The Scarlett Letter

A/N: This is not my first novel length fic. However, it is my first novel-length fanfic. I have had a great deal of fun writing this, and I am overjoyed that I'm finally posting it. It is a comedy with romance in between (I actually have a lot more pairings than I listed, but I don't want to give them all away). Probably the saddest thing about this fic is that it's based, in essentials, off a true story that I had the great privilege to watch unfold before my eyes. However, I have changed all the names to Hogwarts names and embellished a great, great deal. In the process, it has become my own fic and much less of a true story (it's the sort of thing that would happen if I tried writing my autobiography).

This story disregards Book 6 canon. It isn't because I disliked HBP--I loved it very much (though OOTP is still my favorite). It's just that the 6^th book didn't allow for this story to be possible. So Dumbledore is still alive, Ron is paired with Hermione, and Harry and Ginny aren't yet a couple. Oh, and I don't really focus on Voldemort at all during this story. It's humor, so it won't be exactly like the books. I try to keep the characters canon, but you'll have to forgive me if they deviate.

Warning: This story is rated R (or any other equivalent rating) for pervasive sexuality and dialogue, and for strong language. It is meant for mature audiences, so if you're immature, don't read it. I'm not discouraging any age group from reading my story (I myself am only 16), but if you aren't able to find any morals at the end of the last chapter, you're probably too immature to read this. By then it'll be too late to do anything about it, however, so just use caution and don't flame me. . .

Disclaimer:

We bow as one before the holy shrine

Where J. K. sits exalted 'bove us all.

She owns this fic; alas, it is not mine,

So to my knees to her I humbly fall.

In writing this, my Inspirer me hath blessed.

She writes the books, and lets us write the rest.

Chapter One

Adding Scarlett

Attention all males at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry:

I, Scarlett, invite you cordially to subscribe to The Scarlett Letter, my new newsletter. In it I detail my daily life and relate the stories of my titillating career. I also add extra bonuses of great interest, including my own special poems and photos.

Please note, however, that this newsletter is intended for mature audiences only. If you are sixteen years of age, you may fill out the enclosed form for a six-month subscription at the bargain price of 29 galleons and 16 sickles.

Moreover, I have also enclosed a preview of this newsletter. Subscribe today to take advantage of this great deal! Enjoy!

With all my love,

Scarlett

**********

On a splotchy piece of scrap paper in NEWT Potions, first block:

Oh God, Dean, did you see it?

See what?

Scarlett's new newsletter! Actually, she hasn't released it yet, but the preview photos. . . wow! She has one gorgeous body! I about fainted!

Did you really, Seamus?? I have the letter in my pack here--I was going to read it during History of Magic so that I wouldn't fall asleep. I can read it now, though, if it's such hot stuff.

No, don't--Snape's coming. Wait until History. . . Oh God, it was gorgeous!

Stop it! I can't concentrate on the notes!

Yeah, Dean. If you're so bent on taking notes, we wouldn't be passing this bit of parchment back and forth in the first place. But enough about that--let's talk some more about Scarlett. She's amazing! Perfect frame, perfect body. And that red bikini really becomes her. You should see it!

ARRGH! STOP!

**********

On a piece of paper in NEWT Transfiguration, first block. The top half of the paper had grown feathers:

So, Justin. . . did you see the advert for The Scarlett Letter?

Hot, wasn't it? You buying it, Terry?

Hell, yeah! I'm all over it like a rash! I could use a body like that to warm me up during these cold winter months--especially now that Christmas is just past. A girl like Scarlett could pull us all out of our post-holiday blues.

You speak the truth, mate. I sent off my 29 galleons and 16 sickles over my bowl of cornflakes.

I'm telling every boy in Ravenclaw the first chance I get. This Scarlett Letter thing looks really promising. Uh oh, McG's coming our way. Better hide the note.

And, with a tap of Terry Boot's wand, the paper became a large toucan, which flew up and landed in Professor McGonagall's hair.

**********

A long, low drone filtered through the second block History of Magic, as if someone was running a washing machine and forgot to turn it off. It was, of course, the notorious Professor Binns, sending the poor fifth-year Gryffindors to sleep with his never-ending lectures. However, two students had resisted his soporific rhythms enough to carry on a whispered conversation in the back row of desks.

"You buying the newsletter?" Colin Creevey asked his best friend Andrew Kirke.

"Hell, yes!" Andrew replied. "Aren't you?"

Colin sighed. "I wish. But I'm too young--I'm one year away from Scarlett's cutoff age. D'you think an aging potion might help?"

Andrew laughed, if a little too loudly. He glanced quickly up to the front to make sure Professor Binns hadn't heard him before he replied in a whisper, "Aging potion? Why would you need that? Just say you're sixteen. That's what I'm doing."

Colin grinned sheepishly. "Good point," he said. "I should have remembered that I don't need magic and potions to fix all my problems. Sometimes good old-fashioned lying works the best."

"Sssshhh!" Andrew hissed. "I think Ginny's trying to listen in on our conversation."

And indeed he was right; Ginny Weasley had woken up sufficiently to lean her red-haired head across the aisle next to them in hopes of eavesdropping. When she realized they had stopped talking, she let her head sink back down to her desk, though with an indulgent smile playing across her lips as she fell back asleep.

**********

Meanwhile, in the second block Charms class, Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini hid themselves in the back of the class. Flitwick had assigned the Sixth Year Slytherins the Aguamenti Charm. The ensuing ruckus of shouts and splashing fountains rattled off the walls and ceiling, and allowed for the two boys to have one of their many private talks.

"Please tell me you're not subscribing to The Scarlett Letter," Blaise pleaded of his friend.

"But I am," Theodore replied, casually flicking his wand. A glob of mud flung itself out the tip and hit Pansy in the back of the head. "Scarlett's steaming hot."

"You can't be serious," Blaise said, rolling his eyes. He, too, flicked his wand, if a bit more purposefully, and a bludgeoning hex shot out and clanged Theodore across the shoulder.

"OW! What was that for?"

"She looks like a tramp!" Blaise complained, ignoring Theodore's complaint. "She's a whore--she's showcasing her body for a sackful of galleons. Doesn't that bother you?"

"No," Theodore replied. "Aguamenti!" A fountain of urine sprayed from his wand--he managed to direct it away from himself just in time, and it splattered itself across the front of Goyle's robes. "Does it bother you?"

Blaise opened his mouth to reply, then, after some quick but significant consideration, closed it again. "Aguamenti!" A clear stream of water fountained from the tip of his slim wand, sprinkling Theodore's straw-blond hair. "Er. . ." he said in answer to Theodore's question. "Um. . . but still, what are you going to do with the newsletter once you get it? Wank off in the Prefects' Bathroom? You don't want a magazine written by a. . . a slattern!"

Theodore looked at Blaise with wide eyes. "Yes, I do," he said simply. "And I couldn't use the Prefects' Bathroom, because I'm not a prefect. I'll just have to look on in jealousy as Malfoy and his copy of the newsletter claim that territory."

Blaise scoffed at Theodore. "Come on, you've lost your mind! You don't honestly think Malfoy would buy into that crap? He wouldn't subscribe even if it was free!"

**********

Letters scattered amidst the photos and crumpled paper that flooded Scarlett's desk:

Dear Scarlett,

My name is Draco Malfoy, but you can call me Draco. You are drop-dead sexy! I was looking at your pictures all through Charms. And it was the images of your amazing body that gave me the will to perform my Aguamenti charm to absolute perfection. I have enclosed some personal photos, as well as 30 galleons for a six month subscription to your highly-anticipated newsletter. Keep the extra sickle--you deserve it for being so irresistible!

Love,

Draco

~~~~~

Dear Scarlett,

I am Seamus Finnegan, and I am a sixteen-year-old young man who is anxious to subscribe to your newsletter. I've sent along the proper amount of money, and expect some hot photos in return. If they're any bit as good as the ad, I'll be, erm, doing stuff "in the shower" all day long, if you catch my flow!

Hugs and kisses,

Seamus

P.S. Do you ever visit Hogsmeade?

~~~~~

Most lovely Scarlett,

I am a boy called Gregory. My last name is Goyle, but you won't need to use it--just call me by my first name, because I want to be friends with you. You are the most pretty girl I have ever seen. Your ads are so steaming hot that I got burned when I picked them up! I am a Slytherin, and I had two girlfriends as of yesterday, but dumped them both when I saw your newsletter. I won't be playing any games with you, because you are too priceless. I have put 50 galleons in this note, because you are way too special for only 29 galleons and 16 sickles. My friend Malfoy is only giving you one sickle extra, so that means he doesn't like you as much as I do. And I am giving you 10 photos of me--TWICE as many as Malfoy. Please write back--I'd love to hear from you.

Love,

Goyle

~~~~~

What's up, Scarlett?

So, uh, I saw your pictures, and you're way hot. I'll slap 29 galleons and 16 sickles on you, and you can slap that Scarlett Letter thing on me.

Most thoroughly engrossed,

Terry Boot

~~~~~

Dearest Scarlett,

My name is Euan Abercrombie, and I'm a 17-year-old Gryffindor at Hogwarts. I'm in second block Potions right now, writing this letter. I wish you were here instead of Snape--he's a bore. I can't wait to drop him after doing my OWLs. His teaching isn't worth a knut--I've hardly learned one speck of information since I started Hogwarts last year. But you are worth so much more, from the look of your ad, which is why I'm giving you a full 29 galleons and 16 sickles. That's mean you're worth. . . um. . . I don't quite know, but it's a lot more than Snape. Hope you're having fun, wherever you are, and don't forget to write me back!

Euan

~~~~~

Scarlett,

I'm Zacharias Smith. I couldn't help noticing your curves. So I decided my pocketbook was too curvy, and emptied it of 29 galleons and 16 sickles. Maybe you could put one of the coins in your bra, and think of me every time it rubs against your skin. That would make me feel special.

Love,

Zach

~~~~~

Scarlett,

29 galleons, 16 sickles. Lay it on!

Blaise

**********

Lunch was a noisy affair that day. Every boy in Hogwarts had crowded together at their tables and were now clamoring excitedly about the hottest new rumor--The Scarlett Letter. The Gryffindors eagerly compared and critiqued Scarlett's photo advertisements. The Hufflepuffs earnestly discussed the new relationships they would start with Scarlett. The Ravenclaws argued over the effect this new newsletter would have on the school. And the Slytherins breathlessly reviewed all the plans they had for snagging Scarlett for themselves.

The girls, meanwhile, had retreated to the opposite ends of their tables and looked on at their male counterparts warily.

"A fad, do you think?" Susan Bones said worriedly. She had left the Hufflepuff table to join the Gryffindor girls. "The boys will get over her."

"Maybe," Katie Bell replied pensively. "It depends on how hot this Scarlett is. She may have all the boys on their hands and knees, but she can only put out so many newsletters before everyone gets tired of her. I don't expect her to last long."

"She'd better not," Romilda Vane said crossly. "I've been baiting Harry Potter for the past four months, and if she distracts him, I am going to send her a bound volume of nasty hate mail."

"I'm assuming Harry's too noble for that," Katie assumed. "He's not some loose gigolo."

"How do you know?" Romilda said in a somewhat injured tone, as if all her plans hinged on Harry being exactly the opposite of what Katie thought him to be. "A whole new side of him could manifest itself with the appearance of Scarlett. I'm not taking any chances."

"Ignoring how Harry treats this whole affair, I know the other boys will limpet themselves to Scarlett," Daphne Greengrass said. She had lowered herself enough to leave the Slytherin table so as to partake in the steamy gossip. "From the sound of it, Scarlett will be rolling in floods of mail by now."

"Seamus and Dean sent money for the newsletter," Lavender informed them.

"As did Justin Finch-Fletchley," Susan put in. "At least Ernie had the sense to refuse." She said this last bit with pride--she and Ernie had been dating for three months come next Saturday.

"Terry subscribed, too," Luna put in mildly, having wandered over from the Ravenclaw table. "I warned him against it (you know that young veilabats often disguise themselves as women in red bikinis), but he wouldn't listen to me. I wonder why?"

Daphne rolled her eyes at Luna's comment. "If all. . . er, veilabats look that great, the men wouldn't care if they were human or not. Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, and Blaise all subscribed to Scarlett's newsletter. That's all the Slytherin boys in my year--absolutely pathetic!" She paused a moment to give Lavender a strange look. "Did you say that Dean bought a copy? Won't Ginny be furious?"

Lavender waved the question away with her hand. "They broke up yesterday, everybody knows that," she informed Daphne in a bored tone. "Where've you been?"

**********

And so, in consequence, Scarlett spent a very busy afternoon dashing off letters, when she should have perhaps been attending to other matters:

Hey Vincent,

Your photos look hot. No chance of hooking up sometime, is there? I especially like the picture of you in your green sheer boxers--mmm, sexy. Make sure to keep in touch--I'd like to lay you sometime. And enjoy my newsletter--I have indeed enclosed a copy just for you. Enjoy!

Hugs and French kisses,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Hi, Terry,

This slapping stuff sounds like a good idea! I lift my slappable rear to the sky. You might see a pose like that in my newsletter, and many more like it!

Scarlett

~~~~~

So, Blaise,

Where exactly should I "lay it on"? How about your bum, or is that not intimate enough?

Kisses, and please enjoy my newsletter!

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dearest Draco,

Glad to help you out in your studies! I would love more photos--do you have a hand of glory? You could make some really great poses with that!

Can't wait,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dear Seamus,

I've enclosed my newsletter. I expect you to soak it by the time the day is out! Do you have any photos, by the way? I always love looking at hot Irishmen--I'd be in my own shower "doing stuff" right along with you!

Scarlett

P.S. Yes, I do visit Hogsmeade

~~~~~

Most lovely Dennis,

I'm sorry to hear that you're four galleons short. Tell you what: since you're a strapping sixteen-year-old that just happens to be pressed for money, I'll give you two weeks' grace. Enjoy The Scarlett Letter!

Scarlett

~~~~~

My dear Zacharias,

You sound like an absolutely fascinating person! A Hufflepuff and a Quidditch player--my, you are a busy young man. Maybe we can get "busy" sometime--if you're willing! And do you know what else? I'll put two galleons in my bra, one for each cup, and I'll think of you all the time.

Deepest love,

Scarlett

And so it went.

**********

"Gosh, I'm exhausted!" Hermione said as she sank down at the Gryffindor table at dinner, her bushy brown hair bouncing out of its loose bun.

"Busy day?" Parvati said. She often made small talk with Hermione, though they never went any further. Hermione was often uninterested in Parvati's gossip, and Parvati couldn't stand talking about school, as Hermione was often wont to do.

"Very," Hermione replied, out of breath. "I still haven't done Professor Sprout's essay, and it's due tomorrow!"

Ron, who was loading his plate with roast chicken and potatoes, raised his eyebrows. "That's very unlike you, Hermione, to leave off your homework until now," he said wickedly. "I finished that essay during History of Magic."

"Only because I fell asleep and we couldn't play hangman," Harry explained, rolling his eyes. "I'm surprised you didn't conk out yourself.

"I did the essay because I decided to keep ahead of things," Ron said loftily as he took a drumstick in each hand and began eating. "And also because Hermione's had a good influence on me."

"Thank you, dear," Hermione said, "but you shouldn't be talking with food in your mouth." She gently ran her hands through her boyfriend's flaming red hair, smiling softly.

"You think you've been busy," Ginny said crossly. "I have to write three feet on the Polyjuice potion, two feet on the correct use of the Teacup Charm, and I have to read about Muggle entertainment for Muggle Studies!"

"Muggle entertainment?" Hermione said with interest. "There wouldn't happen to be anything on porn stars in there by any chance?" And the two girls burst into giggles. Ron and Harry shot each other nonplussed looks, then returned to eating.

"Are we talking about Scarlett?" Lavender said, her full attention suddenly devoted to the inevitable conversation.

"Yes," Ginny said, still holding back a laugh.

"That newsletter has so much potential, doesn't it?" Parvati put in eagerly. "It'll be a wonderful study on what the Hogwarts boys do and don't want! Lavender and I have already bought a copy to share."

Ron dropped his drumstick on the floor, and it rolled off in a trail of grease. "You what?" he said, stunned. "You two aren't. . . aren't, er. . ."

"Lesbians?" Parvati supplied merrily. Ron nodded and blushed. But she laughed and said, "Of course not! But do you think that we'd ignore that newsletter? If we did, we wouldn't understand what the guys have to say about it, and that would be tragedy indeed!"

"We, at least, won't be behind times," Lavender said empathetically, and began eating her buttered zucchini.

Ginny languidly plucked a green bean from Harry's shepherd's pie and pushed it into delicately into her mouth. Then, in a most casual voice, she said, "Hermione's friends with Scarlett."

Parvati and Lavender both stared from Ginny to Hermione, wide-eyed, their food suddenly forgotten. "You actually know her?!" Parvati asked Hermione eagerly. "You know Scarlett?"

Hermione nibbled on a treacle tart while keeping a decidedly straight face. "Sure, I know her," she said. "We went to the same grammar school. She was two grades above me, but we were still best of friends."

"So she's eighteen?" Parvati said incredulously. "A bit precocious, advertising her body as soon as she's legal."

"A bit," Hermione admitted absently as she finished the last bite of her tart. "But she'll go far, I'm sure. She's so determined."

"Has she told you anything about the newsletter?" Lavender asked eagerly, leaning forward from across the table.

"Quite a lot," Hermione said with a sly smile. "Loads of secret stuff. She's given me a couple of previews."

Lavender hung onto Hermione's every word. "And those are--"

"--full of naughty stuff," Hermione finished succinctly and vaguely. "She has some photos, then some biographical information, as well as a few poems and anecdotes."

"Anecdotes?" Ron said. He was clearly engrossed in the conversation, for his chicken lay forgotten on his full plate.

"Stories, Ron," Hermione defined patiently.

"Any way we can find out more?" Lavender pressed earnestly. "Could we write Scarlett and ask her?"

"You could, but she probably wouldn't answer," Hermione says. "She's terribly busy. She's an actress by trade, so that loads her down with enough work in and of itself. But now that she has the newsletter to deal with, she's likely to get a number of new correspondents. She'll have hardly a moment of free time."

"Oh," Lavender said in disappointment. Even her zucchini seemed to wilt before her. "So she won't be taking any more letters. Too bad." She slumped down in her seat and nibbled at her vegetable for a moment, and they fell into a measured silence. Hermione, it seemed, kept deliberately quiet as she started on a parfait.

"Your parents would have a heart attack if they saw you eating so much sugar," Ginny told Hermione with a wry smile, as if she was deliberately turning the conversation away from Scarlett.

"True, they might," Hermione replied, taking another bite of the parfait. "But they're not here, so they'll never know."

"But what about Scarlett?" Parvati suddenly burst out, unable to keep quiet any longer. Hermione turned towards her, clearly amused that Parvati and Lavender were now paying more attention to her than they ever had in the past.

"What about her?" Hermione replied mischievously.

"Did she tell you more?" Parvati pressed. Ron looked up from his last drumstick, trying, and failing, to be inconspicuous as he drank in every word of the conversation. Harry simply shook his head and smiled, then returned to his shepherd's pie.

"Yes, she did," Hermione said as finished her parfait.

"Well, what was it?" Lavender burst out impatiently, clearly finding the deliberate suspense in Hermione's form of gossip quite mystifying. She and Parvati normally burped up their gossip in a large pile and tore it frantically apart in half the time it took Hermione to take another sip of her pumpkin juice.

"She gave Hermione a list of some of the subscribers," Ginny supplied, apparently less patient than her bushy-haired friend. "Cootes and Kirke and Sloper all sent in their money for the newsletter. And so did Colin and Dennis."

Lavender was quite pleased with Ginny's willingness to talk, and found her information quite amusing. "None of them are sixteen yet!" she said, laughing. "Don't tell me Scarlett didn't see this coming!"

"But of course she did," Hermione said reasonably. "She just didn't want to seem too. . . licentious. What kind of proper eighteen-year-old lady chases after boys five years her junior?"

"I guess even looseness has its limits," Harry remarked with a shake of his raven-haired head. "Who would have guessed?" And he continued eating his pie, as if he had never heard a word of the conversation.

"Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle also subscribed," Ginny added. "And that ass Zacharias."

Lavender and Parvati digested this information immediately, then regurgitated it out on the table again. "Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and Zacharias Smith," Parvati rattled off, clearly in her element.

"They're all cursed with horrible names," Lavender analyzed. "Unless they included some deceptively steamy photos with their submission, she's not going to think twice about them."

"And they treat us girls absolutely horribly," Parvati said, picking up where her best friend left off. "Pansy complains constantly about how Draco is always staring us down. I swear, if that boy checks out my boobs one more time, I'm going to hex him to pieces."

"Goyle's our real problem," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "He ogles Hermione and me in the halls constantly, then pretends like he wasn't. He's so obvious."

"And so obviously desperate," Hermione finished with relish. "He hasn't had a girlfriend in his life--there's no way he could pull a hottie like Scarlett."

"Draco might have a chance, though," Lavender said pensively, absentmindedly eating another bite of her zucchini. "He may be an arrogant Slytherin, but he isn't that bad-looking, and he could be pretty seductive to someone who didn't know him."

"And he and Zacharias both play Quidditch," Parvati pointed out. "That might give them a glimmer of an opportunity."

"What about Crabbe and Goyle?" Ron put in with a snigger, unable to keep out of the conversation.

Lavender burst out laughing, and accidentally dropped her last piece of zucchini on the floor. Wiping tears out of her eyes, she said, "No, Ron, they don't stand a chance. Crabbe's bad enough--what with him being so dumb he can't add two and two. But Goyle?? Goyle with the hideous pudding-bowl haircut and that vacant look that makes him look like he's been freshly Obliviated? Goyle who can't possibly catch a girl, no matter how hard and how long he tries? Goyle who everyone disdains, except for Crabbe and Malfoy, who are about the crappiest friends that anyone could ever find? Scarlett had better not waste her time writing to him when she could be corresponding with me instead. She'd never fall in love with Gregory Goyle. . ."

**********

Written on pink stationery with lurid, red heart:

My most darling Gregory,

I must admit, when I first got your letter from a handsome tawny barn owl, I expected it to be like all the others--full of the sweet nothings that spill forth from a boy's head when he's trying to hook up with a girl that he lusts after. Boy, was I wrong.

Your note was sweet and kind, especially your compliments on my ads. Though many people never guess it, I'm very insecure, and didn't know whether people would like me or not. But you do, and for that I am eternally grateful. And that you would dump both your girlfriends just to be with me--I'm touched! If there's one man in Hogwarts that I'd like to go out with, it'd be you. You pass all the others by a mile.

I don't know quite what it is about you that makes me find you appealing. Perhaps it's your wonderful, gentlemanly attitude. Maybe it's your hot, hot photos, which were MUCH better than the ones Malfoy and Crabbe sent me. Maybe it's because you seem a little misunderstood, even though you're such a gem. Or perhaps it's a combination of all three. Whatever it is, I would love to become your friend, and maybe even more. . .

With all my love,

Scarlett

A/N: I have finished this story, or at least the rough draft. It is nine chapters and around 80,000 words. I fit more into this story, however, than some fanfics authors would in twice that length. So stick around, because I'll be updating somewhat regularly.

Be warned, however, that there may be a few things that delay updating. First, I'm in school with 3 AP classes, so I may not get as much time to revise and post as I'd like. Secondly, some of the chapters in this story are very long (16,400 words for the longest), so it'll take a long time to revise. Thirdly, I'm trying to release the chapters at relatively the same time on my three sites, and one of them might give me trouble over the content (I'll try to cut out the borderline stuff before submitting to that site, however, so as not to cause a rejection). The first few chapters, however, are short and should be relatively easy to post up. So stay around and see if you like this story. Until then, well wishes.

Islander