A MST of a Different Kind

A MST of a Different Kind

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, Alice Knowles(Longbottom), Frank Longbottom, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black, Bellatix Black, Severus Snape, and tiny little Nymphadora Tonks all received a letter that day. The letter told them all to be in a certain room on the seventh floor of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, or else. Fearful, (or just plain curious) all of them showed up. This room is known as the Room of Requirement, and unknown to all whom showed up, there was already a figure standing in the room.

Me: Hello All! ::Waves cheerfully::

Snape/Bella/Narcissa/Lucius: Oh God! ::Tries to run out but realizes the door has locked them all in::

Me: You really didn't think you were getting out that easy, did ya? ::winks::

Sirius: That would be wishful thinking, wouldn't?

James: What are you trying to do, kill us all by locking us in a room together?

Me: Oh no, you can't kill each other. I have charms that will stop you. I'm here to save you.

Lily: Save us?! How? It's bad enough being here with Potter and his stuck up friends, but locking us here with Death Eaters is basically signing a death warrant!

Tonks: I resent that statement...

Sirius/Bella/Narcissa: Nymphadora, what are you doing here?

Me: Precious little dear, isn't she? She's here for the same reason all of you are here! To read a book.

Frank: Read a book? ::Stares:: Can't be that bad, can it?

Everyone Else: Oh yes it can!

Me: But this is a special book! It reveals your future!

Narcissa: Just in case you were wondering, I don't believe in Divinations.

Me: That's a shame, it is. Unfortunately, you don't have a choice. Good day all! ::Apparates out::

Alice: You can't Apparate in or out of Hogwarts!

Mysterious Voice That Sound Mysteriously Like Me: I can!

Remus: ::Sits on the floor, picks up the book I left::

Peter: Ah, Remus, what are you doing?

Remus: Reading the book. I suggest you all sit down as well. It's obvious she's not going to let us out until we do.

EVERYONE ELSE: ::sits down reluctantly::

Remus: I'll began, shall I? Chapter One: Owl Post

Harry Potter

Lily: Potter? We have to read a book about Potter?

Snape: Surprisingly, Mudblood, I agree. We have to read a book about Potter?

James: Does my name look like Harry to you?

Alice: Come on, you guys, let's just read the book already...

Was a highly unusual boy in many ways.

Lucius: That I can agree to!

Bad Guys: ::laugh::

For one thing, he hated the summer holidays more than any other time of year.

Tonk/Sirius/Remus/Alice/Frank/Peter/Bella/Narcissa/Lucius/

James: Freak!

Lily/Snape: ::in a low voice:: Can't blame him...

For another, he really wanted to do his homework

Alice/Lily/Remus: What's wrong with that? Nothing wrong with that...

Narcissa: Not all of us are bookworm freaks like you three...

But was forced to do it in secret, in the dead of night.

Sirius: That's weird. Most people are forced to do their homework in front of their parents, to make sure they aren't cheating...

Bella: Speaking from experience, Siri?

Sirius: But of course, Bella! You know how Mother can be! But I would never cheat.

Remus: ::coughing:: Yeah right! You couldn't pass if it wasn't for me!

Sirius: Hem Hem, Remus, I thought we weren't going to mention that little fact?

Others: ::laugh::

And he also happened to be a wizard.

Lucius: Oh don't tell me! It's a Muggle book!

Mysterious Voice That Sounds Mysteriously Like Me: Hell yes, Lucius! Got a problem with it?

Snape: Yes, actually, we do!

Bella: We refuse to read a Muggle book!

Mysterious Voice That Sounds Mysteriously Like Me (MVTSMLM from now on): Too damn bad!

It was nearly midnight,

Narcissa: Ah! The witching hour!

And he was lying on his stomach in bed, the blankets drawn over him like a tent,

Peter: Boring!

Remus: Shush! I'm interested in this!

James: Your interested in every book, Remus!

Tonks: ::quietly:: Actually, I'm interested in it too...

Remus: Ha! Come here, 'Dora, you can sit by me!

Tonks: Actually, I'd prefer it if you called me Tonks...::Sits in Remus' lap::

Bella: Why? Do you like being called after your Mudblood father?

Tonks: ::is upset but does not show it::

A flashlight

Sirius: A what?

Lily: A flashlight: A muggle's form of the Lumos Spell. Honestly, everyone in here ought to have taken a Muggle Studies class...

In one hand and a large, leather-bound book (A History of Magic by Bathilida Bagshot)

Narcissa: You do realize we have that exact same textbook now, don't you?

Lucius: Really? They did when I was in school too.

Frank: I doubt if Professor Binns ever changes books...

Alice: It does seem like it, doesn't it?

Sirius: I wonder how far into the future this book goes...Hey, James, this kid could be your son!

Snape: Oh, the horror! Another Potter at Hogwarts! The shame!

James: Shut it, Snape!

Lily: If that is so, I wonder who the mother is?

Peter: You or Alice, obviously. James wouldn't have even bother to do his homework, much less at night.

Lily/Alice: ::in disgust::

Bella: Unless Mr. Lupin here changed sex on us, it would seem that his eagerness to do his homework would come from one of you.

Remus: Moving swiftly along...

Tonks: ::giggles::

Propped up against the pillow. Harry

Lily: I like the name Harry! ::everyone stares:: Did I just say that aloud?

Alice: So? I like the name Neville...

Narcissa: I've always been rather partial to Draco myself...

Sirius: Hem hem! I'd like to get out of here sometime this month, ladies!

Girls minus Bella and Tonks: Oh! Right! Continue!

Moved the tip of his eagle-feather quill

Frank: Those are rather nice quills, aren't they?

Lucius: I have a few myself, actually...

Sirius: ::stares::

Frank/Lucius: Oh! Sorry!

Down the page, frowning as he looked for something that would help him write his essay, "Witch Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless--Discuss."

Narcissa: Assigns the same homework, too...

Lily: That's easy! Witch burning was pointless because...Oh, never mind! Continue Remus!

James: How come you call him Remus but you call me Potter? I'm sensing friction here...

Lily: Because Remus is a Prefect! And he's a sweetie! ::kisses Remus on the cheek:: Unlike you!

James: ::Cries:: One day, Lily Evans, you'll fall in love with me!

Lily: NEVER!! ::runs to the other side of the room.::

Lucius: ::laughs:: Do all girls treat you like this Potter?

James: ::in shock::

The quill paused at the top of a likely looking paragraph. Harry pushed his round glasses

Everyone: ::stares at James:: ::laughs::

James:: ::cries::

Up the bridge of his nose, moved his flashlight closer to the book, and read:

Bella: Do you have to read this, Lupin? We've already done the same homework and read the same book...

Tonks: I haven't.

Bella: That is not my problem, you filthy half blood!

::silence::

Remus: That was completely uncalled for! Apologize to her!

Bella: ::shocked:: Your telling me what to do?

Remus: Damn right I am!

Bella: ::silent::

Remus: Do it now, or I'm going to destroy this book, then we will never get out of here, will we, Bella? ::eyes are narrowed dangerously::

Bella: ::still in shock:: I'm...sorry?

Tonks: It's alright, Auntie Bella. ::Smiles cheerfully before she hugs Remus::

Remus: I'm going to skip it, anyway, though. Don't worry, Tonks, I'll show you my textbook when we get out of here and you can read it. ::smiles, then skips the next part::

Harry put his quill between his teeth

Alice: UG! Don't do that! That's horrible for your teeth!

Frank: What, put your quill in your teeth? I do it all the time! And my teeth are perfectly straight!

Lily: Straight they may be, but I'm willing to bet Galleons that you charmed them that way!

Frank: ::shocked::

And reached underneath his pillow for his ink bottle

Snape: That's a horrible place to keep an ink bottle. What if it spilled? You'd have ink all over your pillow!

Sirius: That...surprisingly makes sense.

And a roll of parchment. Slowly and very carefully he unscrewed the ink bottle, dipped his quill into it, and began to write, pausing every now and then to listen,

Narcissa: A bit obsessive, this Potter is.

Lucius: Wonder why he doesn't want to get caught doing his homework?

Peter: No clue. Maybe if we read we'll find out.

Because if any of the Dursleys heard

James: Dursley? I thought he was a Potter!

Bella: Maybe his parents disowned him over his freakiness and the Dursleys were the only ones who would take him in.

Lily: Actually, now that you mention it, the name Dursley does sound familiar...

The scratching of his quill on their way to the bathroom, he'd probably find himself locked in the cupboard under the stairs for the rest of the summer.

Marauders/Lily/Alice/Frank/Tonks: Poor Kid!

Snape: ::under his breath:: Poor kid indeed...

Bella: Sounds like fun! Maybe I'll tell Auntie to do that to you next time you misbehave, Sirius! ::laughs evilly::

The Dursley family of number four, Privet Drive, was the reason that Harry never enjoyed his summer holiday.

Peter: See, he's not a freak, he has a reason!

Uncle Vernon,

Lily: I know a Vernon Dursley, somewhere...I just can't think...

Aunt Petunia,

Alice: Lily, isn't your sister's name Petunia?

Lily: Ya...

And their son, Dudley

All: Dudley! ::laugh::

Were Harry's only living relatives.

Tonks: Awe...Poor kid... I wonder what happen to his Mum and Dad?

They were Muggles,

Lucius/Bella/Narcissa/Snape: Ugh! He's forgiven then!

And they had a very medieval attitude towards magic.

Lucius/Bella/Narcissa/Snape: How horrid!

Bella: No proper wizard should be treated as such!

Lucius/Bella/Narcissa/Snape: DOWN WITH MUGGLES! SAVE THE PURE WIZARDING LINAGE! THIS BOY IS PROOF! SAVE THE WIZARDS! KILL THE MUGGLES!

Lily: Will they ever shut up?

Remus: Probably not...

Harry's dead parents,

Tonks: Poor kid...Poor, poor kid...

Who had been a witch and wizard themselves,

Bad Guys: DOWN WITH MUGGLES! SAVE THE PUREBLOOD LINAGE!

Were never mentioned under the Dursley's roof.

Bad Guys: KILL THE MUGGLES! SAVE THE WIZARDS!

MVTSMLM: ALL RIGHT! We get the picture! Shut your mouths!

Lily: Not all Muggles are bad, you know...

Bad Guys: ::look disgusted::

For years, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon hoped that if they kept Harry as downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him.

Narcissa: That's inhumane! Squashing the magic out of someone!

Bella: Maybe we ought to try it on Sirius, he's always wanted to be a Muggle, haven't you, Siri?

Sirius: Shove it, Bella.

Bella: Aw, did I hurt little Siri's feelings?

James: That's enough, Bellatrix!

Bella: Oh, go screw yourself, Potter!

Peter: Don't insult James! ::Stands up::

Remus: Or Sirius! ::Stands up as well::

MVTSMLM: Hey! No fighting down there!

Everyone: ::Sits down, angrily::

To their fury, they had been unsuccessful.

Lily: Thankfully!

These days they lived in terror

Bad Guys: YAY!

Of anyone finding out that Harry had spent most of the last two years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Frank: Ah, so he's a third year now.

Sirius: That means Hogsmeade, baby!

The most they could do, however, was to lock away Harry's spellbooks, wand, cauldron, and broomstick at the start of summer break,

James/Lucius/Sirius: Yay! Broomstick!

Sirius: Wonder if he plays Quidditch?

James: If he's my son, he'll have to!

And forbid him to talk to the neighbors.

Narcissa: Oh, what a pity! He can't talk to Muggles!

Bella: Oh tear tear!

Lily: ::to Alice:: They are really, really getting on my nerves!

This separation from his spellbooks had been a real problem for Harry, because his teachers at Hogwarts has given him a lot of holiday work.

Frank: They always do.

Tonks: Why doesn't he just tell his teacher that? I'm sure the teacher would let him off if he told her that his relatives locked away his books.

One of the essays, a particularly nasty one about shrinking potions,

Snape: Oh please! That's so easy! I could do it in my sleep!

James: ::scorns:: Not all of us are as gifted as you, Snape, in Potions.

Snape: I know! ::grins::

Was for Harry's least favorite teacher,

Lucius: McGonagall.

Sirius: Flitwick.

Alice: Sprout.

Narcissa: Hey! I know! Binns!

Professor Snape,

Snape: ::in shock::

Remus: Professor? Snape?

Lucius: This is the biggest joke I've ever heard...

Snape: ::still in shock::

Lily: I wonder what you teach, Serverus...

Bella: Isn't it obvious? Potions, of course.

James: My worst fear has come true...Snape is teaching.

Peter: RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, HARRY!
Sirius: I second that! No wonder the kid is so screwed... Snape as a teacher...It's enough to give anyone brain damage!

Tonks: ::shiver::

Who would have been delighted to have an excuse to give Harry detention for a month.

Sirius: A little harsh, are you, Snivellus?

Snape: He must be a Gryffindor. Either that or he really is Potter's kid.

James: God bless you, Harry!

Remus: You know, I really am surprised. So far, only one of us has been mentioned, and this is supposed to be about our future.

Lily: Keep your mouth shut, Remus, or you might be condemned to some other worse fate...

Bella: Maybe they made you a teacher as well.

Lucius: Professor Lupin...Sounds almost as wrong as Professor Snape.

Tonks: I think it's fitting, for both of them.

Alice: I agree. I could so see both of them teaching.

Frank: Yeah, maybe, but the real question is: Would they be able to live working next to each other?

Harry had therefore seized his chance in the first week of the holidays. While Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley had gone out into the front garden to admire Uncle Vernon's new company car

All except for Lily: What's a car?

Lily: ::sigh:: It's a muggle form of transportation. Like Floo only not as fast. ::sighs again:: All of you should take Muggle Studies, really...

Narcissa: Why on Earth would we want to take Muggle Studies?

Lily: ::sighs:: Never mind...

(in loud voices, so that the rest of the street would notice it too.)

Peter: A bit conceded, aren't they?

James: Certainly seems that way, doesn't it?

Alice: Really! Locking a child in a broom cupboard! No wonder he has problems!

Bella: Oh, I don't know...It's sounds like fun to me...

Sirius: Yes, but you are also sick and twisted, aren't you, Bella?

Harry crept downstairs, picked the lock on the cupboard under the stairs, grabbed some of his books, and hidden them in his bedroom.

Sirius: Looks as though your son's taking over the family business, aye Prongs?

Marauders: ::laugh::

Everyone else: ::stares::

As long as he didn't leave spots of ink on the sheets, the Dursleys need never know that he was studying magic by night.

Remus: Ah! It all makes sense!

Lily: I really am sorry for this kid...

Snape: ::under his breath:: So am I.

Lucius: You know, if he didn't want to get ink on the sheets, he shouldn't do his work on his bed.

Sirius: Well, where else is he suppose to do it? The kitchen table?

Harry was particularly keen to avoid trouble with his aunt and uncle at the moment, as they were already in an especially bad mood with him,

Alice: Jesus, give the kid a break, will ya? All he's trying to do is his homework and here you are, his aunt and uncle, giving him hell to deal with! Honestly!

Others: ::stare::

Frank: Calm down, Allie...

Lily: Don't tell her to calm down! She exactly right! What did that poor child ever do to them for them to treat him like that! He's precious!

Sirius: ::jokingly:: Got a crush on ickle Harrykens, do we, Lily?

Lily/Alice: Shut your hole, Sirius!

All because he received a telephone call from a fellow wizard one week into the school vacation.

Lily: Just so you know, a telephone is a Muggle form of communication.

Snape: What the hell is a fellow wizard doing with a fellytone?

Lily: Telephone, Snape, tele...Oh, never mind!

Ron Weasley,

Bella: Ah, that explains it!

Narcissa: I've met a Weasley once...Didn't he have red hair?

Sirius: There's a first year named Bill Weasley. Maybe it's his son?

Lucius: ::sighs:: The Weasleys are a disgrace to the Wizarding world! They are dirt poor and Muggle loving fools! ::looks around:: Then again, sounds sort of like you, doesn't it, Lupin?

Tonks: ::jumps up, surprising everyone:: Don't insult Remus! ::slaps Lucius::

Lucius: ::is in shock::

Tonks: ::jumps back in Remus' arms. Everyone else is still shocked::

Lucius: ::under his breath:: You'll pay for that one, half-blood!

Who was one of Harry's best friends at Hogwarts,

Snape: Okay, my respect for this kid just dropped a few points,

Came from a whole family of wizards.

Bella: If you could call the Weasleys' wizards!

This meant that he knew a lot of things Harry didn't,

Alice/Lily: What? Are you calling the kid stupid too?

But had never used a telephone before. Most unluckily, it had been Uncle Vernon who had answered the call.

Lily: Damnit! The kid doesn't deserve this!

Narcissa: No, I will admit, no child deserves this.

Alice: Amen!

"Vernon Dursley speaking."

Peter: No, really? We thought it was your wife...

Harry, who happened to be in the room at the time, froze as he heard Ron's voice answer.

Tonks/Lily: Oh No!

"HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I--WANT--TO--TALK--TO--HARRY--POTTER!"

Bella: Definitely your kid, Potter. Only a Potter would be stupid enough to have a friend like that.

Lily: ::growing angry:: Don't insult Harry!

Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.

Sirius: I bet that was interesting to see.

"WHO IS THIS?" He roared in the direction of the mouthpiece. "WHO ARE YOU?"

James: The British Department of Child Services. You're under arrest for child abuse.

Others: ::laugh::

"RON--WEASLEY!"

Peter: Or him.

Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of a football field.

Lily: Don't bother asking: Football is a Muggle's equivalent to Quidditch.

Frank: Then why didn't it just say Quidditch field?

Lily: ::angry:: BECAUSE IT'S A MUGGLE BOOK!! ::goes and sits in a corner near Remus::

"I'M--A--FRIEND--OF--HARRY'S--FROM--SCHOOL--"

Lucius: The idiot.

Bella: Who? Harry or Weasley?

Lucius: The Weasley. Can't he see he's getting his friend in trouble?

Snape: Idiots...If there is something I hate more than Muggles and Mudbloods, it's idiots.

Narcissa: The Weasleys must have their own brand of idiocy.

Alice: Are you guys always so mean and rude?

Bad Guys: ::quickly, without thought:: Yes.

Alice: Jeez...Sorry I asked!

Uncle Vernon's small eyes swiveled around to Harry, who was rooted to the spot.

Sirius: HE'S GONNA BLOW!!

Everyone: ::dunks::

"THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!"

Tonks: Oh really? Then who's the kid next to you?

Remus: Nice one, Tonks!

Tonks: ::blushes::

He roared, now holding the receiver at arm's length, as though frightened it might explode.

Sirius: You never know...

James: If it is my son...

Remus: It just might explode...

James: You know, that makes me think of something. If this kid, Harry, let's say he is my son...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU THREE?

Remus: ::winces::

Peter: ::also winces::

Sirius: ::in a matter of face way:: In Azkaban.

James: Wha...

Sirius: That's the title of the book, isn't it? ::holds books up:: Prisoner of Azkaban... Obviously we're all in Azkaban.

James: ...Why?

::at the same time::

Lucius: Muggle baiting.

Bella: Muggle killing. ::grins::

Narcissa: Being too damn sexy to be alive?

Snape: Obviously, I'm teaching, so I'm not in Azkaban...

Lily: Being too smart?

Alice: Hey! You stole mine...Oh well, maybe we went in for the same thing...

Frank: Too much Quidditch?

Remus: Azkaban or Teaching...Hmm, must think on this...

Tonks: I'll still be in school, won't I?

Peter: Ah...

Sirius: Misusing Muggle Artifacts?

James: You know, I'm sorry I asked...

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOUR TALKING ABOUT!

Sirius: What? Never heard of Hogwarts?

Peter: I don't think he's heard of 'school' at all.

NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN!

Lucius: Don't worry: We will. I'll be sure to hunt you down specifically. ::smiles evilly::

DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!"

Lily: Awfully protective, isn't he?

Alice: Except to Harry.

Remus: With good reason. Lucius is going to hunt him down and kill him. I'd be protective of my family, too.

Lucius: ::evil smile::

And he threw the receiver back onto the telephone as if dropping a poisonous spider.

Sirius: Wicked! Do all fellytones turn into spiders?

Lily: Sirius...IT'S AN EXPRESSION!!

James: That would be an excellent prank, though. Turning felltones to spiders.

Bella: It would also be fun Muggle baiting!

The fight that followed had been one of the worst ever.

Lily: Hex him, Harry!

Snape: What? And get expelled?

Frank: For him, it's almost worth it...

"HOW DARE YOU GIVE THIS NUMBER

Bella: Back to speaking in all caps? And here I thought we'd moved passed that stage...

TO PEOPLE LIKE--PEOPLE LIKE YOU!"

::silence for a second.::

Sirius: Hex him, Harry. Hex him...for all of us.

All: ::nod head in agreement::

Snape: For the wizarding world in general...

All: Hear hear!

Uncle Vernon had roared, spraying Harry with spit.

Narcissa: EWWW!!! How gross! Yuck! That alone is worth a good hexing...How do Muggles live? Eww, eww, eww...

Ron obviously realized that he'd gotten Harry into trouble,

Lucius: Realizing that now isn't doing him a bit of good, is it, Muggle lover?

Because he hadn't called again.

Narcissa: Thankfully! Or else Harry would be getting sprayed with spit again!

Harry's other best friend from Hogwarts, Hermione Granger,

Tonks: Awww!!! Harry's got a girlfriend!

Girls: AWWW!!! ::sigh happily::

Hadn't been in touch either.

Frank: Isn't a good girlfriend, then.

Harry suspected that Ron had warned Hermione not to call, which was a pity,

Lily: ::with hearts in her eyes:: Because he missed her so terribly!

Because Hermione,

Lucius: Was out Muggle baiting?

James: Didn't like him at all?

Sirius: Was enchanting a motorcycle?

Bella: Told them all to shut their holes and let us get through with the book sometime today? ::eyes glaring::

The cleverest witch in Harry's year,

Lily: That's my daughter!

Alice: Or mine!

Sirius: Or a Female!Remus?

Remus: ::slaps Sirius::

Had Muggle parents,

Bella/Narcissa/Snape: ::silent::

Lucius: My respect for Harry has just dropped. A lot.

Knew perfectly well how to use a telephone,

Lily: As any respectable Muggleborn should.

And would probably have had enough sense not to say she went to Hogwarts.

Tonks: I think he just insulted Ron.

Frank: Does seem that way, doesn't it?

So Harry had no word from any of his wizarding friends for five long weeks, and this summer was turning out to be almost as bad as the last one.

Peter: What? Did Ron call once a week? ::laughs::

There was just one very small improvement--

James: He got to make fun of Dudley's name?

After swearing that he wouldn't use her to send letters to any of his friends, Harry had been allowed to let his owl, Hedwig,

Lily: That's a nice name for an owl.

Out at night.

All: ::silent::

Lucius: Okay, I now have no respect whatsoever for this kid. The freak...

Peter: Oh, I don't know. He has a point.

Narcissa: Like what?

Peter: Have you ever been locked in with a cooped up bird? It's not a happy site, let me tell ya...

Uncle Vernon had given in because of all the racket Hedwig made if she was locked in her cage all the time.

Peter: See what I mean?

Harry finished writing about Wendelin the Weird

Sirius: She wasn't that weird. I thought she was cool.

Bad Guys: ::stare::

James: Only you, Siri, only you...

And paused to listen again. The silence in the dark house was broken only by the distant, grunting snores of his enormous cousin, Dudley.

Remus: Knew a Dudley couldn't be skinny...

Bella: Neither can a Peter...

Alice: Hey! Be nice to Pete!

Snape: Or an Alice...

Frank: I'd shut it if I were you!

Lucius: Oh, Longbottom, got a crush on Knowles, do you?

Frank: Maybe I do! It's none of your damn business! ::sits down beside Alice.::

It must be very late, Harry thought. His eyes were itching with tiredness.

Narcissa: Go to bed, then!

Perhaps he'd finish his essay tomorrow night...

Tonks: Best idea he's had all night.

He replaced the top of the ink bottle; pulled an old pillowcase from under his bed; put the flashlight, A History of Magic, his essay, quill, and ink inside it; got out of bed; and hid the lot under a loose floorboard under his bed.

Lily: Oh! Clever hiding spot, Harry!

Lucius: You know, I don't like this kid at all, but you must admit, he is very cunning...

James: ::on bended knees:: Please don't be in Slytherin. Please don't be in Slytherin. Please don't be in Slytherin...::continues for a good few minutes::

Then he stood up, stretched, and checked the time on the luminous alarm clock on his beside table.

Tonks: ::yawns:: Sorry 'bout that.

It was one o'clock in the morning. Harry's stomach gave a funny jolt. He had been thirteen years old, without realizing it, for a whole hour.

Good Guys: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HARRY!!

Snape: Oh please, the kid can't even remember his own birthday! How hopeless is he!

Yet another unusal thing about Harry was how little he looked forward to his birthdays.

Alice: Can you really blame him? He's been abused all his life!

He had never received a birthday card in his life.

Lily: First thing I'm gonna do once we get out of here: Make Harry a Birthday card.

The Dursleys had completely ignored his last two birthdays, and he had no reason to suppose they would remember this one.

Narcissa: I don't care how horrid this kid is, he's abused! He needs a good mother figure!

Girls: Really!!

Narcissa: Unless something really horid happens to me, I'm going to look after him!

Lily: If something happens to Narcissa, I volunteer to take Harry in with me.

Alice: If anything happens to Lily or Narcissa, I'm taking in Harry.

Tonks: Well, I probably wouldn't be old enough to look after him...

Bella: Screw it! I'll take him in! Teach him to be a Muggle loving fool... Ha! I'll raise him properly as any respectable pureblood should be raised!

Harry walked across the dark room, past Hedwig's large, empty cage, to the open window.

Peter: He's gonna jump!

He leaned on the sill, the cool night air pleasant on his face after a long time under the blankets. Hedwig had been absent for two nights now.

James: Ah...He misses his owl!

Remus: Watch the inter-species flirting, kid.

Harry wasn't worried about her:

Sirius: Should be. Who knows what kind of trouble an owl can cause on its own?

She'd been gone this long before. But he hoped she'd be back soon--

Lucius: He missed her so terribly!

Snape: I really am worring about this child...

Sirius: It's all because of you, Snivellus. Any kid who had to deal with you teaching him would be mentally subnormal.

She was the only living creature in this house who didn't flinch at the sight of him.

Lucius: Jesus, Potter, is your son that ugly?

Girls: Aw...The poor, poor, mentally abused child!

Frank: Will they ever shut up?

Girl: WE LOVE YOU, HARRY!

Frank: I guess not.

Harry, though still rather small and skinny for his age,

Lily: They don't feed him enough, either...

had grown a few inches over the last year.

Sirius: Definitely your son, Prongs. You've always been small and skinny.

James: Thanks Sirius, we really needed you to point that out.

His jet-black hair,

Everyone: ::stare at James::

However, was just as it always had been--

Remus: Unnaturally messy?

James: ::smacks Remus::

Stubbornly untidy, whatever he did to it.

Snape: Has to be your son, Potter. Absolutely has to be.

James: Oh really? Then where am I, thank you very much?

Tonks: ::in a low voice:: It did say his dead parents...

James: Are you impling that I'm dead?

Lily: Well, it is possible. You are only human, James, no matter what your ego says.

James: ::angerly sits in a corner away from everyone::

The eyes behind his glasses

Everyone: ::stare at James::

James: ::nervously:: Does look like me, doesn't he?

Everyone: ::nods heads::

Were bright green,

Good guys: ::stare at Lily::

Bad guys: ::still staring at James::

And on his forehead, clearly visible through his hair, was a thin scar, shaped like a lightning bolt.

Narcissa: ::jumps up:: Now they're cutting him!

Alice: The monsters!

Lily: I swear, I'll kill them...I'll ring their necks...

Bella: I wonder why it's the shape of a lightning bolt?

Lily: Who cares? The sick, sick bastards...

Of all the unusal things about Harry, this scar was the most extrodinary of all. It was not, as the Dursleys had pretended for years, a souvenir of the car crash that had killed Harry's parents,

James: ::laughs:: Not mine then! I don't plan on owning a car, thank you very much! (Whatever a car is, I mean)

Because Lily

Others: ::silent shock::

Girls: ::giggle::

Lily: There has to be some mistake... No way in HELL would I marry James.

And James Potter

Snape: He's yours, Potter.

Sirius: You ought to be happy, James, you and Lily tie the knot! And have a son! ::thinks about it for a moment:: Wow! I could be the godfather!

Lily: There has got to be some sort of mistake. I would never marry James! I hate his guts!

James: This is proof, then, Lily, you really do love me!

Lily: Maybe I married you out of pity..

James: Hey!

Others: ::laugh::

Alice: This explains the green eyes.

James: Okay, now for the real question: SIRIUS, PETER, REMUS, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS AND WHY HAVE NONE OF YOU TAKEN CARE OF MY SON? SIRIUS DON'T YOU DARE SAY AZKABAN OR I'LL KILL YOU!!

Remus: ::wince::

Peter: ::hides::

Sirius: I'm sure theres a resenable explaination for this...

James: Why you...

Tonks: ::pulls James' sleve:: Maybe if we read the book, we'll find out.

Others: ::nervously sit down::

Had not died in a car crash.

James: ::sarcastically:: Yippee. I'm jumping with joy here.

They had been murdered,

James/Lily: ::jaw drop::

Alice: ::stuttering:: B-but w-who c-could...who w-would...

Sirius: I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!! ::starts crying on James' shoulder::

Bella: Get a grip on yourselves!

Narcissa: Bella, shush. Let them cry. It's what I would do if I found out you were going to die.

Snape: Though perhaps not so publicly humilating...

Murdered by

Lucius: Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Black?

James/Lily: ::shoot Malfoy a very evil look::

Alice: ::starts sobbing:: No...You can't die! You can't!!

The most feared Dark wizard for a hundred years,

Lucius: Yeah, I know I am!

Lord Voldemort.

Everyone: ::flinch::

Sirius/Alice: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::cry some more::

Remus: ::teary eyed::

Peter: ::sniffs::

Harry had escaped from the same attack

Lily: How?

With nothing more than a scar on his head, where Voldemort's curse, instead of killing him, had rebounded upon its originator.

Everyone: ::shock. They are silent for a few minutes::

Bella: Bull shit. That's what this is. Bull shit. No way could this happen.

Remus: ::stuttering:: No one's e-ever survived a killing curse!

Frank: You never know, maybe James or Lily had but some sort of protection spell on Harry, to keep him save. Voldemort must of tried to kill Harry, and it rebound.

Lily: B-but why would be want to kill my son? My...::silent for a moment:: son...::cries:: My baby! ::puts head in hand::

Narcissa: ::puts arm around Lily and Alice:: ::Bella watches with disgust.::

Barely alive, Voldemort had fled...

Tonks: So he's not dead, just injured?

Remus: Seems that way, doesn't it? ::quiet for a minute:: Oh hell! James! Lily! ::starts crying as well::

But Harry had come face-to-face with him at Hogwarts.

Bella: Bulll-shittt....

Remembering their lst meeting as he stood at the dark window, Harry had to admit he was lucky even to reach his thirteenth birthday.

Lily: MY BABY!! ::sobs::

Snape: ::under his breath:: Poor Harry...

James: MY POOR SON!! ::hugs Lily::

Lily: ::hugs back, sobbing::

Bella: Oh brother...

He scanned the starry sky for a sign of Hedwig,

Lucius: Get over the owl, you little son of a mudblood!

Lily: ::crying:: Shut the hell up, Lucius. You leave my son and my heritage alone.

Perhaps soaring back to him with a dead mouse dangling from her beak,

Narcissa: Ew...

Peter: The poor mouse.

Narcissa: ::cringes:: Poor mouse?

Peter: Do you realize how horrible people treat rodents? If anything is injust, it's the treatment of mice and rats!

Narcissa: EW! EW! EW!

Expecting praise. Gazing absently over the rooftops, it was a few seconds before Harry realized what he was seeing.

Sirius: Let me take a guess: His three godfathers had just escaped from Azkaban and were going to rescue him on a flying motorbike?

James: ::sniffling:: What is with you and motorbikes? Especially flying ones.

Sirius: Oh, I don't know. ::wink wink:: I just think they're cool. ::cough cough:: It would be really neat to enchant one. ::hint hint::

James: Okay. I'll get you one. Only if you promise to look after my son if I have one.

Sirius: Cross my heart and hope to die!

Remus: In this case that might not be the wisest thing to say...

Silhouetted against the golden moon,

Remus: ::shivers, no one notices::

And growing larger every moment, was a large strangel lopsided creature, and it was flapping in Harry's direction.

Snape: DUNK!

He stood quite still,

Snape: Fine then, don't listen to me! That will be ten points from Gryffindor!

Frank: ::to Tonks:: You're right. He'd make a great teacher.

Watching it sink lower and lower. For a split second he hesitated, his hand on the window latch, wondering whether to slam it shut.

Lucius: ::to Harry:: You ought to, you know. No telling what's out there...::shivers::

But then the bizarre creature soared over one of the street lamps of Privet Drive, and Harry, realizing what it was, leapt aside.

Lily: My son's a genius!

James: Our son!

Lily: No, he's mine.

James: ::shocked:: Then what am I? The sperm donner?

Lily: Precisely. ::smiles::

James: ::silent. Is in complete shock::

Others: ::laugh::

Through the window soared three owls, two of them holding up the third,

Sirius: Wicked! An owl delivering an owl!

Peter: It would be a fantastic prank!

James: Remus, write it down! We'll have to try it.

Remus: Along with the fellytone spider?

Marauders: Yep!

Lily: ::under her breath:: I'm going to confiscate that piece of paper!

Which appeared to be unconscious.

Sirius: Cool! Dead owl!

Frank: It says unconscious...

They landed with a soft flump on Harry's bed, and the middle owl,

Narcissa: Which was dead?

Which was large and gray

Peter: And dead.

Kelled right over and lay motionless.

Sirius: Dead bird, dead bird.

Frank: Oh, I don't know. It says motionless.

Lucius: That's the G-rating for 'Dead bird'.

There was a large package tied to its leg.

Lily: ::squee!:: Someone sent Harry a birthday present!

James: And a dead owl.

Lily: ::hits James::

Harry recognized the unconsious owl at once--

Bella: Because it was dead?

Alice: What is with all of you and the stupid, dead owl?

His name was Errol, and he belonged to the Weasley family.

Snape: Damn. Here I thought we'd moved past the stupid Weasley family.

Narcissa: Ron really must not be a good friend. He ended up getting his friend spit on, and gave him a dead owl.

Tonks: I don't think Ron's that bad. He just doesn't know any better.

Others: ::stare::

Bella: DEAD OWL! DEAD OWL! He doesn't know any better than to send his friend a dead owl?

Remus: I don't think the owl is dead.

Sirius: It's a dead owl, Moony.

Remus: I don't think so.

Peter: We'll have to see as we read farther into the book, aye?

Others: ::nod::

Sirius: ::to Remus:: Bet you five galleons it's dead.

Remus: Your on!

Harry dashed to the bed, untied the cords around Errol's legs, took off the parcel, and then carried Errol to Hedwig's cage.

Lucius: Don't bother, kid. It's dead.

Errol opened one bleary eye,

Others: ::shock::

Remus: HALEJHUA! I was right! ::gives Tonks a high five:: Pay up, Siri!

Sirius: ::grumble:: ::pays Remus::

Remus: That will teach all of you to listen to me!

Gave a feeble hoot of thanks, and began to gulp some water.

Bella: Not a Dead Owl. Not a dead owl.

Harry turned back to the remaining owls.

Sirius: Oh yeah. I forgot that there were other owls.

James: ::rolls his eyes:: It's a good thing I had Remus write it down, then.

Remus: Of course! I'm a genius! And a hottie! Love me fangirls!

Fangirls that have appeared out of no where: SQUEEE!!

Others: ::silent::

Lucius: That...was weird.

Snape: ::angry:: Completely! If Lupin gets fangirls, so should I!

Snape Fangirls: SQUEEE!!

Others: ::silent::

Bella: Are you happy now, Snape? You have fangirls.

Snape: ::shakes head cheerfully::

One of them, the large snowny female, was his own Hedwig.

Lily: Aw, it sounds like such a pretty owl!

James: ::sounding sick:: I have a feministic son! ::cries::

She, too, was carrying a parcel and looked extremely pleased with herself.

Sirius: Damn, I want Hedwig! She gives out presents!

Peter: I've never seen an owl do that before.

Lily: God, I love that owl! Not only is she pretty, she's sweet too!

She gave Harry an affectionate nip with her beak as he removed her burden, the flew across the room to join Errol.

Lucius: We're back to the Interspecies-Flirting. Oi!

Harry didn't recognize the third owl, a handsome tawny one, but he knew at once where it had came from, because in addition to a third package, it was carrying a letter bearing the Hogwarts crest.

Sirius: ::shocked:: Hogwarts give out presents! I've never got one!

Lucius: Harry must be special.

Lily: Of course. He is my son!

Bella: Or he's filthy stinkin rich.

Frank: ::sarcastically:: Or maybe, just maybe, it's because he defeated the Dark Lord when he was a year old?

Others: ::quiet::

Alice: Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

When Harry relieved this owl of its burden, it ruffled its feathers importantly, streched its wings, and took off through the window into the night.

Peter: Have you ever known a Hogwarts owl not to be arrogant?

Harry sat down on his bed and grabbed Errol's package, ripped off the brown paper, and discovered a present wrapped in gold,

Alice: ::acts shocked:: Harry has a present!

Others: ::act shocked::

Sirius: Don't tell the Dursleys. They'll probably confiscate it.

And his first ever birthday card.

Lily: Mental note to self: Kill sister. Will safe grief.

Fingers trembling slightly, he opened the envelope.

Lucius: ::yawns sarcastically:: Open it already, the suspense is killing me...

Two pieces of paper fell out--a letter and a newspaper clipping.

Narciss: Does he not get the Daily Prophet on his own?

The cipping had clearly came out of the wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet, because the people in the black-and-white picture were moving.

James: Don't all pictures move?

Tonks: Muggle ones don't.

Bella: How boring.

Harry picked up the clipping, smoothed it out, and read:

Snape: This book is the most boring thing in the world.

Alice: Oh, shush! I'm sure it will get better.

Frank: Hopefully...

Alice: ::looks offended:: Frank!

Frank: What?

MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE

Bella: Yawn. Who cares?

Sirius: Ron does.

Bella: So?

Arthur Weasley,

Lucius: ::face pales in disgust:: Of all the freakin' Weasleys' in the world, it had to be Arthur!

James: Why? Do you not like him?

Lucius: I don't like any of the Weasleys. But you could say Arthur and I go back a ways...

Narcissa: Really? How?

Lucius: I'd rather not talk about it.

Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office

Sirius: ::sarcastically:: He was the one who sent me to Azkaban!

Remus: Siri, that's not funny.

Sirius: ::pouts:: I thought it was...

At the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw.

Lily: That's seven hundred galleons!

Frank: I hope they use the money well.

Remus: I could use seven hundred galleons...

Snape: Couldn't we all?

Sirius: Not me. I'm independently wealthy.

Bella: The entire Black family is. You just got lucky that Uncle whats-his-name left you all his money.

Lucius: I'm rich too.

James: I'm not rich, so to speak, but I would say I'm upper class. I have a house elf.

Lucius: I have ten. And a half.

Lily: How do you have half a house elf?

Lucius: ::evil grin:: That's for me to know, and for you to find out!

A delighted Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet, "We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, were our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank."

Snape: Curse Breaker, aye? Interesting profession.

James: I'm glad they went to Egypt. I've been there once. It was wicked.

Remus: Bill Weasley? Isn't he a first year...

Lily: That's what I was thinking, too...

The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which five of the Weasley children currently attend.

Peter: Five children?!

Bella: My mother had three.

James: Thank God I'm an only child...

Lucius: Amen.

Harry scanned the moving photograph, and a grin spread across his face as he saw all nine of the Weasleys

Peter: Nine?

Snape: There were only five a minute ago!

Lucius: The Weasleys are like rabbits. There's probably ten more of them now.

::pause::

Bella: Well, Lupin, are you going to read?

Remus: ::pause::

::silence::

Remus: Mysterious Author lady-ma'am.

MVTSMLM: WHO DARES TO DISTRUPT THE GREAT AND POWERFUL AUTHOR...Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Remus: Is there a loo anywhere around here? Because I really, really need to go!

MVTSMLM: Oh yeah. Sorry. Go over there.

::mysterious door appears. Remus runs in::

MVTSMLM: You guys can take a break for a few minutes. Here, it's lunch.

::Food appears before them. They start to gobble it all down.::

MVTSMLM: If you guys ever want something, just tell me. I'll give you anything. I want you to be comfortable.

Peter: This might be a good thing after all!

::end chapter::