A MST of a Different Kind

MVTSMLM: Well, would you look at that! James' hair's lying flat!

Lily: ::wipes face on towel:: Told you I could make it lie flat!

Sirius: I don't know, Lily...His new look just isn't working for me...

Alice: Why is that?

Sirius: He reminds me of someone...

James: ::duck taped to a chair:: I do? ::looks in a mirror:: ::screams:: I LOOK LIKE SNAPE IN GLASSES!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sirius: ::snaps fingers:: Ah, that's why! He looks like Snape!

Snape: He's a lucky man, then. ::struts his stuff::

Narcissa: ::makes really ugly face in disgust::

James: Um, can someone untie me from this chair? I think the duck tape is cutting off my circulation...

MVTSMLM: Nah, we'll leave you there. It provides entertainment!

Tonks: ::pulls the leg of my pants:: Um, Mysterious Author Lady Ma'am?

MVTSMLM: Yes sweetie? ::smiles so sweetly it reminds you of Umbridge::

Tonks: Can I read this chapter?

MVTSMLM: Sure!!

Tonks: Alright. ::picks up book to begin reading where they left off::

"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"

Lucius: Barking...hehe, sounds like a dog.

Bella: Easily amused, aren't you?

Sirius: Nah, you can't compare her to a dog! I like dogs!

Remus: ::under his breath:: That's because you are one.

Sirius: ::hits him:: ::whispers:: They don't know that!

Others: ::watch in amusement::

"Yes," said Harry.

"Don't you say yes in that ungrateful tone."

James: He can say whatever he wants to in an ungrateful tone if he want, Bitch. ::smiles at the book:: Go on, son. Tell the mean, evil woman what's on your mind.

Alice: I thought you said you didn't believe a word of this book to be true.

James: Hey, Harry's starting to growing on me! And can someone untie me? My leg is starting to turn purple...

Aunt Marge growled.

Sirius/Remus: We're suing.

James: Really, they have growling copyrighted. The author of this book-which, I found out, is actually female,- ought to know that.

Lily: ::growls::

Remus/Sirius: NOT COUNTING LILY, of course!!! ::laugh uneasily::

Lily: ::smirks::

"It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you.

Remus: Somehow I doubt that.

Wouldn't have done it myself.

James: Wouldn't have wanted you to. ::evil smirk::

You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."

Lily: ::temper rises:: He'd probably be happier at an orphanage!

Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather live in an orphanage than with the Dursleys,

Lily: See? Do I know my son, or do I know my son?

James: I hate to say it, Lily, but you know him better than I do.

Lily: ::scoffs:: At least I pay attention when they're talking about my child!

James: Hey! I've paid attention ...Sort of...Well, not really...But yeah, I've paid attention

but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him.

Peter: ::to Marauders:: You know, we ought to just give him the map, then he won't have to put up with this crap.

James: Peter! You're brilliant! Of course we can do that!

Remus: But how are we suppose to give it to him, exactly? I mean, so far, James, you are the only mentioned directly--

Sirius: Unless you count the escaped convict with my same last name.

Remus: ---and your dead! So what are we going to do?

James: Hmm...This calls for a Marauder Plotting Session. We will meet after the book is over. Now, untie me...

Sirius/Remus/Peter: No.

James: Why?!

Peter: 'Cause the author will kill us if we do.

James: No she won't!

MVTSMLM: Wanna bet?

James: ::shrieks like a girl::

He forced his face into a painful smile.

"Don't you smirk at me!"

Snape: ::smirks::

boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you.

Lily: You're the one in need of improvement, you evil cow!

I hoped school would knock some manners into you."

Frank: Since when does school ever knock manners into you? ::burps::

Alice: You are so uncouth!
Frank: Yes, but you love me anyway.

Alice: I do not! ::blushes::

Sirius: ::raises eyebrow:: Really? If it wasn't you, then who wrote "Alice and Frank 4-ever and always!" on your History of Magic textbook?

Alice: ::face turns bright red:: I-I-I...have no idea what your talking about! ::smiles weakly in front of Frank:: ::turns to Sirius and flips him off::

She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her mustache,

Everyone: ::shivers::

and said, "Where is it that you send him, again, Vernon?"

All: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Remus: Under the finest Headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen...

Sirius: Albus Dumbledore!

Lucius: Dumbledore is not the finest Headmaster Hogwarts ever had!

Gryffindors: Yes he is!

Lucius: In Slytherin, we think he's a bit of a joke.

James: In Gryffindor, we think Slytherin is a bit of a joke.

Good Guys: ::laugh::
Bad Guys: ::evil looks::

Bad Guys/Good Guys: ::separate::

Tonks: ::sits quietly in the middle, reading the book::

"St. Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases."

James: My son is not a hopeless case! He's just a slow learner!

Lily: ::slaps him:: If he is it's your fault!

James: ::mumbles stuff under his breath:: I am not stupid! Why does the author think I am? ::looks down:: And now both of my leg's are purple! See that? She's trying to kill me!

"I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?"

Lily: ::tenses up at the mention of canes::

she barked across the table.

Sirius: Bark! Bark!

Bad guys: ::look at them like they're crazy::

"Er --"

Snape: ::sarcastically:: "Er"-- Well, that one will go down in history books, that's for sure!

Bad Guys: ::laugh::

Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.

Bella: He can't even think for himself? God, what an idiot!

Lily: ::pulls wand out:: Did you just insult my son?

Lucius: ::pulls wand out as well:: So what if she did? What's a Mudblood like you going to do about it?

James: Did you just call Lily a...a...Well, the "M" word?!

Snape: Stupid idiot...can't even say the word Mudblood around one, can you? And I thought Gryffindors were suppose to be brave! ::evil laugh::

Remus: ::looks at James:: Ignore them...We don't need a fight right now!

Bad Guys: ::laugh evilly::

Sirius: They're going to get it if they keep this up!!

"Yes," said Harry.

Lily: ::is literally shaking with anger::

Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "all the time."

James: Better not...

"Excellent," said Aunt Marge. "I won't have this namby-pamby,

Peter: "Namby-pamby?"

Everyone: ::giggles::

wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it.

James: ::tenses up as well::

Narcissa: ::jaw drops:: Deserve it? He hasn't deserved any of the treatment that's been given to him!

Bella: ::jaw drops:: Narcissa! You're siding with them!

Narcissa: Well, it's true!

MVTSMLM: Hey! Let's stop fighting down there, or I'll get the lightning bolts out again! Either that, or you can taste my wonderful pies I've made for Thanksgiving! Which are now nearly two months old, thank you!

Everyone: ::shakes with fear at the very mention of author's cooking, much less two month old cooking::

A good thrashing

Sirius: ::growls protectively::

is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred. Have you been beaten often?"

James: Excuse me? I don't plan on hitting my child. Ever. No child deserves to be 'thrashed'.

Lily: ::watches with admiration:: ::under her breath:: Oh, James... ::sighs like a love-sick puppy before snapping herself out of it::

"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."

Lily: ::jump up with anger::

James: ::tries to jump, but ends up falling over in the chair, nearly breaking his neck::

Snape: ::watches James and Lily jump:: Remember, he's lying so he can go to Hogsmeade.

Lily: ::sits back down:: He better be...

James: ::still ducktaped:: Can someone help me up? Please? ::begins to wiggle like a fish::

Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.

Lucius: ::narrows his eyes evilly::

"I still don't like your tone, boy,"

Tonks: I do. I think he has a lovely voice.

Bella: ...Never mind the fact that you've never heard his voice before...

Tonks: I imagine it's pretty, then.

she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough.

Snape: Key words there being "Hard Enough".

Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy's case."

Lucius: You know, she does have a point. That's a mistake on Harry's part.

Lily: ::not listening:: Petunia better not write to that stupid school, or I will really make her sorry...

James: ::still on the floor, wiggling to get free:: He doesn't even go to that school!

Peter: Really, Lily! Like they'd use canes at Hogwarts!

Remus: Flich would like them to.

Sirius: Yeah, but that's just Flich. He's evil.

Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.

Peter: Don't you love how they change subjects so quickly?

"Heard the news this morning, Marge?

Remus: ::as Marge:: No, I'm too stupid to know how to work the T.V., and I'm too lazy to get the paper.

Others: ::laugh::

What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"

Sirius: Why must they bring that up? I was happily forgetting it...

Alice: ::rolls eyes:: Obviously, he's important if the author keeps bringing him up like that.

Bella: How do you know that?

Alice: Because that's how every literary genius does it.

Remus: Including this author!

Bella: What? This author? ::point toward the ceiling::

MVTSMLM: You do realize I can still her all of you, right?

Everyone: ::jump back:: WE'RE SORRY, MYSTERIOUS AUTHOR LADY MA'AM!

MVTSMLM: That's alright. I understand. ::zaps them all::

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snape: ::cough smoke:: Well, at least we didn't have to eat the pies! I think the pecan one has started to grow legs...

As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her.

Narcissa: I can imagine!! Doesn't sound too nice, does she?

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do.

Lucius: He's kind of a loner, you know?

Snape: Yeah...What's your point?

Lucius: I didn't have one. I was just making a small, suggestive comment.

Lily: My son is not a loner! He just has to put up with my stupid relatives!

Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all times, so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement.

Lily/James: He doesn't need any improvements! He's absolutely perfect!

Lucius: Uh, right! ::nods::

Narcissa: Absolutely perfect! ::to Bella:: Someone ought to teach her to hold her temper...

Bella: Potter too...They're almost unbearable!

She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley,

Peter: Like that's any contest at all! Harry obviously a lot better than Dudley ever will be!

James: ::smiles proudly, even tough he's still laying on the floor, tied to a chair.::

and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents

Remus: He doesn't need presents! He's spoiled enough!

while glaring at Harry,

Everyone: ::glare::

as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present too.

Snape: Oh ho! She's baiting him! This is not good, not good at all...He'll lose his temper, she keeps baiting him like she is...

She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.

James: ::still laying on the floor, because no one has helped him out of the chair:: If you want to see an unsatisfactory person, try looking in the mirror!

"You mustn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon," she said over lunch on the third day.

Frank: Please! As if Vernon cares how Harry turns out!

"If there's something rotten on the inside, there's nothing anyone can do about it."

Lily: ::tenses up even more:: There is nothing wrong with the inside of my boy!

Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger.

Lily: ::face starts to burn with anger::

James: ::hands start to shake, though it might be from lack of blood flow::

Everyone: ::stares at Lily and James::

Sirius: ::under his breath:: I can see where he gets it...

Remember the form, he told himself. Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise.

Snape: She is most definitely baiting him.

Lucius: Sooner or later, he'll do a Lily on us and explode with anger.

James: ::wiggles like a fish out of water:: I don't blame him!

Alice: And what do you mean, do a Lily on him? She hasn't exploded yet!

Lily: ...Yet... Keep this up, and I just might!

Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.

Bella: Oh, great! She's drunk, too.

"It's one of the basic rules of breeding,"

Snape: Breeding...Something tells me this is going to be an interesting discussion.

she said. "You see it all the time with dogs.

Sirius: ::squees::

If there's something wrong with the bitch,

Sirius/Bella/Narcissa: ::hits Tonks:: WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT SAYING THOSE WORDS, YOUNG LADY?!

Tonks: ...Ag! I'm sorry! It's in the book! ::hides::

there'll be something wrong with the pup --"

James: ::jaw drops:: ::wiggles even more in his tied up chair::

Lily: Did she--indirectly call me a bitch?

Everyone: ::scoots farther away from Lily::

Alice: ::bravely:: Y-yes.

Lily: ::starts counting down from 100 under her breath::

At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand.

James: ::still wiggling::

Everyone: Awesome!

Snape: I told you he was bound to explode, sooner or later.

Narcissa: Keep this up, and he'll be in trouble with the Ministry.

Lily: ::face as red as her hair:: 99, 98, 97...

"Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you all right?"

James: ::under his breath:: I hope she's not...Calling Lily a bitch, honestly! Look who's talking... ::starts mumbling:: ::in case you were wondering, he's still tied up::

"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's

Frank: WHO CARES ABOUT STUPID COLONEL FUBSTER?

Remus: Is he a plot hole or something?

MVTSMLM: I don't know! He might be. Though I doubt it. ::looks at her pies:: Er, I think my meringue just died...::looks at her leftover Thanksgiving pies with little hope::

the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very firm grip..."

Peter: No...

Sirius: But you do have a magically-inclined child sitting near you.

Remus: A very, very angry magically-inclined child as well.

James: And those are much, much more dangerous. Can you guys untie me now? I no longer have any feeling in my legs, and my arms have turned an odd green color...

Others: ::shake heads no::

MVTSMLM: ::laughs evilly::

But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously, so he decided he'd better skip dessert and escape from the table as soon as he could.

Tonks: That sounds like a very good idea.

Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control and made something explode.

James: Not for me! I make things explode all the time! Sometimes on purpose, too!

Lily: ::hits him::

James: Let me guess...I said something wrong again, didn't I?

Lily: No. You genetically made my son do something. Therefore, you are to blame. ::slaps him again:: And it's fun! ::giggles::

James: ::under his breath:: Great! First I can no longer feel my legs, and Lily still slaps me silly!

He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake -

Peter: What could be more at stake than being able to go to Hogsmeade?!

Sirius: Really!

if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.

Peter: Oh, that too...

Lily: ::red faced with anger:: They better not expel my son, else it will be the last thing they do... ::grips wand tightly::

Harry was still an underage wizard,

Snape: Nah, really? I though he was twenty something...

Others: ::laugh::

and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school.

Frank: You know, I've never understood that law exactly. What's so wrong with practicing a little magic over the holidays?

Everyone: ::shrug shoulders::

Remus: One of us ::cast evil look at Authoress:: probably knows the answer, but the author doesn't know, so she makes us ignorant as well.

His record wasn't exactly clean either.

Lily: ::slaps James::

James: ::even though he's still on the floor:: Wow! It didn't hurt that much this time! I guess I'm getting used to your touch, Lily... ::smiles flirtatiously, never mind that he's lying on the floor, tied up to a chair, wiggling like some sort of exotic fish with it's head cut off, looking everything but flirtatious::

Lily: ::slaps him again, only harder::

Only last summer he'd gotten an official warning

Lily: ::slaps James::

James: ::sniffles:: I can't help I'm a trouble-maker! It's in my blood!

Lily: ::slaps him again:: You didn't have to give it to my son!

that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.

Lucius: Most of the time they give you a hearing before they expel you.

Narcissa: How do you know that?

Lucius: Er, I've had to go to a few of them myself, actually...::blushes::

He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.

Tonks: That's probably another smart idea for Harry's part.

Lily: ::wear's her "My son's a Genius and he's in Gryffindor!" badge::

Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare

Frank/James/Sirius/Lucius: ::drool::

whenever Aunt Marge started on him.

Lily: ::temper rises::

This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge started voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal.

Sirius: Mentally subnormal?

Bella: ::laughs:: Sounds like you, Sirius, sounds like you...

Lily/James: My son is NOT mentally subnormal... ::shifts feet angrily:: ::James tries to shift feet angrily, but he no longer has any feeling in his feet, so he can't::

At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived. Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine.

Snape: Great, they're going to get drunk again.

Bella: You know, whenever there's alcohol around, Harry loses his temper?

MVTSMLM: Which brings us to a good little lesson for the kiddies: Kids, don't drink and drive. It's bad for you.

Sirius: What does that have to do with the story?

MVTSMLM: It doesn't, but it makes the Government happy! ::smiles widely::

Mysterious Government Officials that appear out of nowhere: ::give the Mysterious Author Lady a thumbs up::

They got all the way through the soup and the salmon without a single mention of Harry's faults;

Alice: Wow!

Tonks: It's a miracle!

Frank: And you thought it couldn't happen...

during the lemon meringue pie,

Snape: ::looks at the author:: Haven't made one of those yet, have you?

MVTSMLM: Yes... ::holds up what looks like a cross between a deformed dog and a decapitated squirrel::

Others: ::shriek, and back away from it::

Uncle Vernon bored them with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company;

Lucius: ::sarcastically:: I bet that was really exciting!

then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.

Peter: ::sarcastically:: Sounds so exciting, I just might squeal with joy!

"Can I tempt you, Marge?"

Aunt Marge had already had quite a lot of wine.

Everyone: ::backs away slowly::

Her huge face was very red. "Just a small one, then," she chuckled.

MVTSMLM: Another public service announcement for the kiddies: When you drink, only drink in small amounts. You do not want to get drunk. When drunk, you have no control over your mind, and it causes you to do really stupid things.

Sirius: And hangovers really suck...I mean...er...never mind...::smiles innocently::

Mysterious Government Officials: ::stick thumbs up again:: ::clap politely::

"A bit more than that... and a bit more... that's the ticket."

Snape: Glass is probably over-flowing...

Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie.

Peter: Yum! Pie...::drools::

MVTSMLM: You want to taste mine, Peter? ::holds out something that resembles a cross between a dead, rotten skeleton of a singing parakeet and burnt frog legs::

Peter: ::Backs away slowly:: Er, maybe I'm not as hungry as I thought I was...::runs away, screaming::

Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger sticking out.

Lily: She doesn't really do that...She's just trying to be obnoxious. ::mutters very bad things about her sister under her breath::

Harry really wanted to disappear into his bedroom,

Lucius: Who wouldn't?

but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out.

James: They just want him to cause trouble, don't they? ::looks at himself tied the chair:: Okay, this is getting ridiculous My arms no longer have any feeling!

"Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down.

Peter: Not only does she drink a lot, she drinks fast, too.

Bella: You shouldn't do that...

MVTSMLM: This is a public service announcement, as brought to you by the MSTeteers and the Mysterious Author Lady! ::bows::

Mysterious Government Officials: ::clap loudly:: ::hoot and holler::

"Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after...."

Sirius: PUPPIES!! ::giggles like a schoolgirl::

Remus: ::under his breath to James and Peter:: If he keeps doing that, they're going to figure us out...

She burped richly and patted her great tweed stomach.

Everyone: ::looks in disgust::

"Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy,"

Peter: ::Looks insulted::

she went on, winking at Dudley. "You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father.

Peter: "Proper-sized man". Bull. What she's trying to say is he's fat.

MVTSMLM: Awe...Everyone, hug Peter!

Everyone: ::hugs Peter::

Peter: But I thought you hated me!

MVTSMLM: You're starting to grow on me. ::hugs him again::

Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon...."

Lily: ::wears another badge that says: Am a firm believer that Aunt Marge is an Alcoholic::

"Now, this one here --"

Lily: ::tenses up::

Frank: Knew we couldn't get through a dinner without criticize Harry!

She jerked her head at Harry, who felt his stomach clench.

Girls: Awe...Poor Harry! :)

The Handbook, he thought quickly.

Remus: Something tells me that isn't going to work this time...

"This one's got a mean, runty look about him. You get that with dogs.

James: First she calls Lily a bitch, then she compares my son to a dog. She's going to insult me next, I just know it...::looks around:: Saying my head doesn't pop off from lack of blood flow, that is...

Sirius: ::catching on:: What's wrong with dogs? Nothings wrong with dogs...

I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was-

Lily: ::stare in disbelief::

Everyone: ::tense::

Weak.

James: ::shakes head in denial::

Everyone: ::really tense::

Underbred."

James/Lily: ::are about to explode::

Everyone: ::scoots back::

Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers.

Frank: I would answer that, but this just does not seem to be the time, now does it?

"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out.

Lily: ::really deep breaths:: 56, 55, 54...

Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia"

Lily: ::under her breath:: Bull shit...

she patted Aunt Petunia's bony hand with her shovellike one "but your sister was a bad egg.

Everyone: ::backs away from Lily::

Lily: ::extremely deep breaths, then zombie like:: Bad egg? Bad egg? BAD EGG?! I'M A BAD EGG?!! You're one to talk! At least if Dudley had been left on my doorstep I wouldn't LOCK HIM IN THE EFFING CUPBOARD!!

Alice: Um...Lily...

Lily: I WILL KILL HER!!!!!!!!!

Others: ::shriek::

They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel

James: I am not a wastrel! ::begins to breath deeper:: ::wrestles his duck tape again::

Lily: And I didn't run away with him! ::begins to count down again:: 53, 52, 51...

and here's the result right in front of us."

Everyone: ::giggles::

Lily: ::cries::

James: ::blushes, though that may just be from lack of blood flow due to the ducktape::

Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. Grasp your broom firmly by the tail, he thought.

Snape: ::under his breath:: He's going to explode, and so will Lily and James...::eyes them nervously::

But he couldn't remember what came next.

Everyone: Ouch!

Sirius: Burn, baby burn!

Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills.

Peter: That's gotta hurt. ::smirks painfully::

"This Potter,"

James: ::angry:: Knew she'd bring me up!

Everyone: ::backs away from both James and Lily::

said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass

Everyone: ::is now wearing the: Am a firm believer that Aunt Marge is an Alcoholic badge::

and over the tablecloth, "you never told me what he did?"

James: :: tries to cross fingers, even though he can no longer feel them. Fails:: Auror...Auror...Auror...Say Auror, damnit!

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense.

Lily: That's not tense. I'm extremely tense. ::points finger at book:: They aren't!

Dudley had even looked up from his pie to gape at his parents.

Everyone: ::gapes at James the puffer fish and Lily the ticking tick bomb::

"He -- didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry.

James: ::breaks the duck tape off of him he's so angry:: ::for those of you who saw the movie, he reminds you of the Hulk:: ::jaw drops:: WHAT THE HELL?!

Everyone else minus Lily, who has started holding her breath to control her anger: ::twitches nervously::

"Unemployed."

James: ::jumps up:: I--beg your pardon!! I will not be unemployed! I plan on having a job! A future, to take care of my family! To be an Auror, to help defend my country, my home, against the likes of Lord Voldemort and his minions! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY DREAM?!

::clouds part. James is standing in a single ray of sunlight, with a Wizarding Flag flying in the background::

Everyone minus Lucius and Bella: ::salute him proudly::

Lily: ::wipes her eyes where she started crying:: ::loudly:: You go James!

Lucius and Bella: ::roll their eyes::

"As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who --"

Lily: ::crying now, because she's so angry::

James: ::begins to shake with anger:: I AM NOT A NO-ACCOUNT, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, LAZY SCROUNGER YOU---YOU---I'LL THINK OF THE G-RATED WORD IN A MINUTE!!!

"He was not," said Harry suddenly.

Lily: ::blows her nose:: That's my boy...

James: ::calms down:: ::with tears in his eyes:: Defend us, son. ::tears fall:: Please...::wraps arm around Lily, though probably more to get the blood flowing again rather than to comfort her.::

Lily: ::surprisingly, does not move::

The table went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over.

James/Lily: ::shaking with anger::

He had never felt so angry in his life.

Sirius: ::to everyone minus James/Lily:: I've never seen James this angry in all my life!

Alice: I've never seen Lily this angry either.

Everyone: ::looks at James and Lily funny::

James/Lily: ::hugging each other, sobbing::

"MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon,

Lucius: ::sarcastically:: Oh, yeah, more alcohol's going to help...

who had gone very white. He emptied the bottle into Aunt Marge's glass.

Snape: Ah! She's really drunk, now...

"You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on --"

James: ::confident:: No.

Lily: ::with tears streaming down her face:: You let him say what's on his mind.

James/Lily: Or you'll have us to deal with. ::hold each other tighter::

"No, Vernon,"

Peter: For once, I agree with the evil cow.

hiccuped Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's.

Remus: I suggest we all run and hide. This very room might explode in a moment.

Everyone minus Lily and James: ::run, and hides under a conveniently placed table::

"Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you?

Everyone minus Snape, Bella, Narcissa, and Lucius: Yes!

They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect)--"

James: ::angrily:: Your one to talk!

Lily: And we didn't die in a car crash, either! I don't plan on owning one now!

"They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.

Sirius: ::in a tiny voice:: Amen.

"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar,

Lily: My son is not a liar! You---you--liar!

and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury.

Lily: ::snaps:: DECENT, HARDWORKING RELATIVES?!

James: ::snaps:: BURDEN?!

"You are an insolent, ungrateful little --"

Lily: TAKE THAT BACK, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! ::breaths heavily::

James: SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT MY SON, AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD, RIP OUT YOUR SPLEEN, AND FEED IT TO DEMENTORS...

Sirius: Didn't Lily say that exact line to me two chapters ago?

Remus: It's one of the author's favorites. She's even gotten to the point where she says it to her family when she's angry.

MVTSMLM: ::zaps Remus:: Don't be spilling my secrets now!

Remus: ::coughs smoke::

But Aunt Marge suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger

James: I hope he hurts her. I hope he kills her.

Lucius: ::under his breath:: Wow...Potter's using violence. He is angry.

but the swelling didn't stop. Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech

Lily: I hope it hurts her...I hope it hurts her so badly!!! ::cries::

Bella: ::under her breath:: Mudblood's using violence! She is angry!

next second, several buttons had just burst from her tweed jacket

Peter: AGH!!!

Remus: She's stripping!

Sirius: The horror!

Frank: The shame!!

Everyone: ::hides::

and pinged off the walls -- she was inflating like a monstrous balloon,

Snape: She's going to blow!

Everyone minus James and Lily: ::hides under the table::

Tonks: ::smiles, amused, then continues to read::

her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like a salami -

James: ::shaking with anger:: She deserved it.

Lily: ::teary eyed:: You leave him alone, you...you... ::words fail her::

"MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair toward the ceiling.

Everyone else: ::laughs::

James/Lily: ::look at them so evilly Lord Moldy Shorts would have screamed like a girl::

Others: ::hide under the table once more.::

She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes,

Others: ::laugh::

James/Lily: ::very,very evil look::

and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises. Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.

Sirius: I'm sorry you guys, but you have to admit, this is hilarious!

James: ::crosses his arms:: At least she got what she deserved...

Lily: ::evil look at everyone, James especially.::

"NOOOOOOO!"

Uncle Vernon seized one of Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself.

Tonks: ::giggles:: She's a giant balloon!

A second later, Ripper leapt forward and sank his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg.

Narcissa: Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

Lily: ::angrily:: Good. It better.

James: I hope it hurts him more than anything that's ever hurt in his life.

Remus: Somehow, I doubt that. It's just a dog, James.

Sirius: ::smiles wildly::

Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him,

Tonks: RUN, HARRY, RUN!!!!

heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it.

Snape: He's in trouble with the Ministry now. I wouldn't be surprised if they expel him! ::smiles happily::

Lily: ::slaps him::

Sirius: Even when she's totally pissed off, Lily finds some way to slap someone...It's like, her trademark!

Lily: ::slaps Sirius::

Sirius: See what I mean?

In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door.

Lucius: He's strong and fast...You sure he's not in Slytherin?

Lily: I wouldn't push me right now, Malfoy. ::grips wand tightly::

He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenching up the loose floorboard,

Narcissa: Of course! Can't forget all the stuff you got for your birthday, can you?

and grabbed the pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents. He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage,

Snape: Can't forget your precious birdy, now can we?

and dashed back downstairs to his trunk,

Remus: Really, really angry adolescent.

Frank: ::under his breath, looking at James and Lily, who look like steaming red lobsters:: I see where he gets it.

just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.

Bella: Yay! Violence!

Lucius: I was wondering if we'd see any blood in this book...

"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!"

James/Lily: ::smiles:: He won't!

Lily: At least, he better not. Else Mummy won't be too happy with him. ::thinks about it:: Oh, hell! I could never get mad at my precious little Harry! ::hugs a pillow as though it was a small child::

James: ::backs away from her slightly:: ::then moves closer:: ::under his breath:: Just like I could never get mad at you, my precious Lily!

But a reckless rage

Bella: "reckless rage". Well, that's one way of putting it...

Snape: I was thinking more along the lines of "stubborn tantrum".

Lily/James: ::evil glare::

had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.

Peter: Ooh, we might see some violence!

Alice: Cover your eyes, kiddies, I have a feeling this is far from over with...

"She deserved it,"

Everyone: Absolutely!!

James/Lily: ::clap their hands happily::

Harry said, breathing very fast. "She deserved what she got.

Everyone: Definitely!

You keep away from me." He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door.

Lily: My little boy!!!!! ::cries::

"I'm going," Harry said.

Sirius: ::jumps up:: You go Harry!

"I've had enough."

James/Lily: So have we!

And in the next moment, he was out in the dark, quiet street, heaving his heavy trunk behind him, Hedwig's cage under his arm.

Tonks: And we finished another chapter, people!

MVTSMLM: Me thinks the 'parents' need some time to calm down. We will be back though! Until then, let's continue saying what we are thankful for, never mind the fact that Thanksgiving was two months ago. Lucius?

Lucius: I'm thankful I don't live in America so I don't have to put up with this crap...

MVTSMLM: ::zaps him:: Don't diss America, bastard. ::smiles sweetly:: Frank?

Frank: Are you just doing this to take up space so you can post it on FA?

MVTSMLM: ::rolls eye:: Whatever gave you that idea?
Frank: Well then, I'm thankful to be in this fic.

Everyone: ::stops what their doing:: You are?

Frank: Yeah. You'd be surprised how very little I'm ever in fics. And if I am mentioned, it's either very depressing or just in passing.

Alice: Awe...::hugs Frank::

MVTSMLM: That was heartwarming. Tonks, you want to go next?

Tonks: I'm thankful to still have my Mummy and Daddy and my cousin Sirius. ::receives evil glare from Bella and Narcissa:: And my Aunties Bella and Cissa!

Everyone: AWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella/Narcissa: ::hugs the little dear::

Tonks: And of course, Remus. ::hugs him::

Sirius: Ooh! I think someone might have a crush on a certain friend of mine!

Tonks: Whatever gave you that idea? ::hugs Remus tighter::

.........

Inner-MST Interuption...

Again, I'm sorry. The rest of this is extra. The actual MST ends here. Hope you all like this chapter and will leave me happy reviews! Next chapter will be up after my birthday (February 5)...I hope...

..........

Snape: It's still not 75% your own work? God, woman, you need a hobby!

MVTSMLM: I have one! It's writing fics and humiliating you!

Snape: Oh joy. What do you want us to do this chapter?

MVTSMLM: I don't know! I'll tell you when I figure it out, m'kay! Besides, I don't need as much this time as I did last chapter... Fic's get better with age, alright! ::looks at watch:: Egads! It's past your bed time! ::waves wand:: ::two staircases appear:: Boys, you dorm is on the left. Girls, same on your right! Go to bed!

Everyone: ::goes to bed.::

MVTSMLM: ::looks around:: ::makes sure everyone's still in bed::

Door to the Room of Requirement: ::opens:: ::six people walk in under an expanded invisibility cloak::

Mysterious Voice Nu. 1: OUCH! Ron, that was my foot!

Mysterious Voice Nu. 2: Oops...Sorry, Harry, I didn't mean...

Mysterious Voice Nu. 3: OWW!!!!!!!!!!!! RONALD ARTHUR WEASLEY, THAT WAS MY FOOT!!!

Mysterious Voice Nu. 2: Sorry Hermy, Harry...

Mysterious Voice Nu. 3: DON'T CALL ME HERMY!!!

Mysterious Voice Nu. 1: Shesh...I thought I was suppose to be the one speaking in ALL CAPS!

Mysterious Voices Nu. 4, 5, and 6: Uh, why are we here?

Mysterious Voice Nu. 1: Because the fandom is dead and determined that after the Department of Mysteries thing all six of us are going to be best friends.

Mysterious Voice Nu. 4: I know that! But why are we in the Room of Requirement under Harry's expanded Invisibility cloak?

Mysterious Voice Nu. 3: Oh, sorry Neville, Ginny, Luna...We forgot you guys were so new to the fandom...

Mysterious Voice Nu. 2: Some random fic author has felt the need to kidnap us and do some horrid, never-will-happen-in-the-canon, fanfic.

Other Mysterious Voices: Oh.

Mysterious Voice Nu. 1: Where is this author, anyway? They're usually here the second we get here.

Mysterious Voice Nu. 3: And can you stop referring to us as 'mysterious voices', 'cause I think they've figured out who we are.

MVTSMLM: Uh, right! ::waves wand::

Hermione: Great! Now isn't this better? I feel so much more better! Don't you?

Harry: &*(#&#(%&@#()&!!!!!

Ron: Oh yeah, he's feeling better alright!

Ginny: What sort of fic is this one? Because I have one with a snog session with Draco Malfoy in ten minutes...

Luna: Yeah, and I've got to snog Neville...

Neville: ::jumps:: YOU DO?!

Ron: Yep! Me and Harry are going to have to duke it out for our undenying love for Hermione in an hour...

Harry: ::grins:: Those are my favorites!

Hermione: ::grins as well:: Yes, definitally one of the favorites. But what should we call you, author?

Ginny: Or authoress. They get mad when you get it wrong.

MVTSMLM: You should refer to me as the all powerful, all-mighty fanfic writer...

Luna: Oh, great! We got an arrogant one!

MVTSMLM: ...Or you can call me Jakia. Either one is fine with me.

Others: Hello Jakia! ::waves::

MVTSMLM: Er, right. ::waves back::

Hermione: So, what sort of deranged plot are you going to make us go through?

MVTSMLM: ::jaw drops:: Plot? What plot?! This story doesn't have a plot!

Others: ::moan::

Ron: Damnit, I hate those!

Harry: Really! They're all character descriptions and no snogging! It's just not right!

MVTSMLM: Right...Well, I only need you for about three seconds.

Others: Awesome!

MVTSMLM: Yep! I need 75% my own work to go on FA, so you guys get to help me...

Neville: ::surprisingly:: Is this a MST?

MVTSMLM: Yes, yes it is.

Others: ::mumblemumblegroangroan::

MVTSMLM: Yeah, I thought you'd be happy. Though you'll have to be quick. I don't want my MSTeteers to wake up...

Hermione: Lovely. What poor, pathetic souls have you kidnapped this time?

MVTSMLM: Oh, not that many...more than in most MSTs, though. Let's see...James, Lily, Sirius...

Harry: ::jumps up:: WHERE?!

MVTSMLM: Snape,

Others: ::cringes::

MVTSMLM: Lucius Malfoy...

Others: ::double cringe::

MVTSMLM: Narcissa Black-before-she-was-Malfoy, Bellatrix Black...

Harry/Neville: DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

MVTSMLM: Peter Pettigrew,

Harry: DOUBLE DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Others: ::triple cringe::

MVTSMLM: Remus Lupin, Frank and Alice before-she-was-Longbottom...

Neville: ::jaw drops::

MVTSMLM: And a really cute, adorable eight-year old Tonks.

Harry: You mean...my parents...are here?

Neville: Now?

MVTSMLM: Yes...except they don't know you...exactly...

Neville: WHAT DO YOU MEAN EXACTLY?!

MVTSMLM: Well...they're sixteen...

Harry: Ah, $@*$^(@&$*()@^$@*()&!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Now now, Harry...What would the all powerful, almighty Joanne Katherine Rowling do if she heard her precious Harry saying such colorful words?

Hermione: She'd say, "HOLY #(Y#%(%&@)!!!!! Harry just said %*@#^)&@!!!!!!!!!!"

MVTSMLM: Right...Now, for the 75% part...

Neville: Oh yes...what do you want us to do?

MVTSMLM: Well...that's just the thing. I haven't a clue.

Neville: You mean...You summoned us here...in the middle of nowhere...and you haven't a clue what you want us to do?
Harry: Oh, %*&@#*)(%&@#)(#$*&@!!!!!!!!!!!

Ginny: Really now, Harry, we've just gotta do something about your swearing...

Hermione: ::begins to jump up and down, with her hand waving:: Ooh! Ooh! I know what you can do!

MVTSMLM: ::half asleep:: ::snores:: ::snaps back awake:: What's that?

Hermione: We can give Harry therapy!

Harry: What the...(%&@(%&@)(#$&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MVTSMLM: Sounds like a good idea to me! But can you do it without me? I haven't slept since Christmas and it's starting to show... ::for the first time we see the large bags under the authors eyes, that her naturally curly bushy-hair looks more like a fro, and her teeth are turning yellow::

Remus: ::off in the distance, where you can't see him:: I didn't notice anything different, really.

MVTSMLM: ::zaps him:: You were saying?

Hermione: ::evil grin:: Sure! We can do this without you, all powerful authoress!

MVTSMLM: ::not listening:: ::yawns:: G-good...Here...::waves wand:: ::a ton of bottles of Vertaserum appears:: ::disappears::

..........................................

Luna: Oh, this should be interesting...

Harry: ::gulps:: Why do I have a very, very bad feeling about this?
Ron: Oh, I don't know...Might have something to do with the evil, diabolical look on Hermione's face...

Hermione: ::sits down, with the evil, diabolical look on her face:: Right...Now Harry...Time for you to confess your undenying love for me!

Harry: ::jumps up:: W-what are you talking about?!

Hermione: ::grins:: Author's a H/Hr fan...

Ginny: Ah, man! I was hoping she was an Orange Crusher...

Luna: ::rolls eyes:: And you know this how?
Hermione: I took her laptop when she wasn't looking...::grins::

Harry: NO! NO! NO!! That's biasim! This is...like, a nonshipping fic! You can't go on about me confessing my undenying love for you in a nonshipping fic!

Hermione: ::stares:: That's just...It's not...%@$@*()&%*()@$^*()!!!!!!

Neville: Oh boy...If Ms. Rowling could hear them now...

Ron: But...What will we use all this Vertaserum for?

Harry/Hermione: ::share a look:: ::evil grin::

.......................

Others minus Harry/Hermione: 99 bottles of Vertaserum on the wall! 99 bottle of Vertaserum! Take one down, ::hic:: pass it around! 98 bottles of Vertaserum on the wall!

MVTSMLM: ::appears, now all relaxed and refreshed. Her hair is now blonde again, her glasses are back on, and..er, her teeth are still kinda yellow...:: Ah...that was a good nap. ::looks around:: Jesus, I do need a hobby...Or a dog. One or the other... ::looks at Harry and Hermione, who are giggling and laughing like two schoolgirls gossiping:: Oh dear...::waves wand:: ::Vertaserum disappears::

Harry: Hey!

Hermione: We were using that!

MVTSMLM: ::very disapproving look:: I know you were. That's what scares me. ::checks laptop:: ::gawks:: I didn't know Ron slept with his teddy bear until he was twelve! Or that Luna was actually dropped on her head as a baby...Ooh!! Neville still wets the bed! ::giggles:: Oh ho ho! Ginny has two freckles on her buttocks that resemble a pair of...Okay, that's not G-rated...

Harry: Neither is this fic!

MVTSMLM: ::ignores him:: ::checks her laptop:: Awesome! This should be 75% my own work...You all can go now. ::waves wand.:: ::Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Luna, and Ginny disappear:: I'll have you come back if I need 75% my own work again! ::waves them off::

James: ::comes down the stairs:: ::yawns:: What was that?

MVTSMLM: Oh, nothing. ::checks watch:: It's time for you guys to wake up, anyway.

Everyone: ::wakes up:: ::comes down the stairs::

James: Right. I've gone a whole chapter looking like Snape...Lily, can you fix my hair again?

Lily: ::evil, diabolitcal grin:: Sure, James...I'll fix your hair...::waves wand::

James: ::looks in mirror:: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MVTSMLM: And so, this ends your giant cliffhanger for this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are good for the soul, specifically an authors, so be sure to leave yours! No, not your soul, just the review... Just click that little button there...Yeah, that one that says "Review!"...No! I can still see you! Don't you dare hit that back button! Review! Now! ::on knees:: Please?