A MST of a Different Kind

MVTSMLM: We're back!!

Others: ::grumble grumple meep and moan:Door: ::opens::

Sirius: DAMNIT, NOT ANOTHER CHARACTER!! HAVEN'T WE HAD ENOUGH?

Lily_Clone: ::appears at the door:: ::blinks::

Everyone: ::gasps::

Lily at the Door: Where...Am I? Last thing I remember was I was kidnapped by an evil fanfic writer and forced to read a book about my teenage son...Where am I now?

Others: ::stare::

Door: ::bust open::

P.D. Yerf (with ferret Riley Snave): Oh, Jeesh, we found her! Thank goodness!! We were starting to think she'd escaped into the canon.

Lily at the door: ::jumps up:: No!! It's you! I won't leave! You can't make! You-

MVTSMLM: ::lightning bolts her:: There, that should do.

P.D. Yerf: Thanks Jak!

MVTSMLM: Anytime.

P.D. Yeft and Ferret Riley Snave: ::wheel their Lily out of there:: ::they yell "H/Hr suck" by way most people say goodbye::

MVTSMLM: R/Hr is a sinking ship!! ::waves goodbye::

Tonks: ...That was random.

Remus: This entire fic is random, what else is new?

MVTSMLM: Oh...I suppose your right.

Peter: Okay that was...weird.

MVTSMLM: I know. ::sniffs:: I miss them already. It's always so much fun when you have other authors with you.

::in the background::

Snape: GOOD SHIP!!!

James: PUMPKIN PIE!!!

Snape: GOOD SHIP!!!

James: I SAID PUMPKIN PIE, DAMNIT!!!

Snape: AND I SAID GOOD SHIP!! DIDN'T YOU SEE ALL THE REVIEWERS TELLING HER HOW MUCH THEY AGREE WITH ME?!

James: I KNOW!! BUT I HAVE THE AUTHOR ON MY SIDE, SO TAKE THAT!!! ::sticks out tongue::

MVTSMLM: ::zaps them both:: Ship wars can get so dull occasionally... ::yawns:: Now finish the chapter, damnit!

MSTeteers: ::groan::

MVTSMLM: Do as I say!

They were thundering along Charing Cross Road.

Regulus: I suppose this mean they're going to Diagon Alley?

Alice: Duh! They said that in the last chapter, nitwick!

Harry sat up and watched buildings

Lucius: ::raises eyebrow:: Come on, kid, how dull can you get?

and benches squeezing themselves out of the Knight Bus's way.

Everyone Else: Ooh!

Sirius: That is interesting!

Lucius: ::swears heavily::

The sky was getting a little lighter.

Regulus: Stupid light. I like the dark better.

Peter: I think the bus agrees with you.

Regulus: Huh?

Peter: Get it? Knight Bus, likes the Night? ::crickets:: Come on, now...

He would lie low for a couple of hours,

Tonks: Err, why would he have to lie low? I've always found it much more comfortable to lie someplace higher.

Narcissa: Maybe he's afraid of heights?

James: He can't be, he's a seeker...And why is he on the Knight Bus again?

Remus: ::smacks head on desk:: I thought you were being introduced to the fandom last chapter! Didn't she show you her fic? This fic?

James: Yep! I liked it too. Except for the parts that made fun of me, which happens every other line.

Remus: Want to read it now?

James: Sure!

Remus/James: ::stare at author's laptop::

James: Um, Moony...why isn't there...Oh! Look! What I just said was typed! And that! Ooh! I wonder, if I say Lily and James forever and always, will it...Ah ha! It will be typed! Everything I say is in the story!! Muhahaha!!!

MVTSMLM: ::lightning bolt:: Cool it, James. Only I'm allowed a diabolical and evil laugh. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

go to Gringotts the moment it opened, then set off --

Lily: To Never Land, where all his dreams could come true. For the first time since he was a baby, he would see his parents, and then he would introduce them to his girlfriend, Hermione...

Sirius: Ginny.

Lily: No, I believe I said Hermione. ::eye twitch::

Sirius: Yeah, and I said Ginny.

James/Snape: ::look at each other.:: ::evil grin::

Snape: ORANGE CRUSH!

James: PUMPKIN PIE!

MVTSMLM: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::zaps them both:: There, that should do.

where, he didn't know.

Bella: That...Almost doesn't make sense...

Ern slammed on the brakes

Room of Requirement: ::slams forward::

Everyone: WHAT THE HELL?!

Author's Mother: JESSICA ANN!! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT DRIVING AND TYPING AT THE SAME TIME?!

Jakia, also known as Jessica Ann, which is also the Mysterious Voice That Sounds Mysteriously Like Both of Those Names: SORRY MOM!!! ::looks at everyone else:: What? Can I help that I'm learning to drive at the same time I'm writing this fic?

Remus: A fair warning to those Harry Potter fans living in Arkansas, USA...STAY OFF THE ROADS!!!!

and the Knight Bus skidded to a halt in front of a small and shabby- looking pub,

Lucius: My favorite place! Hog's Head!

Frank: Umm...No, I think it's the Leaky Cauldron.

Lucius: Hog's Head!

Frank: Dude, it's the Leaky Cauldron!

Lucius: What makes you say that?

Frank: Duh! He said he was going to Diagon Alley!

Lucius: Oh yeah...

the Leaky Cauldron,

Frank: YEAH BABY!! I RULE! ::does a little dance::

Tonks: ::giggles slightly::

behind which lay the magical entrance to Diagon Alley.

Peter: Did you know if you say Diagon Alley three times fast it sounds like Diagonally?

Alice: Haven't we said that before?

Remus: Probably. Ah, well, it never gets old.

"Thanks," Harry said to Ern.

Everyone: For what?

He jumped down the steps and helped Stan lower his trunk

Lucius: Stupid boy-make Stan do it! Lord knows he's not good enough for anything else!

and Hedwig's

Bella: ::sighs heavily:: Of course, we must bring up the bird once again...I"m really starting to pity this boy...

cage onto the pavement.

"Well," said Harry.

Lily: ::snickering and joking:: Harry?

Regulus: Are you sure it's not 'Arry?

Tonks: But if it was 'Arry, then where did Harry go?

Sirius: Oh, he died.

Everyone: He did?

Sirius: Yep!

Remus: How'd he die, Sirius?

Sirius: Gas. ::snarky grin, then farts::

Everyone: EWW!! GROSS!! SIRIUS!!

Remus: ::looks up at the author:: You know that's a very immature joke, don't you?

MVTSMLM: Oh, shut up. It's realistic.

"'Bye then!"

Everyone: ::cheers loudly::

Bella: ::waves flag which reads as: NO MORE KNIGHT BUS!!! YAY!!!::

But Stan wasn't paying attention.

Narcissa: Smarmy bastard...I say we hex him.

Snape: I second that motion.

Lucius: All in favor of killing the kid with improper grammar say 'Aye!'

Several Reviewers: Aye!

Still standing in the doorway to the bus he was goggling at the shadowy entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.

Peter: ::pretending to finish the story:: There, unbelievably, was Sirius Black, masked murder of thousands...

Sirius: ...Dressed, even more unbelievably, in a cloak of white. Who had ever heard of a Black wearing white? It was unbelievable...

Remus: ... "I was framed," The culprit claimed, flaunting his pearly-white, anti-canon cloak. "I'm actually a good guy..."

Lily: ...Then Harry, sweet, lovable Harry, believed him, because bad guys just aren't allowed to wear white...

Alice: ...Especially after Labor Day...

James: ...And the ex-convict and Harry rode off on a flying motorcycle, soon to resurrect Harry's long lost dead parents, who, as it was, weren't really dead, instead, were captured...

Regulus: ...By evil, brain sucking zombies! MUHAHAHA!!!

Narcissa/Bella/Lucius: ::blink::

Tonks: ::laughs with all her child-like cuteness:: That was a funny story! You guys should do another one!

Sirius: ::grins at Tonks:: Maybe later. We've got to finish reading this story first, else the Authoress will kill us.

"There you are, Harry," said a voice.

Old Record Player: ::plays mysterious music::

Lucius: ::falls to the ground in fake horror:: Oh no, it's...No! It can't be! It's...

Everyone: The Voice!

The Voice: MUHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Before Harry could turn, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Old Record Player: ::plays scary music::

At the same time, Stan shouted,

Peter: ::pretending:: "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Blimey! Ern, come 'ere! Come 'ere I"

Frank: ::pretending again:: But alas, poor Stan was an idiot, and didn't see the masked murder right behind him...

Harry looked up at the owner of the hand on his shoulder

Old Record Player: ::plays creepy old music::

Peter: Dun dun dun!

and felt a bucketful of ice cascade into his stomach --

Everyone: ::gasp::

he had walked right into

Sirius: It's a ghost!

Frank: That's no ghost! That's...

Bella: ::puts her hand in front of Frank's mouth:: Don't say it! It's far too horrible to mention!

Frank: Well, I was going to say Dementors, but okay...

Cornelius Fudge,

Everyone: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the Minister of Magic himself.

Everyone: ::an ever louder:: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Stan leapt onto the pavement beside them.

Narcissa: Stupid Stan...I thought we we're going to kill him?

Bella: Oh, we are. We're just arguing the best ways to. Snape here says just to Avada Kedvra him and get it over with, while I say Crucio him until the point of insanity...

"What didja call Neville,

Frank/Alice: ::swell up with pride::

MVTSMLM: Do you want to see what he looks like?

Frank/Alice: ::jump up:: YES!!!

MVTSMLM: Okay, here you go. ::hands them a picture of Neville, fifth year::

Frank/Alice: ::devote all of their time and attention to the picture of Neville, who is waving nervously.::

Lily: Can I have a picture of Harry?

MVTSMLM: Maybe later.

Lily: ::mouth opens:: But-but that's not fair!

MVTSMLM: In the words of my English teacher, "Whoever said life was fair lied to you."

Lily: ::grumbles::

Minister?"

Lucius: That would be me, right? You know, all powerful, all mighty Minister of Magic?

Bella/Narcissa/Snape/Regulus: We wish!

Others: ::run, hiding and shrieking in terror::

Lucius: Aww...Thanks. Now I know if I ever decide to run, I'll at least have ya'lls vote! ::pause:: Did I just say ya'll?

he said excitedly.

Alice: ::squees excitedly:: Sorry, couldn't help myself. ::holds up picture of Neville:: He has my eyes! Did you hear me? HE HAS MY EYES!!! ::giggles excitedly::

Fudge,

Tonks: What kind?

Others: Huh?

Tonks: Yeah, what kind of Fudge? There are a lot of different kinds of Fudge. There's Fudge Marble, there's White Chocolate Fudge, and there's...

Remus: Tonks, hun, they're talking about Cornelius Fudge.

Tonks: Really? I've never had that kind. Is it any good?

Sirius: :: with a snarky grin:: No, it's horrible. You should never have anything that has to do with Cornelius Fudge.

James: ::with an identical snarky grin:: Especially people who are named after it. They tend to be even worse.

Tonks: ::shrug shoulders:: Okay. If you say so.

a portly little man

Lily: ::with large dictionary in hand:: Portly: adjective (portlier, portliest) (especially of a man) rather fat.

Peter: Also known as Understatement of the Century.

in a long, pinstriped

Bella: Pinstriped? Who wears pinstriped?

cloak, looked cold and exhausted.

James: What the hell is he even doing there? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the middle of the night?

Sirius: Maybe they're looking for the escaped convict who shares the same name as me?

James: ::nods:: Maybe.

"Neville?"

Alice: ::squees::

Frank: He looks like me!! ::holds the picture:: See? He has my smile! And my hair!

Alice: Yes, but he looks more like me in the face.

Frank: ::nods:: Yeah, your right, he does.

MVTSMLM: I'm starting to think that the worst thing I ever did was give them that picture...

he repeated, frowning.

Lily: Why frown at Neville? He is my Godson, after all! ::pauses:: Now can I have a picture of Harry?

MVTSMLM: NO!!

"This is Harry Potter."

Peter: As long as your sure.

Remus: You can never tell with twins.

James: Yeah! For all you know, it could be Arry!

"I knew it!" Stan shouted gleefully.

Narcissa: I say we kill him. Now.

Lucius/Narcissa/Snape/Bella/Regulus: ALRIGHT!!!

MVTSMLM: ::zaps them:: There will be no killing in this fic. If it is, it's going to be me doing the killing.

"Ern! Ern!

James: ::sobs::

Guess 'oo Neville

Frank/Alice: ::squee of delight::

Lucius: ::eye twitch::

is, Ern!

James: ::sobs louder::

'E's 'Arry Potter!

Remus: ::jumps up:: I told you it was 'Arry!

Lily: I wonder why 'Arry is E's though, whoever E is.

Sirius: Maybe E is his girlfriend.

Lucius: ::aggravated:: Or maybe Stan can't speak English well and is trying to say "He's Harry Potter!"

Regulus: Yeah, but where's the fun in that?

I can see 'is scar!"

Lily: My poor baby... Getting so much unwanted attention...Poor baby...

Peter: You know, most kids would die to be famous.

Lily: Yes-but not my little boy.

James: Well, at least he has your modesty.

Lily: Yes, thankfully.

James: Yeah-HEY WAIT A MINUTE!! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN?!

"Yes," said Fudge testily,

Remus: Testily...Why don't I like that word?

"well, I'm very glad the Knight Bus picked Harry up, but he and I need to step inside the Leaky Cauldron now..."

Lily: Oh My God...

Alice: What is it, Lily?

Lily: The bastard is going to rape my son!

Everyone: ::gasps::

James: ::enraged:: HE WHAT?!

Lily: ::snickers:: Sorry--I just had to see what you guys would do if I said that.

Bella: ::sipping some Butterbeer:: Wouldn't put it past him, the bastard...

Sirius: You know, why do we all have this undenying hate for Fudge? What has he done to us now?

Remus: Don't diss canon, Sirius. Just don't diss canon...

Sirius: But it's not canon yet...

Remus: Shut up! The Others will be here soon, and who knows what they'll be like...

Everyone Else: ::gasp:: Others? Who are the others?

Remus: ::shivers:: You don't want to know-you just don't want to know...

Fudge increased the pressure on Harry's shoulder, and Harry found himself being steered inside the pub.

Old Record Player: ::plays Star Wars music::

Everyone Else: ::looks at it funny::

Lily: ::hums along::

MVTSMLM: Hey, can I help it if I have a Star Wars fetish?

Lily: Oh! You like Star Wars too?

MVTSMLM: Best movies ever made. Well, except Lord of the Rings, but that's a close second!

Lily: Any other seventies thing you're obsessed with?

MVTSMLM: Hmm...None that I can think of. My uncle is obsessed with the Beatles, though.

Lily: ::shrieks:: THE BEATLES?! Paul is to die for! ::swoons::

James: ::looks curiously:: Why would she get so worked up over a bug?

Sirius: Better yet, why would anyone name a Beatle Paul?

Others: ::shrug shoulders::

A stooping figure

Everyone: ::gasps::

Bella: It's...

Sirius: The convict who shares the same name as me!

bearing a lantern appeared through the door behind the bar.

Old Record Player: ::plays creepy old music::

It was Tom,

Alice: Tom?

Regulus: Tom who?

Sirius: Tom Riddle, got an award for special services to the school about thirty years ago.

Remus: And you know this-how?

Sirius: Hey, as much as I've had to scrub that trophy I ought to know who he is!

the wizened, toothless landlord.

Narcissa: Eww...Tom Riddle is toothless?

Sirius: I dunno-all I know was he helped the Headmaster out thirty years ago.

Narcissa: ::peels back face with disgust::

Bella: ::in her own little world:: Where have I heard that name before?

"You've got him, Minister!"

Peter: Unfortunately.

said Tom. "Will you be wanting anything?

Frank: Sure! I'll have a large ice cream sundae with extra pineapple and peanuts.

Everyone Else: ::stares::

Alice: You have odd tastes, did you know that?

Frank: Yeah, but you love me anyway!

Alice: ::blush:: Maybe.

Beer?

Lily: ::eyes shot open:: He better not be offering my child Beer!

James: Unless it's Butterbeer, of course.

Sirius: Or Budweiser...

Lily: ::glare::

Sirius: ...Er, ignore what I just said.

Mysterious Government Officials Who We Haven't Seen in A Few Chapters: Ahem, Ms. Norwood?

Everyone: ::looks at the author::

Jakia: ::pops down for the first time in a while:: What's shaking?

Government Officials: ::glare:: We believe that the last line was completely inappropriate for the small children who may be reading this fic.

Jakia: So what do you want me to do? Up the rating?

Government Officials: No. We're going to take you in.

Jakia: Take me in? Where?!

Government Officials: Doesn't matter...Your coming with us, sister.

Jakia: WAIT!!! Who will continue my MST for me?

Mysterious Male Voice: That would be me.

::Door Opens:: ::Suddenly, standing there is a young man about 6"2' who is well built, with short black hair. He's carrying a sword::

Government Officials:: And who might you be?

Mysterious Guy: Who am I? WHO AM I?! YOU DARE QUESTION THE AUTHORITY OF THE ALMIGHTY TYPIST?!

Jakia: ::rolls eyes:: Cool it, Auron.

Auron, the Almighty Typist: Okay. ::sits down::

Government Officials: ::begin to drag Jakia off::

Jakia: WAIT!!! Can't I at least say goodbye?

Government Officials: ::look at one another:: Sure, I guess.

Jakia: Good. ::turns to everyone else:: Er, I guess this is goodbye. Don't worry-I'll be back. ::winks:: ::turns to Auron:: Isn't P.D. suppose to be with you?

Auron, the Almighty Typist: Yeah, but she's running late. Said something about turning Rilely Snave back into a ferret or something like that.

Jakia: ::nods:: Okay. Will the others be here soon?

Auron: Should be.

Jakia: BYE EVERYONE!! DON'T WORRY-THEY CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN FOR LONG!!! ::disappears::

Everyone Else: ::stares::

Auron: Well?! Get reading!! ::lighting thunders overhead::

Everyone: ::hides::

Auron: MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Brandy?"

Sirius: ::opens mouth::

Auron: ::thunder rolls:: Don't say it!

Sirius: I wasn't going to say anything bad!

Auron: Yeah right!

Sirius: ::steps back:: ::turns to his friends:: I don't like this guy, you...

Auron: I HEARD THAT!!!

Sirius: ::hides::

"Perhaps a pot of tea," said Fudge, who still hadn't let go of Harry.

Lily: Rapist!

There was a loud scraping and puffing from behind them,

Tonks: ::pokes Auron::

Auron: OW!!! What was that for?

Tonks: ::giggles:: Yep, he's squishy too!

Auron: Squishy?! I'm squishy?

Remus: Is that even a word?

Auron: I-don't know. Spell check doesn't see it, so I guess it is.

and Stan and Ern appeared, carrying Harry's trunk and Hedwig's cage and looking around excitedly.

Everyone: ::still staring at Auron::

Auron: What's wrong with you people? Have you never seen a guy before? Jeez...

Regulus: Do you, ah, have to have that sword? It's making a few of us a bit nervous...

Auron: What? You guys don't like fire?

Bella: I love fire! I'm practically a pyro!

Auron: Really? ::pulls out his flame sword::

Everyone Except Bella: ::back away fearfully::

Bella: Cool! You have a flame sword!

Narcissa: BELLA GET BACK!! THAT THINGS ON FIRE!!!

Bella: ::sighs:: I know. I think I'm in love...::batts eyes::

Auron: Er...::backs away slowly::

"'Ow come you di'n't tell us 'oo you are, eh, Neville?"

Lucius: ::eye twitch::

James: ::takes his glasses off:: ::hands them to Lucius:: Here-It'll stop the twitching.

Lucius: ::eye twitches even more::

said Stan, beaming at Harry, while Ernie's owlish

Peter: Owlish? I didn't know you could have something that was owlish?

Remus: Maybe it has something to do with the dead owl.

Regulus: Wha-?

Bella: ::puts her hand over Regulus' mouth:: Don't say it! I thought we agreed not to bring it up ever again!

face peered interestedly

Auron: You know, according to spell check, that's spelled wrong.

Remus: You know, according to spell check, your name is spelled wrong.

Auron: You don't like me, do you?

Remus: No. Go away.

Auron: ::stares:: ::turns to Sirius, James, and Peter:: Is he always this friendly?

James: ::grins:: On a good day.

over Stan's shoulder.

Frank: What's over Stan's shoulder?

"And a private parlor, please, Tom,"

Lily: DON'T DO IT, TOM!! HE'S GOING TO RAPE MY SON!!!!

said Fudge pointedly.

Tonks: ::pokes Auron::

Auron: WILL YOU STOP THAT?!

Remus: WILL YOU STOP WITH THE CAPS LOCK?!

Auron: MAKE ME!!

Remus: OKAY, I WILL!!!

Auron: NO YOU WON'T!! I'M THE AUTHOR FOR THE TIME BEING!!!!

Remus: BUT I'M THE MUSE!!!

::suddenly, lighting strikes them both::

Auron: What the hell? I didn't do that...

P.D. Yerf: ::appears:: But I did!! Hi everyone!

Alice: Um...Why are you here too?

P.D. Yerf: I'm here to babysit Auron.

Auron: ...You're kidding me, right?

P.D. Yerf: Not at all. Jakia wanted to make sure you didn't burn the place. Of course, she probably picked the wrong person to make sure you don't, considering I'm a pyro too, but what the hey. Now, I know Jak said she left me some popcorn around here somewhere...Ah! Here it is!! Woo! Extra butter-this should be good! ::pops the popcorn:: Now, where are we in the story?

Remus: The last few pages in chapter three.

P.D. Yerf: Okay.

::pause::

P.D. Yerf: Well, what are you waiting for? Get reading!

'Bye," Harry said miserably

Sirius: Why's he miserable?

Peter: I dunno-I've already forgotten what we were reading.

Everyone Else: PETER!!!

to Stan and Ern

Bella: Wait-it can't be.

Lucius: No...It's too good to be true!

Regulus: We don't have to deal with Stan and Ernie anymore!

Everyone: ::cheers::

as Tom

James: Riddle, right?

Auron/P.D: ::share a look:: Tom Riddle?

P.D. Yerf: What the crap are you letting these people read here Auron, Chamber of Secrets?

Auron: No! I have no idea how they came to that conclusion! Honest!

Tonks: Um...Who's Tom Riddle?

Auron: Oh, You know who.

Tonks: ::raises eyebrow:: No, I don't know who. Tell me.

P.D. Yerf: No! It's You-Know-Who!

Sirius: But we don't know who!

Auron: Voldemort!

Everyone else: ::shiver::

Peter: Uh, what were we talking about again?

Regulus: I dunno-I got lost in the whole 'you know who' 'no we don't know who' stuff.

beckoned Fudge toward the passage that led from the bar.

Sirius: ::opens mouth::

P.D. Yerf: Don't you dare-Jakia's already in prison because of you, and Auron and I aren't going with her!

"'Bye, Neville!"

Alice/Frank: ::Turn head so fast they end up with whiplash:: Neville?

called Stan.

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fudge marched Harry along the narrow passage after Tom's lantern, and then into a small parlor.

Lily: RAPIST!!!!

Auron/P.D.: ::share a look::

Auron: Are you...feeling okay, Lily?

Lily: Oh-it's just an inside joke. Never mind.

Tom clicked his fingers, a fire burst into life in the grate, and he bowed himself out of the room.

Bella: Just like a house elf!

James: I have a house elf.

Lucius: I have ten...and a half.

Alice: Haven't we already had this conversation before?

Narcissa: Yes, but we still haven't gotten an answer: How do you have half a house elf?

Lucius: Not telling! It's a family secret!

"Sit down, Harry," said Fudge,

James: He doesn't have to do what you say!

Sirius: Yeah!

Remus: You tell him, Harry!

indicating a chair by the fire.

Peter: Don't do it! You don't have to listen to that creep!

Harry sat down,

Marauders: BOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

feeling goose bumps rising up his arms despite the glow of the fire.

Alice: Poor baby, he's nervous. I wonder if my Neville is ever this nervous...

Auron/P.D.: What the hell was Jaki thinking when she told them about Neville?!

Fudge took off his pinstriped cloak

Bella: About time we got some nudi--

Auron/P.D.: SHUT UP NOW!! WE DON'T WANT TO GET SUED!!!

Bella: ::jumps back::

and tossed it aside, then hitched up the trousers of his bottle-green suit and sat down opposite Harry.

Remus: Just for curiosity sake, whatever happened to 'Arry?

Sirius: I already told you! He died from bad gas!

P.D. Yerf: ::frowns:: Are these the sort of jokes we're going to have to have until Jakia's back?

Auron: We could get rid of these government official who have been hovering over us. ::points up::

Towering Evil Government Officials: ::laugh evilly:: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Everyone Else: ::cowers in fear::

Auron: Or, you know, we can wait until Jakia gets back.

"I am Cornelius Fudge, Harry. The Minister of Magic."

Tonks: ::shivers:: I dislike him already.

Sirius: Good girl. ::pats her head::

Harry already knew this, of course; he had seen Fudge once before,

Lily: RAPIST!!!

but as he had been wearing his father's

James: ::ears perk up::

Invisibility Cloak

Peter: Idiot! Don't you know you can use that cloak to spy in on the girl's bathroom! You don't need to use it to spy for important stuff.

Girls: ::look at James::

James: Ah, well, you see, um...well...

at the time, Fudge wasn't to know that.

Regulus: Of course not!

Snape: Just like the rest of us really aren't suppose to know Potter uses his cloak to spy on the girls getting dressed-hehe, blackmail.

Tom the innkeeper reappeared, wearing an apron over his nightshirt and bearing a tray of tea and crumpets. He placed the tray on a table between Fudge and Harry and left the parlor, closing the door behind him.

Tonks: Well, Tom plays a huge role in this book. ::rolls eyes::

"Well, Harry," said Fudge

Everyone: ::group eye glare::

, pouring out tea,

Narcissa: Fudge the house elf!

Lucius: I wish!

"you've had us all in a right flap, I don't mind telling you.

Remus: No, but we mind you telling us. ::glare::

Auron: You know, I never really realized that Remus was a rude person.

P.D. Yerf: He's not. This is simply Jakia's version of him.

Remus: ::growl::

Running away from your aunt and uncle's house like that!

James: I know, son! Why didn't you do it sooner?

I'd started to think...

Everyone: ::gasp::

Regulus: MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!!!

but you're safe, and that's what matters."

Lily: Or at least he was, until you came along.

Fudge buttered himself a crumpet and pushed the plate toward Harry.

Alice: Selfish git. Don't you know you're suppose to offer the guest the food first? ::rolls eyes:: Honestly!

"Eat, Harry, you look dead on your feet.

Snape: Gee, that's a real nice complement, Minister. I always tell people I don't know they look dead.

Now then... You will be pleased to hear that we have dealt with the unfortunate blowing-up of Miss Marjorie Dursley.

Frank: Marjorie? Who the hell is that? I thought he blew up Marge!

Bella: Marge is short for Marjorie. Sort of like Nymphad-

Tonks: ::transfigures her face:: ::glares::

Bella: DON"T DO THAT!! That's creepy!

Two members of the Accidental Magic Reversal Department were dispatched to Privet Drive a few hours ago. Miss Dursley

Narcissa: Miss? You mean she's not married?

James: Of course not! Who would marry that cow?

has been punctured and her memory has been modified. She has no recollection of the incident at all. So that's that, and no harm done."

Sirius: ::jaw drops:: That's...It? No-threats...No...'You better never do magic again while out of school or else we're going to expel you'...

Remus: Er, seems that way.

Sirius: That's so unfair!

Fudge smiled at Harry over the rim of his teacup, rather like an uncle surveying a favorite nephew.

James: My child will never think of Fudge as an Uncle! NEVER!!!

Lily: You better believe it! I'd let Sirius be the godfather before I'd let Fudge be an Uncle!

Sirius: ::sniffs:: You mean it, Lily?

Lily: Yep!

Sirius: I-feel so happy!! ::sniffs again:: I GET TO BE THE GODFATHER!!! IN YOUR FACE, MOONY!!!

Lily: Wait a minute, I never said-

Sirius: WOO-HOO!!! I GET TO BE GODFATHER!!! ::dance around the room::

Lily: ::blinks:: What...just happened? Did I just say Sirius could be the godfather of my child? ::faints::

James: Enervate.

Lily: ::wakes up::

Harry, who couldn't believe his ears, opened his mouth to speak, couldn't think of anything to say, and closed it again.

Sirius: DON'T WORRY, KIDO! I GET TO BE YOUR GODFATHER!! EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE A-OKAY!

"Ah, you're worrying about the reaction of your aunt and uncle?" said Fudge.

Frank: Hell. No.

"Well, I won't deny that they are extremely angry, Harry,

Bella: Also known as the second biggest understatement of the century...

but they are prepared to take you back next summer as long as you stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays."

James: ::blinks:: I'd like to think if my son had an sense whatsoever he'd always stay at Hogwarts for the Holidays.

Remus: Well James, you just answered your own question: If my son...

Peter: Thank God for Lily's genes-poor boy probably couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time if it were just James' genes.

James: HEY!!!

Harry unstuck his throat.

Tonks: That must of been hard-what was sticking to it?

"I always stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays," he said, "and I don't ever want to go back to Privet Drive."

Everyone: ::cheers::

"Now, now, I'm sure you'll feel differently once you've calmed down," said Fudge in a worried tone.

Lucius: Worried? What's he got to worry about?

"They are your family, after all, and I'm sure you are fond of each other -- er -- very deep down."

Lily: ::snorts:: Yeah. Really deep down inside. Really deep down. I mean, super deep down.

It didn't occur to Harry to put Fudge right. He was still waiting to hear what was going to happen to him now.

Alice: Well, maybe not that deep down.

"So all that remains," said Fudge, now buttering himself a second crumpet, "is to decide where you're going to spend the last two weeks of your vacation. I suggest you take a room here at the Leaky Cauldron and..."

Sirius/James: That's it?! That's all? He gets to get away from his Aunt and Uncle's for the rest of his vacation for doing illegal magic?

Sirius: Oh, I am so blowing up my Aunt!

Bella/Narcissa: Hey! That's our Mum!

"Hang on," blurted Harry. "What about my punishment?"

Peter/Regulus/Snape/Lucius: ::bangs head on the table::

Remus: This is where James' genes come in...

Frank: He shouldn't have said anything! He could have gotten away with it!

Fudge blinked. "Punishment?"

Bella: Holy Christ on a cracker, Fudge is dumb.

"I broke the law!"

Frank: Well, I wouldn't go that far...

Harry said. "The Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry!"

Lily: JAMES!!!

James: I'm sorry! I can't help what he inherits from me!

"Oh, my dear boy, we're not going to punish you for a little thing like that!" cried Fudge, waving his crumpet impatiently.

Sirius: ::jumps up:: You're kidding me! I got threatened for expulsion just because I used a repairing spell on Mum's vase so she wouldn't get mad, and they're going to let him off and he blew up his Aunt? Not Fair!!!

"It was an accident! We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts!"

Regulus: So was Sirius' football going through the window and hitting the vase!

Bella: Football? What we're you guys doing with a muggle toy?

Regulus: Er...It was an enchanted football. Yeah, that's it! It was an enchanted football!

But this didn't tally at all with Harry's past dealings with the Ministry of Magic.

Lily: JAMES!!!

James: I'm sorry!

"Last year, I got an official warning just because a house-elf smashed a pudding in my uncle's house!" he told Fudge, frowning. "The Ministry of Magic said I'd be expelled from Hogwarts if there was any more magic there!"

Bella: Stupid boy...Stupid, stupid boy!

Lily: IT'S ALL JAMES' FAULT!!!

James: Why me?

Unless Harry's eyes were deceiving him, Fudge was suddenly looking awkward.

Peter: What are you talking about, he's always awkward-looking

"Circumstances change, Harry... We have to take into account... in the present climate... Surely you don't want to be expelled?"

Lily: Of course he doesn't!

"Of course I don't," said Harry.

Sirius: Like mother, like son, aye, Lily?

"Well then, what's A the fuss about?" laughed Fudge. "Now, have a crumpet, Harry, while I go and see if Tom's got a room for you."

Frank: You know, I wonder...This entire situation is strange and unusual...I mean, I know the Ministry is interested in the kids safety and everything, but this seems...odd. Not even getting a telling-off...From the Minister no less! It's just strange.

Fudge strode out of the parlor and Harry stared after him. There was something extremely odd going on. Why had Fudge been waiting for him at the Leaky Cauldron, if not to punish him for what he'd done? And now Harry came to think of it, surely it wasn't usual for the Minister of Magic himself to get involved in matters of underage magic?

Sirius: Hey! That's what Franky just said!

Frank: Please don't call me Franky.

Sirius: Why not? Alice calls you Franky!

Alice: ::blush::

Frank: That's a bit...different there, Sirius...

Fudge came back, accompanied by Tom the innkeeper.

Lily: I'm interested in knowing if that really is Tom Riddle...

"Room eleven's free, Harry," said Fudge. "I think you'll be very comfortable. just one thing, and I'm sure you'll understand... I don't want you wandering off into Muggle London, all right?

James: WHAT?! Why?

Keep to Diagon Alley. And you're to be back here before dark each night. Sure you'll understand. Tom will be keeping an eye on you for me."

Remus: Keeping an eye on...what the bloody hell? Why?

"Okay," said Harry slowly, "but why?"

Remus: ::smirk::

James: That's not fair! I'm the father-I'm suppose to be the one thinking like him!

P.D. Yerf: You know, I read somewhere that said Lupin was in love with...

Remus: ::hand goes over P.D.'s mouth.:: Say it and I'll hex you.

Marauders: Oooo!!!

Sirius: What?! No fair! We always tell you when we have a crush on somebody! Why won't you tell us?

Remus: Well, I thought it would be obvious.

...

James: Huh?

Remus: Never mind.

"Don't want to lose you again, do we?" said Fudge with a hearty laugh. "No, no... best we know where you are.... I mean..."

Lily: OH!

Other: OH, what?

Lily: I think that they think that Sirius is after Harry!

Others: ::gasp::

Sirius: But-why would they think that?

Lily: Think about it! Your James' best friend. Your also a murderer. See the connection here?

Sirius: ::gasp:: B-but I'd never hurt Harry! Or James! Or even you, Lily!

Lily: Ministry doesn't know that.

Fudge cleared his throat loudly and picked up his pinstriped cloak.

Bella: Wouldn't have done himself a favor to have just forgotten it.

"Well, I'll be off, plenty to do, you know...

"Have you had any luck with Black yet?" Harry asked.

Sirius: DAMNIT!!!! Why can't they be talking about Regulus?

Regulus: Hey!

Sirius: Or Bella!

Bella: Really now.

Fudge's finger slipped on the silver

Remus: ::shivers, unnoticed::

fastenings of his cloak.

"What's that? Oh, you've heard -- well, no, not yet, but it's only a matter of time. The Azkaban guards have never yet failed... and they are angrier than I've ever seen them."

Fudge shuddered slightly.

Frank: Don't blame him...We all get a little shaky around Dementors.

Everyone: ::shivers::

Auron: Hey! I got a fire sword to warm us up!

Everyone else: ::backs away slowly::

"So, I'll say good-bye."

Everyone: Good-bye! ::waves::

He held out his hand and Harry, shaking it, had a sudden idea.

Lily: Finally, my brilliance can be seen through my son! ::cries::

"Er -- Minister? Can I ask you something?"

Peter: ::pretending to be Harry:: Are you gay?

Sirius: ::pretending to be Fudge:: Of course I am, Harry! I would have thought that would have been obvious!

Peter: ::still pretending to be Harry:: It is, Minister, that's why I asked.

Others: ::laugh::

"Certainly," said Fudge with a smile.

Regulus: This guy's shifty-I don't like him.

"Well, third years at Hogwarts are allowed to visit Hogsmeade, but my aunt and uncle didn't sign the permission form. D'you think you could--?"

James: ::smiles proudly:: That's my boy! Always thinking a few steps ahead!

Fudge was looking uncomfortable.

"Ah," he said. "No, no, I'm very sorry, Harry, but as I'm not your parent or guardian --"

Sirius: ::begins to scribble:: I, Sirius Black, as Harry's godfather, give him permission to visit Hogsmeade whenever he pleases. ::stops:: Anyone got a Time Turner we can use to send this?

"But you are the Minister of Magic," said Harry eagerly. "If you gave me permission..."

Remus: Not exactly...Dumbledore still have the power to override it if he pleases.

"No, I'm sorry, Harry, but rules are rules," said Fudge flatly. "Perhaps You'll be able to visit Hogsmeade next year. In fact, I think it's best if you don't... yes... well, I'll be off Enjoy your stay, Harry."

Tonks: There's a typo here.

Auron: ARGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with a last smile and shake of Harry's hand, Fudge left the room. Tom now moved forward, beaming at Harry.

Snape: Why do I get a baaadddddd feeling about this guy?

"If you'll follow me, Mr. Potter," he said, "I've already taken your things up..."

Lucius: EEKK!! You touched my things without my permission?! How dare you!

Harry followed Tom up a handsome wooden staircase to a door with a brass number eleven on it, which Tom unlocked and opened for him.

Narcissa: The boy isn't that stupid, you know. I'm sure he could figure out how to open and unlock a door. ::rolls eyes::

Inside was a very comfortable-looking bed, some highly polished oak furniture, a cheerfully crackling fire and, perched on top of the wardrobe -

Everyone: The Mysterious Old Record Player!

Old Record Player: ::chirps::

"Hedwig!" Harry gasped.

Bella: Damn bloody bird!

The snowy owl clicked her beak and fluttered down onto Harry's arm.

Snape: Ah, true love finally requited.

Remus: After all, Harry/Hedwig is the only TRUE ship in the Potterverse.

"Very smart owl you've got there, chuckled Tom. "Arrived about five minutes after you did.

Alice: Maybe she's an Animagus.

Marauders: ::shake nervously::

If there's anything you need, Mr. Potter, don't hesitate to ask."

He gave another bow and left.

Lucius: House Elf!

Harry sat on his bed for a long time, absentmindedly stroking Hedwig.

Bella: ::cringes::

The sky outside the window was changing rapidly from deep, velvety blue to cold, steely gray and then, slowly, to pink shot with gold. Harry could hardly believe that he'd left Privet Drive only a few hours ago, that he wasn't expelled, and that he was now facing two completely Dursley-free weeks.

Sirius: Yeah, I know. ::mutters under his breath:: Lucky dog...

"It's been a very weird night, Hedwig," he yawned.

And without even removing his glasses, he slumped back onto his pillows and fell asleep.

James: Ouch! That's going to hurt in the morning!

P.D. Yerf: Well, we've finally finished the chapter. What do you guys say we skip a couple of these next chapters?

Remus: ::eyes widen:: We can't do that! Jakia will kill us!

Auron: Personally, I don't think Jakia's in any place where she can do any sort of killing right this moment...

Meanwhile...Far Far away...

Mysterious Government Official: Please state your user name and fanons you dwell in.

Jakia: Jakia Norwood. Harry Potter and Star Wars, though I did spend a fauge amount of time in the Lord of the Rings fandom...

Mysterious Government Official: What's your real name, and why do you have that username?

Jakia: Jessica is my real name. Jakia Norwood is a personality I created while playing Everquest, and, well, the name stuck.

Mysterious Government Official: Are you aware that it's been nearly three months since you last update?

Jakia: ::cringes:: Y-yes... ::gulps::

Mysterious Government Official: How do you plea?

Jakia: G-guilty as c-charged. Please don't kill me!

Mysterious Government Official: Oh no, we don't kill people here.

Jakia: ::wipes sweat off of forehead::

Mysterious Government Official: We do much worse.

Jakia: ::gulps::

Mysterious Government Official: Jessica, AKA Jakia Norwood, I hereby sentence you to a week with family along with no internet access during that time...

Jakia: ::falls to her knees:: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mysterious Government Official: As well as locking you away in the seven levels of Fandom Hell until you can escape on your own. Seeing as you've already did the family time, we'll be sending you to Fandom H-E-double hockey sticks in exactly...::checks watch:: Now.

Jakia: ::disappears::

***

Jar Jar Binks: Hello Messes Jessica. Messa be Jar Jar Binks. Here witha me isa Barney anda Brittany Spears.

Barney: Hey kids, we're going to have fun!

Brittany: Like, Hey!! ::waves::

Jakia: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::faints::