The Chronicles of Lucius

The Chronicles Of Lucius

For The Sentiment

Notes: Wahey! New chapter! Apologies for taking a while with this one, but (and here comes the excuse. Prepared to be awed and stunned by the sheer thought that goes into it!) I was working on my dissertation (Haven´t we heard this before, I hear you cry) AND I needed to sort through the dates properly, so I know exactly when what incidents happen and the like. Now, muahahah! I´m a sad geek and I know all the dates and am hugely amused that something happens on my birthday! Bwaha! Yes, I am associated with DorksRUs, thank you. Anyway, onto the chapter!

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February 12th 1993

Hair in rather spiffy ponytail (Make it look v. dashing. Mind you, would make a pink poodle look dashing, if self donned it on self´s head!). Evil glare on moderate power (Am in progress of plotting carefully and would not wish to run out of evil glare power before it is necessary. Would be v. embarrassing to lose evil glare power mid-glare!). Robes in hands of house elves for... er... cleaning (Believe stains to be wife´s fault. Really). Arse petted to within an inch of its life (Wife still has arse fixation. Not that self minds).

Have been plotting profusely since last Chronicle entry.

Reason for lack of updates: Chronicles were strategically hidden in middle of last month, to prevent wife from peeking at it when self was at meeting with Fudge (who was whimpering by end, because self had taken cane and had cane in lap. Yes, was low blow, but was fun to see Fudge´s brain turn to mushy paste. Go me! Am so utterly evil!) and self hid Chronicles so well that they accidentally vanished.

Self entirely forgot that self had hidden them under second pillow instead of under top pillow. Was so cunning that even wife did not suspect. Mind you, nor did self suspect, but that is beside point.

And re-reading what self has just written... does self really sound that blond?

No matter. Have Chronicles back now and have been plotting in v. v. wicked and cunning ways, in order to have Gandalf-wannabe chucked out of old school because of diary-of-dark-master-plot, even though it isn´t working as intended.

So far, since plot began:

Petrifications - four (including ghost - was tempted to make jokes that they saw slimy House Master of son and froze from shock at horror of evil and v. bad hair, but was forced to resist as smug poking of ally does not befit v. evil fiend. At least, not when there is nobody to hear it. Am so funny, yet have no bloody audience!)

Deaths - nil (Am hugely disappointed by this. Was hoping to see numerous blasted muggleborns dropping like flies. Insect kind! Not trouser kind! Ones with wings! When you kill them!)

Ahem.

Back to plot.

Have worked out that petrifications must be being kept under wraps, as they have yet to be reported to Daily Prophet (Am so smart! Bet no one else has realised they are hushing it up!).

However, have also come to conclusion that, if more pupils get frozen (rather like house elves when you throw them into pond in winter - is v. amusing, esp. if you decorate them while frozen and wife comes home from KA meeting to find house elf defrosting in her best dress. Never knew wife could kick house elf so hard! Must remember not to annoy wife personally. She was not best pleased about it and house elf could not blame self due to secrecy thing! Haha! Am so v. naughty!), then creepy old man with big beard would have to admit something is up.

Also, since he has kept it quiet for so long and has been unable to stop things, am sure that self could convince the other Governors that old man and his split ends have rather lost their touch in Hell.

Actually, am more prone to think that self´s cane might convince Governors to fill in necessary form to be sure that old fool is booted out of school or self could always resort to desperate measures and get signatures by v. cunningly asking for autographs of Board members.

Trick does work!

Ministry members have actually fallen for trick before.

Self can clearly recall the day: self´s trial for being DE.

Jury looked like it was about to condemn self to go to jail (Ick! Would hate to be parted from nice house and spa and fake Porsche in attic and cane! Would be like a nightmare), so - self thinking quickly - withdrew piece of parchment from pocket and asked for all Jurors´ autographs as a memory of special day in court.

All jurors (shallow, silly muggle-lovers, all of them) signed parchment and preened.

Of course, then self handed paper to Judge, who also signed it.

Then self, suggested that Judge actually read parchment, which said on top "All of the undersigned agree that Lucius Malfoy is innocent and has a spectacular arse" and every juror plus judge had signed, so self got out of jail.

Am so v. sneaky!

Anyway, self must make handing over of form to bushy twit (It will happen, if self has to go to Hell and petrify brats with cane! Yes, that defeats purpose, but am determined to get froofy ponce out!) look v. impressive and v. arrogant (Am not sure how to play arrogant. Am v. humble after all. Will be v. challenging to pretend to like the little people. Am not sure how to act around them and their simple brains) so, must wait until someone important is present to watch.

Would be amusing if Fudge was present, with his fixation on self. Can imagine him trying to decide whether to be twitchy over presence of self and cane or annoyed that self has bollixed up plans to move more idiots into high positions in school by getting rid of poofy-dressing-gown-wearing-head-master.

Have specifically forgotten him while sending out invitations to Governors meeting at self´s humble abode. Do hope that he takes it personally.

Have arranged meeting for some time next week. Informed wife, who immediately decided what was for dinner, who would sit where and how many times self was allowed to fondle head of cane in front of them.

Do love it when wife takes charge.

Will write later. Must plot more.

***

February 14th 1993

Hair mussed. Evil glare in direction of Fudge. Robes on floor. Arse sated.

Hate Fudge.

Seriously, if self did not want to humiliate and turn Fudge´s brain to mush, while leaving him as utterly brain-dead guppy in top at Ministry of Magic (Is easier than dealing with semi-intelligent person who actually asks questions from time to time. Hate it when MoM want to know why self has been muggle-hunting at country retreat. Have told them numerous times - have no choice, because duck season is over and self would deplore to hunt poor, helpless little foxes and rabbits), self would kill him slowly and painfully.

Wife decided to seduce self this morning. Mentioned something about Valentine´s day and brought chocolate.

Fudge (Pompous, overblown, interfering, snooty, brain-dead hopeless worst-case example of inbreeding) decided it was appropriate time to pay visit and called up by Floo without warning at v. inopportune time.

Yes, floo connection in is living room, but self didn´t think anyone would call while self and wife are having some fun in front of fire, on chilly day.

Bloody Fudge!

Ruined mood, squashed wife´s scented candles and landed squarely on top of wife and self with worst landing self has ever seen out of a fireplace (Honestly, what kind of person comes through floo network in swan-dive?), which was v. annoying as it threw wife´s back out and now, wife is laid up in bed and will be unable to finish where we started for at least a week.

So, now self is in room, plotting Fudge´s horrific and grisly death when Dark Master returns. Am positive that Dark Master will sympathise wholeheartedly and let self do whatever self likes to mindless cretin.

Am v. v. v. maliciously pleased that self did not bother to invite moronic Neanderthal of a Fudge-fool to `do´ next week and sincerely hope he sits at home and cries like a baby because no one wants him.

Would pay v. good sum of money for photographic evidence to point at and mock.

Mmm.

Am so v. evil.

Will write later. Must go and see to wife and make sure she is comfortable.

***

February 15th 1993

Hair in ringlets (Don´t even ask. Wife. Spell. Wrong. All am saying). Evil glare still charging (Am storing it all for right moment. At present am doing things by furtive and sneaky ways, instead of being openly evil. Is so much fun and v. confusing for people with tiny brains!). Robes functional (Am still waiting for wife´s back trouble to clear up). Arse sat upon on windowsill (Am looking v. much like brooding Gothic hero, framed by window. Is v. poetic image. Think self is getting sappy in not-so-v.-old age. Will move away from window at once. Does not do well to look like brooding poet type. Would not wish people to get wrong idea about self).

Received letter from son regarding Valentine festival.

Apparently son spent day being stalked throughout Hell by ugly, tiny men with wings and harps in loincloths, each bearing tidings of love. Son said he thought it v. amusing and wished it would happen more often.

Will try desperately not to read into son´s appreciation of short men with wings.

Am having nightmarish flashback to evil Snow White.

Is son truly that lacking in taste?

Think it would be greatly preferable if son had crush on green-eyed Pot-boy (Yes, self knows that he is Dark Master´s nemesis, but at least he is better looking than short, ugly men with wings).

Considering it, maybe foolhardy son has been bitten by basilisk without realising (although how son would miss a sixty-foot snake with bloody enormous fangs, am not entirely sure) and is hallucinating prior to impending demise.

Perhaps son being killed by basilisk would be better than son appreciating advances of numerous tiny men.

Oh.

Wife just read son´s letter.

Apparently self didn´t read the second page, written on back of first, so self didn´t receive all information. V. embarrassing. Apparently, tiny men were delivering all Valentine cards and messages from son´s fleet of female admirers, so son´s pleasure at being stalked in entirely justified.

Hmpf.

Son is being far too arrogant about getting more cards than self. Getting cards is not indicator of how popular and lickable one is. Son has no dignity when it comes to popularity and immediately gets v. cocky about it.

Self does not have to depend on people liking him and self is definitely not as cocky about it as soon as.

Anyway, son isn´t that special. Son doesn´t have whole Board of Governors admiring his arse, so don´t know what he´s boasting about. Ha! Take that! Am so v. much more edible than son is.

Had best finish now. Wife needs self to peel grapes for her. Wife really gets v. nasty when she gets ignored in favour of Chronicles.

***

February 20th 1993

Hair in v. dashing and gentlemanly ponytail (Don´t ask how it is gentlemanly! It just is, all right?). Evil glare put on hold (Don´t want to scare other Governors). Robes sensational (Have to make a good impression). Arse nice and firm (Wife´s buttock-tightening spell worked for big evening. Have to make a good show for wives of Governors as well. Am too kind and too damn hot!).

Governors coming to mansion for meal tonight.

Should be interesting meeting and have nice piece of parchment ready for all of the Board to sign, just so self has it all ready to take to school, in anticipation of next snake-spotting incident.

Not that self would have a suspicion of what is happening.

Of course, self has no idea!

Self?

Know something about nasty petrifications that have been happening to poor, sweet, harmless little mudb... er... muggleborns at school that self is on Board of Governors for and not tell someone in charge?

Self is truly shocked at such a suggestion!

Self only ever thinks kind thoughts about students.

Well, about purebloods at least.

All right, all right.

Rich purebloods.

First Governor has arrived! Will write about meeting later.

***

February 21st 1993

Everything same as earlier (Is now one o´clock in morning) - am a little scruffier than self was at start of evening (Governors have just left (with their wives fortunately. One of said wives tried to grab self´s posterior when self was standing a bit too close to long-nailed hands. Took all self´s self-control to restrain urge to Avada her and simply slap at knuckles with cane. Now recall why self hates having company from work - all work people are raving loonies!))

Despite some scratches and bruises to certain regions of anatomy due to rampant wife of Head of Board (Always is the quiet ones that surprise you. No one expects to be accosted by librarian from Diagon Alley, but it happens), meeting - on the whole - appeared to go well.

And got parchment signed! Go me!

Explained what was happening at school.

Board appeared more interested in flirting with wife (Bloody lime-light thief! Was self´s meeting! Self did the work... all right, house elves did the work, but self looked good, dammit!), who might have been wearing a v. small dress.

Am not sure as self would require a magnifying glass to see it.

Anyway, explained again, got a few nods of agreement, but none of board would say yes to being rid of old fool.

Had to resort to desperate measures to ensure that correct form got signed when even favourite old "Can I have your autograph on this legally binding document?" trick did not work.

Told them self would leave board and take cane with me.

From then, every other Governor fought for quill in order to sign scroll and self´s plan went a step further towards getting Gandalf-wannabe kicked out of hell.

Self can´t wait to see the look on old fool´s face when self hands him scroll and tells him that self has finally outdone him and that him being over a hundred years old doesn´t mean he´s smarter than self.

Just means he has a wrinklier arse.

Which self really didn´t need to visualise.

Hope there is another petrification soon! Can´t wait to use scroll!

Anyway, am in mood for celebrating and wife´s back is finally better, so self will sign off for now. Will write more when more becomes known.