A Very Sirius Christmas

Chapter VI

'Pass the crap,' Sirius said with annoyance as his mother placed a steaming bowl of tofu-laced, otherwise unknown sludge on the Blacks' supper table.

'Now, Sirius, that's really not very nice,' Mrs Black said, looking slightly hurt.

'It's an expression, Mum,' he replied through gritted teeth as he began to devour the poison, hoping to leave the table early.

'Oh. Well, I suppose we should start planning the party while we're all here together,' Mrs Black suggested. 'Even Cestie's here.'

Lily grimaced in horror as bits of Cestie's Witch's Brew for Witches, Too: Dietary Replacement flecked onto her cheek and food.

Lily turned to James and smiled prettily. She then made a gesture at the food and wrinkled her nose. James thought she looked rather cute, but he tried to sign in some way for her not to eat the food. He mouthed to her 'Don't eat the tofu,' but Lily was distracted as Louis and Lucy's shrill cries broke the air as their mother slopped their servings of the strange staple onto their plates.

Lily looked over to Sirius and noted that he was eating the food with rigorous force. He winked at her as his stomach gave a vociferous groan of complaint. Much to James and Sirius' chagrin, Lily picked a petite portion of the food, which happened to be three-bean casserole, or something resembling it, and raised it to her mouth tenderly.

Melanie took a sharp breath as Lily nearly consumed the bit, but fortunately she was distracted by Brianna. Ever since Lily had arrived at the Black household, she had felt welcomed and loved. However, there was one chip of ice that wouldn't let her rest. Brianna had seated herself across from Lily and had not taken her gaze away from her for a single moment.

She glared with such venom it was hardly imaginable. James didn't notice though, he was too busy staring lovingly at Lily. In order to mock James, Sirius sat just outside of his peripheral vision, his counterfeit lovesick gaze oscillating between Lily and James. With all the staring- and now Melanie had joined in to see what was going on- it was difficult for Lily to eat anything at all. Sadly, it did not stop her from taking tentative tastes of the 'food.'

'Well, I know it's a bit last minute,' Mr Black took up conversation again, referring to the New Year's Eve party he had suggested earlier in the day, 'but I think we could all have quite a bit of fun. Sirius, you can invite as many people as you'd fancy, this time.'

'What about me?! Don't I get to invite people? You're always leaving me out!' Brianna cried indignantly, finally breaking her vicious eye lock with Lily.

'You don't have any people to invite, Bri,' Sirius pointed out, grabbing a low-carbohydrate roll and stuffing it into his mouth, whole. 'I think it's a great idea, Dad!'

'Sirius just wants to have the party so he can hit on 'chicks,'' Melanie scoffed with contempt.

'Speaking of Sirius 'hitting on chicks,' Mum,' Brianna began, a devilishly impish grin of revenge on her face. 'I think you'd be interested to know what I found in Sirius' trunk about three weeks ago! I found a rather large box filled with ribbed con-'

'CARDS! She found my box of cards! The little joker, some of them have- they have ribbons on them, innit?' Sirius lied quickly. 'So about the party...'

'It's interesting, but it's really amazing how quickly he uses the cond-'

'CARDS! I certainly do trade those cards quickly.'

'Why, I looked in the box again the other day and there were hardly any left at all.' Brianna smirked, 'It's practically mathematical how they disappear every time he goes on a date.'

'Well, we know how Sirius just loves to trade cards with girls,' Melanie covered for him.

Brianna scowled as her sisters ganged up on her. It seemed they would always favour Sirius.

'Yeah. Maybe we could have some of our muggle family come as well,' Katherine suggested to draw the topic away, pretending to flick some dust off the top of her food as she fed it to the dogs, not too inconspicuously.

Lily was not quite as devious; rather, she continued to eat the food even though she began to feel rather hot and dizzy. James noted that her face, while a brilliant shade of maroon at this point, clashed terribly with her hair. James decided he would never buy her anything quite that colour.

'Hey, is Lily alright?' Sirius asked James as the maroon disagreeably faded into chartreuse.

'How should I know?'

'Oh... shit. Oh, god. Oh... oh... oh,' Lily said, looking as though she expected the roof to cave in upon her at any moment.

'You feeling okay, Lil?'

'Maybe she shouldn't be eating this...'

James reached over to move her plate away, but she twitchily cut him off-

'DON'T TOUCH IT! I'm... studying its habits...' Lily whispered, her eyes frantically searching the room.

'Right.' Sirius said, scooting away from her as inconspicuously as he dared.

'Lily,' James put his hand on her forearm in what he hoped was a calming gesture, 'are you-'

'DON'T TOUCH ME! ARGH!'

Lily tossed her plate frantically into James' face and promptly vomited on the table.

'OOOOH! Do it again! Do it again!' Lucy shrieked in delight as Louis clapped his hands together, seemingly mildly retarded.

'Ew. Sirius- Sirius, why'd she do that?' Samantha asked curiously, prodding the vomit with her fork.

'I... don't know. Don't touch it,' Sirius said, more to the twins than anyone else. They were edging quite near, and had a mean look about them- almost as if they intended to start a regurgitated food fight.

'Don't worry Lily, I'll save you!' James reached out to help Lily, but Mrs. Black got to her first. In her rush to transport the still-vomiting Lily to the bathroom, she knocked James out of the way forcefully, causing him to collide painfully with the kitchen counter.

The twins trailed after Lily at a safe distance and made retching noises while encouraging Lily to continue. Katherine chased after them in disgust, noting that their noises were almost as grotesque as the real ones coming from Lily.

'Lily!' James called through the bathroom door.

'Don't bother, she's busy,' Sirius said, leaning against the doorframe in a bored sort of way.

'Lily, I'm here for you, if you need me!' James continued, ignoring Sirius.

'James, cut it out before you make the girl sick again,' Sirius suggested. 'I don't know why she put that food in her mouth in the first place.'

'This is your fault, Sirius!'

'What? What did I do? I tried to warn her. It's not my fault your girlfriend's thick-headed and stubborn.'

'Is she still in there?' Brianna asked, sidling up to the door and cocking her ear to listen.

'Yeah, that girl sure can puke a lot,' Sirius told them all.

'I heard that, Sirius...' Lily groaned weakly from the toilet, before issuing another dry heave.

'Oh, that's too bad,' Brianna said nastily, not looking at all sorry for Lily.

Mrs. Black opened the door and looked down at her two children and James.

'Lily needs to rest now, make way.'

'She's not sleeping in my room!' Sirius told everyone quickly, before they got any ideas.

'You're right. Your room is no place for a girl,' Mrs Black said sharply.

'Hey, wait a minute! There've been plenty of-' Sirius began, but James cut him off.

'Leave it,' James advised out of the corner of his mouth.

Mrs Black led Lily up to Brianna's room, where her suitcase had been deposited earlier, and lovingly pulled back the bedclothes.

'You're putting her in my room!' Brianna shrieked with poorly disguised disgust. 'She ruins everything. Why is everyone mean to me. You're all horrible cows.'

'Shut it,' James told her quietly

'Yeah, Bri. No one cares for your melodrama,' Sirius called after her as she burst into tears and ran away down the hall.

****

Lily lay awake that night. Not only did the muggle medicine Mrs. Black procured for her create strange sensations in her head and stomach, but also she felt a little- anxious, or perhaps more along the lines of terrified.

She chanced a furtive glance over her shoulder and noted that Brianna still was glaring at her with venom enough to wilt a flower. Brianna let out a long, low breath that had an odd growling quality to it.

'You alright, Brianna?' Lily asked cautiously.

'I'm fine,' she answered through gritted teeth.

'Ok... well, I'm going to sleep now.'

'Good.'

Lily shifted around, trying to find some comfort, but she could still feel Brianna's eyes blazing into her back. Lily tried hard to ignore this feeling, but couldn't shake it off.

'Would you like a sedative, or some warm milk, to help you sleep, Bri?' Lily suggested helpfully.

'Don't call me that,' Brianna jerked all of the bedclothes over her. There were so many of them, she looked like some sort of bizarre polar bear.

'Would you like for me to lea-'

'Yeah, get out now!' Brianna commanded, already pushing Lily away.

Lily wandered out into the pitch-black hall, dragging her heavy luggage in her wake. While using the wall as a support, she tripped over one of the twins' misplaced toys and ended up ripping her shirtsleeve off. She finally saw a light at the end of the hallway, as James and Sirius were still quite awake.

****

'Bet that's not how you imagined Lily coming, huh?' Sirius mentioned to James as the two engaged in a fierce game of exploding snap. 'Betcha you weren't picturing your paramour puking up all over the place within two hours of her arrival. So, this is the brilliant return of Lily you've been looking forward to almost obsessively for the past six days, I bet.'

'What's it with you and wanting to bet all of a sudden. I thought we were just playing for fun...'

All of a sudden, a knock came at Sirius door, giving both of the boys quite a fright.

'I'll get it,' Sirius said stupidly, his shirt off. He leaped clumsily over all of his stuff and opened the door cautiously.

'GAH!' Sirius proclaimed upon seeing the dreadful appearance of the creature at the door.

'Hi, can I come in for a bit?' Lily asked unashamedly. She stood, her nightgown half-off due to her recent accident in the hall, still holding her suitcases and trunk with great difficulty.

'No!' Sirius said angrily. 'This is my room!'

'Yeah, come in Lily. Let me help you with your stuff.' James offered, reaching out to take her trunk.

'Oh,' Sirius said, sitting back down. 'That's how it's going to be.'

'Is it alright if I sleep in here tonight?' Lily asked James, sitting down next to him on his cot.

'Oy! What happened to you anyway? Have another bout of heaves?' Sirius asked brusquely.

'No, Sirius, I did not. My stomach is fully settled, thank you very much,' Lily told him testily.

'Then why do you look like you got trampled by a dragon?'

'Ask your sister...'

'What, did she want to talk to you? She gets really boring really quick, doesn't she?'

'Let's just say that glares of death are in no short supply in that room. They way she treats me you'd've thought I'd killed her cat with a screwdriver. What have I ever done to her, eh?' Lily said, giving Sirius' bedpost a kick.

'Oh, you've done something terrible, Lily,' Sirius said knowingly.

'What?' James and Lily asked simultaneously, looking at each other in puzzlement.

'You stole her main man, that's what,' Sirius thumbed at James, who was looking beyond bewildered.

'Oh, James is so cute and dashing. What a heartthrob!' Lily smirked, hitting James softly on the arm.

'I don't get it! Who's Brianna's main man? What are you talking about?' James asked incredulously.

Lily and Sirius looked sadly at James, then continued their prior train of thought.

'How long has she liked him?' Lily asked Sirius.

'Who!?'

'Oh, I'd say about- forever.'

'Who!?'

'That long, eh? It'd be almost endearing if she wasn't trying to kill me.'

'Who!?'

'Jesus, James, shut up,' Sirius commanded, hitting James really hard on his arm. 'Brianna likes you, moron.'

'Oh. Really?' James replied stupidly.

'So, can I sleep in here tonight?' Lily asked more of Sirius than of James.

'Lily,' Sirius began with a sigh, 'you know that I really like you a lot, but you see, James is my friend, and-'

Lily looked sideways at Sirius. Her glare quite clearly said, 'Ew. No.'

'Don't threaten Lily!' James told Sirius angrily.

'James, I'm tired, and you're obviously too tired to think properly. Let's go to sleep,' Lily yawned softly.

'Ok!' James brightened up considerably and waited for Lily to follow him to his cot. Sirius caught James by the arm as he walked by and turned him around.

'No.'

'No?'

'No. I may not be a gentleman, but you sure as hell are.'

'Oh.'

'Lily, you can sleep on the floor,' Sirius told Lily, pointing.

'Not going to happen. Have you seen your floor lately? I'd rather not have creatures nest in my hair, thank you. I love you James,' Lily abruptly lay down on the cot, pulled the bedclothes up over her head, and promptly fell asleep. Sirius did the same, turning out the light.

'Sirius?' James whispered into the darkness.

'Ugh- yeah, what?' Sirius grunted.

'Sirius, where am I going to sleep?'

'The floor, prat.'

'But- But the floor is infested,' James spluttered angrily.

'Do I look like I care?' Sirius turned on the light again and gestured to his face. It was not a very caring face.

'I want to sleep. I also would prefer to have all of my appendages in the morning.'

'It's my bed and I need it.'

'But it's big enough for four people!'

'It's my bed and I need it!'

'But I need it, too!'

'What do you want from me, you queer?!'

'I want to sleep in the bed... with you.'

'Exactly. No.'

'Please.'

'NO!'

James gave Sirius a bizarrely pathetic, and not a small bit creepy, look.

'If I let you, will you promise never to make that face again?'

'Yeah, whatever.' James happily jumped into the bed. Unfortunately for James, he would have been better off on the floor. Sirius was a terrible bedfellow. He slapped, he bit, he growled, he snored, he drooled, he had chase dreams. Often times his arms strongly resembled windmills. Just as James was noting how cute Lily looked sleeping, Sirius slapped his face with his elbow. James started having a wonderful dream, and Sirius' snoring sucked away any sleep James might have had. Sirius liked to sleep diagonally on the large bed. James curled into a small triangle at the end, as far away from Sirius' head and flailing limbs as he could, and finally fell into an unpleasant doze.

****

'James?' Lily called over Sirius.

Both Sirius and James grunted and made strange guttural noises.

'James, I'm cold.'

'Shut t'windah,' Sirius suggested groggily.

'I can't! I already tried, and it's really, really, really cold outside.'

'What'd'ya want me to do about it?' Sirius complained, a bit more awake.

'Can I sleep in the bed?'

'Shit no. Why?'

'There are more blankets.'

'Lily can sleep in the bed if she wants to!' James piped up enthusiastically.

'Ah,' Sirius smiled, raising an eyebrow handsomely. 'Lily, Lily, Lily. You've charmed me. Of course you can sleep in my bed. James, move over so Lily can sleep in the middle.'

****

Sirius slept rather uncomfortably on the cot. In fact, he had never been more uncomfortable in his own house before. The only time he could remember being more uncomfortable was whenever Remus kicked various people (usually Sirius, mind you) out of the dormitory at certain times of the month. Man can that werewolf be bitchy, Sirius thought, as he lay awake, staring longingly at his bed. It was the first time he could recall a girl being in his bed when he wasn't there, too.

Truly, Sirius was uncomfortable on the cot, but not nearly as uncomfortable as James felt, sleeping amongst the festering floor bacteria of Sirius's room.

END OF CHAPTER SIX

Hey! There's art that goes along with this chapter! Yes! That's right! It's a missing moments that happens, well you should be able to tell where. It's not very good, but it's funny, and that's what's important, no?

A link to silly art by Hillary: http://www.deviantart.com/view/12175783/

Check out my gallery too. (Such plugging. I am shamefaced.)