Weirdo Talkshow I

Weirdo Talkshow I Scene 1

Mini: Hello, and welcome to Weirdo Talkshow! I'm Mini!

Patch: I'm Patch, which is quite obvious due to the fact that it says *Patch* next to my line...

Tiny: I'm Tiny, Mini's twin sister! And that over there, is Splat, who is Patch's twin!

Splat: Huh?

The audience applauses

Mini: So, let's get on with the show!

Tiny: Let's welcome Voldemort!!

The camera pans to the panel where Voldemort's meant to come out. Nothing's there.

Splat: Technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Narrator: C'mon! This show isn't scheduled for another fifteen minutes!

Mini: What? You rushed us on stage for no reason at all?

Narrator: Hey, blame the director.

15 minutes of stunned silence...

Let's try that again...

Mini: Welcome, again! I'm Mini, that's Patch, that's Tiny and that's Splat.

Patch: Let's welcome Voldemort!! Hello!!

Voldemort actually comes onto the stage.

Finally something is done right on this show!

Patch: So, Voldemort...how's your life been?

Voldemort: Well, if you don't count the fact that I've been defeated by a CHILD several hundred thousand times, plagued with tomatoes and Barbie dolls, I'm *glowing* with health...

Mini: And how do you feel about that?

Voldemort: Absolutely bummed. Actually, you know, I shouldn't have done anything in Order of the Phoenix...

Tiny: Well, you know, if you didn't do anything in Order of the Phoenix, then you don't really have a story, now do you?

Patch: And do you realize that you've only been defeated by a child...once when Harry was 1, then at 11, 12...at this stage only 5 or 6 times, actually.

Splat: So how were you plagued with tomatoes?

Voldemort: You don't want to know that story...how about I tell you a different story...like...Romeo and Juliet!

Mini: We already know that story...boy loves girl, girl loves boy, die die die, cry cry cry. We want to know the story of-

Voldemort: how I killed Lily and James Potter?

Tiny: No!

Voldemort: how about the story of...

Mini, Tiny, Patch and Splat: NO!!!

Voldemort: Fine, have it your way...

Mini: Maybe we should skip that topic...you look stressed...how about we give you some hot chocolate and a marshmallow?

Voldemort: Will it help this 66-year-old headache?

Mini: You could say that...

Patch: Yes, okay, here's your hot chocolate and marshmallow

Voldemort takes the hot chocolate and marshmallow

Voldemort: Hey, how come there's only one marshmallow?

Patch: We have a feeling that one marshmallow's all you need!

Voldemort puts the marshmallow into the mug, and the marshmallow expands and sucks up all the hot chocolate.

Voldemort: [mutters] Bunch of loonies...

Mini: Get used to it.

Tiny: So, anyway...uh...could you tell us exactly why you think you shouldn't have done anything in Order of the Phoenix?

Voldemort: Fools! It's very clear! Can't you see it? If I didn't do anything, then nobody would believe that crackpot you all refer to as *Harry Potter* and I could plan a sneak attack!

Patch: [mutters] I do not believe that you would go so low as to plan sneak attacks...isn't that a little elementary for your standards?
Voldemort is speechless

Patch: I'm smarter than Voldy! I'm smarter than Voldy!!

Voldemort: YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME!!!! I WILL GET YOU ALL ONE DAY!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!


Voldemort disappears in a puff of smoke.

Mini: All them evil villains are the same...they try to take over the world and they don't give a damn whether his slaves die of second hand smoke or not...how typical...

Patch: You've got that right, Little Miss I-am-never-wrong.

Mini: Since when was I ever Little Miss I-am-never-wrong?

Tiny: Okay, before things get out of hand and Mini has a bout of PMS, let's leave it at that, okay?

Splat: Because this is my third line out of this segment, I have been given the honour of saying...VOLDEMORT GET YOUR SNAKEY ASS OUT HERE!!!!!!!!!

Splat is turned into a lightbulb.

Narrator: And that concludes this segment, but don't go away folks. Up next we speak to the Great Houndini!! I mean, Hermione Granger...

Note: I am well aware that Voldemort wouldn't know the story of Romeo and Juliet, but I couldn't think of anything else. *nervous laughter*