A MST of a Different Kind

Everyone: ::still gobbling down food::

MVTSMLM: Okay, time to get back to the book!

Everyone: ::unanimous groan::

MVTSMLM: ::disappears::

Sirius: Since Remus read last time, I'll read this time. Hand me the book, Moony.

Bella: ::inquisitive:: Moony? That's a funny nickname.

Sirius: It's a looonnngg story, Bella...

Narcissa: Right. Could care less. Continue, Sirius.

Plump little Mrs. Weasley;

Lily: Alice, you don't suppose that's Molly Weasley, do you?

Alice: Might be. But she wasn't plump when I saw her last, though.

Tall, balding Mr. Weasley;

Lucius: Arthur Weasley's bald?! ::starts to laugh evilly.::

Snape: You know, I'd really like to know what happened that makes you hate Arthur so much, but I haven't the guts to ask.

Six sons;

Peter: Egads! There's more!

One daughter;

Tonks: Poor girl. Having six brothers. I couldn't imagine...

All (though the black and white picture didn't show it)

Sirius: Show what, exactly? ::winks::

Lily: SIRIUS!! TAKE THAT BACK!! Ugg, that's a bad mental image...

With flaming red hair.

Lucius: Except for Arthur, who's BALD!! MWHUHAAAA!!!

Right in the middle of the picture was Ron,

Narcissa: Who was spitting on him.

Frank: Nah, it's only a picture.

Sirius: I don't know, my mother's picture can spit on you. Can scream pretty loud, too.

Bella: I'll be sure to tell Auntie you said that about her, Siri.

Sirius: Go right ahead. She won't care. She hates me.

Bella: ::scoffs::

Tall and gangling,

James: Sounds like Remmy.

Remus: ::frowns:: Mysterious Author Lady ma'am, may I have some choclate frogs?

MVTSMLM: Sure!! ::starts raining choclate frogs::

Remus: Yippie! ::starts to throw them at James:: I told you not to call me Remmy.

James: B-but Lily does!

Remus: Yes, well, she's Lily. Lily is a Godess and is allowed to do anything. Can't you see the author is a Moon Petals fan?

Others: ::raise eyebrow::

Snape: ::laughs:: Obviously Lupin and I are the only ones familiar with fanon terms.

Lucius: Like what?

Snape: Like fangirls. And slash.

Remus: Though I wouldn't bring up slash with the author. She doesn't like it too much. And more to the point, there are children reading right now who have no idea what slash is, and we are condemning their young and innocent minds.

Snape: Or so she likes to think.

Frank: How did you guys find all of this out?

Remus: The author likes us. Or she likes me, I should say. I'm her muse. She just feels sorry for Snape, so she let us in on some stuff.

Snape: Like, did you know there are millions of people who, right this second, are reading short/novel length stories about us online?

::silence::

Bella: You're insane. Keep on reading, Sirius.

With his pet rat,

Narcissa: A pet rat? Good lord!

Peter: Wow! Ron is so cool!

Sirius: ::to James, whispering:: You don't suppose his pet rat is Peter, do you?

James: ::to Sirius, whispering:: Don't be silly. Lots of people have rats for pets. We can't assume such.

Scabbers,

James: I rest my case.

On his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.

Sirius: Hey! Another girl!!

Tonks: It's a miracle!

Peter: Maybe Harry's pinning over Ginny?

James: Nah, Ginny didn't give him a birthday present.

Remus/Snape: ::share a look::

Remus: They're deep in the fanon already!

Snape: And we're only on page nine!

Harry couldn't think of anyone

Alice: But Ginny?

Lily: Nah, Hermione.

Narcissa: I'm with Lily. I like Harry with Hermione.

Bella: You can't say that. We don't know anything about Ginny!

Lucius: ::rolls his eyes:: Except that she's a Weasley?

Snape: And Hermione's a Mudblood. Choose between the two evils:

Lily: Hermione.

Sirius: ::At same time as Lily:: Ginny.

James: Sirius, how could you?

Sirius: What? I like the name Ginny!

Lucius: ::rolls eyes once more:: Can we move on please?

MVTSMLM: No! I enjoy SHIP debates!

Remus: ::to Snape:: Should we tell them who he ends up with?

Snape: Nah, let them suffer.

Frank: ::raises eyebrow:: Have you read the book already?

Snape: Well, we did.

Remus: But the author oblivated our memories, so we can't remember anything about it.

Tonks: So technically you have no clue who ends up with who?

Snape: Exactly, you little half blood...

Remus: ::coughs forcefully:: But we like to act like we know everything. Isn't that right, Snivilus?

Snape: ::shudders::

Who deserved to win a large pile of gold more than

Remus: Me?

The Weasleys, who were very nice and extremely poor.

Lucius: Lupin! You're the missing Weasley!

Bella: ::rolls eye:: Lucius, you are an idiot. You're the only person who can insult a person while complimenting them.

Lucius: ::looks confused::

Sirius: This is a miracle! I actually agree with Bella! Lucius is an idiot!

Bella: ::stares:: Hell has frozen over.

He picked up Ron's letter and unfolded it.

Peter: This is starting to get boring again.

Remus: It gets better. I think.

Dear Harry,

James: ::as Ron:: I think I'm madly in love with you.

Lily: ::hits James:: James! That's gross!

James: ::rubs head:: Ow! I was just joking! Geez...

Happy birthday!

Snape: Or that.

Alice: I forgot it was his birthday.

Narcissa: You're always forgetful, Knowles.

Alice: ::looks offended::

Look,

Sirius: ::as Ron:: I'm cutting right to the point, my sister is in love with you. I know it might be hard to accept at first, but I think it will work out between you two. Just think, we can be brothers!

Lily: ::as Harry:: But Ron, I can't date your sister! I'm in love with Hermione!

Sirius: ::as Ron:: No! Hermione is mine! Diieee!

James: Where the hell did that come from?

Sirius: Just think about it! They could be one big happy family!

Lucius: That's just sick. You guys are sick. I don't know what I'm doing here. I want to go home!

MVTSMLM: That's too bad. Read Sirius!

I'm really sorry about that telephone call.

Narcissa: Should be. You made Harry get spit on! Do you realize how gross that is?

I hope the Muggles didn't give you a hard time.

Snape: That is the understatement of the century.

I asked Dad, and he reckons I shouldn't have shouted.

Lucius: Trust Arthur to point out the bluntly obvious.

It's amazing here in Egypt.

Remus: I imagine it is.

Sirius: I wanna go!

Bill's taken us around all the tombs and you wouldn't believe the curses those old Egyptian wizards put on them.

Lily: ::pulls gigantic book out of nowhere:: Let's see, ancient Egyptian wizards' used curses such as...

James: Lily, shush love.

Lily: Love? I thought we've discussed this James. I hate your guts. There is no possible way I could ever love you. I think you are a disgusting idiot, not to mention a bullying toerag. If you ever think about coming near me in your personal disgusting way, I'll sick the fanboys on you. Believe it or not, there are such things.

James: ::cries::

Alice: Fanboys?

MVTSMLM: She has no idea what she's talking about. However, brownie points for trying!

Frank: Why won't you tell the rest of us about the fanon instead of humiliating us for being ignorant?

MVTSMLM: ::sighs:: I won't tell Lucius 'cause he's a pimp.

Lucius: ::looks shocked::

MVTSMLM: I won't tell Narcissa because she's a sissy.

Narcissa: I object! I am not a sissy! Oh, God, I think I broke a nail...

MVTSMLM: I won't tell Bellatrix because she's evil and insane.

Bella: And proud, while your at it.

MVTSMLM: I won't tell Frank because I know nothing about him, basically.

Frank: B-but...

MVTSMLM: Won't tell Sirius because he has entirely too many fangirls.

Sirius: I do?

Peter: He does?

MVTSMLM: Won't tell James because he is a bully.

James: That's not fair. I'm a nice guy. Sort of.

MVTSMLM: I won't tell Alice because I like her son too much to do that to her.

Alice: ::shocked:: My son? I have a son! Is he friends with Harry?

MVTSMLM: I won't tell Peter because I don't like him.

Peter: You don't?

Sirius: Hey, come on now!

James: Yeah, what's not to like about Pete?

MVTSMLM: You'll find out, I promise. I won't tell Lily because she's bound to find out on her own anyway.

Lily: I am?

MVTSMLM: You bet! And as much as I'd like to tell Tonks, I can't.

Tonks: Why not?

MVTSMLM: There are some things in the fanon that just aren't age-appropriate, and I have far too many values. Besides, I had to tell Remus, he's my muse. And I had to tell Snape, because everyone hates him, (besides the fangirls) so, yeah. That's about it.

Lucius: ::finally catching on:: I am not a pimp!

MVTSMLM: Right. Read on, James.

Mum wouldn't let Ginny

Sirius: ::as Ron:: Get shagged. Sorry buddy.

Lily: SIRIUS!!
MVTMLM: Ship debates...Gotta love them!

Come in the last one. There were all these mutant skeletons in there,

Boys: COOL!!!

Bella: Oh boy.

Narcissa: Could they get any more immature?

Sirius: ::not listening to the girls:: I want a mutant skeleton!!

Alice: Yes, 'Cissa, they can.

Of Muggles

Bad Boys: SUPER COOL!

James: Er, that's kinda sick.

Lily: ::shocked:: James, that's the most mature thing you've ever said!

James: Really? So you'll go out with me?

Lily: Er, no.

James: ::sobs::

That had broken in

Frank: Well, I don't suppose it's too bad. They did break in, you know.

Tonks: Did they know better? It's not like there was a sign saying 'DO NOT ENTER: CURSED!'

And grown extra heads and stuff.

Boys: SUPER, SUPER COOL!!!!

Peter: I want an extra head!

Sirius: Me too!

Lily: ::begins to gag herself::

I couldn't believe it when

Sirius: ::as Ron:: I walked in on you and Ginny shagging. You could have told me!

James: ::as Ron:: I walked in on you and Hermione shagging. You could have told me!

James/Sirius: ::evil glare::

MVTSMLM: God, I love ship wars!

Frank: You know, that is kind of sick. They're thirteen for Christ's sake!

Remus: So? Do you think they care?

Dad won the Daily Prophet Draw.

Peter: This is getting boring. Can we talk about the mutated heads again?

Seven hundred galleons!

Remus: Mental note to self: Subscribe to Daily Prophet. Win drawing.

Most of it's gone on this trip,

Snape: You know, that doesn't make much sense. If they are as poor as the book's described them, why the hell didn't they use the money on, oh, I don't know...Fixing the house? Getting some clothes that aren't handmedowns? There's a million and one things they could have done other than go to Egypt.

Alice: Yeah, but they probably haven't gone on a vacation in a while. They just wanted to have some fun.

MVTSMLM: Are you sure all of you aren't FictionAlley people in disguise? I swear, I saw a thread like this just the other day...

But they're going to buy me a new wand for next year.

Bella: What's wrong with your old one?

Harry remember only too well the occasion when Ron's old wand had snapped.

Lucius: ::was sleeping:: ::head pops up:: A Weasley's wand snapped? Did he get expelled? ::looks excited::

It happened when the car

James: Car? I thought he thought we died in a car crash. Wouldn't that make him afraid of cars?

The two of them had been flying

Boys: A flying car? Cool! I want one!

Sirius: Definitely inherited the family business, aye, James? ::winks::

Lily: Mental note to self: Never go near James or alcohol. Especially when mixed.

James: First you say I'm the sperm donner for you're all-perfect son, now you say our child was a mistake of too much Firewhiskey?! How dare you!

Lily: Does this mean you're over me?

James: No, I love you enough to ignore you're small, hardly noticeable faults.

Lily: ::bangs head on nearest, hardest thing available.::

To Hogwarts had crashed into a tree on the school grounds.

Remus: Let me take a guess on the tree...

Sirius: Oh! Oh! Let me! I know this one! ::raised hand in the air in a way that would mimic Hermione::

Remus: ::sighs:: Fine, Siri. What tree was it?

Sirius: The one near the lake!

Remus: ::bangs head on hardest, nearest thing available::

Sirius: ::Smiles cheekily::

James/Peter: ::laugh::

Others: ::look confused::

We'll be back about a week before term starts, and we'll be going up to London to get my wand and our new books. Any chance of seeing you there?

Tonks: Er, I think not. His Aunt and Uncle would kill themselves before they'd voluntarily let him get magic supplies.

Don't let the Muggles get you down!

Narcissa: Excuse me? You aren't getting spit on! That would get anyone down!

Try and come to London,

Snape: Trying and failing bring only one important lesson in life.

James: What would that be?

Snape: Don't try.

Ron

Sirius: Really? Gosh darnit, I thought it was Dumbledore!

Remus: Oh Siri, if you had a brain, you'd be dangerous.

Bella: Hear hear!

P.S.

Lucius: I always hate it when letters end with P.S. Why don't they just put it in the letter in the first place?

Lily: I...don't know.

::gasping is heard::

James: Lily doesn't know something? That is so very Marauder of you, Lils!

Sirius: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!!

Peter: Nah, that would only happen if Remus didn't know something.

Remus: ::nods head::

Percy's

Frank: Percy?! What kind of name is Percy?

Bella: Sounds like a dog's name.

MVTSMLM: ::laughs::

Head Boy. He got the letter last week.

James: Oh, the shame!

Peter: Really!

Sirius: I mean, imagine if one of us got Head Boy.

Remus: That'd be scary.

Lily: ::snorts:: As if. McGonagal would go mad before she'd let one of you four become Head Boy.

Harry glanced back at the photograph. Percy, who was in his seventh and final year at Hogwarts, was looking particulatly smug.

Narcissa: One quick question: Why do we care about Percy? We don't even know who he is.

MVTSMLM: He's one of Ron's brothers.

Lucius: One of them? How many are there now, twenty five?

He had pinned his Head Boy badge to the fez perched jauntily on top of his neat hair, his horn-rimmed glasses flashing in the Egyptian sun.

Sirius: Sounds like you, James.

Remus: Minus the neat hair, of course.

James: ::throws choclate frogs at them both::

Harry now turned to his present

Peter: Open it! I can't stand the suspense!

And unwrapped it. Inside was what looked like a miniature glass spinning top.

Alice: Oh! A Sneakoscope! I have one!
James: I don't.

Lily: That would be because it would go off all the time, right?

There was another note from Ron beneath it.

Snape: Again with the notes? I thought we were done with them...

Harry--this is a Pocket Sneakoscope.

Alice: Ha! I was right! Told you so!

If there's someone untrustworthy around,

James/Sirius/Peter/Lucius/Snape/Bella: ::guilty grin::

It's supposed to light up and spin.

Alice: Don't worry, it does.

Bill

Sirius: Hey! We're back to the first year! ::thinks about it for a moment:: Gosh, he's like...thirty something in this, isn't he?

James: Well, let's see...If he's six years younger than us, and I have a thirteen year old son, saying I was at least nineteen when he was born... ::thinks about it a moment:: He's probably twenty-six, or around there. Saying I was nineteen when Harry was born, which I probably wasn't. I might've been twenty some-odd.

Remus: Wow! That's the most logic James has ever used before in his life! I'm proud of you, Prongs!

James: ::throws chocolate frog::

Says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable,

Bella: And Bill is probably right. Take that, Knowles!

Because it kept lighting up at dinner last night.

Alice: Someone who isn't very trustworthy must be in the Weasley family.

Lucius: There's about sixty of them now, so one of them is bound to turn bad!

But he didn't realize Fred and George had put beetles in his soup.

James: Fred!

Sirius: George!

James/Sirius: Our heroes!

Bye--

Snape: Thank God. I thought he'd never shut up.

Ron

Peter: ::begins to snore::

Harry put the Pocket Sneakoscope on his bedside table, where it stood quite still, balanced on its point, reflecting the luminous hands of his clock.

Peter: ::snores louder::

He looked at it happily for a few seconds, then picked up the parcel Hedwig had brought.

Tonks: Oh yeah! His bird brought him something! I'd forgotten.

MVTSMLM: Forget a lot in a short amount of time, don't you guys?

Inside this, too, there was a wrapped present, a card, and a letter,

Frank: Damn, that is one faithful bird.

Lucius: Or lover. We haven't decided yet.

Lily: Ugh, Malfoy, must you be so gross?

This time from Hermione.

Lily/Narcissa/James/Tonks: Yippee!

Dear Harry,

Lily: ::as Hermione:: I love you. There, I said it. I hope you can accept this. Care to join me on a romantic date down on the beach, where we can walk down in the sand hand in hand, watching the sunset and snogging?

James: ::partially as Harry, other part as himself:: Sure! ::picks up Lily playfully::

Lily: ::surprisingly, giggles::

Ron wrote to me and told me about his phone call to your Uncle Vernon. I do hope you're all right.

Narcissa: Awwww...She's worried!! How sweet!

I'm on holiday in France at the moment

Tonks: ::sigh:: ::as Hermione:: And I simply cannot wait to get back in your arms!~

And I didn't know how I was going to send this to you--

Sirius: ::jokingly as Harry:: ::pretends to open a package:: You sent me a bag of...

Alice: Don't finish that, Sirius.

Sirius: Why? All I was going to say was...

Alice: Hem Hem. ::glares over at Tonks, who's listening patiently.::

Sirius: Oh. Sorry. ::sheepish grin::

What if they'd opened it at customs?

Sirius: ::nasty grin:: They'd probably say, 'Oh, what a sex-crazed teenager you are...'

Remus/Lily/Alice/Bella/James/Narcissa: SIRIUS!!!

Sirius: Oh, fine then! Ruin my fun, why don't you?

--but then Hedwig turned up! I think she wanted to make sure you got something for your birthday for a change.

Bella: You have to admit, that is one sweet bird he's got there.

Snape: Jealous, Bella? ::raises eyebrow::
Bella: ::slaps him::

I bought your present by owl-order; there was an advertisement in the Daily Prophet

Remus: Unless you were planning on ordering from Witch Weekly, I think that would be the only place you could get an owl-order.

(I've been getting it delivered; it's so good to keep up with what's going on in the wizarding world)

Lucius: I just remembered something. She's a Mudblood, isn't she?

MVTSMLM: Bright bunch, you are. Really bright. Right up there with those ditzy blondes in my class.

Did you see that picture of Ron and his family a week ago?

Frank: Nah, he just owled in to me. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

James: With a dead owl.

::others shiver::

Tonks: I do hope you guys know I'll have nightmares about that until I'm twenty something.

Remus: Oh dear, we've scarred the little darling for life. ::wraps arms around her::

I bet he's learning loads.

Sirius: Probably not. He's probably like me. Doesn't learn a thing. Period.

I'm really jealous--the ancient Egyptian wizards were fascinating.

Lily: ::as if having a conversation:: I know! They were really fascinating, weren't they? Hogwart, a History says on page 356 that Egyptian wizards...

James: ::covers her mouth with his hand::

Lily: ::pouts:: ::bites his hand::

James: OW! ::rubs his hand where Lily bit him::

Lily: ::smiles::

There's some interesting local history of witchcraft here, too. I've rewritten my whole History of Magic essay to include some of the things I've found out.

Remus: France isn't too interesting.

Sirius: Duh! Of course it wouldn't be to you, you live there!

Remus: Still isn't that interesting.

I hope it's not too long--it's two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for.

Narcissa: Good Lord, child, have you no social life?

Bella: ::jaw drop::

Snape: I couldn't even do that much, and I consider myself slightly studious.

Lily: Oh, that's easy. I always do that much extra.

James: Remus does more.

Remus: ::smiles proudly::

Ron says he's going to be in London in the last week of the holidays. Can you make it?

James: Awfully keen on him being there, isn't she?

Sirius: ::pouts:: I still like Ginny/Harry better.

Will your aunt and uncle let you come?

Frank: Someone uses her noggins, that's for sure. Ron didn't even think of that.

I really hope you can.

Lily/Tonks/Narcissa: ::sigh romantically::

If not, I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express on September first!

James: You see everyone on September first!

Love from

Lily/Tonks/Narcissa: ::giggle::

James: See! See! I told you so! Love From! Ha!

Sirius: ::pouts::

Hermione

Peter: ::still snoring::

Bella: Someone wake him up. That's starting to get annoying.

Sirius: That's okay, Remus snores louder.

Remus: Excuse me?!

P.S.

Lucius: Again with the P.S.? God, neither of his friends know how to write a letter.

Ron says Percy's Head Boy.

Lucius: They even say the same damn thing! Good grief!

I bet Percy's really pleased. Ron doesn't seem too happy about it.

Sirius: Do you really blame him? God, I couldn't imagine Reggie being Head Boy...

Harry laughed as he put Hermione's letter aside and picked up her present.

Lily: Ooo! I wonder what she got him!

Sirius: I already told you! She got him a bag of...

Others: SIRIUS!!!!

It was very heavy.

Sirius: ::raises eyebrow seductively::

Knowing Hermione, he was sure it would be

Sirius: ::opens his mouth::

Alice: ::holds hand over Sirius' mouth:: We don't need to know, thanks.

A large book

Remus: Ha! Take that, Sirius! It wasn't anything nasty!

Sirius: You don't know that. They didn't say what was in the book.

Remus: ::thinks about it for a moment:: ::squirms::

Narcissa: Eww....

Full of

Lucius: Don't even think it, Black.

Bella/Narcissa: I beg your pardon?

Lucius: Not you two! Him!

Bella/Narcissa: Oh.

Snape: Don't bother, Lucius. Black isn't capable of a clean thought.

Sirius: ::ignores them::

Very difficult spells---

Remus: ::joking:: Wow! That's what I want for my birthday!

James: ::raises eyebrow:: Seriously?

Remus: ::rolls eyes:: No, I want a pink pony.

Sirius: ::seriously:: Really?! Wow! So do I!

Remus: I was joking.

James: ::wipes brow:: Thankfully. For a second there I thought you might be serious.

Sirius: Nah, I'm Sirius. ::points to himself::

But it wasn't.

Sirius: Of course not! I've been telling you guys, all this time, that it's a...

Snape: ::cast silencing charm::

Others: ::cheer::

MVTSMLM: That's all good and all, but who's going to read now?

Others: ::back away slowly::

Snape: ::groans. Takes silence charm off::

Sirius: YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!

MVTSMLM: That's better. ::disappears::

His heart gave a huge bound as he ripped back the paper and saw

James: Pictures of Hermione in the nude?

Lily: ::slaps him::

A sleek black leather case, with silver words stamped across it, reading Broomstick Servicing Kit.

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::drool::

James: Son, if you give your old, dead father one thing in his afterlife, describe your present in extreme detail! Please? ::was trying for puppy dog eyes, became deer-in-headlight eyes::

"Wow, Hermione!"

James/Lily/Narcissa/Tonks: ::wave Harry/Hermione flag::

Harry whispered, unzipping the case to look inside.

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::drool more::

There was a large jar of Fleetwood's High-Finish Handle Polish,

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::begin to jot this down.::

A pair of gleaming silver Tail-Twig Clippers,

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::write more::

A tiny brass compass to clip on your broom for long journeys,

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::could have written their own novels by now::

And a Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare.

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::still writing::

Apart from his friends, the thing that Harry missed most about Hogwarts was

Sirius: Ginny?

Quidditch,

Sirius: Damn, I was close.

Tonks: What on Earth does Ginny and Quidditch have in common?

Sirius: He thinks about her while he plays.

The most popular sport in the magical world--

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: AMEN!!!!!!!!

Highly dangerous,

Alice: That I can agree to!

Very exciting,

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::begin to hoot and holler::

And played on broomsticks.

Bella: WHY MUST YOU MUGGLIFY A GOOD BOOK?! ::cries::

Harry happened to be a very good Quidditch player;

James: ::on bended knees:: Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser...

He had been the youngest person in a century to be picked for one of the Hogwarts House teams.

Lily: Now I know nothing about Quidditch, but you have to admit, that is awesome!

James: ::on bended knees still:: Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser, Please be Chaser...

One of Harry's most prized possessions was his Nimbus Two Thousand racing broom.

James/Sirius/Frank/Lucius: ::haven now drooled so much they've put Dog!Sirius to shame::

Harry put the leather case aside and picked up his last parcel.

Sirius: GINNY!

Alice: Knew she'd come through!

He recognized the untidy scrawl on the brown paper at once:

Frank: Saving the best for last, I imagine.

This was from Hagrid,

All: ::shocked::

James: What--the--hell--is--Hagrid--doing sending my son a birhtday gift?!

Snape: Bloody oaf.

Narcissa: Don't open it, Harry. It just might bite you.

Lily: Come off it, you guys. I know Hagrid is a little...erm, wild, but he'd never send Harry anything dangerous on purpose!

Bella: Tell me, Mudblood, how well do you know Hagrid?
Lily: Well, I've had tea with him a time or two...

Sirius: Have you ever met any of his pets?!

Lily: Yes. Buckbeak was quite nice. You guys are over reacting a little too much.

The Hogwarts gamekeeper.

Lucius: Good. He's still the gamekeeper then. Imagine the horror if they promoted him any?

He tore off the top layer of paper and glimpsed something green and leathery,

James: ::starts shaking like mad::

Others: ::don't notice::

But before he could unwrap it properly, the parcel gave a strange quiver,

James: ::still shaking like crazy::

And whatever was inside it snapped loudly--

James: ::starts crying::

As though it had jaws.

James: ::jumps up suddenly:: ::runs to a corner, sits down in a fetal position.::

Narcissa: What was that about?!

Sirius: I--don't know.

Remus: ::eyes widen:: Sugar.

Sirius: ::eyes also widen:: Oh no!

Remus/Sirius: ::run towards James.::

Sirius: ::drop book::

Bella: That was--weird.

Snape: ::begin reading where Sirius left off::

Harry froze. He knew that Hagrid would never send him anything dangerous on purpose,

Lily: See, my son knows what he's talking about!

But then, Hagrid didn't have a normal person's view of what was dangerous.

Lucius: That, I think, anyone can agree to.

Hagrid had been known to befriend giant spiders,

Lily: Hey! Aragog was nice!

But vicious, three-headed dogs from men in pubs,

Frank: Never buy anything from someone in a pub.

And sneak illegal dragon eggs into his cabin.

James: ::screams like a girl:: ::begins to suck his thumb::

Harry poked the parcel nervously.

James: ::in tears:: Back away slowly, my son...The evil dragon cannot hurt you...Not yet...

Bella: ::raises eyebrow:: Potter is afraid of dragons?

Remus/Sirius: ::nod head::

Others: ::laugh crazy like::

James: ::still sucking his thumb::

It snapped loudly again.

Tonks: ::nervously:: Hagrid wouldn't really send Harry a dragon, would he?

James: ::hides under conviently placed table that wasn't there before.::

Harry reached for the lamp of his bedside table,

Snape: ::meanie!:: Ooh! Potter, look out! The dragon's going to eat your son!! Ooh!!!!!!

James: ::cries::

Gripped it firmly in one hand, and raised it over his head, ready to strike.

Lucius: Your son is stupid, Potter.

Remus: Stupid he may be, but brave.

James: ::shivers::

Then he seized the rest of the wrapping paper in his over hand and pulled.

James: ::stands up suddenly:: ::hits head on table::

Narcissa: ::to Lily:: I'm guessing Harry gets his sense and bravery from you, then?

Lily: ::smiles proudly::

And out fell--

James: DIE YOU EVIL DRAGONS YOU!!!!!!!! YOU SHALL NOT HARM MY SON!! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::swings a leg of the table around like a sword::

Others: ::back away from him::

Lily: All of Harry's rashness comes from James, of course.

A book.

Others: Huh?!

James: This is a plot of from the evil dragons, I just know it is!!!!!!!

Harry just had timeto register its handsome green cover , emblazoned with the golden title The Monster Book of Monsters, before it flipped onto its edge and scuttled sideways along the bed like some weird crab.

Frank: Crabs creep me out.

All: ::look at him::

Frank: Sorry. Random bit of randomness, for the author's sake. Pay me no mind.

"Uh-oh," Harry muttered.

James: If he gets hurt, I'm suing the evil dragons who sent him the book.

Snape: Dragons didn't send that to Harry, Hagrid did!

James: No. It just looked like Hagrid did. The dragons really did. ::starts shaking, not with fear, but craziness::

The book toppled off the bed with a loud clunk and shuffled rapidly across the room.

Bella: ::shakes Peter:: Um, guys, I think the fat one is dead.

Sirius: ::looks at Peter, then Bella.:: Nah. He's just a deep sleeper.

Tonks: ::pokes him with the stick James had:: He feels like Jello when you poke him.

::pokes him again.:: Hee Hee...this is fun!! ::begins to poke Peter with a stick::

Harry followed it stealthily.

Lucius: Ooh! Sneaky!Sneaky! Harry!

Narcissa: You know, for being a your son, Lily, he certainly has many Slytherinistic qualities.

Lily: ::points to James guiltily::

James: ::trying to find another stick to hunt down dragons with::

The book was hding in the dark space under his desk. Praying that the Dursleys were still fast asleep,

Lily: Fat chance, my son. Petunia is an extremely light sleeper. Trust me!

Harry got down on his hands and knees and reached towards it.

All: ::deep intake of breath::

"Ouch!"

James: That's it! I'm suing!

Remus: ::rolls eyes:: Wait until the books over, then you can sue them for more things.

James: That's a brillant idea! ::starts writing stuff down on parchment::

The book snapped shut on his hand and then flapped past him, still scuttling on its covers.

Girls: Poor, poor Harry!

Harry scrambled around, threw himself forward, and managed to flatten it.

Everyone: ::hold up a 'Go Harry!' banner::

Uncle Vernon gave a loud, sleepy grunt in the room next door.

Sirius: ::skeptical look:: Are you sure about that? I can think of a lot of other things that can come from the bedroom other than a grunt.

Lily: Sirius Lee Black, make one more sex joke, and I will hunt you down, rip out your spleen, and feed it to Dementors.

Sirius: ::runs away::

Hedwig and Errol watched interestedly as Harry clamped the struggling book tightly in his arms, hurried to his chest of drawers, and pulled out a belt, which he buckled tightly around it.

Lucius: You know, I bet it was absolutely hillarious to watch Harry wrestle a biting book.

James/Lily: ::very evil glare::

The Monster Book shuddered angrily, but could no longer flap and snap, so Harry threw it down on the bed and reached for Hagrid's card.

Alice: That's a daily workout, let me tell you!

Snape: Two pages and we are done with the chapter!

All: ::cheer::

Dear Harry,

Peter: ::begins to wake up:: Wa...

Tonks: @$*@&#$(*@&!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius/Bella/Narcissa: ::jaw drops::

Others: ::laugh::

Happy birthday!

Bella: ::as Hagrid:: I've sent you a man-eating book, 'Arry!

Narcissa: ::also as Hagrid:: And 'm sellin tickets to the whole school to watch the book win, 'Arry!

Lily: You guys are so mean.

Bella/Narcissa: We know.

Think you might find this useful for next year.

Peter: I'm lost: How is a biting book suppose to help him next year?

Others: ::look at each other::

Remus: ::scoffs:: You should have stayed awake like the rest of us.

Sirius: ::puts are around Peter:: ::whispers:: He doesn't know either. He just likes to feel important.

All: ::laugh::

Won't say no more here.

Lucius: ::begins to pull his gorgous blonde hair:: NO ONE KNOWS PROPER ENGLISH ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

Snape: Nah, that's just proper Hagrid dialect.

Tell you when I see you.

James/Bella: WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HAGRID MORE?! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!

Tonks: Please refrain from using all caps. It's making my head hurt.

James: Sorry.

Bella: Author's fault.

MVTSMLM: ::sends bolt of lightning on Bella:: ::misses:: Damnit!

Hope the Muggles are treating you right.

Snape: Second biggest understatement of the year.

All the best,

James: Would be, save the EVIL DRAGONS THAT ARE PLOTTING TO KILL HIM!!

MVTSMLM: ::sends bolt of lightning down on James:: ::misses:: Damnit, not again!

Frank: Would you like me to be the bearer of lightning strikes, ma'am? I'm a pretty good Chaser, meaning I have a good aim.

MVTSMLM: Sure! ::sends a bag of lightning to Frank::

Frank: ::hits James with bolt of lightning.:: Hee Hee!! This is fun!

Tonks: Not as fun poking Peter with a stick.

Peter: Is that why my side hurts so much?!

Hagrid

Frank: ::hits Bella with bolt of lightning::

Bella: OWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frank: ::hits her again::

Bella: WHY DID YOU DO THAT, YOU SON OF A BI---

Frank: ::hits her again:: Author told you to stop speaking in all caps.

Bella: But...

It struck Harry as ominous that Hagrid thought a biting book would come in useful,

All: Us too, Harry!

But he put Hagrid's card up next to Ron's and Hermione's, grinning more broadly than ever.

Lily: ::begins crying:: My son is happy!

Snape: First time for everything.

Frank: ::hits Snape with a lightning bolt:: That was rude. You shouldn't be rude.

Now there was only the letter from Hogwarts left.

James: ::hair is frizzy with lightning::

Bella: ::coughing smoke::

Snape: ::the grease in his hair contridiced with the lightning, so his hair is, ::gasp:: clean!!!!!!::

Snape fangirls: ::begin to kill each other over the new, hotter Snape::

Noticing tbat it was rather thicker than usual, Harry slit open the envelope, pulled out the first page of parchment within, and read:

Peter: Still a thrill a minute book, isn't it?

Alice: You slept through the interesting parts.

Peter: Aw man!

Dear Mr. Potter,

James: Hey! He's reading my mail!

Lily: James, he's your son. Of course he has the same last name as you do.

James: I knew that, it just seems so different...reading Dear Mr. Potter, and it not being addressed to me or Dad, that's all.

Lily: ::rolls eye::

James: Which makes me think of something else, too. Where are my parents? Or my brother?

All: ::exchange a look::

Tonks: Um, it did say the Durlseys were his only living family.

Narcissa: And they are from Lily's side of the family.

Lucius: Oh stop sugar-coating it for him! Potter, your family is dead. I mean, it's pretty obvious, they were a disgrace to the name of purebloods! No duh some Death Eaters are probably going to kill them.

Remus: ::under his breath:: Probably you, you bastard.

James: I guess that's that, then. ::sniffs:: I kinda knew it already, it just brings it home a little, you know? I mean, I wasn't upset when they said I was dead,

Sirius: I was!

James: But the idea that my entire family, save Harry, is gone...It's just... Never mind.

All minus Snape, Lucius, and Bella: ::tears forming in eyes:: ::hug James::

James: Thanks you guys. Means a lot to me.

Snape: You, ah, want me to keep reading?

James: Duh! We've still twenty one chapters left!

Remus: ::turns to the readers:: Sorry about that. Author felt the need for some aghast.

Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first.

Frank: Nothing ever changes in the school letter.

The Hogwarts Express will leave from King's Cross station, platform nine and three-quarters, at eleven o'clock.

Frank: I rest my case.

Peter: I just thought of something...

Snape: First time for everything.

Peter: How did people get to Hogwarts before trains were invented?

Remus/Lily: ::open mouth::

MVTSMLM: Zap them, Frankie!

Frank: ::zaps them::

Remus/Lily: ::burn, baby burn::

Third years are permitted to visit the village of Hogsmeade on certain weekends.

Marauders: ::heavy sigh::

Sirius: Hogsmeade!

James: Our favorite place!

Maraduers: ::dreamy sigh::

Please give the enclosed permission form to your parents or guardian to sign.

Lily: Oh no!

James: What?

Remus: Don't you get it, James? Harry won't get to go!

James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frank: ::ready to zap::

MVTSMLM: Don't. Not this time, anyways.

A list of books for next year is enclosed.

James: ::still:: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MVTSMLM: Okay, zap him anyway. He's annoying me!

Lily: Can I borrow the zapping power sometime, Mysterious Author Lady Ma'am?

MVTSMLM: Sure. ::grants Lily mysterious zapping powers::

Your sincerely, Professor M. McGonagall

Peter: Oh please!

Sirius: Really! M. McGonagall!! Pulez!

James: It's not like we all didn't already know your name was Minnie!

Alice: It is?
Marauders: Duh! Would we lie?

Others: Yes.

Remus: Well, we aren't!

Deputy Headmistress

Sirius: ::wipes sweat off forehead:: Thank God!

Others: What?

Sirius: She's still just the Deputy. Imagine if she was Headmistress?

Lucius: The horror!

Bella: The shame!

Snape: One page left, you guys!

All: ::cheer::

MVTSMLM: Thank God...I was getting tired of typing!

Harry pulled out the Hogsmeade permission form and looked at it, no longer grinning.

Lily: My poor baby! Why must you take away every small happiness he gets?!

MVTSMLM: Don't complain to me! Complain to JKR.

All: Who?

MVTSMLM: Never mind.

It would be wonderful to visit Hogsmeade on weekends;

Sirius: Or more, if you know things! ::winks::

He knew it was an entirely wizarding village, and he had never set foor there.

Peter: Maybe he's not as much like you like we thought, James!

Lily: My baby follows the rules! I'm so proud! ::cries::

But how on earth was he going to persuade Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia to sign the form?

Snape: Forge their signatures!

Bella: Use an Unforgivable Curse!

Sirius: Threaten to turn them into pigs!

James: Really turn them into pigs!

Frank: Whack them over the head with your broom!

Lily: Zap them with special-effects happy powers from the author!

He looked over at the alarm clock. It was now two o'clock in the morning.

James/Lily: GO TO BED NOW, YOUNG MAN!

MVTSMLM: Don't zap them.

Frank: Awww....Your taking away my fun!

Deciding that he'd worry about he Hogsmeade form when he woke up, Harry got back into bed

Narcissa: Best idea he's had all night.

And reached up to cross off another day on the chart he'd made for himself, counting down the days left until his return to Hogwarts.

Snape: Really wants to get back to school, doesn't he?

Lily: Do you blame him?

Then he took off his glasses and lay down, eyes open,

James: It's best you don't sleep in your glasses, trust me. They hurt when you wake up.

Facing his three birthday cards.

Tonks: I wanna make him one!

Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment Harry Potter felt just like everyone else---glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday.

All: Awww!!

Snape: Chapter's done! ::bookmarks it::

Peter: That was a good chapter!

Sirius: How do you know, you slept through most of it!

Peter: And what a good nap it was!

Everyone: ::hits Peter with pillows::