Gary Splotter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz

Chapter 1

The Dementor

Gary and Dom were on the Hogwarts Express. Gary was in the middle of telling what was to him a funny story.

"Yeah, ok, what were you saying?" Dom asked a distracted Gary.

"I was saying that, um...oh yeah, I've had a weird week. You know?"

"Really?"

"On Monday or Sunday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Saturday or Friday or -"

"Just tell me the story!"

"Don't remember the day..." Gary said, lost in thought - well, as much thought as Gary's brain can allow.

"Shut up and tell me the story," Dom muttered.

"Hey, 're you reading the newspaper? Can I have it?"

"Ok, just tell me what was happening."

Gary then slammed his hand against the wall of the train car. "Oh, cool," he remarked towards the noise. "Heh, um, heh heh, ok. Heh. Um...I blew up my Aunt Marge! And she was this big!" Gary exclaimed showing Dom with his hands. "No, this big. No, this big. No -"

"She was huge is what you're saying."

"Yeah, she was huge. I mean, she hit the ceiling and went out the door and flew out the sky. I mean, I was watching her; she was just flying." Gary started laughing hysterically as he slammed his head against the car wall.

"And then?" Dom demanded. "Did you get in trouble with the ministry?"

Gary stopped laughing suddenly and looked directly at Dom seriously. "What do you think?"

"Yes."

"Duh! No."

"And why? Eh, it's probably because it's you."

"No," Gary countered, while eating some crackers he had bought, "I heard your dad. He told me. What happened was, uh, Layed is looking for me."

"Layed?"

"Yeah, Layed Back."

"Gary," Dom said, looking straight at Gary, "promise me you won't go looking for trouble."

"That's what your dad said."

"Promise me. C'mon."

"You know, monkeys are taking over the world with their impossible toes."

"Okay, that's great. C'mon, let's make this train ride enjoyable actually," Dom said, giving up on getting Gary to promise, while opening a newspaper.

"Hey Dom, is that the Daily Prophet?"

"Yeah. It says here: 'Layed Back has escaped. He's been sighted a fair few places but nowhere close to Hogwarts.'"

"No where close to Hogwarts?"

"That's all it says."

"Hmm. Did the Sox win?"

Confusion crossed Dom's face. "You mean the Sox Quidditch team?"

"Well...yes, that's what I..." Gary muttered, trying to cover his mistake.

"I don't know."

"Uh, is there a Sox Quidditch team?"

"Hmm, I don't know," both said simultaneously, Gary stroking his chin.

"I really don't know," Dom murmured as he leafed through the newspaper.

"Oh, um, how 'bout -"

"How about you take this and - ugh -" Dom grunted as the Hogwarts Express lurched to a stop. "Why are we stopping?"

Gary then threw himself forward, falling off the seat. "Ugh! Cool! Bumper Cars!" He got up and started hurling himself against the walls.

"No! Dude, dude! Gary! The train stopped." The light started to flicker. "Oh my gosh. The light, the light's going out in our car." The light went off.

"Holy cow! It's dark out!"

"Listen, I'm going to go se-"

"Ahhhhhh!!!!!!" Gary screamed.

"Gary! I'm going to go talk to the conductor," Dom tried to make audible over Gary's screams.

"I'm scared of the dark! Remember the forest and everything and - where'd he go? He's...not there.... I'm scared. I'm scared. You know, this could be a scene where that monster comes out of behind you and he snaps you right in the head!" Suddenly the car door opened. "Huh?" A cloaked figure entered. "What's this? What's up? Uh...are you new here?" The figure came closer. "Uh, you look scary. You are scary. Get away from me! I said this earlier! This is the part where the monster comes and snaps you right in the head! Aaahhhh!!!!!" The figure grabbed at Gary. "Take this! Ahh!" Gary started mumbling a bunch of stuff as the figure tried to seize him. Gary then head-butted the figure. It seemed stunned for a moment. Then a yell went out: "Expecto Patronum!"

"Who said that?" Gary asked as the figure was blasted out of the car. "Who said that? I'm scared. I'm scared." Dom opened the car door then.

"What happen-"

"Ahh! Ahh!"

"Dude, it's me."

"Oh."

"What happened in here?"

"Some black thing going, 'Haaaaa-"

"Dementor!"

"What's a Dementor?"

"Gary, your second year you yell at Bumbledor, 'No! Don't take me to the Dementors!' and now you don't know what one is?"

"How'd you know that? Anyway, and then it grabbed me. I was like, 'Ahhh!! Ahhh!!' And all of a sudden I hear some, uh, someone say, 'Expecto...bleblieblieble.' Something, I don't know. What'd he say?"

"Uh...I don't know," Dom answered as he sat down. "I think it was, oh, the professor I met on the way there. To the conductor's place. Professor Poopin."

"Poopin?!? That's a funny name. Poopin."

"He's our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"Does he poop a lot?" Gary inquired.

"I don't know. I never asked him. We can ask him in Defense Against the Dark Arts though. Anyways, Gary, stop." Gary had started to goof around.

"So Dom, um," Gary interrupted as he picked up the Daily Prophet. "Aw, look, 'Mark Priers Return', 'Pirates 2', 'Cubs Won'," Gary "read" from the newspaper. He then threw it behind him. "Makes you wanna hurl. Hey, look! Money!" he exclaimed as he drew out money from between the seats.

"Yeah, ok. You know what?"

"I'm hungry again." Gary pulled out his cracker box.

"We'r-we're at school!"

"No we're not."

"Gary...we're at school," Dom said, as if talking to a very stupid child.

"No, we're not," Gary said more sternly.

"Gary!"

"I haven't put my clothes on...my sc-my school clothes."

"Look, ok, we kinda don't wear school robes anyway." Gary stared off, chewing, like this fact was an amazing new revelation for him. "Remember?"

"Hmm." Then he slammed his arm against the car wall.

"Ok, time to go to Divination. Let's go."

"But we just got here, ok? We already have a class the, uh, the first minute we get there? Isn't there a feast to go to?"

"Let's go," Dom said, ignoring Gary and getting out of the train car.

Chapter 2

Divination = You Scare Me!

Gary walked up the steps to the Divination room. "Hmm, Dom! Dom! Where are you? I'm lost. I know where I am," he stated as he entered the room. He started looking around the room in circles.

"Hello class..." a soft, misty sort of voice said. "Hello, and welcome to the noble art of Divination."

Gary turned around and saw a professor standing in front of him. "Woah! Howdy there!"

"I am your teacher, Professor Lasagna, and I will teach you to see...beyond!"

"Beyond? Beyond where?"

"Into the future!"

"Into the future of what?" Gary asked incredulously.

"Now, drink your tea leaves."

"How're you supposed to drink a tea leaf?"

Professor Lasagna dropped the misty voice for a second. "Drink your tea leaf." Then she put it back on. "And see what they create!"

Gary drank the tea from the cup. "Hmm, good."

"Now, look into it. What do you see?! What do you see?!"

Gary put the cup over his eye. "Your face."

"Oh my..." Professor Lasagna muttered. "Let me see, my dear, my dear." Suddenly, her tone of voice changed. "Oh dear..."

"'Oh dear' what?" Professor Lasagna dropped the teacup. "Hey, look, you dropped it. On the floor. And look-" Gary picked up the cup and put it over one of his eyes.

"My dear, my dear, my dear...." Professor Lasagna yanked the cup off Gary's face. "You have the worse," she gasped, grabbing him. "You have -"

"The worst what?"

"-the Grim."

"But I don't see anything, look, it's empty," Gary stated, lifting the cup up to the professor.

"You have the Grim."

"You drink some of that," he said, as he tried to throw the cup at Professor Lasagna, but she simply just took the cup away.

"You have the Grim!"

"So do you! What's the Grim?"

"It's an omen. An omen...of...of death! An omen of death!"

"Get away from me," Gary exclaimed as he knocked the professor off him. "You scare me, jeez." Gary started to back away towards the door.

"An omen of death....Listen, my dear -"

"You scare meeee!" Gary yelled as he bolted down the stairs. "And stay out!" Gary then slammed the door shut. He started to look around. "Dom?"

"Gary!" a voice yelled from behind the closed door. The door opened and Dom emerged.

"What's up? You were up there?"

"Yeah."

"But...I didn't see you..."

"You probably just missed me," Dom responded, brushing it aside.

"Dom, I'd've known if I had missed seeing you in a class."

Dom looked at Gary for a second. "Like Potions class our first year?"

Malfoy walked down the stairs. "Little hard of memory Splotter?"

"Go away!"

"Go away Malfoy," Dom retaliated. "Sss...stuff your mouth in your face! C'mon Gary, we have Care of -"

"I'm gonna kick you!" Gary exclaimed and ran at Malfoy. Malfoy simply walked off with a look of intolerance on his face.

"C'mon Gary, we have Care of Magical Creatures next."

"We do?"

"Yeah."

"Let me see the schedule."

"We don't have one."

"Oh. Well, how'd you know?"

"I dunno, somebody told me," Dom responded, growing impatient. He started to walk off to the front doors of Hogwarts. "C'mon, let's go."

Suddenly, Gary turned around to a following Malfoy. "Malfoy, go to...L!"

"This way," Dom said, going onward.

"I said go to 'L'," Gary said, amazed.

"This way, this way. Okay, this way."

"Is it that way?" Gary seemed to have forgotten his way around the castle.

"Gary, yeah, it's that way."

"Who's teachin'?"

"Professor Tagrid!" Dom said, excited.

"Tagrid?"

"You know, our friend."

"Tagrid the Fat Guy?"

"Yeah, the Fat Guy," Dom said, rolling his eyes. "Sure."

"You?"

"Actually, I don't have Care of Magical Creatures next," Dom told Gary, ignoring his comment. "I have Ancient Ruins."

"Uh, I think you had all of them."

"Um...sorry Gary, I, uh, kinda don't," Dom halfway chuckled.

Gary faked a slight laugh. "Yeeaah, bye." And he walked out the front doors. Well, hit his foot on one, muttered, "Ow!", and walked out.

Chapter 3

Bikebeak

"Hey Tagrid!" Gary shouted to the approaching professor. Professor Tagrid was leading an animal to the class.

"Gary, you're in an exceptionally sorry position," Professor Tagrid responded - or so it sounded like to Gary; there was too great a distance between the two.

"Hey, look. It's a...what is that?" Gary asked, referring to the animal.

"This...my friend...is a Hippobike."

"Hippobike?" Gary laughed. "A Hippobike? Wow."

"It's beautiful, ain't he?"

"It's mine," Gary said, being reminded of a bike he used to have at home. A Hippobike, you see, looked very much like a flubble bike.

Professor Tagrid sighed. "This one's called Bikebeak."

"Bikebeak! Well, that's a good name! Bikebeak. It's short and to the point. Right Malfoy?"

"Ye-," Malfoy started, being bored out of his mind, then quickly said, "No!"

"No? No? Die." Gary kicked Malfoy. Malfoy probably would have done a curse at Gary, but Professor Tagrid was there.

"Now, y'all know how to open your books, I expect."

"Uh...what books?"

The professor sighed again. "You mean you don't have your books?"

"No." This time Gary sighed. "I do not have my books. But I hear they're monsters, man."

"So stupid!" Malfoy shouted.

"Like," Gary continued, making monster noises.

"My books that I inven- that I put out there are stupid?" Professor Tagrid asked incredulously.

"No," Malfoy said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Now then, Gary," Professor Tagrid proceeded, "I need you to do something really important right now. I need you to stare into the creatures eyes and bow to the beast."

"Bow? Bow?"

"Just - just bow."

"Bow," Gary repeated.

"Just bow Gary."

"Bow." Gary tried.

"That's a curtsey."

"Oh." Gary tried again - then screamed (for no apparent reason).

"Now...now, be careful. If he doesn't bow you might wanna back away."

"Doesn't bow, just back away..." Bikebeak looked at Gary steadily for a second, then bowed. "Hey, it bowed!"

"He bowed to you!" Professor Tagrid exclaimed, obviously excited. Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Now, I expect -"

"He bowed. He bowed. He bowed." Gary was absolutely fascinated.

"Now, I expect he'll let you, um, pat him."

"Pat him?" Gary walked over to Bikebeak and started to pat him.

"He likes it."

Gary started to beat his hand on Bikebeak. "You like that?" he asked earnestly.

"Now then Gary, I expect -"

"Ow!" Gary exclaimed as Bikebeak bit him.

"He'll let you ride him."

"Ride him?" Gary asked, alarmed. A few of the students snickered, given the prophecy - and amusing class session - Professor Lasagna had given.

"C'mon, let's take him out to the front of the school." Professor Tagrid guided Bikebeak and Gary (for some reason he had a hard time locating the front) to the front of Hogwarts. The rest of the class followed.

"I don't wanna ride him," Gary said as the walked.

"You will ride him, don't worry," Professor Tagrid replied.

"I don't wanna ride him."

"Well, you know what? You're gonna."

"I'm gonna?"

"Or else you'll fail this class."

"Oh. Well, you'd fail us? You're mean." Gary had fallen behind. "Not so fast Tagrid."

When the group had reached the front, the professor asked Gary, "You ready?"

"I gotta put on my shoes first." For some reason Gary had taken them off.

"That's a good Bikebeak. Don't worry. It's ok. Mr. Splotter is gonna ride ya." A shudder ran throughout Bikebeak's body.

"I'm gonna ride Bikebeak?

"Good heavens," the professor muttered. "Now get on. Get on. Okay, ready? And...off ya go, off ya go!"

Gary let out a high-pitched scream as Bikebeak took off. He seemed a little unstable, going, "Woah," every once in a while.

"Faster! Faster Bikebeak!" Professor Tagrid yelled. Gary swooped Bikebeak up into the air. He then leveled out, flying by the castle. He flew by Professor McDonald's class, yelled, "Hey he-she!", and nearly collided with the roof from not paying attention. "Alright, that's good, come back," Professor Tagrid yelled at Gary. Gary kept on going. "Oh great. Mr. Malfoy, go fetch Mr. Splotter." Malfoy was unsure how he was to catch a flying Hippobike, so he simply started walking in the direction that Gary was flying. Gary turned around and flew at Malfoy, letting out another high-pitched scream. He didn't hit Malfoy though.

"Yahh!" he yelled as he passed Malfoy. "Woo-hoo!"

"Very good. Come back. Come back now Gary," the professor said as Gary flew right past him.

"Alright!" Now, obviously, Malfoy wasn't going to take such behavior from Gary, being the stuck up Slytherin scum that he is. He took after Gary like a shot. Gary turned around and pretended to fly at Malfoy again, yelling, "Die!" He took out his wand and threw a curse at Malfoy. Malfoy screamed in pain.

"Very good Gary, five points to Gryffindor!" Professor Tagrid exclaimed. Gary landed Bikebeak. "Alright -"

He turned around and yelled, "Malfoy! Come over here Malfoy! You're not hurt yet!" Gary was already planning another spell for Malfoy.

"Now, I suppose you all wanna try a chance with Bikebeak." Gary got off Bikebeak and gave him a hard stare.

"You are a - hey, Bikebeak, you are a-"

"Stop right there, Mr. Splotter!" Professor Tagrid interrupted Gary, anticipating what Gary might possibly have planned.

Gary tried again. "Bikebeak - wonderful creature. Wonderful." He bowed. "Wonderful." Gary started to stroke Bikebeak sultrily.

"You are a great ugly brute..." Malfoy muttered under his breath. "Yeahhhh!" Gary screamed as Bikebeak charged Malfoy.

"Woah, what the heck happened there?" Gary exclaimed.

"Oww!" Malfoy screamed.

"Ow?" Gary asked, confused.

"Oh, no. Mr. Malfoy's been hurt," Professor Tagrid fretted.

"You bad, bad boy. Die, die, die," Gary exclaimed, as he started to beat Bikebeak unmercifully.

"Oh, I need to take him up to the hospital wing!" Professor Tagrid exclaimed. "Stay put Mr. Splotter," he instructed to Gary as Gary was thrashing Bikebeak up and down and yelling, "Errrghuuuuyyyyy!"

"Ow, ow," Malfoy moaned.

"You have Defense Against the Dark Arts next!" Professor Tagrid yelled over Gary's screaming.

"I have what next?" Malfoy was still moaning.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts. So go, now. I have to take him up to the hospital wing. Go!"

"Okay."

Chapter 4

Interview With the Boggart

"Hey now, look at this: a T. V. and a keyboard and a couch...and Malfoy. Look at it! Here a keyboard and a table, a couch...Malfoy. Thbtt! Now he knows how to live!" Gary commented as he looked around the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. Well, actually, the Divination room as well. The tea cup with Gary's prophecy was still on the table.

"Hello class," the professor greeted as he entered the room.

"Look at the state of your robes," Malfoy jeered, with a sling on his arm. "If my arm was better, I would strangle you."

"Hello class," Professor Poopin said again, standing in front of the class.

"You're a moron," Gary said to Malfoy.

"I am Professor Poopin."

"Poopin?"

"Now then-"

"Hey, hey, do you poop a lot?""

"No."

"Ah, I bet you get that a lot," Gary responded, getting thoroughly interested in the conversation.

"Yes, I do actually."

"Hah hah ha-ha!...Hah."

"Now then, we'll be practicing, and learning about, boggarts today," Professor Poopin said, continuing to the lesson.

"Boggarts?"

"Now, nobody knows what a real boggart looks like..."

"How 'bout we learn how to watch T. V.?" Gary slurred, staring at the T. V. hazily.

Professor Poopin didn't say anything for a moment. "No."

Gary saw his reflection in the T. V. "Look, there's me, hehehe," he giggled as he danced his legs up and down.

"No....uhhh....no. Mr. Splotter." Gary looked up at him. "Now then: the spell for changing a boggart into a shape you find amusing is...Riddikulus," Professor Poopin said while making the hand motions.

"Riddikulus. Reee-dick-you-luss. Man, this class isn't ridiculous. It's awesome man."

"Yes," the professor said, swinging up his head in pride, "thank you. Now then, Mr. Shorttop. Please come up here." Dribble, who hadn't interacted with Gary his entire second year, went up to the front of the classroom. "Now, what're you most afraid of?"

"...Professor Drape."

"You mean Spade!" Gary interrupted.

"Drape," Professor Poopin corrected.

"You mean the - you mean the, umm, you mean...that dude that can read minds?"

"Now," Professor Poopin said for the seventh time that class period and ignoring Gary, "you...have a grandmother, right?"

"Yes."

"No," Gary offered for Dribble.

Professor Poopin turned on Gary: "Mr. Splotter!" The professor turned back to Dribble. "Now imagine her clothes-"

"Hehehehe!" Gary giggled

"-and...imagine placing them...on your grandmother. No...Professor Drape."

"Yeah, gr - his grandmother is already wearing them!" Gary exclaimed, laughing.

"Now then," Professor Poopin said, referring to a closet, "step up to this thing here." He then paused for a moment. "I need to have a little...thing with the boggart - conversation." The professor opened the door and stepped within the closet. Before closing the door all the way he said, "Now then, when I open the door you will face the boggart. Now, chant the words 'Riddikulus'", the professor instructed as he handed his wand to Dribble, "when it comes out and it will be forced into your grandmother's clothes. Alright?" Dribble nodded obediently.

"Uh, I don't think that's gonna happen 'cause - him, right there - I forgot his name - he's bad," Gary rambled on.

"One!" Professor Poopin shouted from within the closet.

"Hey, one! I like that word." Gary exclaimed. Suddenly, the closet door opened. Dribble panicked and yelled the incantation. The boggart simply walked out as Professor Drape toward Dribble. He backed away fearfully. "Riddikulus!" Gary shouted. "Say it again Dribble!" He did so again as Gary continued to ramble on about nothing. The boggart had a sudden transformation, now becoming Professor Drape in Dibble's grandmother's clothing.

"Hey!" Gary exclaimed. "Hey, girly girl." The boggart became very self-conscious very quickly. "Oh, you're a girl. You're a girl! You're a girl! Haha, you're a girl. Girly girly girl!" The boggart ran back to the closet in shame.

"Mr. Splotter, please step up!" Professor Poopin commanded from the closet over the racket that Gary was making.

"Gary Splotter?" Gary asked in a slight accent. He hauled himself off the chair he was on and started to take the wand from Dribble. "Uh, you wa' me - ewh, you want me to go up? But, what if Voldemort comes ou- or..."

"Here," Dribble whispered, giving Gary the wand.

Gary started singing/yodeling/dying as he danced towards the closet. "Riddikulus!" he sang out. Slowly, a Dementor slunk out of the closet. "Hey, look! It's that one cold dude! I'm cold...bite me. Ehh!" Gary said as he started to beat the Dementor with his wand. The Dementor snatched the wand from Gary's hand, then unwittingly blasted himself in the face with it. "Hey, look: he got shot back again. Die, you, die!" The boggart fled back to the closet while Gary accidentally threw the wand into the air. "I dropped the thingy!" he yelled as he chased after the wand. He picked it up and turned around just as Professor Poopin was coming out of the closet, his cloths askew. "Yahh!" Gary yelled as he chucked the wand at the professor coming out.

"I better stop that thing," Professor Poopin mumbled to himself as the wand hit him square in the chest.

"I hit him!" Gary exclaimed in triumph.

Professor Poopin walked towards the middle of the class, muttering, "Now then," as Gary raised his hands in victory once again. "You all did very well," he told the classroom. "Too bad we can't have time for anymore - anybody else," the professor said as he sat down.

"Put your sock back on, loser," Gary told Professor Poopin, as his sock had seemed to come off during his time with the Boggart.

"Excuse me?"

"'Scuse you what?"

"Now then, I expect, you'll all want to go, because you have your special, new Hogsmeade trips," Professor Poopin told the class. Gary took a second to process the information.

"Hogsmeade? Hogsmeade? What's Hogsmeade?" he asked in an exasperated voice. "Where is it? Where is it? What is it? Where is it?"

"Ehh, doesn't matter. Class dismissed!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey Gary. Ready to go to Hogsmeade?" Dom asked Gary brightly.

"Hogsmeade? Hogsmeade? I never heard of Hogsmeade. What's a Hogsmeade?" Gary asked again for that day.

"Didn't you get the form, in the mail?" Dom asked Gary, somewhat breathlessly. He had hurried in anticipation to get to Hogsmeade.

"The ma-the form? What form?"

Dom's accent suddenly got thicker. "You forgot, didn't you?" he asked with menace.

"Forgot what?" Gary asked with disinterest.

"You forgot to get it signed."

Gary took a breath. "Noooo...I didn't get to forget the anything signed. Everything got signed except for - nothing got s- everything got - um, ahh, ahh, ahh...huh..." Gary mumbled as Dom walked over to Gary's bed.

"Then, what's this on your bed?" Dom asked slowly.

"That's not my bed," Gary said in confusion. "That's Professor Poopin's." He laughed after the teacher's name. "Poopin."

"What? It's right here. 'I allow Gary Splotter to go to Hogsmeade Village.'"

"Blank..." Gary muttered.

"And - it's blank! You forgot, didn't you?" Dom demanded.

"I did not forget! I don't forget anything; I'm the smartest...guy in the world," Gary told Dom, a big smile on his face.

"Sure, sure Gary," Dom said in his thickened accent. "Now, let's say we'll see you after the Hogsmeade trip," he told Gary as he was descending the dormitory stairs.

"Get me something, you loserrrrwhooowoo," Gary said back.

"Yeah, we'll get you something from-," Dom started but paused at Gary's exaggerated "loser". "-Honeypoops," he continued once Gary had quieted.

"Honeypoop? Who's Honeypoop?" Gary asked, despite the fact that Dom was leaving. "Honeypoop?"

"Bye Gary!" Dom called on his way down.

"Hey! Does Professor Poopin own that place?" Gary yelled back. "Poop. Honeypoop. Huu-ney-poop," he said, sounding out the word. He stared around the room, spotted Professor Poopin's T. V. which he had brought back from the room, and said, "I'm gonna watch T. V." At that moment, Professor Poopin came up into the dormitory.

"Hello Gary."

"Hello?"

"What bring you about? Aren't you - shouldn't you be in Hogsmeade?" the professor asked as he sat down on the bed Gary was laying on. Gary sat up.

"Wait, who are you?"

"Professor Poopin, of course," the teacher said incredulously.

"Poopin? I can't tell who you are Professor."

"What?"

"Why didn't I get to face the Boggart?" Gary asked, completely forgetting that he had.

Professor Poopin decided to play along. "Oh! Because I assumed that it would take the form of Lord Voldemort," he said confidently.

"Uh, why'd you assume that?" Gary countered in confusion.

"Oh, it's probably your worst fear, isn't it? I mean, c'mon."

"It's not my worst fear, you dumbnut!" Gary yelled back angrily.

"Well what is?" the professor asked levelly.

"Well, remember those black thingy-ma-jiggers that was on the-"

"You mean the Dementors?" Professor Poopin cut Gary off.

Gary paused for a good deal of time. "Yeah. The De-mentors..."

Professor Poopin paused as well. "Ah," he said, "well, that's amazing: you only fear fear itself," and he leaned forward with a teacher's interested look on his face.

"Ah, who said that?" Gary asked.

"Well, that's what a Dementor is - it feeds off your fears."

Gary looked at the Professor and said, "No it doesn't." When Professor Poopin didn't respond he said, "No it doesn't," again.

"Yes it does."

"No, it doesn't," Gary said more sternly.

Deciding that talking on a mature level to Gary was going nowhere, Professor Poopin decided that he would scare Gary instead. "Soon Gary, you will start hearing the screaming that your m- that you always heard: the screaming of your mother."

"No it doesn't."

Giving up, he responded, "Now, I suppose you should get back to the Gryffindor common room."

"And I suppose you go poop, Poopin!" Gary responded. Neither said anything for a while, during which Gary smiled. Finally, he said, "I'm bored." Professor Poopin sighed and got up as Gary asked, "Where's Dom? I'm bored. Where's Dom?"

"He's at Hogsmeade. He'll be back in two hours."

"Two hours? Two hours? Two hours? That's an eternityyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Gary said melodramatically. Professor Poopin simply left the room.

Chapter 5

Layed Back Arrives and Drape's Intrusion

"Um, so, where're we going now?" Gary asked a flushed yet content Dom as they walked down one of the school halls.

"I dunno, but Hogsmeade was awesome!" Dom said enthusiastically.

"Hogsmeade? Hogsmeade?" Gary paused, confused, for a moment. "Uhh, where's Hogsmeade? Wha- when - wha-"

"The village!" Dom said, almost school-boyishly. "And it - it was an awesome village. Though we had to wear these cloaks, 'cause it was snowing outside and it was a little too cold."

"Oh," Gary responded, disappointment apparent in his voice. "Where'd you go there?"

Not catching it, Dom asked, "Where'd I go there? Like, everywhere! Like, Honeypoops-"

That one seemed to cheer Gary up. "Honeypoops?" he asked while laughing.

This seemed to jog Dom's memory. "Oh, I got you something there. Wait, wait," he told the now happy Gary as he searched through his pockets for the gift he had bought. "I got you something. Well, I'm pretty sure it's in my pockets..." Finally fishing it out, he handed it over to Gary: "Blueberry Lickable Pop."

"Hmm," Gary murmured to himself as he took off the cap and wiped the item heavily down his tongue.

"Ohh," Dom groaned, "I can't believe you actually ate that! That was permanent marker!" Dom had picked it out of Mr. Measly's numerous amounts of flubble artifacts. Gary probably had no idea what it was; nonetheless:

"Ohh, God!" Gary exclaimed, tossing the marker to the floor immediately. He then asked, "My - is my tongue blue?"

"Not really," Dom told him.

"Oh. Well. So, where do we go now?" Gary asked very quickly. "Oh yeah, to, uh..."

"The common room!" both exclaimed simultaneously. "The common room."

"Yeah," Dom added.

"The common room," Gary repeated.

Suddenly Dom stopped. "Oh, shoot, no. I forgot something in the Great Hall."

"Go back there," Gary told him really fast.

"I'll be right back."

Gary continued his walk to the common room, mumbling something about Bumbledor getting something new. As he neared the picture of the fat man, he noticed something was terribly wrong. A gash was strewn through the picture and the fat man was missing. Pee Scoredin' walked up behind Gary and gasped at the sight in front of them. Gary turned around and asked, "Hey! Who are you?"

"Oh my gosh!" Pee exclaimed. "What happened to the common room?"

Gary whipped around and stated hysterically, "The portrait is gone! The portrait's gone! Where did the portrait go? Where did the portrait go? Ahhhhhh!" Suddenly Gary saw his reflection. "Hey, there's me! I'm so handsome," he stated contently. He then resumed freaking out. "Holy cow. Where did the portrait go? Where did the portrait go?" Suddenly the fat man poked his head out from the side of the frame, a loopy type smile on his face. "Ah, there it is," Gary sighed.

"Oh my gosh - it - it's - it was so...terrible, terrible!" he said in exaggeration, stepping out and tossing his hands up wildly.

Confusion crossed Gary's face. He was thinking. "Terrible? Terrible what? Terrible what?" Gary asked in urgency.

"He's here! In the castle."

"Who's here in the castle?"

"Layed Back!"

"Layed Back?"

"Could I get an autograph?" Both picture and Gary looked at Pee.

Both didn't know how to respond for a moment. "Who wants to get an autograph of an escaped convict?" the fat man asked at length.

"Convict?" Gary in turn asked. "Convict who?"

Again a pause. "Your convict?"

"Mah - my convict? I'm not a convict," Gary stoutly defended himself. "He might be," he exclaimed, pointing at Pee, "'cause I don't know who he is."

"Oh, I know!" the fat man exclaimed, jumping around in his portrait. "I know what Layed Back looked like! He had glasses...and weird hair...and he kept singing 80s tunes. It was getting on my nerves."

"Did he have a lot of zits?" Gary asked eagerly.

"Yes he did: on his forehead," the portrait responded just as eagerly. "You see, I made up this tune for him." Then the fat man proudly burst into song, dancing all the while.

Your head is shaped like a bowl

Your head is shaped like a bowl

I wouldn't want to eat on it

Because you face is full of zits

Gary started cracking up, gasping, "His face is full of...that's funny!"

Suddenly Dom came up behind Gary, exclaiming, "Gary!" urgently. "What happened?" he asked as soon as he got Gary's attention.

"Hey! When'd you get here?"

"I was here the whole time," Dom said in mimicked confusion.

Gary was about to say something like, "You know, you've been popping up when you weren't places a lot lately," when he decided against it and just responded, "The whole time? Cool."

"Listen, we-" Dom started.

"It's gone. He's here, but he's not here! He's gone!" Gary screamed, hugging the portrait (which the fat man had already left by now). "Something happened to him! Oh, yeah. Layed Back came here. He's in the castle."

"I know. But we have Defense Against the Dark Arts now," Dom responded, completely ignoring the severity of the situation.

Realization dawned on Gary. "Ohh, yeah. With Professo- with Professor Poopin."

"Yeah."

Gary laughed. "I bet he had a BM."

Dom just looked at Gary for a moment before saying, "You scare me." Gary simply laughed again as Dom said, "C'mon," and started towards class.

"BM - get it?" Gary asked, staying where he was.

"C'mon," Dom tried again, but to no use.

Just then, He'so Steamy approached Gary. He'so had his camera strapped around his neck as usual. "Are you Gary Splotter?" he asked in amazement.

"Yes," Gary said, amused.

"The Gary Splotter?" He'so asked again.

"The Gary Splotter!" Gary said happily, doing a slight dance at the same time.

"The smartest man in the world?" He'so asked in growing excitement.

"Yes! The smartest man in the world..." Gary trailed off as Dom approached He'so.

"He's the stupidest," he whispered to He'so.

Explaining why Gary was his hero, He'so asked again, "The smartest man in the world?"

"Yes!" Gary proclaimed proudly.

Amused, Dom walked off saying, "Now I got two stupidest men in the world."

"High five!" Gary said happily.

"You know," He'so interjected, "I like ramming into walls too."

"You do?"

"Yeah! Let's do some together."

"Yeah." He'so ran for the nearest wall he could find. Gary laughed and said, "He ran into a wall. Hoohoo," and charged headfirst into another one, said, "Ow!", and fell over to the ground. "Okay, I'm done. Okay, that hurts. That hurt," Gary muttered as he rolled over. Behind him, He'so and Dom walked off laughing, exchanging a high five. Gary started overdramatically yelling, "Ow!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gary was pacing around the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, going, "Malfoy, do you know where he is? You know what? He's late. He's late!" as he threw his wand into the air. As he bent to pick it up, he continued to Malfoy, "You know what? You don't have a book. Can you believe that?"

Suddenly the gruff voice of Professor Drape cut through Gary blabber with, "Hello class. Turn to page 394 of your textbooks."

"Uh, we don't have a textbook," Gary said in confusion.

"You mean you were stupid enough to lose it?" the professor asked with threat in his voice. "Hmm?"

"Maybe?" Gary asked after a second. "What if I did?"

"Do you remember me from last year?" Professor Drape asked Gary.

"Yes, I do...you...mind...reader." Gary then started to mutter about reading minds.

"Minds?" the professor repeated in confusion. The stated sternly and angrily, "I don't read minds!" He then added slyly, "But I can show you with my wand," trailing the wand in front of Gary. Gary swatted at it with his wand.

He then quickly stated, "No! No!" and stated something in agreement with Drape's 394 idea.

"Today we will be learning about werewolves," the professor nearly screamed at the class.

He started to say something else when Gary cut him off with, "I need to go get my book," and walked out of the classroom, door still open.

"He is a hopeless case," Professor Drape complained. "Mr. Splotter, come back here. Five points from Gryffindor!" he stated as he stormed towards the door.

"Five points from Gryffindor? Ahh!" Gary uttered, coming back to the classroom. "See my book?" he asked Malfoy as he threw it back out the door as he entered.

"Now then, today we will be learning about werewolves," the professor started, strangely picking up a habit of Professor Poopin during that topic. "Who knows the difference between a werewolf and a real wolf?" he asked the class. "Mr. Malfoy? Do you know? Oh, you probably do anyways. I'm not going to ask you. I'm going to ask the stupid one," he said to Gary, pointing at him. Gary looked around in confusion. "Splotter?"

"You - you mean me?" Gary asked timidly.

"Yes, the stupid one: you!"

"Oh," Gary said with relief. "Okay. Umm...uh..." Gary started to tap his wand on things and accidentally hit himself on the head, going, "Ow..." and rubbing the spot. "I don't know," he said quietly, so that Drape didn't hear him and yelled, "Hurry up! I'm getting - I'm losing my patience." "I - don't - know," Gary stated evenly.

"Yes. Five points."

"To me or from me?"

"From -"

"Oh."

"-you. Now then -"

"No smirking," Gary told Malfoy, pointing at him.

"-I have a homework assignment for you all. Except for you Mr. Malfoy - you know everything. But especially for you," Professor Drape told Gary, pointing at him. Unfortunately for Gary, his attention faded out at that point.

Chapter 6

Bad Quidditch and a Way Into Hogsmeade

"Welcome to today's Quidditch match," the Quidditch announcer told the fans. "It's in a really stormy weather. And - Hedgerick Hickory just got struck by lightning!" A gigantic flash lit the stadium as the crowd "ooh"ed and "ahh"ed. "And Mr. Splotter is about to get the snitch..."

Gary took out his wand and uttered Lumos to light his way. "...about to get the snitch. And - what are those things? They look like - Dementors!" To Gary's poor luck, two Dementors entered the stadium, rushing upon Gary. Gary started to scream as he spiraled towards the ground. Voices were entering his head at too rapid a speed for check. The voices soon started to make sense. "Uh...are you new here?" he heard himself say, though his mouth wasn't moving. "Uh, you look scary. You are scary. Get away from me!" Gary screamed, just as he hit the ground. Screaming, he thrashed on the ground, desperately trying to get away from the Dementors. Just then a voice yelled, "Expecto Patronum!" The Dementors fled the scene, leaving a writhing Gary on the ground.

The entire stadium watched in anticipation, the rain pouring heavily. "Looks like this Quidditch match is finished," the announcer said at length. "And...Hufflepuff wins."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gary was lying on his bed in the hospital wing, doing snow angel motions on his stomach. He stopped as soon as he heard a voice. "Man, he fell from that high? I can't believe he's still alive," Otter Hood mentioned to the other mass of people surrounding Gary's bed.

"Too bad, huh? It would remove us of one other stupid person in this world," Teddy Pott, a Slytherin, said contently. The other Gryffindors shoved him away from the bed.

"His broomstick's smashed," Hedgerick Hickory mentioned. "He probabl- he won't be playing Quidditch for the rest of the year now." The ones who didn't like Gary started to laugh, despite the slight opposition of a few. Suddenly, the short breaths of Madame Profey were heard approaching.

At that moment, Gary rolled over and exclaimed, "That was fun!" and laughed hysterically. Then his entire body slumped.

"That's not funny!" Hedgerick yelled at him.

"Okay, now, does anyone have some chocolate?" Madame Profey asked quickly.

"No!" Gary told her.

"Chocolate's bad for you," Hedgerick told her. "It makes you fat!"

"Hey! I resent that," Gary told Hedgerick.

"Chocolate warms you," Madame Profey told them all. Gary reached out and pinched Dribble at that moment. "Excuse me Mr. Splotter, I can not having you touch students...who are...your friends."

"Ow!" Dribble went on in the background. "My butt!"

"Have this chocolate!" she declared, shoving it into Gary's mouth. He swallowed it. Dribble continued to moan in pain.

Feeling better, Gary got up from the bed. "I'm done!" he told everyone. "I farted." He took his wand and started to beat Madame Profey. "So, uh, what happened?" he asked.

"Slytherin will beat you this year," Hedgerick told him.

"You fell," Dom told him. "You fell from your broom. I don't know how to explain this, but your broomstick - yeah, it, um, splintered."

"Oh, okay."

"You can't play Quidditch anymore."

"Okay," said complacently, just shrugging his shoulders. He dropped his wand, bent to pick it back up, when he jerked back up again. "Wait! I can't play Quidditch anymore?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"And, um, and, um, Mr. Splotter - you lost," Professor Poopin told Gary. "You lost your first match. You - lost - match," the professor tried to tell Gary when it didn't seem it dawned on him, grabbing Gary's arm, to which Gary started to beat Professor Poopin. "Now, uh, the rest of the students are going to Hogsmeade, so just sit here and stay tight." With that, everyone left the room, the professor adding, "Go mope around the school."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gary was pleased with himself. "I'm so smart. I am going to go to there with my Invisibility Cloak. Hehehe. I have it on. I'm invisible." With that Gary started to sing a song to go along with his sneaking through the castle. As he was going, he happened to notice two people coming his way. "Ah, there's Gred and Forge. Watch as I go right pass them 'cause I am invisible! Yes." With that, he resumed his singing.

Both the Measly twins noticed Gary. "Let's catch him; let's catch him," Gred suggested. "One."

"Two."

"Three!"

"Ahhh! How'd you see it was me?" Gary asked in alarm.

"Hey," both twins said simultaneously.

"It's you," Forge continued.

"Hey Gary," Gred went on. "You remember us? Dom's brother?"

"Yes! Gred and Forge."

"I'm Gred!" Forge exclaimed.

"I'm Gred!" Gred countered.

"No," Forge denied, laughing, "I am."

"Then I'm Forge!" Gred stated.

"Well, that's your problem!" Forge laughed, clearly amused.

"How did you guys find me?" Gary demanded, quickly growing impatient of their antics.

"Um, you - do you think you're invisible? Do - do you think you're invisible?" Gred asked the confused Gary.

Gary took a glance at his arm. "Yes," Gary stated confidently.

"I see purple," Forge pointed out, referring to Gary's shirt.

"You're, uh - not."

"You're not," Forge echoed.

"Oh, man, I knew I was forgetting something - the cloak," Gary said with a slight smile of embarrassment to Gred and Forge.

"Now, we have to give you something," Gred told Gary.

"Something - this'll help you much more than your cloak."

"To get into Hogsmeade."

"The easy way."

Gred pulled a piece of blank paper out. "This."

"This is the secret to our success," Forge told him eagerly.

"We call this - The Good Boy's Map. Nice twist of irony, if I don't say so myself," Gred explained proudly. "Now, the way you open it is by saying, 'I solemnly swear I am a good boy,' by tapping it with your wand." Gary looked over his person.

"Your wand," Forge repeated. "Where is your wand?"

Gary looked on the ground and spotted it. Picking it up, he said, "Well, clumsy me! I dropped my wand. Here it is now."

"Tap: say, 'I solemnly swear I am a good boy.'," Gred told Gary while holding the paper out for him.

Gary tapped the paper and said, "I solemnly swear...I'm awesome."

"It doesn't work that way," Gred corrected.

"I solemnly swear I am a good boy," Gary said, trying again. Like magic (which it was) the paper unfolded, an entire map of Hogwarts unfolding for Gary's use. "Yeah, how's that?" Gary asked the twins.

"Now, if you ever wanna seal it, you gotta say, 'Deed managed,' or else anybody can read it," Gred further instructed Gary.

"Deed managed," Gary said, turning the paper blank. "It's blank," he pointed out.

"Now, see you in Hogsmeade."

"Oh, okay. Bye," he told them and walked off.

Chapter 7

A Glimpse Into Gary's Past

Dom was standing outside the Shrieking Shack, a little more scared than he'd like to admit. "Oh my gosh," he uttered. Then Malfoy entered. "Malfoy..."

"Well, look who it is," Malfoy said smugly. "A little Measly. I bet you love that house right there."

"Who said I love the house?" Dom asked defensively.

Vincent Nabbe, Gregory Soiled, and Malfoy all looked at Dom for a moment. Finally Soiled said, "You did."

Malfoy scoffed and responded, "You did."

"I said it was a stupid house!" Dom quickly tried to counter.

Soiled stopped for a moment, stopped in thought. "What do you mean stupid?" he asked slowly. Then attention seized him. "Who're you calling stupid?" he asked menacingly, shaking his fist.

Suddenly Dom felt something nip his leg. He gasped. "Heh? Ice cubes...ice cubes."

"Is this some ploy of yours?" Soiled asked slowly.

Before he could answer, he screamed in pain as an ice cube collided with his body.

Unwittingly, Soiled thought he figured it out. "Are you scared of mosquitoes?" he asked humorously.

"No!" Dom exclaimed desperately. "Ice cubes!"

"Ice cubes?"

"What ice cubes?" Malfoy asked nervously.

Nabbe lost his wits and ran off screaming, "Possessed ice cubes!"

"I'm pretty sure someone's throwing ice cubes," Dom tried to say with certainty in his voice.

"I don't see any ice cubes," Malfoy said menacingly, approaching Dom. "There's no ice cubes."

"Somebody's throwing ice cubes," Dom repeated stubbornly.

Malfoy looked around. "Like who?"

Dom was starting to regain his confidence. "I dunno. The Dementors?" he taunted.

Soiled was amused. "Ooo...Dementors...ooo" he mocked Dom.

"Or...a spirit from the Shrieking Shack?" he tried again.

Nabbe came up behind Soiled at that time and started to hold him tightly, being absolutely terrified. Soiled tried to shake him off.

Suddenly Malfoy screamed like a little girl. Something had hit him. Soiled started to scream too, screaming "Ghost!"

"Are you getting a little scared here?" Dom asked happily.

"No," Soiled said stubbornly as Malfoy whimpered.

"I'm sure you are."

"Someone grabbed me!" Malfoy exclaimed as Gary groped Malfoy under the Invisibility Cloak.

"What's going on?" Soiled asked in surprise as Malfoy shrieked again. "Get him!" Soiled yelled at nothing as he charged at Malfoy.

"Run little Malfoy!" Dom taunted as Malfoy bolted. "The spirits are going to get you! The spirits are going to get you!"

Nabbe tried to be brave by attacking Dom but Gary easily swooped in and dragged Nabbe away. After the three had finally ran off, Gary took off his cloak in front of Dom.

"Oh, that was sweet Gary!" Dom bleated his approval.

"What did I do?" Gary asked with a gasp. He was panting from his work.

"Dude, you just forced them away, man!" Dom laughed.

"Oh, cool," Gary said as they exchanged a high five.

"Yeah."

"Eywoo," Gary muttered as he fell over. "I tripped."

"C'mon, let's go to the Three Headsticks for, um, a little bit of Butterbeer," Dom suggested as Gary pulled himself up.

"Okay."

"Alright."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After they had arrived, Gary had noticed the Minister of Magic, KoЯnelius Pudge, was entering a back room with Madame Persona. Without telling Dom he threw on his Indivisibility Cloak and followed. "Hmm. Hey, who's that? What's that noise?" he asked as he entered the room in which they were contained.

"Ah, thank you. Butterbeer," Pudge said happily as he tried to take a glass from Madame Persona.

"But I'm shining this!" she exclaimed as Pudge yanked it from her hands.

"I don't care!" he said as he gulped down the contents. "Anyways, so, I heard they spotted Layed Back at the castle. Seems Bumbledor isn't keeping on top of things at Hogwarts. Always knew that man couldn't do his job. Can you believe when they thought he might become minister? As if!"

"Mmhmm," Madame Persona murmured.

"Hmm, I wonder who're these people," Gary had been muttering the whole time. "Layed Back? Hmm. Layed Back: that name rings a bell."

"What's unusually scary is that Amos Potter - Gary Splotter's dad - was best friends with Layed Back!" Pudge fretted.

"Really?"

"Yes. It's so surprising how they turned."

"Yes." Madame Persona paused for a moment, thinking, before exclaiming, "What has Layed Back done to their family if Amos is still alive?

"Layed Back led He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to Gary and in trying to kill Gary, made Gary stupid," Pudge explained.

After a pause, Madame Persona said, "I thought he was naturally that way."

"Really?" Pudge asked, amused. "Yes, well, we've tried to play it off as that. We don't want him getting too much attention. Professor Bumbledor -"

"The child is a bumbling oaf," Madame Persona interrupted. "How can he not get attention?"

"We don't know," Pudge said, laughing along with the bartender. "Of course he gets a lot of attention, but we don't want any negative attention. Of course, he's got enough of that by Professor Drape to be going on like that. And so horrible that someone like that - why, I remember him at school - could turn so evil," Pudge sighed, changing the subject without telling Madame Persona. "And, remember, Peter Pepper Piper? Remember that foolish little oaf that was always walking around. Reminds me a bit of Gary, actually."

They both stepped back into thought and Madame Persona interjected, sadly, "My dear cousin...." They both looked at each other.

"I thought you were Madame Persona?" Pudge asked.

"I am," she said earnestly. "It's a long thing: my uncle got drunk one night," she explained, waving it away. "I don't want to go into any details."

"Of course not." Gary looked over towards the door at that moment to see that Foaming Turtle had wandered away from the castle, apparently high again, and was looking in through the door. "Now then, um, of course, they say, he cornered Layed Back, later, and Layed Back* blew him to pieces."

Gary sat, laughed, and said, "They can't see me."

"All they found were fingers."

Gary gasped, held up his own fingers and said, "A finger!" and started to wave them in front of himself.

"Now then," Pudge announced, "I need to get going."

Gary got up and bolted out of the room, saying, "I gotta get outa here." Once he was out of the room, he said, "So, Layed Back was friends with my dad. Layed Back was friends with my dad! And he killed him! That's why I'm dumb! I am not dumb: I am smart. I am the smartest man in the world. I am so smart...wait," Gary said, coming to a stop in his speech. Suddenly, his face twisted into rage. He growled. "Layed Back ruined my life...oh well!" he shrugged and went on his way.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

*At this point Pudge had yelled, "Hey you!" at Foaming Turtle and she had disappeared from sight.

Chapter 8

Vanilla Versus the Foe

"What's happening right now," Gary said to himself while he was waiting in Professor Poopin's classroom, "is Profe- is Professor Poopin - hehe - well, he said that he'd te- uh, teach me how to fend for, uh, Dementors in, uh, some kind of spell. I forgot. And, well, those guys that turn into...yeah." Professor Poopin entered at that moment with a suitcase in his hand. "And, now, here - here he is."

"Well, Gary-"

"What's that?"

"It's a suitcase with a Boggart in it," the professor answered promptly.

"Boggart? Oh, yeah, Boggart. That's what they were! Oh."

"Now then-"

"Oh, I don't have my wand," Gary noticed. "Where's my wand?"

"-do you have your wand with you?"

"Uh, no I don't."

"Where did you place your wand?" the professor asked. "I believe you did have it," he muttered to himself as he went to look for it.

"Uh, maybe it's up my butt! Professor Poopin," Gary said, laughing, as Professor Poopin handed Gary's wand to Gary. The professor just sighed.

"Anyways, the incantation is Expecto Patronum," he told Gary, demonstrating the wand movements.

"Okay: Expecto Menonum," Gary said confidently and with understanding.

"No," Professor Poopin repeated, "Expecto Patronum."

"Expecto Pe-tra-numb."

"Patronum!"

"Patronum."

"Expecto Patronum," Professor Poopin said again.

"Expecto Patronum," Gary repeated. "Okay."

"Okay. Now then-"

"Open this dingbat and let it rip," Gary instructed the professor.

"-I am going to open it...now then," Professor Poopin said as he fumbled with the straps.

"Three! Two! I'll get this," Gary offered when he noticed the professor was struggling.

"Oh, fine." After Gary undid the clasps, he back away as he and Professor Poopin counted down.

"Three! Two! One!" Professor Poopin opened the suitcase and Gary shrieked.

"Oh my God! It's Professor Poopin! And he's - skinny! He must've BMed! Geez!"

"Gary!" the actual professor cut in, "concentrate! Concentrate Gary!

"Redikulisa!" Gary shouted, swinging the remote to Professor Poopin's T. V. around.

"Riddikulus," the Boggart Professor Poopin corrected Gary.

"No, you go back in there," Gary told him.

"Oh, why?" the Boggart asked as he started to re-enter the suitcase. Professor Poopin closed the suitcase and looked at Gary sternly.

"Gary, next time, concentrate. Now, concentrate on the Dementors - the Dementors - the Dementors," he told Gary, sounding like a broken record.

"Okay, next time I'm thinking -" Gary started to say before he hit himself on the head with the controller and knocked one of the batteries out.

"Okay, next time you shouldn't do that," the professor told him as Gary bent down to find the battery on the floor. He then started to sing. "Gary, you're scaring me." Professor Poopin stuck his head into the suitcase and then removed it. "Okay, this is going to take forever Gary. The Boggart is not ready yet, apparently." Tired, the professor decided he'd ask Gary some questions. "So Gary, how do you like your other two Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers - Professor Squirrel and Professor Mocktart?"

"They suck," Gary said with enthusiasm.

"Alright. Okay. Ready? Three, two, one...how do you like me?" Gary smiled and gave him a thumbs-up.

"Alright: three, two, one," and with that Professor Poopin opened the suitcase. Gary moaned. "Remember the incantation - remember it," the professor reminded him.

"Uh - Extracto Vanilla," Gary yelled at the Boggart Dementor as it neared him. "Hmm, smells good," and then, "Smells good!" as the Boggart reached at him.

"Do it! Hurry!" Professor Poopin urged.

"Expecto Patronum!" Gary yelled nervously. "Petro- ah! Ohh!" Gary exclaimed as he fell over in front of the Boggart.

"Okay, that didn't work out," Professor Poopin said dismally.

"I farted," Gary announced.

"Why not?" asked the Boggart.

"He fainted," Professor Poopin explained. The Boggart then returned to the suitcase. Professor Poopin then turned towards Gary. "Gary, you did very well."

"I did? I said the wrong thing! I said Extracto Vanilla and got Vanilla extract! Which smelled very good."

"Alright. Well, Gary, this anti-Dementor lesson is over," Professor Poopin told Gary as he started to re-latch the suitcase.

"One more! One more," Gary pleaded.

"Oh, alright. Three, two, one," and with that Professor Poopin opened the suitcase again.

"Okay, I'm gonna get it this time," Gary told himself out loud. "Expecto Patronum!" the boggart was blasted back.

"Yes!" Professor Poopin exclaimed.

"I did it!" Gary shouted.

"Yes! Now, that wasn't a fully fledged Patronus but it was excellent! Now then...this lesson is over - and, um, I'll be leaving now." With that the professor left the room, passing Dom on his way out.

"Gary!" Dom alerted Gary. "This stupid cat, Smellyreeks - it ate my rat Cheddars!" Dom told him as he threw the cat to the ground. The cat rolled around, meowing in an irritated fashion.

"Smellyreeks? I hate you Smellyreeks!" Gary proclaimed as he kicked the cat. He then looked at Dom. "Cheddars?" he asked. "Who's Cheddars? Who's Cheddars?"

"My rat, Cheddars: he's gone!" Dom explained. "And you know what? I found her hair on it."

"That sucks," Gary told Dom for comfort as Dom glared at Smellyreeks and Smellyreeks meowed with threat at Dom. Gary kicked the cat again and it shrieked in fear as it flew halfway across the room. "I claim this cat dead!" he proclaimed as the cat ran away from his foot as he ran and tried to step on it.

"Gary, listen," Dom interrupted, trying to grab Gary's attention, "I also got this note from Tagrid. Bikebeak's going to be executed.

Gary gasped and exclaimed, "Oh, no...let's go!"

"Right."

Chapter 9

Layed Back's Secret

Gary and Dom were heading towards the forbidden forest, walking together. "At least I fin- finally found Cheddars," Dom was telling Gary. "He was- he wasn't eaten!"

"Well, I think you owe someone an apology," Gary told Dom.

"He's really squiggling - he's squiggling!" Dom gasped as Cheddars jumped out of his hands and ran off. "No! Cheddars!" With that Dom chased after the crazed rat.

"Wait!" Gary yelled after Dom, following the sounds of Dom's emissions of pain as he tripped and fell over himself while chasing Cheddars. "Get him!"

"No; stupid Cheddars! No!" Dom exclaimed, jumping to try to catch the maniacal rodent.

"Oh no!" Gary uttered, realizing his current surroundings. "D- do you know what tree that is?" he asked the pained Dom who was lying on the floor, wrestling with his pet.

Suddenly dog barks erupted the relatively silent night. "Oh my God!" A rather small white dog charged forth, grabbing Dom by his shirt and dragging his with imperceptible strength towards the Whomping Willow. "I can't watch; I can't watch!" Gary shrieked. He then paused. "I have to." He turned back to see a tortured Dom seemingly get dragged into the ground near the tree.

"Where'd he go?" Gary asked in confusion. "Where'd he go?" Gary started to approach the tree, looking around for Dom when a branch gave him a left hook to the floor. "Ohh...I just got hit by the tree," Gary muttered as he tried to roll away. "It's the Whomping Willow. Oh, God!" He started to get up when an uppercut lifted him into the air and sent him crashing harder than he would have wished. "Holy cow! It's everywhere! It's everywhere!" he mumbled and he tried to frantically look around to anticipate the tree's next move. "Ah! The tree! It's the tree! It's the Whomping Willow! Ahh!" Gary exclaimed as he ran in circles. A right hook sent Gary's head to a rendezvous with the dirt. "Gah! That hurts." Gary crawled forward a little and fell through the hole that the dog and Dom had disappeared through. Gary was still muttering about the tree as he entered the room that Dom was in. He noticed he was in the Shrieking Shack.

"Dom; Dom; Dom; there you are. Dom, where's - where'd the dog go?" Dom was lying with what looked like a bruised leg against a wall in the shack.

"It's not a dog! It's him!" Gary turned around to look.

"Him who?" he exclaimed as he turned back around.

"Layed Back!"

"Layed Back? Layed - who's Layed Back?" Gary then gasped. "Layed Back." Layed Back had shown himself. "Holy cow: it's Layed Back. Oh my God...I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!" Gary exclaimed and with that he charged at Layed Back.

"No, you're not gonna kill me!" Layed said in defiance but was tackled by Gary. They fell to the floor as they wrestled. Trying to stop Gary, Layed grabbed Gary's head and shoved it between his legs, trying to hold Gary still. Instead, Gary started to bite with fervor. Layed's voice hit all kinds of new octaves as he yanked at Gary hair, trying to dislodge him. "The rat is Peter Piper Pepper!" he screamed.

Gary removed himself and asked, "What?"

"What is he talking about, rat?" Dom asked in fatigued confusion.

"Rat?"

"Listen, I'm going to try to move on my own," Dom told them as he lifted himself up and started to walk as Layed continued to assert that Cheddars was Peter Pepper Piper. "I'll be right back. I'll be right back."

As Dom neared the hole entrance, Professor Poopin appeared, accidentally knocking Dom over as he ran past him. "Where is he, Layed? Where's Peter?" he asked as soon as he saw Layed.

However, before Layed Back could respond, Gary asked, "Professor Poopin? Why are you here?"

Professor Poopin turned to face Gary. He was very flustered. "Listen, I found your map; you should have handed it in!"

Gary looked embarrassed. "Oh, oh: that map," he said sheepishly.

"Listen: I found Peter Pepper Piper on the map tonight." Suddenly they all paused. "Wait, I hear somebody outside; moment." Layed groaned as Professor Poopin went back to the hole entrance.

"Expelliarmus!" a voice roared as a scarlet beam of light hit Professor Poopin square in the chest, blasting him off his feat and his wand into the air. Professor Drape rushed past the still wounded Dom that was lying on the ground and grabbed Layed by the throat and slammed him into a wall.

"Watch out; it's Professor Spade!" Gary tried to alert the poor Layed Back, but a tad bit too late.

"Stop trying to kill me," Layed told the maddened Professor Drape so that he tightened his grip on Layed's throat as he barked at Gary, "I'm Drape!"

"Oh yeah..." Gary murmured before turning to Layed and desperately saying, "He can read minds! He can read minds!"

Professor Drape shoved Gary away and raised his wand to Layed's head. "Give me reason to do it and I swear I will!" he spat.

"Expelliarmus!" Gary shouted at the heaving Professor Drape, casting him to the ground where his head struck a wooden plank, knocking him out.

"Thanks for saving me," Layed immediately said.

At that point Professor Poopin got up and feebly approached the two. "Thank you Gary."

"I wanna know-" Gary started before Professor Poopin interjected.

"Now then -"

"-Peter Pepper Piper whatever."

"We can prove it to you," he told Gary. "Oh Peter - come out!" And with that he cast a spell and a crouched man appeared with a moustache.

"Holy cow!" Gary exclaimed.

"Well, hello Peter," Professor Poopin greeted the man, slyly. "Long time no see."

"I was telling the truth: it's him!" Layed exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" Peter Piper Pepper asked nervously.

"Oh, we know that you tried to do in Gary here," Professor Poopin told Peter.

"It's - it's him!" Gary shouted, surprised. "It's - it's him!"

"I told you I was telling the truth!" Layed exclaimed again, bent on proving his innocence. He wiped his glasses on his shirt, for they were starting to fog up and collect dirt.

"Why - why would I bother with a sufferable oaf?" Peter stuttered.

"Hey!" Gary protested.

"Because - it was on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's order," Professor Poopin explained. "Tell him Layed!"

"Yes it is," Layed said after a pause.

"I - I had nothing to do with it!" Peter scoffed, trying to through the entire notion into insignificance.

Professor Poopin stared at him for a moment. "Yes you did!" He grabbed Peter by the throat and shoved him against the wall which Peter had already back up against. "You owe him the truth! Tell him the truth! Tell Gary the truth." In the background Gary agreed before a whacking sound was heard and Gary yelled, "Ow!" He had hit himself with his own wand.

"Alright," Peter gasped. All breath was held.

"Yeah, tell him," Layed added after Peter paused for a second.

"I don't use soap."

"Why did you do it?" the professor demanded, slamming Peter against the wall again.

"I know why," Gary told them.

"Because he was gaining power and you wanted some?"

"...No, because I don't like to be clean...."

The professor stared at Peter warily for a moment before saying, "Well, you know what? Let's kill him."

"No! My dad would not want you to be killers by the likes of him," Gary told them, coming forth.

"He's the reason you have that scar!" Professor Poopin argued.

"What scar? I don't see a scar," Gary said, running his hands over the squid on his forehead. "I see zits, but that's it."

"It's fashionable," Peter quickly intervened. "You - you like it!"

Professor Poopin sighed. "We'll take him up to the castle then. Does that suit you?" Gary clapped his hands in joy. "We'll take him to the Dementors. Let's go!"

"Yeah, go, go," Gary said, grabbing Peter Pepper Piper and dragging him along. They helped Dom up and Layed levitated Professor Drape as they crawled back out of the tree.

"I guess the tree stopped," Gary noted as they looked around.

"Gary, I have something to tell you," Layed said, carelessly raising his wand and causing Professor Drape to smack his head on some branches. Those came alive and started to pummel the body. Layed didn't seem to notice. He faced Gary directly and said very dramatically, "I am your godfather."

"So?"

Professor Poopin fought for Gary's attention next. "And - I didn't tell you but - I'm a werewolf."

"That sucks," Gary sympathized.

"You have your mother's green eyes," Layed told Gary.

"Cool."

Suddenly the clouds shifted apart and the moon came into presence. Professor Poopin gasped. "The full moon...."

"Oh no," Gary exclaimed as the professor started to change before his eyes. "It's a full moon. Someone save us." At that Layed ran forward, trying to keep Professor Poopin in check. "Crap." To top things off, Peter Piper Pepper decided to flee at that moment. "What do I do?" Gary asked himself out loud. "It's the werewolf. He's beating up Si- he's beating up him." Gary screamed at that moment. "Get away from the werewolf! Get away from the werewolf!" A wolf cry then pierced the night. "He's running away," Gary observed.

Gary heard Dom hit the floor at that moment. "Oh no, Dom! Where are you Dom?" Gary asked as he ran forward. "Dom! Dom!"

"Peter Pepper Piper: he escaped," Dom told Gary as he rushed up to him.

"How's your leg?" Gary asked the wounded Dom.

"It's broken," Dom grunted, trying to prop himself up.

"Where - where did - where did, uh, Layed Back go?"

"To the lake," Dom told him, pointing.

"To the lake," Gary repeated, running in that direction.

"To the lake; hurry," Dom urged him.

"Wait! Layed Back! Layed Back!" Gary called to a running figure off in the distance.

"Here I am!" Layed shouted from the ground before he lay down again, passed out.

"Oh, it's so cold," Gary muttered, a tad bit afraid. "Oh no." A Dementor approached him. Suddenly there were hundreds. Wrapped in his fear, Gary swayed around, desperately trying to say the incantation. "E- Expecto - Expecto - Patr- P- P- Extracto Vanilla - no, that's the vanilla one - no!" he exclaimed as a Dementor took a grasp at him. He continued to babble as he fell over and lay on the grass, the Dementors closing in.

At that moment, a voice shouted, "Expecto Patronum!" and the Dementors scattered, fleeing from what looked like a silverfish light.

Gary moaned as he rolled over. Then something caught his eye. "Dad?" he asked weakly, staring at a distant figure. The figure made no acknowledgement of Gary. "Dad!" Gary shouted desperately. Unfortunately, that spent the last of his energy. "Dad...dad?" he asked as his voice faltered, even as he passed out, his eyes never leaving the figure standing at the side of the lake.

Chapter 10

A Flip In Time

Gary awoke in the Hospital Wing. However, Madame Profey was no where in site. Gary propped himself up and looked around, confused and trying to remember what had happened. Then Professor Bumbledor entered the room.

"Ah, Mr. Splotter. Good to see you are awake. And, luckily, it seems we still have time to reverse what has happened."

"So?" Gary asked, shrugging his shoulders.

"Now, I must go get your friend Mr. Measly." With that, the professor left the room. He returned a few seconds later with Dom, whose leg had healed and seemed to be feeling better. Professor Bumbledor lifted a small hour glass that was hanging from a chain around Dom's neck. "Flip this three times," he instructed the two students. "I wish you luck," was the last bit of information that he left them as he departed from the room.

"What's that Dom?" Gary asked of the hourglass around Dom's neck.

"You know how it seems I haven't been at classes sometimes Gary?" Dom asked as he started to flip the hourglass.

"Yeah?" Gary asked as light placement and students in different beds in the room started to change.

"This can take you back some hours in time; I've been using it to attend multiple classes."

Gary sighed in exasperation. "What's happened to the good old days of slacking off?"

Dom looked at his watch. "It's 7:30," he told Gary.

"7:30?" Gary asked, sticking his head out a window. "It's still dark outside. I guess the moon's covered."

"Good."

"For now."

"Listen," Dom started, turning towards Gary, "I know who we need to save: Bikebeak!"

"Bikebeak! Oh yeah," Gary said in realization. "How?" he looked out the window again. "There's Tagrid's place. It's his backyard," Gary told Dom, pointing.

"Alright, let's go." The two sneaked down to the school grounds and to where Bikebeak was chained up. He shook his wheel-like head and made squeaking noises when Gary approached. He still remembered Gary had beaten him. Gary took it the other way though.

"Hey, it's alright fellow. We're gonna rescue you!"

"Listen, we need to go to the lake again," Dom told Gary. "We need to watch for them coming out of the Whomping Willow."

"I don't want to get hit again! That hurt!" Gary objected.

"What? See, what I'm thinking is with the werewolf - with Poopin turning into the werewolf. What I'm thinking is the howling - that was us!"

"Oh...."

"So we need to save ourselves from Poopin - and Layed! If Layed dies before that - we've got no time to waste. C'mon." With that Dom took off, Gary leading Bikebeak behind him. When they had reached near the Whomping Willow, they patiently waited.

"Be quiet: blend, blend with surrounding," Gary said rather loudly after some time.

Then the group emerged. Gary started to listen in. "Gary, I have something to tell you: I am your godfather," he heard Layed tell him. The tree branches were already busy on Professor Drape.

"That's scary," Dom remarked on Layed's overly dramatic revealing.

As they continued watching, Gary laughed and told Dom, "This is not normal. Geez!"

Suddenly Dom stopped Gary. "Uh oh! Poopin is changing."

Gary gasped. "Oh no! We gotta get away."

"He's gonna attack any moment."

"Crap. He's attacking!" Gary exclaimed as the two took off.

"Wait, nobody's coming; nobody's howling!" Dom remarked. "You howl," he told Gary.

"Um, uh, okay. Sound like a wolf, okay." Gary started to do an Indian call. "Oh, wait. No, that's Indian." He started to moan and groan loudly.

"That's whale," Dom told him.

"Oh, that's whale. I forgot -" and then he did it, suddenly remembering. The werewolf went straight for them.

"Oh shoot," both of them muttered, taking off. Luckily, after running around a bit, they lost the werewolf.

"Listen, we need to get to the lake," Dom told Gary. "We need to get to the lake. Hurry."

"Get to the lake?" Gary asked. Then he saw his godfather. "Layed Back! I got you!" He started to rush to him before Dom stopped him.

"Wait, just a minute," he told Gary, holding up a cell phone. "I just got a phone call.

"A phone call?" Gary asked incredulously.

"Yeah."

"Dom, do you mind?" he asked haughtily, turning back to run to Layed.

"It's your dad!" Dom quickly told him.

"It is? Ask him if he's coming."

"Alright," Dom told him as he started to steer Bikebeak towards Layed Back with Gary following.

Gary then remembered that he had seen a figure by the lake. "It was my dad! My dad's here! He's coming!"

"No! He was just there on the phone. He has no intension of coming!" Dom told the disgruntled Gary.

"Since when?" Gary asked, unwilling to believe. "Where's dad?"

Dom gave up. "I don't know. You need to find someway to force back all of those Dementors, 'cause you and Layed Back are dying."

"My dad's coming though," Gary said excitedly. "Dad?" He then stopped. "Wait: it was me. Expecto Patronum!" A silver monkey erupted from Gary's wands, flapping its arms wildly as it threw itself into the horde of Dementors, scattering them.

"I did it! I didn't say Extracto Vanilla; I said the right one," an astonished, yet happy Gary exclaimed. "Sweet." The Patronus then double back and knocked into Gary before screeching away.

"Gary!" Dom called as he ran up to him.

"What?"

"What was that?"

"Monkeys!"

"You actually did it! Wait, it ran you over first, didn't it?"

"I think so," Gary answered in a daze.

"That's very highly advanced magic -" Dom started to say.

"Do you know what Dom? Monkeys are taking over the world with their opposable toes."

"Listen, we need to go save Layed now - with Bikebeak. C'mon." The two ran up to the bewildered man. "Hey Layed," Dom greeted him.

"Layed - there you are."

"About time," he muttered, walking over to Bikebeak.

"This is Bikebeak," Dom told him.

Layed started to pet the Hippobike enthusiastically. As he got ready to take off, he turned to Gary and said, "You truly are your father's son."

Gary laughed. "Well, duh. Isn't everyone their father's son? I mean, seriously."

Layed thought about it for a moment. "Well, it depends; it depends."

"It depends?"

But Layed had already taken off, shouting, "So long, suckers!"

"I hope we'll see him soon," Dom said.

The sound of Layed going, "Woohoo!" echoed in the distance.

"Well, there goes one dummy," Gary commented.

"Yeah, now we just gotta get rid of you," Dom told him.

"Crud."

"Well, until our next adventure Gary." He sighed deeply. "Until tomorrow morning."

Gary smiled. "The end."

Chapter 11

One Last Gift

Dom walked into the Common Room to see Gary playing a video game. He walked in front of the plasma screen shared by all Gryffindors. "I was playing a game here!" Gary complained.

"Yeah, you know what? The Dementors have finally been removed from the school," he told Gary.

"Dementors?" Gary asked in confusion.

"Finally gone?" a random Gryffindor asked.

"What are Dementors?" Gary asked, smiling in slight embarrassment. "What's a Dementor?"

"Anyways, this package arrived for you at the table. I, uh, wouldn't open it but...Forge made me," Dom told Gary.

"What are you talking about? You wanted to open it!" Forge objected, removing some of his black hair from the front of his face.

"Yeah right!" Dom objected as Gary started to jab Forge with the end of the new broom he had just got. Forge tried to pull it away.

"No! This is mine - mine! What is it?"

"It's a Lightningbolt," Dom told him excitedly.

"A Lightningbolt? Oh...." Gary then pretended he was being zapped by lightning.

"It's the new broomstick. It's the best broomstick. It's the best broomstick. Oh, and you know what was found with it?" Dom asked. "You know what was found with it? Pieces of burned rubber."

Gary was confused. "Why?"

"Gee, Layed Back must've really used Bikebeak."

"Oh."

"Wanna ride it?"

Gary perked up. "Yeah!" He got up.

"Can I ride it?" Forge asked.

"No!" He started to whack Forge with the broom. "I'm gonna hit you! He got on the broom and started to ride around. Both Dom and Forge had to duck several times. Then he flew into a wall. Dom ran up to him to help him up.

"Well, you know what? 'Til next year Gary!" he told Gary, holding up a fist. "Ride the Lightning Bolt."

Gary took off for a couple of yards before crashing and rolling around on the ground. "Burned rubber!" he shouted happily, hit himself on the head with the broom, and said, "Ow!"

"You know, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to skip the feast," Dom told Forge.