A Very Sirius Christmas

Chapter III

James and Sirius sat in the den, supplied with completely tofu-free hot-chocolate. James sighed deeply then cradled his chin in his palm. Sirius looked sideways at James for a moment. James sighed forlornly again. Sirius continued to watch him, not blinking or moving in any way. James stared down into the dark depths of his hot chocolate then gave an even louder sigh.

'Are you alright?' Sirius asked seriously, not breaking his penetrating gaze.

'Yeah, yeah... I'm fine,' James replied, letting out a deep sigh.

'Are you sure?' Sirius persisted, still not breaking his stare.

'Yes, I suppose,' James sighed. He switched his mug into his other hand, and then cradled his face again. He continued on in this fashion for some time, resembling a forlorn, lost man in a bar. (The sort that got really drunk then told wild stories of the girl who got away. You know the sort; with red noses and all.)

James sighed again-

'Alright, enough already. Just stop with the sighing and the forlorn, lost looks. Lily's going to be here in what, three days?' Sirius intervened.

'But... when you're in love, three days can seem like an eternity,' James sighed.

'What? Don't give me that crap. I coined that phrase with Darlene Jacobson to get her up to the astronomy tower on a school night,' Sirius reminisced, a smile playing on his face. 'Yes, as I recall that was quite a good snog.'

'I'm not talking about days, Sirius, I miss Lily,' James said in a pained voice, taking a long draft of hot chocolate.

'That doesn't make any sense, you drunken lovesick freak,' Sirius stated solemnly.

'I miss Lily,' James said despondently, staring into his now-empty mug.

'Nonsense, you just need more hot chocolate,' Sirius comforted, draping an arm around James and steering him into the kitchen. As they entered, they heard the sounds of the twins' squeals plus the clattering of pots and pans that told Sirius someone was baking. He and James cautiously peered around the corner to make sure that his mum wasn't the one concocting a 'master-piece.' They were both relieved to see his sisters and the twins busy working together on the grand mass of chocolate that was the Black's fondest Christmas tradition. Sirius, having checked to see that his mother was nowhere near the vicinity, rushed into the kitchen and eagerly stuck his finger into the deep bowl, which held a sumptuous-looking brown cake batter.

'No, Sirius,' Brianna scolded, whacking his hand smartly with her wooden stirring spoon. 'You can lick the dish after we finish the cake. You're going to contaminate the bowl.'

'Lighten up, Bri,' Katherine cut in. 'Sir, you can have a bit of batter. Just don't lick your finger and put it back in the bowl. That's just gross.'

'Mmmm,' Sirius told James, cleaning off his finger with apparent relish.

'There's, ah, not any tofu in this stuff, is there?' James asked, pointing suspiciously into the bowl. The room erupted into a fit of girlish laughter-

'No, James,' Katherine, the first to recover from her fit of giggles, breathed. 'We don't let Mum help out with it anymore. You can have a taste if you like,' she added, inviting James to copy Sirius' previous action. James blushed a little, and then quickly accepted her offer.

'James, you should have known that our Christmas traditions would never have involved tofu,' Sirius explained, spitting out the last word as though it tasted bad in his mouth.

'Right,' James cleared his throat, still a bit embarrassed by the laughter shining in all the girls' eyes.

'Don't feel bad, though, James. You have every right to be suspicious of food in this house,' Katherine sympathized, giving a wry grin. The other girls vigorously nodded their heads in agreement. Then, after stirring the batter for a moment, she continued, 'Bri, the batter is a little thin, could you bring me over that sack of flour?'

'Sure,' Brianna replied, heaving the industrial sized sack off the kitchen counter and bore it towards her sister. About halfway across the room, Brianna hit her foot on one of the dog's squeak toys, which had been strewn about the house by the twins. She tottered dangerously holding the large sack. All held their breath to see if she would fall as her weight dangerously shifted back and forth.

Brianna managed to catch herself at the last moment, but a thick cloud of flour misted out of the bag, covering her dark hair in a thin layer of white.

'Hah!' Sirius gleefully pointed. 'You look like a little old woman!' Brianna glared at Sirius, then grudgingly hauled the bag the rest of the way to her eldest sister.

'You do look like an old woman,' Samantha snickered. 'Just like Cestie.'

'Yeah, Bri, you're a spitting image of the old wench,' Katherine agreed, 'only... there's something missing...' She reached into the bag of flour and weighed out a handful. 'Yeah, that's it,' she concluded, swabbing the flour across Brianna's forehead, making no attempt to keep it from cascading down Brianna's front.

'I can't believe you just did that!' Brianna exclaimed in apparent disbelief. She looked down at her shirt, up at Katherine, then reached into the bag of flour. As Katherine was still busy laughing, she caught a swirling mist of flour right in the face.

'Oh,' Katherine coughed, inhaling most of the flour. She said nothing more, but began to throw fistfuls of flour back in retaliation. Brianna ducked out of the way of the rapid-fire shots of flour, letting several hit Sirius.

Sirius blinked benignly, coughing a little, then turned to face James.

'D'you know what I find just extraordinary, James?' Sirius asked, his face covered in white powder, looking much like a cheaply done ghost in a bad school pageant.

'What?' James asked, confused a bit by Sirius' sudden, out-of-place question.

'This,' Sirius explained, taking a handful of flour from the counter and tossing it in a high arc towards James.

'You did not just-' James began, but didn't finish his thought, he instead scooped up as much flour as he could and flung it into Sirius' face. Soon everyone had joined in the flour fight; Samantha soon jumped onto James' back and ground the flour down into his hair. The twins ran manically around and around, throwing the flour gaily up into the air like some sort of flower girls gone mad. In fact, by the time they had all tired, the kitchen was practically indistinguishable from the snow-blanketed countryside just visible out of the window.

'Hah, hah,' James laughed tiredly, slumped against a cabinet deep in the drifts of flour. 'That was great.' He took a fistful of his jumper and tried to wipe his glasses off, then he realised that his jumper was equally covered. The exhausted group of young people, collapsed on the floor from a combination of mirth and the processes of anaerobic respiration, sat trying to collect themselves to finish baking the cake. Sirius blinked through the mist of flour and noticed a dark shape at the breakfast table, huddled over a thick book. Everything within a two-metre radius of it was eerily flour-free.

'Mel?' Sirius asked bemusedly. 'How long have you been here?'

'I've been here since before you were born,' Melanie said sarcastically, not looking up from her venerable old text.

'I wasn't asking that, Mel,' Sirius said, not understanding. 'I meant, how long have you been in the kitchen today?'

'Since before you dragged your grimy, bacteria-infested finger through our perfectly good cake mix. I know you never wash your hands,' Melanie told him, still concentrating on her reading.

'So what if I don't!' Sirius cried, throwing his dirty hands up in the air. James couldn't help but snigger; he knew it was true.

'Alright,' Katherine announced, standing up and brushing herself off. She picked up her wand from where it had lain before, forgotten in the thrill of the moment. She waved it once casually and all of the flour easily disappeared. Ever since she had gotten married, Katherine put in as much effort into learning household charms as she had studying in school, especially after having the twins.

'Kate, can I pour out the batter?' Samantha asked, eyeing the pans her sister had laid out on the counter.

'That's 'may I,' and yeah, if you let Brianna help you,' Katherine told her, glad that, for once, someone else wanted to do the cooking.

'Hang on, can I (may I) have just a bit more before you cook it?' Sirius pleaded, trying to look appealing. 'In fact, why don't we just leave it raw.'

'I won't allow it!' Melanie intervened. 'You're not to put your greasy paw into the batter again. Now, put that stuff away in the oven before Sirius can get into it,' she instructed the others.

'Melanie has spoken,' Katherine muttered under her breath, picking up a cake pan and bringing it towards the oven. 'Bri, grab the other pan, would you?'

As Brianna followed Katherine to the oven, Sirius attempted to intercept her for one last taste of the chocolate concoction. Brianna shrugged him off, but he persisted.

'Aw, c'mon Bri,' he whined, 'please let me have one more bit of chocolate before you ruin it in the oven.' No sooner had the word 'chocolate' escaped Sirius' lips that the twins' faces lit up in equally devilish grins. They immediately charged the batter as a unit, knocking into the backs of Katherine's knees. Screams filled the cool air of the Black kitchen. Some were shouts of joy, filling the kitchen with triumphant shrieks of 'chocolate!' Others were more cautionary, calling out orders like, 'mind that oven door!' One cry, however, resounded above all the others.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!'

It seemed that, in the midst of it all, Katherine's cake pan had gone flying across the kitchen, landing on James' front. The twins seized this opportunity to tackle him to the ground and frantically lick as much batter as was not already saturated in his jumper. Katherine, laying where she had fallen on the ground, was torn between stopping her children from eating James alive and protecting the rest of the family from the open, pre-heated oven door. In the confusion, the unbalanced Katherine had swatted Brianna, and her cake batter along with the heavy metal pan had flown up in the air to land on Sirius' face, which was quite painful as well as humiliating for him. Melanie looked up from her book to watch the fun with relish. And Sirius...

In his blinded state, Sirius had lost his balance, and fallen. Now, Sirius was used to falling. It was unavoidable when you were as, ah, boisterous as he was. But Sirius was not prepared for what happened next.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!'

Sirius cried out as he landed on the pre-heated oven door, bum first. This was also painful and humiliating. It was really quite unfortunate for him, as none of the other people in the kitchen, save Melanie, were in any position to assist him. Sirius, unable to put his hands down for obvious reasons, did an awkward sort of roll to dislodge himself from the scalding metal. It did not take long for him to realise that his trousers were still smoking.

'AH! Putitout! Putitout! Put-it-OUT!'

Samantha was quite a bright and resourceful child, and she knew that to counteract something hot, she should use something cool. That's probably why Sirius felt cake batter several moments later being squished into his wounded arse.

'What the hell is wrong with you people!?' Sirius said, frightening Samantha into Melanie's lap.

'Now, everyone let's calm down a bit,' Katherine advised, pulling her rabid children off of James. 'Eww, sorry about that, James.'

'Hey! Hey! I'm injured!' Sirius called out, but no one paid him any mind.

'Brianna, are you alright? You didn't get on the oven, did you? I imagine it's quite hot by now,' Katherine comforted, helping Brianna off the ground.

'I need medical attention!' Sirius yelled, getting angrier and angrier by the moment.

'James, are you alright?' Katherine asked with concern, pointedly ignoring Sirius' furious rants.

'Kate, why don't you just learn to control your hellish children!' Sirius fumed as the twins struggled free from her and began scouring the floor for any missed batter. 'What kind of a rotten mother are you anyways?!'

Even the twins stopped their sloppy eating to see how Katherine would react. Dead silence roared in the ears of all who were present in the kitchen. All wide eyes were trained on Katherine. She looked near tears. Sirius took a single look in her eyes and immediately saw the damage he had done.

'I'm sorry, Katie, I didn't mean-' Sirius fumbled.

'No, Sirius, you're right. I am a terrible mother,' she said concisely, setting down the cloth she'd been using to clean off James' glasses and striding from the room.

'Er- James, could you deal with this?' Sirius asked as an afterthought, vaguely gesturing to the ruined kitchen, before following after Katherine.

'Ergh...' James replied, looking at the disaster area, covered by chocolate goo and weeping children. Melanie looked up from her book.

'Well, I'll just leave this to you, then, shall I?' Melanie said quickly before apparating up to her room.

'I-feel-BAD!' Brianna sobbed, throwing herself into James' arms and burying her face in his chocolate-smeared jumper.

James blinked around the room at the many weeping children, then back down at the blushing and sobbing Brianna.

'Eh... there, there,' he comforted uncomfortably, awkwardly patting her on the top of her batter-saturated hair.

****

At first Sirius was not quite sure where Katherine had gotten to, but luckily, she was very loud blowing her nose into one of the couch cushions.

'Er,' Sirius cleared his throat, 'Kate?'

'G-go awahay,' she sobbed miserably into the silk pillow.

'Can I, get you anything?' He tried again, advancing towards the sofa.

'No!' Katherine wailed through the thick layers of stuffing. 'Just leave me alone! You're the most cruel, callous, uncaring, insensitive, cold-hearted- ass! In the whole world.'

'Now, Katie, I think you've come off a bit hard on me. I'm not really all of those things, am I?' Sirius asked, mildly irritated at her descriptions.

'Yes you ARE!' Katherine choked, looking up from the pillow to glare at her thickheaded, numbskull, jerk of a brother.

Sirius took a few steps back, slightly repulsed by his sister's snotty, tear-stained face and puffy red eyes.

'Want a tissue?' he offered, grimacing as her tears fell unashamedly onto all of the pillows.

'Yes, but leave me alone!' Katherine buried her face in her hands once more, oblivious to the cake batter that still lingered on her clothes and skin. She turned her head slightly and saw that Sirius, contrary to her demands, had sat down ('OI, ME BUM!') next to her.

'Oh,' he said, 'well I haven't got one.'

Katherine glared.

'Well, here, have this, then,' he continued, pulling his jumper up over his head and tossing it towards Katherine. She quickly took it and loudly blew her nose.

'Yes, don't worry about that. It wasn't one of my favourite jumpers anyways,' Sirius said flatly, cringing as various filth reeked its way into his new, red Christmas jumper. He sat there quite awhile, waiting for her to say something- anything, even 'go away, Sirius.' Katherine snuffled vociferously into his sweater making a noise that sounded strangely similar to that of Cestie's dandruff-afflicted cat hacking up a hairball.

'Kate, I'm really sorry. You're not a rotten mother at all.'

'Yes, I-I am,' she whimpered.

'No-'

'Yes, Sir, you were right. I'm the worst mother in the world.'

'No, you're not. I didn't mean what I said. I was just angry...and my bum really hurt.'

'I am a rotten mother, though. I can't even control my own kids.'

'Dumbledore couldn't control your kids. Perhaps they can get out of control at times, but little kids do that. They're lots like me when I was that age... I was worse than them and I was only one kid.'

'Yeah, but- but...' Katherine dissolved into another bout of tears, silent this time, and stared blearily at something only she could see.

'You're still new at this and you'll learn. You love them and look after their well-being and that's what really matters. That's what really makes a great mum.' Sirius put a hand heavily on her shoulder and made her look at him.

'You are a great mum, Katie, really you are,' he said, sincerity oozing from his eyes at almost the same magnitude as the snot from Katherine's nose.

'Oh, Sirius, I- I-' If it was possible, she broke down into even louder hysterics than before. She fell into her younger brother's arms and burst into wet gasps.

Sirius stared down at her in alarm- surely he hadn't said anything that bad. He peered at her to make sure she hadn't cracked.

'Er, I didn't mean to upset you, Kate. Please don't be angry! I won't talk anymore if that's what you want.' While her crying was heart wrenching to him, Sirius had other motives as well. He was resigned to the fact that his once slime-free jumper was now ruined beyond repair, but he had hoped that his undershirt would stay clean.

'Oh, Sirius, I- I-' Katherine dissolved into strange hiccups, shuddering against his chest.

'Um, Kate, d'you want go talk to Mel? She is sort of a psychotic therapist-type thing, you know...' Sirius ventured, seeing whether or not this was cheering her up at all.

'No, no,' Katherine hushed him with a motion of her hand, 'it's just... it's just... oh, Sirius- that's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!' She then tightened her arms around him, enveloping him in a rather gooey, sticky, chocolaty hug. Sirius began to feel very uncomfortable, and decided that he either needed to escape quickly or squash this mushy sentiment for good.

'Yeah, well, I just know how to talk to women is all, don't take it personally or anything,' Sirius muttered.

'Oooh aren't you just the sweetest little baby brother anyone could ask for?' Katherine cooed, giving him noogies.

'Hey now! Stop that! You-' Sirius complained, he was about to comment on how a good mother wouldn't be behaving like that, but gracefully held his tongue for once.

'Oh my. I must look a fright!' Katherine felt her face and wiped her nose on Sirius' jumper. Sirius was about to say something to the extent of 'Yes, your face does look a fright, you should probably go and stick it in a bucket.' Instead, however, he refrained from making a blunt comment once again.

'Er-' he began, backing up slightly, squinting, grimacing, and pulling a strange sort of puckering face, 'you look, um...good.'

'Balderdash,' Katherine snipped. 'Flattery will get you nowhere brother, dear. I'm just going to nip upstairs to wash up a bit. Could you be sis' little helper and go check on the others in the kitchen?'

Sirius grunted in affirmation.

'Oh, Sirius, you're just a perfect little dear,' Katherine ruffled his hair as she stood up, tossed his jumper into his lap, and dashed away up the stairs.

'Little dear my arse...' Sirius muttered, holding up his stained jumper as he shuffled back into the kitchen.

Sirius could not have prepared himself for the scene that he met walking into the Blacks' kitchen.

James had managed to clean the kitchen admirably. Not a drop of chocolate batter remained on any surface, the children were as clean as if they had just stepped out of the shower into new clothes, and Sirius could smell the remaining batter baking in the repaired oven. In fact, it was a scene of perfect domestic bliss.

More than clean, the children had also stopped crying. In fact, they were cheerfully clapping and laughing.

James, who had forgotten in his cleaning to remove the flour and chocolate batter from himself, was standing in an open area of the kitchen. Brianna, Samantha, Lucy, and Louis had seated themselves round him in a semi-circle and watched with the utmost glee as he gaily juggled four wooden spoons, singing 'It's a Long Way To Tipperary,' slightly off-key.

'Well hullo Jamsie! Practicing for the circus, are we? Mind if I join in?' Sirius called from behind, having let James carry on a bit for his amusement. 'We can now add to your list of virtues 'works well with children.' Lily will be pleased.'

James immediately dropped his voice and his spoons in surprise, earning gales of laughter from the younger Black children as two of the spoons bounced noisily off of James' head in succession.

'It's not what it looks like!' James cried out in alarm. 'I was just- er- that is to say-'

'Oh?' Sirius arched an eyebrow, 'I think it's exactly what I think it looks like.'

'You must understand, Sirius, the kids were in hysterics! Brianna has a vice like grip! What would you have done in the same situation, eh?' James explained, crossing his arms and straightening his glasses.

'Want to go and do something then?' Sirius changed the subject abruptly.

'Yeah, alright. Oh! I can owl Lily!' he realized cheerily. 'Oh, but I'd better take a shower first.'

'Why do you need to take a shower before you can owl her?' Sirius asked.

'I can't owl her looking like this!' James pointed to his flour and batter encrusted hair and jumper.

'It's not like she can see you or anything, Prongs- oh, why do I even try? You know, all logic leaves your head when it comes to Lily.' Sirius held up his jumper again, 'Fine, you just go on into the shower and I'll go see if me mum'll clean this up...' Sirius wandered off calling out to his mother loudly.

****

After five minutes of pushing, pulling, furious body slams, and jiggling the handle, James was no closer to opening the door of the bathroom. Try as he might, the door simply would not open. He had tried magic-, it seemed that the door was not in fact locked by magic-guile, and brute force, but the door remained closed. It stood firm.

'Sirius!' James bellowed down the hallway, 'C'mere! You're bloody door won't open!'

'Ah! Yeah, that door is a bit tricky!' Sirius bellowed right back from the foot of the stairs, 'Give me a moment and I'll come show you the trick to it!'

'Sirius, I've been beating at the door for five minutes, come here now!' James demanded.

'My, you are demanding. I don't know how you and Lily are going to get along once you're married,' Sirius replied, abandoning his crusade for a clean jumper and slowly stomping his way up the stairs. 'Lily,' he mocked in a strange bass, 'fetch my slippers for me! Where the devil are my slippers? Get them for me now- I'm ridiculously demanding. Demand! Demand! Lily, you are too slow in bringing me my slippers! Give them to me now! I'm spoiled rotten and there are important things I must attend to! Things like... like... quidditch! And... wasting my money for no good reason! And smoking my pipe in my gold-plated smoking jacket and fez, while reclining in my gold encrusted-'

'Lily and I are not getting married yet!' James interrupted angrily.

'Yet!' Sirius called, poking James in the navel.

'Don't do that again,' James said, slapping Sirius' hand away from his navel. 'Open the door!'

'Demand, demand, demand,' Sirius muttered. 'Fine, fine. The things I put up with. Honestly, here I am, being a good friend and all, getting you out of trouble, and you're nothing but exploiting me.' James starred at Sirius for a moment, hoping that his condescending stare would compel Sirius to soon open the door.

'Sirius, I was really hoping that you might soon open the door,' James said in a low whisper, nodding his head at the end of his sentence.

'Oh, well you see- there's a trick to this door. It has quite an attitude problem... it depends on the time of the year usually. Well, you must perform for it or it won't open,' Sirius told him. James stood staring in disbelief at Sirius.

'Something festive ought to do it,' he explained, looking at the door in question.

'Why don't you do it then?' James asked.

'What? And have my sisters mock me? No thank you, James. I don't need to take a shower. I have no need to get into the bathroom. I think you're just going to have to open the door yourself.'

'Eurgh,' James muttered as he stepped up to the door, 'what do I have to do?'

'Hmm,' Sirius thought out loud, 'let's see... I think- why don't you sing?'

'I don't sing,' James said through gritted teeth.

'Oh, don't be silly Jamsie, of course you do! I just saw you doing it, and it was quite a lovely rendition of 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary' if I do say so myself,' Sirius said, nudging James towards the door.

'I'm not going to sing that ever again,' James protested fearfully, pushing back into Sirius to avoid the door.

'Fine, why don't you sing something else, then- A Christmas tune!' Sirius said excitedly. 'Why not 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas,' eh?'

'But it's not going to be 'we' singing, now is it?'

'Fine, fine. Well, what about, 'Here We Come a Wasailing?'

'Again with the 'we-' wait, here we come a what?'

'Never mind, you're being quite difficult. Well, you can sing my personal favourite song, 'Jingle Bells.''

'I don't feel very 'Jingly' right now, Sirius-'

'Jingle Bells, Snapey smells, so does Mr. Filch, Mrs. Norris joined the chorus- quick let's get away!' Sirius sung out, terribly off key. Melanie stuck her head out of her room and shushed him quickly with a strange look on her face.

'Think not...' James decided.

'Why not 'Ding Dong Merrily on High?' Can you think of anything wrong with that?'

'Well, I-'

'No! You're just stalling for time now; we're singing it- well, you're singing it. I'm just going to take a few snapshots.'

'Fine,' James cleared his throat and began singing very lowly and in the quietest voice he could produce. 'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven th-'

'With feeling, James. No door's going to open for that.'

'DING dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing. Ding dong verily the sky, is riv'n with angels singing.' James finished. Sirius motioned for him to continue. James took a deep breath-

'Gloh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oo-ria, Hosanna in excelsis.' James glared as Sirius shouted-

'This is my favourite part. Do it again, again!'

'No. Why isn't the door opening, Sirius?'

'The door can hardly hear you, can it? It's nearly as old as Cestie. You need to sing with much more vigour!' Sirius declared with a grand all-encompassing gesture. He watched as James repeated the song much more loudly and with somewhat more feeling. The door remained in place.

'Would it hurt you to smile? And move around a bit. The door thinks you're a lifeless boor,' Sirius suggested. James repeated the song again, an evilly manic grin on his face.

'Sirius, it doesn't look like the door is going to open...'

'Why don't you dance around a bit? You know, really get into the song,' Sirius put in enthusiastically. 'The door loves it when I do the motions for 'I'm a Little Teapot!'

'That's ridiculous, I'm going to go find another shower,' James made to leave, but Sirius grabbed his arm.

'The other showers are, er, they're... well, I'll help you! You're just not doing it properly, that's all. I'll help out with the 'Gloria,' that's where you tend to lose it,' Sirius decided, dragging James back in front of the door. They both began the song, Sirius really getting into the words and adding some interpretive dance to them.

'DING dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing. Ding dong verily the sky, is riv'n with angels singing.' James couldn't help but smile as Sirius merrily danced about and sang with such tremendous off-key gusto.

'Gloh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-'

By now a large crowd of bystanders had emerged from various activities to see what the fuss was about.

'O-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oo-ria, Hosanna in excelsis. Gloh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oo-ria, Hosanna in excelsis!'

'Bravo! Bravo!' Mrs. Black and Katherine called as they finished the song. James turned beet red as he realised that the entire Black family, Cestie included, was gathered about the hallway.

'I'm glad you've gotten into the holiday spirit, boys, but, ah, what exactly are you doing?' Mr. Black asked.

'Caroling, Dad. What did it look like we were doing?' Sirius said over-exasperatedly.

'Yes, I saw and heard that, but why?' Mr. Black answered.

'Well, we were trying to get the bathroom door to open and Sirius explained to me about the trick and...' James trailed off, looking at the bemused looks on the Blacks' faces.

'James and I love to sing, don't we James!' Sirius told everyone, putting his arm around James' shoulder and clutching him bracingly.

'But Sir, you said that-oh...' James said, looking to Sirius and seeing the mischievous glint in his eye.

'Well, sorry to leave you all without an encore, but shove off, show's over, there's nothing more to see here,' Sirius barked, shooing everyone away.

'I'm not going anywhere!' Cestie crowed obstinately, gripping the sides of her wheelchair.

'Yes, Cestie. It's time for you to go and take a nap,' Sirius rolled his eyes, placing his hands on either side of the wheelchair to push her back into the spare bedroom.

'I'm not going anywhere, Sandra!' she cried out again, whacking Sirius forcefully in the gut. 'Unhand me you vile fiend. Let go of me!'

Sirius said nothing. He simply pushed the old crone back into the room, slamming the door behind her.

'So,' Sirius said with a jolly grin, dusting his hands off, 'you want to take a shower, do you?'

James looked at Sirius, staring insolently.

'How - do - you - open - the - door?' James said precisely, pronouncing each syllable very clearly.

'Oh, well, we keep this door locked when Cestie's here. The key's just there setting on the doorframe,' Sirius said nonchalantly gesturing up towards the dusty ledge.

James angrily grabbed at the key from atop the door, knocking it to the floor in the process. He bent down to snatch it off the carpet, looking daggers at Sirius, then roughly jammed it in the lock. After making an indistinct noise of anger, James, with a gusto-filled, over-exaggerated sweeping gesture, flung the door open with open malice. In fact, he threw the door open so hard that it ricocheted off the wall with a loud crash, and came back to hit James in the face with equal force. After all, Newton's Third Law applies even in the magical world- for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction...

But James' thoughts were as far from old, dead scientists' theories as they could be. As he held his broken glasses in his hand, his eyes not focussed on anything in particular, he grunted in a voice that might have suggested satanic possession:

'Don't, just don't.'

Sirius didn't hear him though. You would have thought that Sirius had been the one hit by the door, judging by the way he was lying spread-eagled on the floor, gasping for breath as he convulsed with laughter.

****

After a lengthy shower during which James was certain to remove all chocolate batter residue, he peered meekly out into the Blacks' upper storey hallway. His newly repaired glasses were still steamed up from the surplus of hot water as he checked yet again for any signs of life.

Normally, James would have no qualms with walking directly from a bathroom into a hallway- actually, at home he had no problem walking directly from a shower cubicle into a hallway completely stark naked- but as he was a guest, and, unlike his house, this one contained many people, he decided to be modest. In his angry haste to get into the bathroom, James forgot entirely that his clothes were covered with sticky, edible goo. Because of this, he really did not wish to continue wearing those clothes in his current, sanitary condition. So, one hand clutching his dirty clothes, the other firmly clutching his too-small white towel round his waist, James stepped cautiously into the hall.

With Sirius' bedroom door less than two metres away, James was fairly certain he would not meet up with anyone. Sadly, fairly leaves some room for error. James had barely put one damp foot into the hall; the first drop of warm shower water had fallen from his hair (as if in slow motion), making a nearly inaudible 'splish' on the carpet below, when a familiar, cynical voice met with his ears.

'Oh, hullo, James. I was just looking for you. I've been meaning to warn you about some upcoming events,' Melanie said casually, having emerged from her sacred lair most called her bedroom. Sirius often referred to it as the single largest library he had ever seen.

'I- er- well- I sort of forgot to, uh, bring a change of clothes...' James explained awkwardly, wishing he had the strength of character to remain as casual as Melanie.

'I can see that,' Melanie smirked. 'Well, if you do find some clothes, make sure you put on your warmest jumper. In fact, a well-placed heating charm wouldn't be a bad idea either.'

'Er-' James replied, feeling very puzzled.

'You, my very lucky friend, are about to participate in the Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual of Christmas tree hunting,' Melanie explained, her face suddenly darkening into a scowl. 'It used to be a 'family thing.' Everyone got to participate. We'd go out, pick the first tree we saw, and Dad would bring it back to the house with a hovering charm; but ever since Sirius turned eight and 'became a man,' a simple family tradition has turned into a ritualistic blood-lusting hunt that takes at least seven hours and must take place after twilight.'

As Melanie continued on with her caustic bitter tale of woe, James was suddenly given a quite vivid mental picture of a very small Sirius stating firmly with large sweeping gestures, 'We have to pick the tree at night! We must visualise what it'll look like at night!'

'So you see,' it seemed that Melanie had carried on for some time while James was lost within his reverie, 'none of the women ever wanted to go again, and the males felt the need to satisfy their over-built egos to pick the frigging tree.'

'Surely it's not all that bad...' James said softly, after making sure that Melanie had finished what she was saying.

'Imagine the worst possible scenario- for example, how you'll feel when Brianna brings up your abstinence at the dinner table once Lily's here- now, add being cold, wet, and out in the dark with Sirius for eight hours.'

'Oh, well I can deal with cold...' James replied tentatively.

'Oh yeah? Have you ever tried to cut down a tree- with no wand?! In the middle of the woods, then carry it back to the house- with no wand?! You'll be 'roughing it,'' Melanie smirked evilly, before retreating off somewhere into the bowels of her room.

'But... but... I thought you said that your dad used hovering charms...' James said weakly, leaning against the wall.

'Not anymore!' came the reply from behind the closed door, containing a single distinguishing factor- a large red sign that read 'Keep Out, Sirius- Or ELSE!'

As poor James sat against the wall in utter shock, he noticed another presence in the hall. Brianna had been walking down the hallway throughout Melanie's speech. It seemed that she had reached the top of the stairs just moments after Melanie had emerged from her room. Brianna had just passed James, turning the corner at a pace a tortoise could have easily beaten. The thing more astonishing than her speed was the fact that Brianna's head remained centered on James, even though her body continued to move forward.

James hurriedly collected himself and quickly rushed into Sirius' room in haste. Thankfully, no one else had seen him in his near nude, makeshift loin clothed state. Sirius lay sprawled on his bed, playing loud Beatles music and completing his air drum solo with flair.

'So. I'm to suffer through the 'Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual of Christmas tree hunting,' am I?' James asked as he unceremoniously tossed his dirty clothes in a pile under his camp bed.

'You've been talking to Melanie again, haven't you?' Sirius accused, starting on his air-guitar solo. 'James, do me a favour and never talk to her again; all she'll do is make you as bitter and pessimistic as her.'

'I don't think Mel's all that bad,' James replied, digging through his trunk to find some untainted clothing.

'Oh, but she is,' Sirius shot at him, taking the time to pause his solo.

'Come on, Sir, don't you think you're being a little unfair to her? I mean, she does put up with a lot of teasing and shit from you and the rest of the family,' James reasoned, pulling on his socks with a disgusted face. 'These aren't my socks. Where did they come from?'

'Oh, those are mine- toss them here. So, she's not a complete horror, I'll give you that,' Sirius replied, 'Hell, I'm probably closer to her than anyone else in the family...Oh, by the way, James, Brianna is lusting after your body.'

'I know. Anyways, how so?'

'Well, she's only three years older and we've shared a lot together and I dunno... she just sort of understands me... she probably knows me better than anyone in my family... of course she probably knows everyone in this family better than everyone else does since she likes to pick apart our brains with her bizarre psychologistic experimentation,' Sirius finished, going back out of his 'deep' mode and returning to the music at hand. After all, the air saxophone must be played- well, someone has to do it.

James rolled his eyes at Sirius, who was quite busy with his task. Then he shook his head in defeat: there was no saxophone in this song.

After heavily charming it, James pulled his jumper over his head, doing nothing to aid his messed up, slightly damp hair.

'So. We're going Christmas tree hunting?'

'Yup.'

'It'll be cold and miserable?'

'Hell no James! It's just us and nature; as God intended! To be free! To hunt down our prey! To kill our prey and bring it back to the pack so the pups can feast!'

'It's amazing how much that sounds like something a dog would do, you know?'

'Gee, I wonder why that is, James. You're dumb.'

'Sarcasm goes unnoted...' James murmured, before shaking his head again in defeat. There was still no saxophone in the song.
James began to feel a little skeptical of the 'Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual' of Christmas tree hunting at this point. It seemed all that Melanie had foretold would come true. Considering that their 'prey' was going to be a perfectly harmless tree, James couldn't very well see how the 'pups' were going to 'feast.'

Only a dog would think like that... carnivorous canines... so much less regal than deer.

END OF CHAPTER THREE