The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter

Day Eight - 8:34 AM

Woke up to the delightful smell of bacon, eggs, and orange juice. Someone must have cooked breakfast.

Then I realized Ron just farted in my face.

8:38 AM

Sucka punched Ron while he was talking to Hermione.

8:40 AM

Ginny offered me some bacon, but after what just happened I had to refuse. Ernie was munching happily, and Draco was sitting in the corner looking dark, distracted, and devastatingly debonair.

Holy shit did I just write that? One day in and I'm already going insane.

8:45 AM

Luna just rolled around in the dirt. She won't tell us why.

8:51 AM

Malfoy tripped Neville and laughed nastily. Ginny looked at him with a strange look in her eyes. SEXUAL TENSION?

"Hey Dean, want to hear a joke?"

"Sure?"

"What do you call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa?"

Dean just stared at me.

"A good start!!!1"

8:52 AM

"No, Dean, it was just a joke! Put the gun down!"

8:53 AM

Dean killed a squirrel, but Neville ate it before we could do anything with it.

I kicked Neville.

"You fat ass! That could have been dinner for all of us."

Hermione broke us apart, "Harry, Harry, relax. That squirrel had rabies anyway."

9:00 AM

Back on the road again. Neville keeps throwing up.

"Dude, would you stop?" Malfoy asked irritably.

"Shut up, Malfoy," I said loudly.

"Go finger your dead mother, Potter."

Stopped. "Wait, what did you just say?" I grabbed him by his shirt. "What did you just say?"

Malfoy looked V. angry, but he just scowled. I let him go.

"Yeah, that's what I thought punk."

9:05 AM

"You know I'd kill you Potter if I didn't want to see you get a sexual disease first."

Oh haha Malfoy. Like you don't already have crabs.

9:07 AM

Almost to the top of the mountain. It's getting colder. With snow and everything. Malfoy's nose is getting pink; it's super cute really.

EWSHUTUP.

Ernie keeps finding dimes on the ground. How does he spot them??

1:00 PM

Everyone's bitching about how hungry they are.

"Harry, can we just fucking drop your suitcases full of porn?" Hermione asked loudly.

"Hey, I brought that for everyone, so shut the hell up."

1:25 PM

We found a cave and took a break. Malfoy is drawing obscene pictures on the wall with crayons.

"Where'd you get the crayons from?"

"Your mom."

Oh ha ha.

1:30 PM

Dean shot the Abominable Snowman.

1:33 PM

Luna is skinning it. We decided to stay in the cave for the night.

"Dean how many shots do you have?"

"As many as I want, nig."

Uh, okay?

1:69 PM

Hermione and Ginny made a fire and are cooking the snowman on it.

"If he's a snowman, why does he have hair?" Ron said.

"That's a fabulous question..." I started.

...

"So what's the answer, Harry?"

"Shit, I don't know. I'm not Gandhi, I don't know everything, Ron. Jesus Christ."

2:10 PM

Ha, did you notice that the time up there was wrong? I didn't.

2:11 PM

69. Haha.

2:15 PM

Ron used Malfoy's crayons to color in his Hello Kitty coloring book.

"Ron what's with your sick obsession with Hello Kitty?"

He shrugged. "I just really love Japan."

"Then why don't you marry it?"

Malfoy "ohhed" and Dean was all, "Burrnnnn."

2:30 PM

We're waiting for dinner to cook.

"Let's play 'Are you nervous?'" I suggested. "Neville first. On Ginny."

Ginny shrugged, but Neville looked incredibly scared. He started at her calf. "Are you nervous?"

"No."

He moved his hand up a few centimeters. "Are you...nervous?"

"...No."

He was starting to sweat. Neville's hand reached her kneecap. "Are you n-n-nervous?"

"No."

He moved his hand up a centimeter further, then took it off and swore. "Crap, I can't do this!"

Hahahahaha pussy.

2:45 PM

"Hey, Ginny, why don't you be a doll and make me a sandwich?"

"Harry, we're making everyone dinner. It'll be ready soon."

"Can you grab me a beer, too? Thanks." I belched.

2:55 PM

Ginny won't shut the hell up about this feminist shit.

"--and men are disgusting, slobbery pigs who wouldn't know labor if it kicked them in the ass!"

"Ginny, what I really want to know is where my fucking sandwich is."

4:00 PM

"Why isn't our food done?" Malfoy asked, flipping through the pages of 'Jugs.'

"It takes a little while to cook a 400 pound animal," Hermione said, irritated.

"Well if you can hurry it up, that'd be great," I put in and yawned.

"Malfoy, could you cover up that huge erection, maybe?" Ginny asked.

"Nah, you all would know it's happening, what's the point of hiding it?"

"Whoah, Ginny," I started, "way to try to make things awkward. We don't need any more awkward silences. We don't need any more of those fucking gay babies."

Silence.

"Thanks everyone, there's another homosexual to deal with. You guys are assholes."

6:00 PM

Our dinner is finally done. Neville set the table like the gay boi he truly is.

There's candles and everything.

6:10 PM

Luna knocked over a candle and her sweater caught on fire. No one really cared. She screamed.

"Inside voices, Luna."

She screamed again and Ron smacked her with a newspaper. But then it caught on fire, too.

"Holy shit!" Ron yelled, "my newspaper's on fire!" Everyone looked up and started cussing. Dean shot the newspaper but it didn't help.

I spit on it, but it wasn't enough.

Malfoy grabbed it, threw it on the ground, and stepped on it. Everything calmed down for a second. Ginny looked at him and sighed lovingly.

Then Luna screamed again and Malfoy grabbed her, threw her on the ground, and stepped on her too. And the fire went away.

"Draco," Ginny said with a big smile, "that was so brave."

NOOOOOOOO GINNY SHOULD BE MYNE.

6:30 PM

"You guys spent so much time on this piece of meat and it still sucks."

Ginny growled. Seriously.

6:32 PM

"Hey, Gin, could you growl at me when we have sex? That would really get me off."

Hermione cleared her throat, "Uh, Harry, probably not appropriate dinner conversation."

"I would just be sticking my penis in your vagina and thrusting and if you could growl I would ejaculate sooner," I continued.

"Oh that's better, Harry," Hermione said sarcastically.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, Hermione.

But what I really said was, "Suck my big black cock."

7:00 PM

As the women clear up the table like they were meant to, us men get ready for an early night. We've got a long way to travel in the morning.

We're ready for you, T-Ridz.

Especially with Dean and his trusty gun, Naomi.

I'm not sure why he named it that, but I guess it's a black person thing.

NIGHT!