The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter

Day Nine...Technically - 12:47 AM

Awoke to a "Sound off!" chant.

"I don't know what I been told!" some asshole shouted.

Then a bunch of faggots repeated it.

"Voldemort put me on hold!" Then, "Voldemort put me on hold!"

"I hung up and called again!"

"I hung up and called again!"

"But then he didn't answer the phone!" And, "but then he didn't answer the phone!"

"Sound off!"

"Hate, hate!"

"Sound off!"

"Mate, mate!"

"Hate, hate, mate, mate. Hate, hate! Mate, mate!"

What the hell?

12:55 AM

Pushed myself up to see everyone standing and looking around, worried.

"Did you hear that?" Hermione asked, shivering.

"Yeah, it didn't fucking rhyme."

"No, Harry," Ginny interrupted, "that's a Death Eater chant."

"How'd they know we were up here?" Ron put in, grabbing his wand out of his pocket.

"They could have followed us," Ernie suggested.

"Or heard Harry making lame sexual advances," Ginny offered.

"You say lame," I responded, smiling sexily, "but you mean erotic and satisfying."

"No, I don't."

"Sure."

"Can we stop this, please?" Hermione cried. "We have a situation here!"

"Maybe, we should send someone out to talk to them," Draco thought. "Nose goes."

There was a scramble of nose touching.

"Oh!" I said, pointing. "Neville! It's you!"

"No, it's not! Dean still doesn't have his finger on his nose!"

Dean shrugged. "White man can't tell me what to do."

"Yeah, well, he has a gun."

1:00 AM

We practically had to push Neville out of the cave. He was crying. What a bitch.

Heard some scrambling and shouting outside. Then everything got quiet.

"What do you think's happening?" Ron asked, creeping closer to the entrance of the cave. Ginny followed, trying to see what was going on outside.

"Guys, it's okay!" Neville yelled. "Come out!"

Everyone started to move, but I threw my arm out. "It could be a trap. Luna, go first."

Luna barked (?) and then ran outside.

1:10 AM

"It's okay!" she yelled.

Everyone moved forward, but I threw my arm out again. "It could still be a trap. Someone else go."

Dean volunteered Naomi, and threw the gun outside. It was like slow motion. It was quiet as "she" gracefully soared through the air. And BOOM. The gun hit the ground and fired outside. Neville screamed like the little bastard he is.

"Oh nigger fuckin shit playa hata skatizzle cracker please!!" Dean had evolved to a more retarded way of speaking and everyone started to run toward the cave opening.

"Wait!"

They stopped and turned around.

"It could be a trap."

"Harry, shut the fuck up," Ginny said and lead everyone outside.

1:12 AM

Outside. Chillin with some Death Eaters.

"Yo, so guys, what the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the hell are you guys doing out here?"

"Voldemort was all, 'Go get Harry Potter,' and we were like 'Yeah!' but then we found some weed."

1:14 AM

"So, like, you guys have any more?"

The Death Eater closest to me grinned all slow-like. "Anything for you, Scar-Head."

1:22 AM

Lying down, observing the Heavens.

"You guys ever notice how, how big the moon is?"

Ron giggled. "It's dancing."

I rolled over. "Ron, Ron, Ron, pffff, you're so gone, man. So gone. Like in a galaxy far, far away."

He rolled over to face me. "I am, Harry. But you know what? I feel like I'm talking to God, man. And he's saying, 'Ron, keep it up, Ron. Chin up. Keep muddling through.'"

"Damn good advice."

"Fuck yeah."

"Shit."

"Bitch."

"Sexual intercourse."

"Pfffffff hahaha gross."

12:41 PM

"Harry, wake up!"

Suddenly I was all wet. Hot. But actually, I was wet because Hermione poured water on me. She was all huffy-puffy and, "We're on a mission, Harry, we don't have time for your little drug trips."

"Oh, but we have time to stop by the pharmacy to get medicine for your yeast infection? Okay, Hermione, that's fair."

"Harry! I told you that in confidence!"

5:00 PM

Reached the top of the mountain.

"Does anyone have a flag?" I asked hopefully.

Everyone searched their pockets and then shrugged.

"How are we supposed to mark this mountain as ours?"

"It's not ours," Hermione pointed out pessimistically.

"Yeah, there's like seven other flags up here," Ernie said.

I ripped the flags out, threw them on the ground, and stepped on them.

"Not anymore."

Hermione sighed. "Real mature, Harry."

Ron's face lit up. "Maybe we could pee on the mountain, you know, like dogs. And black people."

5:02 PM

Squattin.

Dean seemed to know what he was doing.

5:04 PM

I claim this mountain in the name of English piss.

5:32 PM

"Dean, how many times have you gotten arrested?"

He started shootin up the place.

"If I wanted Naomi to answer the question, I would've asked her."

6:07 PM

We made camp in another cave and I thought I saw some Indians, but they were really bear poopies. Not sure how I mixed those two up.

6:10 PM

Malfoy won't shut up about the whole Indian/poop thing. Anyone could've made the same mistake. Everyone's just really glad I pointed it out before they did.

Bitch slapped Malfoy.

Ron and I slapped high fives!

7:00 PM

Ate some nutritious canned bread.

"This is complete shit, whose idea was this?"

"Harry, you brought the bread," Ginny pointed out.

Ahaha she's right. I thought it would be funny to make other people eat wet, soggy, canned bread. But then I ate it too.

7:00 and 42 Seconds PM

NOT THAT FUNNYYYY ANYMORE

7:02 PM

Ew diarrhea.

7:45 PM

"Yo, Harry, so what's up with these Horcruxes man?" asked Ron while he flossed his teeth. Hermione smiled approvingly and then licked her lips. Gross.

I looked at him seriously. "What's a Horcrux?"

8:02 PM

Hermione re-explained this Horcrux business.

"Okay, so there's seven Horcruxes. Dumbledore got the ring. And I got the diary."

I grinned around to everyone. Ron and I slapped fives! Malfoy and I slapped fives! Ernie and I slapped fives! Dean shot my shoulder!

8:05 PM

Clutching my shoulder.

"Ow, Dean, seriously! What the fuck, man? What the fuck?"

"Sorry, Harry. It's like a reflex. I thought you were gonna strike me. White man trying to keep me down."

"Don't you have a safety for that or something?"

"There's no safety when there's racists involved."

He raised his fist in the air.

8:10 PM

"Harry, let me heal that for you," Hermione said, all business-like. "Roll up your sleeve."

So I did. And I flexxzed cause Ginny was giving me the eye.

"I kind of look like one of those bad ass bikers, right? They wear leather vests with no sleeves and collect tats like women."

"Harry stop flexing, you have to relax your muscle if you want me to heal it."

"I'm not flexing! This is how it really looks. Shut up, Hermione, you jerk."

8:30 PM

"So back to Horcruxes. We're not sure if the locket has actually been destroyed, since the one you found with Dumbledore was a fake, right?" Hermione asked, filing papers and closing her briefcase. No, I imagined that, jk.

"Right," I replied, watching Malfoy watch Ginny chew her fingernails.

Then Kreacher arrived and told us about Regulus Black and the locket and everything else we needed to know! And then Kreacher got Mundungus? who told us that Dolores Umbridge had the locket!!!

"That was convenient."

"Wow, Umbridge has the locket! That means that we need to break into the Ministry!!!" Hermione yelled, excited for some reason.

"I think all the Horcruxes are in Hogwarts," I said, offering my ALWAYS RIGHT opinion.

"Harry, Kreacher just said Umbridge has the locket," Hermione reasoned.

"So that one isn't in Hogwarts," Ginny added.

"No, I'm positive all the Horcruxes are in Hogwarts. Because Dumbledore taught me everything about Voldemort and I know how he thinks." I tapped my head. "So stop being a know-it-all Hermione."

"I wonder if house-elves can have babies?" Luna asked dreamily.

Malfoy slapped her and she fell to the floor cowering. "LUNA CALM DOWN! It's too early to start losing it!"

8:45 PM

"So let's plan on making a plan on how to get into the Ministry tomorrow," Hermione said.

"You mean Hogwarts."

"No."

"Well that's where the Horcruxes are."