The Only One Who Understands Me

The Only One Who Understands Me.

Harry stormed out of the great hall. Being the Boy Who Lived could be very stressful. Not only did he have to worry about exams and school work like lesser mortals, he also had the whole saving-the-world thing to think about. And, in addition to that, his hair was annoying him. It wouldn't sit flat, it just wouldn't sit, full stop. Harry brooded whilst striding purposefully towards the lake. He didn't actually have a purpose, but when you had been a hero for six years you leant to do things purposefully. Also, you learnt how to multi-task, brooding and striding, for instance, or fighting the Dark Lord while being angsty.

Presently Harry realised his purposeful striding had almost carried him into the lake. He stopped on its bank abruptly, and glared at it. To his surprise the water started to bubble, Harry was momentarily shocked, and then regained his composure. This was probably another plot of the Dark Lord's to try to kill him. The last, ahem, memorable attempt, had featured a minion hiding in the Halloween banquet, waiting for the appropriate moment to jump out and kill him. Unfortunately, the minion had climbed into the food before it was cooked.

Harry wouldn't be at all surprised if a collection of Deatheaters had performed bubblehead charms, and were currently being attacked by the inhabitants of the lake. He smiled briefly, then remembered to be angsty, and frowned, then flopped down on the bank; in what he thought was a good impression of exhaustion.

"No one understands me... AVADA KEDAVRA!" he called suddenly at the movement of water. A tentacle shot up, and quickly dodged the spell.

"Oh, it's just the giant squid. I don't suppose you want to hurt me?" he asked the tentacle, and what he could see of the squid's face.

"Blub," agreed the squid.

"You think the Dark Lord isn't very nice right?" enquired Harry hopefully.

"Blub," gurgled the squid emphatically.

"Can you help me with my potions homework?" continued Harry.

"Blub," murmured the squid, shaking its tentacles.

Harry didn't particularly mind. It seemed like the squid was the most understanding thing at Hogwarts. It never lectured him. (He didn't stop to think that it had only spoken three words, if you could call them that, to him.) It never told him to stop being such an angsty mess and get back to saving the world, he could angst on his own time, we have a schedule here people!

Also it never hexed him, it didn't own a wand. It didn't try to beat him at Quidditch, it didn't own a broomstick. Harry stifled a laugh at the thought of the squid playing Quidditch. The squid seemed to work out what was funny, either that or it had indigestion, because it made a slight disapproving noise. "Right, sorry squid."

"Blub," agreed the squid, in a way that seemed to say 'it's ok'.

"Do you have a name? I can't keep calling you squid."

"Blub," muttered the squid thoughtfully.

"I'll call you Norman!"

"Blub," the squid, now dubbed 'Norman' seemed very nonplussed.

"Right, Norman it is then," concluded Harry, oblivious to the squid's irritation at the name. "I'll come back to see you tomorrow ok Norman?"

"Blub," said the squid decisively. It would have nodded if it could have moved its head.

Harry walked off, remembering to put the angsty look on his face again just before someone saw him looking contented.

***

"So then, right in the middle of potions, Draco glares at me, so I turn around and yell, 'I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. I'M THE FUCKING BOY WHO LIVED, AND I AM GOING TO SAVE ALL YOUR ARSES. SO STOP LAUGHING AT ME.' And then, for no reason at all Snape gives me a detention." Harry shook his head in wonderment. "I just don't get it. And now, I'm going to have to up the angst even more. This sucks."

"Blub," muttered the squid threateningly, wondering how it could dispatch this idiot who seemed intent on boring it to death. All this kid seemed to do was talk, and, being without ears, the squid couldn't even tell what it was about. All it knew was that the vibrations of the kid's voice was giving him a headache. And, with the size of a squid's head, this was no laughing matter.

From what he could work out from hand gestures, and body language, this kid thought a lot of himself. Most of the other kids treated the squid with respect or fear, but, no, the one kid who wasn't scared of him had to be the one who NEVER SHUT UP. The squid usually jut settled for blub-ing. It seemed that a well-placed blub could, eventually, make the kids shut up and go away.

However, the squid had a nasty feeling that the kid was getting attached to him. The squid would have to do something. Something very drastic unless this whining ceased. Now that he thought about it...he hadn't had human for quite sometime. It tasted vaguely like chicken...

Still he half-remembered being told by Dumbledore, the only one who could talk squid, that this kid, Harry he thought its name was, was special. Something about saving the world. Maybe he shouldn't eat him... Nah, reasoned the squid, if he gets within two metres of my mouth; that's it for him.

***

Harry was unreasonably happy. Even Dumbledore was concerned. He called Harry to a meeting in his office, but even this couldn't dampen Harry's mood. Harry was used to the meetings by now, the usually meant someone or something else was threatening his life, or that there was a piece of small but vital information that he hadn't been told. Still, Harry reasoned, if this got too bad he could live with the giant squid in the lake.

"Harry," said Dumbledore, looking over the rims of his moon shaped spectacles.

Harry groaned inwardly. 'Spare me the theatrics,' he thought.

"Harry, there is something I need to tell you."

"What? Voldemort is actually my father? Hermione has hatched a plot to kill me? Ron is really a Deatheater in disguise?"

"How did you...uh...I mean...." It was the only time Dumbledore had ever seemed flustered, and Harry was faintly amused.

"Anyway, I am concerned about your relationship. With the Giant Squid."

"Why exactly?" enquired Harry in what he thought might pass for angsty politeness.

"Well I know from experience that the squid can get very possessive."

"Experience?" Harry, forgetting the impending angst, boggled at the headmaster, who was now flushing slightly pink.

"Ah yes. Very long story, Harry. It involves Aberforth and some goats again, I'm afraid."

"Right, and as you were saying, you are concerned because?"

"We are just concerned. And as we all know, if you die, then the whole wizarding world is, quite frankly completely fucked."

"Ok, thank you, headmaster. I'll be, just, um, going, now." Harry moved out of his chair and backed slowly towards the door.

***

"Oh squid, you're the only one who understands me!" cried Harry, after a particularly long angst fest.

"Blub," muttered the squid, rolling it eyes.

"You know squid," said Harry, dropping his eyes, and attempting, and failing, to look demure. "I'm completely unattached, and Teen Witch Weekly voted me most eligible under 21 again this year..." Harry trailed off and moved closer to the squid, which still had absolutely no idea what Harry was saying. The squid was well and truly sick of this kid coming and angsting in his spot. It tried to look threatening. Harry mistook the threatening look.

"Oh Squid, I knew you would understand!" he cried, flinging his arms around its slimy head. 'Stuff this,' thought the Squid, "I'm getting rid of this kid once and for all."

'Gulp' went the squid.

***

"Boys and girls. I am afraid that Harry Potter was eaten by the giant squid this afternoon. I am sure that none of us will miss his self-important behaviour, although the fact the saviour of our world is gone is a bit of a pity. It is now my duty to announce that Voldemort will probably take over the world, and kill most of you except, of course, the Slytherins." All the Slytherins grinned smugly. "Now, I must ask you all to return to your dormitories, and act as though everything is normal. Just like we do when the school is overrun with murderers, basilisks, etc. Thank you."

***

In a dark corner of the swamp, Voldemort visited his most recent recruit. "You did well, minion," he said to the squid. "You killed the Potter boy," the squid nodded. At least Voldemort spoke squid.

"Here is your reward. Three pounds of fresh seafood, as promised." Voldemort handed over the revolting smelling bag with a look of distaste upon his face.

The squid opened the bag.

"Blub!" exclaimed the squid. Voldemort had killed his cousin Bob, and added him to the reward.

'Gulp', went the squid. "Tastes like slightly under cooked chicken..." he thought to himself.

***

"Boys and girls, I would like to announce that the Giant Squid is now officially a hero. Not only has it rid us of the menace that was Potter, but it has saved the wizarding world. Last night it ate Voldemort, and has reported he tasted like chicken. This means that, for now, the world is safer. It also means that all you Slytherins have no excuse for continued bad behaviour." The Slytherins failed miserably at looking sorry about their actions. "Now, I would like to announce a feast tonight, in honour of the Squid Who Lived."