The End

J.K. Rowling sat solemnly in front of her computer screen. It was late--too late for anyone to be up. She had been working on that stupid Harry Potter book all day. All day. The whole frickin day. Through her window from her chair behind her computer she watched the sun go up. Through the window on the opposite side of the room she watched it go down. Now she looked out to see a blood-red moon rising over the horizon. Blood--that's what she wanted. Those money-obsessed moochers kept hounding her for book after book. "Faster, faster! You're not writing fast enough!" It made her sick. She wanted to live her own life. She wanted to take a break from this Harry hullabaloo. "But we made you, you ungrateful swine!" the crowds would shout. She regretted ever writing the stupid books. She looked at the computer screen again.

"It's time to end this all..." she said somberly as she began to type.

***

Harry was walking down the halls to his first class of the day, Potions. He entered the Potions classroom to greet a cheery Professor Snape.

"Where is your fan club?" Snape asked Harry, noting that Ron and Hermione weren't with him.

"Oh, they both died this morning," Harry said matter-of-factly.

***

"Ha, that got rid of those characters fast..." J.K. laughed as she continued to type.

***

"Dead, eh? Well, that's two more nuisances off my hands," Snape said.

Harry sat down between Neville Longbottom, who had accidentally killed himself with a potion gone awry, and Seamus Finnigan, who had tried but failed to escape the fiery explosion. He pushed their corpses off the table and took out his supplies for that day's class.

"Potter, come up here and demonstrate how to make a Sleeping Potion," Snape said.

"Okay."

Harry went to the front of the class and started to mix potion ingredients in a cauldron at the front of the classroom. After a few minutes of stirring the bubbling brew, Harry took the spoon out of the potion to find that the spoon had been burned away.

"Now give it to Malfoy to test," Snape said.

"Okay."

Harry got a vial of the potion and gave it to Malfoy, who didn't say anything because he had magically become a mute overnight. Malfoy drank the potion, and a few seconds later mysteriously died.

"You dummy!" Snape said, rolling his eyes at Harry's stupidity.

Everyone in the class laughed at Harry. Even Harry laughed, for Snape had such a good sense of humor that you couldn't help but laugh.

"Professor Snape, you're so funny!" Harry said, still laughing.

Snape laughed and did one of those things where you point at someone with both hands and wink at the same time like that dude on 'Loveboat'.

***

"Let's see how those punk editors like that..." J.K. giggled as she took a drag from a cigarette.

***

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was in the back of the classroom taking notes on how to be a good teacher. He figured that since Snape was everyone's new favorite teacher that he could pick up a few pointers from him. He quickly wrote down 'dummy' and 'point' on a notepad he was holding.

"I could've avoided all this if I had gone to college..." Dumbledore muttered to himself.

"Now, let's have someone write the ingredients to a Burping Potion here on the chalkboard," Snape said, throwing a piece of chalk up and down.

"I will!" Harry, who's butt had just barely touched his seat from the last time he was up, shouted.

"Harry Potter!" Snape said with his new overly humorous tone of voice.

Harry jumped up and Snape gave him the piece of chalk. Harry began to write in earnest on the board, and after a few minutes was done.

"Now, let's look at what our dear Harry Potter wrote," Snape said as Harry sat back down, giggling to himself in a proud sort of way.

"I done good!" Harry said.

"Shut up, Harry," everyone said in unison.

"Hi, Lavender..." Harry said dreamily to Lavender Brown, who was sitting right next to him. It was quite well known that he had a tremendous crush on Lavender (since Ginny had run away to join the Bolivian circus).

"Oh...hi, Harry..." she responded.

"Hi, Lavender..." Harry said again.

"I already said hi, Harry! Are you listening?"

"Hi, Lavender..."

"Shut up!"

"Hi, Lavender..."

"Potter!" Snape said, suddenly getting Harry's attention.

"Yeah?"

"Look at what our dear Mr. Potter wrote on the board, everyone! He writes that if you put three horned tails in a vial of humus and add a dash of blood salt, you get a Burping Potion."

"You mean it's not right?" Harry asked.

"No! You a idiot!"

"'You a idiot'..." Dumbledore muttered to himself as he wrote it on his notepad.

"Professor Snape, you're so funny!" Harry said as the class all laughed.

"Harry!" Lavender said suddenly.

"Hi, Lavender..." Harry said again, drool starting to come out of his mouth.

"I think I like you, too," she said as she leaned in and kissed him.

But alas! Lavender was allergic to Harry and died after kissing him just once!

"Eh, it was fun while it lasted," Harry said.

"The correct way to make a Burping Potion," Snape said, getting Harry's attention again, "is to pour some Coke into your cauldron! It's that frickin easy! D'you know why?"

"Why?" the class asked.

"Because there is no such thing as a Burping Potion! You complete imbeciles!"

"Professor Snape, you're so funny!"

Again, Snape winked and did that pointing thing that was described above.

"'Complete imbeciles'..." Dumbledore said as he continued to write.

"So now," Snape said, pacing the front of the room as he looked down at the remainder of his class, "who can tell me what is the purpose of a Tintactica?"

Harry raised his hand.

"Harry Potter!" Snape said.

"A Tintactica is a potion that you put on a nail that makes it able to penetrate impregnable membranes."

"No!" Snape shouted. "Where the crap did you come up with that? There is no such thing as a Tintactica! I made it up! You stupid son of a biscuit!"

Again, the class erupted in laughter and Snape did that pointing thing.

"'Son of a biscuit'..." Dumbledore said as he continued to write intensely.

"Next on my class agenda..." Snape said, consulting a lesson plan he had written up in a notebook on his desk, "...is a Flying Potion." Snape laughed evilly. "So who wants to try to make one?"

"I do!" Harry said, even though he didn't know a Flying Potion even existed until about five seconds earlier.

"Fine. Make it here in this cauldron," Snape said, motioning to an empty cauldron at the front of the class.

Harry began to mix ingredients as he hummed the song 'Flying' by the Beatles. When he had finished, he gave Snape a pat on the shoulder and sat down in his seat.

"Let us see..." Snape said as he took a vial to get some of the potion out of the cauldron. He took it and poured it on Crabbe, who was sleeping rather loudly. Immediately, Crabbe began to fly in the air.

"Look, it worked!" Harry shouted as Crabbe continued to sleep as he floated through the air.

But as he said this, Crabbe flew out of a window in the dungeon, even though there were never any windows in the dungeon before.

***

"I'll show those idiots who made the movies," J.K. said as she continued to type.

***

Just for laughs, Goyle flew out of the window with Crabbe.

"So, I guess I'm not going to get that recommendation for the University?" Harry said, looking a little dejectedly at the ground.

"Harry, my unborn baby is smarter than you! I wouldn't give you a recommendation to be a janitor at the University!" Snape said. And as the class laughed he pointed and winked again.

"'Unborn baby'..." Dumbledore muttered as he wrote on his notepad.

"Snape is pregnant?" Harry said to himself in puzzlement.

"Now last on our list," Snape said, "is a complete midterm exam."

"But it's only October," Harry said to Snape.

"Yo' momma," Snape said. Again the laughing, winking, and pointing.

"Mr. Snape, my mom is dead," Harry said.

"Oh...well..." Snape looked like he wouldn't be able to come back from this one. "Well...um...look, an acromantula!"

As the class looked in horror around the room, Snape ran away.

"'Run away'..." Dumbledore said to himself as he wrote.

"Well, I guess I'll go back to my dorm now," Harry said.

But lo! Harry had not planned to meet Voldemort in the hallway!

"I will kill you now!" Voldemort shouted.

"Look, Voldemort, why can't we all just live in harmony?" Harry said. "Come on, man. I'm not going to fight. I'm just going to stand here."

"What? You crazy boy! Fight me now!"

"Fighting is wrong, Mr. Voldermort, sir."

"So you're just going to let me kill you?"

"If that's what you're going to do. Go on. Come on! Kill me! Killmekillmekillmekillme! Kill me, O Dark Lord!"

Voldemort began to cry because Harry's words touched him so. He couldn't bring himself to kill Harry.

"You're right, Harry," the Dark Lord said, "I can't kill you. I think I'll go to Brazil and be a missionary."

"Good job," Harry said.

"Peace and love, man," Voldemort said.

"Okay, see you around."

***

"But I wanted to kill them off!" J.K. seethed. She calmed down a little after a few more drags of the cigarette. "Maybe it's better like this, though."

She was a fan of happy endings herself, and she had just written herself into a corner, and she was lazy, so she just left the story like that. And so ended the saga of Harry Potter.