The Scarlett Letter

Disclaimer: Gee, it still looks like I'm just Islander and not J.K. Rowling. If you think any differently, you should press the back button and commit yourself to some mental institution. That's all.

Chapter Three

The Test

Sadly, Scarlett was awoken more than once that night by owls bearing their overenthusiastic letters:

My Dear Scarlett,

You may call me anything you like. Heck, you can call me Moaning Myrtle if it makes you happy! As for meeting in Hogsmeade, the next trip to the village is on Saturday the 18th--not this coming Saturday, but the next. What would you say to the idea of a date? It sounds real wicked to me!

Love,

Zach

~~~~~

My Dearest Scarlett,

Bring it on? *moan of ecstasy* You bet! How would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me on the 18th? I'd really like it.

Goodnight kisses,

Vincent

~~~~~

Dear Scarlett,

Do you really need as much of me as you can get? You don't know how special that makes me feel! I think--no, I KNOW--that I'm in love with you. You are the best person in the whole world, and I couldn't wait until the morning to write to you.

By the way, I'm really mad at my friend Draco right now. Do you know why? He refused to let us go to your new fan club! Can you believe it?? I could have spent the whole evening admiring and discussing you, but he didn't kept simply because it was the Gryffindors that were running the whole thing. Can't you talk to him about it? I'd love it if you did.

Wishing you were here in bed with me,

Gregory

**********

The next morning, Malfoy dashed off two more letters, though neither of them were to Scarlett:

Father,

I hate you. I have loads of common sense! Why do you always have to be so disagreeable? Why can't I just have my fucking hand of glory?!?

Draco

~~~~~

Dearest Mother,

Father is being a dickhead right now. Would you please send up my hand of glory, seeing as he's going out of his way to inconvenience me? I know that you, at least, have enough trust in me to know that I'll put it to good use. Hope everything's going well at home.

With the greatest love,

Draco

**********

Meanwhile, up in Gryffindor tower, Ginny had just woken up. She pushed her way out of her golden comforter and through her scarlet bed curtains, yawning lazily. Her dorm mates were making a tremendous ruckus in getting ready. Dresser drawers banged, showers ran, and everyone was gossiping happily. Ginny sometimes marveled at all the noise four other girls could make.

Suddenly the door flew open, and Hermione bounded joyfully into the room, fully dressed and waving an open letter in her hands. "Ginny, you've got to see this!" she cried, laughing almost hysterically.

Ginny winced at the volume of Hermione's voice and clapped a hand to her ears. "Gosh, Hermione, I've just woken up," she mumbled. "No way you could tone things down a little bit, is there?"

"Oh, but you won't care!" Hermione insisted. "Not once you see this!"

"What is it?" Ginny's roommate Elizabeth bounded across her bed with her Hogwarts robes half-on.

"A letter," Hermione said brightly for Elizabeth's benefit. "Scarlett forwarded it to me. She sends me all the really good stuff."

Ginny looked down at the letter and gave it a cursory read-through.

Her jaw dropped. She read it through again, then again. Elizabeth, meanwhile, was jumping up and down over Hermione's shoulder, saying, "I can't see, I can't see! Who wrote it, Ginny? What's it say?"

Ginny shook her head in disbelief. "It can't be true, Hermione. . ." she whispered.

"It is!" Hermione said gleefully.

"Not Professor Vector??" Ginny breathed, staring at the letter again. "But you're right, it is!"

"What about Professor Vector?" Elizabeth said, peering over Hermione's shoulder once again.

" 'Please send your newsletter by the night post, so that I may receive it without the knowledge of anyone else,' " Ginny read aloud. "Wow, that's some secret she's trying to keep."

"She subscribed to The Scarlett Letter?" Elizabeth said incredulously. "I didn't think any of the teachers would have it in them."

"But it's Professor Vector!" Hermione exclaimed. "Oh God, how am I going to look at her in the same way ever again? I have her today second block--I'm going to crack up all class! I won't even be able to meet her eyes."

"Are you kidding?!" Ginny laughed. "No, this is excellent blackmail material! If she ever gives you any grief, just zap her with an oblique Scarlett threat, and she'll cave whichever way you wish."

"Are you sure. . .?" Hermione said doubtfully, running an unconscious hand through her bushy hair.

"Yeah, of course I'm sure!" Ginny said. She finally headed over to her dresser and pulled out a clean school outfit. "You're holding a second letter; who's it from?"

"Don't know yet," Hermione said. "I didn't get a chance to look."

She pulled out the letter. Meanwhile, Elizabeth took it upon herself to tell the other three girls in the dormitory about Professor Vector's secret subscription. Ginny took off her nightgown and donned her Hogwarts uniforms and robes. It wasn't until after she straightened her gold-and-red scarf that she looked up at Hermione again.

The bushy-haired witch stood in the middle of the room, gazing at the letter, aghast. She mumbled the words to herself, obviously through her sixth or seventh read-through. All the hilarity over discovering her professor's secret had disappeared.

"What's the matter, Hermione?" Ginny asked her best friend.

"It's. . . it's. . ." Hermione took a hold of Ginny's arm. "Let's get out of here." So Ginny, after snatching up her schoolbag, allowed Hermione to drag her out of the dorms and into to the spiral staircase, where they cloistered themselves in a windowed alcove halfway down.

"What's it say?" Ginny asked her friend concernedly. "You look like you're about to cry."

Hermione took a deep, shuddering breath and read the letter aloud by the bright morning sunshine. " 'Dear Scarlett, I wasn't going to get a newsletter at first, but my curiosity is too strong. I have scrounged around for 29 galleons and 16 sickles, and have enclosed it accordingly. Thank you, and I hope to enjoy The Scarlett Letter! Ronald Weasley.' " She looked at Ginny, a tear hovering in the corner of her eye. "He did it, Ginny. He wrote to Scarlett."

Ginny opened her mouth, quite ready to begin a furious diatribe against her brother. How could he scold her over looking at the Scarlett letter when he went behind her back and got himself a subscription? The hypocrite! She opened her mouth and had half-formed the first of many huffy words when she suddenly realized how hurt Hermione looked. And she realized--this was not the time to verbally thrash Ron. This was the time to comfort her best friend.

"Hermione, I'm sure Ron doesn't mean anything by it," she said softly, trying her best to keep the acerbic tone from her voice. "He's a boy; what do you expect."

"But he's my boy!" Hermione sniffled. "Not Scarlett's boy! She has too many boys already! Can't she spare at least one for me? Can't she spare the one who's supposed to be my boyfriend?" She raised her voice as she continued bemoaning this new unlucky development.

"It's not Scarlett's fault," Ginny said a bit testily. "It's Ron's. Look, he's just curious. What did you expect him to do?"

"I expected him to be faithful to his girlfriend!" Hermione cried. "Why can't he do just that?"

"Please, Hermione, lower your voice," Ginny said quickly. "We don't want anyone eavesdropping."

Hermione managed to hush her wails, but just barely. "If that's the way Ron's going to be, he's no longer my boyfriend!"

"Nonononono!" Ginny said quickly. "Don't break up with him--not yet!" Truth be told, she thought her brother deserved it. But, on the other hand, she realized that Hermione didn't. "He's just--he's just had a moment of weakness. That's it! A moment of weakness. . . Give him a bit of time, he'll pull through."

Hermione wiped away her tears as she gave Ginny's words a moment's thought. Then: "Well, all right. I'll give him until dinner. If he hasn't changed his mind by then, I'm breaking up with him."

"You might as well break up with him now. There's no way he'll cancel his subscription so soon, especially not before he's gotten the first newsletter." Only Ginny didn't say this, as it would have only upset Hermione even more. Ooooh, but how she wanted to maul her brother at that particular moment!

"It's no fair!" Hermione wailed. "Harry would never do something like that! So why does Ron have to?"

"How do you know Harry wouldn't do something like that?" Ginny said, suddenly sulky. "He's certainly made no move towards me in the past six years. Who's stopping him from having a go at Scarlett?"

"But I just know he wouldn't do that to you," Hermione pressed, dabbing furiously at her eyes with a pure white handkerchief. "If you two were together, that is."

Ginny gritted her teeth. "Don't remind me," she said, touchy. "If you hadn't mentioned it, I might have gone for a WHOLE TWO MINUTES without remembering!"

"Sorry," Hermione said, another wave of tears overtaking her. Ginny was immediately ashamed over her outburst.

"But do you think we could get Scarlett to send a letter to Harry?" Ginny said, struck by sudden inspiration. "Just as a test?"

Hermione gave a sad sigh. "I suppose so," she said listlessly. "But I can hardly think about it right now, what with. . . what with Ron and all."

"I'll take care of it," Ginny said. "See you at breakfast." She flitted back up the stairs, and Hermione limped off in the opposite direction.

**********

"Good morning, Hermione," Harry said lazily as she bypassed Ron and took a seat next to her raven-haired friend.

"It is, isn't it, Harry?" Hermione said, a tad too cheerfully, as she took a large plate and began loading it with food. She looked like she wanted to say more, but thought better of it and sat down with a sigh.

"You okay, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Absolutely glorious," Hermione replied baldly as she began stuffing sausage in her mouth, barely managing to catch the grease on her napkin before it rolled from her chin and down her neck.

"D'you want to sit next to me?" Ron asked, attempting to keep the hurt from his voice.

Hermione pointedly ignored him and turned to Harry. "Tranfiguration's first today," she said brightly. "I can't wait! We're actually doing magic this time."

"I didn't hear you," Ron interrupted. "Did you say you wanted to sit by me today, or did you not?"

"I practiced all night," Hermione informed Harry. "I'm going to wow Professor McGonagall in class today--she'll be so proud!"

"Um. . . Hermione?" Harry cut her off. "Did you or didn't you want to sit by your boyfriend?"

"Ginny!" Hermione suddenly called, totally ignoring Harry's question in favor of jumping up and meeting her red-haired friend at the door of the Great Hall.

Ron turned to Harry, his brow furrowed, and asked, "D'you get the feeling that something's up with Hermione?"

"Don't take it personally," Harry advised him. "She just has her moments; tiptoe around her for a while, and it'll pass."

~~~~~

Over on the other side of the Great Hall Gregory, Vincent, and Draco were all in a bad mood. They were (predictably) arguing over (predictably) Scarlett. Namely: they each had differing opinions over who would hook up with the blond-haired porn star.

"You two don't stand a chance," Draco said scathingly, examining his shining nails.

"Uh. . ." Vincent said, clearly wondering how to hold up his side of the argument. "Actually, I do. I don't see why Scarlett would like you any better than she'd like me. I'm more romantic than you."

"Bullshit," Draco replied easily, taking a bite of his chocolate donut. "My slick blond tresses are sexier than your wiry and singularly unattractive crap-colored locks. My finely-defined features outshine your chunky build, and my silky skin is irresistible. I also has a better fashion sense that you, and lots more money. And my measurements are 9.52 centimeters long and 4.01 centimeters thick. She's going to fall for me like a ton of bricks."

"What good will those measurements do you when she's never going to see them?" Vincent retorted, unwilling to mention that his blond-haired friend was altogether too many centimeters larger than him. "You're a snob, and I'm. . . I'm perfectly polite and caring. She'll drop you like a bag of baby acromantulas. Then she'll take me to bed and make sweet love to me."

"The hell she will," Draco sneered. "She's not fucking a lump of sod like you when there's a doable treasure like me lying in her path."

"I don't know," Vincent said thoughtfully. "From what I read in her newsletter, I got the impression that she's game for pretty much anything. Maybe she might do us both."

"Now you're compromising," Draco said triumphantly, "because you know you're losing the argument! But there's no compromises--either she's doing you or not. And I say NOT!"

"I say DO!" Vincent retorted.

"I say NOT!"

"I say DO!"

"NOT!"

"DO!"

"NOT!"

"DO!"

"Actually," Gregory cut in, hiding a smile, "She's most likely to hook up with me."

"No chance in a dragon's belly," Draco returned dismissively.

"You can't prove that," Vincent added, glaring at Gregory.

"Yes, I can!" Gregory insisted. "Because she told me--" he suddenly stopped short, remembering how Scarlett wanted to keep her favoritism a secret-- "because she told me--because she told me that I'm very hot. . ." he finished lamely. His face fell as he realized he wasn't about to win the argument after all.

"Yeah, bloody right," Draco said with a wave of his hand. "She probably says that to everyone who writes her. You stand even less of a chance than Vincent, and that's saying something!"

"That's not true," Gregory said, his smile suddenly returning. "I have a fool-proof plan that'll ensure that she snubs you and hooks up with me."

"I'm dying to hear it," Draco said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Does it have anything to do with you flashing your 2-centimeter goods for her benefit? Because I seriously doubt that will work."

"No, it doesn't," Gregory replied coolly, not bothering to point out that his measurements were actually five times that length. "I'll simply write to her and tell you that you kept us from joining her fan club."

Draco stopped short. A blush crept into his face as he slowly realized that Gregory had, in fact, won the argument.

Vincent, meanwhile, flared up again. "I know!" he said angrily. "What was that all about, Malfoy? Do you hate Scarlett so much that you won't go do her fan club? You even had to keep your friends behind! She won't put up with that!"

"Don't be stupid!" Malfoy hissed angrily. "The club is run by Gryffindors! Overrun, in fact. Don't you know what it would mean, making pals with Creevey and Finnegan and the likes? We'd be a laughingstock!"

"Better to be a laughingstock inside that club than a normal Slytherin outside!" Vincent retorted. "We had every right to go to that meeting, and you stopped us!"

Draco gritted his teeth. "Damn, I can't believe you guys actually want to join that thing! Scarlett or no Scarlett, it's filled with BLOODY GRYFFINDORS!"

Gregory shrugged as he began packing his bag. "It may be hard, dealing with that lot, but at least it would put us in good standing with Scarlett. She'll make sure to find her fan club members a whole lot more doable than. . . other people." He waved his hand disgustedly at Draco with these last two words, then stalked off through the tables.

Draco sighed and slumped against his plate, his nose inches from cold eggs and half-eaten donut. He shook his head slowly and directed a lump of egg gently into a pool of syrup. A voice in his ear caused him to jump.

"Wouldn't you rather do me?" Pansy whispered sadly, her lips brushing against his earlobe. "Why do you need Scarlett, when I'm right here in front of you?"

Draco dodged away from her and shot to his feet. "The truth is," he said abruptly, "I don't need Scarlett. I don't need either of you."

He glanced longingly over at the Gryffindor table, though only for a second before he strode from the Great Hall, leaving his girlfriend in tears.

**********

"Okay, do take it personally," Harry whispered to Ron as Hermione ignored him completely and sat down next to Lavender and Parvati.

"But what did I do?" Ron asked as he morosely plunked his Transfiguration book on his desk.

"Well, you obviously did something," Harry said as he, too, pulled out his books. "And, by the way she's been acting, it must have been something pretty bad."

"She didn't say a single word to me the entire way up here!" Ron moaned as he slumped into his seat. "She just kept talking to you about our lesson and ignored all my questions. Isn't there anything I can do?"

"I have no idea," Harry said helpfully. "Looks like McGonagall is starting the lesson; we'd better stop talking."

And so, as the whole class began performing human Transfiguration, Harry and Ron continued their conversation between spells on a spare piece of parchment:

You don't think she'll stay mad at me forever, do you?

Probably not..

Good. I really wouldn't want to lose my girlfriend any time in the foreseeable future.

Haha, but by the way she's acting, she certainly seems to want to lose you. Do you think she might be breaking up with you?

Don't be ridiculous. Why would she want to do that?

*Sigh* I still think you did something to upset her, you clod. Can't you think what it must be?

Um. . . no?

Yeah, right, wanker. C'mon, has Intelligent!Ron packed up for the day? Go over everything you did in the last twenty-four hours. Something in that time span must have upset her.

Well, let's see--

Don't leave anything out, by the way. You can tell me EVERYTHING.

Good God, you look serious. When've you become my counselor? *Sigh* So--the last 24 hours. Well, I suffered in Potions, which was when I told Hermione that Snape was a bloody malicious fucker. Do you think that made her mad?

No, that couldn't have been it, Ron. She may have been scolding you, but she was really trying to hold back a laugh.

Okay, then. . . We went to Charms next. I purposely and maliciously hit Pansy with a well-aimed fountain of urine. Maybe that's why Hermione was mad.

Idiot! She KISSED you because of it!

Oh. Never mind, then. We had lunch after that, and I. . . oh, damn it! It must be my bad table manners!! She's breaking up with me because of my eating habits!! Harry, there's nothing I can do about it--please talk to Hermione, make her see sense!

Only one word, Ron: THINK!!!! Just yesterday at dinner she said that your table manners were vastly improving. Did you do anything during break?

No. . .

Anything during Defense Against the Dark Arts?

Um, not that, either. And she found our kissing session last afternoon most enjoyable. And I did nothing during dinner, either.

Did you go to the Scarlett Fan Club?

No, but I did subscribe to her newsletter. I sent the letter last--HOLY HOT BLOODY SHIT!!!

Yes, I see that you've finally come to your senses. That subscription just MIGHT be the reason your girlfriend won't talk to you.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!! Fucking bloody shitty wanking blasted Merlin! How the hell did she find out?!?!?!?!?

~~~~~

Meanwhile, at the other side of the room, Hermione remained sullenly silent as she practiced human Transfiguration with a group of sixth-year girls. With a thrust of her wand, Parvati's hair turned into a magnificently perfect horse's mane.

"Gosh, Hermione, how do you manage that?" Lavender sighed, running her fingers through Parvati's new hair.

"Don't jab your wand, just thrust it fluidly, and keep your goal in mind," Hermione said listlessly.

"Okay," Lavender said cautiously. She lifted her own and jabbed it forward. Hermione's bushy brown hair immediately puffed out to twice its size before rippling out into a very dubious crimson brush.

"Whoa, what's with the color change?" Hannah Abbot asked, touching Hermione's new disaster with a single finger.

"Scarlet?" Parvati said with amusement, drawing out a tuft of Hermione's hair. "Exactly what was your goal in mind, Lav?"

"Scarlet," Lavender repeated morosely. "Scarlet, scarlet, Scarlett. That's it--Scarlett's on my mind."

Hannah patted her shoulder sympathetically. "That hussy's getting to be a real problem for all of us. She's grabbed the attention of every boy in the school."

"Show me how you did that spell again, Hermione," Lavender said. Hermione complied, and gave Susan Bones a perfect mane and a tail to match. Lavender began trying the spell again as she turned back to Hannah. "Seamus has hardly paid attention to my flirting since Scarlett intruded in on our peace and quiet Monday morning. He always has his nose stuck in that Scarlett mag. It's most annoying."

"And, because of her, my seduction of Blaise is now simply dismal," Daphne Greengrass lamented. "And Pansy and Draco. . .! Ever since that newsletter, Draco has treated her worse than shit! Actually," she added as an afterthought, "he treated her like that before The Scarlett Letter came along, but it's all come to heads in the last few days. Pansy's my best friend, and it hurts me to see her in tears all the time."

Susan sighed. "Do you think there's anything we can do?" she asked. "Any way to get rid of her?"

The girls all pursed their lips pensively and fell into deep thought.

**********

Hermione was right. As she sat down in her desk in the front of the Arithmancy room at second block, she could hardly hold back a giggle. For a moment it didn't matter that she was still hurt and angry over Ron's betrayal; the idea that her own Professor Vector, a short, round-faced women in her early fifties, was ogling The Scarlett Letter couldn't help but brighten her dour mood. It felt good to laugh again, even if just for a moment.

Perhaps it was the fact that Hermione knew she had a certain power of her Arithmancy professor, but that day she didn't take any notes during the lecture. Instead, she wrote a note or two to Ginny, then attended to other business. For a while she forgot Ron, and instead enjoyed a quiet chuckle as she watched Professor Vector.

Halfway through the class Professor Vector stopped the lecture and assigned her class an essay, due at the bell. Hermione obediently pulled out a piece of parchment and began writing. However, she couldn't help pausing her composition to look up at her teacher.

Professor Vector spent a whole half-hour reading something (A certain magazine, I'll bet, Hermione thought with a smile) under her desk. After that, she began writing a letter. It was as she paused to think of her next sentence that the bell rang.

Vector jumped in surprise and said quickly, "Remember, test next class. And leave your essays on your desk. Granger, if you would please collect them for me?"

Hermione's classmates all stampeded eagerly towards the door to get to lunch while she stayed behind. She smiled wryly and began picking up each essay from its desk and piling it in her arms. She took a deliberately excessive amount of time so as to sneak a couple extra glances at Professor Vector.

It was as she picked up the third essay that the fireplace in Vector's adjoining office suddenly filled with emerald flames. Professor Flitwick tumbled out and brushed the ash off his robes, then entered the Arithmancy classroom. Vector jumped and suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

Her curiosity piqued, Hermione slowed her pace.

"Ah, Verity," Flitwick said gaily. "How's it going?"

"Fine, Filius," Vector said politely as she shielded her letter with her arm.

"Wonderful," Flitwick said, clearly unsure of what to say next. "Yes, absolutely marvelous. And. . . and. . . um, who are you writing to?" He tried to sound casual, but Hermione knew he was desperately searching for a topic of conversation.

"None of your business!" Vector snapped, whipping the letter out of his sight. Hermione stuffed her knuckles in her mouth to hold back a giggle as she picked up the eighth essay.

"Uh, sorry," Flitwick said contritely. "I shouldn't have. . . Heh heh." He twisted one foot around the other and took a deep breath. He exhaled, then inhaled again, as if steeling himself for a leap off the Astronomy Tower. "Er. . . Verity. . ." his voice dropped to a whisper. Hermione took the tenth essay in her hands. "Verity. . ."

"What?" Vector said impatiently. Hermione picked up the eleventh essay and slowed her paced.

"Um. . . about Hogsmeade next weekend. . ."

Hermione stopped completely and stood stock still.

Verity's manner became frosty as she hissed under her breath, "I've already said no, Filius. How many more times do I have to repeat myself?" Maybe, in her whispering, she had hoped to keep her favorite student from hearing, but Hermione caught every word.

"At least once more, Verity," Flitwick said like a true lovelorn idiot. "As always." Hermione hastily turned a laugh into a hacking cough as she picked up the thirteenth essay.

Verity surveyed the tiny professor with a patronizing gaze. "Good day, Filius," she said, finalizing the exchange. Hermione picked up the last two essays as Flitwick shuffled dejectedly from the classroom.

"Thank you, Granger," Verity said as Hermione handed her the essays. The Arithmancy professor tried to sound grateful to her favorite student, but Hermione could tell just how harried she was by her brief conversation.

**********

Many of the boys were lucky enough to receive a few short letters from Scarlett at lunch:

Dear Moaning Myrtle,

You did say I could call you Moaning Myrtle, didn't you, my Zachy-wacky? I think I will. It's such a beautiful name! From now own I'll even address the envelopes to Moaning Myrtle. What fun! Could you think of a nickname for me as well?

As for Hogsmeade on the 18th, I have to check my schedule. Between interviews, photo shoots, and five movies, a girl like me doesn't have much free time. I'll write you back closer to the day, and we'll see what happens.

Love,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dear Draco,

*Pout* I must admit, I'm a bit hurt. Did you really refuse to join my fan club? And you even kept your friends from going, too? Bad Draco! Please reconsider, and don't write me back until you've been to at least one of the meetings.

Cordially,

Scarlett

~~~~~

Dearest Gregory,

You don't know how terrible I felt when I learned that Malfoy had kept you from going to my fan club! You know how sensitive I am--I cried for ages. I don't handle rejection well, so when I learned that Malfoy had not only refused to go himself, but kept his friends away as well, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. You should reconsider having him as your friend, because he certainly isn't a good one. Give him a good punch from me.

And about Gryffindors running the club--that's perfectly all right. You should make friends with a few of them. I know that it's customary for Slytherin and Gryffindor to tear each others' throats out, but you both are a good bunch. But I'm sure you're already open to the idea of making friends with the lot. I can't imagine you being one the of the Slytherin boys who's been treating my friend Hermione like crap.

You know, I believe I'm in love with you, too. You are such a kind, sweet young man, and I admire your devotion and faithfulness. What would you say to a date at Hogsmeade on Saturday the 18th?

All my love,

Scarlett

**********

On a piece of dirt-smudged parchment in third-block Herbology:

She didn't talk to me during lunch, either, Harry!

That much is obvious. She seemed okay when she entered the Great Hall, almost as if she'd been laughing. But once she set eyes on you, she looked about ready to cry.

Okay. . . what should I do?

Unsubscribe to The Scarlett Letter, and quick.

Um, Harry, you should have written "quickly."

. . . What??

Sorry, it's just that Hermione's really hammered proper grammar into me. You made a common adjective-adverb mix-up.

You're changing the subject.

. . . Maybe.

Stop looking so shifty, Ron. Look, you really, really need to forget that newsletter.

But why? What harm is it doing to Hermione? I only want to look at Scarlett's pictures; it's not like I'm actually having sex with her.

You're still betraying Hermione by doing this. I'm dead serious. So what that you're not actually having intercourse with a scarlet harlot? It's the thought that counts. If you're thinking about it, it's just as bad.

C'mon, Harry. I'll merely read The Scarlett Letter for a little bit. Just one issue. That should keep me happy.

No.

No more than one.

No.

Just a few quick read-throughs.

No. Why do you want to do this so badly, anyway? Isn't Hermione enough for you?

Please, Harry, don't say stuff like that. Hermione's absolutely wonderful. In my opinion, she's perfect for me. But I'm a teenage boy full of hormones. Is it wrong to want to see Scarlett's pictures?

If you have a girlfriend, you're definitely in the shady area.

But I never get to see any of Hermione! She's always dressed so modestly, and in the winter she never wears less than long sleeves, a bulky sweater, and thick pants.

A girlfriend-boyfriend relationship isn't all about hormones, Ron.

I know, Harry. But I. . . I don't really know. I'm all confused. Do you truly think Hermione will break up with me over this?

Ron, she's friends with Scarlett. Scarlett will most likely tell her every single thing you do regarding this newsletter.

Darn! Why do girls have to be so nosy? And why can't they be more reasonable?

So are you unsubscribing?

No.

Make a list, Ron, of all the things you like about Hermione. Then go over it. Then think about what you'd be giving up if Hermione broke up with you over this. I'm telling you, you don't want to lose the people you love. Take it from someone who knows.

~~~~~

Ron shot Harry a furtive glance over the top of his Flutterbulb pot. His best friend, Ron realized with a twinge of guilt, looked quite miserable. The youngest Weasley brother couldn't help but thinking about the last note Harry had written to him.

You don't want to lose the people you love. Ron shot his raven-haired friend another glance. Is that what Harry's think about right now? He looks absolutely crushed. If that's what it's like to lose the people who you love. . .

Ron determinedly finished potting his Flutterbulb, then pulled out a spare piece of parchment and made a long list:

Things I Love About Hermione:

1: Her determination to get everything done properly and on time.

2: The way she always pushes me to do outstanding, instead of letting me settle for acceptable.

3: Her bushy brown hair, which is very warm in the winter.

4: Her vibrant smile.

5: Her colorful personality.

6: The way she bosses people around. Most people find it annoying--heck, I do, even--but it's also endearing. . . and sexy!

7: Her soft, red lips.

8: The fact that she loves me, too.

9: She's always pleased when I do well.

10: The way how she helps me correct my mistakes, but doesn't actually do it for me.

11: Her hands on my hips.

12: She never ogles other guys.

13: Her legs.

14: She may be a freaking genius, but she's also freaking fun to be around.

15: It's so easy to make her laugh, and so easy for her to make me laugh.

16: Her shining face.

17: Okay, pretty much her whole body. . .

And on it went.

~~~~~

Harry and Ron had a free period after Herbology. As they walked back up to Gryffindor Tower, Ron turned to his best friend.

"I've come up with an idea," The ginger-haired Weasley said.

"I'm all ears," Harry replied.

"I'm not going to glance even once at The Scarlett Letter," Ron said. "And I'm going to focus on being a good boyfriend for Hermione. In fact, I'm going to write a letter to Scarlett right now canceling my subscription. It might not make the evening post, but it should get to her before morning."

Harry smiled. "And you thought of that all by yourself. I'm so proud of you." The last comment, at least, was sincere.

**********

Meanwhile, Hermione and Ginny had taken private refuge in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Tiptoeing carefully around a large puddle of toilet water, they leaned against the sinks and were just about to begin talking when Moaning Myrtle herself floated through the door of her stall.

"Oh, hi, Hermione and Ginny," Moaning Myrtle said, her tone unusually bright.

"Hello, Myrtle," Ginny said cautiously. Hermione just sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye.

"What's the matter, Hermione?" Myrtle crooned, noticing the bushy-haired girl's tears. "Are you sad?" If anything, the idea of misery caused her great relish.

"It's nothing," Hermione said in a small voice.

"Oh, good," Myrtle said, "because I haven't got time to listen to the tedious problems of adolescence. I just heard it from Peeves that Nearly-Headless Nick takes a bath in the Prefects' Bathroom every month on the ninth at 3:00 in the afternoon."

"That would be today," Hermione said.

"That would be right now," Ginny added.

"Too true," Myrtle said brightly. "I don't know why he does it, seeing as a bath wouldn't do anything to a ghost, but that's not my concern. I have voyeuristic duties to fulfill! Pip pip."

And she disappeared down her toilet, showering Hermione and Ginny with a fountain of water.

Hermione sniffed again, and a tear mingled with the stale toilet water that clung to her cheeks. Ginny patted her shoulder comfortingly. "You're worried, aren't you, Hermione?" she said to her friend.

Hermione nodded. "I don't want to lose Ron, I really don't! But he hasn't changed his mind yet. I doubt he will." A procession of tears made their solemn way down her cheeks.

"I totally agree with you." Only, once again, Ginny kept back her true thoughts. Instead, she said softly, "Don't worry, there's still time. He won't disappoint you. And if he does," she added as an afterthought, "I'll make sure he pays."

Hermione dissolved into tears again. She slumped against the sinks and said miserably, "I made a list of all the things I love about Ron. And--and I realized just how much I'd miss him. I don't want to break up with him! But I don't want a boyfriend who's unfaithful, even if its only in his thoughts. I stand by what I said before: if he hasn't cancelled his subscription by dinner, I'm breaking up with him."

She dissolved in another fresh wave of tears. Ginny put her arm around her, and they stood in Moaning Myrtle's waterlogged bathroom for a long time, waiting and worrying.

**********

On a sickeningly flowery piece of parchment, scented heavily with perfume and delivered at dinner:

My most darling little boy,

Of course you can have your hand of glory, Draco! I have enclosed it in this post. I know you will use it wisely, and I will be having a very serious conversation with your daddy. Thank you for being such a wonderful son! I love you so oodly much!!

Kisses and hugs,

Your doting Mommy

~~~~~

Meanwhile, at the Gryffindor table Harry received his own letter:

Dearest Harry,

I am a great fan of yours. If I was a boy, you'd certainly give me a run for my money in the sexiness department! I think you'd make a good porn star; heck, you'd do even better starring opposite me! How's it sound? Or is it not your thing? Well, I just wanted to write and tell you how much I admire you. Not only do you have an incredible bum and wonderfully handsome black hair, but you are also brave and noble. That's a very difficult combination to find nowadays. To express my gratitude, I wanted to send you a free copy of my new newsletter, The Scarlett Letter. How does that sound? Reply by the next post, and I'll send another letter with the magazine.

Love,

Scarlett

Harry gave the letter one quick read-through, then dropped it disinterestedly into the pocket of his robes. He looked up and down the Great Hall, then turned back towards Ron.

"Nice black eye Malfoy's got," Harry remarked. "I wonder who gave it to him?"

"Whoever it was, we must send them roses," Ron said empathetically. He piled roasted lamb on his plate and began eating with relish.

"Someone must have socked him a good one," Harry said, pleased. "Maybe it was Goyle; if I had such an awful friend as Malfoy, I'd be punching him at least once each day. Ah, here comes Hermione!"

Ron jumped nervously and took a deep breath. "Do you think she's forgiven me?" he whispered to Harry, barely able to contain a note of panic. "What if it wasn't about the whole Scarlett thing? What if it was something else??"

"Don't worry," Harry whispered back. "She'll. . . she'll. . . well, let's just see what happens."

Ron stood up and took a few nervous steps toward his girlfriend. "Hermione!" he said, his voice masked with a false cheer that inadequately covered his agitation.

She didn't even look at him. "Hermione!" he cried in disappointment. "Please, talk to me!"

She passed right by him, making sure to shoulder him with her wickedly heavy schoolbag. Then she stalked off towards the Ravenclaw table.

"Hermione!" Ron called after her, now deeply hurt. "Don't leave me!" Neither of them noticed the owl that flew low over the Gryffindor table and deposited its letter on Hermione's empty plate.

"Hermione!" Ron cried again. He caught up with his girlfriend and was now inches from her bushy hair. "Hermione, say something!"

"WHAT?!?" Hermione screamed, whirling around so quickly that Ron stumbled a whole three feet backwards and nearly overbalanced.

"Please don't be mad with me," he whispered, his eyes filled with anxiety. "I. . . I can be a real prick at times, but I never mean to hurt you."

"Oh, do you not?" Hermione retorted furiously. "You never meant to hurt me, did you?" Tears of grief flowed through her irrepressible rage. "Well, YOU DID!"

The whole of the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor tables were goggling wide-eyed at the pair, unsure of what was going on. Parvati and Lavender clung on to every single word. But these insignificant details escaped the conflicting couple. "I. . . I. . . I'm sorry," Ron whispered, looking only at Hermione. "I--I've done some dumb things, but I'm really sorry now, and I really don't want you to be mad at me anymore."

"Like that's going to change anything," Hermione replied bitterly. "It's all what you want, and its nothing about me!" Tears ran unchecked down her face. "You, Ron, are so. . . dumb! You care nothing about me! Which is why I must tell you--" Here her voice wavered, then broke. She took a deep breath, however, and opened her mouth to continue.

But she got no further, because Ginny suddenly ran up to Hermione, waving a letter in her hands. "Hermione!" she cried out. "No, Hermione, stop!"

"What!?" Hermione wailed in anguish, whipping around to see what had her friend so excited. Every Gryffindor and Ravenclaw turned their heads to match her.

"I have something for you!" Ginny said happily. She shoved the letter into Hermione's hands and whispered, "It's for Scarlett--she sent it our way just in time."

Ron didn't hear his little sister. Nor did he understand when Hermione suddenly put their argument on hold to read this message:

Scarlett,

I have been rethinking things through, and have decided to discontinue my subscription to The Scarlett Letter. There are greater things at work that my overexcited hormones, and I just now realized it. So please don't send me the newsletter, because I will not be reading it. Thank you very much for your time, and may I wish you good luck with your audience.

Sincerely,

Ron

Hermione stood rooted to the floor, gaping at the letter. For a full minute no one said a word. Tears ran down her face as she reread the letter, the reread it again. It wasn't until then that Ron took initiative and broke the silence.

"Um, Hermione," he said, his voice a bit cracked, "I--I've been absolutely trollish in my decisions, but I've seen the light now. Please give me a second chance. For whatever I did, I'm really, really sorry."

Hermione handed the letter unconsciously back to Ginny, tears running down her face. "You are so, so stupid, Ron," she whispered, her voice choked.

And she grabbed him by the waist and pulled him into a deeply fueled kiss. Ron looked so stunned that he didn't react for a full second. But, as soon as he realized was Hermione was doing, he responded eagerly. The whole hall looked on in benevolence, but the oblivious couple didn't care a single jot. For an eternal moment they stood locked in each other's embrace, their appetent lips pressed together.

Then they broke apart. Ron was so stunned that he looked a bit loopy. Hermione was still crying, but a vibrant smile melted through the tears and lit up her countenance.

"I could never stay mad at you for long," Hermione whispered. "You are completely forgiven." And she pulled him into another kiss.

Luna had stood up and wandered over to the happily reunited couple. Surveying them with great interest, she said, "It's too bad we have no nargles to consecrate this blessed moment."

Hermione chuckled at her loony friend and pulled just far enough from Ron so that they could look into each others' eyes. "My dear," she said, "I do believe I have something to show you."

"What is it?" Ron asked, his curiosity aroused. "Will I like it?"

"Most definitely," Hermione replied, her smile widening.

"It doesn't have to do with school, does it?" Ron asked worriedly.

"No," Hermione replied, "but it involves a lot of studying."

"So what is it?"

Hermione gasped in feigned shock. "Oh, but I can't show you here! It's a most secret something--let's go a broom closet somewhere, and you can see every last detail."

Ron looked highly delighted and absolutely dazed as he and Hermione left the Great Hall in each other's arms. The doors closed behind them, and for the briefest moment there was silence.

Then everyone began talking again. Harry, however, stood silent, still watching the door his friends had left through. Ginny joined him a moment letter, and they stood beside each other for a while, their shoulders almost touching.

"They're perfect for each other," Ginny prompted conversation.

"Yes, they are," Harry said.

"I. . . wonder if I have such a man for me?" Ginny pushed. "If so, I hope he's as good as my brother."

Harry turned to face her and raised his eyebrows. "You're actually admitting that your brother is good?"

"Of course," Ginny said, fully sincere. "He's the kind of boyfriend any girl hopes for. Hermione is one lucky girl."

A/N: Next chapter--The Slytherins join the Scarlett fan club. Draco writes poetry (!!!), and something pushes Pansy (and, in consequence, the other girls) over the edge. Oh, and a nasty rumor about our favorite porn star is spread around Hogwarts. Stick around and read all about it! Please review, because I answer EVERY SINGLE review you send! See you later.