More Snape, With Feeling!

The trouble began after the first package from Fred and George Weasley. It contained little parcels for all their old friends - although most of these old friends were wise enough to leave their parcels alone. Lavender and Parvati, however, flattered that Fred and George even remembered them, let curiosity get the better of them and opened up their parcels.
A number of different sweets and candies fell out. Most of them had familiar labels - Skiving Snackboxes were there, and so were Canary Creams. They also each had a little foil wrapped chocolate with a note attached.
This is a special chocolate we're importing from Brazil. Of course, normally we just sell our own stuff, but this could generate serious interest. It's known as an 'Instant Date' because the eater of it will suddenly become more witty, more charming, and somehow even more beautiful without changing at all.
Whoever she then asks for a date will not be able to refuse. Tell us if you like it - F & G.
"Well of all the... the cheek of it!" Lavender burst out. "As if we can't get boys on our own."
"Eloise Midgen might have a use for it," Parvati said disdainfully. "But I certainly don't."
They both went to lunch feeling distinctly offended.

---

Such things, however, prey on the mind. There was a Ravenclaw guy - Chaser in the Quidditch team - who was gorgeous. Parvati couldn't stop thinking about him - and if she didn't get a move on, Padma would get him first. And no matter what a girl did, she just couldn't let her sister get a boy before she did. And of course she was already attractive enough, of course she was much more interesting than Padma and obviously much more courageous, but Padma had the distinct advantage of not only being just as pretty as her, but also in Ravenclaw. And... well, the chocolate couldn't hurt, could it? Fred and George had said that she wouldn't really change at all. No one would know... not even Lavender.
It wouldn't do any harm. She ate it when they'd finished lunch.

Lavender had a different problem, and it was in the shape of Seamus Finnigan. That boy really was terrible at getting his act together. After all the hints she'd dropped he still hadn't gotten any closer to realising that she fancied him. Why hadn't he asked her out? It couldn't be - oh it surely couldn't be - that he didn't find her attractive... The chocolate surfaced in her mind. She couldn't eat it... that would just be pathetic. On the other hand... Well, she only had one of them. The effect would probably wear out after a while... Surely it would. But it might last just long enough to persuade him that she was the one for him. And there was really no harm in that. She looked up and peeked at Seamus down the table. Why not? She ate the chocolate.

So Parvati had approached the Ravenclaw table, full of confidence, and invited the Ravenclaw chaser, Hank Baxter to Hogsmeade with her at the weekend. Hank had seemed taken aback, but had readily accepted. She couldn't wait to see the look on Padma's face!

And Lavender had boldly approached Seamus, smiled the smile she knew would be even more dazzling than ever, and asked him to Hogsmeade. He agreed instantly. Ah, things were going well.

---

In their afternoon Potions lesson, neither girl could resist making particularly girly giggles. Everything just seemed so funny. How was it, for example, that Neville Longbottom was still doing Potions despite Snape being his self-confessed greatest fear? How was it that Harry hadn't yet done the decent thing and got contact lenses and huge muscles? Heroes were supposed to do that!
And Snape. How could anyone find him frightening? He was so greasy, beaky and sarcastic. Lavender and Parvati didn't understand why they'd ever found him intimidating. They also couldn't understand why they'd wasted so much time following instructions. Snape had actually got them making furniture polish...

Lavender sniggered in a most ungirly fashion.
"What?" Parvati asked.
Lavender pointed to a page in another part of the textbook. "Look..."
Parvati looked.

Jelly Polish
How to make polish that renders every wood or metal surface into a jelly-like consistency...

The recipe that followed was rather close to that of the furniture polish. Parvati wondered why the recipe was so appealing. Normal furniture polish was boring. Wobbly furniture definitely sounded like fun...
They exchanged looks. Lavender went to grab the extra ingredients.

By some stroke of luck, the potion looked perfect by the end. Lavender doubled up her normal furniture polish for Parvati, and then they both saved some of the jelly polish. Snape was away from his seat, berating Neville as usual. Parvati grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"What?"
Parvati nodded towards Snape's chair. Lavender handed her a brush.

As they reflected afterwards, it was truly amazing how Snape's chair had remained stable, right until the point at which he sat on it. It was also quite amazing how he sank slowly, not quite realising at first what was happening, then his calm expression turning to horror as he fell right back. The sound was also truly melodious, like a gong ringing, wavering around a pitch. The aftermath wasn't particularly nice - he'd given Lavender and Parvati detentions for giggling, and Harry and Ron detentions for apparently doing the dirty deed, but the two friends still could not stop laughing.

---

After the Jelly Polish, more and more ideas came. Lavender charmed Harry's glasses to make him appear cross-eyed. Parvati sneaked her Canary creams into the staff room. Lavender put a 'Kick me' sign on Filch's back. Parvati charmed Hermione's hair to stand on end. Pranks were so much fun! In the common room that evening, they reflected on the day they'd had.

"It's strange," Lavender said, "I never realised messing around was so much fun."
"It has been weird. Still... You'll never guess what."
"What?"
"Hank's coming with me to Hogsmeade!"
Lavender tried to share her friend's excitement, but handsome and intelligent Quidditch players just didn't match her sweet Irish lover boy (yeah, it had to be love). "That's great, Parvati! I'm going with Seamus!"
"You asked him then?" Parvati queried.
"Oh yes. Of course..." She chuckled. "I didn't need any sweet to do it with."
"Oh, me neither," Parvati said airily.

---

Monday became Tuesday, and Lavender and Parvati had a very fun Divination lesson. Professor Trelawney had strangely become very boring recently, but it was such fun to write long and ridiculous horoscopes that involved baguettes, boys called Hilary, poodles and feta cheese. Lavender, however, became concerned.
"Parvati?"
"And then the aliens will abduct your feta cheese and carve it into a poodle shape, which will be revered as a god by all Aries Hufflepuffs... Sorry, what?"
"We've got three detentions already. What are we going to do?"
"Amazon women armed with sharpened baguettes will plunder your cottage... I don't know."
"It'll go on our permanent record."
"Our permanent record doesn't seem to matter that much anymore, you know?" Parvati said. Lavender had to admit that she agreed, but this was slightly disturbing.
"Parvati... Don't you think we've been acting weirdly lately?"
"The moon in the eighth house foretells that your wasp infestation will turn nasty and start demanding room service... Yes a little, I suppose. Isn't Hilary a really silly name for a boy?"
"Like Blaise," Lavender said. "Is Blaise a boy's name? You didn't happen to eat anything in that parcel Fred and George sent us, did you?"
Parvati went tight lipped. "No, no, why do you ask? Did you eat anything from it, Lavender?"
"Er... No, of course not," Lavender said hurriedly. There was a silence.
"You ate the chocolate, didn't you," Lavender accused, suddenly. Parvati was indignant.
"No, of course not!" She looked at her friend. "You ate it, didn't you!"
Lavender went pink. "No! Why would I? I can ask Seamus out without a chocolate!"
They looked at each other grimly.
"They tricked us," Parvati said.
"Yeah, they did... Who can help us now?"

---

There is only one person who can help you in such a situation.

"Hello Hermione," Lavender said brightly. Hermione stared at Parvati uneasily, as she had only just restored her hair to its usual state. "Tell me you haven't just graduated from the Alfonso Cuaron school of Hairdressing."
"I'm sorry about that," Parvati said. "I really am." Actually it had been hilarious but a little insincerity would probably help their cause.
"We've been tricked," Lavender said, getting to the point. "Fred and George did something to us, and now we've been acting..."
"Like Fred and George," Parvati completed.
"How strange!" Hermione said. Her eyes lit up at the chance of having an intellectual challenge. "I'll go to the library."

She returned an hour later, and placed an obscure potion book down in front of them.
"It's an Intellectual Heir Potion."
"A what?" Parvati asked.
Hermione put on her most intelligent face. "It was created by Daius X Makina in the seventeenth century. It requires bicorn horn, Doxy teeth, and a drop of the maker's blood... Essentially, Lavender and Parvati..."
"What?"
"You are acting like Fred and George... Because you are Fred and George."
Parvati recovered first. "What?!"
"But we're still us," Lavender cried.
"I know," Hermione said. "But the point of the potion is to inspire someone to finish the work you started - in the case of Fred and George, being pranksters. You can't help but act like them because they've put themselves into you."
"Yuck," Parvati said. "So how long does it last?"
"Until you've left Hogwarts, I'm afraid," Hermione said.
"But why us?" Lavender despaired.
"Maybe because we're uninteresting peripheral characters, and the series really isn't the same without Fred and George?" Parvati suggested.
A passing Hufflepuff prefect looked at them sternly. "No romantic irony in the corridors!"
Lavender picked up the potions book ("A Portfolio of Perplexing and Potent Potions" by Daius X Makina). She flicked through it and her face lit up.
"Parvati... I have a plan..."

---

"The Sound of Music!" Lavender burst out.
"No." Parvati was firm.
"What about the Pirates of Penzance?"
"I really don't want to have him spitting everywhere trying to pronounce 'I am the very model of a greasy hook-nosed psychopath'..."
"That's really quite good."
"Nothing rhymes with psychopath," Parvati insisted. "But I do have an idea..."

Parvati and Lavender had discovered some more of Makina's Perplexing and Potent Potions. In order to get revenge on Snape for the twenty-four detentions they had amassed during the last three days, Lavender had discovered the astoundingly improbable Musical Moments Potion.
"Essentially," Hermione explained, "It induces the subject to express their deepest thoughts in song, meaning that music accompanies them wherever they go."
Parvati and Lavender both looked extremely perplexed.
"Hermione," Lavender said, "How did you get here?"
"Sorry," Hermione said. "It's just you needed an intelligent explanation."
"Please go away whilst we're discussing out plans," Lavender said politely. Hermione left.
They had to pick a musical. After long arguments, despite the fact that they were both purebloods who'd never watched Muggle television, they decided on the obvious choice. It would have to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once more with Feeling.
Yeah, I know that's not logical.

---

Severus Snape was in a state of angst even more heightened than usual. He had to face it - he was bored. The Dark Lord was making him do more unspecified diabolical acts, the Slytherins he was supposed to be favouring were being annoying, and he just couldn't get over his crush on Hermione Granger. There was no doubt about it - he couldn't go on. He had to get out.

In his sixth year NEWTs class (why on earth was Neville Longbottom still in that class?) he was actually struggling to maintain his usual composure. For one thing, there seemed to be some kind of music playing somewhere. For another, apart from Brown and Patil, he was having trouble finding reasons to take points from Gryffindors... And he'd cracked and given every single Slytherin apart from Blaise Zabini, the androgynous quiet one, a T in their last test.

Brown and Patil were giggling. He heard Brown whisper, "It's going through the motions!"

How strange.

Before he knew it, he'd begun to sing. He actually had a rather nice baritone. Who'd have thought?
"Every single year, the same dull students
I have to try to enlight
Still I always feel they're just a nuisance
As for Crabbe and Goyle, they can hardly write
I can't make the news for boiling brews
That nobody can use

But I'm stuck here teaching potions
It's always been my part
When do I get Defence Against Dark Arts?"

They were all staring at him, but he just couldn't stop. And for some reason, some Slytherins were dancing in the back row.

"I was always cold and quite sarcastic
Now I find I'm weakening
Longbottom's attempts are all craptastic
Why even begin?"

Longbottom contributed, "It's got lumpy bits in."

"Just shove it in the bin!"

The Slytherins started to sing.
"He would scrub the floors with Gryffindors
But now this torture bores

Snape is tired of teaching potions
And tests aren't what they were..."

Malfoy started. He had a stupid, weedy, girly voice. Hah!

"We're not scoring quite as well as..."
He looked at his test paper, and saw the 'T'.
"Sir!"

Snape found himself pleading out loud.
"Will I teach this stuff forever?
Telling Malfoy's boy he's clever?

Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere.
"Severus, please stay!"
"Not ever!
I don't want to be..." It was time for a grand finale.
"Stuck here teaching potions
Losing my skin tone
Albus can't you see
This teaching isn't me
Why don't you all leave me alone!"

He stopped. What on earth had just happened to him? He hated singing! He hated dancing! He hated stupid made-up words like "craptastic"! And where had Dumbledore come from? Brown and Patil were looking smug, for some reason.
He ran out of the room.

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