A MST of a Different Kind

Regulus: Oh, this should be interesting...

Peter/Tonks: ::scream::

Bella/Narcissa: Oh, Reggie! ::run to hug their cousin::

Lucius: ::sarcastic:: Lovely.

Lily: You know, for some reason beyond my comprehension, I'm missing James...

::pause::

Lily: Kill me, now.

Snape: ::looks at Regulus:: Um, should I know you?

Regulus: ::blank look:: Em, Serverus, are you feeling alright?

Lucius: He got his memory erased, so don't worry about him.

Frank: ::looks at Sirius:: Enervate.

Sirius: ::wakes up:: Wha...::looks at Regulus:: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ::hides behind Remus::

Regulus: So this is where you've been hiding all summer...Tisk, wait till I tell Mother.

Sirius: ::on bended knees:: Please, please don't tell Mum! I don't want to go home! ::begins crying::

MVTSMLM: ::appears out of nowhere:: Don't worry, he won't.

Regulus: ::jumps:: Who the hell are you?

MVTSMLM: Your worst nightmare. ::evil laugh:: As the residential newbie, you get to read!

Everyone Else: ::cheer::

Regulus: ::shrugs:: Alright. What am I reading?

Peter: The most boring book in the entire world.

Others: IT IS NOT!!

Regulus: Well, what's it about?

Lily: My son, Harry. ::smiles proudly::

Regulus: ::disgusted look on face::

Remus: Who's also the only known survivor of the killing curse.

Lucius: A Slytherin. ::evil grin::

Lily: ::cries:: HE IS NOT!!!

Bella: Yeah, and Sirius is a wanted criminal...GASP!!!

Others: What?

Bella: What if the criminal isn't Sirius, instead, it's Regulus?

::silence::

Alice: It is possible. The only description of him we're given is he's a male, his last name is Black, and he escaped from prison.

::clouds part. Angels sing::

Angels: HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Sirius: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::hugs his brother:: Knew you'd come in handy, you squirt! ::messes his brother's hair.::

Regulus: ...Do I even want to know?

Snape: No, just ignore them. They'll go away, eventually.

Lucius: Now start reading, punk. ::hands Regulus the book::

Regulus: Okay.

There was another tremendous BANG, and the next moment Harry found himself flat on his bed,

Regulus: I'm confused already.

Bella: Oh, shush. You'll understand eventually.

thrown backward by the speed of the Knight Bus.

Regulus: Oh! Now I get it! ::pause:: Why is he on the knight bus?

Remus: He's running away from his abusive Aunt and Uncle.

Regulus: ::nods:: Makes sense, I suppose.

Pulling himself up, Harry stared out of the dark window and saw that they were now bowling along a completely different street.

Sirius: Of course they were, silly! The Knight Bus moves that way!

Stan was watching Harry's stunned face with great enjoyment.

Regulus: New question: Who's Stan?

Narcissa: A guy who works on the bus. Now shut up and keep on reading!

Regulus: You guys are really into this book, aren't you?

Others: ::evil looks:: KEEP ON READING!!

Regulus: AH! ::continues to read::

"This is where we was before you flagged us down," he said. "Where are we, Ern?

Snape: The bottomless pit of hell and destruction?

Bella: I wish!

Somewhere in Wales?"

Lily: :randomly:: James lives in Wales.

Sirius/Peter/Remus: Duh!

Lily: Sorry, just figured I'd share that.

"Ar," said Ernie.

Lucius: Lesson One in "How to Speak Proper English" by Lucius O. Malfoy: Never say "Ar."

"How come the Muggles don't hear the bus?" said Harry.

Regulus: Who cares about the Muggles? I thought our life goal as wizards were to hunt them down and kill them all.

Others: ::stare::

Sirius: ::turns to the others:: Now do you see why I ran away from home?

"Them!" said Stan contemptuously. "Don' listen properly, do they? Don' look properly either. Never notice nuffink, they don'."

Lucius: Lesson Two: "Nuffink" is not a word.

"Best go wake up Madam Marsh, Stan,"

Frank: Hey! I work with Madam Marsh!

Alice: Good to know someone we know is still alive.

said Ern. "We'll be in Abergavenny in a minute."

Alice: Um...Is that...a real place?

MVTSMLM: I have no idea if that's a real place or not.

Remus: No worries. We don't care that your stupid, we love you anyway. ::grins::

MVTSMLM: I'll have you know I'm one of the smartest ones in my class! ::pause:: Hell, you aren't there. I'm the smartest person in my class!

Stan passed Harry's bed and disappeared up a narrow wooden staircase.

Lily: ::blinks:: I'm really, really missing James. ::turns to Authoress:: Can you kill me now?

MVTSMLM: Why would I do that? ::evil, snarky grin::

Lily: Because I don't want to live in a world where I'm missing James.

MVTSMLM: ::frowns:: Sorry, I can't go off killing characters, it's against the Author's Contract. However, I can do a lovely Cruciatus curse if you'd like...

Lily: No thanks.

Harry was still looking out of the window, feeling increasingly nervous.

Remus: Don't blame him...Don't blame him at all.

Ernie didn't seem to have mastered the use of a steering wheel.

Bella: Tell me about it...::turns green::

The Knight Bus kept mounting the pavement, but it didn't hit anything;

Lucius: Of course not. It's magical. Mag-ic-al. See, say it with me. M-A-G-I-C-

Sirius: That's enough, Lucy. You're starting to bug me.

Lucius: ::jumps up with wand:: By the devil himself, Black, I swear you won't live to see...

MVTSMLM: ::blows whistle:: Calm down, Lucy, else I'll have to do some major damage. ::waves her wand::

Lucius: What? He insulted me! Can I not defend my own honor?

MVTSMLM: No, let me deal with it. ::lightning bolts Sirius:: Sirius, that was rude. Don't diss Lucy. You'll hurt his pride, and when you do that, his hair just isn't as girlish, therefore I can't tease him as much.

Lucius: Girlish? Why I ought...Cur-

MVTSMLM: ::lightning bolts Lucius:: Shut your hole, Lucy.

Narcissa: ::daringly:: Besides, Lucius, your hair is sort of...girlish.

Lucius: ::blinks:: The world's out to get me, isn't it?

MVTSMLM: Only while James is gone.

Lily: ::blinks back tears:: James... ::sniffs::

Lucius: Yes, Potter, come back! Please! ::pauses:: Wow, never thought I'd say that.

lines of lampposts, mailboxes, and trash cans jumped out of its way as it approached and back into position once it had passed.

Everyone: COOL!!

Stan came back downstairs, followed by a faintly green witch

Peter: --Who's name was Bellatrix Lestrange. She hated traveling on the effing bus and vowed never to do so again--

Remus: -Except when she was stranded-

Bella: -Which happened more often than she would have liked.

wrapped in a traveling cloak.

Alice: Why do some people only have cloaks for traveling? Isn't that sort of redundant?

Tonks: Just like Mr. Dursley and his car coat. We'll never know.

"'Ere you go, Madam Marsh,"

Frank: ::laughs:: I guess Hallie doesn't like the Knight Bus much either..

Bella: HA! It wasn't me!

Tonks: ::frowns:: When are we going to be in the books?

MVTSMLM: ::rubs head.:: Um, your not...

Others: WHAT?!

MVTSMLM: Well, some of you are. Others are in the books, just indirectly. But a handful of you aren't in there at all.

Remus: Which ones of us aren't in it at all?

MVTSMLM: Tonks, Bellatrix, Regulus, and...::blinks:: Well, I think that's it. Indirectly speaking, James, Lily, Lucius, Narcissa, Frank, and Alice aren't in it, but they have children in the books, so they'd probably want to read about them.

Narcissa: Oh, that's cool...Wait a minute, I have a child?

MVTSMLM: A son, to be exact.

Narcissa: ::squees::

said Stan happily as Ern stamped on the brake and the beds slid a foot or so toward the front of the bus.

Bella: I am sooooooooooo glad I'm not on that...that thing! ::shrieks in horror::

Madam Marsh clamped a handkerchief to her mouth and tottered down the steps.

Frank: ::laughs:: Hallie hasn't changed a bit!

Stan threw her bag out after her and rammed the doors shut;

Alice: Well, that was rude!

there was another loud BANG, and they were thundering down a narrow country lane, trees leaping out of the way.

Peter: BANG! BANG! BANG!

Lily: Peter, do you live to annoy the living daylights out of some of us?

Peter: I take it to be my own personal honor, thank you.

Harry wouldn't have been able to sleep even if he had been traveling on a bus that didn't keep banging loudly and jumping a hundred miles at a time.

Girls: AWWW!!! Poor Harry!!!!

Regulus: Okay, now I'm sure I've missed something...

Snape: By the way, the girls are psychotic and want to take Harry in.

Regulus: Oh. ::pause:: Why?

Narcissa: Because he's Harry and he's a sweetheart!

Bella: ::rolls eyes:: He was raised by Muggles and knows nothing about pure wizarding society.

Regulus: GASP! How horrible!

Bella: I know.

His stomach churned as he fell back to wondering what was going to happen to him, and whether the Dursleys had managed to get Aunt Marge off the ceiling yet.

Everyone minus Regulus: ::laugh::

Regulus: ::looks around, confused::

Stan had unfurled a copy of the Daily Prophet

Sirius: He just mad simply because he didn't win the prize drawing.

Remus: I know I am! ::grumbles::

and was now reading with his tongue between his teeth.

Alice: At least it wasn't his quill...

A large photograph of a sunken-faced man with long, matted hair blinked slowly at Harry from the front page.

Sirius: DUN DUN DUN!!! It's Regulus!!!

Regulus: Wait a minute! I don't have a sunken face! And my hair is not matted!

Sirius: But it has to be you! Because if it isn't you, than it's me!

Regulus: So?

Sirius: ::begins to bark::

Frank: How about we keep reading and find out which brother it really is?

Sirius/Regulus: ::evil glare::

He looked strangely familiar.

Tonks: Of course! Does "As Seen On T.V." Have any meaning to you?

"That man!" Harry said, forgetting his troubles for a moment. "He was on the Muggle news!"

Alice: Told you it was foreshadowing! In your face, Sirius!

Stanley turned to the front page and chuckled.

Lucius: Why? I don't get what was so funny...

"Sirius Black,"

Regulus: HA!

Sirius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::begins running around, screaming.::NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remus: ::eye wrinkle:: It can't be.

Peter: You're kidding me!

Narcissa: Wow that's just...Wow.

he said, nodding. "'Course 'e was on the Muggle news, Neville, where you been?"

Regulus: Huh? Who's Neville?

Frank: ::beams proudly:: My son, whom Harry's impersonating. ::grins::

Sirius: ::rolls eyes:: Whatever...We don't have time for this! I want to find out if it's really me or not!

He gave a superior sort of chuckle at the blank look on Harry's face, removed the front page, and handed it to Harry.

Lily: ::blinks:: I miss James. ::blinks again:: Please, please! Someone kill me!

Lucius: Okay! ::holds out his wand::

MVTSMLM: Ain't going to happen, Lucy. ::waves her wand, getting Lucius' wand::

Alice: ::sniggers, then turns to Sirius.:: Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, ay, Sirius?

Sirius: ::blinks:: What was I even imprisoned for?

Alice: ::sigh::

"You oughta read the papers more, Neville."

Frank: ::giggles at the name Neville::

Tonks: That's a little hard for him to do, living with Muggles.

Harry held the paper up to the candlelight and read:

Sirius: ::on the edge of his seat:: Yes, yes! Tell me! Tell me!

BLACK STILL AT LARGE

Peter: Wow! Black still large...Been putting on the pounds, Sirius?

Remus: No. It says "At Large" Meaning he has political power of some sort.

Lucius: Powerful? Him? ::looks at Sirius:: Nah, you've got to be kidding...

Sirius Black,

Sirius: ::cringes:: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! ::falls on his knees::

possibly the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress,

Bella: Damn! They sent you to Azkaban! Geez, Sirius what did you do?

Sirius: ::begins to cry::

is still eluding capture, the Ministry of Magic confirmed today.

Frank: Eluding capture...Sirius, what did you do?!

Sirius: I don't know! ::begins sobbing again::

"We are doing all we can to recapture Black,"

Regulus: You know, I really wish they would stop referring to him as Black. There are three other people in this room with the last name Black. It tends to get a little confusing, and the book isn't helping much.

said the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge,

Narcissa: Cornelius Fudge is the Minister of Magic? Goodness, no wonder Sirius is an escaped fugitive!

Bella: Fudge is Minister, Sirius is a fugitive, and Potter's son is the most holy being on the planet. Now I've seen everything.

this morning, "and we beg the magical community to remain calm."

Peter: Calm? Calm! You expect us to be calm when Sirius is out and about? It'd be prank city!

Sirius: ::sniffs:: Shut up, Pete.

Peter: Come on, Sirius, don't be so upset...

Sirius: I WANT TO KNOW WHY I WAS IMPRISONED!!!

Others: ::back away from him::

Fudge has been criticized by

Tonks: His dog.

Snape: His son.

Lily: James...::sobs::

Bella: The world. Honestly, who's bright idea was it to put him in office?

some members of the International Federation of Warlocks for informing the Muggle Prime Minister of the crisis.

Lucius/Frank: ::jump up:: WHAT?!

Narcissa: Why the hell would he do something like that?!

Alice: The idiot!

"Well, really, I had to, don't you know," said an irritable Fudge.

Remus: No, we don't know. Please enlighten us.

"Black is mad.

Everyone Else: I'll say!

Sirius: ::freaky eye twitch:: I would push me right now, if I were you...:: another freaky eye twitch::

He's a danger to anyone who crosses him, magic or Muggle.

Bella: Magic or Muggle? Wow, Sirius, I didn't know you had it in you!

Sirius: ::eye twitches again::

I have the Prime Minister's assurance that he will not breathe a word of Black's true identity to anyone. And let's face it-who'd believe him if he did?"

Everyone: I would!

While Muggles have been told that Black is carrying a gun

Others: What's a gun?

Lily: No. I'm not going to tell you. Figure it out for yourselves.

(a kind of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other),

Peter: Gee, Lily, I have to say, figuring it out on our was a snap!

Lily: ::swears::

the magical community lives in fear of a massacre like that of twelve years ago, when Black murdered thirteen people with a single curse.

Everyone: ::jaw drops::

Sirius: ::begins sobbing again::

Bella: Your kidding me!

Frank: That's...impossible...Isn't it?

Peter: Wow...

Remus: Thirteen people...

Sirius: ::sobs harder::

Lily: With a single curse!

Alice: Sirius! What did the poor people do to you?

Sirius: I-I don't know!! ::cries harder::

Lucius: Wow...Just...Wow.

Regulus: Didn't know you had it in you, Siri.

Everyone: ::looks at Sirius crossly:: ::backs away slowly::

Sirius: ::cries::

Harry looked into the shadowed eyes of Sirius Black,

Sirius: ::you know those cartoons in which the place seems to be overfilled with water from one person crying? That's about how it is with Sirius::

the only part of the sunken face that seemed alive.

Lucius: You do realize what this means now, right?

Sirius: ::still crying:: I'm an evil, sneaky bastard?

Lucius: ::jaw drops, seriously:: You are?

Sirius: Wha? No, I mean...

Lucius: I knew it! I knew you were evil, deep down inside! ::wraps arm around Sirius:: Sirius, this is the start of a wonderful friendship!

Sirius: But...But I don't want to be...

Snape: ::eye twitch:: Evil, sneaky bastard or not, I wouldn't go near him with a ten foot pole.

Sirius: But!

Snape: You killed thirteen people!

Lucius: I know! ::hugs Sirius proudly:: He's my idol!

Sirius: ::sobs::

Harry had never met a vampire,

Tonks: That was random.

Remus: ::shakes nervously at the mention of a dark creature::

but he had seen pictures of them in his Defense Against the Dark Arts classes,

Frank: I should hope so! You know, that is sort of the reason for having those sort of classes...

and Black, with his waxy white skin, looked just like one.

Lucius: ::eyes widen:: You're a vampire?

Sirius: No, it says looks like...

Lucius: GET AWAY FROM ME, VAMPIRE!!!

Everyone Else: ::scoots a little farther away from Sirius.::

Remus: ::gives Sirius an encouraging smile::

"Scary-lookin' fing, inee?"

Regulus: ::jokingly:: I'll say!

Lucius: ::eye twitch:: Lack...proper...English...Cannot...read...

said Stan, who had been watching Harry read.

Alice: You know, I always get nervous when people watch me read.

Frank: Why is that?

Alice: I don't know...I just don't like people watching me, I suppose.

"He murdered thirteen people?" said Harry, handing the page back to Stan, "with one curse?"

Everyone: ::scoot a little bit farther from Sirius::

Sirius: I DIDN'T MEAN TOO!!!

"Yep," said Stan, "in front of witnesses an' all.

Snape: Not only is he a murder, he's an idiot.

Broad daylight.

Bella: Real big idiot.

Big trouble it caused, dinnit, Ern?"

Peter: ::jokes:: I'd say! Imagine the smell!

Sirius: ::begins to sob again::

Peter: Aww...Come on, Sirius, I'm sure it wasn't you...

Sirius: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!

Peter: ::jumps back, shocked:: Well, fine! Maybe it was you!

Sirius: NO IT WASN'T!!!

Remus: ::Trying to be reasonable:: Well...

Sirius: ::begins crying again:: Not you too, Remus! Now the entire world is against me!!

"Ar," said Ern darkly.

Lucius: I like the dark.

Snape: So do I.

Narcissa: And between you and me, both boys like to play with dolls and put ribbons in their hair and do each others make up in the dark.

Lucius/Snape: NARCISSA!!!

Lily: ::giggling:: ::leans of to whisper to Tonks:: They haven't denied it, have they?

Tonks: ::giggles as well::

Stan swiveled in his armchair, his hands on the back, the better to look at Harry.

Lily: Why does he want to see Harry?

Frank: Maybe he's a stalker.

Lily: Maybe...::thinks about it for a moment::

"Black woz a big supporter of You-Know-'Oo," he said.

Everyone: Ooh!!

Sirius: I am not!

Bella: Maybe you become a supporter of You-Know-Who.

Others: ::gasp!::

Sirius: But-but I wouldn't!

Remus: ::darkly:: You don't know that.

Sirius: ::begins crying harder::

"What,

Regulus: ::as if he's still reading:: You know who?

Alice: ::looks over his shoulder:: That's not what it says!

Regulus: But I can't say it!

Frank: ::looks over Regulus' shoulder:: Yeah, you can.

Regulus: Fine!

Voldemort?"

Everyone: ::flinch::

Regulus: Excuse me, I need to go worship pagan idols and beg for forgiveness of my sins...

said Harry, without thinking.

Snape: Tends to do that a lot, doesn't he?

Even Stan's pimples went white;

Everyone: EWWWWW!!!!

Remus: Okay, that was way too much information!

Ern jerked the steering wheel so hard that a whole farmhouse had to jump aside to avoid the bus.

Tonks: ::laughs::

Bella: ::on her knees:: Thank God I"m not on that bus!

"You outta your tree?"

Lucius: 'You outta your tree?' Hm, have to say, I've never heard that one before...

yelped Stan. "'Choo say 'is name for?"

Regulus: Really, now!

Alice: ::arms around Tonks protectively:: Your going to give the poor child nightmares for years for that!

Tonks: Actually, I...

Narcissa: ::picks Tonks up:: You poor baby! I had completely forgotten you were here! No worries, though, Aunt Narcissa is here.

Tonks: ::mumbles about being treated like a child even though she's a whole eight years old and ought to be treated with more respect::

Everyone Else: ::ignores her::

"Sorry," said Harry hastily.

Regulus: Sorry? Do you know how many pagan idols I've had to worship because of your blunder?!

"Sorry, I -- I forgot --"

Frank: Give the kid a break, Regulus. He's just forgetful.

Lucius: Like you, Longbottom? You couldn't remember where your own head was if it wasn't attached. ::gives evil, snarky glare::

Frank: ::rolls up sleeve:: Why I ought...::goes to attack Lucius::

Alice/Lily/Remus: ::hold him back::

Frank: Let me at 'em!

Sirius: ::watches:: If anyone around here is going to be kicking some arse, it'll be me.

Everyone: ::looks at Sirius with fear:: ::back away from him slowly::

Frank: Er, right. Sorry about that, Sirius.

"Forgot!" said Stan weakly. "Blimey, my 'eart's goin' that fast ..."

Regulus: I know!

"So -- so Black

Narcissa: Soso Black...Hmm, can't remember exactly, but isn't that our first cousin, Bella?

Bella: Hmm...Now that you mention it, it does sound familiar.

Peter: ::gawks:: You have a cousin named Soso?

Regulus: No, Soso is our Uncle, remember?

Narcissa/Bella: Oh yeah!

was a supporter of You-Know-Who?"

Regulus/Bella: ::Thinks about it:: Yeah, probably.

Sirius: ::eye twitch:: I think they're talking about me.

Narcissa: No they aren't. They're talking about Uncle Soso.

Sirius: ::shrugs shoulder:: Hey, it's fine with me.

Harry prompted apologetically.

Remus: No need to apologize, Harry. They just over-reacted a bit.

Peter: Reminds me of someone else in this room...::looks at Remus::

"Yeah," said Stan, still rubbing his chest.

Lily: ::jumps up:: Oh, for goodness sakes! It's just a name!

::pause::

Lucius: Just a name, Evans?

Lily: Yes. It's just a name.

Regulus: Then say it.

::pause::

Lily: Fine then, I will. ::deep breath:: Voldemort.

Everyone Else: ::screams::

Alice: NOO!!!! Lily, don't say it! H-he'll hear you and then he'll kill you if you say his name!

Lily: Oh, good grief, no he won't! He's just a man! A powerful, dangerous, evil, and twisted man, but he is still just a man.

Bella: Brave, Evans. Unfortunately, I'm afraid you'll find your end like most brave people-six feet under ground.

Lily: ::eye twitch:: I'm not afraid of him, or his name.

Snape: You don't fear him now, Mudblood, but you will when you come home and find the Dark Mark above your home. Then you will fear our Lord.

Lily: Bring it on. I refuse to be afraid of him any longer.

"Yeah, that's right. Very close to You-Know-'Oo,

Lily: Voldemort.

Others: ::flinch::

Lily: ::snarky grin::

they say.

Remus: They say... why do I get the feeling that those two words are going to be relevant to the plot?

Anyway, when little 'Arry Potter

Peter: 'Arry Potter?

Sirius: ::giggles:: 'Arry Potter!

Alice: I didn't know my godson's name was 'Arry!

Frank: I always thought he was a rather hairy fella, anyway.

Tonks: I know! Little 'Arry is so hairy it's almost impossible to see the little guy...

Lily: Ha ha ha, you guys have had your fun, now stop making fun of my son's name!

got the better of You-Know-'Oo --"

Lily: Voldemort.

Everyone Else: ::flinch::

Lily: ::grins::

Harry nervously flattened his bangs down again.

Narcissa: I almost sort of wish James was here, so we could have a visual aid.

Snape: Bite your tongue!

"-- all You-Know-'Oo's

Lily: ::with modest boredom:: Voldemort.

Everyone Else: ::flinch::

Lily: This is so much fun! ::giggles::

supporters

Snape/Lucius/Bella: ::raise hands:: That'd be us!

was tracked down, wasn't they, Ern? Most of 'em knew it was all over,

Bella: NEVER SURRENDER!!!!

wiv

Lucius: Let's see now...Lesson, um, what lesson number am I on again?

Remus: ::with author's laptop:: Lesson Three.

Lucius: Oh, right. Lesson Three, then. ::coughs:: 'wiv' is not a word.

Everyone Else: ::clap politely::

Narcissa: Go, Lucius, go! Teach English to the world!

Lucius: ::bows before sitting down again::

You-Know-'Oo

Lily: Voldemort.

Everyone Else: ::flinch::

Lily: Never gets old, does it?

gone, and they came quiet.

Snape: Quiet? Most Death Eaters don't know the meaning of the word.

But not Sirius Black.

Everyone Except Sirius: ::flinch::

Sirius: Oh, come on! That's not funny!

I 'eard he thought 'e'd be second-in-command once You-Know-'Oo 'ad taken over.

Bella/Lucius: ::jump up:: WHAT?! HOW DARE HE TRY TO TAKE MY PLACE? ::look at each other::

Bella: ::growls::

Lucius: Er, right, I'll just...back away slowly like the coward I am. ::does so.::

Bella: ::smiles::

Anyway, they cornered Black in the middle of a street full of Muggles

Frank: ::rubs forehead:: Idiots. The Ministry is run by idiots. ::shakes head disappointedly::

an' Black took out 'is wand

Peter: Sirius has a wand?

Lucius: I wonder how long it is.

Bella: It's probably very small.

Alice: ::grins:: To hear those Ravenclaws girls tell it, they'd say his wand is quite large...

MVTSMLM: Okay, no more sex jokes. There are children in the audience, after all.

and 'e blasted 'alf the street apart,

Remus/Peter: Note to self. Don't piss Padfoot off. He's dangerous.

an' a wizard got it,

Snape: Poor soul.

Frank: Oh, yes, let us morn for wizard.

Everyone: ::lifts Butterbeers:: To The Fallen One! ::drinks Butterbeers::

an' so did a dozen Muggles what got in the way.

Lucius: ::groans:: I'm not even going to try to make that sentence make sense.

'Orrible, eh? An' you know what Black did then?"

Lily: Ran away, taught himself how to be an animagus, then lived as a household pet for the next 15 years?

Others: ::stare::

Lily: What? It could happen!

Stan continued in a dramatic whisper.

Old Record Player: ::plays corny dramatic music::

"What?" said Harry.

Sirius: Yes! Tell me! The suspense is killing me!

"Laughed,"

::pause::

Everyone: ::stares::

Regulus: Sirius, you are one sick, twisted bastard.

Sirius: That-I don't...That doesn't make sense!

Snape: Not to mention a stupid, sick, twisted bastard. Gosh, he could have run away!

said Stan. "Jus' stood there an' laughed. An' when reinforcements from the Ministry of Magic got there, I 'e went wiv em quiet as anyfink, still laughing 'is 'ead off.

Lucius: ::groans:: I'm not even going to try to translate that sentence...

Sirius: ::blinks:: That's it. I must have gone insane. That's just....Not me.

Peter: Yeah...Before I wasn't for sure, but now I know it isn't you.

Remus: Yep! Same here!

Sirius: Aww...Thanks you guys! ::hugs both Peter and Remus.::

Everyone Else: ::backs away::

'Cos 'e's mad, inee, Ern? Inee mad?"

Sirius: ::slams fist down:: MAD AM I? I'LL SHOW YOU MAD! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!!! MUHAHAHA!!!

Peter/Remus: ::laugh::

"If he weren't when he went to Azkaban, he will be now,"

Bella: Good point. ::shivers::

said Ern in his slow voice.

Peter: ::extremely slowly:: T-h-a-t-s n-o-t s-l-ow...T-h-i-s i-s s-l-o-w...

Narcissa: ARG!!! First the thumping, now the slow talking!! Is there ever a time when you are not annoying?

Peter: Yes.

Narcissa: Really? When?

Peter: When I'm asleep. ::grins::

"I'd blow meself up before I set foot in that place.

Frank: ::shivers:: So would I...::shivers again::

Serves him right, mind you ... after what he did...."

Sirius: ::begins crying again::

Lily: You know, Sirius, I have nothing against you personally, but don't you think all this crying is making you seem rather...girlish?

Sirius: ::cries harder::

Remus: ::pats Lily on the back:: It's no use. He's gone and I don't know if he'll ever come back...

"They 'ad a job coverin' it up, din' they, Ern?"

Alice: I imagine!

Bella: That would be quite hard to cover up with Muggles, now that I think about it.

Tonks: I wonder what the excuse was?

Stan said.

Lucius: Nah, really? It thought Ernie was just talking to himself!

"'Ole street blown up an' all them Muggles dead.

Slytherins: ::waves large victory flag::

Sirius: ::sobbing:: I DIDN'T DO IT, I TELL YA!!! IT WASN'T ME!!!

Snape: Yeah, right. Tell that to the judge!

What was it they said ad 'appened, Ern?"

Lucius: ::eye twitch:: No-proper-English...Must-teach--lesson...

"Gas explosion,"

Remus: Gas explosion?!

Peter: Wow, Gas...I would have never imagined eating too many beans would do that to a street...And we all know Sirius has the worst gas in the world...

Sirius: ::smiles meekly::

grunted Ernie.

Snape: Oh, come on! I can grunt better than that!

Tonks: Can you?

Snape: Sure! ::grunt::

Tonks: ::giggles::

"An' now 'e's out,"

Lucius: ::falls on his knees:: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMPROPER GRAMMAR!! MUST-DO-SOMETHING!!!!

said Stan, examining the newspaper picture of Black's gaunt face again.

Alice: Oh, I don't know... I think Sirius is rather handsome myself.

Frank: ::his pride is hurt, so he pouts::

Bella: Not after spending twelve years in Azkaban.

Alice: ::nods:: True.

"Never been a breakout from Azkaban before, 'as there, Ern?

Lily: ::with large textbook in lap:: Well, actually, in the year 1954 just after prison was built, one of the first prisoners ever to be imprisoned in Azkaban managed to escape after just a few measly weeks after he had been arrested. Of course, this was before they had Dementor guards, so I suppose you do have to take that fact into consideration. Yet, when...

Sirius: Lily...

Lily: Yes, Sirius?

Sirius: Do shut up. You aren't helping much.

Beats me 'ow 'e did it.

Alice: ::looks at Frank, who is pouting:: What's wrong?

Frank: ::continues to pout::

Alice: I can't make anything better if I don't know what's wrong...

Frank: I'll tell you what's wrong! We sit here, day in and day out, listening to a story told about James and Lily's kid, whom is friend's with our kid, and yet you sit here and tell me you think a mass murder is handsome! I'm the one you're suppose to fall for!!

Alice: ::laughs:: You're jealous? You, the famous Death-Eater catching, curse-breaking Auror, are jealous because I said Sirius is hot?!

Lily: ::laughs:: Don't take it personal, Frank. I think Sirius is dead sexy myself...

Bella: ::begins to turn an awful shade of green::

Lily: ...But I would never in a million years date him.

Tonks: Yeah, I mean, even the all-mighty, all-powerful fic writer thinks Sirius is hot, so it's really nothing to worry about...

Regulus: Speaking of the devil, where is she? We haven't heard from her in a while.

Remus: ::rolls eyes:: She's reading fanfiction. That's all she ever does anymore. That's also why she hasn't updated in...

MVTSMLM: ::glares, with lightning bolts::

Remus: Heh...Never mind. But, yeah, she's out reading fanfiction...

Snape: That's all she did to begin with. That's how this story came into existence!! Reading too much fanfiction!

MVTSMLM: Hey! Can I help it if I've found some good, novel-length H/Hr post-Ootp stories finally? Let me tell you, those are hard to find! ::goes away to continue reading more fanfiction::

Frightenin', eh?

Sirius: Who, me? ::batts eyes::

Mind, I don't fancy 'is chances against them Azkaban guards, eh, Ern?"

Narcissa: Why do they keep on referring to them as Azkaban guards? Why not Dementors?

Others: ::shrug::

Ernie suddenly shivered.

Lucius: Shivered up and died. Bye bye Ernie!!

Remus: That's shriveled up and died...Oh, never mind. No one listens to me anyway...

"Talk about summat else,

Sirius: Not a problem. Does anyone want to talk about Quidditch?

::crickets::

Sirius: Play Exploding Snap?

::even louder crickets::

Sirius: ::winces:: Do our homework?!

::crickets are so loud they'd give you a head ache.::

Lily: Huh? Did you say something, Sirius? We weren't listening to you.

Sirius: ::goes to bang his head on something hard::

Stan, there's a good lad.

Lucius: I wouldn't say that Stan is...a good lad, to speak...

Bella: He's five!

Tonks: Yeah! He's younger than me!

Narcissa: Right.

Lucius: Whatever, I'm just saying he's not the most well-behaved child there is.

Them Azkaban guards give me the collywobbles."

Regulus: Collywobbles? What are collywobbles?

Lily: ::with her large textbook: collywobbles >plural noun informal, chiefly humorous 1 stomach pain or queasiness. 2 intense anxiety.

-ORIGIN formed from colic and wobble.

Regulus: Er...Thanks.

Lily: No problem. ::grins::

Stan put the paper away reluctantly,

Lucius: Ah, well, at least he put it away. It's better than what he did when I saw him last.

Narcissa: Maybe he just doesn't listen to his parents. I know I don't. Kids are odd that way.

and Harry leaned against the window of the Knight Bus,

Bella: NO, HARRY, DON'T!!! THE WINDOW SEAT IS THE WORST SEAT ON THERE!!!!

feeling worse than ever.

Lily: Oh no!!! My baby is sick!!!

Girls: ::in unison:: Poor Harry!!!

He couldn't help imagining what Stan might be telling his passengers in a few nights' time.

Sirius: Probably the same thing. "Sirius Black, really evil wizard here. Killed thirteen people with one curse. With a gas explosion." Same old, same old.

Peter: Of course! How could we forget the gas explosion! Sirius, you must have been eating plenty of beans that evening...

Everyone Else: ::laughs::

"'Ear about that 'Arry Potter?

Lily: ::joking:: Oh, 'Arry! My other son!

Alice: I was beginning to wonder about him...

Blew up 'is aunt!

Remus: 'Arry didn't! Harry did!

Sirius: Ah, well. If he can pin the blame on his brother, more power to him, I say.

Regulus: Hey!!! I resent that!

Sirius: No, you resemble it. What else is new?

We 'ad 'im 'ere on the Knight Bus, di'n't we, Ern?

Frank: And so begins the trouble of twins. Never can figure them out.

Lucius: ::eye twitch:: Grammer...Needed...

'E was tryin' to run for it...."

Bella: Ya, well, that's just because he panics.

Lucius: ::runs at the book with a large English book:: DIE!!!!!

Others: ::stop him::

He, Harry, had broken wizard law just like Sirius Black.

Lily: ::blinks::

Sirius: Uh oh...

Lily: ::turns red:: Sirius!!!

Sirius: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Lily: YOU AREN'T ALLOWED NEAR MY SON!!! HEAR ME?!

Sirius: ::meep::

Was inflating Aunt Marge bad enough to land him in Azkaban?

Everyone: ::blinks::

Alice: Okay, he panics.

Remus: How many times do I have to tell you? That's not always a bad thing!

Harry didn't know anything about the wizard prison,

Lucius: Poor kid. Denied of his pure wizarding blood...It's such a shame...

Lily: ::blinks:: Ah, Lucius...

Lucius: I mean, I could understand if he was, oh, say a Mudblood, but come on! He's a pure...

Lily: ...Half-blood. I'm a Muggle-born, remember?

Lucius: ::falls to his knees:: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

though everyone he'd ever heard speak of it did so in the same fearful tone.

Old Forgotten Record Player: ::scary, freaky music::

Hagrid,

Snape: Stupid, half-giant oaf...

the Hogwarts gamekeeper,

Bella: Well, at least he's still the gamekeeper. Imagine if they made him a teacher...::shudders::

had spent two months there only last year.

Regulus: ::raises eyebrow:: Oh really? Why?

Narcissa: Who knows? He probably let some giant evil monster out on the school...

Regulus: ::nods:: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Harry wouldn't soon forget the look of terror on Hagrid's face

Lucius: Aw, come on, Harry! You should have taken a picture!

Snape: Don't you know how rare it is to see fear that strong in that oaf?

when he had been told where he was going,

Frank: ::begins to shake:: Don't blame him...Don't blame him at all...::shaking hard::

and Hagrid was one of the bravest people Harry knew.

Bella: Must not know very many people, then,

Lily: Oh, I don't know...I think Hagrid is rather brave.

Tonks: Really?

Lily: Of course. He does take care of rather freighting creatures, wouldn't you say?

The Knight Bus rolled through the darkness,

Everyone: ::wiggles their fingers:: Ooh!! Mysterious!!!

Old Record Player: ::plays mysterious music::

scattering bushes and wastebaskets, telephone booths and trees,

Lily: Oh!

Remus: Must be an Anti-Crash charm.

Lily: I know that!

Remus: Then why did you say Oh?!

Lily: I was wondering why you would need to avoid a tree...Surely Ernie isn't that bad of a driver.

Bella: ::begins to gag herself:: Don't ask...Please, don't ask!

and Harry lay, restless and miserable,

Girls: Awww!!! Poor Harry!!!

on his feather bed.

Sirius: Ooh...Comfy. ::smiles::

After a while,

Peter: ::in a weird narrator voice:: Three hundred and sixty five years later....

Stan remembered

Everyone: ::gasps!::

Narcissa: Stan remembered?

Frank: It's a miracle!

Snape: Three Hundred and Sixty Five Years later he remembered something!

Lucius: I'm so proud!

that Harry

Bella: -was still on the bus. "Opps!" He said, letting the poor, three hundred and sixty five years older boy get off the bus.

had paid for hot chocolate, but

Sirius: Er, not a good idea, Harry...Last time I got hot chocolate they...

poured it all over Harry's pillow

Sirius: ::sighs:: Tried to warn you.

Bella: That's how they rip you off, you know. It's not actually hot chocolate, it just looks like it. Then they spill it 'accidently' on your pillow. Next they'll tell you their out of hot chocolate. By that time you'll be so aggravated that you don't care that you paid extra gallons.

Others: ::blink::

Bella: What? It's true!

when the bus moved abruptly from Anglesea to Aberdeen.

Remus: To prove that, once again, the author is both stupid and blonde, there will be no comment, seeing as she doesn't know enough geography to tell you where or what Anglesea or Aberdeen are.

One by one,

Tonks: The ants go marching one by one, hora, hora! The ants go marching one by one, hora, hora!

wizards and witches in dressing gowns

Narcissa: Dressing gowns...What do they mean by dressing gowns? Do they mean pajamas?

and slippers

Alice: That sounds like a pretty good guess, Narcissa.

descended from the upper floors to leave the bus.

Bella: HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!

Snape: You'll be ready when this chapter is over, won't you?

Bella: It isn't ending soon enough...

They all looked very pleased to go.

Regulus: So is Bellatrix. And trust me, she gets cranky when she doesn't get her way...

Finally, Harry was the only passenger left.

Lily: Stupid prats. They probably made sure Harry would be the last one off on purpose!

Remus: Really! Now the Ministry will really catch up with him!

"Right then, Neville,"

Frank/Alice: ::swell up with pride at the word 'Neville'::

said Stan, clapping his hands, "where abouts in London?"

Remus: Once more, to prove our point that the author is indeed an idiot, there will be no sarcastic remark about the London area, because the author simply has never been there, so it would be hard to insult a place she knows so very little about.

"Diagon Alley," said Harry.

Peter: Did you know, if you say it three times fast, Diagon Alley sounds an awful lot like diagonally?

Everyone Else: Nah, really! Ya think?!

"Righto," said Stan. "'Old tight, then."

Sirius: 'Old Tight?'

Lily: I think he means hold tight.

Sirius: ...Oh.

Lily: At least, I hope so. If not, we are in trouble...

BANG.

And we interrupt this lovely MST to bring you an interruption. Done purposely. Actually does effect the plot, if you could say this story has a plot...

James: ::bangs the door down::

Good Guys plus Lucius: James!! ::runs to hug James:

Bad Guys minus Lucius: ::odd looks::

James: Aw, you guys missed me!

Lily: ::hugs James:: Yay! I can go back to hating you behind your back again!

Lucius: ::hugs James::

James: ::blinks:: Uh...Malfoy, why are you hugging me?

Lucius: I'm not going to be called girly anymore! ::blinks:: Oh, uh, sorry. ::jumps off:::

Bella: Mind telling us where you've been all this time, Potter?

James: ::grins:: I've been introduced to the fandom!! ::squees::

Others: ::groan::

Remus: Congratulations, James!

James: ::grinning:: I know! Fandom rocks!!

Snape: ::eye glare:: Potter...A word.

James: About what, Snapey?

Snape: ::eye twitch:: You're wardrobe.

Everyone: ::for the first time, everyone notices that he's changed clothes. He is now wearing a bright orange muggle shirt with the words 'Pumpkin Pie Rules!!!!'. On the back is has only three letters: H/Hr::

James: What's wrong with my wardrobe? I happen to ship this ship, thank you!

Snape: Because...::removes his black robes:: I'M A GOOD SHIPPER!!

Everyone: ::notices his bright red shirt, which says 'I believe in trees' on the front and 'R/Hr' on the back:: ::gasps::

James: DEMON!!

Snape: COWARD!!

James: Oh, come on! You know she likes Harry!!

Snape: Apparently you haven't read the books! It's obvious that Ron and Hermione get together...

James: Apparently you haven't read the books! Else you'd know that the obvious never happens in the books!

Snape: Why you!!!

MVTSMLM: ::zaps them:: Stop this!! Now, come on! I'm so close to finishing the chapter, last thing I need is for you two to kill each other. Now finish the chapter, damnit!!

Frank: But we've been reading for so long! Can't we take a break?

MVTSMLM: NO!!! You've got to finish the chapter!

Everyone: ::puppy dog eyes::

MVTSMLM: Oh, fine! But I'll be posting the rest of the chapter soon, so don't enjoy yourselves too much!