ran down the street, pulling out his pistol. Alas, he could not find those damn hippies-trekkies. The letter they found with the boy explained everything. The writing was lopsided and uneven, as though the writer was either high or almost rudely stupid – a characteristic of a hippie – and trekkie. Yes, a hippie – and trekkie.

Vermont had told his beloved wife he would not stand such a person in his own house. But then Pentiuma read aloud a certain paragraph as her husband was partly illiterate.

Beware, Mr. and Mrs. Pugsley, for if you do not take Hairy into your care, I have in my ability to permanently attach fake pointy ears to your heads.

Vermont screamed like a girl.

But now, Hairy Pooper was a grown boy, and though he was never allowed within twenty feet of a television, he was growing distinct affection for that Star Trek show... He was just having a very futuristic dream when his aunt's voice broke the silence.

"Get up! Up! It's Loudly's birthday—"

"Photon torpedoes..." mumbled Harry, halfway between dream-land and waking up.

"What's that? What did you say?!" bellowed Pentiuma.

"Nothing, nothing."

"Are you up yet?"

"Nearly."

"Well, get a move on!" She rapped on the door. "I need you to make three filets, bouillabaisse and crepe for Loudly's special day. Oh yeah, and some carrot sticks for you."

Jolly, jolly day! Finally he was allowed more than left-over mayo!

He came out of his cupboard, pulling a cockroach out of his left ear, and entered the kitchen. The top of Loudly' round head was barely visible as a mountain of present towering from the table. The side of his mouth twitched. He carefully bent down and slightly unhinged one of the chair's legs opposite of Loudly, and hurried to the stove.

Loudly, who looked quite like his father to the disgust of his mother, grunted apishly.

Maybe it had something to do with living in a cupboard, or then again maybe it had something to do with being malnourished, but Hairy was always too skinny and way too short for his age. He looked even smaller as he had to wear Loudly's old clothes which were thrice his size, though he found himself strangely attracted to one of his aunt's fluffy pink undergarments. One time, she had caught him wearing them on top of his jeans. He had been given a month in his cupboard for this.

He had rough jet-black hair which grew "all around the place", including parts not usually visible. His eyes were deep green and upon seeing them, his peers at school told him they were good for something he'd find out in the sixth Harry Potter installment – but he didn't bother with such nonsense. Star Trek was enough. But he was very proud of his scar, as people on the street often pointed at it and laughed, which gave him a reason to beat them up or pull something much more devilish. He remembers asking his aunt about it when he was six.

"Your Uncle carved it into your forehead because you were a bad boy," she had said. "And don't ask questions."

Don't ask questions. That was a rule he liked as it gave him an excuse to be almost rudely stupid.

Uncle Vermont entered the room, took Hairy's hand and pushed it into the pan of boiling oil by a way of morning greeting. But Hairy laughed, for his uncle didn't know what was to happen soon enough

"Happy burfday, little tyke!" chortled Uncle Vermont, ruffling his son's hair and sharply pulling his hand back as Loudly bit him hard. "Good reflexes, that's a sport!"

Harry turned to watch. Uncle Vermont, who could scare a medium scale bull with his size, sat on the little stool which broke at once. Vermont swayed and then fell on top of the table and crunching noises broke all across the room.

"My presents! NO!" roared Loudly and jumped across the table onto his father and began punching him. He punched his mother as well as she tried in vain to pull him off his father. After three minutes of this, Hairy was lying on his stomach, banging the floor, tears streaming down his face. It was his best one yet.

People knew strange things tended to happen wherever Hairy Pooper happened to be – but they didn't know he was planning it all along.

One time, his teacher returned his homework with an F. The next day he set one of his uncle's dildos on the teacher's chair – which she didn't notice. Never again did Mrs. Kringle sit in a class containing Hairy Pooper (because she medically couldn't, actually) and never again did Hairy get an F.

Loudly and his bully friends were dead scared of Hairy. It only took Hairy to stare at him and widen his eyes and Loudly just ran screaming out of the room, flailing his arms madly. But he didn't dare scare his uncle and aunt as they often said they would throw him to the streets. So Hairy had to fulfill his evil wishes by small pranks here and there – though they never actually blamed him.

The riot in the kitchen cooled down only after several minutes. Hairy hurried to the stove before they could notice him laughing his guts out.

"We're taking you to the zoo today, pumpkin," Pentiuma cooed, petting Loudly's head. She was talking slowly as though Loudly was partly a retard, which in fact he was although the Pugsleys always lived in denial, and I don't mean the river in Egypt. "Bad news, Vermont dear, Mrs. Freak has broken her leg, again."

She shot Hairy a very dirty look, as if he had planned this all along. In fact, he did. One of his favorite pranks was to find new places to place large stones around Mrs. Freak house, causing her to break a leg every few months. She was almost a cripple by now.

"You can leave me here," suggested Hairy, pretending to be innocent once again.

"Oh yeah? And find the whole house booby-trapped? I don't think so!" Vermont narrowed his eyes at him.

"I won't," said Harry, thinking "Yeah right..."

"No Vermont," sighed Pentiuma, "I think we shall have to take him with us."

"I d-don't w-want him to come!" sobbed Loudly. "H-he'll ruin everything." Real tears streamed down his face. Most boys stopped crying by the age of two – not if you lived with Hairy Pooper.

Hairy stared at him, widening his eyes. Loudly yelped. "Nevermind! He can come! He can come!"

Hairy just couldn't believe his own brilliance as they got into Uncle Vermont's car. They drove across town and reached the Zoo in only a couple of minutes as Uncle Vermont, fearing being in a confined space with Hairy, drove on the sidewalk, top-speed, running over as many people he thought looked hippie – and trekkie.

Loudly was, as usual, bored with anything slightly intellectual, but Hairy was having the time of his life pulling legs and scaring little toddlers out of their wits, yet he was told to stop when a four year old girl fainted in the line for snacks.

Finally, he thought, schemes pouring into his mind, a slightly interesting place – the Reptilian House.

Hairy drew distance from the Pugsleys. He watched Uncle Vermont tap on the glass of what was labeled to be a Boa Constrictor. The creature didn't move. "Stupid thing," muttered Uncle Vermont and walked away.

But then, the snake raised his head and looked towards Hairy. He winked.

Hairy stepped closer and bent forward, but stopped just mid-way as though he couldn't go further.

"I get that all the time," said the snake.

"Yeah, they're kinda stupid," Hairy smiled.

The snake just remained staring for a while, and then said, "Wanna get high?"

"No thank you," retorted Hairy.

"Okay." Silence again, and then – "Wanna get high?"

"No thank you."

"Okay. Wanna—"

"Where you from?" interrupted Hairy. The snake nodded towards a sign nearby.

Boa Constrictor – was found in the womb of a dead and almost totally decomposed 83 year old woman.

"Not such a boring life, ha?"

The snake nodded. "But I want to get to Brazil."

"Why?"

"Because there I can get high."

Figures, thought Hairy.

"MUM! DAD! Look what's Hairy's doing," shouted Loudly. "He's talking to the snake!"

Loudly ran into Hairy, knocking him aside, and leaned forward, trying to press his nose against the glass. But instead he fell into the make-shift forest and screamed as the snake took large bites of his flesh. Hairy couldn't remember a happier day in his life. He made Loudly believe there was glass there!

The snake jumped outside and hissed at the people in the house. Hairy was sure he could hear him muttering, "Brazil – here I come!" as he slithered away, a piece of Loudly's pants in his mouth.

Hairy got four months in the cupboard for this, but he didn't care, as it was his most productive prank day to date. He didn't even know that soon he was about to enter the seven most miserable years of his life.

END OF CHAPTER 2