Weirdo Talkshow I

Weirdo Talkshow I Scene 2

Mini: Hello, and welcome back to Weirdo Talkshow. In the last scene, we didn't introduce ourselves *properly* so we're going to tell you a bit about our personalities.

Patch: Exactly. You see, Mini here is the smart one, which is why she is Little Miss I-Am-Never-Wrong.

Mini: It is always assumed that twins have roughly the same intelligence. Well, in Patch and Splat's case, those rules don't apply, because Patch's brain lacks a few cells, despite his abnormally large head. Technically, he has an unnecessarily large head for an abnormally small brain.

Patch: Translation, Little Miss I-Am-Never-Wrong?

Mini: You're an idiot!

Patch: And you talk too much!

Tiny: Ignore those two. I'm Tiny, as you know and Splat is...somewhere in this studio. We pretty much have an average intelligence...and that's a good thing, because we're the quiet, normal ones...and let's thank Buddha, Vishnu, Jesus, God, that KFC guy and Allah...

Splat: I'm back! Okay! Now enough about us, let's introduce our next guest...uh...wait, let me breathe...

Mini: Funny that, I didn't think light bulbs had lungs!

Splat: Shut up! Let's welcome Miss Hermione Jane Granger!!!

Hermione emerges from the side and takes a seat.

Mini: [plasters on a fake smile] Welcome...Hermione...

Patch: [whispers audibly to Tiny and Splat] Mini's got competition...

Tiny and Splat nod in some form of comprehension.

Mini: So...uh...how's everything?

Hermione: Good...everything's fine, actually.

Mini: Oh, well that's great to hear.

Hermione: Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be? Who would think that me being through hell is a good thing?

Silence...

Tiny: Okay then...uh...well did you know that George Bush Sr. is the ninth cousin twice removed of Marilyn Monroe?

Hermione: No, I didn't really...but did you know that a unicorn is gold during its youth, and turns a pure white at maturity?

Tiny: Well, I've read the books, so yeah, technically we know.

Hermione: But how could muggles like you be allowed access to that sort of information? Surely they don't have those facts in muggle books on *mythological* creatures. (A/N: It's true, actually, all the books I've read on mythological creatures don't have that fact in it)

Tiny: No, actually we meant the Harry Potter Series.

Hermione: We're fictional characters?

Splat: Let's move on. Hey! Look what I found!

Splat picks up a wooden stick with a gold handle.

Patch: I wonder what it does when you do this!

Patch snatches the strange wooden stick from Splat and points it at a mirror.

Patch: ENGORGIO MAXIMUS!!!!

Patch's head shrinks.

Hermione: There's a mistake here! Doesn't "Engorgio Maximus" somewhat translate into "enlarge to the max"?

Mini: You're right there...it is supposed to! Oh well, this isn't the first time it happened.

Hermione: What do you mean it wasn't the first time it happened?

Mini: It's a long story...we were interviewing a...certain celebrity of the muggle world and Splat had a big head from what happened during the ad break, though I don't know what. Umm...Splat, I think tried to enlarge the celebrity's head, and instead it shrunk and Splat used the same spell as Patch did now...so technically I don't know what's going to happen from here.

Tiny: Well, at least Patch's head finally matches his brain size.

Splat: Pee wee!

Hermione: [shakes head in disbelief] Patch, you idiot how could you be so stupid?

Patch: Me no stupid me no dumb, me put cork up doggy's bum.

Hermione: Mini, are you sure that Patch didn't shrink his brain along with his head?

Mini: It's a possibility.

Splat: Okay, somebody call the paramedics! This is an emergency!

Mini: You idiot Patch! You found a wand! Funny that, I thought the "wand chose the wizard"...

Tiny: That's it, I'm ending the segment. Nothing interesting at all happened today and that just sucks.

Patch: [imitates the Comic Book Guy] Worst Segment Ever.

Mini: Well, it was a pleasure having you here, Hermione...hopefully with the right amount of adjustment we'll be able to enlarge Patch's head to normal size and hopefully improve his brain capacity, too.

Hermione: Yes, thank you Mini.

Mini: And there you go, that concludes our 2nd segment of Weirdo Talkshow! Next segment is going to be better! I promise! If we draw Harry out of the hat, we will try to make him fear something other than "fear itself". If it is Draco, however, what about a nice swearing competition?

Splat: See you next time on Weirdo Talkshow!