A Very Sirius Christmas

Chapter V

A pair of eyes flashed brightly behind a pair of spectacles from the Black family stairwell at four-thirty on Christmas morning. A shadowy figure clutching a tartan robe closely to it slunk along the banister and snuck stealthily towards the living room.

Melanie Black softly chuckled in triumph as she leapt into the dark, empty, present area.

Hah! She thought to herself. This year, I'll be the first to Christmas. He can't beat me this year. No one in their right mind wakes up at this hour. Suddenly, she laughed quite maniacally, raising her hands into tiny fists of glee.

'Finally!' two exasperated voices called in unison from somewhere near the Christmas tree. In a panic, Melanie hurried to throw the lights on. Amid the presents beneath the tree, in full Lotus position, sat Sirius with Samantha in his lap, holding a large brown teddy. Both of them had identical scowls of impatience plastered on their faces.

'What?!' Melanie cried indignantly.

'You've certainly taken your dear, sweet time. Sammy and I've been up for nearly two hours now!' Sirius said rather boredly.

'Bu-Ve-Fi- NO!' Melanie sputtered. 'It's not fair!'

'Fairness has nothing to do with it, Mel.'

'Yeah! Life's not fair!' Samantha explained.

'I got up at four-thirty in the bloody morning to beat you!'

'I suppose you should have gotten up earlier, then. If you aren't going to try harder, Mel, you might as well not even compete,' Sirius told her, flicking a bit of dust off of Samantha's teddy.

'Ergh!' Melanie argued as she sat down beside them. Soon she brightened up considerably-

'Oooh! Stocking!' she pointed suddenly to the hearth. Within seconds, she had quickly snatched her own monogrammed stocking from its nail and was busy ciphering through her small presents.

'You can't do that! That's against the law!' Sirius informed her angrily.

'That's wrong, Melanie. That makes you morally corrupt.' Samantha added, repeating several phrases she had heard before, usually in context with Sirius' name.

'Stockings are fair game,' Melanie scoffed, stuffing a particularly fat caramel into her small mouth.

'Says who?' Samantha demanded haughtily.

'Says me and many certified psychologists, now, do you want your stocking or not?'

****

'I don't care about the family tradition, Sirius; there is no way you're going to sit in my lap!'

'Melanie, come on. We've done this every year since- forever!'

'No!'

'Come on, Melanie, you're the oldest, so you've got to be on the bottom.'

'Have you noticed that Sirius has grown quite a lot? I thought you were smart, Samantha.'

'But you gotta let Sirius and me sit in your lap until Mum and Dad get up, that's what we always do!'

'No! No! NO! Sirius weighs twice as much as I do, and you're no paperweight. There is no way I'm going to let you sit in my lap!'

'You're just bitter because you're smaller than everyone else!' Sirius proclaimed.

'No, I just don't want to be crushed by your three- hundred pounds of non-muscle!'

'I do not weigh three-hundred pounds, and I have very developed muscles, thank you very-'

'Would anyone like some Christmas tea?' Mrs Black said serenely as she flicked the lights on.

'Yeah, that sounds fine, Mum.'

'Sure, whatever.'

'I want seven cubes of sugar, Mum, and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of milk!'

'Alright, well, why don't you kids go get everyone else up so we can open your gifts, hmm?' Mrs Black suggested, bustling off into the kitchen.

'We have permission; we can do whatever we want!' Sirius exhorted, dashing away up towards his bedroom. He threw open his bedroom door, quickly did away with the window hangings, was disappointed to find that it was still completely dark outside, and then roughly shook James with a bark of impatience.

'Wake up, it's Christmas!'

James twitched uncomfortably.

'Father Christmas has come and gone, James! December the twenty-fifth is upon us! Get up you great lump, get up!' Sirius added with a kick.

James moaned and muttered something about burnt toast.

'It's Christmas! You know, that lovely day of celebration where we trade gifts and celebrate the birth of Christ?' Sirius asked patiently. 'There are presents, food, carols, sweets, food, presents... food.... Uh, well I want to open up my presents NOW, so get up!'

James rolled over and pulled the bed clothes up over his head.

'Oh, hullo, Lily,' Melanie called from the doorframe.

'Huh?!' James sat up abruptly, quickly smoothing his hair and looking around blearily.

'It's Christmas. Put on your glasses, go down the stairs, sat your arse on the sofa and wait there until I come for you,' Sirius dictated, rolling his eyes at James' slow pace.

'Move, James, move! We don't have all day!' Samantha ordered, turning purposefully towards Katherine's room.

'Day?' James wondered aloud, but the other three had already moved on down the corridor.

'Samantha, open the door quickly,' Melanie instructed her younger sister. Samantha nodded solemnly and threw back the door.

Simultaneously, Melanie and Sirius began to shout:

'There's chocolate! In their bed! Get it, now! Quick! Go, Go, Go! It's in their pockets!'

Katherine and Sean were mildly surprised to be awoken by shrieks of maniac children pulling and digging throughout the bed, squealing about chocolate.

'There's no chocolate here!' Lucy called shrilly, her nose violently sniffing the air.

'Oh, my mistake,' Melanie drawled, inspecting her fingernails. 'It must be downstairs on the sofa. You'd better drag them there, quick.'

'Go now, Daddin!' Louis shrieked into his father's ear, before ruthlessly biting Sean's arm.

'I think our work is done here,' Samantha told the other two, approaching Brianna's door.

'Let me get her, this year.' Sirius grinned satanically, reaching for the door and slamming it open.

'It's Christmas! It's Christmas! It's Christmas! Get UP!' Sirius proclaimed, bouncing up and down about on her bed as the door repeatedly ricocheted off the wall from the force of its opening.

Brianna slept on, her face completely buried into her pillow.

'Brianna, wake up! Time for presents!'

She still did not move. Sirius leant down very close to her face, and drew breath so as to shout quite loudly. However, he was interrupted at that point by Brianna quite suddenly swinging up and slapping his face with force enough to knock him across the bed and onto the floor. Sirius gaped in disbelief as she lowered her face back into the pillow. He mouthed wordlessly as he gingerly held his reddening cheek.

'Oooh! That'll leave a mark!' Samantha called from the doorway. Furiously, Sirius leapt to his feet and ran at the bed.

'Argh! Christmas!' he bellowed as he attacked her bed, unceremoniously wrenching her from the sheets. Before she could protest, or slap him again in the face, he heaved her out of the room and began to drag her down the hall. He had nearly reached the living room sofa before, without warning, she sucker-punched him in the kidney with both of her fists clasped tightly together. Sirius had never known such pain.

'Tea?' Mrs Black offered as Sirius spit out a long string of curses. She dropped the tray in astonishment and bustled back into the kitchen with tears in her eyes.

'Mum? Mum, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it- I didn't mean it!' Sirius called as he limped weirdly after Mrs Black, holding an arm back to massage his injured kidney.

'Right, well, I think we ought to go and get Brianna and Father out of bed,' Melanie said decisively.

Sean had collapsed onto the sofa, and Katherine was busying herself with the retrieval of a festive afghan from the back of the couch. James had thrown himself to the floor, dragged his semi-dead body under the coffee table, and curled up into a small, snoring ball.

'Where's the chocolate? Chocolate! ChocoLATE!' The twins screeched eerily from the inner depths of the Christmas tree, as they leaped monkey-like from branch to branch, biting each of the ornaments in turn to test for possible chocolate content.

'Fine.' Melanie rolled her eyes and reached for the banister. 'I'll just do everything myself, then.'

The living room was silent for several moments, and the only sounds that could be heard were Sirius' persistent apologies coming from the kitchen. After several minutes, a very red-faced Brianna slumped down the stairs with a baby blanket clutched tightly around her, as Melanie followed with her arms crossed, looking very smug indeed.

Brianna refused to make eye contact with anyone, particularly James, although it did not particularly matter since James was, in fact, fast asleep on the rug.

Sirius stumped out of the kitchen huffily.

'Well I suppose she's not talking to me any more,' he complained loudly. Suddenly noticing Brianna, he let out and indignant shout of: 'You! How did you get here!'

'Walked,' she replied moodily, watching Melanie with utter loathing as Mel approached their father's bedroom.

'Only Dad's left,' Samantha said, looking towards the darkened doorway with anxiety.

'Yes, well, it's time for one of you to go and get him up,' Melanie instructed.

'Well, I bloody well am not going to do it. You remember what happened last time I tried to wake someone up.' Sirius shot Brianna a dirty look and rubbed the spot on his back where she had sucker-punched him.

Everyone stared expectantly at Melanie.

'Fine,' Melanie gave in, rolling her eyes. 'I'll just do everything in this household, then!'

Melanie entered the black abyss that was the master bedroom and closed the door behind her. The Black family waited tensely, straining their ears towards the door, for the screaming, cursing, and inherent breaking of china that was sure to come.

'Maybe someone should go in, you know,' Sirius suggested into the utter silence. 'Just to make sure she's still alive...'

A few moments of silence passed before Melanie walked out in front of her unshaven father.

'Dad's ready for Christmas,' she explained tersely.

'PRESENTS!!!' Sirius proclaimed, leaping up onto the couch with glee and gesticulating wildly with his arms.

'Presents! Presents! Presents!' Lucy cottoned on, leaping nimbly from the Christmas tree.

'Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!' Louis joined in at the twins' customary high pitch. Lucy suddenly stopped her screaming and turned to her brother-

'It's presents, Louis,' she told him calmly.

'Oh...' Louis nodded in understanding.

'Presents! Presents! Presents!' The two began their harmonious shrieks again.

'Gift Time!' Sirius called, already having waded waist-deep into the present pile. He was busy tossing other people's gifts aside as he stacked up the parcels with his own name. Suddenly everyone in the Black family was scrambling wildly to sort their own gifts.

'Come and get your bloody presents out of my way, James,' Sirius called to his friend as he encountered several large gifts obstructing his hunt.

'What?' James called drunkenly from beneath the coffee table.

'Your presents are in my way, get them out!' he called impatiently.

'But my parents already gave me my gifts, remember?' James yelled from his slumber.

'We gave you presents, moron,' Sirius told him, unceremoniously tossing a particularly large gift towards James' face.

'I get to go first!' Samantha told everyone domineeringly. 'I'm the youngest.'

'You're not. Louis and Lucy are far younger than you,' Melanie contested.

'No. James gets to go first because he's the guest,' Mrs Black stated firmly.

'NO!' Samantha protested.

'Wha-?' Sirius added.

'It's really quite alright. There really was no need to even get me presents. Please don't bother yourself over me, I don't even want-' James stammered, glancing nervously at the daggers shot at him from all sides by the younger Black children, Sirius included.

'NO!' Mrs Black shouted, her eyes blazing. 'James goes first! And no arguing!'

Those members of the family aware enough to understand her words suddenly fell silent. Katherine gave a large snore from the sofa as she turned over.

'Alright...' James said uncertainly.

'Here James, dear, this one is from me...'

****

'I'm going to name him Snuffles, after my bear that died,' Samantha cooed, hugging close the enormously adorable black puppy that had just wizzled all over one of Sean's gifts.

'That's a good name,' Sirius agreed, grinning at the puppy.

'But... where've you been hiding it, Sir?' James asked warily, looking at the bow-topped dog.

'Under my bed, of course,' Sirius waved the question off. 'Since I gave the best gift, I get to go next! We're skipping you, Brianna.'

'But that's not fair, you skipped me last round, too!' Brianna protested.

'No one cares what you get. You're dumb,' Sirius told her, hastily unwrapping a book-shaped package.

'I hope you like it...' Mrs Black fretted, wringing her hands.

'Oh Mum! I love them! You know how I accidentally set flame to the sheet music for Opus 64 Number 8 last fall! I'm going to go play right now!' Sirius eagerly clutched the piano books to his chest and began to dash towards the Blacks' large piano. He suddenly stopped, mid-stride. 'That is, I would play them if I played the piano... which I don't.'

'Open my present now, Sirius, open mine!' Samantha entreated, hanging onto Sirius' upper arm.

'Right-o.'

'But it's my turn!' Brianna complained futilely.

'Actually, we skipped your turn. It's mine,' Melanie said quietly.

Sirius quickly unwrapped yet another book-shaped parcel.

'What is this?' he said, flipping awkwardly through the thick, handmade pages of the fat book.

'Can't'cha read? It's a book. It's called How To Be the Bestest Auror EVER!!! by Samantha K Black. I wrote it. Melanie helped, some. But I did more.'

Sirius looked in horror as he read through the book. It contained sentences that showed no more than a menial grasp of the English language, accompanied by many graphic pictures. Most of them depicted a black-haired, blue-eyed individual suffering from death in many ways.

'Oh, that's my favourite page!' Melanie squealed with delight. ''If you're not really extra vigilant, this will maybe happen to you,'' she read loudly, holding up the picture for all to see. A figure that was clearly supposed to be Sirius was depicted half-blown up and halfway Transfigured into a fly man with several limbs missing. Something that looked suspiciously like intestines was hanging on its ears. Sirius noticed that Samantha had taken the time to border all of the pages with various macabre artefacts. Bones and internal organs were among the most frequent of these frames.

'Uh... Thanks, Samantha. I'll put it right next to my Bible,' Sirius grimaced.

'I knew you'd like it!' Samantha smiled innocently. She truly had no idea how gruesome it was.

****

'It's time for Christmas Tea!' Mrs Black called up the stairs, beaming at her perfectly decorated cakes and sweets, sitting arranged nicely on silver platters.

With a tale-tell thundering noise, every member of the Black family, James added, assembled in the multi-purpose room.

'Is everyone here? Where's Cestie at?' Mrs Black serenely asked.

'We're not waking up the wench,' Katherine said. 'She makes small children cry.'

'What a coincidence. So does Melanie,' Sirius grinned at his older sister.

'Ooh! Cookies!' several members of the Black family noticed. Within moments, Mrs Black's painstakingly created sweets were no more.

'What time is it?' James hissed anxiously at Sirius, nervously flattening his hair.

'Why James, are you expecting someone?' Sirius asked sarcastically.

'You know Lily was supposed to be here five minutes ago, Sirius,' James said impatiently, completely missing the sarcasm in his nervous frenzy.

'Oh, that Lily girl is coming here, is she?' Brianna growled behind her teacup.

'James, I had no idea you were expecting Lily! I guess she'll have to sleep out in the snow... or with Cestie. Personally I'd chose the snow...'

'But- no! You come Lily said- here! Invite! You!' James sputtered, again missing the sarcasm.

'Well, I didn't know you even liked her. It's not like you ever talk about her...'

'What are you saying? I don't understand! You were there- at the school. Me-Lily- hat! Nee! You were there! You remember!'

'Oh, yeah, I had nearly forgotten that. But, really, it's not like you want to fu-'

'No! You not talk! I don't want to have sex with Lily!'

'Oh, really?' Lily said, dusting the ashes off of her jumper as she stepped out of the flue.

END OF CHAPTER FIVE