The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter

Day Ten!

7:00 AM

Woke up because someone was poking me.

I looked up so I could bitch slap whoever it was, but when my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw the one and only Tom Marvolo Riddle bending over me.

7:01 AM

JK!

Actually it was just Ernie, but he was all sweaty and panting.

"Hermione told me to get you. Time to make a plan."

7:05 AM

Fell back asleep accidentally.

7:14 AM

Someone was kicking me.

"Harry, wake up! Come on, we have to plan!!" Nag, nag, nag. Oh my God, I wonder who that could possibly be?

"Hermione, ten more minutes, please."

Bitch nag blah fag--some shit I didn't listen to.

"I was plowing Jessica Simpson. You're a little bastard."

7:20 AM

We were all sitting around a rock in the cave. Hermione was scribbling something down on a piece of paper. Then Ron yawned. And after that, Ernie, who was sitting next to him, yawned. And then down the line. And it got to me, and I had an inexplicable desire to yawn! So I did!

Wow.

7:23 AM

Started the yawn-down-the-line again. Giggled.

7:24 AM

I'm feeling quite powerful now.

7:26 AM

Scratched my crotch and looked eagerly at Malfoy to my left. But nothing happened.

Damnit.

7:29 AM

"Okay, guys," Hermione started, "Umbridge has the Horcrux. We don't know where she lives and it would be impossible to get into her house anyway, so we're going to have to see if she has it in her office at the Ministry."

"How are we supposed to do that?" Ron inquired. "Harry's a wanted criminal, you and Dean are Muggleborns, Neville's lame, and Malfoy's dad is sucking You-Know-Who's cock."

7:34 AM

After a brief scuffle, Ron had a split lip and a black eye. Malfoy, on the other hand, was only panting slightly. What a bad ass.

"Yo, man, it was just a figure of speech, you know? Like he's You-Know-Who's servant, BFF, right hand man, you get me, right?"

Malfoy shrugged. "So that would mean you suck Potter's cock, then?"

Ron made to hit Malfoy, but Ernie grabbed his arms.

I gasped. "Ron, is this true?"

7:40 AM

Hermione cleared her throat. "Anyway...we're going to need some Polyjuice Potion and some people to be distractions."

"Well, since you, Harry, and I know what the locket looks like, we should be the ones to go and get it," Ron suggested. "Malfoy too cuz he's such a rebel."

"Neville should come too in case one of us needs to die."

"Good idea, Harry," Hermione said. "Ron and I will go steal some hairs from Ministry workers, and the rest of you can think up a distraction."

She grabbed Ron's hand and Apparated.

SEXUAL TENSION?

"Wow, so uh, a distraction?" I scratched my luscious locks. "Ginny could flash everyone."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Ernie replied, happy that the distraction wouldn't cost him any money.

"I would be distracted," Dean said.

"She'll be under Polyjuice Potion though, she could end up as some old fat chick with sagging boobs," Malfoy put in, always the pessimist.

Hmm. Thought some more.

"Let's go play Twister."

9:00 AM

Everyone was so twisted and tied up with each other! It was so crazy! I'm gay and I saw Malfoy's big cock and got excited and then let it out all over Ernie's back. But that's okay cause I'm Harry Potter and I could puke on Dumbledore's dead and rotting face and it would be A-Okay!!

Twister is so much fun! I'm a big homo!

- Hairy Pooper

9:01 AM

I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!!!

9:06 AM

Crying.

Malfoy's the homo.

9:15 AM

Hermione's finally back.

"Holy shit, where'd you go? Thailand?"

"We went to the Ministry to get hairs for the Polyjuice Potion, Harry," Hermione said briskly. "I told you that before we left."

Annoyed. "That was me complaining because you took so fucking long."

"You're not funny, Harry," Hermione stated.

"What? Is this opposite day? Shut up Hermione, you're not ugly. You're not stupid. You're not annoying and most likely a fascist."

"Do you even know that is?"

"What what is?"

"A fascist."

"What?"

"Exactly," she said with a satisfied little smirk.

"You're a faggot. Do you know what that is?"

Dayummmmm torched bitch!!!! Ron and I slapped high fives!

9:23 AM

"Okay, so Ron and I stole five name tags and you can decide on names--doesn't really matter," Hermione said.

"Can I be Grindelwald?" Ron asked excitedly.

"No, he's dead."

"Can I be Dumbledore?" I wanted to know.

"Did you guys think of a distraction?" Hermione inquired.

"We played Twister," Ginny said.

"I won." Dean raised his fist proudly.

"WONDER WHY? Hey, Dean, maybe we could play fair if you put the fucking gun away," I suggested.

"Well, I don't remember slavery being fair."

"Slavery wasn't a game."

"It was to you," Dean said softly, "it was to you."

12:00 PM

Boring boring day. Hermione talked and talked about this plan or whatever. Something about pretending and Dean and guns or something. I don't really care.

Every time she turned her back I threw a spitball in her hair.

I wonder how long it will take her to notice?

8:00 PM

Hermione screamed. "Oh God, what the hell is in my hair?"

Giggled.

8:35 PM

Just made the nametags. They're fabulous.

9:30 PM

Early to bed, early to rise, something something when I shit there are flies.

Yeah, I think that's right.

Day Eleven - 6:00 AM

"Yo, Harry, wake up--it's time!"

Ron was pulling on his shirt quickly, obviously excited for the day's activities since we were actually doing something for once. I pushed myself out of bed, concealing my MORNING WOOD, and changed into my lucky underwear, which coincidentally, have my face on them.

Grabbed the nametags and went to breakfast.

6:07 AM

Passed out the nametags while everybody was eating.

"Here Malfoy."

"Jack MeHoffPlz?" Malfoy asked, staring at his nametag with distaste. "This is my nametag?"

"I picked some random names that I thought would fit in well at the Ministry."

Handed Neville his nametag.

"Uh, Harry, I feel like this name wouldn't be a good idea," Neville said, trembling as he attached it to his shirt.

"Yeah, do you think you're trying to be funny?" Ernie demanded.

"It's a completely respectable name, guys. Adolf. It's like the new name now. Like how Brittany was really popular a few years ago? Now it's Adolf."

"So I guess it's a coincidence the last name is Hitler, then?"

Hermione asked, "Where's mine Harry?"

"Here." I handed it to her.

"That's not funny!"

"Hermione, it's a name. 'What's in a name? That which we call a shit fuck I don't care.'"

"Ima Bytche? You're not trying to say anything by this?"

"Of course not, Hermione. Just a random name."

Ron started whining. "Why do I have to be Posh Spice?"

"I'm scared to ask," Ginny started, "what's yours?"

I pinned mine to my shirt proudly.

"Harry, I said no to that," Hermione objected.

"No, no, you didn't. You said no to Grindelwald."

"Harry, Dumbledore's dead," Luna pointed out, "don't you think people will notice?"

"Dumbledore's dead?"

6:45 AM

Apparated to the Ministry to creep and attack the people we stole hairs from. We so clever.

"So, we're going to kill them, right?" Malfoy wanted to know.

"No, just knock them out," Hermione corrected.

One of the men came around the corner whistling. Hermione pulled out her wand, but Dean shot him instead. The guy shrieked and fell over clutching himself.

"Dean!" Hermione yelled.

"What? It's easier this way."

"Well where do we put him now?"

6:51 AM

Stuffing that bitch in the dumpster with Malfoy.

"Smells like shit," I noticed.

"You smell like shit."

Damn.

6:52 AM

Dean has impeccable aim. There was a crowd and he managed to down four of the people easily. And nobody even noticed when we dragged the bodies out of their way.

Loves it!

What?

7:00 AM

Drinking some Polyjuice Potion. It goes down like a throw down at some drunk chick's house where everyone is breaking shit and stuff and someone starts vomiting on the sofa which sucks a little bit cause I can't sit there and then the music is too loud and there's screaming because someone tripped down the stairs and then the cops come and we all go to jail.

AKA it was hard to drink.

7:06 AM

Ginny is a very old woman as of now. She is still wearing her old clothes and I can see the cellulite and wrinkles struggling to break through the fabric of her super tight skirt. She has literally one eyebrow; the other one looks shaved off.

Hermione is smirking for some reason.

Ron is bald and portly, while Draco is incredibly short and skinny. I am tall, but I have an air of flamboyancy about me. Neville is overweight with a huge nose and cankles.

"Neville, you look...good..." No, but what I really said was, "Whoah, what a conk! I could fit my fist in your nostril!"

7:10 AM

Dean managed to stay the same color. I asked Hermione why and she said he and Naomi threatened her and now she doesn't like to talk to him as much.

"Why? What did he say?"

"Something along the lines of, 'If you don't keep me a black man, I'm going to shove Naomi up your ass. But not in the pleasurable way.'"

I love Dean.

7:13 AM

We're all standing in front of the Ministry now, holding hands. The Fellowship of the Bling. We're scared for our lives, worried for each other, and also wondering what's for lunch. This is it. The big moment.

Dolores Umfridge here we come.

I took a deep breath and we walked inside.

7:13 and 4 seconds AM

Haha Umfridge.