Something Kinda Funny

Chapter 4: The Truth is Out There

"Sometimes the need to mess with their heads, outweighs the millstone of humiliation."

- Fox Mulder, The X-Files

Clover, I thought happily as I made my way to my old dorm in Gryffindor Tower, I'm going to have a daughter named Clover.

The idea of having a little girl was definitely growing on me, I couldn't wait to hold her and take care of her. I imagined sending her off to her first year at Hogwarts and smiled broadly. Assuming I lived that long, it'd be awesome to have a real family.

I beamed up at the Fat Lady and told her the password ('Cat rat bat mat') and bounced into the common room.

Hermione and Ron immediately pounced on me.

"Harry!" Hermione shrieked, throwing her arms around me "Are you alright? What happened? Are you in trouble?"

I laughed, "Calm down Hermione. I'm fine."

She pulled away from me and took in the expression on my face. "Wow," she said, "you certainly look happy. What happened?"

"Yeah mate," Ron said, jumping into the conversation, "you look... blissful."

I giggl - laughed, and motioned for Ron and Hermione to follow me up to the seventh-years' dorm. When we got there I pushed them both onto my bed, no wait, my old bed and closed the curtains. Casting a silencing spell so what I said would stay between us I started my story.

"I," I stated proudly, "am going to be a father."

"Well we always assumed you'd want a family," Ron said, "big house, lots of kids, a dog, and a gorgeous wife."

"No, no!" I said, realizing they didn't get it, "I mean I'm going to have a child this year!"

They both looked at me in shock.

"Sorry Harry," Ron said, breaking the silence, "could you repeat that? I thought I just heard you say you were having a kid this year."

I nodded happily, "I did! We're having a little girl. Her name's going to be Clover 'cause both our mom's names were flowers so it's keeping with 'family tradition' or something like that. I can't wait! At first I was a little nervous, you know? But now I'm over the moon! A baby girl of my very own, can you imagine?"

Hermione and Ron stared at me, wide eyed and I belatedly realized that the whole thing might be a little hard for them to accept. Or understand.

"Harry... Who? And, and... when? What?" Hermione seemed a bit confused; the smartest witch of her age couldn't form a coherent sentence.

Ron turned pale. "It's not Ginny, is it?" he asked, voice barely audible.

I shook my head frantically. "No, no, no, Ron!" I cried, "Don't worry! It's not Ginny! It's not even a Gryffindor!" I clapped a hand over my mouth, realizing that I may have let more then intended slip out.

Hermione snapped out of her daze. "Oh Harry!" she cried, throwing her arms around me, "I know you've always wanted a family of your own, I'm so happy for you! Who's the lucky witch and when's the wedding? I assume there's going to be a wedding."

I gulped, damn 'Mione and her smarts, she had me in a corner I couldn't escape from. "Er, no Hermione. There isn't going to be a wedding... At least I don't think so. And... well... It's not a witch."

"A muggle?" Ron suggested, looking even paler then before, "Please tell me you got a muggle girlfriend over the summer because she wouldn't recognize you as the 'famous Harry Potter' and you fell in love and... er... made love. Then, she got pregnant and you're both taking care of the baby but she's a free spirit and doesn't want to be tied down at such a young age."

I almost nodded in agreement, it sounded more likely then me raping Draco Malfoy and getting him pregnant, that's for sure. "Uh... no Ron. It's... well it's a guy. You know him, and I'd tell you his name but I'm not sure you'd be able to take the shock." I explained.

A moment later, looking at Hermione and Ron's faces I wished I didn't have the whole 'Gryffindor Honesty' thing going on.

"A... man? Harry that's impossible," Hermione said, sounding like she was talking to a three-year-old.

Ron obviously knew better, "Harry... That's some powerful magic and you can't... You can't without meaning to! Merlin... The name of your boyfriend is more of a shock then this? Please tell me you didn't sleep with Snape!"

"What! Snape? Eww!" I yelled, "Ron, come on, even by accident I wouldn't have sex with Snape!"

Hermione, having readily accepted the fact that magic could get a guy pregnant, still had a few questions for me. "If," she mused, "it takes strong magic to prepare a man for impregnation then how could you have gotten someone pregnant by accident?"

I blushed; this was the part I'd been dreading. "Well," I said, twisting my hands in the sheets on the bed, "When Voldemort kidnapped me he gave me a lust potion that made me rape... the other guy and when it was over he modified me memory. The other guy was a spy for our side and got caught, Voldie decided to get an heir out of me and him as punishment."

Hermione and Ron gaped at me.

"R-rape?" Hermione stuttered, "And you don't remember a thing? How is... the other guy?"

Before I could answer Ron spoke up. "A spy? Harry are you sure it wasn't Snape?"

Hermione and I looked at him, mouths twitching, before we burst out laughing.

XoX

Potter'd been gone an awful long time - not that I was worried or anything, just an observation. He told me he was heading up to Gryffindor Tower to get his things, dismissing my suggestion of letting the house-elfs do their job, and ran out of the room shortly after we'd decided on a name.

I glanced at the clock that, conveniently, actually told time. Can you imagine? No 'Draco is in the Great Hall' or 'Harry is in Mortal Peril' as he so often was, just the time. It was ingenious really but I digress, it had been half an hour.

I blame it all on being pregnant, but I was worried. Potter was no Slytherin and I knew the real reason behind his visit to the Gryffindork Headquarters was to tell his friends what had happened. What if they hadn't taken it well? They didn't look like it but they sure packed a punch, both magically and physically. Granger had one hell of a bitch-slap.

So, only half thinking about what I was doing, I waddled - yes waddled, shut up, you try being five months pregnant and tell me you can walk properly. Even if the spells hid my size from random observers all that mass was still there! - to Gryffindor Tower.

I reached the portrait that guarded the entrance and wondered what I was doing. Obviously I couldn't knock on the picture and ask to see Harry Potter. If, as I suspected, he had told his friends about his upcoming fatherhood then me showing up would be as good as telling them who the other father was. Even if Potter's friends didn't answer the knock then whoever did wouldn't get Potter.

I turned to leave, only to find myself face to face with Professor McGonagall. "Mr. Malfoy," she said coldly, "what, may I ask, are you doing in this part of the castle?"

Damn, I thought, it couldn't have been some stupid first-year it had to be a Professor. "You know about my... condition, right Professor? Well I was told that I should take walks for exercise to keep myself healthy while... you know," I said, thinking quickly. It wasn't like the location of the Gryffindor common room was common knowledge - although the way they all but broadcasted the location it should have been - so maybe I could convince her that I didn't know where I was.

My plan seemed to work as her expression softened and she began to gush over me. "Oh yes, you poor dear!" she cried, flinging her arms around me - I was surprised to say the least - and patting the invisible bulge that was by stomach, "I remember when I was pregnant with my first, horrible business. How far along are you? Morning sickness subsided yet?"

"I'm five months," I said proudly; glad to finally talk to someone who knew what I was going through, although the idea of McGonagall as a sexual being disturbed me, "and no more morning sickness, it's a girl by the way! We've already decided on a name for her."

McGonagall beamed at me. "Wonderful dear! And what did you two decide on?"

"Clover," I said, "because both our mothers have flowers s their names. It's like family tradition."

McGonagall squealed sounding uncomfortably like those two girls in her house. The seventh years, you know the ones - ditzy, boy obsessed, and stupid? Lilac and Party or something like that? Ah well. - McGonagall was all but bouncing in front of me with delight. "Clover!" she exclaimed, "What a wonderful name! Delightful!"

A first year Gryffindor came around the corner and gasped in shock. I suppose McGonagall's behavior was rather strange considering how she usually acted, but the gasp snapped her out of it and she cleared her throat authoritatively before turning to me and saying, "Draco dear, head back to your room. I'll send You-Know-Who down in a minute."

I nodded and smirked at the first-year who, having heard McGonagall say she'd send You-Know-Who down in a minute had assumed the worst and was having a panic attack.