A MST of a Different Kind

MVTSMLM: HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HARRY POTTER!!!

All: What is it?

MVTSMLM: SNAPE'S IN A DRESS!!!

Everyone minus Snape: ::runs over to see it::

Snape: ::shyly:: I beg your pardon?

MVTSMLM: Never mind that. I'll show you guys the trailer when you finish the book.

All: AWWW!!!

Frank: But that will take forever!!

Snape: Thank God!

MVTSMLM: Then get at least to chapter seven.

Narcissa: It will still take forever!

MVTSMLM: You're right. Start reading. ::vanishes with her handy-dandy notebook computer::

Sirius: ::hands book to Peter:: You get to read this time, to keep you awake.

Peter: Aw, man!

James: Start reading, Pete! I want to see Snape in a dress!

Snape: I'd rather keep that private, if you don't mind...

CHAPTER TWO: AUNT MARGE'S BIG MISTAKE

Peter: Did I miss something? Who's Aunt Marge?

Remus: ::winks to everyone:: We aren't going to tell you. It's your fault you slept through the last chapter!

Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already sitting around the kitchen table.

Narcissa: I wonder what time he woke up. He went to bed pretty late, you know.

Snape: One of the great mysteries of life, I suppose. What time did Potter wake up? Must think on this.

All: ::laugh::

They were watching a brand-new television,

Everyone minus Lily and Tonks: What's a television?

Lily: It's a screen that shows stuff.

All: Huh?

Lily: Don't blame me!! It's the author's fault she's too lazy to run go get the dictionary!

MVTSMLM: Zap her, Frankie!

Frank: ::zaps Lily with the lightning from the last chapter::

Lily: ::dodges:: HA!

MVTSMLM: And you said I had bad aim! Seesh!

a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley,

Lily: ::growls:: I see no welcome-home Harry present.

Sirius: Back off, woman. Only me and Remus are aloud to growl!

Lily: ::growls louder::

Remus: Of course, we can make an exception!! ::grabs Sirius and runs::

who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television in the living room.

Lucius: Lazy little brat, isn't he?

Lily: ::growls more::

Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually.

Snape: Five chins?!

James: Wow! He is large! Peter only has two chins.

Peter: ::casts James an evil look::

MVTSMLM: Zap him, Frankie!

Frank: ::zaps. Misses:: What is with my aim today? I haven't hit anyone so far!

James: Everyone has an off-day, Frank, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Besides, I was only joking with Pete, Mysterious Author Lady Ma'am. Ain't that right, Petey?

Peter: Er, right! ::smiles widely::

Lily: ::under breath:: He's just saying that so he doesn't get hurt, the bastard...

Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon,

Sirius: It's a Harry sandwich!! Let's squish him!

James/Lily: Hey, that's my son you're talking about! ::attack Sirius::

Sirius: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! ::runs screaming::

a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of mustache.

Tonks: ::giggles:: Sorry! The mental image was just so funny!

Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room,

Lily: ::stops attacking Sirius:: ::jumps up, ready to kill:: WHY YOU SON OF A B------!!!!

Alice: ::holds her down::

Lily: ::still screaming:: HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY SON LIKE THAT?! HE'S WORTH ABOUT TWENTY OF YOU, AND YOU DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE'S ENTERED THE ROOM?! PETUNIA LEANNA EVANS, YOU BETTER HOPE THIS IS JUST FICTION, ELSE I'LL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO KICK YOU'RE A--!!!

MVTSMLM: ::zaps her:: Stop speaking in ALL CAPS. Your scaring small children. ::pauses for a moment:: Wow, I actually zapped someone!

James: Wow! That's the most I've ever heard Lily swear in all the six years I've stalked, I mean, known her! She's turning into an honorary Marauder!

Lily: I am not a Marauder!

Sirius: Sure, hon, that's what they all say...

Lily: ::slaps Sirius::

but Harry was far too used to this to care.

Lily: ::grabs piece of parchment. Begins writing something. You can actually see steam coming out of her ears::

He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the reporter on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict:

Lucius: Let me guess...Is the convict me?

Bella: Nah, it's me.

Lucius: What makes you say that?

Bella: Because you'd buy your way out of prison. I'm more of an escapee sort.

Lucius: ::nods head:: True.

"... The public is warned that Black

Sirius: ::in sort of a daze:: ::wakes up at the sound of his name:: What did I do now?!

Alice: You didn't do anything. It was Bellatrix.

Lily: Or Narcissa. You never know...

Bella: Nah, Narcissa wouldn't do that. She might break a nail.

Narcissa: I beg your pardon! ::slams hand down furiously:: Oh, damn, my nail broke again... ::cries::

Bella: ::rolls eyes:: See what I mean?

is armed and extremely dangerous.

Snape: And insane, if you want to be exact.

Bella: ::smiles proudly::

Remus: Wow! That's a total of, ::count on fingers:: four of us that have been mentioned in the book so far, even if it is indirectly. I'm proud of you, Mysterious Author Lady Ma'am!

MVTSMLM: Ah, shut up before I zap you too!

Remus: NO! Don't zap me! I'm your muse! You can't zap the muse!

MVTSMLM: I can if I want to. I'm just not in the mood, right this second. And it's not convient. I have to go and make a lemon icebox pie, see ya! ::disappears::

A special hot line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately."

Frank: ::jokingly:: Hello? I'd like to report that Bellatrix Black at Hogwarts right now, being held captive by an insane fanfic author who's forcing us to read a book.

Others: ::laugh::

"No need to tell us he's no good,"

Bella: Wait a second, did he just call me a he?

Snape: Read it again, Pettigrew.

"No need to tell us he's no good,"

Peter: Definitely says he, you guys.

Bella: Well I'll be! It isn't me!

Lucius: You know, there is one other in here that fits that profile...

Everyone: ::stares at Sirius::

Sirius: Oh, please! Why would I even be in prison? And even if I was, I wouldn't escape! I'm too much of a good guy to escape!

Everyone: ::scoot far away from him::

Sirius: You guys! ::to himself:: That can't be me... It just can't!

snorted Uncle Vernon, staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!"

Sirius: ::sniffling:: I take pride in my hair, thank you very much!! ::begins to brush his pretty brown locks with pride::

He shot a nasty look sideways at Harry,

Lily: ::angry:: What did Harry do this time?

Narcissa: He converted oxygen into carbon dioxide.

whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon.

James: He can't help that! It's hereditary! I should know, I got it from my Dad as well!

Lily: ::slaps James::

James: What was that for?

Lily: For giving my son your horrid hair!

James: But I can't help that!

Lily: ::scoffs:: I don't believe you.

Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face

Sirius: My face is not gaunt! Whatever gaunt means, exactly...

was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle,

Sirius: ::cries:: My beautiful, beautiful hair!! Wah!!!!! ::brushes his hair with his fingers::

James/Remus/Peter: ::go and sit next to Sirius::

Sirius: What the hell...

James: We know that's not you, Siri.

Remus: Yeah... We know you'd die before you'd let your hair get tangled.

Sirius: For once, my over-obsessiveness with hygene has paid off!

Everyone else: ::scoot even farther back::

Peter: Aw, come on, you guys! It's Sirius! Like he'd have the guts to kill anyone!

Sirius: ::offended:: I have more guts than you do!

Everyone: ::look at him, then scoot back farther::

Sirius: ...But your right, I'd never kill anyone. ::laughs nervously::

Harry felt very well groomed indeed.

Lily: ::grimly:: He should.

Sirius: ::cries:: It better not be me...

The reporter had reappeared.

Peter: ::yawns:: Sorry about that. Couldn't help myself...

"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today --"

Snape: That was a quick change of topics, don't you think?

"Hang on!"

Snape: See? Even fat man agrees with me!

barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the reporter. "You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from!

Bella: Azkaban. ::looks at Sirius like he's crazy::

Sirius: ::sniffs:: It's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me...

What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"

Sirius: Even if it was me, which I know it isn't, I know for a fact I would never go near Privet Drive for the sake of meeting Lily's horrid relatives.

Lily: ::slaps Sirius::

Sirius: B-but I thought you didn't like your relatives!

Lily: I don't. But they're still family, and you don't insult family.

Sirius/Narcissa/Bella: I do!

Lily: Yes, well, the Blacks are said to be insane, aren't they?

Others: ::laugh::

Sirius/Narcissa/Bella: I am not crazy!

Sirius/Narcissa/Bella: ::look at each other for a second:: Well, she/he might be! ::points fingers at the others::

Aunt Petunia,

Lily: ::screams::

who was bony and horse-faced,

Lily: Oh, you couldn't describe her better.

whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window.

James: I wonder if she hurt her neck, moving so fast?

Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hot line number. She was the nosiest woman in the world

Lily: That's her alright...Oh, is she going to be sorry...I can use magic next summer... ::evil look on her face::

and spent most of her life spying on the boring, law-abiding neighbors.

Alice: Definitely your sister, Lily. She has got to be the noisest person I've ever met.

James: Same here.

Lily: You've never met my sister! ::thinks for a minute:: Have you?

James: Yeah...Once. When we got off the train, third year. I was too busy starring at your ass in all it's thirteen year old glory. She came up to me, asked me what I was doing. I told her nothing, but she didn't believe me. She kept mumbling something about how we were all freaks of nature and she how much she hated you. I told her to shut her fat mouth.

Lily: ::sniffs:: Did you really, James?

James: Would I lie about something like that?

Others: Yes.

James: Yeah, but now I'm being sincere. ::smiles proudly::

Lily: Awe...::smiles, but then thinks:: Wait a minute! You were staring at my ass?! How dare you! ::slaps him::

"When will they learn,"

Peter: Really! You'd think after so many years in school the Durselys would learn something, but alas, they haven't. ::sighs pathetically::

Others: ::laugh::

said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"

Sirius: ::down on his knees:: Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me...

James: Don't worry, Siri. We won't let them hang you.

Remus: You won't, James. You're dead!

James: Yeah, but my ghost will haunt them if they do!

Peter: Besides, I thought we already decided the crimal who just so happens to share his last name wasn't Sirius?

Sirius: I know, I'm just making sure. ::bends down on his knees again:: Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me, Please don't be me...

"Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner beans.

Peter: What are runner beans, anyway?

Lily: I don't know!

Alice: Me neither.

Remus: Even I don't know. Well, actually, I do, but the author doesn't, so I'll just pretend I don't, for sake of the plot.

James: You mean this story has a plot?!

Others: ::shrug shoulders::

Uncle Vernon drained his teacup,

Narcissa: Did he drink it with his pinky sticking out?

Sirius: Nah, he's not polite enough to.

glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."

Peter: ::frustrated:: WHO IS MARGE?!

Frank: Not telling.

Peter: Why me?

Snape: Because the author hates you.

Peter: But why does she hate me?

All: ::shrug shoulder::

MVTSMLM: ::appears in a pink apron, with a pumpkin pie in her hands:: You'll find out, sooner or later. Just get to chapter, er...::runs to get her copy of Prisoner of Azkaban.:: ::flips through it:: Chapter Eighteen: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.

Peter: ::glossy eyes:: There's a chapter named after me?! How cool!

James: ::eyes pop open:: How did the author find out our nicknames?!

Sirius: Really, that's like...like...secret Marauder stuff!

Alice: Please. You spend three minutes with you four and you know your nicknames.

Remus: But we've never spent three minutes with... ::looks at the front of the book:: J.K. Rowling!

Sirius: Then how did the author know?

James: He may be watching us... ::looks around carefully::

Remus: She might be spying on us, right now... ::shivers::

James: ::thoughtful:: I thought J.K. Rowling was a guy.

Remus: Nah, it's a girl.

James: Guy.

Remus: Girl.

James: Guy.

Remus: Girl.

Lily: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?!

James/Remus: Okay/Sorry Lily.

James: ::under his breath:: Guy.

Lily: ::slaps him::

Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump.

Lucius: Bet it was a nasty bumb, too. Probably left a mark and everything.

Remus: ::writes on a piece of paper, then hands it to James:: Girl.

"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "Sh -- she's not coming here, is she?"

Peter: WHO'S AUNT MARGE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!

Tonks: That's a good question.

Peter: ::-_-::

James: Truth is, Peter, we haven't a clue.

Alice: Yah, we we're tricking you when we said we weren't going to tell.

Peter: That's not nice. Now, who is she really?

Sirius: We told you, Pete, we don't know!

Lily: I dislike her already.

Bella: I've disliked her since we read the chapter title.

James: ::writes on a piece of paper and hands it to Remus:: J.K. Rowling is a guy.

Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister.

Lucius: I'll be damned, I hate her too! Stupid Muggles...

Remus: ::still writing:: Girl.

Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's

Lily/James: Thankfully!

James: ::on a piece of paper:: Remus, it is too a guy!

(whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister),

Lily: Unfortunatly. ::stiffens::

Remus: ::still writing:: Proof it, James!

he had been forced to call her "Aunt" all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, where she bred bulldogs.

Sirius: PUPPIES!!! ::squees loudly::

James: ::on piece of paper:: How do you want me to do that?

She didn't often stay at Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs,

Bella: As if a dog could be precious...

Sirius: ::give Bella a very, very evil look::

Remus: ::on piece of paper:: Exactly. ::smug look::

James: ::returning the letter:: Then how do you know if it's a girl or a guy?

Remus: ::writing still: I am a MUSE!! Muses know this sort of stuff!

James: ::still writing:: Oh. ::pause:: How do I become a muse?

Remus: ::writing again:: I...don't know. It's just one of those things, you know?

Lily: ::looks over Remus' shoulder:: You two have been arguing behind my back?

James: ::stuff piece of paper behind into his mouth.:: ::chews::

Remus: ::watches him with disgust:: Nope. ::to James:: Great way to destroy the evidence, Prongs!

Lily: ::glares at them because she knows they're lying::

but each of her visits stood out horribly vividly in Harry's mind.

Lily: With reason, I'm sure. ::blood begins to boil::

At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Margo had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him from beating Dudley at musical statues.

Lily: ::opens mouth::

James: Hold her down, men!

Marauders: ::grab hold of Lily, holding her down::

Lily: ::starts fighting them::

Others: ::watch with amusement::

A few years later, she had turned up at Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits

Sirius/Remus: Yummy!

for Harry.

Lily: ::is now nearly beating the Marauders to a bloody pulp:: Let me at her!! I'll show her!! Give my son a box of dog biscuits, why I ought a...

Sirius/Remus: ::share a look::

Sirius: I thought it was a good present!

Remus: Never underemate the power of dog biscuits!

On her last visit, the year before Harry started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden on the tail of her favorite dog.

Sirius: Oh, poor puppy! ::sniffs::

Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight.

Lily: ::explodes:: HOW DARE YOU?! HOW DARE YOU?! DOES BRITIAN NO LONGER HAVE ANY FORM OF CHILD LAWS? HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO HIM? HOW CAN YOU?!! ::cries::

Remus: Calm down, Lily...It's just a book.

Lily: It better be.

Peter: Or we shall have to face the wrath of Lily.

Bella: ::to Narcissa:: Now I know why they call them "Fiery Redheads".

The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.

Lily: I'll make my mindless oaf of a nephew cry, you just watch me...

Bella: ::throws a pillow at her to shut her up::

"Marge'll be here for a week,"

Lucius: Poor kid...Stuck with Muggles.

Narcissa: Poor kid indeed...I didn't know you cared, Lucius!

Lucius: I don't. I'm just saying that to make the Mudblood feel better.

Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject" -- he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry

Lily: ::tightens grip on a pillow Bella threw at her::

-- "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."

Lucius: "Collect her?" That just sounds weird...

Dudley smirked and withdrew his gaze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favorite form of entertainment.

Bella: Mine too!

Lily/James: ::such an evil glare it would make Voldy cry::

Bella: Just...Kidding?

"Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."

Sirius: Don't listen to them, Harry! Bite that woman's head off if you want!

Tonks: But he'll get in trouble!

Sirius: So? I get in trouble all the time, and I turned out fine, didn't I?
Alice: Please, do not drive your trouble making into your innocent cousin at such a young age. ::pats Tonks' head::

Tonks: ::winks at Sirius behind Alice's back::

"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me."

All: Ooh!

Narcissa: I'm liking Harry more and more as we go.

Lily: ::slightly happier though not really:: What are you talking about? I've liked him since page one.

James: No you didn't! You were disgusted with the fact that we had to read a book about a Potter!

Lily: Well, now I'm not! ::smiles proudly::

"Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply,

Peter: He's stupid, and deaf too!

"as Marge doesn't know anything about your abnormality, I don't want any -- any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?"

Lucius: Oh, hell no!! Don't deny your wizarding linage, boy!

Tonks: He shouldn't try to cause trouble, don't you think? Wouldn't that just get him in more trouble?

Lucius: ::grumbles:: Doesn't matter...Stupid Anti-Muggle Baiting laws... All Arthur Weasley's fault...Stupid bastard, I hate him... Him and all seven hundred and fifty of his children...

"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth.

Snape: Sarcastic git.

Lily: ::slaps him::

James: Finally! I was beginning to wonder if me or Sirius were the only one she slaps...

Lily: ::slaps James::

James: ::sighs heavily:: I spoke too soon...

"And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face, "we've told Marge you attend St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys."

James/Lily/Sirius/Alice: WHAT?!?!?!

Lucius: ::snickers:: That's funny.

"What?" Harry yelled.

Remus: Great minds think alike.

Snape: Or in this case, not-so-great minds think sort of alike.

Lily/James/Sirius/Alice: ::evil glare::

"And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or there'll be trouble", spat Uncle Vernon.

Narcissa: What is with this man and spitting on his nephew? I mean, can't he talk normally?

Frank: Narcissa, have you ever thought that the spitting was only literal?

Narcissa: Why would I think that? ::confused look::

Frank: ...Never mind...

Harry sat there, white-faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it.

James: No worries! I don't believe this book either!

Tonks: I do.

Everyone: ::stare at her::

Remus: Um...Why?

Tonks: Because I do. ::smiles in all her eight year old glory::

Aunt Marge coming for a weeklong visit -- it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.

Lily: ::glowing with anger::

"Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"

Alice: No, he's too busy watching television.

"No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.

Frank: Wow, Alice, how did you know?

Alice: ::blushes:: I've been reading ahead over Peter's shoulder this entire time.

Peter: Really? I didn't notice.

Snape: Obviously. ::rubs cheek where Lily hit him:: You know that really stings, don't you?

James: Welcome to my world.

"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's thick blond hair. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow tie."

James: You know what would be the most hillarious thing in the world?

All: What?

James: If Lily happened to come instead of Marge.

Lily: How would that be funny, exactly?

James: ::laughs:: Could you imagine their shock? It'd be absolutely hillarious.

All: ::stare::

Remus: You need a new sense of humor, James. So does the author, because she thought of something so stupid. Continue reading, Wormtail.

Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder. "See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.

Sirius: Take your time.

Peter: Really, take all day, if you need.

James: We won't miss you.

Harry, who had been sitting in a kind of horrified trance, had a sudden idea.

Lily: ::as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, and in a war-chant, sing-song voice:: My son is brilliant...My son is brilliant...

Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door. Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.

Tonks: Why does he have a separate coat for his car?

Remus: I...don't know.

Everyone: ::watches him::

Remus: Seriously, I don't. And it's not because of the author, either.

::clouds part. Angels sing. A single ray of sunlight lands on Tonks, as though she were some sort of saint::

Peter: ::runs around, screaming 'It's the End of the World As We Know It'::

Remus: It's not that big of deal, you know. I'm allowed to make mistakes, aren't I? I'm still only human...MYSTERIOUS AUTHOR LADY, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!

MVTSMLM: ::zaps him::

Remus: ::coughs smoke:: And here I was trying to beat a record, least amount of times zapped. Oh well. ::shrugs shoulder::

Alice: ::picks up book. Begins to read where Peter left off::

"I'm not taking you," he snarled as he turned to see Harry watching him.

Sirius: Like he'd want to come.

"Like I wanted to come,"

Sirius: See what I mean?

said Harry coldly. "I want to ask you something."

Bella: Ooh! I wonder what it is?

Marauders minus Peter, who's still running around: Hogsmeade form.

Frank: Are you sure?

James: Of course! He's my son, he's gotta get his priorieties set straight!

Alice: And going to Hogsmeade is a high prioriety?

Marauders minus Peter: DUH!!!!!!

Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.

Peter: ::stops running around:: Whew...That's more exercise than I've had in a week! And I feel great! I ought to run around screaming my head off more often!

Sirius: You'd loose some weight if you did. ::turns his attention back to the book::
Peter: ::pouts, then stares angrily at Sirius::

"Third years at Hog -- at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry.

Lily: ::clicks:: My son...is brilliant!!!

Narcissa: So you've said, at least...

James: Our son, you mean?

Remus: ::clicks as well:: No. Lily's son.

James: ::looks betrayed:: Remus!!

Remus: I'm sorry, James, but there is no way any child of yours could come up with such a brilliant plan.

James: ::evil look at Remus:: ::mumbles:: I could too, think of a brillant plan, you stupid little prat...

"So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.

"I need you to sign the permission form,"

Sirius: Which is so stupid! Who thought of that idea, anyway?

Everyone: ::shrug shoulder::

Bella: Your mother, just so you wouldn't be able to go.

Sirius: ::jaw drops:: Seriously?

Bella: No, your Sirius Lee.

Sirius: Not funny, Bella. Just not funny... ::pouts::

said Harry in a rush.

"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon.

Alice: ::clicks:: Oh, he's so brilliant!

Bella: ::clicks as well:: Just hope it works.

Others: What works?!

"Well," said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I go to that St. Whatsits --"

Snape: ::clicks:: Wow, I would have never guessed Mudblood's son could be so smart, but hey, I was wrong!

Others: Wrong about what?!

"St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys!"

Lily: ::winces::

bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was pleased to hear a definite note of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.

Frank: I think I get what he's doing. If it works, he most definitely is brillant.

"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly up into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face. "It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"

Others: Oh, I get it!!!

Remus: 'Bout time!

James: My son is brilliant!

Lily: You mean my son, right?

James: Fine then, our son. Happy now?

Lily: No. You have to say Lily's son.

James: ::rolls eyes:: Fine then, Lily's son is brillant. Happy?

Lily: No, but I'll act like I am. ::smiles fakely::

"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?"

Alice: I daresay he won't, if I or Lily have a say in it.

Sirius: I could say the same for me and James, you know.

roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised. But Harry stood his ground.

Lucius: Cunning little boy you have, Mudblood, Potter. Maybe he's not like his parents so much after all...

Lily: If you are suggesting that my son is a Slytherin, Lucius Malfoy, I suggest you leave, now, before you face the wrath that's been building inside since we found out I have a son with James Bastard Potter.

James: ::winces:: That burns, Baby...

Lily: Good.

"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly.

Alice: Harry does have a point, you know.

Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce.

Narcissa: Ug, puce...How horrid!

"But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug -- like I'm normal and everything."

Peter: But where is the fun in that?

Sirius: The fun in it is he'll get to go to Hogsmeade.

Remus: For some reason, I don't think he will.

James: What makes you say that?

Remus: Bad feeling, I guess.

Other Marauders: Ah, man!

Others: What?

Peter: When Remus has a bad feeling, it usually happens.

Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple.

Bella: He probably hasn't thought this much in years.

"Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behavior carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."

All: ::cheer loudly::

Snape: Mysterious Author Lady Ma'am, can we have some food to celebrate?

MVTSMLM: Sure!! ::mysteriously, a ton of food appears:: Hey, and maybe you can try this Pumkin Pie I'm making...I'm thinking it might need a little more Sugar Quills, for the sake of the trees, but I'm not sure...

Remus: ::mumbling under his breath:: Stupid symbolism...

James: Um, do we have to?

MVTSMLM: ::sighs pathetically:: No. You don't have to.

Everyone: ::cheer loudly::

Everyone: ::begins to eat while listening to Alice read::

He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass at the top fell out.

Sirius: ::with mouth full of food:: Mauch dre du crept!

Others: What?

Sirius: ::swallows:: Watch where you step!

Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now.

Lucius: Why, pray tell, would anyone want to act like a Muggle?

James: He wants to go to Hogsmeade!

Lucius: So? Is this Marge lady going to come in his room? I think not. No reason to Mugglfy his room at all. ::opens a Butterbeer, gulps it down::

Narcissa: Sadly, I agree with him. He has a point.

Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework.

Lily: ::wears a badge that says, My son is absolutely brilliant, and he's a GRYFFINDOR!!::

Remus: ::looks at Lily:: You don't know that, Lily. For all you know, he may be in Ravenclaw.

Lily: ::slaps him::

James: Hee Hee...I'm loving this Lily-slaps-other-people-thing...

Lily: ::slaps James::

James: ::pouts:: Why me? Why is it always me...

MVTSMLM: You'd think by now he'd learn...

Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered; he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake.

Snape: Back to the cross-species romance. ::sigh:: And the plot was starting to move along peacefully.

"Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're going to have to clear off for a week.

Everyone: Poor Hedwig!

Go with Errol. Ron'll look after you. I'll write him a note, explaining.

Bella: Explaining what, exactly? His undenying love for his owl?

And don't look at me like that"

Lucius: Ug, he even recognizes the way she's looking at him...GROSS!!

-- Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful -- "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione."

Bella: You know, he talks a lot about Ron...

Sirius: ::with mouth full:: Ba, no? ::translation: Yeah, so?::

Bella: I'm just thinking... What if he was gay?

Others: ::spit food out of their mouths::

MVTSMLM: Sorry, no slash discussion please. ::grins evilly:: At least, not for this chapter. ::zaps Bella for bringing it up::

Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable,

Bella/Lucius/Snape: Tear, tear! He had to say goodbye to birdy! How sad!

put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe. But Harry didn't have long to brood.

Sirius: Don't listen to them, Harry! Brood all you want!

In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.

Lily: ::mad:: Why does she care if he welcome Marge or not? Shouldn't matter a thing to her...

"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall.

James: He can't! His hair won't do anything!

Lily: I bet it could, you just aren't trying hard enough.

James: Oh, really? ::strikes up a challenge:: I'd like to see you make my hair lie flat.

Lily: It's a bet then. You'll see. By the next chapter your hair will lie perfectly flat and natural.

James: ::snorts:: Yeah, right!

Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat.

James: Could be because it won't anyway.

Lily: We'll see about that after the chapter, won't we, James?

Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be.

Narcissa: She's mean.

Frank: Nah, really? I didn't notice.

All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors and footsteps on the garden path.

Peter: This is starting to get boring again. And I'm not reading, so I may fall asleep.

Sirius: Here. ::hands Peter a Butterbeer:: Guaranteed to keep you awake twenty four hours a day, seven days a week!

Peter: ::sarcastically:: Gee, thanks! ::gulps it down::

"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry.

Lily: ::temper rising.:: ::under her breath:: Get your own damn door, woman!

A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open. On the threshold stood Aunt Marge.

Tonks: And so we meet the mysterious Aunt Marge...How come there's no mysterious music playing?

MVTSMLM: ::puts on very old, creepy record player::

Record Player: ::plays corny mystery music that you'd hear in old, black-and-white movies.::

She was very like Uncle Vernon: large, beefy, and purple-faced, she even had a mustache, though not as bushy as his.

Narcissa: ::busts out laughing:: I'm sorry! It's funny!

Record Player: ::plays back fake laughter::

In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.

Sirius: PUPPIES!!

Remus: It says 'old' dog, Sirius.

Sirius: Fine then. DOGGIE!!!!

Remus: ::sigh::

James: You just can't teach an old dog new tricks, can you?

"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffy-poo?"

Snape: Dudders?

Lucius: Neffy-poo?

::look at one another before falling on the floor with laughter::

Record Player: ::plays fake laughing again::

Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered flat to his fat head, a bow tie just visible under his many chins.

Bella: Ug, sounds even uglier than I imagined. And I can imagine pretty ugly things.

Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him,

Lily: ::temper rising even more::

Record Player: ::plays corny dramatic music::

seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.

Everyone: ::is completely grossed out::

Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist.

Sirius: Bastard! How come I'm not paid to put up with Aunt Anastasia?!

Bella/Narcissa: Watch it, buster, that's our mother you are talking about!

"Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat stand.

Lily: ::glowing with anger::

Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed,

Bella: Ooh! How very...what was that word she used?

Remus: ::reading 1001 Magical Harry Potter Fandom Terms. (Baffle your friends with your endless knowledge of the Harry Potter Fandom! Includes Ships, SCUSA, Scribbles from History of Magic class, Daily Prophet, cookies, ficlets, and slash!) Slash: Term used for gay pairings in the Harry Potter fandom. Named after the / line in the pairings.

Bella: Ah, right! How very slashy!

or rather, Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunia's bony cheekbone. Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door.

Frank: What's he so happy about? He has to put up with her!

Sirius: Ah, he probably likes her! After all, she is mean to Harry!

"Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"

Lily: Ripper can take a good kick in the--

"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer," said Aunt Marge as they all proceeded into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase.

James: He's probably happier that way.

But Harry wasn't complaining; any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could.

Remus: Definitely sounds like you, James. You take forever doing every little thing. Expessially if you don't want to do it.

Lily: ::slaps James:: Every time one of your bad traits show on my son, I'm going to slap you.

James: I won't have a cheek left to slap, you keep this up.

Lily: ::slaps him again::

James: Ow!!!!

By the time he got back to the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake, and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner.

Lily: ::smirks:: I bet Petunia was loving that. She hates animals.

Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince slightly as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor. Aunt Petunia hated animals.

Lily: I rest my case.

"Who's looking after the other dogs, Marge?" Uncle Vernon asked.

Snape: Who cares?

Lucius: I don't.

Narcissa: It's just a conversation starter. He probably doesn't care either.

"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge.

Peter: Who's Colonel Fubster?

Others: ::shrug shoulders::

MVTSMLM: Some old guy. Pay him no mind. He's not important. At least, I don't think he is. Might be later in the series though...But I doubt it.

"He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor old Ripper. He pines if he's away from me."

Sirius: Probably pines because he's near you.

Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.

Lily: ::jumps up:: I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Why are they so mean to him?! What did he ever do to them?!

MVTSMLM: I think we need a break, so Lily can calm down. Why don't you fix James' hair, take your mind off things.

Lily: ::sniffs:: Okay...

::a ton of hair stuff pops out of nowhere::

Lily: ::sits behind James, and pulls out a brush::

James: A brush? You think a brush is going to get through my--OW!!!!! ::recoils::

Lily: I didn't even touch you! ::grins::

James: Yes you did! I felt it!

Lily: ::shrugs shoulders:: If you say so. Now sit back and let me do your hair... ::begins to brush::

James: Ow...Ow...Ow...Ow...Ow...

Author's Mid-term Notes

The MST is techincally over. The rest of this is just so I can have 75%

My own work, according to FA rules and regulations. Feel free to read the next part if you want. I'm not here to stop you. Be sure to read and review, because I put my heart and soul into this chapter. Chapter Four will be up shortly.

MVTSMLM: Er, right. Now, since we all know Turkey Day is just around the corner, actually, by the time you read this, it's passed, but since I was writing this story when Turkey day was just around the corner...

Remus: ...And the author still needs seventy five percent of the story to be her own work in order to get this chapter on FA...

MVTSMLM: ...I'm going to have all my MSTeteers say what their thankful for!

Lucius: Why?

MVTSMLM: Because it's Thanksgiving!

Frank: Um, what's Thanksgiving?

Alice: ::rolls eyes:: It's an American holiday.

MVTSMLM: Right you are!

Everyone: But we're British!

Snape: The author's not.

MVTSMLM: Correct! Now, we'll start with James Potter, the lucky dog...

Lily: ::pulls out blow dryer::

James: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! ::runs from her::

Lily: Ah, come on! I won't bite! ::evil grin:: Much!

MVTSMLM: Right, we may be coming back to James...Sirius! What are you thankful for?

Sirius: Not living at home anymore.

MVTSMLM: ::high fives him:: Good answer! Now, Severus, what are you thankful for?

Snape: That you refer to me as Snape rather than Severus. Why do you do that, anyway?

MVTSMLM: Because Severus is too hard to spell. But that's a good answer too! So let's move on. Ah, Bella, what are you thankful for?

Bella: Um, my pureblood linage and my great good looks?

MVTSMLM: Ah, sure! Works for me. I think this is now 75% my own work, so we'll see.

Remus/Snape: BE SURE TO REVIEW!! AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING FOR THE AMERICANS!!!!!!!

James: ::still running:: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily: Aw, come on! It doesn't hurt!

...............

Tonks: Um, Mysterious Author Lady Ma'am?

MVTSMLM: Yes sweetheart? ::smiles sweetly::

Tonks: Why are we here still? I mean, isn't this the end of the chapter, we're suppose to disappear until you start working on the next chapter again?

MVTSMLM: ...I need 75% of this fic to be my own work...

Lucius: Bullocks!

Frank: I thought that's why we had to do that stupid Thanksgiving stuff?!

MVTSMLM: It is...It just only brought me up to 66% my own work, not 75% my own work.

Sirius: So us just sitting here, rambling makes this fic more your own work?

MVTSMLM: It's based on a word count. Every word not bolded helps me.

Sirius: Alrighty...So if I started teasing someone...You won't zap me?

MVTSMLM: Nope...Not now... I've got to go fry a turkey, so have at it. ::disappears::

Sirius: YEAH! ::clears throat:: Hem Hem ::in a sing-song voice::...James and Lily, sitting in a tree,

James: ::still running from Lily's hairdryer:: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Tonks: ::raises eyebrow:: Kiss..ing?

Sirius: First comes love, then comes marriage...Here comes Harry in the baby carrage! ::giggles::

Frank: Somehow, I don't think they heard you.

Lily: ::running after James with a hair straightener:: HOW CAN I FIX YOUR HAIR IF YOU WON'T STAY STILL?!

James: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snape: Think this is 75% author's own work yet?

Sirius: I hope not! I got a lot more songs I want to sing!

Bella: Oh, the horror! ::puts fingers in her ears::

Sirius: But I want it that way!!!!!

Peter: The horror! The shame! Sirius is singing Backstreet Boys!!

Remus: Never mind that this is the seventies, and most of the Backstreet Boys are small children.

Sirius: I can sing Eminem if you'd like!

Narcissa: Who's M & M?

Tonks: Eninem...It's spelled with a E. How do you know who all these people are, anyway?

Sirius: I've been going through the author's CD collection. In fact, there is one song I've wanted to try... ::clears throat:: I'm sorry mama...I never meant to hurt you...I never meant to make you cry but tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet...

Sirius Fangirls: ::SQUEEL!::

Sirius: And their's another, too. It's by Simple Plan...

Remus: ::with author's laptop in his lap:: Is it "Perfect"? Because the author's seriously considering doing a songfic with that song...

Sirius: Yep! Hey, Dad, look at me! Think back and talk to me. Did I grow up according to plan?And do you think, I'm, wasting my time, doing things I wanna do? It hurts, when, you disapprove all along...

Snape: The words aren't exactly right...

Sirius: Hey! I'm trying! I've only listened to the song once, you know...

Remus: ::sighs:: As the author's muse, I'm going to appologize for her, having you guys read this crap. It's not her fault. She's just trying to take up 75% of her own work. She hope you all will still read and review. She still loves all of you very much, and reviews make her happy. That being said, I bid you farwell.

MVTSMLM: ::on bended knees:: Please be 75%, please be 75%, please be 75%, please be 75%, please be 75%, please be 75%, please be 75%...

................

Snape: Let me guess...We still aren't 75% your own work?

MVTSMLM: Three hundred and fourty six more words, that's all I'm asking...

James: ::still running around, screaming::

MVTSMLM: Three hundred and fourty one more words...

Lucius: This is so stupid...Why can't you go back and make us say more stuff so that you have 75% your own work instead of making us do all this crap?

MVTSMLM: Thirty three, thirty two, thirty one...Keep bitching, Lucy! It's getting me more words that I can count as 75% my own work...

Lucius: DO NOT CALL ME LUCY!!

Tonks: You didn't have this much trouble last two chapters. Why this one?

MVTSMLM: Because Aunt Marge's Big Mistake really isn't that funny of a chapter, therefore, it's hard to insert funny comments in a chapter that, just plainly, isn't funny. ::types on laptop:: Awesome! I got one hundred thirty more words! Is that not cool or what? Two hundred, sixteen more words left, you guys!

Lucius: ::begins to snore::

Snape: Can I fall asleep too?

MVTSMLM: Nope. Your too much fun, I have to keep you here, I'm getting even more words!

Remus: Your poor reviewers...They must be so upset, having to read these random moments of insanity when all they really wanted to read was a MST...

MVTSMLM: ::sniffs, teary-eyed:: I know. I feel for them so much! I know what it's like to have to read a bunch of crap at the end of a story that you'd really rather not read... But I hope this doesn't drive you from reviewing! Reviews are good for the soul, they make the author happy!

Peter: ::sniffs with his nose:: Is that...pie?

MVTSMLM: Why, yes it is! You want some? I have pumpkin, pecan, lemon icebox, apple, peach... Plus, if you want regular food, I have two and a half fried turkeys, half a glazed ham, a whole bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken...

Bella: Who ever heard of having fried chicken at a Thanksgiving dinner?!

MVTSMLM: You do when your hosting a Thanksgiving meal for the entire family, and small children won't eat turkey or ham.

James: ::runs screaming::

Lily: ::stop chasing him:: Authoress, will you make him stay still? He's afraid of my hair straighener!

James: It's possessed by a demon, I swear!

MVTSMLM: Sure! ::looks at everyone else:: Tie him down, men! ::looks around:: Woman! ::Tonks glares:: Children!

James: Ha! You'll never get me! My friends will never betray me!

Peter: ::begins to tie him up::

James: Oh, sure, Pete! I'll remember that, you bloody traitor!

MVTSMLM: Even when you are in need of a secret keeper in order to protect your infant son from the likes of Lord Voldemort and Sirius thinks Remus is betraying you and Remus thinks Sirius is betraying you and the only person you really trust anymore is Peter?

Everyone: Huh?

MVTSMLM: Oh, never mind! Duct tape him, people!

Everyone including the author: ::begins to ducktape him to the chair::

James: ::screams bloody murder:: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!