The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter

Day Three Continued - 5:00 PM

Um? What's going on?

Even Percy Weasley is getting ass. I just saw him with some guy snogging in the broom shed.

5:01 PM

Wait a second.

5:01 and 30 seconds PM

Guy?

5:10 PM

EW GROSS!

5:20 PM

Found Ginny again, sitting alone and looking longingly at something I don't care about. Sat down, smiled. You know me - Mr. Charming. I thought I'd try the 'Feel bad for me' card again. It seems to work best.

5:26 PM

What the fuck just happened?

I started the conversation saying, "Ginny, you know the whole Horcrux search thing? I'm getting really nervous about it. I mean, I could die and everything. We had this whole relationship thing going, and before I go, I think--,"

And she said, "Harry, are you asking me to come with you?"

Where did that come from?

And she went, "Cause I'll come."

NO that's not what I was asking, bitch.

5:27 PM

But now she's coming.

5:30 PM

On the plus side, it'll be like a permanent double date so I'm guaranteed to get laid.

5:43 PM

Gabrielle just threw herself at me. Not literally. That would be awkward. But anyway she was all over me. Not surprising.

5:45 PM

I'm such a stud.

5:46 PM

So we were mekkin out and all that and I tried to get up her shirt and she just started giggling and rolling on the ground.

????

Girls are weird.

6:30 PM

Told Ron and Hermione about Ginny coming on the Horcrux mission. Hermione was excited.

Fabulous.

Hermione thinks we should have a whole group come with us. She says it will be more helpful like that. Great.

Well so far we have the hero (THAT'S ME!!!!11), the sidekick, the brainiac, and the slut.

Hm.

6:45 PM

Gawd I'm bored.

7:04 PM

I hid under the table and started a cake fight. I was having a lot of fun, but then someone started choking so I had to stop.

7:06 PM

Whoever was choking had to go to St. Mungo's because the cake actually refused to dislodge itself from their throat. I think it was talking and everything while the person just kept making noises and clutching their throat.

It's like, seriously, we get it. Obv. you're choking. It's probably your fault anyway.

7:07 PM

Oh right, it's my fault.

I don't care, I'm Harry Potter and I'll choke whoever I want.

7:15 PM

I dared a garden gnome to get naked and run through the wedding yelling, "I'm bringing sexy back!!!!!"

So classic.

7:18 PM

I dared the same gnome and another one to have sex on top of the leftover wedding cake. But they wouldn't do it.

7:25 PM

Ron says that me making out with Gabrielle is illegal. Because she's like eight years old or something.

What? Is he gonna call the Popo on me? They're always trying to catch me ridin' dirrrtttyyy.

8:00 PM

They started doing wizard fireworks. It's not like this is an important occasion or anything.

I hope someone gets hit in the face with one. I don't know how it 7ould happen, I just hope it does.

8:15 PM

Shazaaam! Mr. Weasley right in the conk. He set it off incorrectly and it just blew up in his face.

Ha ha ha and ha di ha ha heh.

What a bitch.

10:00 PM

When the hell is this going to end?

12:00 AM

FINALLY.M

Except some adults are still outside singing songs and telling stories about their childhoods. I watched for a bit until they started playing Truth or Dare and Hagrid had to strip dance to some music.

Whoever gave that dare was a little pervy wervy.

12:10 AM

Lupin is conducting the chorus of Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. He keeps shouting things like "That's right!" and "Oh baby!"

Day Four - 11:40 AM

Ron, Hermy-own, and I have set off to visit Godric's Hollow to see my parents' grave. They don't seem to understand what a solemn occasion this is because Ron is wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt and Hermione is wearing two party hats on her head--sort of like horns.

12:00 PM

Found the graves!

It kind of looks like someone pooped on Dad's, though. I'll just clean that off.

12:01 PM

I just sat down on the ground in front of the graves and I can hear Hermione and Ron giggling behind me. It's really not that funny or anything.

Told them to go see Voldemort and tell him that they found his Viagra in McGonagall's bedroom.

But they wouldn't.

12:09 PM

Decided to write a letter to my parents.

Dear Mom and Pops,

I'm sitting in front of your graves right now, which means I'm probably sitting on one or both of you. It kind of takes me back to the times I'd sit on your laps and you'd burp me and I'd automatically poo in my diaper and you'd get upset because you'd have to clean my diaper again. But that's life.

I bet you're both pretty proud of me right about now. I haven't died yet which is a pretty cool thing and more than I can say for Cedric (Ba-zing!), but more importantly you have given birth to a Sex God. Dad, you'll be pretty proud to know that I have been around the block and it was a very good looking block. Mom, you'll be happy to know I have avoided contracting any kind of STDs.

Well my life is pretty hectic right now. It'd be nice to have some parents to, I don't know, protect me from this bald guy that wants to kill me or something. But of course you guys have to go off and pretend to be noble and get yourselves killed. I bet it was just some huge scheme because you were too young to have a child and didn't know what the Hell you were doing. Maybe that's a little harsh.

Hm. My life. Well, I've got a really great girlfriend named Jenna Jameson. She's super pretty and blonde and all that. She's actually pretty famous too; she's starred in a few GREAT films. I'm also going to be on England's Quidditch Team next year, since they recruited me. Not only that, but I'm also going to be the most important auror ever and Minister of Magic one day, they say!

So even if ol' Voldmasta ends up killing me, I'll go down in history forever and ever and ever and be really famous. And that's all that really matters.

Love,

Parry Hotter

12:25 PM

Buried the letter in the ground and got worms everywhere which was gross.

I think they'll enjoy my sincerity and humbleness in my letter. And somewhere, six feet under, my parents are incredibly happy that someone has FINALLY come to visit their decaying bodies.

Day Five - 8:27 AM

Up to go to Diagon Alley with the Weasleys and Hermione. Apparently I need protection so they sent those huge cars with us again. Wasn't really enough room in the back seat with absolutely everyone and their cousins stuffed back there.

I volunteered to get out and walk, but no one got it and just started mumbling.

9:00 AM

Blah blah blah. Bricks, Leaky Cauldron, Diagon Alley, same old same old.

9:05 AM

WHOAAAH. Who's that fine piece of ass?

9:05 and 23 seconds AM

Oops. In my excitement of seeing an attractive person, I forgot it was my reflection.

FALSE ALARM EVERYBODY.

9:10 AM

Told Mr. Weasley flat out that I was not buying anything for school since I didn't intend to go back.

Actually what I said was, "It's world war three, I will not flee, so do not buy anything for me!!!111"

Might have gone gay for a few minutes there.

9:21 AM

We just passed a woman with very large breasts. I said, "Got milk?"

And she responded by kicking me in the nuts.

9:30 AM

Ron asked if it hurt to be kicked in the nuts because it's never happened to him before. So I helped him out by kicking him there.

9:50 AM

Ron had to sit down for a while because he was in so much pain. We went and got our books and when we got back he was still sitting there clutching himself.

V. funny.

10:00 AM

Okay, Ron it's getting a little out of hand now. You can probably walk. What a pussy.

"Why can you walk so easy? It's bloody painful, mate." Ron said, still clutching himself.

"You get used to it after a while."

It's true. I've been kicked in the nuts so many times, I have balls of steel.

10:30 AM

Picked up robes and things, waved to a few witches and wizards I didn't know. One was so flabbergasted they tripped and had too many things in their hands to hold themselves as they fell. He ended up breaking his nose or something; there was blood everywhere.

Oh self, you are quite incredible.

11:45 AM

BORED LETS GO HOME

11:46 AM

I have to pee like a fat kid has to have cake.

Wait, what?

Day Six - 7:00 AM

OMGZ HURRY UP WEYLL BE LATE TO DA HOGWARTZ EXPRESSZ!!!

Shut up Mrs. Weasley.

10:00 AM

Chillin on the train.

I saw Malfoy and it looks like his testicles have finally dropped.

10:10 AM

Neville and Luna manage to find me wherever I go. I was wearing a mask this time, too. They came in together and meekly asked if I was Harry. I tried to say no, but I forgot I was wearing a nametag.

Dayum.

10:45 AM

Ron and Hermione popped in to say "Hello!" as did Ginny who said the same thing but 'accidentally' thrust her breasts into my face as she stumbled into our car. And she acts like she doesn't want me.

I had enough self control to not reach out and grab them unlike Neville who was trying to get out to piddle at the same time she was coming in and fell on top of her with his face in between her nungas. She didn't seem to care though.

We all know that if I had done that she would have pretended to be offended and bitched off.

10:50 AM

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle came by to offer us some candy and threats.

Shouldn't they be ferreting around with Death Eaters or something? No one notices that Malfoy tried to kill Dumbledore last year?

As they say: the past is the past.

Or as Ron says: "Get the fuck out you homo."

11:00 AM

Went to the bathroom and accidentally stepped on someone. I helped him up, brushed him off, and then asked, "Wait, are you a first year?"

"Yes."

So I pushed him back on the ground and stepped on him again.

I LOVE BEING A 7^th YEAR.

1:00 PM

Train rides suck. There's nothing to dooooooo.

6:00 PM

Basically there. I'm hungry.

7:00 PM

Oh it's super fabulous to see everyone again sitting where they belong at their respective houses!

7:15 PM

Where the fuck is Dumbledore?

7:16 PM

Asked. Everyone gave me these weird looks.

7:25 PM

Oh right, he's dead!!!!!

I have no idea why that keeps slipping my mind.

9:30 PM

As we headed up to Gryffindor Tower, Hermione reminded me that I should pick some more people to come on the Horcrux quest.

Hero, Sidekick, Brain, Slut.

What else do we need?

Passed Draco Malfoy as he walked down the hall in this "I don't care that your grandmother was run over by the lawnmower" type of attitude.

A BAD BOY! Of course!

9:34 PM

We asked Malfoy if he wanted to come. He agreed instantly, of course. Probably too stunned by my good looks to say no.

9:42 PM

In Gryffindor tower. Let's see. What else do we need?

Noticed Dean Thomas sitting with Seamus and Lavender. Hmmm.

9:43 PM

Well, in case we needed to steal something or get through a rough neighborhood, we could use a black guy. They're always fast and excellent at avoiding the law, although we might get stopped every once and a while and be checked for drugs.

We'll take that chance!

9:46 PM

Dean is excited to be a part of it.

9:50 PM

Hermione suggested Neville and Luna.

I said, "Why?"

Ron asked, "Why?"

She responded, "Because I feel bad for them."

We still weren't sure.

"And we could also sacrifice Neville first if we ever had to."

9:55 PM

Neville practically peed his pants when I asked. He ran off to tell Luna the good news.

10:01 PM

It still feels empty, somehow.

10:15 PM

Did you know Ernie Macmillan is Jewish? Me neither!

Invited him.

10:30 PM

Everyone has agreed that we should set off tomorrow on our long journey. I have decided to call ourselves the Fellowship of the Bling.

It's just us, now. No help from adults or the ministry. It's just the Hero, Sidekick, Brain, Slut, Bad Boy, Token Black Guy, Fat Kid, Innocent Weird Girl, and the Jew.

Yo Voldie you better watch your back, bitch.