The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter

Day Seven - 9:30 AM

Skipped morning classes to pack for our big trip. Hermione's been having seizures every time she thinks about missing classes. OMGZ WE'S GON GET IN SO MUCH TRUBLE!

Told everyone to meet us on the grounds near Hagrid's cabin. Ernie Macmillan was already there waiting and wearing his star of David like he's hot shit or something. Neville and Luna came next practically sprinting to get to us. Then came Dean wearing an interesting ensemble of all white. I told him politely that he didn't need to try so hard to be Caucasian and patted his arm.

If he was white, he wouldn't be here.

Malfoy showed up wearing tight black leather pants that showed off his bulge. What's he trying to prove? Although I have to congratulate him; even Hermione was giving his crotch a second glance.

11:07 AM

Ginny finally decided to show up. That was nice of her. She was decked out in more make up than any human could possibly need.

"I told everyone to be here at 9:30."

"Well, I had to put my make up on," she started, "And I didn't bring it with me so it'll have to last however long we'll be on the trip."

Good Lord. She's not serious, is she?

11:13 AM

Everyone else has little backpacks with extra clothes and money and stuff.

Am I the only one who brought four suitcases?

11:14 AM

Guess so.

"Well you guys didn't bring any suitcases, so you can carry mine!"

They looked happy as we started walking toward Hogsmeade.

11:30 AM

Some hobo off the street got up and stopped us as we walked by. He didn't say anything; he just put a bunch of coins into Ginny's shirt.

Ernie's hand instinctively went down there to get them. He apologized, red faced. We all know he couldn't resist that distinct clang of money.

11:45 AM

"Potter, what the hell did you put in these?" Malfoy asked rudely, gesturing to the suitcases.

"Malfoy, as the Chosen One, I need a lot of things on my journey against Voldemort. Maybe you don't understand the responsibility I have, but I'm not going to take the time to explain it to you."

Ron and I slapped high fives!

"So, you brought the porn then."

Wait, what?

How did he know?

12:05 PM

Since everyone else is carrying my bags, decided I'd write a list of the things I brought.

This should pretty much take care of us for the trip.

2:00 PM

Everyone's tired. Stopped for lunch at a French restaurant. I didn't want to, but majority won.

So I whined most of the time.

When the waiter came and asked what we wanted, Malfoy responded in French with his "cute" accent.

He's such a tool.

2:25 PM

WHERE'S MY FUCKING FOOD?

2:26 PM

"Are French people really this slow?"

"We're not in France, Harry, it's not like they're actually French," Hermione said.

"But they speak French."

"That doesn't make them French."

"So you're telling me," I said slowly, "that people who speak Spanish aren't from Spain?"

"Not necessarily," she replied.

"And people who speak Latin aren't from Latin America?"

"Stop being stupid."

"I'm not."

Grouchy now.

When did this 'I don't speak the language of my country' thing happen? Why do we have to make it so complicated for ourselves?

What do Americans speak then?

2:28 PM

Ron says that Americans speak gibberish and just shouldn't be bothered with.

Then he "accidentally" knocked his cup over onto Hermione's lap.

2:31 PM

"Got our food FINALLY."

Said it out loud by accident. Meant to write it down. You know when that happens? The French guy got all constipated and told me that I should be "cleaning dishes" for that comment.

Is that how the French tell people they're attractive? Cause I don't know why else he'd be talking to me besides complimenting my flawless skin.

2:32 PM

Malfoy keeps looking in my diary and giggling.

Well read this!!!!

Are you reading?

Yeah you are.

I had sex with your mom last night.

2:36 PM

Ate some of my food.

"What is this, dog shit?"

"Escargot," Hermione answered promptly.

"What is this, horse poop?"

"Escargot."

Luna, who hasn't said anything the whole time we've been out, asks, "Hey, can I try some of that?"

What a creepster.

3:00 PM

I was really excited to LEAVE, but Malfoy thought it would be funny to tell the waiter that it was my birthday. I didn't even notice until they crowded around us with the clapping and the singing.

HA HA HA, GOD I THINK THIS IS REALLY FUNNY.

They sang in French, too.

3:02 PM

"I told them it was your birthday in French," Malfoy said proudly.

Oh, Malfoy you're such a rebel without a cause.

Such a bad boy

FOR ME TO POOP ON.

3:15 PM

The cake was good, though.

3:18 PM

We're outtttaaaa here.

"Hey Malfoy, I learned some French."

"Did you, Potter?"

"Yeah. You're a shit head, pardon my French."

3:19 PM

Ginny thinks Malfoy and I are going to end up getting together. I laughed lightly, and said, "Nah. He's not the hero type. Malfoy likes the brooding, hook-nosed type. Like Snape."

Ron and I slapped high fives!

"I'm no homosexual, Potter."

"Your pants disagree."

"My pants show off the bulge that you lack!"

Malfoy and Ron slapped high fives!

Wait, what? No, just kidding, I imagined that.

3:45 PM

Walking a lonely dirt road leaving civilization behind us.

3:46 PM

Neville tried to start a sing along, so I threw a rock at his head.

4:04 PM

"Look, our first obstacle," I remarked happily, pointing at the looming mountain in front of us.

"We're not seriously going to climb that, are we?" Ron said, bewildered.

"Well, we can't go around."

"Why not?" Dean asked, always eager for the easy way out.

"Because that's cheating."

"Harry, it's really not necessary," Hermione said reasonably, "It might be quicker to just go around--"

"Fuck you. What kind of Fellowship are we? The lazy, fat kind? No. With the exception of Neville of course."

4:30 PM

Climbing up the mountain because I always get what I want.

5:00 PM

"Hey Luna, what kind of interesting creatures live on mountains?"

"Well yoffspries live on mountains. They're an interesting breed of half unicorn half rat. They eat human intestines and clean their teeth with bones. But if you wear the right kind of cologne, they'll nuzzle up to you. They're sweethearts, really."

"Oh, Luna. You and your drugs."

5:30 PM

Decided to stop and make a little camp for ourselves since it was getting dark and nippy noodles. Set up my air mattress and tent while everyone else went to get firewood and look for fresh water.

We roasted marshmallows instead of eating something healthy.

"Wanna play truth or dare?" Malfoy asked, smirking.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

Ron started us off. "Neville, truth or dare?"

"Uh...um, I uh...well I think it's best if..." And so on and so on for seven minutes. "Truth."

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

"No."

"Hahahahaha Neville you prude!" Ron laughed nastily.

"I'm not prude," he stammered.

Malfoy put in, "Yeah, come on Weasley, what do you think he and Trevor do all the time?"

Neville blushed.

EWW.

6:02 PM

"Truth or dare, Ernie?" I asked, grinning.

"Truth."

"Fine. So how was the sex?"

"What?"

"How was the sex?"

"With who?" he asked, confused.

"J.K."

He looked confused.

"You know, the author? How was the sex?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You must have given her some action. Why else would you be in the book?"

6:07 PM

"Truth or dare, Potter," Malfoy had a threatening look on his face.

"Dare."

Everyone ooohed.

"I dare you," the blonde boy started, "I dare you to go to the bathroom and wipe yourself with poison ivy leaves."

I stared. "That's stupid."

"No, it's not. You're just chicken."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Come on, Harry, you've got to do it," Ginny said. "You picked dare."

So I did it.

6:11 PM

Itchy bum.

6:20 PM

Broke out the alcohol.

"Truth or dare, Giffy," I sputtered, then giggled.

"Dare."

"Kay. I dare you to...SHOW US SOME TITTIES!"

This was met by loud cheers from all the boys and Luna.

6:25 PM

"Ginny you have lovely sweater mittens," Ernie hiccupped. "You've got such a curvy figure up top. You're so well proportioned."

"What he means to say," Draco said, almost unaffected by the alcohol, "is that you have huge jugs."

I grinned. "I'll drink to that!"

So we raised our bottles and drank some more.

6:28 PM

"Yo Ginny. I'll take you for a ride where dese KKK bitches won't be all over our backs. Where we can take dat shit and no one gonna care. All dese peepz bein ignant and dey don't preciate you girl! Dey just usin' you! White man's tryin to hold us down. I ain't gonna let him. Y'all gonna let him tell you what to do?"

Dean what the fuck are you talking about?

"Girl, girl, girl, shhh...you got a sweet booty."

Then he collapsed.

6:29 PM

I'd check for alcohol poisoning, but I really don't care.

6:50 PM

"Truth or dare?" Luna asked Hermione.

"Uh...truth."

"What's one of your weird habits, kinks, or just something freaky about you?"

When did Luna become a lesbian? Does she know that God hates gay people?

"Well, I uh, need the boy to brush their teeth before we kiss. And shower before we do anything else."

What? Lame.

YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY.

6:53 PM

Ron just went off to brush his teeth.

7:30 PM

Ron and Hermione are making out. He keeps giving me high fives(!) during all this. I'm impressed that he can multi task so well. They'll be moving into a tent in...

5

4

3

2

1

Yep. He's actually picked her up to bring her in the tent. That's romantic.

We've quieted down now, realizing the huge task in front of us: getting laid. Who's next? Will there be a surprise? Will we even remember we're supposed to be looking for Horcruxes?

All these questions and more might be answered on the next page of my super confidential diary.

MALFOY STOP READING THIS.