The Scarlett Letter

A/N: Be VERY glad! This chapter's the longest--16500 words without the author's notes. And, although I had an absolute blast with the entire story, this chapter was probably the most fun to write. So enjoy!

In this chapter Hermione runs into a spot of bother--a big one. And we see more of Moaning Myrtle. Two teachers are involved in some measuring. Oh, and poor McGonagall gets a repeatedly raw deal of things.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling, the Warner Brothers, and other assorted people. A Clockwork Orange belongs to Anthony Burgess, Kubrick, Warner Brothers, and other assorted people. Wait! Warner Brothers owns both??? Absolutely no fair!!

Chapter Five

Seeing Scarlett

Monday morning brought with it a great deal of surprises. The boys meandered into the Great Hall for breakfast only to find a clump of girls at each entrance, waving enticing magazines in their faces.

"Only a galleon a copy!" Lavender cried out happily. "A true bargain! Get yours today!"

Seamus leaned over and took one of the magazines in his hands. " 'The Conspiracy'?" He read aloud. "What kind of name is that?"

Lavender smiled secretly. "Why don't you read it and find out?"

Seamus looked more closely at The Conspiracy. It featured the five leaders themselves, clothed in dresses with diving necklines and high hems. Around them were such teasers as "See What Surprises Luna Has Been Hiding!" and "What a Hogwarts Girl Wants in a Guy." The Gryffindor boy stared for a moment at the landscape of legs that stretched across the cover, then absentmindedly fished a galleon from his pocket. He placed it in Lavender's outstretched hand, and she gave him a blinding smile.

Seamus, among a large portion of the male students, took their new magazine to their tables and began reading.

Excerpts from The Conspiracy:

What is The Conspiracy, you may ask? It is a special organization that the females of Hogwarts have made exclusively for the entertainment of the Hogwarts males. It is an in-depth look into the lives and secrets of the girls you thought you knew, but who have been hiding from you for years. Now is the chance to see what we, the girls of Hogwarts, have been hiding from you all this time. See what we like and dislike, what we find attractive and what we find hideous, what we do and what we don't do. But keep an open mind, and remember: You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea!

~~~~~

10 Ways to Lose the Hogwarts Lady of Your Dreams

Compiled by Hannah Abbot

10: Start ignoring her.

9: Make her feel unimportant or less-than, especially compared to girls that are many times less valuable than she is.

8: Send flirty letters to others girls.

7: Flirt with girls you've never even met.

6: Write poems about girls that aren't even your Hogwarts Lady of Your Dreams.

5: Spend half the day talking about another girl.

4: Spend all your time reading magazines when you should be paying attention to her.

3: Ask Professor Dumbledore for a protective spell when you don't even plan to have sex with the Hogwarts Lady of Your Dreams.

2: Give her a hard time because she isn't exactly like all the girls you run across in magazines and newsletters.

1: Throw her away for a scarlet woman.

~~~~~

My Favorite Colors

By Luna Lovegood

Gold is the color of a galleon coin

And beautiful tresses that shine in the sun.

Peach is the skin on a man's hard groin,

Which promises hours of great, bawdy fun.

Purple is royalty I long to be,

While orange is my fav'rite clockwork book

White is the color of pristinity,

And green is a Crumple-Horned Snorkack's look.

But scarlet's a color that I can't abide,

A hideous hue that I'll always deride.

~~~~~

The photographs were quite a surprise. Each girl that wanted an appearance got one amidst the grand sets offered out by the Room of Requirement. And never had the Hogwarts girls looked so perfect, and so confident!

Luna featured in quite a few of the photographs. In one shot of her amidst a small crowd of forest animals in a clearing, she wore a long, pale green dress whose neckline jutted down nearly to her belly button. In another picture she was bending over to smell a flower, and the camera had caught a perfect view down the front of her dress, showing a lot more than any of the Hogwarts boys could have hoped to see in real life. She also joined Parvati, Lavender, Eloise, and Katie Bell in a photo in the grand waterfall, where they all wore thin white dress that were soaking wet.

Parvati and Lavender, too, had taken it upon themselves to appear in a good deal of the pictures. Lavender occupied the spacious broom closet, where she lay against its cushioned interior and pulled up her dress almost all the way up her leg. Parvati, meanwhile, took it upon herself to strip to her underwear on the set of the Astronomy Tower and straddle a replica of the statue of Gregory the Dying. And they both appeared, along with five other girls, in a Grecian bath scene where they bathed in a heavily-bubbled pool.

The photos represented a myriad of color ranges. Some pictures were filled with blues and purples and other cool colors. Others were filled with warm, vibrant yellows and oranges. Still others were in black and white, while other took charge of the entire color wheel. . . except for one color. . .

There wasn't a shade of scarlet in the entire magazine.

~~~~~

". . .Wow. . ." Seamus, Dean, Colin, Terry, Justin, and Blaise had all gathered at the Gryffindor table to stare at The Conspiracy magazine. "I mean to say. . . Wow. . ."

"I never knew Luna was hiding such a hot figure." That was from Terry.

"And Eloise!" Justin whispered in awe. "Apparently pimples don't stunt the growth of her chest." He was looking at the waterfall scene.

Dean bit back a laugh. "That girl has pimples everywhere," he said. "See? There's even one of her breast; it's visible through that transparent dress of hers. It's a large one, all right!"

Colin furrowed his brow and cocked his head. "That's not a pimple," he said slowly. "It's. . ." His eyes widened in realization. Immediately the boys and crowded around the picture, all eyes on Eloise Midgen for a very long time.

~~~~~

From the other side of the Gryffindor table Luna was smiling serenely at all the boys who were admiring her pictures and her friends' pictures. "Isn't this so wonderful?" she asked Hermione and Ginny.

Hermione looked very disgruntled. "No, it isn't," she said. Ginny merely looked apprehensive.

"But why not?" Luna asked mildly. "Do you realize there isn't a single veilabat in this entire magazine? It's very frightening, thinking of the amount of veilabats that could have posed in our midst. If Orla had grabbed the red bikini instead of the blue one, it's guaranteed that a veilabat would have taken residence in her mind."

"But Scarlett's my friend!" Hermione said in agitation. "Her newsletter's going to plummet because of this! You were supposed to tell us what happened, Luna! We didn't expect you to pose for all those pictures, and thereby help bring about the destruction of The Scarlett Letter."

"But it was so much fun," Luna said placidly. "You don't know how gratifying it is to see boys finally looking at me now."

"Oh. . . ah." And Hermione no longer had the heart to reprimand her friend. "But, er, I'm still quite grateful for all the help you've given us, you know."

"I know," Luna said. She looked up and down the table until her eyes rested on Parvati, Lavender, Romilda, Pansy, and Daphne. "They seem happy, at least. I'm glad that Pansy's gotten over her breakup with Malfoy so quickly."

Hermione and Ginny perked up, and Harry raised his eyebrows. Ron let out a laugh. "Her what?" Hermione said.

"Her breakup with Malfoy," Luna repeated.

"Ha!" Ron didn't manage to hold back that one syllable. "Serves him right!"

"He really was being such an awful boyfriend," Luna remarked absently. "It's good that she ended it before he got any worse."

"She seems much better off for it," Harry remarked amusedly as he indicated Pansy with a wave of his hand. She and the other Conspiracy leaders were all grinning as they leaned over their magazine. From the look of it, one would think she had never known Malfoy in her life, much less had broken up with him the night before.

But then the whole scene changed in a moment as the mail arrived. When the boys saw what happened, they dropped their Conspiracy magazines and snatched up at their owls' packages. When the girls saw what happened, their grins slid off their face like stinksap. When Hermione saw what happened, she smirked in satisfaction. When Harry saw what happened, he hid a smile at the whole situation and everyone around him. The owls deposited their burdens, then flew off, leaving pandemonium behind. . .

For the third issue of The Scarlett Letter had arrived.

~~~~~

The cover of The Scarlett Letter was even more revealing this time around. This time it had taken residence in a lavish bathroom, where Scarlett was sitting on the edge of a sunken tub, smiling over her shoulder at the camera. A stray red towel nestled itself into the small of her back, hiding her bottom from view. The men in the tub, however, got a full front view of Scarlett, and they each wore vacant grins as they watched Scarlett shift position every now and then. The towel miraculously kept covering her rear end the entire time. Some excerpts from this newsletter:

I am a very busy young lady. What with five movies and interviews and countless photo shoots, I have very little free time. So I have long wish lists that I have yet to fulfill. Here are some of them:

To Visit List:

1: The Eiffel Tower--I can't believe I went to Paris and never visited the Eiffel Tower!

2: Singapore

3: Turkey

4: Hollywood, California

5: Ruins of Ancient Babylon.

To Buy List:

1: Gladrag's new red thong that starts moaning if it gets too dirty

2: A revealing house-elf pillow case costume so I can always remember my role from my movie "La Baguette Magique Choisit la Sorcière"

3: A new pack of Bertie Bott's Every-Flavored Condoms

4: A new feather quill with which to write my poems

5: A new whip

To Try List:

1: Escargot

2: Having sex upside-down

3: Buffalo meat

4: Listening to psychedelic music

5: Having sex with a merman or a centaur (the former will be easier, I expect)

To Do List:

1: Harry Potter!

2: Aiden Lynch

3: Victor Krum

4: Orlando Bloom (most of you Muggleborns will have heard about/had a crush on him)

5: Another Hogwarts male who will remain anonymous (*smiles seductively*)

~~~~~

Okay, it's time for some damage control. It has reached my ears that a rumor has been making its rounds in Hogwarts castle. Apparently everyone thinks I'm ravaged with AIDS. This is entirely untrue. Just last week I was tested for every STD known to mankind, including (but not limited to) syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, genital herpes, and genital warts. I have none of them, and I am totally free of the HIV virus.

I also tend to cast about a dozen protective spells on myself before I have sex with anyone. So I am totally able to have sex without spreading disease or contracting one myself. That's all.

~~~~~

The pictures were much the same as last time, though (if possible) even more revealing. The Hogwarts boys settled into a collective daze as they goggled at the newsletter. Meanwhile, Lavender and Parvati flipped furiously through their own copy, their faces growing redder with each page.

"Did you tell her about the HIV rumor?" Lavender rounded on Hermione furiously.

"I didn't send Scarlett a single letter the entire weekend," Hermione said defensively. "I swear."

"Are you sure?" Lavender said, narrowing her eyebrows.

"Calm down, Lav," Parvati said wearily. "Scarlett has a billion boys writing to her. Odds are one of them told her."

"Oh," Lavender said. "Sorry, Hermione." She sunk down next to Parvati as they read the "To Do" list.

"Have you seen this, Harry??" Parvati called out as she stared at the newsletter.

"Seamus showed me," Harry answered with a sigh. "Merlin, she's so annoying."

Parvati hid a smile. "Do you mean you wouldn't do her, even if she offered?"

Harry managed a tiny smile. "Nope, Parv. She's not on my To Do List."

Lavender listened with wide-open ears and Parvati leaned forward. "She isn't?" she said, raising one eyebrow. "Then who is?"

Harry avoided her gaze and studied his fingernails for moment, clearly searching for a diplomatic answer. Then he looked up at her again and said wryly, "I'm afraid that's a secret, Parvati. But it's a very short list. Probably the shortest in the whole school."

"Come on, now," Parvati said with a laugh. "It can't be shorter than Snape's list! I can't even imagine him wanting to have sex, much less actually finding someone who'd be willing to do it with him!"

Lavender looked up from the newsletter. "Are you kidding, Parv?" she said. "Snape wildly wants to fuck Narcissa Malfoy. Everyone knows that."

Parvati turned around slowly. ". . . What?" she said.

Lavender sighed. "Okay, so only me, Pansy, and Draco--"

" '--Pansy, Draco, and me--' " Hermione corrected her.

"--Only Pansy, Draco, and me know about it," Lavender amended. "Draco told Pansy, who told me. Hell, Draco could have been imagining it, for all we know."

Harry watched the entire conversation with a smile on his face. "So if Snape is drooling after Malfoy's mom," he said, "I guess that makes his To Do List about as long as mine. Though I'm afraid our tastes are MUCH different."

"I'd hope so," Ginny said from the other side of the table.

Harry gulped and fell silent after this. Then he read his most recent bit of mail under the table:

Dearest Harry,

You haven't yet answered my last letter. And I really want to send you a copy of my newsletter. Did you know that I put you at the top of my "To Do" List? I did that because you ARE at the top of my To Do List. To tell the truth, I don't really think much about the other boys on that list. I simply curious about them. But I really, really want to know what you're like. Please write back.

Love,

Scarlett

Harry rolled his eyes and crumpled up the letter, then stuffed it in his bag and forgot about it.

~~~~~

Goyle also received a letter from Scarlett:

Hello, my love,

You will have probably received my new newsletter today. And you'll have seen the To Do List on page 14. To tell the truth, you're actually at the top of my list. I don't care about those other guys. You are the most important thing in my life. I just didn't want to draw attention to us just yet. I don't think everybody should know our personal business.

I just wanted you to know that I am head-over-heels in love with you. I can't wait to see you at Hogsmeade. Be there with balls on!

Love,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Malfoy, too, received two letters, though neither were from Scarlett:

Draco,

I think I absolutely hate you. You are the most embarrassing son a father can have--and that's saying a lot, especially with riff-raff like the Longbottoms and the Weasleys oozing all over the country. I am not a pervert. If anything, you are the pervert. And, if you reply to this letter (which I sincerely hope you don't), you had better not mention that incident with Dobby in your first year. That wasn't NOT me being perverted. . . never mind, you wouldn't understand.

Your Father

Dearest Draco,

Your Daddy is giving me so much grief right now! He was most embarrassing today at the Ministry. He spent an hour alone with Fudge inside his office, then came out covered in blood. The press thought they had murdered someone, and they made a huge scene! In the end, it turned out that Lucius got mad at a house-elf and accidentally killed it in his rage. I could have sunk through the floor, I was so embarrassed! And I'm not even going to start on the shame he's brought on us by commingling with the Death Eaters. Doesn't your Daddy have any sense of public image?

Feeling very pissed, but I still love you very much,

Your dear Mother

~~~~~

Gregory gently folded Scarlett's letter and put it in its own special pocket in his school bag. Then he returned to his newsletter with a glowing smile on his face. A wonderfully warm feeling spread gloriously throughout his entire body as he thought over Scarlett's words again. . . and again. . . and again. Scarlett loved him!

And he loved her.

It was true love, he knew it.

"You don't seem too happy, Draco," Vincent remarked lightly.

Draco had just finished reading his letters, which Gregory figured were much less pleasing than his own. "I'm just fine, thank you," Draco said acidly, setting fire to one letter with his wand. The other he simply stuffed in his bag.

"That's surprising to hear," Vincent pressed. "Especially since you get constantly displeasing mail. And you just broke up with Pansy."

"God, don't you EVER shut up?!?" Draco gritted his teeth in frustration.

"No need to call me God," Vincent replied, unable to fully suppress a snort of laughter. "I like Vincent just fine, thanks."

"For your information, I'm GLAD I broke up with Pansy!" Draco retorted, ignoring Vincent's impudent remark.

"You certainly aren't acting like it," Vincent muttered.

Draco rolled his eyes. "You don't know a thing about girlfriends," he said bitingly, "seeing as you've never had one yourself."

"Yes, I have!" Vincent argued. "I have one right now!"

Draco let out a cry of laughter. "Ha! That's news to me! Who's the unlucky girl?"

"Uh. . . well, it's not exactly. . . official," Vincent hemmed and hawed. "Not really. But we do make out."

"Yeah, Vincent," Malfoy said sarcastically. "God, you're pathetic."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Crabbe muttered. "It's Vincent."

"I'm off to class," Gregory said. He grabbed his bag and, still holding The Scarlett Letter in his hands, walked down the Great Hall.

Gregory had just stepped into the Entrance Hall when Pansy accosted him by the stairs. "Going to Potions already?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah," Gregory said.

"Mind if I join you?" Pansy said brightly.

"No."

"Good." Pansy linked her arm around Gregory's and pulled herself up against his shoulder. Gregory was too absorbed in Scarlett's magazine to notice.

"You seem happy," Gregory said vaguely after a moment of silence.

"I am," Pansy replied.

"But you just broke up with Draco."

Pansy shrugged. "You were right. He was treating me like shit."

"Yeah," Gregory agreed, not paying full attention. Pansy bent her body slightly forward so that Gregory got a perfect view down her robes. For a moment he was too busy looking at the magazine. Then his gaze wandered for a moment as he turned the page. . .

He stared at Pansy and gulped. She simply smiled.

Look away, Gregory instructed himself sternly. I'm in love with Scarlett.

Ah, but I have a striking panorama of Pansy's breasts right about now, all the way down to a centimeter above the nipple.

But I'm in love with Scarlett!

True.

And Gregory looked away. He turned his gaze back to the magazine and saw, much to his delight, a similar view of Scarlett where she showed every bit of skin she could without actually being naked.

Pansy wilted in disappointment. Gregory was supposed to look at her, not Scarlett! What good was an ink-and-paper photo when he had the real thing right in front of him? She drew a deep breath and took a different tack.

"How did you like our magazine?" Pansy asked Gregory.

"It was okay," he replied vaguely.

"Only okay?"

"Yeah, only okay."

"You did buy a copy, didn't you?"

"Of course."

Silence.

"But why didn't you like it?" Pansy pouted and clung even closer to his arm.

"It was okay."

"God, are you even listening??"

"You needn't call me God," Gregory said, unconsciously echoing Vincent. "Gregory will do."

"Be serious!" Pansy cried, becoming rather upset. Yet she kept a firm hold on his arm as they reached the dungeons.

"Okay," Gregory complied. "I'll be serious. I didn't really like the magazine you girls made because it felt like a rip-off of The Scarlett Letter. I think you guys are insanely jealous that Scarlett's so popular. So you feel that you have to outdo her."

"What? That's not true!" Pansy lied.

"Yes, it is," Gregory said, surprised at her denial. "And your magazine isn't as popular. Why else do you think Scarlett's able to get a bunch of half-naked men in her photos when you girls don't have any?"

Pansy stamped her foot in frustration. Things weren't going at all how she'd planned! This whole conversation with Gregory had had the exact opposite effect that she wanted. But, by golly, she'd end it on a good note. Maybe she could gain back at least a shred of womanly pride. So she gave Gregory a kiss on the cheek and flounced irritably off into the Potions dungeon.

Gregory touched the spot where Pansy had kissed him. For a moment he didn't move as he reviewed the feel of her soft, warm lips in his mind. Then he turned back to The Scarlett Letter and continued reading.

**********

Dear Scarlett,

Did you get my last letter? The one where I gave you the nickname Open Rose? Only I haven't gotten a reply yet. I loved today's newsletter, by the way. You are the hottest!

Love,

Moaning Myrtle (a.k.a. Zach)

**********

Flitwick watched as Professor McGonagall trudged into the staff room that afternoon and slumped into her seat. The poor Transfiguration teacher seemed absolutely spent of all her energy.

"Rough day, Minnie?" Flitwick asked.

McGonagall's head jerked upward, and for a second she just stared at Flitwick, as if not quite sure what to say. "Rough day?" she finally said. "Oh, yeah. Very rough. And now we have a staff meeting, on top of it all."

"Life sucks," Flitwick commiserated. "What's got you so down in the dumps?"

"Our resident harlot, Scarlett," McGonagall said, letting out a longsuffering sigh. "Rrrgh, she's driving me insane!"

"Isn't she!" Flitwick agreed. "None of my boys have been paying attention to the lesson since before last week. They're too wrapped up in that newsletter."

"None of the girls pay attention, for that matter," McGonagall pointed out. "They're too busy glaring at the boys and concocting their own plans to steal them back from Scarlett."

At that moment the other teachers meandered into the room, Dumbledore taking the rear. Flitwick brightened when he spotted Verity Vector and nearly orgasmed when she took the seat next to him.

"How is everyone?" Dumbledore asked mildly.

"Good," mumbled the teachers, except for McGonagall, who just frowned sourly.

"Then let's get down to business. What's the first item on our agenda?"

"Scarlett!" McGonagall cried out. "We need to put a stop to all of this!"

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows ever so slightly. "We do, Minerva?"

"Yes, we do! She's a bad influence on the students, and she's interfering with their education."

Dumbledore nodded. "This is most serious indeed. Please continue."

"The boys no longer pay attention in class anymore," she began. "They're too busy reading her newsletter. . ."

And off she went on one of her long diatribes. Flitwick soon lost interest. Not because McGonagall was boring, but more because he was too busy casting glances at Professor Vector. He had a piece of parchment and a quill with which to take notes on the meeting. Instead, he began writing a note:

How are you, Verity?

And he pushed it over. She took hold of it and read it. Rolling her eyes, she jotted a quick, sarcastic reply:

Absodiddlylutely hunky-dory. Why?

Flitwick took the note back and was just about to continue their written conversation when McGonagall paused in the middle of her diatribe to cast him a glance. He immediately stopped writing and, hoping that he didn't look too guilty, waited a moment. Then:

I just want to know how you're doing.

Why?

Just because. What do you think about Hogsmeade on the 18th?

I think that I won't be going.

Would you like to go with me?

Gods, no.

Be serious!

Verity Vector didn't reply when Flitwick passed her the note. Minerva gave him another glance, so he quickly pulled the note back and waited innocently as he thought of what next to write. Finally he had an idea:

Let's play a game.

What kind of game?

I try to guess your measurements. I'll start at 36-24-36, because that's always a good starting point. You tell me whether each number is higher or lower.

. . . What in Merlin's name, Filius? You aren't making any sense. What do you mean by "my measurements"? And what are the numbers with the dashes?

It's easy, Verity. The first number is your measurement around your bust. The second number is your measurement around your waist. The third is your measurement around your hips. So it goes bust-waist-hips. Got it?

36-24-36??? You call that normal????

Uh, yes.

Good holy Merlin! Do you expect every single women in the planet to suffer from raging anorexia????

Um, no. . . why?

Holy hell, the only way I could get that skinny is if you pulled me through a straw! NOBODY could get that skinny unless they hadn't yet reached their mum's birth canal! You're crazy!

What? 36 inches around the bust seems normal. So does 24 around the waist and 36 around the hips. What's so anorexic about that?

. . . . . . . . . We're talking INCHES???

Inches, yes. What else?

Oh. I thought you were measuring in centimeters.

. . . Oh. I guess that would make a difference. So do you want to play this game using the metric measurements or the standard measurements?

Look, Filius, I'm really not comfortable with sharing my measurements.

Why? I don't care what your measurements are. You'll still look wonderful in my eyes.

Then why are you trying to guess them?

For fun. Why else?

I really, really don't want to do this.

Okay, then. You can guess my measurements.

Your measurements? You mean the 36-24-36 thing again?

No, not those measurements. Guys aren't supposed to have hourglass figures. You're supposed to guess my OTHER measurements.

Your OTHER measurements??

Yes. The first number is the length. The second number is the width. So it's length x width. Got it?

No. What "length" and "width" are we talking about? Which body part are we measuring??

Um. . . you don't know?

NO, DAMN IT!!! WHICH BODY PART????

Um. . . my. . . penis.

FUCK!! YOU'RE DISGUSTING!!! I'M NOT PLAYING THIS GAME!

And Vector shoved the parchment back into Flitwick's hands and gave him a sharp kick in the leg under the table. McGonagall glanced at Flitwick once again, her face twisted into a glare, and this time he couldn't keep the guilty look from his face.

"Is anything the matter, Filius?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"Um, no," Flitwick said quickly. "What were you saying?"

"I said that there's nothing we can really do about Scarlett right now," Dumbledore replied, unable to keep the amusement from his voice. "If we try to stop the boys from reading her newsletter, they'll rebel against us, or else simply read it in secret. We can't monitor their every book. Everyone agrees, right?"

"Yes," they all mumbled, many of them heaving out sighs. McGonagall's glare deepened, and she slumped furiously against the back of her chair.

**********

Monday evening letters:

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

Of course I got your letter. I even sent a reply. I do hope it didn't get lost in the post; the owl I used seemed quite fit and healthy. In the last letter I was considering a date in Hogsmeade on the 18th. I still have to check my schedule to see if it will work out. I'll write to you later in the week.

Love,

Open Rose

P.S. Please stop adding "a.k.a. Zach" on the end of your signatures. I'm Open Rose, and you're Moaning Myrtle. Remember that!

~~~~~

Dear Scarlett,

I read your To Do List in the most recent issue of The Scarlett Letter. I couldn't help noticing that Potter headed this list. So I felt I must warn you against him. He's stuck up and spoiled. And he likes to outdo everyone in everything. He's rotten to the core. And he hangs around with people like Granger and the Weasleys. I just felt like I needed to save you from a disappointing fuck.

Love,

Draco

P.S. Enjoyed the newsletter.

~~~~~

Father,

There's this really neat thing that I heard about. It's a new kind of sex. You stick your wand up your butt and cast a cutting curse. Please try it.

As for the pervert thing: you are too a pervert. What kind of person isn't when they do what they did to poor Dobby? I swear, after seeing that I was scarred for life.

I KNOW I absolutely hate you.

Draco

~~~~~

Dearest Mother,

Father's being an absolute asshole. I think you should withhold sexual privileges from him until he sharpens up his act. He's been too much of an embarrassment to our family for too long. I wish there was some way I could disown him. . .

Maybe you could divorce Father and marry Snape. I know you want to bang our resident Potions Master. If the divorce doesn't go through, you can still do Snape while Dad's sleeping on the couch (make sure he doesn't even get the luxury of the guest rooms!).

With all my love,

Draco

**********

Tuesday morning letters:

Dear Open Rose,

Did BOTH my letters go astray? You haven't written to me in a long time. Are you angry at me? If you are, I'm sorry for whatever I did, and I hope you forgive me.

I love you.

Moaning Myrtle

~~~~~

Dear Draco,

Harry Potter is rotten to the core?? That's not what my good friend Hermione told me. And even if he is, does it matter? I'll be happy with him, just as long as he gives me a memorable night in bed. But thanks for your concern anyway. I wonder if I could meet up with you sometime?

Love,

Scarlett

**********

Hermione stumbled into her Arithmancy class on Tuesday morning still yawning. She had been up all night with Ginny, and now she could barely keep her eyes open. She slumped down in her desk and dropped her bag to the floor beneath her.

"Rough night?" Terry Boot asked her with a smile. He sat down in his desk in front of her.

"Yes," Hermione said. "But I still had a good time."

Terry's smile widened. "So you and Ron got it up?"

Hermione started. "What? Good gracious, no! We don't all move as fast as you, Terry."

"Tell me what it's like when it happens," Terry said. "I'll make sure to ask Ron as well."

"Keep dreaming," Hermione muttered. She pulled out her Arithmancy book and asked, "So. . . which newsletter do you enjoy more: The Scarlett Letter or The Conspiracy?"

Terry looked quite pleased with her. "I never knew you were one for gossip," he said, approving. "I'm all over Scarlett. The girls are great and all that, but they're really just jealous. And Scarlett reveals more of herself. She's one hot chick."

"She tries her best," Hermione said with a smile.

"Hell, yes," Terry agreed. He pulled out his own book. "I'd be looking at The Scarlett Letter right now, except I need to cram a last few minutes of studying for the test."

"Test?" Hermione echoed him in horror.

"Test," Terry repeated. "Over Units Four and Five. I'll bet you ace it."

"We have a test today??" Hermione repeated, panicking. "I totally forgot! I haven't studied at all! What in Merlin's name am I going to do???"

"Stop complaining," Terry recommended. "You'll get an O."

"No, I won't!" Hermione cried. "Oh no, oh no!"

At that moment Professor Vector walked to the front of the class holding a stack of paper. "I'm handing out the tests now," she said. "Anyone who talks after this moment will get a T. Remember, this test counts for 25% of this term's grade. Good luck."

Poor Hermione was hyperventilating by now. How could she have forgotten about this test? It was the most important in this whole class, and she had had five days to study for it! And now she was going to fail!

When Hermione got her test she flipped through it quickly. Her breath raced quicker with each passing page. She hardly knew any of these questions! And there was 162 of them!! And only 20 of them were multiple choice or matching!

With a whimper, Hermione put her quill on her paper and began writing with a shaking hand.

**********

That evening Harry holed himself up in his dormitory while boys from all houses flooded the common room for the Scarlett Fan Club meeting. This was the second night in a row that the fan club was hogging all his favorite seats by the fire.

So, to avoid the noise pollution, Harry spent a lonely night in his room. Hermione had bullied him into doing all his homework earlier that afternoon, so he found himself in a very boring position with absolutely nothing to do and absolutely no one to talk to. Eventually he found a book on Ron's bed that Hermione had been urging him to read. Ron had had the book for two weeks and had it bookmarked at page 8. What the hell, Harry thought, and he picked it up and began reading.

The reading was rough going at first. Harry ran across words that he had no idea existed. Hermione might know the meaning to these, but they look like they're from a totally different language to me! But then he found a glossary in the back that translated every single unfamiliar word on the page, and he was soon reading happily on his bed with the curtains drawn around him.

Harry took a sip of pumpkin juice from the glass on his bedside table and turned the page just as a loud CRACK split the air in his dormitory room. He gave a start and spilled his juice all across his front. "Who's there?" he called out.

"Harry Potter!!" squealed an overexcited. . . animal, was it?

"Dobby?" Harry said slowly as he drew back his curtains.

"It is Dobby, sir!" The house elf said happily. "Dobby is honored to meet Harry Potter once again."

"It's good to see you, too, Dobby," Harry said sincerely, a grin splitting across his face. "What are doing here?"

"Dobby is gathering laundry, Harry sir," Dobby said. "I is having my turn for the washing."

"Okay," Harry said. "Can you take this shirt, too? I spilled pumpkin juice all over it."

"What an honor it would be!" Dobby said breathlessly as Harry took off his shirt and handed it in a damp bundle to the ecstatic house elf.

Just then, the door burst open and Ginny walked into the dormitory. Her gaze fell upon Harry, and she gave a gasp of surprise (which was a convenient way to hide her delight). She froze completely when Harry lifted his head and met her wide brown eyes with his green own.

"I. . .I'm sorry," she stammered. "I should have knocked." And she was about to walk out of the room when Harry stopped her.

"Wait," he said. "You don't need to leave."

Ginny turned around quite willingly and said, "You don't mind?"

"You've already seen me without my shirt," Harry said reasonably. "There's nothing I can do about it now." And he began gathering his laundry from the ground.

Ginny could barely refrain from telling Harry how much she loved his logic. Instead, she leaned against the door and gazed at Harry.

"So what did you need?" Harry said as he dumped his laundry into a basket and handed it to Dobby.

"I needed to. . . um. . . borrow something from Ron," Ginny fudged. "Um. . . Dobby, what's the matter?"

For Dobby had paused in horror. "I is. . . Harry, sir, is that puce sock being yours in this basket?"

"Yes," Harry answered, pausing in his journey to his dresser.

"Is you putting. . . a spell on the puce socks?"

"No," Harry said, his brow furrowed. "Why?"

"Terrible things has been happening!" Dobby explained, his dinner-plate eyes expanding even further. "I is watching yesterday as the house elves is washing the laundry. And one house-elf is touching a puce sock--just touching it--and the house elf is becoming most dreadfully sick. Clockles--that is being the name of this elf--is vomiting all over the clothes and is spraying his supper on the other house elves--"

"Enough information, thank you," Harry said quickly. "I promise I haven't spelled any of my socks."

"Dobby is happy for that, sir," the house elf said, looking relieved. "I is not seeing grosser things since my old master is making us both naked and. . . and. . ." He suddenly lurched over to Harry's bedside table and cracked the empty glass over his head. "BAD Dobby! BAD Dobby!"

Harry lunged to Dobby's rescue. He waved his wand, and the shards of glass formed into a full cup and whizzed into Harry's left hand. "Are you okay, Dobby?" he asked.

"Dobby is most grateful," said the cross-eyed house elf. "I is still beating myself up for talking bad things about my old masters."

"What did Lucius do to you, Dobby?" Ginny said, a bit too eager in her curiosity.

"Dobby means no disrespect, but it is not for anyone's ears," Dobby said ruefully. "It is to be giving you nightmares."

"Or a strong fit of giggles," Ginny whispered in an undertone to Harry. He simply smiled and made his way over to his dresser to pull out a new shirt.

Dobby collected the last bits of laundry and levitated it all above his head. "I is giving you two some privacy now," he said. Harry could have sworn he flashed them a smile before he disappeared with a loud crack.

"An amusing fellow, Dobby is," Ginny said, suddenly shy.

"Yes," Harry said, pausing deliberately as he turned around with a clean jumper in hand. "I enjoy visiting him whenever I find nothing else to do."

"So does Hermione," Ginny said. "Weird, isn't it? Where is she right now, by the way?"

"Oh, she and Ron spirited themselves away to some forgotten corner of the castle to practice mouth-to-mouth," Harry answered in a bored tone. He sat down on his bed, his jumper still in his hand. He dropped it against his pillow and instead picked up his book.

"So you've been reading all evening?" Ginny said. She wondered why Harry postponed getting dressed, but decided to simply enjoy it, even if she didn't understand it.

"That's better than going to Scarlett's fan club," Harry said with a wry smile.

"Oh, gods," Ginny groaned. "Those boys are driving me crazy! The girls are, too, when it comes to it. They're all gathered in the Room of Requirement, where I'm sure they're passing the night abusing Scarlett and plotting revenge." They fell silent again, and she scuffed at the floor with her toe. "What are you reading?" she asked.

Harry held up the book. "A Clockwork Orange," he said. "Hermione thrust it on Ron two weeks ago, and I just now picked it up."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "She's been trying to get me to read it, too, ever since Luna gave it to her as a Christmas present. I can see why Luna likes it. It has tons of weird words, and it makes no sense."

"Actually," Harry said, "it has a glossary in the back. You must have missed it."

"Does it?" Ginny said, taking the book from his hands and flipping to the last pages. "Why, you're right! Who would have guessed?"

"It's a bit hard at first," Harry said, "having to flip back and forth between the glossary and the text. But after the first few chapters I memorized most of the words, and now I'm really enjoying it."

"Hmm," Ginny said. "Maybe I should give it another go once you finish it."

"You should," Harry said. He took the book back from Ginny, and their arms brushed against each other as A Clockwork Orange switched hands. His heartbeat quickened as he felt her soft skin against his own.

For a while they stood gazing into each other's eyes, neither of them saying a word. Ginny wanted to reach forward and run her hands all over Harry's bare chest. Her fingers had moved forward of their own accord when she stopped herself and said, "What are you thinking about, Harry?"

Harry paused for a moment, wondering if he should give a flippant answer, or if he should give her the truth. He finally decided that he was Gryffindor enough to give her the truth, but not Gryffindor enough to give it directly. "I'm thinking about a list I've made," he said.

"What kind of list?" Ginny asked, her breath catching.

Dare he tell her? Yes, he dared. "It's a To--"

Suddenly the door burst open again, and Ron meandered into the room. He stopped short at the sight of Harry and his sister, who immediately sprang apart, looking extremely guilty. For a moment nobody said a word. Then Ron ventured, "Well. . . I hardly know whether to scream, laugh, or cry."

"Why would you cry?" Harry said.

Ron seemed to have settled on the laughing option. "No reason," he said, pressing his hand to his mouth to hold back his giggles. "Get dressed, Harry. Ginny, stop ogling him."

"I'm not--" Ginny began indignantly, but suddenly stopped, as her Gryffindor nobility kept her from lying.

"Yes, you were," Ron said.

"I wouldn't--" Once again, that darned nobility kicked in. Harry, meanwhile, quickly threw on his jumper and picked up A Clockwork Orange, unable to meet either Weasleys' gaze.

"Did you need to borrow something from Ron?" Harry asked Ginny, still not looking up from his book.

"What?" Ginny said, flustered. "No. What gave you that idea?" She quickly left the room looking very disappointed.

Ron raised his eyebrows at his friend, but Harry looked back with pure innocence. "That's why she came in here in the first place," he explained. "She said she needed to borrow something from you."

"Like my best friend, perhaps," Ron said, shaking his head. "I'm sure she would have returned you in the morning."

**********

By Wednesday morning Ginny seemed to have gotten over her unsuccessful visit with Harry the night before. In fact, she was positively giddy when Hermione met her in the common room to head down to breakfast.

"How was last night?" Hermione asked.

"Ron interrupted me before I could get any confession of undying love from Harry," Ginny said. "But I haven't yet tried my fullest. I'm feeling optimistic about next time."

"Ron and I had a really good time last night," Hermione said, "but I nearly fell asleep in his warm embrace, so I just had to get up to bed and get some rest. But I'm feeling optimistic today, too."

They entered the Great Hall to see the owls flying away from the tables. When the last owl had disappeared up the rafters, one of its feathers floated down to the floor to complete silence.

It was as if the entire hall had been petrified. The boys held their fourth issues of The Scarlett Letter in their hands, bug-eyed and completely silent. The girls were staring at the boys, their expressions furious. The teachers, even, had fallen silent. Professor Vector was hastily shoving a rolled-up magazine into her bag. Flitwick, Sprout, and many of the other teachers were gazing out at the tables of students, wondering what Scarlett had done this time. McGonagall looked absolutely furious. And Dumbledore sat serenely with that ever-present twinkle in his eyes.

Ginny forced herself to hold back a giggle. Hermione, too, couldn't keep a smile from her face as she slipped calmly into the seat beside Ron. "What's Scarlett done this time?" he whispered to his girlfriend.

"Knowing her, something big," Hermione said simply.

"Did you know??" Parvati hissed from the other side of Hermione. "Hermione, she's done it!"

"Done what?" Hermione asked innocently as she scooped two link sausages and a pile of fresh fruit on her plate.

Parvati shoved her copy of The Scarlett Letter into Hermione's hands. She took a look at the cover. It read: "SCARLETT REVEALED!!" These words, written in red, were splattered in a white box that conveniently covered an otherwise entirely naked Scarlett. Hermione turned to the first page in the magazine and got an eyeful of a portrait: Scarlett stood ankle-deep in a fountain pool, her breasts glistening with water. The picture was full-on, and she wasn't wearing anything.

Hermione theatrically jerked the newsletter away to an arm's-length from her face. She flipped quickly through the magazine, stopping on each picture just long enough to catch a glimpse.

Many of the photos featured Scarlett's adoring men. They, too, had decided to shed their last scraps of clothing, and they accompanied Scarlett throughout the pages and into a myriad of orgiastic spectacles. Somehow, through the roiling masses of bare, glistening skin, Scarlett managed to remain the forefront of each photo.

"My, my," Hermione said mildly as she reached the last page of the magazine. "How revealing."

"Did you see this picture?" Lavender demanded as she flipped to one near the front. It happened to be one of the moving photos.

"Ah, the one where (Ron, don't look!) Scarlett's being prodded with lots of. . . prods?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, that one!" Parvati said furiously.

"Um. . ." said Hermione. "What's wrong with it? I guess it is unusual to have intercourse with more than one guy at the same time, but hey. . . whatever floats her boat."

"It's not that!" Parvati said, "it's that!"

Hermione peered closely at Parvati's furiously rigid finger. "Oh, those five women slinking away in the background, looking left out and jealous?"

"Yes!" Parvati cried. "They look a whole lot like me, Lavender, Daphne, Pansy, and Romilda!"

" 'Lavender, Daphne, Pansy, Romilda, and me,' " Hermione corrected her delicately. "I'm sure it's just coincidence. They are awfully beautiful women, and you five are awfully beautiful. It's easy to see the resemblance."

Parvati rolled her eyes and snatched back the copy of the newsletter. "Whatever that picture's all about," she said, "there's gonna be hell to pay!"

**********

This pornographic issue of The Scarlett Letter promised not to be forgotten any time soon. On Wednesday nobody could take a single step through Hogwarts castle without seeing at least one picture of Scarlett peeking out from her brazen magazine. Most of the subscribers had the sense to hide the newsletter during class, but instead pulled out blank parchment and began writing rave reviews to Scarlett instead of taking notes. The teachers were losing their last threads of patience, and the girls were absolutely furious. Something had to give.

In the Room of Requirement that night the girls decided it most certainly wouldn't be them. "We won't let this scarlet hussy beat us down!" Pansy cried angrily to her frenzied audience. "She may have won this round against us, but we'll come back and beat her to a bloody pulp!"

"And how do we propose to do that?" Hannah piped up, business-like, from the crowd. "Simply creating our own newsletter hasn't worked."

"We've got to expand," Lavender said excitedly. "We have to out-Scarlett Scarlett."

"But how?" Parvati chipped in.

The crowd of girls fell into deep thought. For a moment the Room of Requirement was silent.

Then Luna spoke up. "Perhaps we should stop trying to beat Scarlett. Maybe we just need to set up some really special event for the boys--something they'd really enjoy, like a Quidditch tournament--and they'd lose interest in Scarlett. Hot photos aren't everything, you know."

The girls turned to stare at Luna incredulously. For the longest time nobody spoke. Then Luna's serene smile widened as she said, "Too loony, isn't it? The veilabat would never do something like that."

"Um, what would the veilabat do?" Daphne hesitantly asked the batty Ravenclaw.

Luna pursed her lips in thought. "I do believe she'd strip off her red bikini disguise and do some nude photos herself."

"That's it!" Parvati cried happily. "We have to do our own nude photo shoot! The boys can't ignore us after that!"

Once again, the door to the photo set appeared in the far wall. The girls started swarming towards it when Pansy called out, "Wait! We can't rush into this like we did last time. We need to plan this photo shoot properly."

"Why?" Orla Quirke piped up from the midst of the crowd. "We did fine last time."

"What we really need," said Pansy, "is some hot guys who will be willing to participate in our shoot. The Hogwarts boys keep saying we aren't as popular as Scarlett because we weren't able to find any guys that were willing to be in our pictures. We need to prove them wrong."

"A nude photo shoot with nude boys," Luna said mildly. "What fun! I'll see if I can recruit Harry."

"Wow, really?" Parvati perked up. "That would be soooo awesome! I've always wanted to see Harry's goods!"

"And I'll try to convince Ernie to join us for a picture or two," Susan offered. "He'll only pose with me, I'm sure, but it'll still be worth the effort."

"I'll bet I could convince my parents to let me 'rent' some studs for the shoot," Daphne said. "They spoil me rotten; it's actually pretty pathetic at times. But I still love them, and they probably won't even ask any questions."

"Perfect!" Romilda said. "How soon could you get them?"

"If I wrote my parents immediately, I could sneak the studs in tomorrow evening before curfew," Daphne said.

"So we'll meet back here tomorrow evening at 8:00, then?" Romilda said.

"Yes," Parvati said. "If anyone else is able, try to convince some more Hogwarts boys to join the photo shoot. I wish us all the best of luck."

~~~~~

At around the same time Harry was coming back from a late-night visit to Hagrid's. He was now wandering the second floor under his invisibility cloak on a massive detour to Gryffindor tower. As he turned down one particular hall he ran into an expansive stretch of water that flooded the entire corridor. He hitched up his silvery cloak so as not to get it wet, then tip-toed gingerly through the water.

SPLASH! Ripples suddenly appeared in the water, traveling rapidly towards Harry. He heard laughter farther on down the hallway. Someone was there!

He tiptoed even more quietly as he reached the person who was responsible for the commotion. Much to his surprise, he found Luna splashing happily through the water, her shoes dangling from her fingers. "Luna?" he said.

"Who is it?" Luna lilted. It sounded like she was talking to some unknown person on the other side of a door, as opposed to a disembodied voice right next to her ear. "Is it one of the filly-bugs? Because if it is, you really need to speak up."

"No, not a filly-bug," Harry said, pulling down the hood of the invisibility cloak. "It's just Harry."

"Whoa," Luna said, taking a step back. "I never would have expected that."

A laugh quivered on Harry's lips, and he decided not to answer that comment.

Luna began patting her heel against the surface of the water. "I just came back from a girl's meeting in the Room of Requirement," she said.

"And I just came back from Hagrid's."

"We--the girls, that is--are doing a nude photo shoot," Luna informed Harry.

This time it was Harry who took a step back. "Um. . . any reason?"

"It's for our newsletter," Luna explained calmly. "We want to boys to pay attention to us, not Scarlett."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "So you think doing your own porn magazine will help?"

"No, of course not," Luna said, shocked at the thought. "It's a horrible idea! I suggested we set up a very

fun and special event for the guys, but they didn't like that idea. By the way they looked at me, you'd think I was a crazy loon."

"What's wrong with being a crazy loon?" Harry asked reasonably.

"Good point," Luna said mildly. "But I don't consider myself loony. I'm totally normal. It's everyone else that is crazy."

Harry couldn't help laughing at her logic. "And why did you want to tell me all of this?"

"Because," Luna said, "we want you to participate."

Harry took another step back and stared at the blond-haired Ravenclaw incredulously. "You guys want me to pose nude with Hogwarts' female population?"

"Yes," Luna said. "The girls seem to think that, if they have a bunch of hot studs in the magazine (like Scarlett), it'll make them look popular.

Harry let out a disbelieving laugh. "And why would I want to do that?"

"For fun!" Luna said with wide eyes. "Why else do you think I'm participating in the shoot?"

"For fun. . ." Harry repeated, still unable to believe his ears.

"Yeah!" Luna said, pleased that Harry had heard her correctly. "Don't you ever get to urge to take off your

clothes once in a while?"

"Not in front of a million blinking cameras, I don't," Harry said.

"I do," Luna informed him. "Especially when all the pictures go on the critics' chopping block, and I have to wait to see how much praise my photos get."

"I'm not putting my sausage on the chopping block," Harry said. "Only the person on my To Do List gets to see my sausage."

"Person?" Luna inquired innocently. "Not persons?"

"Person," Harry said firmly. "Sorry to disappoint, Luna, but I'm really not up to a nude photo shoot."

"Okay, then," Luna said. "I didn't really expect you to accept anyway. Not even if Ginny was there."

Harry tried his best to gulp quietly. "Ginny?" he said, his voice husky. "What does she have to do with this?"

"She's your To Do List," Luna said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Everybody knows that."

Harry gulped again. "D--do they?" he whispered.

Luna thought for a moment. "All right, everybody except Ginny."

"Oh, God," Harry managed to whisper.

Luna smiled serenely at him as if they had just had a pleasant conversation about the weather. "So if you're not going to do the nude photo shoot, could you at least help me find out where all this water's coming from?"

"Moaning Myrtle's bathroom," Harry said, indicating the door behind his back. "She hasn't created this big a mess since Ginny threw a book through her head. She must really be upset."

"Maybe a filly-bug has been teasing her," Luna suggested. "They can really get on your nerves."

"Maybe," Harry said evasively.

"Let's see if we can cheer her up," Luna suggested. And, before Harry could protest, she pushed against the "OUT OF ORDER" sign and steered them both into the waterlogged bathroom.

Water gushed from every single sink faucet and bubbled out from every toilet. Harry took his invisibility cloak off completely and waded through the knee-deep water with a revolted expression. Luna looked completely unfazed, as if traipsing through flooded bathrooms was a part of her daily routine.

Moaning Myrtle herself sat at the top of her stall, moaning and weeping in her ghostly, high pitch. She turned her head when Luna and Harry entered the bathroom and simply sniffed as they trudged their way through the current to reach the foot of her cubicle.

"Hello, Myrtle," Luna said brightly. "How are you?"

Moaning Myrtle sniffed gigantically. "Miserable," she croaked. "Everybody hates me."

"No, we don't," Harry piped up, afraid that Luna might answer too honestly for Myrtle's delicate feelings. "I love visiting you."

"Which is why I only see you once a year, I suppose?" Myrtle sniffed dramatically.

"Uh. . ." Harry said, "You see, I'm very, very busy, and the teachers always, um, watch this corridor, just in case. . . just in case a boy tries to. . . get in. . ."

"You can visit Harry in his own bathroom up in Gryffindor tower," Luna suggested brightly. Harry closed his eyes in horror. When he opened them, he saw that a smile now twitched the corner of Myrtle's transparent lips.

"Maybe I will," she said. Then she became gloomy again. "But everyone still hates me. People tease me all the time."

"No, we don't!" Harry assured her.

"They call me Moaning Myrtle," Moaning Myrtle wailed. "And now some girl who calls herself Scarlett has been playing a horrible joke on me!"

"What?" Harry and Luna said together, both perking up.

"She's writing about taking me out on a date at Hogsmeade on the 18th," Myrtle sniffed. "And she sometimes calls me Zach. . . or even--" here her voice dropped-- "Zachy-wacky."

Harry tried his hardest, but couldn't hold back a smile.

"SEE?" Moaning Myrtle shrieked. "EVEN YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY!"

"No, no, no!" Harry insisted. "We aren't laughing at all! In fact, I even want to help you work this out. How's that sound? Where are the letters?"

"Right there," Moaning Myrtle sniffed, pointing a ghostly finger at a small stack of letters that sat precariously on the corner of the stall and away from the water. Harry had to jump to reach them.

Then he realized something. "They're open," he said.

"So?" Myrtle said, her ire rising. "They were addressed to me; I had every right to read them."

"No, it's not that," Harry said pensively. "It's just. . . you're a ghost. How did you manage to open the letters in the first place? They'd just go right through you."

This was not the correct thing to say. Moaning Myrtle immediately burst into noisy tears and wailed, "Why must you always remind me that I'm dead? I suppose next you're going to ask me how I manage to turn on all the sinks in the bathroom!"

"I've always wondered that, actually." Only Harry didn't say this, because he knew it would make Moaning Myrtle even more upset. Instead, he put the letters in his pocket and said in an undertone to Luna, "I'll give these to Hermione; she can forward them to Scarlett."

"You're talking about me, aren't you?" Myrtle moaned.

"No, we weren't!" Harry said. . .

At the same time that Luna said, "Yes, we were."

The Ravenclaw's answer was so unexpected that Moaning Myrtle stopped mid-wail. Both she and Harry stared at Luna. "I was telling Harry that I was madly envious of you," Luna said brightly, "because you're a ghost. And since you're a ghost, you can have sex with Nearly-Headless Nick."

"Can she?" Harry hissed.

"I heard that!" Moaning Myrtle shrieked, indignant. "Just because I'm dead doesn't me I can't have sex anymore!"

"Don't be too harsh on Harry," Luna placated. "He has his dumb moments." Here she turned to Harry and let her smile widen for a moment, then turned back to Myrtle. "Anyway, guess what Peeves just told me about Nearly-Headless Nick?"

Moaning Myrtle perked up. "What?" she said eagerly.

Luna leaned forward conspiratorially and said in a half-whisper, "Not only does he take a bath in the Prefects' Bathroom at 3:00 in the afternoon on the 9^th day of each month, but he also likes to wander periodically in the dungeons completely naked. He often does it in the dead of night when nobody else is up."

"Oh, really?" Myrtle said brightly. "Thanks!" And she dived down the toilet and drenched Luna and Harry in the resulting splash.

Harry raised his eyebrows at her retreating gurgling. Lina simply giggled and said, "I like her."

"That makes one of us," Harry muttered under his breath. "C'mon, we'd better shut off the water before Filch finds out and gets really mad."

"Why?" Luna asked curiously. "We can get out of here under your invisibility cloak and let Filch turn off the water himself."

Harry grinned. "Sounds like a plan to me," he said.

**********

By Transfiguration the next morning Gregory Goyle was still in a daze from the barrage of photos in The Scarlett Letter. While the fan club had gabbled for hours on end about each and every picture, Gregory simply stared at his magazine and took in every detail of Scarlett's body. Tonight he might try drawing pictures of Scarlett with Dean Thomas again.

As they sat down in their desks Draco calmly flicked open his copy of Scarlett's magazine and placed it inside his Transfiguration book. Gregory did the same thing, but with much more reverence.

"She's the hottest!" Blaise whispered from his position next to Draco.

"Mmmm," the blond-haired Slytherin replied. "So you finally approve of her?"

"What are you talking about?" Blaise whispered back. "I've always approved of this Scarlett thing! She's the phenomenon of the year!"

"So it may seem," Draco said as he slumped in his seat.

"You're awfully gloomy today," Vincent said.

"Probably his break-up with Pansy," Blaise said sagely.

"I swear, I'm totally over that!" Draco insisted. "I stopped thinking about her months ago!"

At this time McGonagall began calling out roll, and the class fell silent. Gregory goggled at yet another image of Scarlett. Then the class began taking notes on a long, boring lecture.

Gregory flipped the page. It settled with a whisper on a two-page, landscaped photo of a naked Scarlett doing something very intimate with a naked man. Somehow she managed to look dominant even though she was on the bottom.

That man looks a little bit like me, Gregory thought. His heart gave a sudden jolt. So did his groin. He has my bristly brown hair and my stocky build. And he has my dull chocolate eyes, even. Oh God, if only I could be in his position!

Gregory slowly began to turn on as his pants tented beneath his robes. To complicate matters, the picture of Scarlett was one of the moving ones, which (with this photo) involved quite a bit of rocking. Gregory surreptitiously transferred his magazine to his lap to hide the growing bulge in his pants.

McGonagall paused in her lecturing to write out a long list on the chalkboard in the front of the classroom. Gregory put a hand under his magazine. "Calm down," he whispered to his excited member. Draco and Blaise shot him strange looks.

Gregory didn't quite know what to do. He couldn't tear his eyes or his mind off the picture, but the bulge in his pants was growing every second. He thrust his hand against it in hopes of pushing it down again. If anything, it only made him more excited. He let out a little moan.

Draco stared at him. "Oh, oh, oh!" Gregory let out another moan. "Uuuuuhh!" McGonagall whirled around to pinpoint the source of commotion.

Try as he might, Gregory couldn't stop himself. He suddenly seemed to have lost control of his hands as they moved back and forth even quicker than before. He began rocking in his desk--slowly at first, but gaining more and more momentum with each swing. Then his control snapped altogether.

"Oh, yes! Uuuuhhh! Oh God. UUUUHHH! YES, YES, YES!"

McGonagall stared at him with mounting horror. The students began giggling. But Gregory no longer saw the class around him. He only saw Scarlett and him together in that picture, fulfilling his wild fantasies.

Then, with a soft gasp, it was all over. Nobody in the class spoke a word, but stared at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. McGonagall swept down the aisle and stopped at Goyle's desk. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Goyle?!" McGonagall barked at him. "Reading magazines under the table, are we?" She snatched up The Scarlett Letter. . .

And nearly dropped it. The students suppressed their laughter. "Reading pornography, no less!" McGonagall whispered in horror. "Detention!"

She stopped short as she ran her fingers across the pages. "What in the world did you put on this magazine?" she demanded. Goyle didn't answer, but merely whimpered.

McGonagall's gaze followed the milky white film that covered the magazine, then trailed in sticky tendrils between her hand and Goyle's, which was firmly lodged in his pants. Her eyes bugged nearly all the way out of her head in realization. "A WEEK OF DETENTION!!" she shrieked, her voice echoing to the ceiling. "WE'RE SEEING PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE RIGHT NOW!"

She quickly cast a Scourgify on her hand and the magazine. The milky white rope broke and slapped wetly against Goyle's leg. She didn't perform the spell for Goyle, but simply marched from the room. Gregory stood up miserably and followed her numbly from the room. He tried--and failed--to hide the expansive wet spot that spread across the front of his pants. He gave a last whimper as he and McGonagall left the room.

Then the entire room burst into laughter and refused to be calmed down, not even when Filch (followed closely by Peeves) rushed in and started yelling at them.

**********

On a scrap of paper in Potions:

Lav, Daphne asks if you were able to get any boys to participate in our shoot.

No such luck, Parvati. I tried asking Seamus, but he hardly even paid attention to me.

Daphne says that she was able to hire the studs, and that they'll reach Hogwarts at 8:00 tonight.

That's great. I hope Luna was able to secure Harry Potter. I've always wanted to see him naked.

Hell, yes! What kinds of photos would we put him in?

I want to be in a picture with him!

As does every single girl in the whole school, Lav.

Maybe I can be stroking him on the Astronomy Tower set. Or perhaps we should be washing each other in the pool beneath the waterfall.

Oh, yes! I'd like to be with him in the bedroom set. That would be absolutely glorious! Oh, and Daphne says she'd like him in the library alcove.

I'd think it would be really sweet if he and Luna snuggled together on the woodland set. She deserves one picture with him if she succeeds in engaging him in this shoot.

"Passing notes in class, are we?" Lavender and Parvati jumped as they saw Professor Snape standing right above them with an air of great displeasure on his sallow face. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Hand it over."

"But. . ." Lavender squeaked.

"Hand it over!"

And Lavender handed the note to Professor Snape, but not before she tapped the parchment once with her wand.

Snape's lip curled as he flicked open the note and began reading aloud. "So, Parvati, what do you think of that sexy man in the front of the classroom?

"I think he's the hottest creature in all creation." Snape's lip curled as he drew out each sentence written across the bespelled parchment. "I wonder who this mysterious person could be?" he commented before he continued. "I would so bang him. Ten points from Gryffindor.

"His curtains of dark, greasy hair turn me on. All that grease would make a great lubrication.

"Heck, yes! Professor Snape is the hottest--" The Potions Master stopped in the middle of the sentence as his face turned the color of sour milk. "Detention, Brown and Patil, and thirty points from Gryffindor."

He swept away from them with the note still in his hands. And, despite the fifty points lost and the detention, Parvati couldn't help but giggle into her hand. "Wow, did you do that, Lav?"

"Yeah," Lavender whispered. "It's too bad he didn't get further along into the letter. That's where it got really randy!"

**********

Dear Zacharias,

Forget the nicknames; they've created too much confusion. I'm Scarlett, and you're Zacharias. I have enclosed all my letters that went astray. Sorry for the mix-up.

Love you bunches,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dear Scarlett,

I'm pleasantly impressed with the photos in your newest edition of The Scarlett Letter. The nudity was aesthetically pleasing and fun to look at. Thank you for brightening up my day.

Sincerely,

Verity Vector

**********

Hermione entered Arithmancy that day with a wormy feeling in her stomach. She sat down in her desk and pulled out her book with a sigh.

"How do you think you did on the test?" Terry Boot asked her excitedly. "I think I at least got an A. I'll bet you got an O."

Or a P, if I'm very lucky, Hermione thought. She gave a tiny whimper.

Professor Vector went to the front of the classroom with a large stack of parchment in her arms. "These are your tests," she said. "Remember, this is a big part of your term average. If you did well on this test, you'll likely do well for the term. If, however, you failed this test, you have likely failed the term." Hermione let out a little moan.

And Professor Vector began walking up and down the aisles, laying the tests face-down on the students' desks. When she laid Hermione's on her desk, Hermione grabbed it anxiously, her hands shaking in trepidation.

She got a D.

Dreadful! Oh, oh, oh! And Hermione began to cry softly into her arm. She had failed the term, she just

knew it! How could this have happened to her? She was supposed to be smart!

But now she wasn't. She was dumb. She was dreadful.

"How did you do, Hermione?" Terry asked her. "I got an E!"

Hermione didn't answer, but stuffed her test paper deep into her bag and began crying some more.

~~~~~

Ginny and Luna sat at the lunch table an hour-and-a-half later waiting patiently for Hermione. She hadn't yet come from Arithmancy.

"Maybe she had to stay behind to speak to Professor Vector," Luna suggested.

Ginny hid a smile. "Speaking of which, Scarlett just forwarded another one of Vector's letters to Hermione. It's a hoot."

"Is it?" Luna said. "So is Scarlett. Such an amusing woman, she is. Were you mad to see Harry at the top of her To Do List?"

Ginny slipped against the table and nearly fell to the floor. "What?" she said quickly. "Why would I be?"

"Because," Luna said, "He's your To Do List. Everybody knows that."

Ginny gulped. "D--do they?" she whispered.

Luna thought for a moment. "All right, everybody except Harry."

"Oh, God," Ginny managed to whisper.

Luna smiled serenely at her as if they had just had a pleasant conversation about the weather. Ginny's mind was still reeling over Harry when Hermione stumbled to the table in tears.

"Oh, Hermione!" Ginny cried. "What's the matter?"

"I. . . I. . ." Hermione whispered. Then she dissolved into another wave of weeping.

"What is it?" Ginny coaxed. "Was it your test? Did you not do as well as you expected?"

"I got. . ." Hermione gasped, "I got. . . a. . . a--a--a. . . a D. I've failed the whole term."

"Oh, that's too bad," Luna said sympathetically. "Was the filly-bug annoying you during the test? They're notorious for making people lose their concentration." Ginny shook her head at Luna, as if to say, "Now's not the time."

Hermione wept into Ginny's shoulder for quite some time. Her body shook with each sob as she cried out all her worries and fears over her bad grade. Then she wiped a hand across her reddened eyes and said in a hoarse voice. "I forgot to study for the test. Right after I took it I went over all the information and realized it wasn't actually that hard. But by then it was too late. I'll have to spend the rest of the year doing extra credit just to bring my grade up to an A."

Ginny gave her friend a comforting hug. "No, you won't," she said.

"Yes, I will!" Hermione moaned.

"But you say you know all the information now?"

"Yes, but Vector won't let me retake the test!"

"Have you asked her?" Ginny said.

"Um, no," Hermione said sheepishly. "But she won't just let me. . . retake the whole thing! I don't have any excuse."

"You can say that you were very distracted and sick that day," Luna suggested. "Or you can tell her that the humus-glider wiped your memory temporarily. The last would probably be the best excuse."

"No, there's a much easier way. . ." Ginny said, a smile suddenly creeping across her face as she ran her finger lovingly over the letter in her hands.

~~~~~

That afternoon Hermione headed for Vector's Arithmancy classroom. She had just stepped through the door when she saw that the professor was already entertaining a visitor. Flitwick stood at her desk, speaking softly to her, but not so softly that Hermione couldn't hear their conversation.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday?" Flitwick asked her tearfully.

"I'm quite sure," Verity Vector said crisply.

"Why not?" Flitwick asked. "Is it because I'm too short? Because I assure you that not everything about me is a short as it seems."

Vector glared at him. "Oh?" she said sharply. "If you start that 'let's guess each others' measurements' thing again, I'm seriously going to hex you into next century." Hermione could barely hold back a giggle here.

"Look, I'm really sorry for that," Flitwick whispered. "I thought then that you wouldn't mind."

Verity glared sternly. "Unfortunately, I do." Her voice held a note of finality in it, but Flitwick refused to take a hint.

"I just want one good reason why you don't want to go out with me!" he pressed.

Verity sighed and slumped back in her seat. "You want the truth?" she said.

"Yes." Both Flitwick and Hermione waited with baited breath for Vector's answer.

"It's because you're stupid," she said at length.

"What?" Flitwick said, clearly hurt. "Why am I stupid?"

"Because you want to go out with me," Vector answered curtly. "Good day."

"But--"

"GOOD DAY!"

"Please, Verity, can't we talk about this?"

"We most certainly CAN'T! JUST LEAVE ME BE!" She whipped out her wand at pointed it at the tiny Charms professor.

This time Flitwick took the hint. He scampered from the room as fast as his tiny legs could carry him. Hermione quickly ducked out of the classroom before he reached the door, then waited until he was a full fifty yards down the hallway before strolling back into the classroom.

Professor Vector looked up when she saw Hermione. "Yes, what is it?" she snapped curtly. She looked very harassed

"I. . . I wanted to retake my test," Hermione said softly.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," the professor replied, somewhat impatiently. "That test counts for a big part of your term grade; it would be unfair to the rest of the class if I exclusively let you retake it. You should have been prepared."

"I was," Hermione said. "I know everything that the test covers. It's just. . . well, on the day of the test I had just received some very bad news from my parents about a, um , sick uncle. And I felt very, very ill myself. Both of them combined seemed to make everything leak from my brain, if you know what I mean. My concentration was totally shot."

Professor Vector's expression softened a little bit. "I'm very sorry," she said, "but I cannot let you retake the test without a note from a teacher or a healer that explains the circumstances that caused you to do so poorly on the test."

Hermione adopted a pleading expression while she quickly ran over all over Verity's letters to Scarlett in her mind. "But your class is my favorite class!" she said. "It's aesthetically pleasing and fun to look at. It. . . brightens up my day. And I must say, I am favorably impressed with your class. I confess that I spend a good deal of my other classes reading my. . . Arithmancy book under my desk--and I'm the student! You needn't answer this comment; I just wanted to tell you how much I'm enjoying your class."

Hermione knew her little speech, as a speech, made absolutely no sense. But Professor Vector understood enough of it to stare at her bushy-haired student with wide eyes. Hermione continued. "This whole episode has turned me scarlet with embarrassment. But I can retake the test. Then you could send my new score by the night post, so that I may receive it without the knowledge of anyone else. I would really appreciate it. Sincerely, Hermione Granger."

Professor Vector goggled at her in horror. Hermione tried to keep her expression neutral as she matched her professor's gaze with one of her own. Then the Arithmancy teacher opened her desk and pulled out a fresh copy of the test. "Take as long as you need," she said in a half-whisper. "I'll grade it once you finish."

**********

That night after dinner Pansy headed over to the Gryffindor table to meet with Parvati, Lavender, and Romilda. Once they all gathered together they moved farther down the table away from Ginny and Hermione, who were still eating a late dinner.

"Is everything ready for the photo shoot?" Romilda asked the others.

"Just about," Pansy said happily. "Daphne's heading down to the gates right now to meet the hired studs."

"Perfect," Romilda said happily. "And were we able to get any other boys?"

"Sadly, no," Parvati said. "Susan tried to convince Ernie to join in, but he says he's out of shape and would just make our newsletter look bad. And Luna says that Harry Potter adamantly refused to take any part in it."

"Too bad," Romilda said with a sigh. "I would have much liked to see Harry Potter naked."

Just then, Katie Bell strode happily over to the small gaggle of girls with two identical redheads in tow. "Hey, guys!" she called out to the leaders of The Conspiracy. "Look, I got us two studs to participate in the shoot!"

From the other end of the table Ginny leapt up from her seat and rushed down the aisle between the tables and flung herself around the two twins. "Fred, George! What're you two doing here?" she asked.

"Visiting," Fred said happily.

"Katie here wanted to see us again," George explained lightly.

"And we needed to hand out some free samples from our joke shop," Fred added. "Business is booming. And our target consumers are all right here at Hogwarts."

"It's great to see you again," Ginny said, giving them each a hug before she skipped back to Hermione.

Pansy watched Ginny go with some relief. If she found out about the shoot, then she'd tell Hermione, who would in turn tell Scarlett. They couldn't have that happening. The Slytherin turned to the Weasley twins and said, "So. . . you two are joining us in our shoot?"

"Yes, indeed," Fred said. "We've always wanted the chance to participate in a nude photographic escapade."

"Though Katie had to bribe us each with a turn to pose with her before we agreed," George said. "This shoot is gonna be wicked!"

Then they spent the time until 8:00 engaging in small talk before they all headed up to the Room of Requirement. There they met almost every other girl in Hogwarts. None of the Conspirator leaders bothered with a speech, but instead led the girls and boys immediately into the photo set.

The studs promptly made themselves at home by taking off their clothes. Some of them left on their revealing underwear, but most of the studs stripped it all off and waited patiently for the girls to give them their orders.

Meanwhile, the girls themselves began undoing their robes and peeling off their shirts. Luna, who now wore nothing more than her silky white bra and panties, began handing out sheer white robes for the nude models to wear between shots. Most of the studs turned down the robes and instead chose to lounge around in their natural glory.

Fred took a sheer white robe with a dazed expression on his face as he watched the girls around him strip off their garments. "Gosh, I'm gonna have a boner throughout this whole shoot," he remarked to Katie. "Is that okay?"

"It'll be fine," Katie assured him. "It'll look more realistic that way."

Demelza Robins--who, as a photographer, still had her clothes on--took Luna's arm in one hand and grabbed a stud around the waist with the other. She led them to the pool beneath the waterfall and handed them each their costumes.

"This robe is tiny," Luna remarked, holding up the miniscule white bundle Demelza had given her, which was no bigger than her fist. "Is must have been made to fit a baby veilabat."

"Oh really?" said the stud as he slipped off his black underwear and pulled on the white bathing robe, which was fully see-through. He ran a hand through his dark brown hair in preparation. "What's a veilabat?"

"It's a creature," Luna explained, wide-eyed, as she, too, shed her underwear and donned her own robe.

"They disguise themselves as women in red bikinis, then bring bad luck upon unwary men. That's why I never wear red bikinis--I wouldn't want anyone to mistake me for a veilabat!"

They got into the pool, and their white robes clung to their frames as soon as the water touched them. "Luna, turn away from him and lay your head against his chest," Demelza directed the blond Ravenclaw.

"Will do," Luna said as she splayed herself flush against her stud. The top of her blond hair barely tickled his chin.

"And you," Demelza said to the stud, "Place your hands right under her breast, but not on the nipple. We want to see the nipple."

"Okay," the stud agreed. He arranged himself in the requested position.

"And turn Luna more towards the camera," Demelza continued. "We're making a magazine for boys, so

they'll want the girls in the forefront."

"Got it," Luna said. She and her stud shifted position.

"And pretend like you're laughing and having a good time," Demelza continued.

"This is fun," Luna said, pasting a sincere smile on her face. "It makes a wonderful change from all that schoolwork that the teachers assign us in OWL year."

The stud let out a laugh as Demelza's camera flashed. "Oh, don't remind me of OWL year. That was torture. At least with NEWTS you're already prepared for all the hard work and studying." The camera flashed again.

"Oh, what NEWTS did you get?" Luna asked mildly.

"I got an O in Muggle Studies," the stud told her proudly. "And an E in Charms, and--"

"Now take the bathing robes off," Demelza instructed. "And sit down in the pool. Get in his lap, Luna, but face him this time, and make sure you guys are still smiling."

"--and an A in Potions and Arithmancy and Ancient Runes."

"Luna, make sure your breasts are above water," Demelza put in.

"Oh, I love Ancient Runes!" Luna said eagerly as she complied with the photographer's request. "Did you hear about the set of ancient runes that, when turned on their heads, reveal a spell to make your enemy's ears turn into kumquats?"

"I have!" the stud cried excitedly. "I read about it in The Quibbler!"

"C'mon, let's go to the woodland set," Demelza told them.

"Oh, do you read The Quibbler, too?" Luna asked happily as they passed the broom closet set, where Katie, Fred, and George posed as a nude threesome having a bawdy time.

"It's my favorite magazine," the stud said sincerely. They had left their clothes at the pool and were now wandering around the photo shoot naked. "I became a fan at the age of thirteen. My parents don't like it that much because they think it's too weird. But I think they're too conservative."

"My dad isn't like that," Luna said easily. "Then again, he's the editor of The Quibbler, so he's never too conservative."

"Is he really?" the stud said enviously as they reached the woodland set. "That's so cool!"

"It is," Luna said. "This past summer we went on an expedition to find a Crumple-Horned Snorkack."

"And did you find any?"

"No, but they're very hard to find as it is," Luna said unconcernedly. "We did have some interesting conversations with the filly-bugs, though."

"Oooh, those are--"

"Cuddle up in the nest of rabbits," Demelza instructed them.

"--the strangest creatures I've ever come across," the stud finished.

"And make sure all your private places are showing," Demelza continued.

"I know," Luna said to the stud. "I thought I was having a conversation with one the other day, and it only turned out to be Harry Potter in his invisibility cloak."

"You know Harry Potter?" the stud said in awe as Demelza began taking pictures.

"Yes," Luna said casually. "He's one of the few people who are actually nice to me. But he has a crush on Ginny, who's another one of our friends. It's really cute, actually, how the two dance around each other. You should watch it--it's like the Famripples' mating dance."

"I've seen a Famripple mating dance before!" the stud said excitedly as Demelza snapped one last photo. "It was breathtaking the way that the male and female circled around each other for ages on end before finally making their timid move. But when they finally made contact--woah, I was blown away by their ferocity!"

"Come, let's go over to the Astronomy Tower set," said Demelza.

"Wow!" Luna said breathlessly, her eyes wide, as the stud helped her stand up. "The Famripple is even shier than the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!"

"I know," the stud said as they passed a group of girls and guys posing an orgy on a boat in a lake. "I saw it in the field behind my house when I was fifteen years old, and I'll never forget it."

They reached the Astronomy Tower set when he added, "But you said that most people aren't nice to you. Why is that?"

"Oh, they think I'm too loony," Luna explained as Demelza instructed her to lean against the wall. "They call me Loony Lovegood."

"But you're not loony," the stud insisted. "You're the coolest person I've ever met. And, to tell the truth, not too many people have been very kind to me, either. I guess they also consider me a bit of a weirdo. But you treat me like I'm totally normal."

"It's because you are," Luna said, wide-eyed, as he positioned his naked body against hers. "Just like me. It's everyone else who are the weird ones."

~~~~~

McGonagall was in her office at midnight looking through the photos of the last staff party when an owl tapped against the window. She let the owl in, then closed the window quickly to cut off the gust of icy winter air. The letter read as thus:

Dear Professor McGonagall:

I am the mother of Lavender Brown. A need has arisen in the family. I cannot tell you what this need is, but it is urgent. Simply give Lavender this letter, and she'll know what it is about. For reasons best left unexplained, the owl cannot deliver the message directly to her. So I cordially ask that you make sure Lavender gets this message immediately. It may reach you at midnight, but Lavender will not mind being wakened in the middle of the night once she sees this. Please keep this confidential.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Brown

McGonagall raised her eyebrows at the cryptic note. But she complied to its instructions and left her office to find Lavender.

She reached the Fat Lady two minutes later and gave the password. "Scarlet Is Not Necessarily a Shade of Crimson," she said, shaking her head at the long and complicated phrase, and the Fat Lady swung aside to let her in.

A barrage of noise hit her full force as she entered the common room. It was so loud that she stumbled back against the portrait hole and stared at the room in horror.

The room was filled with more boys than she knew Gryffindor even had. Then she realized that these boys weren't only from her house, but from Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin as well. And they were all wide awake and full of energy. The walls were covered in magnificent hand-drawn banners of Scarlett, most of them featuring her naked and pressed up against various members of the Hogwarts population.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?" she shrieked. The commotion died down, and the boys stared at her, their faces filled with horror. "IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THOMAS, TAKE DOWN THOSE SILLY BANNERS! GRYFFINDORS, CLEAN EVERYTHING UP AND GET TO BED! EVERYONE ELSE, GET BACK TO YOUR COMMON ROOM IN FIFTEEN MINUTES, OR IT'S A WEEK OF DETENTIONS!"

And that was that. The boys scurried to comply with her demands. She herself strode through the crowd (and purposefully trampled on four magazine on the way) and disappeared up the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

She reached the sixth year dormitory a minute and saw that light still spilled from beneath the crack under the door. She even heard a voice on the other side: ". . . and she barely looked over the test before she gave me an O! I know it was underhanded of me, but I was overjoyed!"

McGonagall knocked thrice on the door. She heard a flurried rush inside before the door opened. "Miss Weasley?" McGonagall said in surprise as she saw the redhead's head poking out from between the door and the doorframe. "Isn't this the 6^th year girls' dormitory?"

"I was helping Hermione clean up," Ginny said, opening the door a crack wider. McGonagall pushed her way into the room.

"Yes, this room certainly needs it," McGonagall remarked dryly as she surveyed the landscape of old, used parchment that stretched across the floor. It was, unexplainably, in neat little squares, as if the two girls had laid it down as an unconventionally artsy rug.

"Did you need something, Professor?" Hermione asked her.

"Is Miss Brown here?" McGonagall asked her.

"No," Hermione said as she and Ginny suppressed a shared laugh. "All the girls are in the Room of Requirement right now."

"What?" McGonagall said, taken aback. "It's three hours past curfew! What in Merlin's name are they doing?"

"I don't know," Hermione said, her giggles almost getting the best of her. "I guess you'll see once you get there."

"Okay, then," McGonagall said, raising her eyebrows. "Thank you."

"No problem," Hermione managed to say.

McGonagall left the messy dormitory a moment later. As she closed the door she heard the two girls break out in peals of laughter. There's something strange going on here, she told herself as she made her way back down the spiral staircase to the common room. And I intend to find out what it is.

She reached the Room of Requirement ten minutes later and let herself into the large assembly that the room had turned itself into. The place was entirely empty. "Granger hasn't been having me on, has she?" McGonagall muttered in shock. "No, she wouldn't do something like that. Maybe she made a mistake; the girls must be somewhere else."

And she was about to turn around and walk out of the Room of Requirement when she saw the door on the far wall. Her furrowed brow pinched in even farther as she made her way to that door, her shoes clicking in echoes across the empty room.

She threw the door open wide. For a moment she saw nothing--just a row of empty stalls and a pile of clothing. Then she traveled past the corner and immediately screamed in pure shock.

She was in the middle of a huge photo shoot with unbelievably elaborate sets and a huge crowd of Hogwarts girls and strange boys.

Every single one of them was stark naked.

The models, who were posing in the lewdest positions imaginable, were naked. The set artists were naked. Even the photographers and the directors had gotten in the mood of things and shed their clothes. McGonagall had never seen such an array of glistening private parts, both male and female, in her entire life. And they were absolutely everywhere.

She screamed again, this time much longer and louder than before. And this time the crowd fell silent and stared at her.

"WHAT THE F--" McGonagall barely stopped herself and started over. "WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!?! ARE YOU PEOPLE RUNNING A WHOREHOUSE??"

Nobody said a word.

"WELL?!?!?"

"It's a photo shoot," Luna piped up helpfully from the back of the set, where she and her stud posed calmly on a bed as a naked Demelza stared in horror at McGonagall. "It's for our newsletter."

McGonagall swelled in anger. "AND WHO IN HELL ARE THESE MEN?" Oops, she hadn't meant to swear.

"They're helping us," Luna said sweetly. "Isn't that nice of them?"

"NO, IT'S NOT!!!" McGonagall shrieked.

"It's okay, Professor," Luna said, giggling as she shifted her position under her stud, who was sitting on top of her. "We're not having sex. There may be a few erections around here, as I'm sure you've noticed, but there's been no penetration. 'Show, but don't blow,' as I'd put it. No one's lost their virginity during this little activity."

McGonagall's face was purple. "LITTLE ACTIVITY?!?!" she yelled. "EVERY SINGLE GIRL IN HERE IS GETTING A WEEK'S WORTH OF DETENTIONS. AND NONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO HOGSMEADE THIS SATURDAY!! AND IF ANY OF YOU BOYS EVER APPEAR AT HOGWARTS AGAIN, I'M PRESSING CHARGES FOR STATUTORY RAPE!"

"Hey, that's no fair!" George put in indignantly. "We came in on the girls' orders!"

"I DON'T GIVE A F--A FLIP!" McGonagall once again barely managed to stop herself from swearing. "EVERY SINGLE BOY IN HERE WILL LEAVE HOGWARTS IMMEDIATELY! AND EVERY SINGLE GIRL IN HERE WILL PUT HER CLOTHES ON AND LET ME TAKE DOWN HER NAME!! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO EXPEL EACH ONE OF YOU RIGHT NOW!"

The girls and studs numbly began putting their clothes on, realizing that their photo shoot was ruined.

"And don't you even think of releasing these photos!" McGonagall hissed furiously at Lavender, Parvati, Daphne, Romilda, and Pansy.

"Fuck," Pansy whispered so that McGonagall couldn't hear her. "Bloody shit wanker. An entire photo

shoot wasted!"

Then the girls lined up, fully dressed, and let McGonagall take down their names as they left the room. The boys slipped past McGonagall with their faces averted.

The only two people that seemed to take this all in stride were Luna and her stud.

"The fun's over," Luna said in mild disappointment.

"Do you think we'll ever get to do this again?" her stud asked. He still hadn't moved from his position.

But Luna didn't answer. She stared up at him with her wide eyes, obviously thinking hard. Then she said at last, "You know, this is strange."

"Is it?" the stud said. "We've been doing this for the past four hours."

"No, I mean this particular position is strange," Luna persisted. "You see, there are these invisible insects that are native to Singapore, normally called promisks. They enter a boy's and girl's heads and makes them get naked. Then they get into this very position. Then the boy asks the girl out on a date."

The stud seemed to have lost his ability of speech. He shifted ever so slightly before he cleared his throat. "So your name is. . ."

"Luna Lovegood," Luna said. "And yours?"

"David Banksbur," he said. "So, Luna. . . d'you want to go out on a date?"

Luna smiled. "I knew that the promisks got to us. Sure, I'll go out with you. We can meet at Hogsmeade this weekend."

"But McGonagall just said that none of you are going to Hogsmeade," David said. He shifted position again so that he was no longer teabagging her stomach.

Luna giggled. "Don't be silly. I'll just ask Harry Potter about the best secret passage out of this school, and I'll meet you at the Three Broomsticks at noon."

David grinned. "Sounds like a good plan," he said. "I'll see you on Saturday. Until then, don't let the filly-bugs get to you."

"Same to you," Luna said. And David walked back to the waterfall set to find his clothes. He found them and picked them up, then walked right past McGonagall completely naked. Her eyes bugged in their sockets.

Luna watched David go with a grin wider than her normal serene smile. "This photo shoot was entirely worth it," she said to herself, then stood up to find her own clothes.

**********

Scarlett finished off this eventful night by sending off four notes:

Dear Zacharias,

It appears that I have no prior engagement on the 18th. How would you like to meet at the Three Broomsticks at noon?

Love,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dear Vincent,

It appears that I have no prior engagement on the 18th. How would you like to meet at the Three Broomsticks at noon?

Love,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dear Draco,

It appears that I have no prior engagement on the 18th. How would you like to meet at the Three Broomsticks at noon?

Love,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dear Gregory,

I think it is now time to let people know about our relationship. I have asked Malfoy, Crabbe, and Zacharias Smith to meet me at the Three Broomsticks at noon of the 18th. And I ask you to do the same. When I get there, I will take you by the arm, and we will ignore the others as we sweep past them. How does that sound?

I love you more than anyone else in the world.

Your Dear Scarlett

A/N: Okay, if you've gotten this far then you obviously like the story. So I now feel it's time to make a confession. . .

This is my first comedy. Ever. I've written over 50 works, including five original novels, many shorter chaptered works, and quite a handful of one-shot fanfics. They may have had funny parts, but none of them were comedies. If you want a more accurate picture of my normal writing style/subject choice, reading "Their Neverending Reflection" or "On Making Friends," which are possibly the most accurate representations of the style in my original works. Then again, I've had such a blast writing this fic that I am very likely to return to comedy sometime else in my life--if not in fanfiction, then definitely in my own original works.

Oh, and everybody needs to read A Clockwork Orange, then watch the movie (make sure it's in that order, because you might not "get" the movie otherwise). If you don't do so within the next year, you're seriously depriving yourself. The book is my 3^rd favorite of all time (JUST BARELY behind HP and "A Series of Unfortunate Events"), and the movie is my absolute favorite of all time. Most of you guys reading this are probably mature enough to watch it, so don't you dare put it off!

Next chapter: Luna reads poop lumps (yes, you read that correctly). Gregory has a plan to cheer up Draco. Gregory also has a bit more trouble with Pansy. Oh, and the LONG-AWAITED HOGSMEADE DATE finally happens! It isn't as long as this chapter, so you guys won't have to wait as long. Please keep posted, and review, because I answer every single review!