Weirdo Talkshow I

Weirdo Talkshow I Scene 3

Mini: Welcome back to Weirdo Talkshow once again!

Tiny: Unfortunately, we never got Patch's head back to normal, so he's not in this scene. Neither is Splat, because, well...he's still a lightbulb and couldn't stand everyone being bigger than him.

Mini: So it's just us...for now...so let's cut to the chase, and introduce another somebody!

Tiny: Give the aristocrat a warm welcome! It's Draco Malfoy!!

Enter Draco. Draco sits across from Mini and Tiny.

Mini: So, Draco...how's it been lately?

Draco: Fine.

Tiny: We need a plan...

Mini: Definitely.

Tiny: So, as we all know, you consider yourself somewhat superior to everybody else because of your blood.

Draco: Keep talking...

Tiny: Well, it's just that...no matter how many ways you think of it, the Feudal System hasn't really been in use since the Middle Ages.

Mini: Are you sure about that? England still has the class system, don't they?

Tiny: You're thinking about England in the 1900s, Mini. And here I was thinking you were Little Miss I-Am-Never-Wrong. Anyway, Draco...it has come to my attention that it is up to me to ask you this question.

Tiny bends down in front of Draco as though she's proposing to him.

Mini: Tiny, what the HELL are you doing?

Tiny: Does this make you look taller?

Mini slaps her head in embarrassment.

Draco: I'm flattered, but I'm ALREADY taller than you.

Mini: Flattered by a "muggle" such as us, are you?

Draco: What?

Mini: You weren't ever aware that you were on a muggle talkshow?

Draco: No! If I knew then I wouldn't have agreed to this!

Tiny: I'm sorry, but you're not going anywhere.

Draco: Let me go, you bitch!

Tiny: I think it's time for the...

WEIRDO TALKSHOW SWEARING COMPETITION!!!!

Tiny: Welcome to The Weirdo Talkshow Swearing Competition, Or Other Known As Ming-Mong. Here we have the Challenger, Draco Malfoy, against the undefeated champion of insults and swearing, Mini!!

The audience cheer and hold up signs in favour of Mini.

Tiny: It works as so: The two competitors do the whole *rock, paper, scissors* thing and the winner gets 1st word. Whoever gets the last word in the round wins that particular round...did that make sense?

Draco: I'm not going to go anywhere near you!!

Tiny: Then Mini wins the rock paper scissors section by default.

Draco: I never lose!

Tiny: Does Quidditch count? Because according to me, you never did win against Harry, now did you? Still, Mini gets first word!

Mini: Go me!!

Tiny: Okay...Round 1: One-Word Insults!!

Mini: Dickhead!

Draco: Bitch!

Mini: Queer!

Draco: Dirtbag!

Mini: Dumbass!!

Draco: [rolls eyes] Weirdo!

Mini: Damn proud of it!

Draco: Ha! More than one word!

Tiny: I am sorry, dear twin sister, but I'm going to have to give this round to Draxx because of the fact that you used more than one word before he did.

Mini: Shit.

Draco: Blondes ARE dumb! Wait, what did you call me?

Mini: Well, look who's talking!

Tiny: I called you Draxx! It's a nickname, so get used to it! So...another rock paper scissors round!

Mini and Draco do the rock paper scissors thing. Mini picks out paper, Draco picks out scissors.

Mini: Beginner's Luck.

Tiny: Round 2: Long Insults!

Draco: Oh, about the last round...HOW THE HELL AM I QUEER?!

Mini: Random work picked out of my head, fartface!

Draco: Scum of society!

Mini: Technically, I'm not even PART of your stupid society!

Harry Potter Fanatics: *gasp!*

Mini: What? What did I say?

Draco: You're one weird dumbass.

Tiny: Draco is disqualified!! Hypocrisy is against the rules!

Draco: Wait, so if I was hypocritical, I'd be a dumbass calling her a dumbass...ARE YOU CALLING ME DUMB?????

Tiny: You're lucky that hypocrisy isn't an offense punishable by death.

Draco: [mutters] Since when was it ever?

Tiny: Okay, since you two are equal, it's time for round 3!! Cue rock paper scissors!

Mini picks out rock, Draco picks out scissors.

Mini: Ha, ha! You lose.

Tiny: Round 3: Miscellaneous insults!!

Draco: I'll win this round!! I always win!!

Mini: Will you really? Because the last time I checked, and that was earlier this episode...you NEVER won...at least, not against the one you refer to as *Saint Potter* or *Potty* or--

Draco: I get it! Do you enjoy the sound of your own voice? I mean, I'm starting to think that you guys call each other up and say "who should we annoy today?" And I'm just the unlucky one who is picked on!

Mini: Well I thought your ego was so big you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER say that! Anyway, your ego is so over-inflated that I'm surprised you can even stand up straight!

Draco: Well at least I don't SLOUCH!!

Mini: What's wrong with slouching? Well y'know what I say? IMPERFECTION FOREVER PERFECTION NEVER!!!!!

Tiny: [mutters] And I say for myself: servatis a periculum! Servatis a maleficum!! (1)

The audience chants "Imperfection forever perfection never" with Mini. Tiny takes no notice of what's going on.

Draco: I get it! You're one of them communists!

Mini: Yeah, I am! Meaning I can kill you because you're a rich aristocratic BASTARD who has a big HEAD!!!!!

Draco: You're a guy but you have a pole shoved up your butt so you sound like a girl!!

Mini: Do you see facial hair on me? No! Do I have breasts? YES!! Therefore, I was BORN female and always will be!!

Draco: Really? Well I hear that muggles have a tendency of getting implants

Mini: Well I'm not a *NORMAL* muggle! In fact, I'm a horse!! That's right! I'm a horse! I just have the power to turn into a human!

Draco: Prove it!

Mini turns into a horse and turns back. Draco is suddenly scared.

Mini: [triumphantly] And the thing is: Tiny can do it too!

Draco: GAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Tiny: I wish I had a camera...

Mini: Technically, we do have a camera. This is live, so millions of people worldwide can see him do this...isn't it amusing? So did I win?

Tiny: Yeah...you won...

Mini: You know that the celebrities never win.

Draco: MUMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Tiny: I think we've gone too far.

Mini: Should I call security?

Tiny: No...I have a better idea.

Mini: No...it's not what I think it is!

Tiny grins goofily, nodding slowly.

Mini: NO!!!! Y'know he'll sue!

Tiny: Yes, but technically, we can't enter the Magical World, so...? What's there to lose?

Mini: Now I'm starting to think that you're the smart one...

Tiny grabs the hose and sprays Draco with cat piss...not that he knows, of course...it could just be lemonade...

Draco: What. Did. You. DO?!?!?!?!?!?!?! It stinks! What did you do? What IS this stuff?

Tiny: Are you REALLY sure you want to know what it is? It might change your life forever...

Draco: Tell me what it is, or I'll make sure you can never again turn into a horse!

Mini: Pray tell, what are you going to do to us?

Draco: What the fuck did you spray me with?

Mini: Okay...you asked for it...

Mini and Tiny: It's CAT PISS!!!!!!

Mini: Wait, does insurance cover that?

Draco: What, being a moron? I think you'll be covered if they have that "Act of an Idiot" Clause!

Tiny: We're covered. Sure, we'll pay up...what the hell is this? Anyway, don't you need currency exchange, as we go by the dollar and you go by pounds...or some other currency?

Draco: You'd better have this cleaned before I kill you!

Mini: Well, if you kill us, you'll have about 22 other people to deal with, 5 of which can make sure you'll never be able to continue your blood line...

Draco: And these supposed 5 "horses" are going to make sure I can't continue my lines...just HOW?

Tiny: Actually, they're not horses...they're humans. 12 of them are just other miscellaneous animals, 5 of them are humans and the rest are horses...Oh, and the 22 include Patch and Splat too.

Draco: Patch...? Splat...? What the hell are you on about? You have the WEIRDEST names ever!!

Mini: Well, look who's talking...

Draco: SHUT UP!!!!

Mini: It's my mouth and I'll shut up if I want to.

Draco: That's it. I've had enough of you. Don't think that you've heard the last of me, because you haven't!

Tiny: Of course we haven't. You're going to feature in the next two Harry Potter books, right?

Draco: What? I'm a fictional character?

Mini: She said nothing. Get your ass outta here!

Draco storms off the stage, muttering about idiots and weirdos.

Mini: And that's one segment of this weird-ass show done...

Tiny: I hope you enjoyed this severely OOC installment, because, well...it gets weirder!

Mini: Hopefully Patch and Splat will be with us in the later segment...well, that's all and I hope you've enjoyed. We'll see you again after the break.

(1) Servatis a periculum; servatis a maleficum is Latin for "save us from danger; save us from evil". For those who have heard Evanescence's "Whisper", this is what the choir in the background near the end of the song are singing.